Kiff (2021) s01e16 Episode Script

Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff, Kiff ♪
Kiff ♪
[giggles]
[both laugh]
[announcer] Brought to you
by the Wall of Goat.
We have spoken.
[wind gusting]
Wow, Kiff. Your fingies are so fancy.
Oh, these old things?
Just added a bit of glitter.
-Whoa!
-It's nothing.
Kiff's right. Her fingies
are absolutely nothing.
On the other hand,
I had my daddy's designers
stylize my fingies.
-And on the other other hand
-[all gasp]
I have four more fingies than Kiff.
[rubber squelching]
Not only do I have all these fingies,
but I have 40 rare collectible fingies
in my deluxe fingie sack.
One for each finger and toe.
Those numbers don't add up.
Hey, guys, my fingies are just
as good as Kiff's and Reggie's.
See?
[all] Fingie fight! Fingie fight!
There.
[grunts] Hmm?
Fingie fight! Fingie fight!
No!
Oh, no. Not another collecting craze.
-[all gasp]
-You can't do this.
Fingies are our babies.
No, no, no, no, I've heard that before.
You said the same thing about dabbles.
What are dabbles?
What? Are you serious?
Last week, you were all
obsessed with dabbles.
And before that, it was bonkos.
Dabbles, major knarcks,
snofters, pandanimals,
scruddies, grunches, plomps, bullfumes,
slim daddios, gingi pots, and bricks.
Now you're just making random noises.
Anyway, we can't live without fingies!
[all] Fingies are our babies!
Fingies are our babies!
[sighs] I guess you're gonna
to have to throw these out too.
No, I'm only throwing away fingies.
You can keep whatever those are.
Or put them back in the trash
where you found them.
As for the rest of you,
fingies are banned.
As I was saying, today is Family Tree Day.
As we draw our family trees,
remember that each branch represents
a different family member.
Any questions? Yes, Kiff?
Can I have an extra branch
for the "grandma" section?
I have two grandmas, plus a bonus grandma.
I help the old lady across
the street clean her gutters.
She gives me hard candy as a reward.
[all gasp and exclaim]
-Whoa!
-Yes!
Um, I'm actually a child of divorce,
so I have four grandmas.
Wow. Four grandmas.
Isn't that cute.
I have two moms who both have two moms
who are both divorced,
so I have eight grandmas.
[all cheer]
And one of my grandmas
is in a knitting club
with five other old ladies.
That's 13 grandmas.
You can't just claim
any old lady willy-nilly.
I bet you wouldn't like it if I started
calling Miss Deer Teacher grandma.
I'm 33.
I'm just saying,
it should be against the rules.
Hello, all.
Just checking in to make sure
that there are no new crazes a-brewin'.
-Nope.
-And you're all coping fine
after the recent loss of your fingies?
What are fingies?
It looks like I've successfully
nipped this in the bud.
Thank you all for coming.
Before we get to the ground rules,
I'd like to thank Trevor
for letting us borrow
his photo album
of every grandma in Table Town.
And no, he will not explain
why or how he has these.
Moving on.
The rules to Gram Grabs are simple.
No doubles, no Tuft Pierre grandmas,
no great-aunts, and once
you've been given a hard candy,
that grandma has been grabbed.
-Everyone got it?
-May the best granddaughter win.
Don't worry. She will.
-Wait.
-Go!
[annoucer] Knitting gram, grabbed!
Huh? Ah
Oh, good job! Good job!
[announcer]
Clean your plate gram, grabbed!
and then I went all the way
down to the cemetery,
and the grave was already empty.
Oh!
[announcer] Shady past gram, grabbed!
This has been so fun, girl.
You're the coolest.
[announcer]
Incredibly young gram, grabbed!
And don't even get me started
on grandkids who never call.
[overlapped chatter]
[muttering]
And the winner is
-Kiff.
-Yes!
Why?
And also Reggie. It's a tie.
[angry chatter]
Barry, you and I
are basically family, right?
Of course.
We win! Barry and I are family,
which means I have claim to his grandmas.
That's completely unfair, Kiff.
Wait, does that mean the rest of us
can combine our grandmas, too?
That's completely fair, Kiff.
-You can't do that!
-Yes, we can.
Me and Richie are just as close
as you and Barry.
-[gasps]
-How dare you!
Our friendship fuels the passion of poets!
Well, I'm feeling pretty close
to Reggie right now too.
I think of him as a brother.
And I rarely think of Trevor,
but I'll happily take his grannies.
A tie? Again?
[overlapped shouting]
This is getting us nowhere.
What we need is a rational third party
to decide this tiebreaker.
You don't mean--
The Greek oracle-slash-psychic hive mind
known as the Wall of Goat?
Yeah. I do.
[Wall of Goat] Welcome, children.
We will now sing a song
explaining what we do.
That's okay.
But don't you want to hear our song?
[Reggie] You're a psychic hive mind
that helps people with problems.
Pretty easy concept
to wrap your head around.
Perhaps there is someone
in your party who does not know?
Everyone here knows, sir.
Sirs.
Just skip to the advice, please.
Oh, we rehearse the song every
night before we go beddie-byes.
It would be really nice to sing.
Okay. You can.
Clippity clop, clippity clop
Clippity clop ♪
Clippity, clippity
Clippity clop ♪
Clippity clop
Clippity clop ♪
Clippity, clippity
Clippity clop ♪
We are Goat
The Wall of Goat ♪
The oracle known
As the Wall of Goat ♪
If a question's living
Inside your throat ♪
Bring it forth
To the Wall of Goat ♪
Clippity clop
Clippity clop ♪
Clippity, clippity
Clippity clop ♪
Clippity clop
Clippity clop ♪
Clippity, clippity
Clippity ♪
We clip and we clop ♪
Upon this rock ♪
Are you listening?
We can tell you're not ♪
We've been here
Since the dawn of time ♪
And look at us
We're still in our prime ♪
Clippity clop
Clippity clop ♪
We are goat and you are not
Clippity clop ♪
Clippity clop
We are goat and you are not ♪
Now, what is your conflict?
Well, it started this morning
[Reggie] I have two moms
who both have two moms
you see, once you've been
given a hard candy,
that Gram is grabbed
and now we need someone
to decide this tiebreaker.
The only way to break the tie
is to collect the rarest grandma of all:
-Lady Lorraine.
-[all gasp]
[announcer] Lady Lorraine
The grandma who hates children.
You must journey to the outskorts of town.
Whoever grabs this gram
will be crowned the winner.
[Barry] Don't you mean the outskirts?
We have spoken.
[all panting]
[pounding on door]
[Lorraine] Who's there?
Oh. Children.
Yes, but adorable children.
Well, most of us, at least.
We're all adorable children
who want to wait on you
hand and foot.
-We'll trim your lawn.
-We'll shovel your driveway.
Just one piece of hard candy!
[Lorraine] Nobody's home,
except for me and my slingshot.
Ugh. Team meeting.
Lady Lorraine really hates kids.
But how does she feel
about other grandmas?
[woman, on phone] Hello?
Could I interest you
and your finely aged friends
in an Outskorts early bird special?
[bus horn blares]
-[all coughing]
-Early bird special?
-Come on, girls!
-What the--?
Welcome, ladies.
[Lorraine] Oh!
Oh, I do hate kids,
but this is looking like
a pretty nice garden party.
Hey, Gladys.
Lorraine!
No, wait!
I love garden parties.
Here, have a candy.
We We won Gram Grabs!
[announcer] Children hating Gram, grabbed!
[excited cheering]
No!
Gram Grabs?
You know, we were collecting you
for a game.
[gasps]
[indistinct chatter]
I knew it.
This is exactly why I hate kids!
[all screaming]
-Kiff?
-[gasps]
[Kiff] Clean Gutters Gram.
I mean, uh, Miss Rogers.
Were you only cleaning
my gutters for a game?
-[explosion]
-I thought you liked
spending time with me.
Of course, we do.
You guys are our our
Um, we were treating these ladies
like disposable objects.
[explosion]
Maybe we don't deserve
Lady Lorraine's candy.
[sighs]
Can I borrow a hankie?
[all gasp]
Is that what I think it is?
Straight from Sneezy Grandma's purse.
Does that mean we win?
No, Reggie. No one wins. Look at us.
All these grandmas want is
a little kindness and company.
Except for Lorraine, who is a monster.
[grunts]
We used them for a game.
We owe all these grandmas,
except Lorraine, our respect.
And an apology. Except Lorraine.
[all] We're sorry, Grandmas.
-[all scream]
-[Lorraine] What?
You've never seen someone
throw a mannequin before?
-[tires squeal]
-Go on! Get out! Get out!
Come on, Ralph, let's go home.
[laughs]
So, how'd you do on kid bingo?
Not bad.
Not bad at all.
[announcer] Table Town's greatest yogurt
takes the choice out of toppings!
TTGY. We decide your fate.
No gummy toppings, please.
We'll see.
There they are, Barry. Right on time.
Eating their froyo.
It's like they're mocking me.
Yeah. Dumb cardboard people,
think they're better than us.
No, Barry. Them.
The Babysitter's Society.
You can't get a babysitting gig anywhere
without their connections.
Today's my day, Barry.
I'm getting in.
Here's your order.
Ahem. Kiff Chatterley here.
I would like to join
the Babysitter's Society,
and let me tell you why.
Number one--
Let me stop you right there.
The only thing we care about
is experience.
You ever see any real action?
As an official babysitter?
No. But that's because
I can't get any jobs
without being in your society.
Them's the rules.
Don't be sad, Kiff.
They're just snooty teenagers.
Oh, shoot, I told Harry and Terri
I'd be home by now.
They're in charge of me
and Kristophe today
because my mom's
at an astronomy convention.
Harry and Terri are babysitting today?
And then I said, "Them's the rules."
[all laugh]
[grunts]
I'm gonna get my experience today
by shadowing Harry and Terri Buns
while they babysit.
Terri? Terri "Two Bowls"?
Love her videos.
If you shadow her and get good experience,
I suppose we could let you
into our society.
Oh, I'll get good experience, all right.
We're talking Harry and Terri here.
Those two have a ton of wisdom to impart.
Sorry, what are you doing now?
Hmm? You say something?
Oh, horoscopes.
You're just gonna sit there
reading magazines?
-What about Kristophe?
-What? We gave him one.
I'm appalled!
This flies in the face of everything
I've studied about pro-babysitting.
Osborne's Guide clearly states
that a child not watched closely
exposes them to over 781
dangerous scenarios.
Look. Electrical wire. Pyramid schemes.
[gasps] Magazine paper cuts!
Ugh. Fine. How about you be in charge
of making sure none of that
happens to Kristophe,
since you seem to know so much.
Me, be in charge?
Of babysitting Kristophe?
You mean it?
Yeah. Why don't you go
be in charge of him upstairs.
Out of earshot.
-Peekaboo. Peekaboo.
-Peekaboo. Peekaboo.
-Peekaboo. Peekaboo.
-Peekaboo. Peekaboo.
[both laugh]
[both imitating airplanes]
Kiff? You gonna take your turn?
I just got to check something.
Be right back.
I'm supposed to be learning
from them today.
They're older, they should be
setting an example.
What if something were to happen?
What if, something, were to happen?
Yeah, I heard you.
No, no, I mean, let's pretend
something bad happened
to teach Harry and Terri a lesson
that they need to be more attentive
and caring babysitters.
Fun, but shouldn't you focus
on getting experience
for the Society?
I promised the Society
I'd get good experience.
Trust me, when I'm done,
we'll all be gold-star sitters.
Hey, Kristophe.
Do you want to play a game called,
"Get in the Hamper and Stay Put
for 10 Minutes"?
Kristophe is missing!
We can't find Kristophe!
You have to put down your magazines!
Ah! Look at us! Pay attention to us!
-Wait, really?
-Yes, it's real.
-Don't think! Just react!
-[screams]
-Oh, my gosh.
-Oh, no! Kristophe.
Kristophe, where are you?
Ugh!
[grunts]
Kristophe! He's not here!
Kiff, is this still part of it?
Nope. This one got away from me.
Uh, hey.
[chuckles nervously] Just kidding. Stop.
[chuckles]
It was a drill. It was a drill.
Good job. Good, um, reaction times.
A-plus.
Kristophe's just hiding in his room.
He's fine.
[laughs nervously]
You know, it's kind of funny.
Jeepers creepers. I'm so keyed up.
Where's that copy of Teen Chill?
Do not bother us again,
or you'll both end up on the wrong end
of a magazine wedgie.
What's a magazine wedgie?
Do not make us have to figure out
what a magazine wedgie is.
Okay, not exactly what I had in mind,
but I think in time they'll come
to appreciate the lesson.
And anyway, we stopped it before
anything actually bad happened.
Um, Kiff?
Oh, no. Kristophe is missing?
For real?
[both scream]
[snoring]
Help! We can't find Kristophe!
Get up! You have to help us!
We can't find him anywhere!
Pfft. Nice tries, cheese fries.
Fool us once. Et cetera, et ce--
No, we're serious!
Last time was fake, but this time is real.
Oh, my gosh, just take a magazine.
What is it with you two and magazines?
Did you win a bunch
of subscriptions or something?
All right, nobody panic.
We just need to fan out
and search the room.
Anything might be a clue.
How about this?
Barry, no, that's just another dumb mag--
Wait a minute. Prison Break Monthly?
Dog-eared on a diagram
about escaping via tunneling?
[gasps] Don't you see?
Kristophe must've tunneled
his way under the backyard.
Tunneled? Wouldn't we see
a hole somewhere?
Uh, "Step 3: Cover Your Tracks"?
Man, that checks out.
Look, our best bet
is to go outside and dig down
into Kristophe's tunnel,
intercepting him before
he reaches the county line.
I'll get the shovels.
[doorbell rings]
Oh, no.
Oh, hey. Is Kiff still shadowing you?
We thought we'd drop by
for a surprise home visit.
Knock yourself out.
I think they're all being
annoying in the backyard.
They can't know I lost Kristophe.
[Kiff muttering indistinctly]
[Barry] What? I don't want to do that.
[Kiff] Please, just for a few minutes.
[Barry groans]
Um, hello? Kiff?
[gasps]
What a cute little baby.
Oh, hello, Babysitter's Society.
What a pleasant surprise.
I was just taking this little
guy out for an afternoon stroll.
In a wheelbarrow?
Hmm, seems unsafe.
Oh, on the contrary, Jill.
It's all the rage with modern babysitters.
Wheelbarrows improve baby core strength
and mimic the feel of a bassinet
much more than a stroller.
Is that true?
How interesting.
We'll look into that.
Please, continue like we aren't here.
Kiff, what about Kristophe?
I know, I know. Keep digging.
Anyway, you're just in time
for baby's daily dig.
A fun way to get vitamin D
and work on upper body strength.
You're never too young
to start getting ripped, I say.
That is one strong baby.
This could make a great cover.
Uh, what's the-- What's the camera for?
[chuckles]
We're starting a new magazine.
Babysitter's Monthly.
How would you and your buff baby
like to be on the cover
of our very first issue?
Cover of Babysitter Magazine?
Kiff, I do not want to be
on the cover of a magazine
wearing a burlap diaper.
Hush, baby.
-Let the grown-ups talk.
-No!
Wait, did you just get him
to say his first word?
High marks, Kiff. Very high marks.
I'd count your membership
pretty much in the bag.
We'll just grab this quick photo
and get out of your hair.
No! No! I do not want
to be photographed in a diaper!
That's a lot of first words.
[screams]
What exactly is going on here?
All right. Okay. Barry isn't the baby.
I am currently unsure
of baby's exact location.
[relaxing music playing]
Wow.
Wow, wow.
You'll never sit in
this town now, Kiff Chatterley,
not after getting my clipboard all wet.
[scoffs] And the baby thing?
-What?
-Yeah, that too.
You lost a kid.
Wait! Please! Have mercy!
You can always take over a paper route.
There's a six-year-old in my neighborhood
who's really been slacking.
[laughs]
Look what you did to our yard.
Kristophe's not down here, Kiff.
What, did you actually lose him?
Hey, I was just supposed
to be shadowing today, okay?
I wasn't supposed to be in charge.
Is that my burlap sack?
I didn't want to wear a diaper, Kiff.
-[all shouting]
-[Mary] Kids!
Are you in the backyard?
Mom, Barry's the one
who broke the water pipe.
-I told him not to.
-She was in charge of Kristophe.
Hello, my love.
You have a good time today?
They hit a water pipe.
Yell at them for ruining the yard, Mom.
[rumbling]
Wow! The keys to my hot rod.
I dropped these in the tub years ago.
Now, I can finally cruise town
in my hot rod again.
-But Kiff lost-- They
-But Kiff lost-- They
This is all thanks to Kiff, huh?
Well, Kiff, color me impressed.
How would you like a regular gig
watching Kristophe here?
-[all] What?
-Why not?
He likes you.
And Harry and Terri
could sure use a break.
But it doesn't bother you that I'm not
a sash-carrying member of the
Table Town Babysitter's Society?
The what? I don't even know
what that is. You're hired.
I did it! You hear that,
Harry and Terri? I--
Oh, they're already back to the magazines.
[engine revving]
[Kiff & Barry] Whoo-hoo! Yeah!
[Barry] Whoo!