Guys With Kids (2012) s01e16 Episode Script

"Guys with Kids" is taped in front of a live studio audience.
All right, I got my wrapkin on! Everybody gather round.
I wish I had a wrapkin on.
Standing here like a jerk, all wrapkin-less at a wrapkin launch party.
All right, with the press of this button here, the wrapkin website will officially go live.
Now, I started the wrapkin with the simple belief that children, above all else, are disgusting, filthy little creatures.
All right? So I said to myself-- Yippity doo! That's not what I said.
- Shh, shh, shh.
- Shh, shh, shh.
It's one of Violet's toys.
It's been going off for three days, and we can't find it.
Hey, hey! Back to me.
All right? Because you are gonna wanna tell your friends that you were here when you saw this.
All my friends are playing paintball.
Let it go.
We said no.
Voila! Look at that.
- See?.
Yeah.
- This looks amazing! Wow, honey.
This could actually work! - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, my God.
What? What if this actually works? H-how are you gonna do this and take care of the kids? Oh, no, no, no, no.
Hey! Ho! Easy.
That's my computer.
It's not the necklace box from Pretty Woman.
You're gonna need to hire some help, okay? Because I am not staying home with them.
No offense.
I get it.
Hey, look, I'm not gonna hire someone to raise my kids, all right, baby? I'm gonna do both.
There is no way you can raise the kids and launch a business.
You're already slacking since you started working again.
Huh? I pulled a raisin out of that fat fold under Robbie's chin.
It was hard.
It had been there awhile.
Yeah, but it's always good to have some emergency snacks tucked away.
I could-- I could probably comb an entire Graham cracker out of Freddie's hair right now.
How did you get in this conversation? I'm a guest of Gary's.
Baby, Nick gets me.
And he knows that I can do it all.
I'm not like all the others, baby.
I'm a rare breed.
Well, we'll see, won't we? Yes, you will.
And when you do see, I won't even tell you "I told you so.
" I'll just give you a look like this.
Yippity doo! We will find you.
This does not end well for you, toy! Life is how you live it ª oo™ª w up re you want to be hey, he™ª -ª you and me - h - we'happy - O hey â we need our ends l the sun eveody singin' why would you walhen can run? everdy sin' why would you walk when you crun?ª Hey, apartment.
I'm home.
- Hey, Chris.
- Apartment? Oh! Wha--what are you doing here? Hey, I had to get away from the toy, so I came down here to take a nap.
How are your parents doing? Oh, exhausting.
They insist that I'm not happy in New York, and they want me to move back home and live in my old bedroom, which they haven't touched since I left for college.
I love them, but they're driving me crazy.
All their attention is focused on me.
Lookit, lookit.
I found another gray hair.
- Okay.
- You see that? How do you manage to work showing your chest off into every conversation? I'm just saying it sucks being an only child.
- Yeah, tell me about it.
- You're not an only child.
No, I know, but if you had a sibling, then you could complain to them about your parents, and I wouldn't have to keep smelling salts on me to stay awake during our conversation.
Chris Ernie can't scribble.
What are you talking about? Well, he was on a playdate with that kid who looks like Danny DeVito.
Oh! I love that kid.
Okay, well, he was scribbling, so I gave Ernie a crayon.
Nothing, not one scribble.
And I looked it up.
Children start scribbling at age one, and Ernie is-- he's older than one.
Yeah, well, I mean, you know, so he's not scribbling.
Not every kid his age scribbles.
Freddie scribbles.
Scribbles all the time.
In fact, I'd say he's on the verge of doodling.
All right, guys, I am late to go help Gary sell his wrapkin, so Just a little-- there we go.
Um, and I'm gonna be back here around 5:00 to take another nap.
So if you guys could not be here, that would be great.
Chris, we need to get Ernie some help, okay? He is not even in school yet, and he's already falling behind.
We have preschool interviews coming up, and if he doesn't get into a good preschool he doesn't get into a good high school, he doesn't get into a good college.
Imagine if Freddie goes to Yale and Ernie doesn't even get in.
Oh, my God.
Now I'm getting a nosebleed! Oh.
Ah.
Excuse me, ma'am, how much is this t-shirt with the guitar on it? $120.
Wonderful! Good afternoon! Perhaps do you sell a disposable smock or a bib for adults to keep their children from getting their clothes dirty like I have with this unfortunate juice stain? Mm, I'm sorry.
I don't believe we do.
You know, that is a shame because I, a local millionaire, would buy thousands of such a product if you had them.
Forgive me for eavesdropping, but are you familiar with the wrapkin? No.
What, pray tell, is a wrapkin? This is nice.
Reel it in! The wrapkin does exactly what you need it to do.
It's a disposable smock that keeps your clothes clean while your children's hands aren't.
Made in America.
Puerto Rico counts.
That actually sounds like a really great idea.
Uh, do you have a website? I do, I do.
It's called thewrapkin.
com.
Well, it sounds like you two have some business to discuss.
- So long, Gary.
- What? Stranger.
Hey, it was a great day at sales today.
Except for that last one where you pretended to be who? Baron Von Lichtenstein, sole heir to the Romanian zinc fortune.
Mom, this is boring.
I told you, whoever finds the toy that's making the noise will become my favorite kid.
Violet, I'm pulling for you.
But really, anyone can win! - Everybody having fun? - No.
No! I'm actually having an okay time.
Emily, I'm sorry we're late, but we got on a hot streak.
I promise I'll be on time tomorrow.
Oh, I am not watching your kids again.
What? You told Marny that you could do it all.
Me watching your children is not doing it all, okay? You're just gonna have to hire somebody.
Look, I refuse to get help.
Then what am I? A friend that I'm taking advantage of.
All right, all right.
No problem.
I'll figure it out.
I have to.
I told Marny that I was a rare breed, then I gave her this look.
Yippity doo! It's coming from inside the pillow! Toy! How many pillows have to die before you show yourself? So your primary concern is that he doesn't scribble.
That's correct.
He is not currently, nor has he ever scribbled.
Does his response time seem slow to you? Sometimes, I feel like his response time is slow.
- Do you think that too? - Yeah.
Yes, okay.
Over here.
- Hey, hey! - Over here, over here.
Hey, buddy.
Hey, buddy.
Over here, over here, over here, over here.
Okay, okay.
Thank you! Thank you.
There's nothing wrong with his response time, and his small motor skills are on par for a child his age.
Are you sure? Because Nick's kid is scribbling, and he's an idiot.
Nick, not the kid.
Maybe the kid.
The best thing you can do for Ernie is to let him develop at his own pace.
So what I'm hearing you say is that we should just let him fall behind.
That is your expert advice.
Listen, I'm sensing that you're the type of parents who fault on the side of overreacting.
Oh, come-- But what you really need to do here, for everybody's benefit, is to relax and give Ernie some space.
Well, what do you know? You don't know anything.
Well, I know that I have a PhD in child psychology from Duke, and I know that I don't take your insurance.
Come on, boys.
Hurry up! It's after 6:00, all right? We have a lot to do before your mom gets home.
Go, go, go, go! Got your text.
Let's do this.
All right, good, man.
Help me bathe the twins.
I already stripped 'em down in the elevator.
Got it? You got that one? Go.
Hold him up, hold him up, hold him up.
All right! Gotta get him, gotta get him, get it.
All right.
Yeah, there we go.
Put him in there.
Okay, get this one.
Get that one.
Hurry up, yeah.
Yeah, he's a tough one, man.
Yeah.
- Crack open his fat roll for me.
- All right.
'Cause Marny--she's gonna check when she comes home.
All right, gotta get it.
I gotta get it.
Uh-oh, uh-oh.
Somebody's calling.
Oh.
All right, this is a text from the doorman.
He says Marny's on her way up.
Okay, look.
Hey, boys.
Mom doesn't have to know anything about this, all right? Or does she? Oh.
He's shaking you down.
I love this kid.
All right, here.
Take this.
And you, you take this.
And there's an extra five in it if you can find a way to tell your mom that I'm a rare breed.
There she is, put it away.
- Put it away.
- Hey, everyone.
Hey, baby.
Hey, Gary.
How did it go today? Did you do it all? I did.
Made some sales, took care of my boys.
Isn't that right, boys? Oh, yeah.
Dad's the best! - He really is a rare-- - Rare breed.
Four days in a row, Dad.
You've been late for four days in a row.
I know, but your mother still doesn't need to know about this.
It's getting harder and harder for me to keep my mouth shut.
Cut me some slack, man.
Have I missed a payment? Come on, let's go! Let's go! Where are the twins? GJ, hit that button, man! Hit that button! Ahh! Ahh! Okay.
All right, look.
I gotta run downstairs.
You guys stay here.
Here's my wallet.
Take as much as you need to keep quiet about this! Oh! GJ, Robbie.
Ahhh! Looking for something? Ahhh! Oh, God, this is worse! This is worse than losing them! So let me get this straight: You were lying to me, and you were paying my children to lie to me.
Gary, look, if you refuse to get help with the kids, you're just gonna have to give up the wrapkin.
I know, baby, you're right.
Too bad though.
You know, the wrapkin really started to make some money.
You know, I was thinking, if all went well, I can rent that house on Nantucket for the summer like you always wanted.
You mean the house with the dock? Where you can dangle your feet in the water and drink the wine while the sun goes down? Yeah.
Let me reflect on this new information for a moment.
The wrapkin stays.
And you are getting help with the kids.
All right, baby.
But I don't wanna miss out on all the big moments with the twins like I did with Clark and Yoda.
Oh, sweetheart, I'm just talking about an extra set of hands in the afternoon.
You're not gonna miss anything.
I don't know.
You know, maybe I can still find a way to do it all myself.
- Oh, really? - Mm-hmm.
Describe for me the last meal that you prepared for your beloved children.
Cheese.
And where did you serve it? Bathtub.
I can't take it.
I don't know what's worse, hearing the toy or waiting to hear the toy.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
I think it's listening to us.
Hey, where's Freddie? Freddie! Hey! Shh! We just put him to bed.
Well, wake him up, okay? I need him to show Ernie how to scribble.
I've scribbled for him, Sheila's scribbled for him.
We think he just needs to see it from a peer, okay? Freddie! - Hey! - Hey, hey! If you want Freddie to tutor you on scribbling, you're gonna have to make an appointment like everybody else.
What did the specialist say? The specialist said he's perfect, but if he was perfect, he'd be scribbling.
Okay, you know what, give me the kid.
Give me the kid.
You're gonna ruin this child.
What are you talking about? You took him to a specialist, and he said he was perfect, and you and Sheila still won't leave him alone? You're gonna make this kid crazy.
He's only 15 months old.
We are just trying to be good parents.
Well, with all of your attention focused on him, Ernie doesn't stand a chance, right? Oh, my God, look! Baby gray hair.
Oh, my God.
Is that-- is that what I'm doing? Am I becoming my parents? Come here.
No.
No, I'm not saying that.
You're a hundred times worse than your parents.
I'm home! Oh, hi, Christine.
All right! This is good.
You boys are doing your homework.
The twins aren't greeting people in the lobby.
This is all working out just like I told Daddy it would.
Oh, my God! Look! Robbie! You're taking your first steps! Oh, my God.
You're taking your first steps, and your daddy is missing it.
No, no, no, no, no, sit down! Knock that off, knock that off.
You'll have plenty of time to walk on the beach in Nantucket.
Look, your father doesn't need to know about any of this.
Or does he? Fine! What's the going rate for a cover-up around here? - There you go.
- Hey.
Hi.
What are you doing here? Uh, I need to talk to you about something.
- What's this? - Oh, we're hammering.
Puzzle time was not a success.
Now, we're hammering.
- There you go.
- Okay, uh, Sheila, I've been thinking a lot about what's best for Ernie.
The thing is, you know how my parents are constantly driving me crazy And all I ever wanna be able to do is call up my brother or my sister and say, "hey, it's your turn to deal with them," but I can't because I'm an only child? Yeah, well there's nothing you can do about that.
True, but I can help Ernie.
When we're both old and driving him crazy, wouldn't it be great if he had a sibling to help share the burden of us.
What are you saying? I'm saying I think you and I should have another child together.
I assume your silence is you trying to figure out where you are in your cycle.
You and I are just gonna drive him more and more crazy, and he needs a sibling he can turn to.
We're preparing him for the future.
We're not driving him crazy.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
If this is how we react when he can't scribble, what happens when he doesn't win student body president? Oh, he'll win.
I've already written his speech.
It's fantastic.
Okay, Sheila, we wouldn't be doing this for us.
We'd be doing it for Ernie.
I know that it's unexpected.
Oh, yeah, unexpected is when I find myself loving Steve Harvey's new talk show.
This is ridiculous.
Just Think about it, okay? Okay, Ernie.
Let's just shake off that cuckoo conversation.
And let's get back to it.
Now, here we go.
Hammer the nail.
Remember the rhyme.
Hammer the nail, get into Yale! Hammer the nail, get into Yale! Hammer-- ow! Ernie! Oh, God.
Am I driving you crazy? Am I? Oh.
Oh, honey, oh.
I am so sorry.
I am so sorry.
Come here, come here.
Oh, I will never make you crazy again, okay? Ooh, I can't promise that.
I'm home! What's going on, everybody? Nothing.
And if you think something's going on Then you're reading this situation wrong.
Great.
Oh, my God! Robbie's walking! Robbie's walking! Oh, my God, I didn't miss it.
I did it! I did it all! Yes! Awesome! He's never taken any first steps before.
Yeah! These are totally his first steps.
Huh.
So these aren't his first steps.
What are you talking about? I know these boys.
Before they lied for you, they lied for me.
I can't believe I missed Robbie's first steps.
See, this is the thing that I was worried about.
Look, Gary, don't be upset.
Y-you can still see Gary Jr.
Take his first steps.
We'll keep him strapped in a stroller until we're in Nantucket.
You know, baby, no matter how much money we could possibly make with the wrapkin, it's not worth it.
This is why I'm a stay-at-home dad, so I won't miss moments like this.
Well, hey, instead of hiring somebody to help you with the kids, why don't you hire someone to help you with the wrapkin? Yeah.
I think I-- Yeah! Yeah, I like that.
Yeah, I can have an employee.
"Where's my raise?" "I'm sick today.
" "I need natural light.
" Shut up! You're fired! Whoo! I like that.
Hey.
So let's say Ernie does need a sibling.
Why couldn't one of us get remarried and have a baby with them? I don't know if I wanna get remarried.
The last woman I had a baby with took all my money.
Well, what about me? I could get remarried.
By the time a guy makes it through your vetting process, Ernie will be so old, he'll be asking me why weird hairs are growing out of his neck.
And I'll say, "that's just how the men in our family roll.
" Fine.
But if we do this, we're going to a lab.
Our bodies are not touching.
No! No, no, no.
Of course not.
I served my time in there.
So are we-- are we really gonna do this? - For Ernie.
- For Ernie.
Apartment, we're having another baby! - These are all your toys.
- Yes.
Which one of them makes that noise? I told you, I don't know.
You have to know! Well, you see, the problem here is that you have too many toys.
See, when I was your age, I had one Nintendo, and I had, like, ten games.
And I cherished them all Until I got a Sega Genesis.
And then I had, like, all the games for that, which was, like, 12 games.
Oh, my God, how good was Altered Beast? - Oh, my God.
- Nick.
What? What point am I making? - She has too many toys.
- Stop having so many toys! Go to your room and think about all the toys you've got! Seriously, how good was Altered Beast? That game was amazing.
Sometimes you were, like, a man.
Sometimes you're a super wolf.
Yippity doo! Oh, crap! It's the talking bottle opener your mother gave us when she was following the rodeo! The bottle opener! Oh! And we blamed Violet.
Now we have to apologize to her.
We can't do that.
We'll lose all authority.
How about this? First time we catch her drinking with her friends, we'll be super cool about it.
Yeah, but what if she and her friends don't drink? Then we raised a nerd.
You are some kind of mother.