Friends s01e16 Episode Script

This is unbelievable! It's been half an hour.
If this was a cartoon, you'd look like a ham about now.
There's the waitress.
Excuse me! - Hello, miss? - It's Phoebe! Okay, will that be all? Wait, wait.
What are you doing here? I was over there then you said, "Excuse me, miss.
" So now I'm here.
How come you're working here? Because it's close to where I live, and the aprons are really cute.
Can we start over? Okay, great.
I'm gonna be over here.
The One With the Two Parts - Part I I don't know if he's testing me or just acting out but my monkey is out of control! He keeps erasing the messages on my machine.
Supposedly by accident.
Yeah, I've done that.
And three days in a row, he got to the newspaper before I did and peed all over the crossword! I've never done that.
And then last night, I don't know what he did, but there were capers everywhere.
Allright now look at her and tell me she doesn't look exactly like her sister.
I'm saying I see a difference.
They're twins.
I don't care.
Phoebe's Phoebe.
Ursula's hot.
You know that thing when we talk about things? Let's not do that anymore.
Hey, Pheebs.
Guess who we saw today? Oh, fun! - Liam Neeson.
- No.
Morley Safer.
The woman who cuts my hair! This could be a really long game.
Your sister, Ursula.
Oh, really? She works at that place Riff's.
Yeah, I know.
You do? She said you guys haven't talked in years.
So is she fat? Not from where I was standing.
Where were you standing? Pheebs, so you guys just don't get along? It's mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know? Everyone always thought of her as the pretty one.
She was the first to walk even though I did it later that same day.
To my parents, by then it was, "Yeah, what else is new?" I'm sorry.
I've gotta go.
I've got Lamaze class.
And I've got earth science, but I'll catch you in gym? Is this just gonna be you and Carol? Susan will be there too.
We've got dads, we've got lesbians.
The whole parenting team.
Isn't that gonna be weird? It might have been at first but now I'm comfortable with the situation.
Ross, that's my jacket.
I know.
We're the Rostens.
I'm J.
C.
And he's Michael.
And we're having a boy and a girl.
Good for you! Alrighty, next? I'm Ross Geller.
And that's my boy in there.
And this is Carol Willick, and this is Susan Bunch.
Susan is Carol's Who's next? Sorry I didn't get it, Susan is? - Susan is Carol's friend.
- Life partner.
Like buddies.
Like lovers.
You know how close women can get.
- Susan and I live together.
- I was married to her.
- Carol, not me.
- It's a little complicated.
- But we're fine.
- Absolutely.
So, twins! That's like two birds.
- To you too, Helen! Nina Bookbinder is here to see you.
Okay, send her in.
- Come on in.
- You wanted to see me? I was just going over your data.
You've been postdating your Friday numbers.
Which is bad, because? It throws my WENUS out of whack.
Excuse me? WENUS.
Weekly Estimated Net Usage Statistics.
Right.
Gotcha, gotcha.
Won't happen again.
I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt your WENUS.
It's not just that she's cute, okay? It's just that she's really, really cute.
It doesn't matter.
You don't dip your pen in the company ink.
God, even I know that, and I'm pretty much unemployable.
Ross.
Your little creature's got the remote again.
Marcel, give Rossy the remote.
Marcel! Marcel, you give Rossy the remote right now! You give Rossy the remote - Great.
- Relax.
I'll fix it.
Oh, cool.
Urkel in Spanish is Urkel.
How did he do this? Is leaving the Christmas lights up your plan to keep us merry all year long? Someone was supposed to take them down around New Year's but obviously someone forgot! Someone was supposed to write: "Rach, take down the lights" and put it on the refrigera How long has that been there? Where you been? I went to Riff's.
I think Ursula likes me.
All I ordered was coffee.
She brought me a tuna melt and four plates of curly fries.
Score.
She is so hot! Okay, before you do anything Joey-like you might want to run it by Pheebs? Would it be okay if I asked out your sister? Why? Why would you want to do that? Why? So that if we went out on a date, she'd be there.
Well, I mean, I'm not my sister's, you know whatever.
And I mean, it's true, we were one egg once.
But, you know, we've grown apart, so I don't know.
Why not? Cool.
Thanks.
You okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
Do you wanna watch "Laverne y Shirley"? Sorry.
Sorry I'm late.
Where's Carol? Stuck at school.
Some parent-teacher thing.
You can go.
I'll get the information.
No, I think I should stay.
We should both know what's going on.
Oh, good.
This will be fun.
We're gonna start with some basic third-stage breathing exercises.
Mommies, get on your back.
And, coaches, you should be supporting Mommy's head.
- What? - What? I'm supposed to be the mommy? Okay, I'm gonna play my sperm card one more time.
I have to miss out on the coaching training because I'm a woman? So what do you propose to do? - I'll flip you for it.
- Flip me for it? Heads, heads, heads! On your back, Mom! All right, Mommies, take a nice, deep, cleansing breath.
Good.
Now imagine your vagina is opening like a flower.
Mr.
Dee! How's it going, sir? It's been better.
The Annual Net Usage Statistics are in.
It's pretty ugly.
We haven't seen an ANUS this bad since the '70s.
What's it mean? We'll be laying off people.
I know I was late last week.
I slept funny and my hair was snarly.
Not you.
Relax.
Ever have to fire anyone? No, but that's not a problem sir, that's why my name's on the door.
By the way, do you know when I'm getting my name on the door? I don't know.
I put it in "the thing".
So who's it gonna be? Nina Nina.
Nina? Ninaaaa.
Are you okay? Yes.
Yes, I am.
Listen, the reason that I called you in here today was Please don't hate me.
What? Would you like to have dinner sometime? So Pheebs, what do you want for your birthday? What I really want is for my mom to be alive and enjoy it with me.
Let me put it this way.
Anything from Crabtree & Evelyn? Bath salts would be nice! Good.
What is this place? You're cold, I have to pee, and there's coffee.
How bad could it be? I think we have an answer.
What's she doing here? This could be God's way of telling us to eat at home.
- Think she got fired at Riff's? - No, we were there last night.
She kept bringing swordfish.
Are you gonna go? I'll wait until we order.
It's her, right? It looks like her.
Excuse me? Hi, it's us! Right.
And it's me! So you're here too? As much as you are.
Your turn.
We know what we want.
That's good.
- Two caffe lattes.
- And some biscotti cookies.
Good choice.
It's definitely her.
I can't believe you.
You still haven't told that girl she doesn't have a job? You still haven't taken down the Christmas lights.
Congratulations! I think you found the world's thinnest argument.
Trying to find the right moment.
That shouldn't be so hard, now that you're dating.
"Sweetheart, you're fired.
But how about a quickie before I go to work?" Once you're inside, you don't have to knock anymore.
I'll get it.
Hi, Mr.
Heckles.
You're doing it again.
We're not doing anything.
We're just sitting around talking quietly.
I can hear you through the ceiling.
My cats can't sleep.
You don't even have cats.
I could have cats.
Goodbye, Mr.
Heckles.
We'll try to keep it down.
Phoebe, can you do me a favor? Try this on to make sure it fits.
My first birthday present! Oh, this is really No no no, it's for Ursula.
I just figured, you know, size-wise.
Sure.
Yeah.
Okay, it fits.
Are you seeing her again? Yep, Ice Capades.
This is serious.
I've never known you to pay money for any kind of "capade".
I don't know.
I like her.
She's different.
There's something about her That you like.
We get it.
You like her.
Phoebe, I asked you and you said it was okay.
Well, maybe now it's not okay.
Well, maybe now I'm not okay with it not being okay.
Knit, good woman.
Knit! Knit! And that's the Chrysler Building right there.
Mr.
Douglas.
Cool tie.
She's still here.
Yes.
Yes, she is.
Didn't I memo you? After I let her go, I got a call from her psychiatrist, Dr.
Flanen Dr.
Flanan, Dr.
Flan.
And he informed me that she took the news rather badly.
In fact, he mentioned the word "frenzy".
She seems so Oh, no, no.
Nina? She's In fact, if you asked her now she'd have no recollection of being fired at all.
That's unbelievable.
And yet believable.
So I decided not to fire her again until I'm sure she will be of no threat to herself or others.
I see.
You never really know what's going on inside a person's head.
Well, I guess that's why they call it psychology, sir.
The sound Mom and Dad will never forget.
For this, after all, is the miracle of birth.
Lights, please.
And that's having a baby.
Next week is our final class.
Susan, go deep.
It's impossible.
It's just impossible.
What is, honey? What that woman did.
I am not doing that! It'll have to stay in, that's all.
Everything will be the same.
- It'll just stay in.
- Carol, honey.
- Everything will be all right.
- What do you know? No one's saying to you, "Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this pot roast through it?!" Carol, sweetie.
Cleansing breath.
I know it's frightening.
But big picture: The birth part is just one day and when it's over, we'll all be parents for the rest of our lives.
I mean, that's what this is all about, right? Ross? Ross.
I'm gonna be a father.
- This is just occurring to you? - I knew I was having a baby.
I just never realized the baby was having me.
You're gonna be great.
How could you say that? I can't even get Marcel to stop eating the bathmat.
How am I gonna raise a kid? You know, some scientists are now saying that monkeys and babies are actually different.
You might wonna look into it - Where are you going? - Out.
With? Yes! Alright, can I just ask you one question? Have you two, you know, like, you know? You know? Yet? Well, not that it's any of your business, but no, we haven't.
Okay? You meant sex, right? - Do you have a sec? - Sure, Nina.
What's up? I don't know, for the past couple of days, people have been avoiding me and giving me strange looks.
Oh, well, maybe that's because they're jealous of us.
Maybe.
But that doesn't explain why they keep taking my scissors.
Well, maybe that's because you're getting a big raise! - I am? - Sure.
Why not? Oh, my God! You're amazing! Oh, you don't know.
Helen, make sure we do the paperwork on Miss Bookbinder's raise.
You still want me to send her psychological profile to personnel? Helen drinks.
Will you marry me? - After the proposal, I kind of unreveled.
Right, because you were really in control up untill then.
- Yeah, well, I ended up telling her everything.
- Oh, how'd she take it? Pretty well.
Except for the stapler thing.
Little tip.
If you're ever in a similar situation never, ever leave your hand on the desk.
Okay, I think I get how to do this.
Can we turn this off? Can we make them go away? Because I can't watch.
They're gone.
Are you all right? Yeah.
It's just this whole stupid Ursula thing.
Okay Pheebs, can I ask? So he's going out with her.
Is it really so terrible? Yeah.
I mean, I'm not saying she's evil or anything.
She's just, you know, she's always breaking my stuff.
When I was 8, I wouldn't let her have my Judy Jetson thermos so she threw it under the bus.
And then when I was twelve and she broke my colar bone.
Alright, she didn't mean to do it.
But I think it still counts.
And then there's Randy Brown who was like Have you ever had a boyfriend who was your best friend? Well, but that's what he was for me.
And she, you know, kind of stole him away and then broke his heart.
And then he wouldn't even talk to me anymore.
He didn't want to be around anything that looked like either one of us.
I mean, I know Joey's not my boyfriend or my thermos or anything, but - You won't lose him.
- You gotta talk to Joey.
Yeah, okay.
He doesn't know this stuff.
If he knew how you felt He's falling in love with her.
They've been going out a week.
They haven't even slept together yet.
I mean, that's not serious.
May we help you? What are you doing? It's freezing! Would you come inside? No, no, no.
You wanted me to take them down so I'm taking them down, okay? Rachel! I'm okay.
I'm okay.
Mr.
Heckles? Mr.
Heckles, could you help me, please? This is just the kind of thing I was talking about.
My friend was taking down our Christmas lights and she fell off the balcony and may have broken her ankle.
My God, you still have your Christmas lights up? Fill this out and bring it back to me.
Here you go.
All right.
Name address Okay, are you currently on any medication? No.
Oh, wait wait yes! Blistex.
Ah, NO! In case of emergency, call? You.
Really? Oh, that is so sweet! Oh, gosh.
I love you.
Okay, insurance? Yeah, check it.
Definitely gonna want some of that! You don't have insurance? Why? How much is this gonna cost? I have no idea, but X-rays alone could be a couple hundred dollars! - What'll we do? - There's not much we can do.
Unless I use yours.
Now wait a second.
Who did I just put as my "in case of emergency" person? That's insurance fraud.
All right then, forget it.
Might as well just go home.
- Okay, come here.
I hate this.
- Thank you.
I love you.
I'm gonna need a new set of these forms.
Why? I am really an idiot! I was filling out my friend's form and instead of putting her information I put mine.
You are an idiot.
Yep, that's me.
I am that stupid.
I had a dream that I was playing football with my kid.
That's nice.
No, no.
With him.
I'm on this field, and they hike me the baby.
I've gotta do something because the Tampa Bay team's coming right at me! Tampa Bay's got a terrible team.
Right, but it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinking they can take us.
And so, I I just heave it downfield! What are you, crazy? That's a baby! He should take the sack? Anyway suddenly I'm downfield.
And I realize that I'm the one who's suppose to catch him, right? Only I know I'm not gonna get there in time.
So I am running and I'm running and that is when I woke up.
See, I am so not ready to be a father.
Hey, you're gonna be fine.
You're one of the most caring, responsible men in North America.
You're gonna make a great dad.
Yeah, Ross.
You and the baby just need better blocking.
Have you ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it expensive? Only if you order stuff.
I'm taking Ursula tonight.
It's her birthday.
- What about Phoebe's birthday? - When's that? Tonight.
Man, what are the odds of that happening? You take your time.
There it is! So, what are you gonna do? What can I do? I don't want to screw it up with Ursula.
And your friend, Phoebe? If she's my friend, she'll understand.
Wouldn't you guys? If you tried that on my birthday you'd be staring at the business end of a hissy fit.
An added pinch of saffron makes all the difference.
Monica? Yes? Yes, she is.
This is my friend, Rachel.
Hi Rachel, I'm Dr.
Mitchell.
And I'm his friend, Dr.
Rosen.
I'm Okay here.
actually, that's alright.
I don't mind at all, now you can take your break.
Aren't you a little cute to be a doctor? Excuse me? I meant, god, young, young.
I meant young.
Young to be a doctor.
- Good, Rach.
- Thank you.
So he said it was a sprain, and that was it.
You left out the stupid part.
It's not stupid.
The very cute doctors asked us out for tomorrow night, and I said yes.
I think it's totally insane.
They work for the hospital.
It's like returning to the scene of the crime.
- I say we blow off the dates.
- What? Monica, they are cute.
They are doctors.
Cute doctors.
Doctors who are cute.
All right, what have we learned so far? Oh, God.
Surprise! What are you doing? You scared the crap out of me! - Was that the cake? - Yeah.
I got a lemon schmush.
Come on.
She'll be here any minute.
I hope it's okay.
"Happy Birthday, Peehee.
" Maybe we can make a "B" out of a rose.
Yeah, we'll just use our special cake tools.
- What's going on? - We just Surprise! This is so great! This was not at all scary.
Oh look, "happy birthday Peehee".
What a strange new nickname.
I like it! Oh my god! Hi, everybody.
Hi, Betty! Betty, hi! You found Betty! Oh, my gosh! This is so great.
Everybody I love is in the same room.
Where's Joey? Did you see Betty? I'll tell you one thing, I wouldn't mind having a piece of this sun-dried tomato business.
Five years ago, if somebody'd said, "Here's a tomato that looks like a prune" I'd have said, "Get out of my office!" Dad, before I was born, did you freak out at all? I'm not freaking out! I'm just saying if someone had come to me with the idea I'm talking about the whole baby thing.
Did you ever get this sort of panicky, "Oh, my God, I'm gonna be a father" kind of a thing? We just had kids back then.
We didn't think about it.
What else could the sun dry? I wonder.
Right, look.
Your mother really did the work.
I was busy with the business.
I wasn't around that much.
Is that what this is about? No, no.
I was just wondering.
Cause there's time to make up for that.
We can do stuff together.
You always wanted to go to colonial Williamsburg.
How about we do that? Thanks, Dad, really.
You know, I just, I just I just needed to know when did you start to feel like a father? Well, I guess it must have been the day after you were born.
We were in the hospital room, your mother was asleep and they brought you in and gave you to me.
You were this ugly little red thing! And all of a sudden, you grabbed my finger with your whole fist and you squeezed it so tight.
And that's when I knew.
So you don't want to go to Williamsburg? We can go to Williamsburg.
Eat your fish.
Rachel, the cute doctors are here! Okay, coming.
Hi, come on in.
Hey, Michael, Jeffrey.
Here, we brought wine.
Look at this.
It's from the cellars of Ernest and Tova Borgnine.
- How could we resist? - Oh, that's great, look at that! - So, Monica, how's the ankle? - It's Why don't you tell them? After all, it is your ankle.
You know, what? It's feeling a lot better.
Thank you.
listen, why don't you guys sit down, and we'll get you some glasses.
Stat! Okay, listen, I'm thinking why don't we just tell them who we really are? - I mean it'll be fine.
I really think it will be fine.
- It will not be fine.
We'll get in trouble.
Mnica, would you stop being such a wuss! A wuss? Excuse me for living in the real world.
- So? - So they still seem normal.
That's because they are.
Okay, but you have to admit that every time we go out with women we meet at the hospital it turns into Would you relax? Take a look around.
There are no pagan altars.
No piles of bones in the corners.
They're fine.
Go like this: I said we are not going to do it, okay? Sometimes you can be such a big baby! - I am not a baby.
- Be serious.
- You get uptight - You act like a princess.
You know what? You know what? Every day you are becoming more and more like your mother.
Excuse me.
Here we go.
This is a great place.
How long have you lived here? Thanks.
I've been here about six years.
And Rachel moved in a few months ago.
See, I was supposed to get married but I left the guy at the altar.
Yeah, I know it's pretty selfish, but hey, that's me! Why don't you try the hummus? So, Monica, what do you do? I am a chef at a restaurant uptown.
Good for you.
Yeah, it is.
Mostly because I get to boss people around, which I just love to do.
Well, this hummus is great.
God bless the chickpea.
Oh, God! I am so spoiled! That's it.
I shoplift.
That was years ago and you had no idea that lipstick was in your pocket.
Did I tell you that I think I'm so much cuter than I am? And have I mentioned that back in high school I was a cow? I used to wet my bed.
I use my breasts to get other people's attention.
We both do that! Monica and Rachel's apartment.
Just one second.
Rachel, it's your dad.
Hi, Dad.
No, no.
It's me.
Listen, Dad, I can't talk right now.
But there's something There's something I've been meaning to tell you.
Excuse me.
Remember back in freshman year? Well, Billy Dreskin and I had sex on your bed.
Daddy Daddy, daddy why? Why would I sleep with Billy Dreskin? His father tried to put you out of business! You are dead! Hey, Rachel, are these your condoms? Oh, no.
No, that was just Monica.
She's drunk again.
Ah, Pheebs, I don't think scrunchy is a word.
Why not? If crunchy is a word, why isn't scrunchy? Well, okay, then I'm using that same argument for fligament.
Ross, he's got the remote again.
Good.
Maybe he can switch it back.
Maybe not.
Okay, daddy, that's the other line.
Okay, no.
Not even in my bedroom.
Okay, okay.
Bye-bye.
Hello? Hold on a second and let me just check and see if she's here.
It's the woman from the hospital.
There's a problem with the form.
Oh, God, what do we do? Just find out what they want.
Okay.
No, you do it.
Hello.
This is Monica.
Yes, we'll be right down.
Thank you.
We forgot to sign one of the admissions forms.
- You're right, this wasn't worth it.
- Thank you.
Okay, let me just change.
gudje? - Nautical term.
- Cheating man.
- Okay.
- Hey.
- Hey Hi.
- She still didn't call? - No.
Trouble? Your sister stood me up the other night.
Oh, no.
Don't you hate it when people aren't there for you? What is that? Tushy! - Well, did you try calling her? - I've been trying for two days.
When I called the restaurant, they said she was busy.
I can't believe she's blowing me off! Excuse me, we had the two chef salads.
No, we havn't had hem yet.
We're still hoping to have them.
Okay.
- Hey.
- Oh.
You got a minute? Yeah, I'm just working.
I got you a birthday present.
Wow, you remembered! It's a Judy Jetson thermos.
Right, ike the kind you Right.
Oh, I got something for you too.
How'd you know I was coming? Yeah, twin thing.
I can't believe you did this.
I can't believe you did this! So what's the deal with you and Joey? Oh, right.
He is so great.
But that's over.
- Does he know? - Who? Joey.
You know, he's really nutsy about you.
He is? Why? You got me.
Excuse me doesn't this come with a side salad? So are you gonna call him? - You think he likes me? - No.
Joey.
No, no.
He is so smart.
He'll figure it out.
Do you want some chicken? No, no.
No food with a face, remember? You have not changed.
Yeah, you too.
Excuse me.
My side salad? The service in here is horrible.
Hi! Remember us? You just called about needing a signature on the admissions form? Well, it turns out we need a whole new one.
Because, you see I put the wrong name again.
- Because - You're that stupid! I am.
I'm that stupid! And I'm just gonna pay for this with a check.
Well, you know your insurance will cover that.
Yeah, I know.
I'm just not that bright either.
Mon, I'm sorry about last night what I said.
I don't think you're anything like your mother.
Oh, that's alright.
And I don't think you're selfish running out on Berry.
Oh, and I'm sorry that I said you were a cow in high school.
That's okay.
I was a cow.
Okay, worst case scenario: Say you never feel like a father.
Say your son never feels connected to you as one.
Say all of his relationships are affected by this.
Do you have a point? You know, you'd think I would.
What's up with the simian? It's just a fur ball.
Whose turn is it? Yours.
I got No, you got zero points for "idney".
I had a "K".
Where's my "K"? You've got to help me! My monkey swallowed a "K"! You have to get that animal out of here! You don't understand, the animal hospital is way across town.
He's choking! I don't know what else to do! - What's going on? - Marcel swallowed a Scrabble tile.
Excuse me.
This hospital is for people! Lady, he is people! He has a name, okay? He watches "Jeopardy!" he touches himself when nobody's watching.
Please have a heart.
- I'll take a look at him.
- Thank you.
- Michael! - Rachel.
- What? - Monica.
Urs! What are you doing here? I've been trying to call you.
Listen Oh, no no no, don't say "listen".
I know that "listen".
I've said that "listen".
I'm sorry.
I don't get it.
What happened? What about what you said under the bridge? Forget about what I said under the bridge.
I was talking crazy that night.
I was so drunk.
You don't drink.
That's right, I don't.
But I was drunk on you.
But it's not gonna work.
Why? Is it because I'm friends with Phoebe? If it was, would you stop hanging out with her? No, I couldn't do that.
Then, yeah, it's because of Phoebe.
So you know, it's either her or me.
Then I'm sorry.
You're gonna be really hard to get over.
I know.
I don't know whether it's just because we're breaking up or what but you've never looked so beautiful.
Really? Pheebs? He looks so tiny.
- We just got the message.
- Is he okay? The doctor got the "K" out.
He also found an "M" and an "O".
We think he was trying to spell out "monkey".
The doctor says he'll be fine.
He's just sleeping now.
So you feel like a dad yet? No.
Why? Come on, you came through.
You did what you had to do.
That's very "dad".
He's waking up.
Hey, fella.
How you doing?