Hannah Montana s01e16 Episode Script

We're gonna miss you, Principal Fisher.
I can't believe you're retiring.
You don't look a day over eighty.
Lilly, he's only sixty-five.
Really? Is he sick? He will be after he sees this.
Let's see what farewell words Dandruff Danny has for Principal Fisher.
One second, let me fix my hair.
This is gonna take a while.
Uh, I was just kidding about before, sir.
It's not that you're old, it's that you remind me of my dead grandfather.
But he didn't die from old age.
He got hit by a school bus.
Ironic, isn't it? Uh, Principal Fisher.
Now, Oken, I hope this is not some sort of video farewell for a beloved retiring principal.
Hey.
All right, you girls, hold it right there! - I want to do mine over again.
- We'll clean it up in editing.
Miley.
Miley? Miley.
Move over girls.
Listen, Jake, and listen good.
There's only one dame in the world that's right for a guy like you and you're looking at her.
What took you so long, baby? Traffic.
Now plant one on me and make me remember why I waste my time with you.
Miley! Miley! What? You were dreaming about Jake again, weren't you? No, I wasn't.
Why would you say that? I'm so over him.
- Hey, Miley.
- I'm over you, okay? Move on with your life! I was just gonna tell her her shoe's untied.
Whoa! Come on! You get the limo out front Hottest styles, every shoe, every color Yeah, when you're famous it can be kind of fun It's really you, but no one ever discovers Who would have thought that a girl like me Would double as a superstar? You get the best of both worlds Chill it out, take it slow Then you rock out the show You get the best of both worlds Mix it all together And you know that it's the best of both worlds If we were a movie You'd be the right guy And I'd be the best friend That you'd fall in love with And I can't sing this anymore.
I mean, it's not like girls just stand around dreaming about boys all day.
You okay, darling? Of course, I'm fine.
It's just there's other more important things in life, like world peace, and Whales.
Why can't we do a song about whales? And not stupid boy whales.
Girl whales.
Happy, independent girl whales.
I'll get right on it, darling.
Girl whales, doing their nails Don't need no males Practically writes itself.
Daddy, I'm not saying that's exactly the song.
I'm open to other fish, too.
- Can I take a break? - I think that's a good idea.
Besides, there's somebody here who wants to see you.
Dad, I'm not in the mood to see anybody right now.
Well, fine.
If you don't wanna see me, I'll just turn the bus around - and head on back to Nashville.
- Aunt Dolly! Look at you.
My goodness.
You are sprouting like a rosebush after a month of rain, only not as wet and twice as pretty.
Whoa doggies, I like that.
I might use that in a song.
Well, fine.
First one's free, next one you share profits with me.
Come in here, sweet pea.
I got a story to tell you about this possum and a skunk that were sharing a pew at church.
Okay, what's his name? What are you talking about? I am talking about my goddaughter crushing over some boy harder than a monster truck driving over a little clown car.
Monster trucks, clown cars.
Oh, I've missed you, Aunt Dolly.
You're funny.
You know, we're thinking about getting a dog.
Really? Well, you might want to think about naming him Zippy, because zip is what I'm getting from you.
Listen, sweet pea, when you decide you want to talk about this boy that don't exist, you know I'm here for you.
And I'm here, too, bud.
Robbie Ray, you nosy hillbilly! Hey, I'm not listening.
I just wanted you to know I'm here.
And I'm not a nosy hillbilly.
I'm a concerned hillbilly father.
- Morning, Dolly.
- Hey.
Whoa! Looks like my home's been invaded by aliens from the Planet Froufrou.
Robbie Stewart, you keep making fun of my decorating, I'm gonna have to tell your kids how you used to run around in a diaper and little black boots saying, "Hello, I'm Johnny Cash.
" Come to think of it, I love what you've done with the place.
Hey, good.
Would you just say that to the folks back home? And while you're at it, would you please tell Uncle Zeke to get rid of that awful mullet comb-over? Lord knows how that man can take one hair, wrap it completely around his head and down his back.
It's called a skullet, and it ain't that bad.
Well, you ain't seen him floss with it.
- Ready? - Hey, everybody.
Hey, Uncle Zeke.
You might want to treat yourself to a haircut, and get you a toothpick.
- I'm going for a jog.
- Okay.
Oh, man.
- This is not good.
- Oh, what's the matter with you? Aunt Dolly, I smell like a petunia.
What did you wash this stuff in? Well, just a little fabric softener and a whole lot of love.
You got anything to say to the folks back home? Well, sure.
Hey, everybody.
When the guys get a whiff of me, I'm gonna get beat up today! Bye.
Well, at least you got a look at him before that happens.
So, let's go check on Miley and see what she's up to.
Come on.
If we were a movie You'd be the right guy I'd be the best friend That you'd fall in love with In the end we'd be laughing Watching the sunset fade to black Show the names, play that happy song Well, that was just beautiful, sweet pea.
I can't wait to hear you sing it, when there really is a boy.
His name is Jake.
Jake Ryan.
The zombie slayer? "Dude, I slayed you once.
Don't make me slay you again.
" That boy is too cute! I know.
He goes to my school.
And sometimes he can be really obnoxious, but then he gets really sweet and then he gets all obnoxious again.
That reminds me.
I gotta call my husband.
Aunt Dolly, puberty crisis here.
Darling, I am so sorry.
I just forget sometimes.
Being a teenage girl is harder than walking through a balloon shop with a porcupine purse.
I don't know what to do, Aunt Dolly.
Jake said he likes me 'cause I'm the only girl at school who's not falling all over him.
And if I tell him that I like him, then I am falling all over him.
I'm caught between a rock and a zombie slayer here.
Well, honey, nobody knows what's around the corner but I know one thing, if you keep yourself out of the game for fear of losing, there is no way on this Earth you're gonna win.
So you're saying that I should just walk up to Jake and say, " Jake Ryan, I'm through pretending that I don't like you, "when the truth is I'm totally in love with you.
" Wait a minute.
Is this thing on? Oh, good golly, Miss Dolly.
You know what? I am forever leaving this thing on.
Last Christmas, I got four hours of the dog chewing the head off the Little Drummer Boy.
Poor little old Rufus was chucking up body parts for a week.
Uh, Aunt Dolly, I think your hair's ringing.
Well, honey, when your pants are as tight as mine, you've got to have somewhere to put your phone.
Hey, sweetie, I was just talking about you.
Rufus ate what? No.
I'll be right back.
He did? The one out on the patio? Miles, I gotta get this video in today and you're the only one who hasn't said goodbye to Principal Fisher.
So take your time, think of something really good.
- And, action! - Okay.
Bye.
Perfect! Muffins! Bye.
Why didn't I do that? "A day over eighty.
" What was I thinking? Oh, that's my mom.
I have to get to school early so I can turn this thing in to the editor.
Oliver, let's go! I thought you said that was your mom.
It is.
When she's mad, she uses her man voice.
Move, move, move! Wait a minute.
I thought he took his camera.
Oh, that's Aunt Dolly's.
Funny.
It looks a lot like Oliver's.
Yeah, but Aunt Dolly's has her initials on it.
See? Where's the "D"? Where's the rhinestone "D"? Miley, it's just a camera.
What's the big deal? That camera has a tape of me saying, " Jake Ryan, I'm totally in love with you!" - Whoa! - I know.
- Hey, Jake.
- What's up? Quick, Oliver, you took the wrong camera.
Give it back.
- Sorry.
Here.
- Thanks.
- Where's the tape? - I gave it to the editor.
- Who's the editor? - Jake.
Jake who? Ow, ow, ow! Thanks a lot.
You ripped out my only chest hair.
So I gave Jake the tape.
Just go ask for it back.
I can't believe I have to do this.
Jake, can we have our tape back? Please.
I looked great.
She looked terrible.
- Better than you! - Keep dreaming! - Uh, Jake? - One second.
Guys, if I let you redo your tape, then everyone's gonna want to do the same thing.
I'm sorry, but nobody gets their tapes back under any circumstances.
So, uh, Miley, what's going on? I just wanted to tell you that I know another guy named Jake Ryan.
So if you ever hear me talking about Jake Ryan, I'm talking about the other Jake Ryan.
Not you, Jake.
Other Jake.
Bye-bye.
You're dead to me.
Dad, I don't know why, but I have this funny feeling that Aunt Dolly replaced my shampoo.
Whoa! Well, join the club, Son.
Looks like we've been volumised and Dolly-sized.
I can't take this anymore, Dad.
Between the shampoo and the smelly tissues, and the potpourri, and all these flowers, I mean, I'm losing my manly essence! There's only one thing we can do, Son.
Let's go to the gym and fight back with the one thing she can't take from us.
Our man stink! Uh, Dad, can we maybe do it tomorrow? Aunt Dolly buffed my nails and I don't want to ruin them.
Do you hear yourself, Son? Oh, no! Get me to the gym, fast! We've got to figure out something, Lilly.
Jake's probably laughing at that tape right now.
I know, this is awful! This is horrible! This is so cute! Can I borrow it? Put that away, Lilly, I've got something else for you girls to wear.
Thanks, Aunt Dolly, but clothes aren't going to help me now.
Oh, these will.
I got you girls into this mess, and I'm gonna get you out.
If that boy won't give the tape back, we're going in after it, undercover.
Ooh, I like the way she thinks.
- And I love the way she accessorizes.
- These boots are made for sneaking.
Girls, I don't just rock, I roll.
Okay, let's just focus on the plan.
Aunt Dolly and I go into the edit room.
Lilly, you stand watch.
We get the tape and we're out of here.
Okay.
It's locked! Not for long.
These nails ain't just for scratching.
Like a charm.
I haven't carried a house key in years.
Okay, people, let's get her done! Lilly, less squeaky, more sneaky.
Sorry.
- Oh, no, he's in there.
What do we do? I'm sorry, honey.
Mind if I clean up in here? Well, it don't matter because I'm gonna clean up anyhow, so don't sass me, boy.
No problem.
Oh, one sec.
Since you're here, I might as well toss this.
Oh, wait! Don't you want to finish that? You're a growing boy.
Nah.
I eat too much of this junk anyway.
Uh, can't let you do that.
Union rules.
I'll take care of it.
I'll just toss it to the left of the trash can.
Whoa, what the heck is in there? Well, I guess that dead lab frog still has a little hop left in him.
Sweet niblets, you are Jake Ryan! - You are Jake, aren't you? - Yes.
You're as cute as they said.
Can I have your autograph? Sure.
It's really for my goddaughter.
I mean, she just loves you.
Really, she loves you.
That's that dang frog again.
Hey, what happened to all my tapes? Hey, didn't you say that very line in the famous lost zombie tape episode? Yeah.
Some of my finest work.
Well, I have heard about you.
I've heard you do some great stuff.
And you are as cute as they say.
Well, gotta go, while the getting's good.
Oh, uh, one more thing.
Shake in the hole! Did you get it? Oh, I got it.
I got it good.
- Strawberry.
- Oh, my favorite.
Breathe that in, Son.
That's the sweet stench of independence, freedom and manly pride.
I hear you, Daddy.
My eyes are burning, my eyes.
I'm so ranky, I taste my own stanky.
I can't stand it! I'm taking a shower.
And I'm using Aunt Dolly's peach body wash with exfoliating loofah glove.
Well, you loofah all you want to, I'm gonna take a bubble bath with one of her citrus fizzy balls.
Maybe two.
What are you so upset about? You got your tape back.
I know I should be happy, but I'm not.
I mean, it makes sense.
You're right back where you started, secretly crushing on Jake.
If I were you, I would've listened to your Aunt Dolly and just tell him how you feel.
Why didn't you tell me that yesterday? Because I wanted to wear the cool black outfit.
Okay, I'm just gonna do it.
I'm gonna tell him the truth.
You know, he might think I'm falling all over him, - but at least he'll know how I feel.
- And maybe he'll feel the same way.
- Yeah, you're right.
It's worth the risk.
- Yeah.
- I'll never know unless I try.
- Yeah.
Here I go.
- Hey, Jake.
- Hey, Miley.
- Listen, I have something to tell you - Hi, Jakey.
Hey, Rach.
Oh, Miley, you know Rachel, right? From Spanish class? Oh, sure.
Hi, Rachel.
Yeah, we're kind of going out now.
Isn't that great? Yeah.
Really great.
So, uh, what was it that you wanted to tell me? Nothing.
It's not important anymore.
All right.
Well, see you around.
Yeah, see you around.
He loves me not.
Still not loving me.
Too busy loving Rachel.
And he still ain't loving me, and now he's not loving me anymore, and now I need more petals.
You got any ideas what we're gonna do about this? Have you ever known me not to have an idea? Just follow my lead.
So, Robbie, do you remember when you were trying to get up the courage to ask Miley's mom out and she just turned you down flat? Yep.
She said she was already dating somebody else.
And do you remember what I told you? Yep.
You said, "Next time you're gonna ask a girl out, "don't wash your truck, wash your hair.
" I mean after that.
Yep.
You said, "The only way to not be in the game, "is to take yourself out of the game.
" Guys, I know what you all are trying to do, but let's face it, I waited too long.
I blew it.
Game over.
Robbie, is this the same girl that came to me and said, "I want to be a singer.
" And I said, "Sweet pea, the chances of that happening are one in a million.
" And she said, "I want to be that one.
" - Where's that girl? - She's right here.
Well, if you hadn't taken that risk, you never would've become Hannah Montana, now would you? No.
So So if I want something bad enough, I should get off my butt and fight for it.
That's right.
That reminds me of a song by my favorite teen pop star.
Who said, who said you can't be Superman? I say, I say that I know you can Who said, who said you can't be worldwide? I say, I say time is on your side Who said, who said Jake won't be the guy? I say, I say give it another try Who said, who said you can't be ten feet tall? I say, I say that I can have it all Who said? - Oh, I love it.
Who said? Have you been using my citrus fizzy balls? No, ma'am.
But I did use your apricot scrub.
You know, Aunt Dolly, I kind of modelled Hannah Montana's look after you.
Really? I thought I was missing a wig! Don't make me smile.
I'm cracking.
You know, this avocado mask tastes ten times better than the mango scrub.
You know, Rufus ate a whole bowl of that mango scrub once.
For a whole week, that little dog smelled like a tropical breeze coming and going.
Cool.
Can't wait.