Kath & Kim (2008) s01e16 Episode Script

Oh, that is the exact spot, PhiI.
(BOTH GROANING) Let me reaIIy get in there.
(GROANING) Oh, PhiI.
Oh, I puIIed that muscIe.
(GROANING) Why do you guys have to be so gross aII the time? Craig is bringing my breakfast over and it's aIready pretty much rooned.
Good morning, peeps.
KATH: Good morning, Craig.
Good morning, Craig.
Okay.
I hope you enjoy them, Kim.
I got rear-ended by a stupid ambuIance in the drive-through.
(GROANS) My cinnamon stickies are wet! God! Now my breakfast is doubIe-rooned.
Why'd you have to put them in the same bag with my hot chocoIata? I don't know.
'Cause of the environment? Oh, you care more about that stupid environment than you do my breakfast.
Dude, I'm never going to be abIe to make you and gIobaI warming happy.
Wait.
Are you guys seeing Cher? Yeah.
I'm throwing my mom a huge bacheIorette party.
Mom, Cher is asking me for a credit card.
Now, Kim.
Far be it for me to stick my nose in where it doesn't beIong, but do you reaIIy think that Kath shouId be paying for her own bacheIorette party? (EXCLAIMS) You're right.
WaIked right into that one.
(LAUGHS) Okay, sugar.
Why don't you do some magic on my hammies? (GROANS) Uh, P? I'm totaIIy not Iooking, but on my way to Iook at something eIse PHIL: Mmm-hmm.
I may have just seen something non-cooI.
Oh! Sorry.
You're waIking down the street And a man tries to get your business 'Cause you're fiIthy Ooh, and gorgeous Love it.
Oh, girIs! WouId you Iook at this? Look what I did! I spray-tanned the wrong arm! What am I going to do? I am just Isaac MizrabIe about this.
Mmm, you're screwed.
(KATH SIGHS) Mmm.
Oh, weII done, Kim! You know, those teachers were wrong about you.
FeebIe-minded, my ''A.
'' Thank you, Kim.
So, I've decided, I'm definiteIy getting rid of my roommate.
Why? Did she have sex with someone in your bed again? Worse.
She borrowed my mohair sweater and totaIIy stank it up.
And you can't get BO out of mohair.
(DOOR BELL RINGING) Ew! So, what are you going to do? Donate it.
Poor peopIe don't care about BO.
GirIs! Athena's here.
(ATHENA CHUCKLING) This is Athena, PhiI's and mine's spirituaI advisorIIife coach.
Athena, this is my Kim.
Tina.
Athena.
Kim, Athena.
Tina, Athena.
Athena, Tina.
Hey.
Kim.
That's it.
(CRYING) (SIGHS) Okay.
Yeah.
So, I've onIy been to one bacheIorette party.
It was for my Jewish friend, Metukah.
We had a group mikvah, which is a spirituaI bath, in the presence of four rabbis.
Yeah, we're not doing that.
But we are going to see Cher Iive in concert.
Wow! WeII, based on his name, I'm aIready a fan.
Oh, Athena, you are a hoot.
WeII, Iadies, what say we have a toast? Huh? (KATH EXCLAIMS) To begin our journey.
(ALL EXCLAIMING) This is fun.
Bottoms up, gaIs.
Mmm.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Ew! That shot was not fruity at aII! Mmm.
It was tea.
We'II have pIenty of time to get funky Iater.
Tonight is about bonding.
Right? Yes.
So why don't we take hands and each share This is neat.
a personaI truth about ourseIves.
Okay, I'II start.
I'm menstruating.
(CAR HORN HONKING) Oh! The Iimo's here! To be continued.
Let's go! Go! Let's go! Man, it was cooI for PhiI to invite me to his bacheIor party.
WeII, yeah, man.
Dude Iikes you.
(DOOR BELL RINGING) WeII, first, you know, I Iove PhiI so, you know, but I mean, no disrespect, but you ever think, Iike, PhiI is not the traditionaI dude, you know, per se? I mean, Iike that right there.
No No.
No.
No way.
Not P.
FeIIas! You made it.
Hey! WeIcome and bienvenue to chez Knight.
CouId you take your shoes off first? I have a diIIy of a time getting dirt out of some of these rugs.
HonestIy, Derrick, I spend more time on my knees.
Okay, I hope neither of you guys are aIIergic to orchids.
Come on in.
Guys, I want you to meet my friends, Craig and Derrick.
Over here in the window-pane bIue Oxford is CarI Fish.
My friend from down the haIIIpackage receiver when I'm not around.
This guy here is Dave BeII.
ProbabIy my favorite cooking partner.
Sorry, guys.
And in the middIe, this is my friend Mike Offsay.
My gym buddy! What up? Hey! Nice to meet you.
AII right.
So, what did I miss? Oh, PhiI.
And feIIas, feeI free to chime in.
This one here doesn't know that ceIadon is yeIIow-based.
That's because you're wrong, Mike.
It's green as key Iime pie.
Ooh, here we go again.
Oh, boy! Is this off the hook or what? (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO) ShouId we give Kath our gifts? Mmm-hmm.
Yes.
You got me gifts? Yes.
Oh, reaIIy, Iadies, you shouIdn't have.
I'm Iying.
I actuaIIy did want something.
(ALL GIGGLING) (KATH EXCLAIMS) It's sunshine, Iight and Iove.
What a unique gift! Dropped a IittIe sunshine there.
Oh, whoops.
There you go.
I need that.
Yes, you do.
I'II put it in my pocketbook.
(EXCLAIMS) My turn.
Mine's better.
Tina.
Yeah.
Ooh, taIk about a bareIy there derrière.
They're gentIy used.
I was kind of in a rush, so That's very thoughtfuI.
WeII, I kind of, Iike, made this whoIe party.
So, that's a Iot.
And, oh, you owe me money.
But aIso I do have an extra-speciaI surprise.
TeII me.
I decided I'm moving in with Tina so you and PhiI can have the house to yourseIf.
You are? You are? Right? Oh, my God, Kim, we are going to have the best time.
I'm taking your room.
I know.
I am just absoIuteIy over the moon.
Just over the moon! Thank you, Kim.
What a top-notch bacheIorette party this is turning out to be.
(RUMBLING) That was me.
I'm getting stomach cramps.
I don't know why.
AII I had today was six Diet Cokes, two MarshmaIIow Peeps, some ephedrine, and some steamed broccoIi with garIic before I came.
(RUMBLING) It's weird.
I'm not feeIing so good either.
And I keep tasting that tea and, Iike, a IittIe metaI.
What was in it? You know, I do not know.
I bought 30 pounds of it from a very kindIy barefoot gentIeman in IstanbuI Iast summer right before we made Iove for 10 hours straight.
I drink it every day.
WeII, I feeI fine.
Say, who invited the raccoon? KIM: That's not a raccoon.
It's a tiny hippo.
(EXCLAIMS) TickIe, tickIe, tiny hippo.
(LAUGHS) Ow! Bit me.
GarIic, cumin (SNIFFS) Pureed ginger.
NaiIed it.
The master.
AII right, my turn.
Okay.
Uh-oh.
Open up.
This Iooks tricky.
You ever pIay ''Name that Ingredient'' at a bacheIor party, man? WeII, no, but they're Iike oId men.
It's what they Yeah, but he fed him.
Tarragon, you mysterious bitch.
Hey, P, what's up, man? Can we taIk to you for a second, bro? Sure.
Why not? Great.
Excuse me, guys.
Uh-huh.
What do you think of the guys, huh? Aren't they a hoot and a haIf? Huh? They're hiIarious.
Mmm.
Derrick thinks you're gay.
Don't just teII him Iike that, man.
(WHISPERING) Where did you get an idea Iike that? I don't know, PhiI.
Maybe it's, Iike, aII of the stuff around your crib that's shaped just Iike a wiener? WeII, aII I see is magnificent hand-bIown gIass from a struggIing young artist in San Francisco's famed TenderIoin district.
I just think this bacheIor party is a IittIe too Iaid back, man.
Oh, come on, feIIas.
We're reaIIy just getting warmed up.
When we get into the BeaujoIais Nouveau, it is aII bets are off.
And that's aII night Iong untiI 10:00! What? What the heII does a Beaujo What? (SIGHS) It's Iike a gay wine.
If I couId, can I pIease donate some, you know, Iove to your bacheIor party and, Iike, spice it up a IittIe bit? You know? Sure, Derrick.
I'd be honored.
AII right, teII me again.
Who is the bacheIor boy? Uh, okay.
It's moi.
(ALL LAUGHING) Now, this is a bacheIor party, huh? Mmm.
We got brews and we got jumping boobies.
Word.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC STOPS) Whoa.
HoId up.
Is something wrong? Uh, yes, there's something wrong.
You're about to take off aII your cIothes.
We don't know anything about you.
WeII, what do you want to know? Uh, weII, gee, your name wouId be nice.
AshIey.
WeII, how do you do, AshIey? It's a pIeasure to meet you.
My name's PhiI Knight.
This is my friend Mike Offsay.
Hi.
Next to me, CarI Fish, oId friend.
CARL: PIeasure.
PHIL: Next to him, Dave BeII.
Hi.
Hi.
And this is my friend, Craig Baker.
(WHISPERING) Craig, stand up.
Hi, Craig.
Hi.
Next to him, Derrick Nixon.
(PHIL WHISPERING) Derrick, stand? It's a stripper.
She's not a stripper.
She's a guest in this house.
Hey.
WeII, so nice to have you here.
(BOTH EXCLAIMING) How's my hair? Cute! I have my mother's mother's mother's mother's hands.
They are beautifuI.
Hmm.
And wise.
Kim, I want you to have my hands.
I have so many aIready.
Thank you.
GirIs? The raccoon just gave me tonight's winning Iottery numbers.
Oh, how thoughtfuI.
Isn't that sweet? Oh, Iook! And there's a 7-EIeven! Driver? Driver? Can you puII over? Cute.
Cute, right? (SIGHING) I Iike it.
Ooh, I Iike that.
I know.
It goes with your eyes.
Excuse me.
I'd Iike 20 Quick Picks tickets, pIease.
20 Quick Picks.
I got to give Iaw schooI another shot.
I guess we're the first ones here! (ALL GASPING) Hey, maybe we can sneak backstage before the show starts! Oh, yeah! Totes! Let's go! (KATH EXCLAIMING) (SHUSHING) I'm excited! Hey! You guys missed the concert.
What? How? WeII, you guys were in the pet store for a few hours.
That might be a reason.
Pet store? What pet store? Why didn't you come get us? 'Cause I was dipping into my past as a piIgrim eating griIIed cheese, pIaying with a Hacky Sack.
No, we did some good work.
When did you get here? You're hot.
Do you want to make out a IittIe? I can come up there and we can I can stiII see you.
Oh, my God! My mom is going to freak out! What are we going to do? I don't know, Kim.
What are we going to do? (CAR DOOR OPENING) What a show! Cher was on fire, everybody! And Sonny was there.
They sang I Got You Babe.
They're going to get back together! Hey, I have an idea! Let's go to Maneaters! Who wants to dance? (ALL CHEERING) I want to dance! I want to dance! Maneater.
No.
So, I guess you couId say I'm cIoser with my oIder sister.
Right.
That wouId make sense.
ASHLEY: But mostIy because my younger sister is married to a reaI jerk.
FamiIy dynamics can be so compIicated.
That's why it's just me and my cats.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Does anybody have the time? Oh.
Oh! Oh! Oh, my God.
You guys, I am so bummed! I have to go.
Pooh, AshIey.
I'm supposed to be at the County RepubIican Banquet aII the way across town.
(ALL SIGHING) Like, now.
Here is your boom box.
Thank you.
Here we go.
This is what's Ieft of the tart.
You just put it in the microwave for two minutes.
ASHLEY: AbsoIuteIy! PHIL: Thanks for coming.
Mmm.
Thank you.
You're the best.
I wiII.
AII right.
Drive safe.
You, too, Ash.
Take surface streets.
It's going to be a IittIe faster.
Thanks a Iot.
Bye, Ash! Bye! (DOOR CLOSING) FeIIas, I'm so sorry I ruined this evening's entertainment.
It's not over yet.
Guess what's in the cIoset? A whoIe bunch of board games! Let's have a big BoggIe tournament! Come on! Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah! No.
No, I'm sorry.
No BoggIe.
We are going to a strip cIub, right now.
You just gave a stripper a tart.
We are going to a strip cIub.
That is the best idea that I've heard aII day.
Derrick, hoId on.
What? We have a whoIe party going on here Oh, PhiI.
Go ahead.
Have a good time.
The three of us wiII stay here and man the truffIe mashed potatoes.
ReaIIy, CarI? Oh, Iive it up.
Hey, sounds good to me.
We get more naked senoritas for these Ioco hombres.
(LAUGHING) Okay, I'm ready to go.
I just need to get my bag.
DERRICK: Your what? Can you guys vacuum? (CLUB MUSIC PLAYING) Great show tonight, Cher.
Oh, thanks, baby.
Oh Hey! Do you want to make out in my Iimo? Tina, stop! You're a beautifuI, smart, speciaI gaI.
You do not need to give away your body to empower yourseIf.
Huh? Oh, pIease.
AII that business with the Iimo driver? Baring your bosoms to random passersby? It aII comes from here.
Wow! You're, Iike, reaIIy smart.
Even though you don't wear makeup.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) Tremendous! Boy, I'm finding Bambi's cans to be quite deIightfuI.
What do you guys think? Baum chicka baum baum? Hey, man.
You watch your mouth.
That's somebody's baby girI up there you're taIking about.
What the heII did I just say? Yeah, I'm feeIing it, too.
We can't get into it, P.
Ever since you made us find out about AshIey, and made, Iike, strippers reaI.
Hey, I'm ready to go.
I feeI dirty, guiIty, and hungry.
Yeah, me, too, dude.
TruffIe mashed potatoes sound pretty awesome right now, right? Mmm-hmm.
I want to go Iook at myseIf in the bathroom mirror again.
No, no, no.
Stay.
No, Mom.
Let me go.
I don't want you to go.
I'II be right back.
No, don't go, Kim.
No, don't go.
I don't want you to move out.
Kim! ShaII we just retire back to my crib? Yes.
HoId on one second.
Oh, darn it.
I missed a caII.
Do you guys mind? One second.
Hi.
CRAIG: Hey.
SILVER: Not in the mood, huh? Bye, SiIver.
Who was it, P? It was, uh, Kath.
She says she doesn't want to marry me.
ELIZABETH: Hi, PhiI.
Oh, I'm sorry, EIizabeth.
CouId you give me just a moment, pIease? ELIZABETH: Okay.
The first three, okay, they weren't meant to be.
But, not my Kath! I just can't beIieve this is happening! Four times, huh? That's got to be some kind of record.
Yeah, you shouId reaIIy Iook into that, P.
You couId get, Iike, on TV or something, man.
No.
No, no, no.
I may have stood by Iike a chump whiIe the other ones waIked away with my heart, but not this time.
If Kath wants to caII this off, she's going to have to do it to my face, and I'm going to make darn sure she knows what she's waIking away from! Come on, feIIas! You think P wiII stop at Chick-fiI-A so we can get some chicken strips or something, man? I don't know, dude.
He is fired up right now, man.
Hey, Aurora.
AURORA: Yeah? Good Iuck on that LSAT.
Oh, thanks, Craig.
Study hard.
Then she said that I didn't have to give away my body to feeI good about myseIf.
Your hair is making me mad.
Do something.
Where's my mom? I want to go home.
I'm ti-ti.
What are you guys doing here? Where's your mother? I don't know.
We just aII drank this weird tea and now we're just finding each other.
You guys, Iook.
Mom? Mom? KathIeen! PhiI? Athena? Athena, you are so hot.
What is going on? What are you doing here? Where am I? KathIeen, I've scoured every cIub from here to Timbuktu Iooking for you.
Oh, PhiI.
Did you miss me? Like a fox.
I got your message.
What message? The one in which you caIIed off our wedding! I did? And you said you didn't want Kim moving out.
I don't? Yes, you don't.
You said if that means we can't get married, weII, then, so be it.
And then you said something about how you Iiked the feeI of cooI cement against your cheek.
That's very strange.
WeII, Iet me teII you something, Kath.
And I want you to hear this Ioud and cIear, I am no stranger to being Ieft at the aItar.
But this time, I'm not a 400-pound crying mess, trying desperateIy to overdose on over-the-counter headache medicine.
Oh, no! This time I got it going on! I own a very fancy designer-sandwich shop, I'm physicaIIy fit, I've just started a very good new book, and I've got my various men's cIubs.
So put that in your pipe and smoke it! PhiI, are you teIIing me that you are caIIing the wedding off? No, you caIIed the wedding off.
I'm here to doubIy caII it off! Fine.
Then I I tripIe caII it off.
AII right, how about this, I'm caIIing it back on, just so I can caII it off again! (PHIL EXCLAIMS) I'm going to caII it back on Stop! PhiI, my mom onIy Ieft that message because she was high and her subconscious got scared of me Ieaving because it's inbrained in my mom to aIways take care of me 'cause I'm her prize and joy.
Is that true? I don't know.
I don't know anything anymore.
I feeI very confused by aII of this.
Mom, you know you Iove PhiI.
And he Ioves you even more.
Every time he sees you, his face gets aII happy and queer.
Even when you wake up in the morning, and you're aII red, and your hair is Iike a rat's nest.
God, you're beautifuI in the morning.
So are you, PhiI.
See? Like now, you're getting aII googIey with each other.
So why don't you just grow up and stop sabotaging everything? You know, Kim.
I've never seen you be so supportive of my and PhiI's reIationship before.
That reaIIy means a Iot to me.
I guess I'm nice after I trip.
Hey, whiIe you're being so nice, um I wouId totaIIy make out with you right now, but I just got seIf-esteem.
You just give me a hoIIer when you Iose it again, okay? Hi.
Butterbean? What do you say? WiII you marry me? Oh, PhiI.
I wiII.
I do! I Iove you, PhiI! Oh! (MOANING) (I GO T YOU BABE PLAYING) Oh, Kath.
Oh I said, ''Sure, adding panini to the menu sounds Iike a good idea, ''but it's a fooI's paradise.
Because with it, ''comes aII the headaches of a pressed sandwich.
'' And you know what he said? What? He said, ''I'II take a turkey on rye with mustard.
'' Ooh! In his face.
(DOOR OPENING) What the bedazzIe? Mom? (KIM GASPS) Oh, you made bacon? What are you going here, Kim? Why aren't you at Tina's? Oh, she's a totaI sIob.
She has no idea how to cook or do my Iaundry, or tickIe my arm.
So, I'm back.
Thanksies.
Mmm.