Hotel Transylvania: The Series (2017) s01e16 Episode Script

1 [GHOSTLY VOCALIZING.]
[MUSIC.]
[RAP BEAT PLAYING.]
[HARD ROCK PLAYING.]
[SCREAMING.]
[BATS SQUEAKING.]
[WOLF HOWLING.]
All right, I'm just gonna say it: that is some weak grave-robbing.
[GRITTING TEETH.]
Do you have to be so loud? I'm trying to throw the zombies off my scent.
Everyone knows they can't keep their mouths shut.
[GROANING.]
I don't want anyone knowing I'm actually searching for A pony? No, no, that's not it.
That's just weird.
[GASPING.]
Unless it is a pony! I wanna say pony? BOTH: [CHANTING.]
Pony! Pony! Pony! Pandora's box! Okay? [GASPING.]
They say it holds all of the mysteries and dark evils of the monster underworld! I just really want to see for myself if it's real.
Ah, of course.
Pandora's box.
- Yeah, never heard of it.
- But I thought there isn't a monster alive or dead who knows where it is? How do you know where to look? Turns out there's one monster.
Uncle Gene spilled the beans.
He sleep-gossips.
[SNORING.]
Dr.
Gillman stuffs rotten eggs in his socks to hide his human-smelling feet! [MAVIS GIGGLING.]
And Pandora's box is buried in plot 1313.
[MAVIS GASPS.]
[CLANGG.]
[GASPS.]
Boom drac-a-lacka! - Pandora's box! - That's it? Huh.
It is kind of plain.
Ha! They should call it the boring square of Boringville.
[ALL GASP.]
How about we just call it mine? But Aunt Lydia? How did you know? Uncle Gene has loose lips.
[SNORING.]
Quasimodo's real name is Rainbow.
[AUNT LYDIA CHUCKLING.]
And let's not forget Pandora's box is in plot 1313.
[GASPS.]
MAVIS: This isn't fair! I found it! Yes, you found it and I'm keeping it.
It's a well-known monster law.
[GROANS.]
It's true.
Count Finder v.
Franken-Keeper.
Landmark case.
[GROANING.]
[CHUCKLING.]
At last, all the dark secrets of Pandora's Box are mine.
Mine! Mine! Too much? With the power inside this box, I, and not my dopey brother, will control the Vampire Council and the monster underworld! [GRUNTING.]
[MUSIC.]
[GASPS.]
"Congratulations, you have found Pandora's box, which means Gene spilled the beans, again.
You now have one hour to open it before the box self-destructs, and its dark secret will be lost forever!" Lost forever?! Not on my watch.
[SNAPS.]
What are those holes for? It's so simple, and yet so complicated.
Ah, well, too bad, so sad.
Guess you won't rule with an iron fist after all.
It'd take a super genius to open this thing.
Agreed.
Fortunately, I have a genius on ice for just such an occasion.
Bring me Zombie Sir Isaac Newton! He discovered gravity, you know.
[ICE CRACKING.]
[GROWLING.]
Must still have brain freeze.
Mavis, take him to be brainwashed and return at once! What? Why do I have to? Because the underworld's greatest evil is locked inside this box and I want it now! - And also because I said so.
- Argh! [GROANING.]
You and me both.
So unfair.
Why do I have to help her become the most evil monster alive? Uh, I'll have the gentle mental wash and hang-dry, please.
Oh, hey, Mavis! Pedro and I were playing full-contact golf and I think I might have a club stuck in my - Oh! - Good speakin' with ya, Hank.
AUNT LYDIA: Mavis! [GROANS.]
Gotcha! AUNT LYDIA: Hurry up! Finally! Sir Isaac, I want this box opened now! HANK'S VOICE: I like the "sir" part, but, uh, who's Isaac? - Huh? - What is the meaning of this? Uh, he must be Waterlogged? - I'll wring him out.
- Do it quickly! We're losing time.
[SNARLING.]
- Hank? Is that you? - [STAMMERS.]
Mavis, what's going on? Uh-oh.
AUNT LYDIA: Mavis! [MAVIS SHOUTING IN SLOW MOTION.]
Oh, no.
Okay, it's possible I maybe, kinda, sorta mixed things up down at brainwashing.
I think your Hank brain is in Zombie Newton's body.
Then whose brain is in my body? WENDY: How are you supposed to find a prize at the bottom of this box with all these Fearios in the way? [HANK ZOMBIE GROANING.]
Yeah, yeah! Hankster, you're a genius! - Mavis, you have to find my body! - I will.
Whatever you do, do not try to open Pandora's box or Aunt Lydia will know you're not Isaac Newton.
Huh? Yeah, no.
You're a zombie.
Just groan.
But sound really smart when you're doing it! Sir Isaac! Ah! There are 42 minutes left until this box self-destructs and if it does, so do you.
Mavis! I don't wanna self-destruct! On it! I want this box open.
[YELLS.]
Now! Well, that didn't go as I'd hoped.
[PLAYING PIANO.]
Hank? [EXCLAIMS.]
Uh, sorry! I thought you were someone else.
I wish I was.
Phew! Thank goblins I found you! Hank's body, you gotta come quick! [GRUNTING.]
- Hank isn't really feeling like himself.
- What happened? Ooh, ooh! Let's do a flashback! Yeah! PEDRO: Hank was acting weird, writing equations on the menu blackboard.
WENDY: When he erased the soup, nobody knew what to get for lunch! So we had to call that waiter.
You know, the one with the huge pus-y boil on his eye wart.
- What happened to the brain? - Well I figured he still had a golf ball stuck in his brain so I pulled it out, but it was wet and squidgy [SQUAWKS.]
and next thing I know So, the brain of the greatest genius to walk the Earth is bouncing around the hotel with my evil Aunt Lydia's - crazy chicken? - Well, when you say it like that, you make it sound kind of silly.
[PEDRO LAUGHING.]
- Ah, well, no big deal.
Lunch? - Lunch? Without Newton's brain, Pandora's box is gonna go kablooey! And then Aunt Lydia is going to do the same to Hank! We have to open the box to save him! Gah! Why didn't you say so? Come on! [GROANING DRAMATICALLY.]
Will you get up? I want this box opened and I want it opened now! You have 20 minutes.
And then you'll see what I'm like when I'm really mad! Okay, Hank, you can do this.
It's just a puzzle.
So, how do I normally solve puzzles? Aha! [GRUNTS.]
Excuse me.
Hello, Marco? Yeah, this is Lydia.
Would you be a dear and prepare an extra plot in the cemetery? Hmm? How soon? Hmm Twenty-one minutes.
[ALL PANTING.]
[CHICKEN SQUAWKING.]
We're hot on the trail of Newton's brain A hunt that could drive poor Mavis insane This brainiac thinker shoots like an elastic Its velocity makes it rather fantastic Even Wendy's tummy cannot contain The tenacity of this zombie brain Ah! This dog is a slob! Someone please help me I've slipped in its gob [CHOMPS.]
[BARKING, SNARLING.]
Holy rabies! - Oh, my! - Skull snaps! You listen to me [BARKING.]
[ALL SCREAMING.]
What is going on here? [GASPS.]
Ah! Fire! Why aren't I getting anywhere? No! No, put the box down! Put the box down! Bad dogs! Bad dogs! [SNARLING.]
[SNARLING.]
ALL: Oh! Hey! Do not disturb! [GROWLING.]
Uncle Gene's room! [SIGHING.]
Nobody listens anymore.
[SNORING.]
- We're nearly out of time! - Ten, nine Not helping.
[QUIETLY.]
Eight, seven [GASPS.]
Of course! Uncle Gene! He'll know! Uncle Gene, can you hear me? How do we open Pandora's box? [WHISPERING.]
Six, five, four [SNORING.]
Fang print.
[GASPS.]
The holes are for fangs! WENDY AND PEDRO: Three, two Yes! We did it! Yes! At last, mine! [BRAIN SCREAMING.]
"Congratulations.
You have opened Pandora's box.
Which means you are now the unlucky recipient of the world's greatest evil.
" [HIGH-PITCHED CACKLING.]
"Pandora's cursed and totally annoying Demented Debbie doll"? Oh, no.
DEBBIE: I'm back! We're going to be best friends forever! [SCREAMING.]
[SMASHING GLASS.]
[DEBBIE CACKLING.]
Huh, so the only reason Pandora buried her box was to escape her Demented Debbie doll? HANK: All I know is it's great to be me again.
- Uh Hank? - What? Eh, nothin'.
You look good.
[BATS SQUEAKING.]
[MUSIC.]
[YAWNING.]
Shouldn't be many monsters checking in now.
I think I'll call it [ANGRY GIGGLING.]
[BOTH GASP.]
[CLUCKS.]
[MEDUSA YELPING AND SHOUTING.]
- Medusa! - Medusa! [CLUCKS.]
I can't believe I'm back in this fresh, charming oasis.
- Ugh! - H-How dare you! Not now, Lidz.
The ferryman to Hades is on vacay, and so I have no choice but to hole up in this flower pot.
[GROWLING.]
I just want to sleep.
Be a demon and bring my bags.
And please, do not disturb, ever! [GIGGLING.]
- I suppose this is your doing? - What? You think I'd forget what she did after her last stay here? And so, not only did they steal my clothes, but my snakes too! [HISSING.]
Trust me.
Never stay at Hotel Transylvania! Ever! [HISSING.]
How could I forget? It went viral.
And not in a delightful, death-causing way.
- Let me take care of her.
- Ugh, Mavis! We cannot just kill a guest, no matter how much I would like to.
[CHUCKLING.]
No! No, no, no, I mean, literally take care of her.
I know things went bad last time, but I will prove I can win over our most demanding guest! A personal concierge.
That idea is not totally putrid.
But of course, everything must be perfect! Understand? Perfect! [CLUCKING EXCITEDLY.]
- I'll give it 110%! - Which is impossible.
- So then you've already failed.
- [CLUCKS.]
Failed! [CLUCKING.]
[CROWING.]
[YAWNS.]
So, again, why are we cleaning instead of the maids? Come on, you guys! Getting up at the crack of dusk and cleaning - hotel rooms is awesome! - Nope.
- Uh-uh.
- Ugh.
Okay, Medusa's back and I promised Aunt Lydia I'd make sure this is her best stay ever so she doesn't badmouth us on TV again.
Good enough? - Can't say I care.
- No.
- I don't actually work here.
- Ooh! You guys are the best! Okay, last time she was here, Medusa took a ridiculously early breakfast and expected her room spotless when she returned.
So Let's do this! Let's go, let's go, let's go! [ALL YELL.]
MAVIS: Towels! [MUSIC.]
Magic potion dispensers! Linens! [LAUGHING.]
[GRUNTS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Nice work, guys! Now, wheel that dirty stuff down to laundry for neck-breaking speed cleaning.
[CRASHING.]
PEDRO: It's okay! - I landed on Hank's neck! - HANK: Ow! Hey! Medusa's laundry ready yet? See for yourself.
Ooh, that's a nice idea.
We give her a gift set of handkerchiefs.
Or should I say Hank-erchiefs? TM! - Actually, that's her bed sheet.
- Yikes.
I guess neck-breaking speed washing shrunk things a bit.
Let's just keep that detail from Aunt Lydia Ah! - It's, um - A Hank-erchief, TM.
[BLOWING NOSE.]
I don't get it.
So, how is our [GAGGING.]
special guest? - No complaints.
- Really? Impressive.
"Impressive?" She's never said that! I knew it! Middle upper management, here I come! [GASPS.]
Maybe I could become head chauffeur.
Sorry, dude, but you always knew that this promotion was just temporary.
[GROANING.]
[CROWING.]
[CLUCKING.]
[SQUAWKING IN FEAR.]
Hmm.
What?! [SCREAMING.]
[BATS SQUEAKING.]
[ALL GASP.]
Oh, my.
What's it look like? Is it bad? [SQUAWKING.]
It feels really curly.
Is it curly? [ALL GULPING.]
Show me! [GROANING.]
[HUMMING CIRCUS MELODY.]
[BOTH GASP.]
There's like no way I can fix this, Baroness.
It's totally some primordial curse.
But, um, maybe [WHISTLES.]
Oh! My cousin Ronnie found these human styling tools when they fell off a broom.
Yeah, they're, like, super gross.
Human?! Do not even think about it! The only monster I know capable of casting a spell like this is - [GULPING.]
Medusa? - [CHUCKLES.]
That's funny.
Weren't you supposed to be taking care of her and Oh, I see why she's so mad.
AUNT LYDIA: Medusa was the unofficial goddess of bad hair days.
She used to mess with mine all the time.
[LAUGHING.]
And now, clearly, you have set her back to her old ways! No way, this isn't my fault.
I'm the one who went out of her way to be nice to her.
And it's not like I can just wave my hand and change your hair.
- I didn't do it! - I didn't do it! That was awesome! [SCREAMING.]
How did she do that? [HIGH-PITCHED INDISTINC CHATTERING.]
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Totally forgot about him.
- Aunt Lydia? - Fine.
I said, maybe she's mad 'cause you shrunk her down - to the size of an ant! - Ugh.
But seriously, how could she have done this? I mean, I guess you could check the security crystal ball.
Yes, that's true.
I could check the security crystal ball and We have a security crystal ball? TIFFANY: It's the latest in crystal ball technology! Yeah, my sister Mary got it from her boyfriend Dino, who got it when it fell off a ghost ship.
Mmm-hmm.
[POP.]
You can see anything and everything that went on in here.
Oh! And it's also got a calculator.
Sweet.
Let me see.
So, no Medusa, I guess, huh? Do not think because you are a Frankenstein I will not destroy you.
Okay, let's see what else there is! Wait a sec.
Um, Aunt Lydia? [SCREAMING.]
Get it off me! Get it off me! [LAUGHING.]
Yeah! I can't believe I was right! Oh, uh, hey at least you found her.
True.
Now, go get her.
[STAMMERING.]
Me? How? Um, are we sure this is a good idea? You said you wanted to take care of Medusa.
Now, take care of Medusa! Stone-proof shade me.
Okay, let's get tiny.
Ah! [GROANS.]
Oh! [HISSING.]
- Bitey! - MEDUSA: Ah, the niece.
Here to finish off Lydia's dirty work, I presume? Nice try.
Whoa! [GRUNTS.]
I wasn't the one who decided to shrink down and go AWOL - just so I could mess with Lydia! - Mess with Lydia? She's the one who shrunk me! I was sleeping, minding my own business, when all of a sudden, I'm flung into the laundry! It must have been a cursed speed wash because I shrunk way down, and barely managed to hold onto a sheet so I didn't get washed away! Then I saw my chance for revenge! But Medusa, Aunt Lydia had nothing to do with this.
- It was me.
- You? I was trying to take extra special care of you.
I guess I got carried away cleaning your room and must have accidentally thrown you in with the laundry? [LAUGHING NERVOUSLY.]
Simple mistake, right? Oh, well, then! I shouldn't be taking this out on Lydia at all! - Exactly.
- I should be taking it out on you! [YELLS.]
I am in command of all the scalp! My mighty dandruff winds will bury you beneath their flaky grossness! - Uh, what is going on in there? - I'm not a great lip-reader, but I think Medusa said something about - Ooh, I wanna say dandruff? - What?! Uh-oh.
I have never had a flake in my entire life! Now, you know, I heard coconut oil Bleh! Well, that was disgusting.
And it's only going to get worse, baby Drac.
I'm staying till the bitter split end.
[CACKLING.]
Battle lice, ready! Unless [WHISTLING.]
Oh, no! No! Oh, no! Oh, no, you don't! [LAUGHING.]
[RAZOR BUZZING.]
- You wouldn't dare.
- Oh, wouldn't I? [BOTH SHOUTING.]
[WHIMPERING.]
I'll see y'all at your funerals! [YELLING.]
[YELLS.]
Medusa! [ECHOING.]
[ALL SHOUTING.]
I did it! Aunt Lydia! I got Medusa! Everything worked out perfectly after all! [GROANING.]
Okay, maybe not perfectly.
So, Medusa, again, really sorry about shrinking you and all.
Do you think maybe you could leave that - detail out next time you're on TV? - No chance.
As soon as I'm out of here, I'm telling the whole underworld.
Um, when exactly do you think we might get out of here? [MAVIS SIGHING.]
I'm guessing at least not until her hair grows back.
[CLICKING TONGUE.]
Ugh.
[VOCALIZING.]