Ghosts (2021) s01e16 Episode Script

Boys, boys.
You notice anything different about me? Uh, no, but I noticed something different about your mom when I left her house this morning.
- Oh! - Boom! You just got Ari'd.
Nice, Ari.
No.
New suit.
David set me up with his tailor.
My guy's a magician.
He'd have to be to make Trevor look hot.
- You just said Trevor looked hot.
- You love Trevor.
Damn it.
Pinkus, hand me my briefcase.
And open it for me.
I'm sorry, what am I the summer associate? - He's not.
- Right, right.
Pinkus.
So dumb.
Ugh.
Chekhov Chill? - Oh! - You just got chilled.
You guys.
Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug All right, all right, I have an announcement.
That's actually a celebratory cocktail, 'cause starting this Monday, you are no longer lowly scum.
You are a full member of the team.
No.
No way.
I'm getting promoted? Mazel, Pinkus, and we're taking you out tonight.
- Yes! - Yeah, my folks are in Europe, so we're hitting the country estate.
Pinkus, Pinkus, Pinkus, Pinkus, Pinkus, Pinkus, Pinkus, Pinkus This is gonna be the best night ever! Yeah! No, that's great.
Uh-huh.
We'll be here.
That was the jeweler.
He thinks he might have found someone, babe.
- No way.
That's amazing.
- What's going on? Oh, remember the vintage watch we took off the corpse of Hetty's dead robber baron husband? How exciting do you think our afterlives are that we wouldn't remember that? Well, we may finally have a buyer.
How much does he think we can get? Enough to knock out our entire debt, babe.
And the guy's coming up from the city this afternoon to look at it.
Ooh, man, we really need this sale to go through.
What is that smell? Oh, yeah, desperation.
Listen to me, the most important bargaining chip you have is the ability to walk away.
I would argue a lead pipe beats that, but I get your point.
The ghosts are saying we shouldn't act too desperate.
Oh, guys, come on.
Have some faith.
I'm a master negotiator.
Do you remember the deal I got us on the Mini? I don't know that that was the victory you think it Babe, has our undercarriage rusted? Has it? No, I think not.
And they threw that in for free.
Man, picking something to watch is much more difficult than it was in the '80s.
Too many choices.
Pete, just make up your mind.
Maybe go back through the romantic comedies, - comb through those again? - No! Thor not watch romantic comedies.
Thor hate love.
You okay, there, big guy? Thor had a pretty emotional therapy session the other day.
A lot come up.
Thor discuss feelings about Flower.
Oh.
And what did the therapist say? She thinks I should tell Flower how I truly feel.
And I agree with her.
This is the new you, buddy.
You talk about things.
Thor scared.
Can it ever really work out between a hippie and a Viking? Oh, now, that's a romantic comedy I would watch.
Can you type in "hippie and Viking," see if anything comes up? Oh, yeah, sure.
Welcome.
Hi.
I'm Sam, and this is Jay.
Hey, what's up, man? I'm Ari.
Hey, what's going on? All right, well, we're really excited to have you here.
Not too excited.
Just the appropriate amount of excited.
This is gonna be a disaster.
Hey, you know what is nuts? I've actually been here before.
Oh, yeah.
He does seem familiar.
Holy crap.
Is that Ari Cantor? - Oh! - Boom! You just got Ari'd.
Wait, you know him? Yeah, he's, like, my boy.
- Know who? - I I was just asking Jay if he knew you.
I mean, we just met.
Right, so now you know him.
Yep.
Anyway, yeah, I knew this guy whose parents owned this place, David Woodstone.
My great-great-great-grandson, who was actually kind of a louse.
Uh, David was my uncle.
I didn't really know him, but his mom was my great-aunt Sophie, who I inherited this place from.
He was obsessed with strippers.
I heard he was a good guy, though.
Man, this place is really bringing back some memories for me.
Wow, well, I could show you around, or do you want to see the watch first? Nah, not yet.
Cool, uh, yeah.
Let's chitchat.
That's how not big of a deal this whole watch transaction is to me.
Uh, right this way.
I can't believe this.
Trevor, you know this guy? Ari and I worked together.
He was in my crew.
We were, like, best friends.
No way.
That's crazy.
You want to know something really crazy? He was here the night that I died.
Okay, how did you die, and why aren't you wearing any pants? You've never asked him about this? I was always curious, but I didn't know the etiquette - around ghost deaths.
- Tell her the story, Trev.
All right.
I thought you'd never ask.
It was the year 2000.
Y2K was behind us, mad cow was Europe's problem, and the future was bright.
- Oh, yeah.
- All right! Ari, can you hand me that pillow, please? Why? Is there a Chekhov Chill behind it? Oh 'Cause if there is, you know the rules.
The attempted chiller is himself chilled.
- Damn it! - No one chills the A-dog.
Drink up, Lefkowitz.
Oh, your day will come.
Keep dreaming.
Here we go.
Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug - T-Money.
Come on.
- That was awesome.
You better get your buzz on, too, Pinkus.
- Help you stay warm during the Run of Fun.
- The Run of Fun? It's just so humiliating.
Uh, what's the Run of Fun? How about, instead of any hazing, we just party and celebrate Pinkus's promotion? Dude, hazing is to prove loyalty.
We all went through it.
To question it is to break the bro code.
Are you breaking the bro code, bro? Psych.
Got you.
- You're running, Pinkus.
- All right, ladies.
Time to take this night up a notch.
How I love Woodstone's secret drug drawer.
It's so baller.
Name of the game is pill roulette.
Take one, find out what happens.
I'm first.
I wish there was a green one for T-Money.
But yellow and blue make green.
What?! Damn! Two pills! And I was a total legend.
For two hours until your heart exploded.
Tell her how you lost your pants.
This is classic Trev.
Well, post-drug cocktail, pre-death, I had sex with the hot limo driver.
All right, so you died having sex? No, I died about 15 minutes later.
Then why were your pants not on? Because we were gonna do it again.
Does a boxer put his robe back on between rounds one and two? Come on, Sam.
So, you probably won't remember this, but, uh, several months ago, during Viking funeral, I was supposed to be sucked off.
Right.
And you said, "No, Thor, don't go.
I love you.
" And then I wasn't sucked off, and then you said, "Never mind.
" Okay, yeah, yeah, this is ringing a bell.
Yeah, sure.
So I was wondering if, maybe, there was truth to the thing you said before you said, "Never mind.
" Yes, there was.
Really? Yeah, but-but that was when I thought I couldn't have you.
So you only want Thor if Thor not here? I have intimacy issues, man.
But you had boyfriend Ira.
I remember.
He run away like Dane when attacked by bear.
Well, Ira and I only worked because it was never just us.
We always had a third.
First, there was Phyllis, the blanket hog.
Then Dorothy, another blanket hog.
Blanket politics are really big in throuples.
The point is, we always had a buffer to keep things from getting too intense.
Sorry.
Well, maybe we get buffer.
Huh.
But who would be the third? 19th-century Jacques Bijoux.
- A rare find.
- Mm-hmm.
But not in great condition, is it? What? Let me see that? Sam.
I want to hear about the old days.
Bring up my name.
- some nicks on the bezel.
- Fine.
So, uh, you mentioned that you used to hang out here with my Uncle David.
Was there a guy named Trevor Lefkowitz in your crew? Um, it's hard to say.
I knew a lot of Trevors.
What? We were bros.
Right, i-it's just that, you know, Uncle David did bring his name up quite a bit.
Oh, because I thought that you said that you didn't really know your uncle.
Surely, he must remember the night that you died.
Yes.
Smart.
Okay, we were here to celebrate Pinkus's promotion.
- Bring that up.
- A and where exactly is the bezel? You know, I think that it might have been this one time you guys were all up here for Pinkus's promotion, is what I remember my Uncle David telling me, as a child, during one of our few chats.
Hey, babe, I think this is hardly relevant to the negotiations at hand.
Right? How is this relevant? I don't know I'm gonna go make a quick phone call.
What are you doing? You're blowing it.
I'm sorry, but Trevor says he knows the guy.
None of this makes any sense.
How does someone not remember their best bro? Oh, well, Hamilton pretended to not know me at a party once.
And then "got my name wrong" several times over the years after that.
Classic archrival shenanigans.
What is this for? We just wanted to ask you some questions about yourself.
Oh, well, you know I do love talking about myself.
Ask away.
I would not describe myself as a "people person," no.
I mean, no, I wouldn't say my body is particularly hairy.
Why? Is this a sex thing? Am I willing to go with the flow? No.
Yeah, this is a sex thing.
I'm out.
My strong suits? Well, I'm can-do.
Selfless.
I tend to put other people's desires and needs before my own.
Oh, and I have excellent hand-eye coordination.
He's perfect.
Great.
Perfect for what? Look, I came up here to buy a watch, and ten minutes in, she's grilling me about a dead man.
Did one of you guys snitch? I guess I'm just kind of worried that maybe, I don't know, I'm being blackmailed? - Blackmailed? - This is getting interesting.
No, I'm not on drugs, but I wish that I was, 'cause I'm freaking out right now.
Oh, right.
The secret drug drawer.
I don't know.
How long do you think cocaine stays good for? Who would ever keep it around long enough to find out? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What do you mean, "snitched"? What's he talking about? He has obviously done something nefarious.
Dude is shaken.
Are you telling us everything? What really happened that night? I told you, I took some bad pills, had totally awesome sex and then died.
But I don't know what he means by snitching.
Because there's something you don't know about that night.
None of you do.
Ari betrayed you, Trevor.
What did he do? He's the one who broke the bro code.
Oh, come on.
That was gasp-worthy.
There's something wrong with you people.
What do you mean, Ari betrayed me? Okay, look, something happened, and I never told you because I know how much you loved your bros.
You had just died and were understandably a little confused.
What the hell is going on? Who are all you guys? We are ghosts.
While most spirits pass on, we are the unfortunate few cursed to spend - He's dead! - Okay, well, I'm talking here.
What the hell? This is nuts! You know, it's a little loud in here.
Maybe we do the welcoming ceremony in another room.
Why do you have an arrow in your neck? Oh, because I'm dead.
But I'm jumping ahead.
We'll get to all that.
Where are your pants, man? Yeah, probably should have kept those on.
Big mistake.
While everyone else left to tend to you, I stuck around.
You were in good hands, and I was having too much fun - watching these jerks freak out.
- I am not freaking out! Oh, God, what are we gonna do? Maybe we call 911? No, I am, like, 70% cocaine right now.
We are not calling the cops.
I can't handle going to jail.
I can't handle going to the Sheraton! There's only one way out of this.
We call our dads.
They didn't even try to help you? It gets so much worse.
Okay, my dad said we should lawyer up.
- We're probably gonna be fine.
- "Probably"? My dad says hide the body.
What are you talking about? We weigh it down, drop the body in the lake and never speak of this again.
Agreed? And that's exactly what they did.
I'm so sorry, Trevor.
Okay, it's not good, obviously, but they were scared.
Trevor, stop defending them.
They were kids.
Some of them were barely 30.
Well, they would've been grandparents in my day, but go on.
I'm just saying, I would've done the same thing.
No, you wouldn't have, and you know you wouldn't have, 'cause you were different from them.
- How do you know? - Because I know the story of how you really lost your pants.
Oh, come on.
Congratulations, Pete.
Yes, Thor also very comfortable with new development.
Not rethinking it at all.
Look, truth be told, uh, now that I'm fully up to speed on what you guys say I have won, I'm not really sure I want the position.
Oh, well, we can do any position you want.
Not what I'm saying.
Uh, I'm talking about the general position of being the third.
Maybe I could watch.
Nope.
Hate that.
Uh, thank you, though, and good luck.
I'll be cheering you guys on.
From afar.
Not from the same roo You understand.
Is it possible that I could leave? - Thank you.
- Uh I already told you how I lost the pants, remember? Refractory period in between rounds with the hot limo driver.
Yeah, first of all, you never had sex with the limo driver.
Here's what really happened.
Can you stop doing that? So, uh, I don't really understand.
Um, the Run of Fun is that I have to somehow make it back to the city on foot with no money, wearing nothing but a T-shirt? Sounds like you understand perfectly.
These guys are mean.
He's for sure gonna get hypothermia.
But before Pinkus left Have fun.
you tracked him down.
Pinkus.
You don't have to do this if you don't want to.
But I really want the promotion.
All right.
Don't tell anybody about this.
You take my money clip, you get a cab.
I want that back Monday, though.
Serious? Thank you, Trevor.
Oh, wait.
A cab's not gonna let you in without any pants on.
I learned that the hard way during my Run of Fun.
Okay.
Get out of here.
Y-you're just gonna go back in there with no pants? I'll make up something brilliant.
Wait.
Take my boxers.
I don't want your boys rubbing up against my new suit.
Fair enough.
- Be free.
- Thank you so much.
Guess who just had sex with the hot limo driver! Trevor, you're a good guy.
I had no idea.
Okay, a little less shocked would be nice.
I don't understand, Sass.
Why did you never call me out about the limo driver thing? Because I knew why you lied.
Helping Pinkus meant breaking the bro code that you lived by, and I knew that was important to you.
I can't believe this.
I can't believe those guys would do that.
Well, shoot, let's take them down.
Tell the press.
Ooh, Sam can help us ruin their lives.
That's not gonna make me feel better.
That job, those guys, that was my world.
Maybe I never had any bros at all.
Maybe my whole life was a lie.
And are you sure Trevor didn't, like, put hot sauce in the man's pants to burn the guy's wiener? I wish there was something we could do to make Trevor feel better.
Well, he said he didn't want revenge, so we just have to honor that.
No, he said he didn't want to ruin their lives.
But I have another idea to get revenge.
And it is super douchey, so he's gonna love it.
I don't know if you're distracted or if you're Art of War-ingme with your negotiation tactics, but I'll tell you what, you're good.
Bro, I'm not even thinking about the watch right now.
Okay, 80% off, final offer.
Hey, how's it going in here? I got him right where I want him.
Ari, uh, could I talk to Jay for a second? You can wait in the living room.
Oh, yeah, of course.
You can talk to Jay all you want.
Wh-what do you guys want to talk about, exactly? Is it about me? 'Cause if it's about me, I feel like I should know.
Where were you just now? Just took a walk, down by the lake.
Oh, that's lovely.
I-I didn't even know that you had a lake here.
I'll be in the living room.
What is going on? Ghost stuff.
We just have to wait in here for a few minutes.
Good news, I have a surprise.
Oh, really? Uh, what is it? Well, I was getting the sense that you were a little nervous about the whole "finding a third" thing.
- Maybe a little.
- But, of course, I still have my hang-ups about the whole one-on-one thing, so I found a compromise.
It's Crash's body.
Oh, yes, it, uh That Surprise.
Well, I figured this is, like, a happy medium.
The two-and-a-half solution, if you will.
Okay, I cannot do this.
No, no, no, he's cool with it.
Watch.
Yeah, you're cool with that, right? Yeah.
He's cool with it.
Yeah Wait, no, wh-where you going? It's not that.
Look, if you not okay with just Thor, I understand, but if it is more time you need to feel comfortable, I can wait.
Really? I've been here a thousand years.
Only met you 50 years ago.
Blink of an eye.
So we can wait till moment is right.
But it might be a long time.
Thor think that maybe Flower worth the wait.
Aw.
Okay, we should get out of here.
I think I got it revved up.
Flattered, but, uh, no, thank you.
Nice to see you.
Uh, why are you bringing me in here? I No.
I don't want to look at this guy.
Trevor, you thought you did not have bros, but you are mistaken.
You have bros.
And we are they.
Enjoy.
What did you guys do? Oh, just watch.
- Y'all think he's gonna do it? - Trust me.
- This'll work.
- There you go.
Go to the drug drawer.
There you go.
- Right there - Right there.
- Oh, you're so close.
- Do it.
Do it, do it, do it "I know what you did.
T-Money"? Oh, my God, you guys.
I believe some sort of celebratory declaration is in order? Ari Cantor, I've waited 20 years to say this to you.
You just got chilled.
Boom! Come on! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Is, uh, everything okay? Um, look I don't know what kind of sick game this is, but how about this? I'll pay you double what you're asking for the watch, and we agree to never speak of this again.
Deal.
No take-backs.
See? Told you your hubs could handle it.
Good job, babe.
Say, Ari, is that a Chekhov Chill? When you find one of those, aren't you supposed to do something with it? Ooh Seriously? I don't make the rules bro.
Get down.
Down.
Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug Yeah! That was the best! That was the most amazing thing.