Hogan's Heroes (1965) s01e16 Episode Script

CBS presents this program in color.
( theme song playing ) SCHULTZ: Aha! Schultz! I-I followed you! LeBeau! Colonel Hogan! You are not supposed to walk outside the camp.
Even you are not supposed to walk outside the camp.
I wasn't, Schultz.
So what are you doing here? We're here to meet an escaped prisoner from Stalag 5.
You want to be in the welcoming committee? Oh I knew you were up to something.
I knew it! Oh, you would like to see me sent to the Russian front.
How can you say that, Schultz? I couldn't get along without ya.
Besides, think of the trouble we'd have breaking in a new man.
LeBEAU: A German truck! Get down! Get down! Get down! Get down! ( vehicle approaching ) Here, where we were supposed to meet him, did you tell anyone, Schultz? LeBeau, would I do such a foolish thing? ( breaks squeal ) Look, it's Michaels.
Come on, Schultz, you don't want to be rude to our guest.
Come on.
Michaels, Hogan.
I hope I didn't give you chaps a start.
I stole this in confusion.
Hey, that's a late model.
How much can we get for it in the black market, Schultz? I know nothing of such things.
I must say, you chaps do get yourselves up as convincing Jerries.
Oh, don't worry about that, Schultz, he's not one of us.
Pity.
By the way, Colonel Hogan, I got a rather pleasant surprise when I looked in the back of the lorry.
The chaps at home would be most interested.
I thought we might sneak one into camp, take it apart and send back a set of blueprints.
Why not send the entire gunsight back, huh? That would be smashing.
Do you think we could? Kind of simple.
When we get ready to send you home we send the gunsight with you.
In the meantime, we got to get you back in camp.
I must say, I find the whole thing hard to believe.
Me, too.
Our gunsight, escaped prisoner, stolen truck.
What are we supposed to do with the truck? Schultz, as long as you're here, would you mind hiding it somewhere? ( groans ) So, my dear Colonel, I can assure you I know everything.
Just by chance, by chance, mind you, does the name Michaels ring a bell with you? Michaels? Michaels.
Yes.
Yes, it does.
Yes, it does.
It does? Yeah.
I knew this English girl, Diane Michaels a beauty.
Peaches and cream complexion.
That is not the Michaels I had in mind.
This one has a mustache.
Oh, we're talking about two different girls.
For your information, I am speaking about a Captain Michaels who was recently a prisoner at Stalag 5.
Recently? Yes, until those fools let him escape.
Hogan, I tell you there is only one way to run a camp and that is my way.
Iron hand, discipline, hard work, keep the prisoners busy.
Colonel Klink, thanks to you, we're kept busy every minute of the day! Right, Schultz? Right.
I mean, what do I know what the prisoners do? Schultz, don't you agree that I run an unusual camp? Oh, a most unusual, Herr Kommandant.
Look, I've got work to do, so Hogan, not so fast! I'm not finished with you yet! Now this Captain Michaels-- our last report was that he stole one of our trucks and was headed toward the coast.
Well, if I see a British officer in a German truck, then I'll know who it is, right? Hogan, I am not playing games.
Now, perhaps you can explain something to me.
According to this report, this Captain Michaels suddenly vanished, army truck and all.
That is strange a truck disappearing.
Now, I don't believe it! Perhaps those fools at Stalag 5 believe it.
But I am convinced that this Michaels is somewhere in this very vicinity.
You know, sir, you may be right.
I'm sure of it.
Now, the first thing to do is to find the truck.
Schultz, since I am short of men, I am forced to put you in charge of finding that truck.
Hello, Papa Bear, this is Goldilocks.
How are you today? ( over radio ): A bit sticky here.
Nasty rain and all that.
I hope you chaps are bearing up? The weather is okay.
We're having a little trouble with our strawberries though.
That is a rough go.
By the way, that self-computing item you wired me about.
Headquarters wants it at once.
Is that possible? Can do.
Thanks, awfully.
We'd like to have the commando, too, of course.
HOGAN: Of course.
Sub can pick up commando same time picks up item.
I'm afraid that's going to be a bit of a problem.
The sub.
It's gone bad.
Can't cut the cake just now.
How did you figure to pick up item? We rather hoped you chaps would have an idea.
American know-how and ingenuity.
That sort of thing.
Why not? Will do.
Over, Papa Bear.
If you don't mind my asking, Colonel Hogan, what exactly did you have in mind? Yes, old chap, what are you going to use for a sub? Yeah.
How are you going to get Michaels across all that open sea, huh? Did you expect him to walk across? You going to put the gunsight in his pocket? How are you going to get him through the woods with all the Krauts outside? And what about the Krauts inside? If there's one thing I can't stand is men with small, petty minds.
Is the great man in? Yes, and he's personally supervising the search for you know who.
That's a break for our side.
Will you tell him I'm here? Ya, ya, ya? Herr Kommandant, Colonel Hogan is here.
Oh.
Doesn't he realize how busy I am? All right, send him in.
The latest roster, sir.
Thank you.
Oh, please, let me help you, sir.
Hey, hey.
What are you doing? Please, sit down, you look pale and drawn.
I've seen it before.
Seen it? Seen what? What, what, what? Please, please.
Very gallant of you to try to deny it, sir.
You see it, don't you Fraulein Helga? Oh, yes, I do, I do.
W-What are you talking-- Thank you.
Please, please, please.
Thank you.
I may be wrong, sir.
It may not be my place, but I've got to tell you, you look tired, very tired.
Right, Fraulein Helga? Oh, yes, the colonel is right, Herr Kommandant.
Oh ( crying ) Yes, yes, it has been wearing.
This Michaels fellow, I have been personally supervising the search.
Relentless, driving as I am.
Driving, that's how it starts.
What starts? It's always the symptoms.
Yes, indeed.
You're pushing yourself beyond all endurance.
And then, complete collapse.
( groans ) Excuse me for saying it, sir, but I've seen combat fatigue before.
Combat fatigue? Uh-huh.
You owe it to yourself to relax, you know that? Relax? Relax? Mm-hmm.
I'm on the go 24 hours a day running a model prisoner camp.
How can I relax?! Forgive me for saying it, sir, but it's beginning to tell.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear.
As the old saying goes when a bough doesn't bend it breaks.
What do you suggest? Perhaps-- perhaps now-- if you could get away and relax, like, uh an officer's club like they have at Stalag 5.
Carter told me all about it, sir.
They have an officer's club at Stalag 5? Uh-huh.
An officer's club at St Well, maybe you're right.
Yes.
A sturdy oak like me should bend once in a while.
You owe it to the war effort, sir.
Yes.
My own officer's club.
I can see it now.
It must be something original.
Wine cellar beer mugs, cuckoo clocks.
Brilliant! But you've got to have something more unique.
Something that no one else in the German army has.
Yes, yes, yes.
It must be something worthy of me.
Right.
Men under your command, I know would be honored to build it for you.
Of course.
Of course, we have the man when it comes to design, decor.
LeBeau.
You know how the French are with their style, flair-- mostly decadent of course.
Of course, we know very well how to use such corrupt means for our own good.
To do the job right, LeBeau has got to be put in command.
A Frenchman giving orders to Germans? Oh, that's unthinkable.
That's the joke.
Joke? Don't you see it? You see, LeBeau thinks he's in charge, but he's really taking the orders from you.
( laughing ) All right, mein Herren, get the lead out! Come on, come on.
Faster, faster.
Bring it up.
Come on, hammer a little faster, huh? Lankershieb, put some muscle into it! You're not slicing liverwurst.
Kristman, you're going the wrong way! Starboard.
Starboard.
Not port! What's going on here? Starboard, port? I thought we were building an officer's club? Mr.
Kristman, be quiet! Or I'll see you hang from the highest yardarm.
Starboard! LeBeau, this thing is really shaping up.
You know, your row boating on the river Seine is finally paying off.
Yes, Colonel.
Come on, you guys! Stop falling over your own feet! The master race-- tomorrow the world.
Ha! Hi, Schultz.
May I ask you something? Why are we building a boat? What are you up to? You really want to know, Schultz? Well Please, don't tell me.
How about Captain Michaels? How are you going to get him out of the camp? Please, don't tell me.
Why am I asking? Oh, Schultz where is your sense of loyalty? Helping the enemy! Schultz! Schultz! What is happening to you? Aw, come on, Schultz.
If you're going to psychoanalyze yourself go find a couch.
We're busy here.
How about the Kommandant? He gave me his word he wouldn't peek.
He wants it to be a surprise.
Oh, boy, is he going to be surprised.
Colonel Hogan! Oh, Klink, you gave me your word! I don't know what you two are up to, but I intend to find out.
I'm surprised, sir, you don't get the point.
What point? I ordered an officer's club and a ship comes out in the middle of a prison camp That's just the point.
We wanted to show the real you.
On the one hand, your good breeding, exclusiveness.
What could be more exclusive than a yacht club? I do admit a yacht club would be worthy of me.
Maybe someday, Colonel Klink, you can sail to Tahiti.
When it will be German owned, of course.
In the meantime, you have your own private yacht club.
Yep, I can see you there entertaining the skipper.
Captain's cap, blazer Helga, your hostess.
Soft nights, tropical breezes.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
But in the meantime, you have your own little bit of Tahiti right here.
Tahiti when there's snow? You could always wear gloves.
Yes.
Yes.
Colonel, I just got a radio message from headquarters.
They say the weather reports look bad for next week.
The boat will have to leave tomorrow night.
Tomorrow night? How can it be done? We could always set fire to Klink's office and try to get him out the north gate.
Hey, hey Gentlemen, I have just had a great inspiration.
I am going to give a party on my own yacht club.
A party, Colonel? When? Why wait? Tomorrow night.
Colonel Hogan, since you were the first to give me the idea, I wanted you to be the first to know.
Got anymore good ideas? And, uh what do you think of it, Fraulein Helga? I am speechless, Herr Kommandant.
I can understand that.
I am a man of many sides.
You didn't know that, behind that stern soldier, there is a a world traveler, a dreamer a lover! You are a dreamer.
That's my secret.
And now it is yours, too.
Oh, Fraulein Helga, you are my Lorelei.
Soft nights, tropical breezes ( clears throat ) * Ich weiss nicht was soll es bedeuten * Oh, I'm sorry.
What do you want, Colonel Hogan? It can wait.
It's not important.
It's about the party tonight.
Oh, come in, come in.
You know, we Germans never do anything halfway.
This party tonight is as important to me as going into battle.
Uh sit down.
You know, you really don't understand us.
That's why you're losing the war.
I'm sorry, sir.
It's the easy living that's ruined us Americans.
Uh we need your approval.
Approval for what? Approval to load the boat with the caviar and the champagne and the hors d'oeuvres.
Permission granted.
Remember, as prisoners of war, you're not required to do this according to the Geneva Convention.
That's all right, sir.
We're we're we're happy to do our bit.
And, besides, LeBeau's experienced at this.
Comes from a long line of headwaiters.
You know, Hogan, it's times like these when it's hard for me to think of you as the enemy.
If it weren't for my strict rules on fraternization, I, uh would invite you to the party tonight.
Well, thank you, sir.
I understand.
And, besides, what would the other guests think? Like Burkhalter.
Burkhalter? Yeah.
Your commandant in Berlin.
Who invited him? You didn't invite General Burkhalter? Oh, I'm I'm I'm sorry, sir.
Just a moment.
Just a moment.
Is there something wrong? Well, I mean, in our army I mean, it would be an affront.
You know, military courtesy, esprit de corps.
Guess that's not important when you're winning the war.
Oh, it is important! It is important! Fraulein Helga? Get him Berlin.
One case of, uh champagne.
Check.
Champagne? It's a going-away present for Michaels.
Keep him warm during the trip.
( breathing heavily ) How big a party is this going to be? One gunsight.
One gunsight.
Check.
Handle that extra-carefully, will you, Schultz? Oh, tell me, why am I doing this? Thank you, gentlemen.
One case of horse doveres.
No, no, no.
Hors d'oeuvres, Schultz.
Hors d'oeuvres.
Hors d'oeuvres, hors d'oeuvres Schnell, schnell, schnell, schnell! Caviar.
Check.
How goes the battle, men? You better get going.
You know what to say.
Yes, sir.
What's that guy's name again? Burkhalter.
Burk-halter.
Burkhalter.
Burkherlter.
Burkhalter.
Yes, sir.
General Burkhalter.
Well, anyway, one afternoon he came to inspect Stalag 5.
Well, when he took one look at the fancy officers' club there, he really blew his stack at the commandant-- Vogel-- and he he said things like, uh "How can you do this when our boys are having such a rough time on the Russian front?" Not to mention the Italian front.
And my club is fancier than Vogel's, huh? Yes, sir.
It sure is.
Anyway General Buck Burkhalter told Vogel if he didn't get rid of his club, he'd see him off on the train to Stalingrad personally.
Carter, why didn't you tell Hogan about this?! He didn't ask me.
KLINK: Get out of my way! Get out of my way! You two, get out of my way! Right on the nose.
Oh, Colonel Klink.
Just admiring your club.
Oh, when you Germans build things, you really know how to build 'em.
Hogan Such attention to detail, perfect construction yes, sir! I want this this this ship thing destroyed at once! Destroyed? What about the party? What what about General Burkhalter? Ask that fool Carter.
Now, I want this ship demolished immediately before General Burkhalter gets here! That's not going to be easy.
I mean, listen to this.
Like rock.
I mean, this thing was built to last a hundred years.
We don't have that much time.
We could burn it.
Fire makes flames, no? If General Burkhalter sees the fire, he'll ask questions, no? Flames make ashes, no? Yes, sir.
Flames make ashes.
Marvelous.
What clear thinking.
Well, I'm sure you'll come up with some way to get rid of it.
I have.
Since my men built it, it is up to you and your men to get rid of it at once.
Now, that is an order.
Get rid of it at once! Yes, sir.
Get rid of it at once! Get rid of it at once! This trailer hitch should do the job.
All right, we're almost home.
Sorry to jolt your reveries, Colonel Hogan.
How do you hope to get Michaels aboard? And, just out of idle curiosity, how do we hope to get this vessel to port? Newkirk, have I ever told you you make great officer material? Never mind the insults, Colonel Hogan.
Just answer the question, please.
Is this thing still here?! General Burkhalter's only an hour away.
And what is this iron thing supposed? Oh! It's part of our plan.
Make it easier to move.
We're going to hide it in the woods.
That is your plan, huh? For someone to find it? Why didn't we think of that? I have a solution.
It is so obvious, I'm surprised you didn't think of it.
Now, listen, you have a club that's a boat, and it is on a trailer.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Now, I ask you, what is the most logical thing to do? Move the whole thing to the water! The German army could use more men like you, sir.
Thank you.
Now, the boat could be moored until final victory is achieved.
Hogan, are you sure this boat is seaworthy? It had better be.
Good.
One more thing, Hogan.
It must be out of here before General Burkhalter gets here.
Remember, this means a lot to me.
It means a lot to us, too.
Sergeant, halt! Just in case, Hogan, I'm assigning this squad to see that you get the job done.
Sergeant, this thing out! Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! SERGEANT: I give you five minutes! Raus! Uh Sergeant, would you be so kind as to get that life raft put aboard, huh? And keep it end up.
He's very it's very valuable.
Schnell! Schnell! Um maybe the entire squad.
It's kind of heavy.
Schnell! Schnell! HOGAN: All right, easy does it! Easy does it! That's it.
That's it.
Would you fellas like to say good-bye to Captain Michaels? How did you get him inside there? It wasn't easy, but there's a war on.
HOGAN: All right, easy does it.
Easy does it.
Let's get this thing hitched up, and get this boat on the road.
Right.
Right.
General Burkhalter will be here in a few minutes.
I just received word.
I What is this!? Getting rid of it, sir, as ordered.
You? What do you take me for, Hogan, a fool? Let you drive away and not come back? Perhaps sail away.
I am ashamed of you, Hogan.
Ruin my perfect record of no one escaping from Stalag 13? Never! Colonel Klink, what are you saying? Sergeant Kristman, take this, this to the water.
Good-bye! Newkirk, get back! Bon voyage! Thank you, Kommandant.
Thank you for making me come all the way from Berlin for a dinner of stale sauerbraten.
As you can see, Herr General, we have the same shortages here as all the officers lucky enough to be at the front.
Another such dinner, Klink, and I'll see what I can do to make you so lucky.
( car engine starting ) Colonel Hogan, what are you doing driving a German truck? Not a German truck, sir.
The German truck.
And I'm giving it to you.
You are giving me a German truck? What is the meaning of this? The truck that Michaels stole.
And what are you doing with it? I'm returning it to you.
My men stumbled on it while on garbage detail.
And I was thinking of showing it to Burkhalter as he went out, but I figured you'd rather call him direct to Berlin and invite him down-- make a big deal out of it, huh? Not so fast.
Wait a minute.
Invite him from Berlin? What for? These headquarters fellows, they are soft.
They don't know how to take combat conditions.
I have a better idea.
Schultz! SCHULTZ: Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! Order the dogs to the special detail.
My military intuition and this truck tell me that our friend Captain Michaels is floating around out there somewhere waiting for me to capture him.
Right, Hogan? Wouldn't surprise me a bit, sir.
( laughing )