I Didn't Do It (2014) s01e16 Episode Script

Ahh, I can't believe it.
We damaged an olympic volleyball star.
Look what you did to my toe! It's broken! You know, it's very hard to prove a broken toe.
I've been training my whole life! Now, what am I going to do?! Well, the good news is the Olympics come around every Four years.
Think of all the time you'll have to heal.
Ahhh! Breaking news! Guess who just agreed to appear at the jog-a-thon? Marietta Martinez-mcintosh.
The weekend weather girl? Big woop.
No, big woop's the sports guy.
Wooper's bloopers are my favorite.
Guys, you're missing the point! Marietta Martinez-mcintosh is going to bring so much attention to the plight of the snot otter! Who cares about the snot otter? I had a pimple last week.
No one threw me a party.
Come on, this is the first time the charity club has put me in charge of an event.
Did they give it to you because you deserve it, or were they just being charitable? Either way, I'm in charge, and the snot otter needs our help.
It's an endangered species! See? Everyone sticks up for the cute animals like pandas, but what about the "uggos"? Lindy, no one likes snot otters, including snot otters.
If they did, they'd get married, have babies, and they wouldn't be endangered.
Fine, guess we don't have to worry about you winning the prize for raising the most money.
A prize? The snot thickens You are unbelievable.
Would you ever do anything without an ulterior motive? I don't know.
What's in it for me? The top fundraiser gets two front row tickets to every concert at the Chicago amphitheater for a year.
Save the snot rocket! - Snot otter! - Yeah, that.
Save the snot otter! Yes.
Well, look who got a double-dessert.
They probably just had an extra.
Really? Or is there something more at play? What do you mean? Lindy, you're living inside a bubble of golden-haired privilege.
- See Taylor swift.
- Reese Witherspoon.
Or lady gaga.
Depending on the week.
It's called The blonde bubble.
Oh, hey, thanks.
Blonde bubble.
I'm sorry, I don't have a hall pass.
Or a good excuse.
I fully deserve detention.
Eh, we all make mistakes.
You! With the brown hair, hold it right there! Blonde bubble.
Oh, come on.
Everybody gets presents from Santa.
- Not in July.
- Blonde bubble! Umm Brenda, I ordered a strawberry papaya smoothie, and this has no strawberry.
Or papaya.
And it's not smooth.
Ugh, this one's terrible.
Here you go.
Um, could I get another one? Maybe the one behind you that says "Delia" and "strawberry papaya"? My bad.
Whoa, boy.
All right.
If you find something in the bottom, I'm short a pinky.
The press-on nail, not the whole finger.
That Brenda is terrible.
We should tell the manager.
Um, excuse me? Is everything all right over here? If you started using fingernails as toppings, then, yes, everything is a-ok.
This is the third complaint we've had about Brenda today.
I'll deal with it.
That's why I wear the big boy pants.
True, the snot otter may not be huggable, but you know who is? Me.
Because whenever I get the most jog-a-thon pledges, you and I could be sitting front row at beyoncé and/or the wiggles on ice.
Can I put you down for a pledge? All right.
Thank you.
And thank you.
Ooh, fresh sponsor meat.
There's an expression you don't hear every day.
Oh, hey, you didn't give me any money for the all right, well, I guess these smoothies are on me.
I guess this one's on me, too.
Oh.
Oh, no, it's It was a stinkin' lousy job, and you're a stinkin' lousy boss! Still cool to use you as a reference, right? I need pizza.
Wow, because of you, that woman doesn't have a job.
You heard him.
They had three complaints about her.
And how many times did you complain? Three.
Hey, bro, thanks for your generous pledge.
We are going to have an awesome time at Kelly clarkson, uh Or the international broccoli growers convention.
I hear that one's a real gas.
Whoa.
Pretty good smoothie yesterday, huh? Yeah, I guess.
You're welcome, by the way.
- For? - For the aforementioned smoothie.
It wasn't "aforementioned.
" It was strawberry.
My point is I paid, and usually when someone gives you something, you - Take it? - And then you say? Cheers? - "Thank you!" - You're welcome.
No, you're supposed to thank me and offer to return the favor.
Relax, I'll get you next time.
Just chill.
Ok, I guess you're right.
Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing.
- You can be kind of petty.
- That's not true.
There's the guy who borrowed my pencil.
Hey, pretty good pencil yesterday, huh? I'm starving.
Do me a favor.
Get me a blonde-sized helping of chili.
For the last time, I don't get special treatment because I'm blonde.
I get special treatment because I treat people special.
While being blonde.
If you don't leave me alone about the blonde bubble, I'm just going to shave my head.
Won't matter.
Blonde stubble bubble.
Check it out.
I've got 50 people sponsoring me in the snot-a-thon.
Well, Logan, you might be doing it for all the wrong reasons, but you're raising more money than anyone else.
Frankly, I'm surprised you're willing to run in public considering - Delia! - What? We're seriously going to pretend Logan doesn't run like a baby deer in high heels? We were never going to say anything.
I thought we were never going to say anything about Garrett's weird gasping thing.
What weird gasping thing? What's wrong with the way I run?! Nothing, if you're a baby deer heading out for a night on the town.
Please, I run just like everyone else.
Why didn't you guys ever say anything?! - We did.
- Behind your back.
Because we care about you.
Well, I'm out of the jog-a-thon! No way.
If you don't run, the charity doesn't get the money that you were pledged.
I don't care.
I'm not going to embarrass myself in front of the whole school just to save the booger beaver! - Snot otter.
- Whatever! Oh, no, I'm late for class.
Hey, little baby deer, you dropped your purse! What? We were all thinking it.
Great.
Marietta Martinez-mcintosh just canceled.
What am I going to do? I need a celebrity to be the face of my jog-a-thon.
I thought it was snoddy the snot otter.
Have you seen his face?! You better get somebody.
Plus, my biggest fundraiser and pain-in-the-butt brother is quitting.
You're doomed.
You should just cancel the whole thing.
Let nature take its course.
Let it be extinct.
First you get Brenda fired, then you embarrassed Logan, and now you've upset Lindy.
Let's try a little experiment.
From now on, only say positive things.
That's stupid.
That'll be six dollars and thirty-two cents.
Oh, it's time to pay already? Subtle.
I was already planning on getting yours.
Hey, look at that.
Your punch card is filled.
You get one free! There you go, buddy.
Now, we're even-Steven.
We are neither Steven, nor even.
This doesn't count.
What are you talking about? You got me a smoothie, and I just hit you back.
No, I bought you a smoothie.
You gave me a complimentary smoothie.
Invalid payback attempt.
Ok, would you forget about the smoothie? I gotta find a way to quit the jog-a-thon.
Why don't you just quit the jog-a-thon? I don't want to look like a quitter.
Why don't you just run? I don't want to look like an idiot! All right, I have one really good excuse.
I've been saving it for an emergency, but because you're my friend, I'm going to let you use it.
What do you got? A broken toe.
I don't get it.
Think about it.
It's completely undetectable.
You can't put a cast on it.
There's no way to prove or disprove it.
And no one would expect you to run on it.
Huh! That's genius! That is why you and I are best friends.
We're always on the same page.
Go ahead.
Break one.
If you can, spare the little piggy who had cream cheese.
He's my favorite.
Dude, keep it in your sock.
If you can't tell if it's broken, there's no reason to actually break it.
Oh, I am liking this plan more and more.
I owe you.
How about a smoothie? And which little piggy had cream cheese? Brenda who used to work at rumblejuice but now works at the cafeteria where I go to school! What a coincidence? Yeah, weirdest thing.
Someone knocked on my door, and when I opened it, there was an application for this job already filled out for me.
What a positive thing for someone to do! I just figured my mom filled it out and left it for me.
She's a real stickler for "you gotta pay your own way after you turn 40.
" Well, looks like it all worked out.
You get to wear that stylish smock, that cool hairnet.
Dare I say? Dream job! Eh, the smock's ok, but you won't catch me wearing that hairnet.
I think it's the law.
And ruin my Brazilian blowout?! What are you thinking? I'm thinking the Brazilians blew out a little too much.
Dude, what happened? I have a broken toe.
Remember? So much pain! Yeah, very convincing.
Where'd you get the crutches? Found them outside a bathroom stall.
Nobody was using them.
I'm so sorry, Lindy.
As much as I'd like to follow through on my jog-a-thon commitment Broken toe.
You know, no one in their right mind is going to believe that toe is actually broken.
Hey, heard about the toe, Logan.
We're all pulling for you, champ.
You should really get yourself a set of these.
Brenda! What are you doing?! Taking a break.
But the lunch rush is your busiest time of the day! What am I saying? It's your only time of the day! You're going to get fired! Pfft, the only way that's gonna happen is if someone complains about me.
You know that's how I got fired from rumblejuice.
Who does that? Probably some deeply remorseful blabbermouth who would hate to see you blow another job.
Hey, I've been thinking about the smoothie I owe you and how close we are and how much that means to you.
Yeah, where is this going? Nowhere.
I've just been thinking about it.
Hey, what if I buy you lunch? Does that count? Well, school lunch is three-seventy-five, and a regular smoothie is three-seventy-nine.
But I'm not a stickler, so you can give me the four cents anytime between now and Friday.
Does it count or not? Yeah, that would count.
That would definitely count.
I got both of these.
Aw, poor thing.
Look at you on those crutches.
Tell you what, lunch is on the house.
Thank you.
That doesn't count.
It doesn't count! That doesn't count! - Milk or juice? - Delia? What are you doing back there? And why are you wearing a hairnet? I'm covering for Brenda, so she doesn't get fired again.
She is the absolute worst lunch lady in history.
Look at you, doing something positive.
Yeah, whatever.
I'm also positive you should skip the egg salad.
Brenda made it, and she never washes her hands! Unless she washes them in egg salad.
Wait, Brenda doesn't wash her hands? Thanks for the tip-off.
She was on thin ice, and now she is out of here.
Fired? You did it again.
What's with you? I can't talk now.
It's my busiest time of day.
Hey, Mr.
Clark, that big math test still on for today? As long as I'm breathin', I'm givin' that test.
May I recommend the egg salad? I've got great news! I solved your celebrity problem.
My dad is mckayla Barnes' dentist! The olympic gold medalist?! Yes.
Not only is she a star volleyball player, she's super famous, and she's going to be in my dad's office this afternoon.
She's got an incredibly painful abscess! That's great! I know! It needs to be anesthetized and lanced! Even better! She's gonna be in your dad's chair for hours! All we have to do is sneak in, turn up the gas a little, and before she realizes it, she'll be doing photo ops with your snot otter.
Or maybe I could just go to your dad's office and ask her.
Your call.
Either way, you're going to blonde it up, right? - Excuse me? - You know, when you see her, this is when you can really take advantage of your blonde bubble.
Jas, there is no blonde bubble! And even if there was, I want to convince mckayla to help by using what's in here, - not what's on here.
- All right, fine.
But if your boring, ethical way doesn't pay off, the knob on the gas tank is lefty-loosey, Lindy.
Lefty-loosey.
Hi, Ms.
Barnes.
Just a few questions before we start your procedure.
- Are you allergic to latex? - No.
- Are you in a lot of pain? - Yes.
On a pain scale of one to ten, how do you feel about the snot otter? It's perhaps the ugliest thing I've ever seen.
You're not a dental hygienist, are you? No, I'm sorry.
I'm in charge of a charity event at my school to save the snot otter.
So you have no medical training whatsoever? Um I once took a puppy cpr class.
Does that count? It's just, you'd be perfect to say a few words at our jog-a-thon tomorrow! I have an olympic qualifying match coming up, and I have to practice all day.
I wish I could help, I just can't.
Lefty-loosey, Lindy.
Lefty-loosey.
Please? You'd hardly have to do anything.
The speech is already written.
You just show up and wave to your admiring fans.
Look, I'm sorry.
You seem really nice, and I'm sure you've resuscitated a lot of puppies, but there's just no way.
Well, if you can't do it, I understand.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Uh, why were you wearing a wig? It's a long story.
My friends have some crazy theory that people with you know what? I'm a gold medalist.
How much practice do I need? Let's do it.
- Really? - Yes.
- Let's save the snot otter! - Thank you! Wait, did you change your mind because Oh, who cares? All that matters is mckayla Barnes is the face of my jog-a-thon! And what a beautiful face that is! Owww! The doctor will be right in.
Welcome to ditka high's first annual save the snot otter jog-a-thon! We have a very special guest snoddy the snot otter! Also, olympic volleyball star, mckayla Barnes! It means so much that you all made generous pledges and showed up to run with one exception.
So get in those last few stretches because the jog-a-thon is about to begin! Thanks for the shout-out.
Touched me.
Why did you even bother to show up if you're not gonna run? Are you kidding, mckayla Barnes is here? I want to convince her to add me to the olympic beach volleyball team as the official sunscreen applier.
All right, Brenda, I pulled a lot of strings to get you this job.
You just have to take the money and hand people their drinks.
Doesn't sound very challenging.
Which is why it's the perfect job for you.
I think we're both going to feel better when you finally pay your smoothie debt.
You know what? Here's some money.
Just get it yourself.
Oh, no, no, no.
You need to wait in line, purchase it, and then hand it to me, just like I did for you.
You don't have a lot of other friends, do you, Garrett? You know I don't.
One for them And one for me.
Did you just pocket that money?! No.
I bra'd it.
I'll take two.
One for them, and one for me.
All right, Brenda, listen up.
Do I still have to be positive? We are way past that.
You are completely unqualified for any type of work, and I'm glad I got you fired from rumblejuice.
You got me fired from rumblejuice?! I bet you got me fired from the cafeteria, too! But, to be fair, she did get you that job.
Now I wish I hadn't.
And so does anyone who had your egg salad! I hate to interrupt, but can you just finish my friend's transaction? You got me that job? Great.
I was nice to my mother all week for nothing.
Sure, people think the snot otter's weird-looking because it's got a freaky way of moving Freaky way of moving? Hey, I have a freaky way of moving.
Without the snot otter, many other creatures would cease to exist.
It has a higher purpose.
Maybe I should have a higher purpose.
The snot otter doesn't give up, and neither should we.
Could it be possible that me giving up was not the right thing to do? Now, who's ready to get their jog on so we can save the snot otter? And I'll tell you something else.
You're not gonna get me fired from this job.
'Cause I quit! Oww, my toe! Snoddy! Somebody do something! I'll save you, my freaky moving brother from an otter mother! High-five! Let's go! Whoo! I can't believe he did all that with a broken toe! - It was never really broken! - That is very hard to prove! You know how he gets away with these things? The blonde bubble! Gotta say, that was some dig you made on the snot otter.
And the idea of running the race like a snot otter would Actually, that's the way he always runs in charities.
I try to mimic whatever animal I'm saving.
- Oh.
Anyway, it was impressive.
- Thanks, Ms.
Barnes.
It's mckayla.
After all, we are going to beyoncé on ice.
Who knew she could skate? Is there anything she can't do? - We'll find out tonight.
- Yeah.
If my new limo driver ever gets here.
Hey, you want to get going already? I didn't put any money in the meter.
Plus, I gotta pick up my mom's itch ointment.
Ugh.
Strawberry-banana and kiwi-lime.
Thanks, man.
Get you next time.
Next time?