Glee s01e16 Episode Script
1ARC15 - Home
So here's what's happened on Glee.
Finn got Kurt to try out for the football team but sometimes it seems like maybe Kurt's got a crush on him.
It's enough to want to give up women altogether.
[Chuckles.]
Will's old crush April joined the Glee Club but she was drunk all the time so Will kicked her out.
Also, Sue convinced Kurt and Mercedes that they should join the Cheerios which Will was none too happy about.
And that's what you missed on Glee.
# [Marching Band Drums.]
Ladies, what we have here is a grade-A dilemma.
Mercedes, your vocal cords have had more fantastic runs than a Kenyan track team but that look simply will not do.
At first I thought it was a subtle homage to yours truly but now I fear it's some sort of ironic comment.
Ms.
Sylvester, I'm just not comfortable in those Cheerios skirts.
They don't fit me right.
Mercedes, you shouldn't feel embarrassed about your body.
Embarrassed? No, no.
I'm worried about showing too much skin and causing a sex riot.
[Both Laughing.]
How do you two not have a show on Bravo? Here's the skinny.
Splits magazine, after much campaigning by one Sue Sylvester has named me cheerleading coach of the last 2,000 years.
In seven days reporter Tracy Pendergrass will arrive on campus and my new star singer will have lost 10 pounds and be in a gender-appropriate cheerleading uniform or she is off the team.
- Ten pounds? Are you serious? - You could lose a few too, kiddo.
You got hips like a pear.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to put in a call to the Ohio secretary of state notifying them I will no longer be carrying photo I.
D.
You know why? People should know who I am.
- [School Bell Rings.]
- Sue! We need to talk.
The auditorium is padlocked! Well, that's curious.
Did you check the sign-up sheet? - What sign-up sheet? - Why, the one I keep right here in my waistband, William.
Let's see.
Yeah, I've got the entire week booked solid.
Got a big magazine feature coming up and it's a little chilly for my girls to be practicing outdoors.
Yeah? Well, let's see what Figgins has to say about this.
Oh, I'm sure Figgins will just mumble something nervously and then pretend to take a call.
I happen to be blackmailing him.
Um, all right, I have one final announcement before we all leave.
- We can't use the auditorium for the next week.
- But that's garbage.
How are we supposed to practice for regionals without the auditorium? The Cheerios need it to practice in.
There's nothing I can do.
- I recommend a sit-in.
- I recommend we torch the place.
No.
Look, we've all faced adversity before and come out stronger on the other end.
I'm gonna check out a few off-site locations for us to use just for the week.
I promise I'll find us a new home.
[School Bell Rings.]
[All Murmuring, Chattering.]
Oh, Finn! I wanted your opinion on this.
It's a swatch board.
I'm redecorating my bedroom.
Kind of going for a hunting lodge meets Tom Ford's place in Bel Air.
I was hoping you could help me out with the hunting lodge part.
I live in a closet.
There's cowboy wallpaper on the walls.
Oh.
But I guess that one's nice.
Toile? I always pegged you as a chinoisserie type.
- Mercedes.
- This is healthy.
Chicken breast and a salad, dressing on the side.
You have a week to lose 10 pounds.
It's like having to lose one of my butt cheeks.
Look at what I'm eating.
Peeled celery.
And for breakfast I had Splenda.
Look, Mercedes, now that we're cheerleaders, we're finally part of the in crowd.
We have a place at the table.
We don't have to beg underneath for scraps of attention.
[Sighs.]
Don't screw it upl I'm pretty sure my cat's been reading my diary.
Hey, guys.
Can I ask you something? How do you manage to stay so skinny? The Sue Sylvester Master Cleanse.
Water, maple syrup for glucose, lemon for acid cayenne pepper irritate the bowels and a dash of ipecac a vomiting agent.
I haven't had a solid meal since 1987.
Sometimes I add a teaspoon of sand.
- That can't be healthy.
- Who cares? You can either feel terrible and look great or get kicked off the team when that reporter gets here.
Why are you so upset? It's not your bed.
Don't you have any feelings about it? It's your and Dad's honeymoon set.
I was conceived in that bed.
You were conceived on a pinball machine.
Well I think that's everything.
- You mentioned something about the recliner? - Oh! Yeah.
It doesn't look like much, but the parts all work.
Ooh, my wife would love this.
Sciatica.
Mom! No! It's not for sale.
This is Dad's chair.
This is the only picture of the two of us.
It's the only picture there will ever be of the two of us and he's sitting in this chair.
It's a chair, honey.
It's not him.
What's going on with you? Selling all our old stuff, you got new clothes, a new haircut - I'm seeing someone, Finn.
- Uh I think I'm in love.
Who is it? Do I know him? It's your friend Kurt's father, Burt Hummel.
# [Disco.]
Hey, I'd like to talk to someone about renting out this space.
[Woman.]
Okay, fellas, grab a gall Or grab another fella if that's the way the good Lord made yal 'Cause it's a couples skatel No way.
- # [Continues.]
- Well, as I live and breathe! Will Schuester? I just had a sex dream about you! Oh, isn't he smokin'? April, please, stop speaking into the mic! Wait, I smell somethin'.
- What? - I smell a duet comin' on! "Fire!" Springsteen! Hit it! # [Guitar Intro.]
# [Guitar Intro.]
What is going on here? You own this place? # I'm riding in your car # # You turn on the radio # # You're pullin' me close # # I just say no # # I say I don't like it # # But you know I'm a liar # # 'Cause when we kiss # # Ooh # # Fire # # Late at night # # Ooh, you're takin' me home # # You say you wanna stay # # I wanna stay # # I say I wanna be alone # # I say I don't love you # # But you know I'm a liar # # 'Cause when we kiss # # Ooh # # Fire # # Romeo and Juliet # # Samson and Delilah # # Oh, baby, you can bet # # A love they couldn't deny # # My words they say split # # Yeah # # But my words may lie # # May lie # # 'Cause when we kiss # # Ooh # # Fire ## April, what happened? April, what happened? Last time I saw you you were getting cleaned up, headed off to Branson.
I know! It's crazy, right? I was so jazzed about sobering up and starting a new life I had to stop at a bar to get a drink just to calm down! And I hung out at that bar for a few months or so.
One day an old codger, about 75, 80, came in and asked to buy me a drink.
Get this Buddy Leibowitz.
- Of Leibowitz Strip Malls? - I'm his new mistress.
April, I really thought you were serious about getting sober.
Oh, don't look so disappointed, Will.
Who are we kiddin', really? I'm nothing but a washed-up dreamer.
It's all I'll ever be.
Besides, I've finally realized my lifelong ambition of being a mistress to an incredibly wealthy strip mall tycoon and the owner-operator of a cabaret roller rink! Um, listen, about that Well, the Glee Club kinda needs some rehearsal space.
- Sue's commandeered the auditorium.
- You kiddin'? Bring 'em here.
- Really? That would be amazing! - Yeah! And I promise, it's only temporary.
You're the best.
Listen, I gotta run.
I've got an appointment to show my apartment.
- What's this now? - Yeah.
So I need to rent out my apartment and find a smaller place to live.
Uh, because I'm I'm getting a divorce.
- [Shouts.]
Divorce? - [Nervous Chuckle.]
So you're free to date? And by "date," I mean sleep with people.
And by "sleep with," I mean have sex with people.
People like me! Kiddin'.
Not really.
But listen to this.
You're looking for a sublettor, I'm looking for a place to stay.
One catch I'm full-time fancy now, Will.
I'm gonna want to check the place out.
I'm gonna wanna check the "fong schwang" or the "fing fong" whatever they call it.
Tell you what.
I'm gonna go get myself a bikini wax and I'm gonna see you tomorrow.
[Slurping.]
[Woman.]
# Future's open wide # - [School Bell Rings.]
- I lost two pounds, Coach.
Well, Becky, you are assimilating beautifully.
Instead of being different and an outcast you're just like every other teenage girl in America sadly obsessed with vanity.
Before you know it you'll be leaving baggies of upchuck in your parents'linen closet.
- Congrats.
I'm proud of you, kid.
- Thanks, Coach.
You betcha.
Next! Hey, you're still in your track uniform.
Yep, and I'm ready for my midweek weigh-in.
- I've been eating very well and walking everywhere and - Well, climb aboard.
Let's see how many "libbies" you lost.
Well, look at that, Mercedes.
You gained two pounds.
- What? That's impossible! - Look, I'm gonna break it down for you.
You have four days to lose the weight, get yourself in a uniform, or you're out.
- What am I gonna do? - Well, you might try dropping the attitude.
I'm sure there's a pound or two in that.
You know, with the Cheerios we have only one lesson, and it's a very simple lesson.
You do whatever it takes.
- [School Bell Rings.]
- Next! Kurt! Hey! What the hell's going on with our parents? When did they even meet each other? Parent-teacher conference night, about a month ago.
I always accompany my father to those conferences to act as translator.
How do you know this is not organic? Because you can see the logo.
It's encrusted in the cookie.
- [Kurt.]
Fate brought them together.
- Dadl Meet Carole Hudson.
Ms.
Hudson, my father, Burt Hummel.
You both have dead spouses.
Maybe you should talk.
I was just saying to a friend that acid wash should make a comeback.
Oh.
Really? And who said it ever left? - [Kurt.]
It was an instant connection.
- [Laughs.]
Yeah! - That's impossible.
- Nothing is impossible when it comes to love.
Haven't you noticed anything different about your mom? New clothes, new makeup, a haircut that doesn't look like it was styled by the Amish.
Who do you think "Pretty Woman"-ed her up? - Has she started selling the furniture yet? - Yeah, yeah.
She got rid of her old bedroom set and she tried to sell my dad's chair, but I stopped her.
- How do you even know that? - People our parents' age don't wait around for love to bloom.
They know what they want.
You and I will be roommates, with Mom and Dad cohabitating upstairs by midterms.
- No way.
- Give in to the inevitable, Finn.
I want us to decide how to redecorate our room together.
That's why I asked you about the swatches.
And don't sweat that old chair.
I have a lovely chaise picked out.
Look, screw y-your swatches and your your "chez.
" - Chaise.
- Whatever! I like my house, I'm not moving, and she's not selling that damn chair! - [School Bell Rings.]
- A roller rink? Weren't those outlawed in, like, 1981 for being totally lame? Come on, guys.
Where's your sense of adventure? The space is great and April is giving it to us to practice in for free.
Mr.
Schue? If I may? The New Directions is clearly a club with a dearth of direction.
Rachel and Jesse refuse to accept that all of us would rather die before we allow them to become the next Beyoncé and Jay-Z and Finn's mother's romance with my father is sending him into a wholly unnecessary tailspin of despair.
What we all need right now is to explore the idea of a sense of place and how if we find that place within we will get that happy ending.
Brad, B-flat.
## [Introduction.]
# A chair is still a chair # # Even when there's no one sitting there # [Mouths Words.]
Are you gay? # But a chair is not a house # # And a house is not a home # # When there's no one there # # To hold you tight # # And no one there # # You can kiss # # Good night # # A room is still a room # # Even when there's nothing there # # But gloom # # But a room is not a house # # And a house is not a home # # When the two of us # # Are far apart # # And one of us # # Has a broken # # Heart # # Now and then # # I call your name # # And suddenly your face # # Appears # # But it's just a crazy game # # And when it ends # # It ends # # In tears # # So, darlin'# # Have a heart # # Don't let one mistake keep us apart # # Well, I'm not meant to live alone # # Turn this house into a home # # When I climb the stair # # And turn the key # # Oh, please be there # # Still in love # # With me ## [School Bell Rings.]
[Knocking.]
- Hiya, hot stuff.
- Hey, April.
Uh, come in.
What's with the duffel bag? Can't have an overnighter without an overnight bag.
- Overnight? - Baby, I'm an artist.
I don't go by brains, I go by feel.
I need to settle into the energy of the place, get to know the ghosts.
- Won't Buddy miss you? - He's out of town.
Something about buying a new kidney or lung.
Look, April, I'm really not comfortable with any of this.
I'm not looking for a hook-up.
I just sleep better with someone inside the house.
Guess I've been just feeling a little lonely, you know.
Yeah, I know.
- Just one night? - [Sighs.]
Oh, look, do you want to sublet this place quick or not? Okay, fine.
But you get the couch.
And no funny business.
- ## [Humming.]
- [Will.]
Um the bathroom is right around the corner.
Sometimes you just need a little Burt.
- Take whatever you want from the refrigerator April.
- # [Lush Pop.]
The liquor cabinet is off limits.
Oh, no worries.
Brought my own.
Good night, April.
Good night, Will.
# One less # # Bell to answer # # One less # # Egg to fry # # One less man # # To pick up after # # I should be happy # # But all I do # # Is cry # # Cry, cry # # No more laughter # # Though I should be happy # # Oh, why # # Did she go # # I only know that since he left # # My life's so empty # - # Ohh-ohh # - # Though I try to forget it # # Just can't be done # # Each time the doorbell rings # # I still run # [Together.]
# I don't know how in the world # [Solo.]
# To stop thinking # - # About him # - # I should be happy # # 'Cause I still love him so # # I end each day # - # The way I start out # - # I start # - # And end each day cryin'# - # Cryin' my heart out # # One less # # Bell to answer # # One less # # Egg to fry # - # One less man # - # One less man # # To pick up after # # No more laughter # [Together.]
# No more love # # Since he # - # Went away # - # Since she # # Went away # # Since he # # Went away # # Ooh-ah-ooh # # A chair is still a chair # # Even when there's no one sitting there # # Well, I'm not meant to live alone # # Turn this house into a home # # When I climb the stair # # And turn the key # # Oh, please be there # # Still # # In love # - # With me # - # One less # # Bell to answer # # Each time the doorbell rings # # I still run # # One less # # Egg to fry # - # One less man # - # One less man # # To pick up after # - # No more # - # No more laughter # [Together.]
# No more love # # Since he # - # Went away # - # Since she # - # Went away # - # Since he # # Went away # [Together.]
# All I # # Do # # Is # # Cry ## Good night, Will.
Good night, April.
A toast.
Tonight is a momentous occasion.
It marks the first real communion between the Hummel and the Hudson clans.
I imagine that when the Bouviers and the Kennedys first broke bread there was a similar sense of joy and urgency.
So let me raise my Shirley Temple to our new little family.
- We're not a family.
- Finn.
It's cool.
You're right.
Your mom and I are just enjoying each other's company right now.
Let's just enjoy dinner.
I mean, I'm buyin', right? [Chuckles.]
[Chuckles.]
- You playing basketball now? - Yeah.
- But I actually kinda like football better.
- I didn't know that.
- Sounds crazy, but I miss getting hit.
- Pure boyish insanity.
No, it isn't.
I totally get that.
I used to love the feeling of getting my clock cleaned and then popping right up.
- Kinda reminded me ofbeing alive.
- Oh, yeah.
Why hasn't anyone commented on the new jeans I got Carole? - Oh, come on.
- Notice that the waistband falls well below the belly button.
- A welcome change.
- [Burt.]
Sure, Kurt.
Hey, you know, I sell tires to one of the assistant coaches from the Browns.
- I can probably get you tickets, if you want to go.
- That'd be awesome.
- I've never been to an N.
F.
L.
Game live before.
- Well, no problem.
Wow.
- For a place called Breadstix, these really suck.
- [Both Laughing.]
[Burt.]
It's really just stale bread, isn't it? [Carole.]
Yeah - Hey.
You finally choose one? - No.
They're all wrong.
Well, they all look like gray to me.
Maybe if they were different colored sports uniforms, you'd work harder to tell them apart.
I knew it.
I knew when I started in on the football with Finn, you'd take it personal.
How could I not, Dad? When was the last time you were that engaged in a conversation with me? I'm sorry.
I don't know what you want here.
What I want is for you to appreciate how hard it is for me to watch you bond with the son that you've obviously always wanted.
Oh, suddenly I'm not the guy who sat through Riverdance three years in a row? Look, Kurt, I love you and I am sympathetic to all of your stuff.
But come on, buddy, we got a deal here, right? I don't try to change you, you don't try to change me.
You are my son, and a little guy talk with some other kid isn't gonna change that.
Guy talk? I'm a guy.
Come on.
You know what I mean.
Maybe I was wrong.
Maybe it is too soon for you to start getting serious with someone.
Your mom's been dead eight years.
You know that.
Why'd you fix me up with Carole? Wasn't it to make me happy? 'Cause that's what you told me.
Can you go now? I'm a half an hour behind on my moisturizing routine and I need to get up early.
Do you want half of my peppermint patty? No.
I don't put junk in my body.
Why are you doing this? We like you no matter how you look.
And those shake diets are really unhealthy.
They also don't really work.
As soon as you go off them, you gain back the weight you lost.
You know what? I don't want to hear it! You have no idea how much I'm sacrificing to be a Cheerio, to look fantastic to finally fit in at this school.
We were just trying to look out for you.
We just want you to be healthy.
Stop getting all up in my face, telling me what I can and cannot do.
And I'm really hungry, so stop trying to get me to eat you! Hold up.
Did she just say she wanted to eat us? The point is that Fanny Brice is the most iconic role Aw, damn.
- [Hissing.]
- Hmm.
Your blood pressure's low.
Maybe that's why you fainted.
Your mom will be here soon.
I'll go and get you some ginger ale.
Thanks.
I'm not hungry.
Yes, you are.
You're starving.
I know.
I've been there.
Did all the other kids start looking like food right before you fainted? Yeah.
How'd you know? Been there.
Eat the granola bar.
Why are you being so nice to me? I can't remember the last time you said two words to me that weren't "you" and "suck.
" 'Cause I was you scared.
Hating myself for eating a cookie.
But I got over it.
Yeah, of course you did, Miss Pretty Blonde With the White Girl Ass.
When you start eating for somebody else so that they can grow and be healthy your relationship to food changes.
What I realized is that if I'm so willing to eat right to take care of this baby why am I not willing to do it for myself? You are so lucky.
You've always been at home in your body.
Don't let Ms.
Sylvester take that away from you.
I'm so embarrassed.
This isn't me.
How did I become this person? You are beautiful.
You know that.
I'm gonna stay here with you until your mom comes, okay? - [Woman.]
# Home sweet home # - [Chattering, Laughing.]
# Tonight's the night # - I don't think this is gonna work out.
- # [Continues.]
So, I'm thinking about closing up early.
Want to order a pizza, maybe snuggle up, pop in a movie? I don't think we should make a habit of spending the night together.
All we did was sleep.
No.
Allyou did was sleep.
I was up all night with you kicking me.
Sorry.
Them's the night terrors.
Look, I'm in the middle of a divorce, and you Are you really where you want to be? I mean, being somebody's mistress? Don't you think you deserve a little bit more than that? You can be the life of the party every night and drink till you can't see straight but you're always going to feel empty inside until you really find a home.
# I 'm on my way # - But, listen, if you need a place to stay tonight - No.
You're right.
You're right.
I am worth more than that.
Tonight, I'm gonna go over to Buddy's and I'm gonna tell him we're through.
If he still had the powers of speech, I'm sure he'd be thankful.
You know, RinkyDinks loses $8,000 a night.
Turns out, roller rinks not so profitable.
[Chuckles.]
You always give me the right advice, Mr.
Schuester.
See you around.
[Clicks.]
[Sighs.]
[School Bell Rings.]
Finn, we need to talk.
We have to break up our parents immediately.
I screwed up.
I feel like the guy who set up Liza and David Gest.
It hurt you, didn't it? When I was talking sports with your dad and stuff.
- I could tell that you were - Left out? Invisible? Yeah.
I don't like that my mom's forgetting about my dad.
It's up to me to keep his memory alive.
And I don't want to move in with you.
No offense.
None taken.
So we put an end to them.
- Agreed? - Agreed.
What are you doing? I'm going to flush Dad's ashes down the toilet.
Have you lost your mind? What? I'm just doing the same thing you're doing to him.
What's the point of keeping his remains if you're just gonna dump them out like an ashtray? Fine.
- What are you doing? - What you want.
What we've been doing for the last 15 years pretending.
Come on, Finn, let's sit and watch TV as a family.
- [TV: Clicks On.]
- Lookl A basketball game.
Your dad would've liked that.
- What do you think, Christopher? - Mom, you're being crazy.
And you're being selfish.
I like Burt.
L-l I haven't felt this way about a guy since your dad died.
At least not one who felt it back.
This family works.
I don't want it to get screwed up! This family manages.
We get by.
You just don't know any differently because you think what we have is normal.
I do this with him every night.
I take the urn to bed with me, and I talk to him about my day.
Sixteen years I've been asking him for advice and and waiting to hear his laugh and for him to tell me that he loves me.
And he never does.
And he never will.
I won't do it.
I'm not moving.
I'm not ready.
And he wouldn't want you to do this if I wasn't ready.
You didn't know him, Finn.
Sweetheart, I love you so much.
We don't need any more memories or ghosts.
We need a family, a home.
[Chattering.]
Well, with a name like Tracy, I assumed you were a lady.
Quite a turnout for a pep rally.
On assembly days, I arrange for the rest of the school to be fumigated leaving the gymnasium the only place with breathable air.
Come on.
That was clever.
You might want to start writing down my little bon mots.
I'm gonna be dropping some beauties on you.
You know, this is just a freelance job.
I was short-listed for the Pulitzer last year for my Newsweek piece on high school athletes going pro.
So my cover story isn't a fluff piece? Nope.
Hard-hitting investigation.
[Cheering.]
Feast your ears on this smokin' intro.
In a few seconds.
So important to build the tension.
What is she doing? - [Microphone Feedback.]
- Hey, guys.
I'm Mercedes Jones.
[Exhales.]
So most of you know Cheerios is about perfection and winning Iooking hot and being popular.
Still building the tension.
[Feedback.]
Well, I think that it should be about something different.
How many of you at this school feel fat? How many of you feel like maybe you're not worth very much? Or you're ugly, or you have too many pimples and not enough friends? Well, I felt all those things about myself at one time or another.
Hell, I felt most of those things about myself today.
And that just ain't right.
And we've got something to say about it.
And if you like what we have to say come down here and sing it with us.
# [Pop Ballad.]
## [Vocalizing.]
# Yeah # # Every day # # Is so wonderful # # And suddenly # # It's hard to breathe # # Now and then # # I get insecure # # From all the pain # # I'm so ashamed # # I am beautiful # # No matter what they say # # Words can't bring me down # # I am beautiful # # In every single way # # Yes, words can't bring me down # # Oh, no # # So don't you bring me down today # - # No matter what we do # - # No matter what we do # - # No matter what we say # - # No matter what we say # - # We're the song that's out of tune # - # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah # # Yeah # - # And everywhere we go # - # And everywhere we go # # The sun will always always shine # # The sun will always, always # # Shine # # 'Cause we are beautiful # # No matter what they say # # Yes, words won't bring us down # # Oh, no # - ## [Vocalizing.]
- # We are beautiful # # In every single way # # Yes, words can't bring us down # # Ohh-ohh-ohh # # So don't you bring me down today # # Ohh-oh-ohh # # Ohh-ohh # # Don't you bring me down today # # Hey-ey-ey # # Yeah # # Oh # # Don't you bring me down # # Today ## [All Cheering.]
We can finish this interview in your office tomorrow.
Thank you.
I was wrong.
- [School Bell Rings.]
- Mr.
Pendergrass, let me explain.
Just have a seat.
Oh.
Not used to taking orders in my own office.
Sue, when I met you I instantly disliked you.
You're bossy, insulting, and the fact that twice you called me Rerun makes me think you're a little racist.
I came here to write a piece that would expose you as a coward and a cheat.
- I could not have been more wrong.
- Beg your pardon? You got every shape and size Cheerio up there singing about empowerment and inclusion telling everyone it's okay to be exactly the person you are.
You're a visionary, and I think redefining cheerleading.
Bravo.
Well, thank you, uh, Mr.
Pendergrass.
I can't say I'm surprised.
Um, you know, I work so hard to get my girls feeling good about themselves because it's what's inside that counts.
It's an honor, Coach.
When this hits the stands, it could mean big things for you.
[School Bell Rings.]
- What are you doing here? Did you already move in? - No, your mom invited me.
- She thought you and I could have a man-to-man.
- Good, 'cause I got a lot to say.
I don't, so let me go first.
You're pissed.
I get it.
Your dad is a hero not only to the world for what he did in Desert Storm but he's a hero to you.
No way I can fill his shoes.
It's just, you know I love your mom.
She's like this angel that came down to wake me up after all these years and I swear to you I will never hurt her.
I will always take care of her.
I can't be your dad, but I will be her hero for as long as she'll take me.
All right, I've said my piece.
What do you want to say? Just wanted to know if you wanted to watch a game.
Sure.
Hold up.
You can sit here if you want.
- [TV: Clicks On.]
- [Crowd Cheering.]
You know, I hate Duke like I hate the Nazis.
- [Can Top Pops.]
- [Sighs.]
Tell me about it.
This team, every year, they recruit these guys and they don't know that the, uh, entire college is basically built on tobacco - [School Bell Rings.]
- I don't know what to say.
Just say congratulations.
I took your advice.
I went home, I told Buddy that if he wanted to keep me around he had to ditch the old lady and give yours truly the top job.
And then he died.
[Laughs.]
One of his eyes went all funny and he had a stroke right in front of me.
- Geez, April, are you okay? - Okay? I'm rich! The ol' battle-ax was afraid I'd go to the Lima Times - so she shut me up to the tune of $2 million.
- What? So I'm sobering up and I'm heading to the Broadway, Will.
I haven't had a drink in 45 minutes.
I'm going to take my hush money and I'm going to mount the first-ever all-white production of The Wiz.
- Okay.
[Chuckles.]
- And I've got you to thank.
- Did you tell him yet? - Tell me what? - That I bought y'all the auditorium.
- [Applause, Cheering.]
What? I wrote ol' Figgins a check this morning.
It's now called the April Rhodes Civic Pavilion.
L I don't know what to say.
We've got that covered.
We've got that covered.
# [Ballad.]
# When I think of home # # I think of a place # # Where there's # # Love overflowing # # I wish I was home # # I wish I was back there # # With the things I've been knowing # # Wind that makes the tall grass # # Bend into leaning # # Suddenly the raindrops that fall # # Have a meaning # # Sprinklin' # # The scene # # Makes it all # # Clean # # Maybe there's a chance # # For me to go back # # Now that I # # Have some direction # # It sure would be nice to be back home # # Where there's love # # And affection # # Then just maybe I can convince time # # To slow up # # Giving me enough time # # In my life to grow up # # Time, be my friend # - # Let me start again # - # Let me start # # Again # # Living here # - # In this brand-new world # - # Brand-new world # - # Might be a fantasy # - # Fantasy # # Oh, oh, oh, oh # # But it taught me to love # # So it's real, real, real to me # # And I've learned # # We must look look inside our hearts # # To find # - # Yeah, a world full of love # - #World full of love # # Like yours, like mine # # Like home # # Home # # Home ## # [Vocalizing.]
# [Harmonic Vocalizing.]
# [Ends.]
Finn got Kurt to try out for the football team but sometimes it seems like maybe Kurt's got a crush on him.
It's enough to want to give up women altogether.
[Chuckles.]
Will's old crush April joined the Glee Club but she was drunk all the time so Will kicked her out.
Also, Sue convinced Kurt and Mercedes that they should join the Cheerios which Will was none too happy about.
And that's what you missed on Glee.
# [Marching Band Drums.]
Ladies, what we have here is a grade-A dilemma.
Mercedes, your vocal cords have had more fantastic runs than a Kenyan track team but that look simply will not do.
At first I thought it was a subtle homage to yours truly but now I fear it's some sort of ironic comment.
Ms.
Sylvester, I'm just not comfortable in those Cheerios skirts.
They don't fit me right.
Mercedes, you shouldn't feel embarrassed about your body.
Embarrassed? No, no.
I'm worried about showing too much skin and causing a sex riot.
[Both Laughing.]
How do you two not have a show on Bravo? Here's the skinny.
Splits magazine, after much campaigning by one Sue Sylvester has named me cheerleading coach of the last 2,000 years.
In seven days reporter Tracy Pendergrass will arrive on campus and my new star singer will have lost 10 pounds and be in a gender-appropriate cheerleading uniform or she is off the team.
- Ten pounds? Are you serious? - You could lose a few too, kiddo.
You got hips like a pear.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to put in a call to the Ohio secretary of state notifying them I will no longer be carrying photo I.
D.
You know why? People should know who I am.
- [School Bell Rings.]
- Sue! We need to talk.
The auditorium is padlocked! Well, that's curious.
Did you check the sign-up sheet? - What sign-up sheet? - Why, the one I keep right here in my waistband, William.
Let's see.
Yeah, I've got the entire week booked solid.
Got a big magazine feature coming up and it's a little chilly for my girls to be practicing outdoors.
Yeah? Well, let's see what Figgins has to say about this.
Oh, I'm sure Figgins will just mumble something nervously and then pretend to take a call.
I happen to be blackmailing him.
Um, all right, I have one final announcement before we all leave.
- We can't use the auditorium for the next week.
- But that's garbage.
How are we supposed to practice for regionals without the auditorium? The Cheerios need it to practice in.
There's nothing I can do.
- I recommend a sit-in.
- I recommend we torch the place.
No.
Look, we've all faced adversity before and come out stronger on the other end.
I'm gonna check out a few off-site locations for us to use just for the week.
I promise I'll find us a new home.
[School Bell Rings.]
[All Murmuring, Chattering.]
Oh, Finn! I wanted your opinion on this.
It's a swatch board.
I'm redecorating my bedroom.
Kind of going for a hunting lodge meets Tom Ford's place in Bel Air.
I was hoping you could help me out with the hunting lodge part.
I live in a closet.
There's cowboy wallpaper on the walls.
Oh.
But I guess that one's nice.
Toile? I always pegged you as a chinoisserie type.
- Mercedes.
- This is healthy.
Chicken breast and a salad, dressing on the side.
You have a week to lose 10 pounds.
It's like having to lose one of my butt cheeks.
Look at what I'm eating.
Peeled celery.
And for breakfast I had Splenda.
Look, Mercedes, now that we're cheerleaders, we're finally part of the in crowd.
We have a place at the table.
We don't have to beg underneath for scraps of attention.
[Sighs.]
Don't screw it upl I'm pretty sure my cat's been reading my diary.
Hey, guys.
Can I ask you something? How do you manage to stay so skinny? The Sue Sylvester Master Cleanse.
Water, maple syrup for glucose, lemon for acid cayenne pepper irritate the bowels and a dash of ipecac a vomiting agent.
I haven't had a solid meal since 1987.
Sometimes I add a teaspoon of sand.
- That can't be healthy.
- Who cares? You can either feel terrible and look great or get kicked off the team when that reporter gets here.
Why are you so upset? It's not your bed.
Don't you have any feelings about it? It's your and Dad's honeymoon set.
I was conceived in that bed.
You were conceived on a pinball machine.
Well I think that's everything.
- You mentioned something about the recliner? - Oh! Yeah.
It doesn't look like much, but the parts all work.
Ooh, my wife would love this.
Sciatica.
Mom! No! It's not for sale.
This is Dad's chair.
This is the only picture of the two of us.
It's the only picture there will ever be of the two of us and he's sitting in this chair.
It's a chair, honey.
It's not him.
What's going on with you? Selling all our old stuff, you got new clothes, a new haircut - I'm seeing someone, Finn.
- Uh I think I'm in love.
Who is it? Do I know him? It's your friend Kurt's father, Burt Hummel.
# [Disco.]
Hey, I'd like to talk to someone about renting out this space.
[Woman.]
Okay, fellas, grab a gall Or grab another fella if that's the way the good Lord made yal 'Cause it's a couples skatel No way.
- # [Continues.]
- Well, as I live and breathe! Will Schuester? I just had a sex dream about you! Oh, isn't he smokin'? April, please, stop speaking into the mic! Wait, I smell somethin'.
- What? - I smell a duet comin' on! "Fire!" Springsteen! Hit it! # [Guitar Intro.]
# [Guitar Intro.]
What is going on here? You own this place? # I'm riding in your car # # You turn on the radio # # You're pullin' me close # # I just say no # # I say I don't like it # # But you know I'm a liar # # 'Cause when we kiss # # Ooh # # Fire # # Late at night # # Ooh, you're takin' me home # # You say you wanna stay # # I wanna stay # # I say I wanna be alone # # I say I don't love you # # But you know I'm a liar # # 'Cause when we kiss # # Ooh # # Fire # # Romeo and Juliet # # Samson and Delilah # # Oh, baby, you can bet # # A love they couldn't deny # # My words they say split # # Yeah # # But my words may lie # # May lie # # 'Cause when we kiss # # Ooh # # Fire ## April, what happened? April, what happened? Last time I saw you you were getting cleaned up, headed off to Branson.
I know! It's crazy, right? I was so jazzed about sobering up and starting a new life I had to stop at a bar to get a drink just to calm down! And I hung out at that bar for a few months or so.
One day an old codger, about 75, 80, came in and asked to buy me a drink.
Get this Buddy Leibowitz.
- Of Leibowitz Strip Malls? - I'm his new mistress.
April, I really thought you were serious about getting sober.
Oh, don't look so disappointed, Will.
Who are we kiddin', really? I'm nothing but a washed-up dreamer.
It's all I'll ever be.
Besides, I've finally realized my lifelong ambition of being a mistress to an incredibly wealthy strip mall tycoon and the owner-operator of a cabaret roller rink! Um, listen, about that Well, the Glee Club kinda needs some rehearsal space.
- Sue's commandeered the auditorium.
- You kiddin'? Bring 'em here.
- Really? That would be amazing! - Yeah! And I promise, it's only temporary.
You're the best.
Listen, I gotta run.
I've got an appointment to show my apartment.
- What's this now? - Yeah.
So I need to rent out my apartment and find a smaller place to live.
Uh, because I'm I'm getting a divorce.
- [Shouts.]
Divorce? - [Nervous Chuckle.]
So you're free to date? And by "date," I mean sleep with people.
And by "sleep with," I mean have sex with people.
People like me! Kiddin'.
Not really.
But listen to this.
You're looking for a sublettor, I'm looking for a place to stay.
One catch I'm full-time fancy now, Will.
I'm gonna want to check the place out.
I'm gonna wanna check the "fong schwang" or the "fing fong" whatever they call it.
Tell you what.
I'm gonna go get myself a bikini wax and I'm gonna see you tomorrow.
[Slurping.]
[Woman.]
# Future's open wide # - [School Bell Rings.]
- I lost two pounds, Coach.
Well, Becky, you are assimilating beautifully.
Instead of being different and an outcast you're just like every other teenage girl in America sadly obsessed with vanity.
Before you know it you'll be leaving baggies of upchuck in your parents'linen closet.
- Congrats.
I'm proud of you, kid.
- Thanks, Coach.
You betcha.
Next! Hey, you're still in your track uniform.
Yep, and I'm ready for my midweek weigh-in.
- I've been eating very well and walking everywhere and - Well, climb aboard.
Let's see how many "libbies" you lost.
Well, look at that, Mercedes.
You gained two pounds.
- What? That's impossible! - Look, I'm gonna break it down for you.
You have four days to lose the weight, get yourself in a uniform, or you're out.
- What am I gonna do? - Well, you might try dropping the attitude.
I'm sure there's a pound or two in that.
You know, with the Cheerios we have only one lesson, and it's a very simple lesson.
You do whatever it takes.
- [School Bell Rings.]
- Next! Kurt! Hey! What the hell's going on with our parents? When did they even meet each other? Parent-teacher conference night, about a month ago.
I always accompany my father to those conferences to act as translator.
How do you know this is not organic? Because you can see the logo.
It's encrusted in the cookie.
- [Kurt.]
Fate brought them together.
- Dadl Meet Carole Hudson.
Ms.
Hudson, my father, Burt Hummel.
You both have dead spouses.
Maybe you should talk.
I was just saying to a friend that acid wash should make a comeback.
Oh.
Really? And who said it ever left? - [Kurt.]
It was an instant connection.
- [Laughs.]
Yeah! - That's impossible.
- Nothing is impossible when it comes to love.
Haven't you noticed anything different about your mom? New clothes, new makeup, a haircut that doesn't look like it was styled by the Amish.
Who do you think "Pretty Woman"-ed her up? - Has she started selling the furniture yet? - Yeah, yeah.
She got rid of her old bedroom set and she tried to sell my dad's chair, but I stopped her.
- How do you even know that? - People our parents' age don't wait around for love to bloom.
They know what they want.
You and I will be roommates, with Mom and Dad cohabitating upstairs by midterms.
- No way.
- Give in to the inevitable, Finn.
I want us to decide how to redecorate our room together.
That's why I asked you about the swatches.
And don't sweat that old chair.
I have a lovely chaise picked out.
Look, screw y-your swatches and your your "chez.
" - Chaise.
- Whatever! I like my house, I'm not moving, and she's not selling that damn chair! - [School Bell Rings.]
- A roller rink? Weren't those outlawed in, like, 1981 for being totally lame? Come on, guys.
Where's your sense of adventure? The space is great and April is giving it to us to practice in for free.
Mr.
Schue? If I may? The New Directions is clearly a club with a dearth of direction.
Rachel and Jesse refuse to accept that all of us would rather die before we allow them to become the next Beyoncé and Jay-Z and Finn's mother's romance with my father is sending him into a wholly unnecessary tailspin of despair.
What we all need right now is to explore the idea of a sense of place and how if we find that place within we will get that happy ending.
Brad, B-flat.
## [Introduction.]
# A chair is still a chair # # Even when there's no one sitting there # [Mouths Words.]
Are you gay? # But a chair is not a house # # And a house is not a home # # When there's no one there # # To hold you tight # # And no one there # # You can kiss # # Good night # # A room is still a room # # Even when there's nothing there # # But gloom # # But a room is not a house # # And a house is not a home # # When the two of us # # Are far apart # # And one of us # # Has a broken # # Heart # # Now and then # # I call your name # # And suddenly your face # # Appears # # But it's just a crazy game # # And when it ends # # It ends # # In tears # # So, darlin'# # Have a heart # # Don't let one mistake keep us apart # # Well, I'm not meant to live alone # # Turn this house into a home # # When I climb the stair # # And turn the key # # Oh, please be there # # Still in love # # With me ## [School Bell Rings.]
[Knocking.]
- Hiya, hot stuff.
- Hey, April.
Uh, come in.
What's with the duffel bag? Can't have an overnighter without an overnight bag.
- Overnight? - Baby, I'm an artist.
I don't go by brains, I go by feel.
I need to settle into the energy of the place, get to know the ghosts.
- Won't Buddy miss you? - He's out of town.
Something about buying a new kidney or lung.
Look, April, I'm really not comfortable with any of this.
I'm not looking for a hook-up.
I just sleep better with someone inside the house.
Guess I've been just feeling a little lonely, you know.
Yeah, I know.
- Just one night? - [Sighs.]
Oh, look, do you want to sublet this place quick or not? Okay, fine.
But you get the couch.
And no funny business.
- ## [Humming.]
- [Will.]
Um the bathroom is right around the corner.
Sometimes you just need a little Burt.
- Take whatever you want from the refrigerator April.
- # [Lush Pop.]
The liquor cabinet is off limits.
Oh, no worries.
Brought my own.
Good night, April.
Good night, Will.
# One less # # Bell to answer # # One less # # Egg to fry # # One less man # # To pick up after # # I should be happy # # But all I do # # Is cry # # Cry, cry # # No more laughter # # Though I should be happy # # Oh, why # # Did she go # # I only know that since he left # # My life's so empty # - # Ohh-ohh # - # Though I try to forget it # # Just can't be done # # Each time the doorbell rings # # I still run # [Together.]
# I don't know how in the world # [Solo.]
# To stop thinking # - # About him # - # I should be happy # # 'Cause I still love him so # # I end each day # - # The way I start out # - # I start # - # And end each day cryin'# - # Cryin' my heart out # # One less # # Bell to answer # # One less # # Egg to fry # - # One less man # - # One less man # # To pick up after # # No more laughter # [Together.]
# No more love # # Since he # - # Went away # - # Since she # # Went away # # Since he # # Went away # # Ooh-ah-ooh # # A chair is still a chair # # Even when there's no one sitting there # # Well, I'm not meant to live alone # # Turn this house into a home # # When I climb the stair # # And turn the key # # Oh, please be there # # Still # # In love # - # With me # - # One less # # Bell to answer # # Each time the doorbell rings # # I still run # # One less # # Egg to fry # - # One less man # - # One less man # # To pick up after # - # No more # - # No more laughter # [Together.]
# No more love # # Since he # - # Went away # - # Since she # - # Went away # - # Since he # # Went away # [Together.]
# All I # # Do # # Is # # Cry ## Good night, Will.
Good night, April.
A toast.
Tonight is a momentous occasion.
It marks the first real communion between the Hummel and the Hudson clans.
I imagine that when the Bouviers and the Kennedys first broke bread there was a similar sense of joy and urgency.
So let me raise my Shirley Temple to our new little family.
- We're not a family.
- Finn.
It's cool.
You're right.
Your mom and I are just enjoying each other's company right now.
Let's just enjoy dinner.
I mean, I'm buyin', right? [Chuckles.]
[Chuckles.]
- You playing basketball now? - Yeah.
- But I actually kinda like football better.
- I didn't know that.
- Sounds crazy, but I miss getting hit.
- Pure boyish insanity.
No, it isn't.
I totally get that.
I used to love the feeling of getting my clock cleaned and then popping right up.
- Kinda reminded me ofbeing alive.
- Oh, yeah.
Why hasn't anyone commented on the new jeans I got Carole? - Oh, come on.
- Notice that the waistband falls well below the belly button.
- A welcome change.
- [Burt.]
Sure, Kurt.
Hey, you know, I sell tires to one of the assistant coaches from the Browns.
- I can probably get you tickets, if you want to go.
- That'd be awesome.
- I've never been to an N.
F.
L.
Game live before.
- Well, no problem.
Wow.
- For a place called Breadstix, these really suck.
- [Both Laughing.]
[Burt.]
It's really just stale bread, isn't it? [Carole.]
Yeah - Hey.
You finally choose one? - No.
They're all wrong.
Well, they all look like gray to me.
Maybe if they were different colored sports uniforms, you'd work harder to tell them apart.
I knew it.
I knew when I started in on the football with Finn, you'd take it personal.
How could I not, Dad? When was the last time you were that engaged in a conversation with me? I'm sorry.
I don't know what you want here.
What I want is for you to appreciate how hard it is for me to watch you bond with the son that you've obviously always wanted.
Oh, suddenly I'm not the guy who sat through Riverdance three years in a row? Look, Kurt, I love you and I am sympathetic to all of your stuff.
But come on, buddy, we got a deal here, right? I don't try to change you, you don't try to change me.
You are my son, and a little guy talk with some other kid isn't gonna change that.
Guy talk? I'm a guy.
Come on.
You know what I mean.
Maybe I was wrong.
Maybe it is too soon for you to start getting serious with someone.
Your mom's been dead eight years.
You know that.
Why'd you fix me up with Carole? Wasn't it to make me happy? 'Cause that's what you told me.
Can you go now? I'm a half an hour behind on my moisturizing routine and I need to get up early.
Do you want half of my peppermint patty? No.
I don't put junk in my body.
Why are you doing this? We like you no matter how you look.
And those shake diets are really unhealthy.
They also don't really work.
As soon as you go off them, you gain back the weight you lost.
You know what? I don't want to hear it! You have no idea how much I'm sacrificing to be a Cheerio, to look fantastic to finally fit in at this school.
We were just trying to look out for you.
We just want you to be healthy.
Stop getting all up in my face, telling me what I can and cannot do.
And I'm really hungry, so stop trying to get me to eat you! Hold up.
Did she just say she wanted to eat us? The point is that Fanny Brice is the most iconic role Aw, damn.
- [Hissing.]
- Hmm.
Your blood pressure's low.
Maybe that's why you fainted.
Your mom will be here soon.
I'll go and get you some ginger ale.
Thanks.
I'm not hungry.
Yes, you are.
You're starving.
I know.
I've been there.
Did all the other kids start looking like food right before you fainted? Yeah.
How'd you know? Been there.
Eat the granola bar.
Why are you being so nice to me? I can't remember the last time you said two words to me that weren't "you" and "suck.
" 'Cause I was you scared.
Hating myself for eating a cookie.
But I got over it.
Yeah, of course you did, Miss Pretty Blonde With the White Girl Ass.
When you start eating for somebody else so that they can grow and be healthy your relationship to food changes.
What I realized is that if I'm so willing to eat right to take care of this baby why am I not willing to do it for myself? You are so lucky.
You've always been at home in your body.
Don't let Ms.
Sylvester take that away from you.
I'm so embarrassed.
This isn't me.
How did I become this person? You are beautiful.
You know that.
I'm gonna stay here with you until your mom comes, okay? - [Woman.]
# Home sweet home # - [Chattering, Laughing.]
# Tonight's the night # - I don't think this is gonna work out.
- # [Continues.]
So, I'm thinking about closing up early.
Want to order a pizza, maybe snuggle up, pop in a movie? I don't think we should make a habit of spending the night together.
All we did was sleep.
No.
Allyou did was sleep.
I was up all night with you kicking me.
Sorry.
Them's the night terrors.
Look, I'm in the middle of a divorce, and you Are you really where you want to be? I mean, being somebody's mistress? Don't you think you deserve a little bit more than that? You can be the life of the party every night and drink till you can't see straight but you're always going to feel empty inside until you really find a home.
# I 'm on my way # - But, listen, if you need a place to stay tonight - No.
You're right.
You're right.
I am worth more than that.
Tonight, I'm gonna go over to Buddy's and I'm gonna tell him we're through.
If he still had the powers of speech, I'm sure he'd be thankful.
You know, RinkyDinks loses $8,000 a night.
Turns out, roller rinks not so profitable.
[Chuckles.]
You always give me the right advice, Mr.
Schuester.
See you around.
[Clicks.]
[Sighs.]
[School Bell Rings.]
Finn, we need to talk.
We have to break up our parents immediately.
I screwed up.
I feel like the guy who set up Liza and David Gest.
It hurt you, didn't it? When I was talking sports with your dad and stuff.
- I could tell that you were - Left out? Invisible? Yeah.
I don't like that my mom's forgetting about my dad.
It's up to me to keep his memory alive.
And I don't want to move in with you.
No offense.
None taken.
So we put an end to them.
- Agreed? - Agreed.
What are you doing? I'm going to flush Dad's ashes down the toilet.
Have you lost your mind? What? I'm just doing the same thing you're doing to him.
What's the point of keeping his remains if you're just gonna dump them out like an ashtray? Fine.
- What are you doing? - What you want.
What we've been doing for the last 15 years pretending.
Come on, Finn, let's sit and watch TV as a family.
- [TV: Clicks On.]
- Lookl A basketball game.
Your dad would've liked that.
- What do you think, Christopher? - Mom, you're being crazy.
And you're being selfish.
I like Burt.
L-l I haven't felt this way about a guy since your dad died.
At least not one who felt it back.
This family works.
I don't want it to get screwed up! This family manages.
We get by.
You just don't know any differently because you think what we have is normal.
I do this with him every night.
I take the urn to bed with me, and I talk to him about my day.
Sixteen years I've been asking him for advice and and waiting to hear his laugh and for him to tell me that he loves me.
And he never does.
And he never will.
I won't do it.
I'm not moving.
I'm not ready.
And he wouldn't want you to do this if I wasn't ready.
You didn't know him, Finn.
Sweetheart, I love you so much.
We don't need any more memories or ghosts.
We need a family, a home.
[Chattering.]
Well, with a name like Tracy, I assumed you were a lady.
Quite a turnout for a pep rally.
On assembly days, I arrange for the rest of the school to be fumigated leaving the gymnasium the only place with breathable air.
Come on.
That was clever.
You might want to start writing down my little bon mots.
I'm gonna be dropping some beauties on you.
You know, this is just a freelance job.
I was short-listed for the Pulitzer last year for my Newsweek piece on high school athletes going pro.
So my cover story isn't a fluff piece? Nope.
Hard-hitting investigation.
[Cheering.]
Feast your ears on this smokin' intro.
In a few seconds.
So important to build the tension.
What is she doing? - [Microphone Feedback.]
- Hey, guys.
I'm Mercedes Jones.
[Exhales.]
So most of you know Cheerios is about perfection and winning Iooking hot and being popular.
Still building the tension.
[Feedback.]
Well, I think that it should be about something different.
How many of you at this school feel fat? How many of you feel like maybe you're not worth very much? Or you're ugly, or you have too many pimples and not enough friends? Well, I felt all those things about myself at one time or another.
Hell, I felt most of those things about myself today.
And that just ain't right.
And we've got something to say about it.
And if you like what we have to say come down here and sing it with us.
# [Pop Ballad.]
## [Vocalizing.]
# Yeah # # Every day # # Is so wonderful # # And suddenly # # It's hard to breathe # # Now and then # # I get insecure # # From all the pain # # I'm so ashamed # # I am beautiful # # No matter what they say # # Words can't bring me down # # I am beautiful # # In every single way # # Yes, words can't bring me down # # Oh, no # # So don't you bring me down today # - # No matter what we do # - # No matter what we do # - # No matter what we say # - # No matter what we say # - # We're the song that's out of tune # - # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah # # Yeah # - # And everywhere we go # - # And everywhere we go # # The sun will always always shine # # The sun will always, always # # Shine # # 'Cause we are beautiful # # No matter what they say # # Yes, words won't bring us down # # Oh, no # - ## [Vocalizing.]
- # We are beautiful # # In every single way # # Yes, words can't bring us down # # Ohh-ohh-ohh # # So don't you bring me down today # # Ohh-oh-ohh # # Ohh-ohh # # Don't you bring me down today # # Hey-ey-ey # # Yeah # # Oh # # Don't you bring me down # # Today ## [All Cheering.]
We can finish this interview in your office tomorrow.
Thank you.
I was wrong.
- [School Bell Rings.]
- Mr.
Pendergrass, let me explain.
Just have a seat.
Oh.
Not used to taking orders in my own office.
Sue, when I met you I instantly disliked you.
You're bossy, insulting, and the fact that twice you called me Rerun makes me think you're a little racist.
I came here to write a piece that would expose you as a coward and a cheat.
- I could not have been more wrong.
- Beg your pardon? You got every shape and size Cheerio up there singing about empowerment and inclusion telling everyone it's okay to be exactly the person you are.
You're a visionary, and I think redefining cheerleading.
Bravo.
Well, thank you, uh, Mr.
Pendergrass.
I can't say I'm surprised.
Um, you know, I work so hard to get my girls feeling good about themselves because it's what's inside that counts.
It's an honor, Coach.
When this hits the stands, it could mean big things for you.
[School Bell Rings.]
- What are you doing here? Did you already move in? - No, your mom invited me.
- She thought you and I could have a man-to-man.
- Good, 'cause I got a lot to say.
I don't, so let me go first.
You're pissed.
I get it.
Your dad is a hero not only to the world for what he did in Desert Storm but he's a hero to you.
No way I can fill his shoes.
It's just, you know I love your mom.
She's like this angel that came down to wake me up after all these years and I swear to you I will never hurt her.
I will always take care of her.
I can't be your dad, but I will be her hero for as long as she'll take me.
All right, I've said my piece.
What do you want to say? Just wanted to know if you wanted to watch a game.
Sure.
Hold up.
You can sit here if you want.
- [TV: Clicks On.]
- [Crowd Cheering.]
You know, I hate Duke like I hate the Nazis.
- [Can Top Pops.]
- [Sighs.]
Tell me about it.
This team, every year, they recruit these guys and they don't know that the, uh, entire college is basically built on tobacco - [School Bell Rings.]
- I don't know what to say.
Just say congratulations.
I took your advice.
I went home, I told Buddy that if he wanted to keep me around he had to ditch the old lady and give yours truly the top job.
And then he died.
[Laughs.]
One of his eyes went all funny and he had a stroke right in front of me.
- Geez, April, are you okay? - Okay? I'm rich! The ol' battle-ax was afraid I'd go to the Lima Times - so she shut me up to the tune of $2 million.
- What? So I'm sobering up and I'm heading to the Broadway, Will.
I haven't had a drink in 45 minutes.
I'm going to take my hush money and I'm going to mount the first-ever all-white production of The Wiz.
- Okay.
[Chuckles.]
- And I've got you to thank.
- Did you tell him yet? - Tell me what? - That I bought y'all the auditorium.
- [Applause, Cheering.]
What? I wrote ol' Figgins a check this morning.
It's now called the April Rhodes Civic Pavilion.
L I don't know what to say.
We've got that covered.
We've got that covered.
# [Ballad.]
# When I think of home # # I think of a place # # Where there's # # Love overflowing # # I wish I was home # # I wish I was back there # # With the things I've been knowing # # Wind that makes the tall grass # # Bend into leaning # # Suddenly the raindrops that fall # # Have a meaning # # Sprinklin' # # The scene # # Makes it all # # Clean # # Maybe there's a chance # # For me to go back # # Now that I # # Have some direction # # It sure would be nice to be back home # # Where there's love # # And affection # # Then just maybe I can convince time # # To slow up # # Giving me enough time # # In my life to grow up # # Time, be my friend # - # Let me start again # - # Let me start # # Again # # Living here # - # In this brand-new world # - # Brand-new world # - # Might be a fantasy # - # Fantasy # # Oh, oh, oh, oh # # But it taught me to love # # So it's real, real, real to me # # And I've learned # # We must look look inside our hearts # # To find # - # Yeah, a world full of love # - #World full of love # # Like yours, like mine # # Like home # # Home # # Home ## # [Vocalizing.]
# [Harmonic Vocalizing.]
# [Ends.]