MacGyver (2016) s01e16 Episode Script
Hook
1 I had a dream about this once.
You know what happened? You died? How'd you guess? 'Cause you die in all your dreams.
Oh.
Hey are you sure this is quicksand? Yeah, I'm pretty sure this is still quicksand.
Okay, all right.
There's no reason to get spicy about it.
I'm just asking.
Drowning in quicksand you'd think it'd be fun, bro.
This has got to be, like, one of the worst ways to die.
Well, you'll be happy to know that most people don't even die from drowning in quicksand.
It's a colloid hydrogel.
It's made of sand, clay and water.
Oh, I was wrong.
Drowning in quicksand while getting a science lecture that's the worst way to die.
- You're not listening.
- I'm listening.
Most people don't die from drowning.
They die of, like, sun exposure, dehydration, or, uh, you know starvation.
Or if if we're really unlucky, the pressure can cause deep vein thrombosis.
- Okay, all right, that's enough.
- Which can lead - No.
Stop.
That's enough.
- to embolization.
- I get it, I get it.
- Just I don't want that.
Thank you, Doctor.
Can't can't you just use that big stupid head of yours and make, like, a grappling hook or a helicopter or a blender? I'll have margaritas right now.
Just (flies buzzing) Just get us out of this.
- (groans) - We need one of your brilliant ideas.
I think Yeah.
- I-I got one.
I got one.
- (chuckles) Oh, you got it.
Do it.
Okay.
(screams): Help! That-that's the solution? You have a better idea? You know I don't.
BOTH (screaming): Help! I don't know how much longer I can (toy squeaks) Hey! That's not fair.
I beg to differ.
The dare was to see if you could hang for five minutes.
Nobody said anything about waterfowl bombardment.
- Hey! (laughs) - And three, - two, one, time! - (phone beeps) - Oh, yes.
- (MacGyver whoops) JACK: (chuckles) Very nice.
Well, I guess that means it's my turn.
All right, old man truth or dare? Let's go truth.
ALL: What happened between you and Matty? I mean, let's go dare.
You guys are killing me.
Look Matty just got mad because I called an audible and skipped out on an exfil.
That's it.
She gets very surly when you disobey a direct order.
- Jack - And despite what she said, I think she was very happy I survived that quicksand.
Come on, bro.
You know we're not talking about what happened in Uruguay.
We want to know what happened between you and Matty when you were working under her at the CIA.
And, again, maybe we should go dare.
Have you guys seen how much hot sauce I can drink? RILEY: Look, I was skeptical about getting a new boss, but after San Francisco, I'm Team Matty.
Yeah, we all are.
Except for you.
The past is the past.
Matty and I are all good.
If you're really all good, then why isn't she here? Weren't you supposed to invite her? - Was I? - (scoffs) Okay.
You guys want to know the real story? Yeah.
When Matty and I met, I was going through a really rough time.
My marriage was on the rocks.
What you were married? Not for long.
Holly and I were separated.
She was working in Los Angeles, and it was Christmas-time.
You know, I wanted to go out there and see if I could patch things up.
When I get there, terrorists seize the building where she worked.
ALL: Nakatomi Plaza.
- That's the plot of Die Hard.
- Is it? BOZER: Is it? Well, guess that means you picked dare.
- Drink up, McClane.
- JACK: Fine.
Cheers.
(phone chimes) (sighs) JACK: We got your message, boss.
'Sup? What's wrong with you, Dalton? What? Oh.
Uh I'm fine.
Okay, well, when Jack's miserable, I'm happy.
Let's get to work.
Meet Aaron Deckard.
Works for an international Armenian crime syndicate as their fixer.
His boss, Armin Morsofian, is believed to have killed at least 19 law enforcement officers around the world.
But no one's ever been able to prove it, because every time Morsofian drops a body, Deckard makes it disappear.
Until now.
Four days ago, Deckard was stopped in St.
Louis for speeding.
When police checked his trunk, they found three body bags, a shovel, and a whole lot of bleach.
To be fair, though, there's, like, 12 different things he could've been doing with that.
Yeah, you're right, though, he's probably just burying bodies.
Police questioned Deckard for hours, but the only thing that they could hold him on was a possession of an unregistered firearm.
So when Deckard made bail - He made himself disappear.
- Yes.
JACK: Yeah, I've had to deal with a couple of fixers in my day.
They're smart, slippery.
Dude's not gonna be that easy to catch.
Well, that's why you get paid the big bucks, Jack.
It's the medium bucks, Matty.
And you don't know how much I make anyways.
- I sign your paychecks.
- Oh.
And if you want me to sign another one, you're gonna go get Deckard.
All right.
Fine, we'll get him.
Where's he at? Phoenix analysts have identified a string of stolen vehicles starting in St.
Louis and heading south.
BOZER: So dude's, like, Grand Theft Auto-ing his way to Mexico? Deckard's got enough dirt on Morsofian to bring down his entire organization.
But if he leaves the country, we may never see him or his intel on the Armenian syndicate again.
Mac, Jack - go get me Deckard.
- On my way.
Now, when I was just a little boy Okay, we are only a couple miles behind Deckard's stolen car.
At our current speed, I'd say we get there in about ten minutes.
All right, good.
Which also means we have ten minutes to talk about whatever we want talk about.
Anything.
Anything from your past, anything you want to get off your chest? Nope.
- No? - No.
You want to know what happened between me and Matty? - Yeah, well - Huh? No? Ah, yeah, okay.
Okay, fine.
Fine, I'll tell you.
I don't care.
We were undercover, on this offshore oil rig, with this ragtag group of roughnecks.
Everything was cool, too.
Till the boys and girls from NASA showed up.
And ask you to keep an asteroid from destroying the Earth? That's right.
How'd you know? - That's Armageddon, dude.
- Was it? I've seen it three times, because you've made me watch every Bruce Willis movie three times.
And you're a better man for it.
Just why won't you tell me what happened? It was the worst moment of my career, okay? Worse than Cairo? Yeah, I wish it was only as bad as Cairo.
And, you know, I really wish that we'd stop talking about this right now.
(phone chimes) Looks like you're gonna get that wish.
Deckard's car is only a half a mile away.
There it is.
Looks empty.
There's two sets of skid marks.
Think he ran somebody off the road to steal another car? Well, maybe.
- Ooh! - (both coughing) Oh, it reminds me of that hot sauce, only in my eyes.
- Oh.
- It's military-grade pepper spray.
(sighs) You know, Deckard did have a ton of open warrants.
You think the police ran him off the road? Might check that out.
That is where a cop would hit him to execute a PIT maneuver.
- Wrong color, though.
- Oh? Judging by the impact height, though, I'd say we're looking for a truck.
Four-by-four with a lift kit.
Cherry red.
Okay, so, flashy car, precision driving.
You know, this doesn't sound like the handiwork of the po-po.
Sounds more like a bounty hunter to me.
Well, there's your red pickup, hoss.
- This has got to be it.
- Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna see if Riley can use this to give us the name of that bounty hunter.
Yeah, well, maybe she can use it to tell us what the hell he's doing in here.
You know, most bounty hunters hightail it right to the nearest police station with their mark, they don't stop and have a brewski.
- MacGYVER: Couple cold ones, please.
- BARTENDER: You got it.
I don't know, maybe we got lucky and, uh, - our guy's just not that bright.
- Yeah, maybe.
MAN: And bam! I ran him off the road, pepper-sprayed his ass, and hogtied him in the back of my truck.
Soon as I turn him in, cha-ching, baby.
(laughs) He's not exactly a needle in a haystack, now, is he? Mm-mm.
I see him, but where's Deckard? Mm.
I don't know.
But he seems chatty; let's go ask him.
Can I get next? Good timing.
You rack.
So I thought I overheard you say you were a bounty hunter? Bail recovery agent.
Wow.
That's that's badass.
Very.
MacGYVER: So this guy you caught you have him all tied up? - You're not worried he's gonna escape? - (Jack chuckles) What he's saying is d-did they try to get away? - Did they try to run from you? - (chuckles) Nah, man.
Soon as I get 'em, they don't get free.
Yeah, I would imagine losing a fugitive is a big no-no in your line of work.
Well, why don't y'all tell me.
Since you're obviously in the same line of work.
(laughs) What would make you say something like that? Two strangers in a plain wrap, straddling the speed limit on a road used by mostly locals.
Yeah, I made y'all on Deckard's tail a few miles back.
Forced me to step up my timetable and dent my truck.
So I thought I'd stop off for a drink, draw you out.
Take a good look at the competition.
(scoffs) Well, since everything's out in the open why don't you go ahead and do yourself a favor.
Hand him over.
- Well, I got a better idea.
- Hmm? Why don't the two of you back the hell off and let me deliver my skip.
That's not gonna happen.
Yeah.
Odds aren't in your favor.
It's two against one.
Actually, it's two against.
all of them.
BILLY: When you're done with them, boys, make sure they don't go anywhere.
JACK: Oh, you guys are you guys are together.
BILLY: Amazing how many friends you can buy - with a free round of drinks.
- Just one round? Well, what a cheapskate.
Oh.
Watch out for Ned there.
He's a biter.
All right, I'll leave you boys to your fun.
(grunting) JACK: Hey, Mac, I could use a little help here, man! MacGYVER: That's what I'm doing.
Seriously? I thought he was kidding.
All yours.
I got Deckard.
Come on, let's go.
Get in there.
Let's go.
Get up.
(engine starts) (truck horn honking) JACK: What are you doing? Huh? Wh-what are you doing? I almost just got my face chewed off, and you're just standing around? Where is he? - Did you let him go? Is he gone? - Not exactly.
Give me your phone.
No way, man.
Every time I hand you my phone, I end up at the Genius Bar, explaining to them why my phone's glued to a football or wired to a vacuum cleaner.
Use yours.
I already did.
I just need your phone to call Riley.
Dude.
(line rings) Hey, Riley.
You still have a bead on my phone, right? Excellent.
Thanks.
He's heading north.
Give me my phone.
Okay, let me get this straight.
Two highly-trained government operatives got out-maneuvered by a local, - low-rent bounty hunter.
- (laughs) We like to think of it as a temporary setback.
- Yeah.
- Think of it however you like, Mac.
Bottom line: you two got punked.
JACK: Okay.
Well, um, thanks for the pep talk there, boss.
That really helps.
Did you get an I.
D.
on that bounty hunter yet? His plates led nowhere.
- They're fake.
- Hmm.
So whoever this guy is, he's smart.
Not smarter than us.
Mac, your quick-and-dirty tracker just stopped moving.
I'm sending you GPS coordinates now.
Thank you.
Hey, if this guy's at another trucker bar Yeah, we're buying everybody two rounds of drinks.
- Exactly.
- I got it.
JACK: Déjà vu, man.
We've seen this before.
You could've just said "déjà vu.
" Yeah, exactly.
You know, it's a little odd he would bring Deckard to a diner.
Who cares? As long as he's here.
- I'll get a picture of the VIN number.
- Yeah.
Pretty easy to fake a plate, but not a VIN.
(computer trilling) All right, trace on the VIN's up and running.
(talking quietly) Yes? - Bozer.
- Mm-hmm? Right now you're at about zero percent chill.
I need you to up that to about 60.
Yeah? - Sixty.
Got it.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Is this good? Just don't say anything.
And don't do that with your face, all right? - Okay.
- Okay.
I was thinking about that thing we talked about earlier.
You mean whatever's going on between Jack and Matty? Yeah.
I did some sniffing around, and I got the CIA file on Jack and Matty's last mission together.
But it's heavily encrypted.
I need some time to break in.
Great.
Let's get to work.
Unless you know how to break 4,096-bit military-grade encryption, how about I get to work and you find a place for me to do that work? I need to borrow Phoenix's servers for a few hours, uninterrupted.
I got you.
I know just the place.
Hey, be ready, okay? This guy knows what we look like, so things could pop off in here pretty quick.
(mellow country music playing) MacGYVER: Or not at all.
Well, I told you the guy was slippery.
You got to give him credit.
Maybe he actually is in the bathroom.
Hi.
Welcome to Mama's.
Y'all take a seat anywhere you like.
I'll be right with you.
Sorry to bother you, ma'am, but we're actually looking for a man.
Well, so am I, sugar.
So you gonna have to be a little bit more specific than that.
Well, actually, it's two men.
One's about six foot tall; he's got these big old popcorn muscles, lot of attitude.
Drives the cherry red pickup parked out front.
He might be traveling with this man.
Never seen the man there in the picture, but the man driving that truck, he was sitting in that booth a little while ago.
Saw him get up and go to that bathroom in the back.
You might want to clear your place out, ma'am.
Why? There gonna be any trouble? 'Cause Mama don't like no trouble in her diner.
No.
Mama, we're no fans of diner trouble.
Just gonna have a little chat with the guy.
Yeah, well go on, then.
(phone rings) Riley, now is really not a good time.
RILEY: Yeah, it is, Mac, 'cause I got bad news.
The bounty hunter's VIN number just came back with an I.
D.
Okay.
How is that bad news? Truck belongs to a Billy Colton.
Let me guess.
Their address is right where we're standing.
Welcome to the Colton Family Bail Bonds.
Now, how can I help y'all today? All right, boys.
Rules are simple here.
I don't like no lying in my diner.
So when I ask you something, you're gonna tell me the truth.
- You understand? - JACK: Yes, ma'am.
Of course.
Mm-hmm.
My buttermilk pie.
I've been tweaking the recipe.
Thinking about adding it to the menu, so I want your honest opinion.
Well, we're not really hungry right now.
No one refuses Mama.
Just eat the damn pie.
MAMA: Y'all want to start by telling us who you are? (dishes clinking) (sighs) Well, I'm MacGyver.
This is Jack.
We're bail bondsmen, just like you guys.
We saw the bounty posted on Deckard, - and figured it'd be easy money.
- Are you kiddin' me? You know, this is the best damn thing that's ever happened to my mouth.
Thank you, dear.
You really ought to try it with a shot of my moonshine.
JACK: Oh, I'd love to.
- MAMA: A little whipped cream? - JACK: Yeah, that's good.
MacGYVER: Yeah, I'll try some of that.
(knife bangs on counter) Now didn't I just tell you not to lie to me, sugar? I know bounty hunters, and y'all ain't no bounty hunters.
Ex-military, maybe.
And if I had to wager, I would say that you were Delta.
- I don't know what you're - Oh, callous on your gun hand.
The way Deltas were trained to reload.
So let's try this again.
You want to tell us who you really are? Well (sighs) we work for the government.
What agency? Listen, I cannot tell you that.
But I can tell you that we're here for Deckard, so whatever the bounty is on him, we'll double it.
Do I look like I can be bought? So tell us who you're handing him off to.
- We'll go the official route - Yeah, right.
Make sure you all still get paid.
Yeah, be all copasetic.
MAMA: No disrespect, son, but somebody who is not on the up and up with me from the get-go is somebody I just can't trust.
Besides, we Coltons, we got a code.
We sign a contract, we finish the deal.
Now, what good would we be if we didn't keep our word? Well, you make one hell of a pie.
And you you come up in here trying to cause some big old ruckus with my boy Billy, trying to mess up our contract.
Now, you know we can't let that stand.
(laughter) - That's good.
- Ooh! You should've seen these boys' faces! Look at them.
Looking like you think we gonna kill you or something.
(laughter) That was good.
As much as I like you boys I really think it's best we don't never see y'all again.
Probably-probably a good idea.
Yeah, yeah.
It's-it's for the best.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
If that's the case, I think we'll just, - you know say thanks for the pie - Bounce.
- and be on our way.
- Thank you.
Oh, now, come on, sugar.
I may be sweet, but I ain't stupid.
So Jesse and Billy here, they're gonna give y'all a ride so far out of town that y'all can't make no more trouble around here.
(quietly): I don't think horses eat buttermilk pie.
No.
Okay, so now we know where Deckard is.
Let's just figure out a way to grab him and all get out of here in one piece.
Yeah, you think you can figure out a way to piss these guys off? Billy! How come you didn't get a piece of pie, huh? - Mama mad at you? - Just keep walking, Tex.
- Okay.
All right.
- Leave him be, Billy.
- Mama said - I know what Mama said, Jesse.
All right, now, now, hang on a second.
This is your sister.
That's no way to talk to her.
She's just trying to help.
You know, it's probably that attitude that cost you the pie in the first place.
Nah.
Baby Brother's on Mama's list for botching a big job last month.
Lost a mark and cost us a million-dollar bond.
Billy, what are you doing? Y-You're putting the whole family business at risk here.
Why you think I took this job, dumbass? Deckard pays two mil.
Yeah, and taking the job without talking to her only pissed her off more.
All you got to do is say sorry, B.
- That's all Mama wants.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Just-just say you're sorry, B.
- Exactly.
(grunting) (both coughing) Frank, get out here! (coughs) - Come on! Stop 'em! - JACK: Ow! Man! Maybe warn me before you - you mace everybody next time, okay? - (groans) That was almost as bad as the hot sauce.
- Almost? - Yeah, well, this I'm only gonna feel once.
That hot sauce you know, I felt a couple times.
But it worked.
MacGYVER: Just told Phoenix we got Deckard, and Matty just sent the exfil coordinates.
So, um, yeah, keep heading north.
That was a really good job with that pie bit.
Oh, yeah, well, it wasn't that hard to spot the crack between Billy and his mama.
You just had to apply pressure and, blam, you just split those two right apart.
(sniffs) What? You want to have a staring contest? I'm driving.
You seriously don't see this? See what? You, Matty.
Billy, Mama.
Oh, Mac, Riley, Bozer.
I can rattle off names, too, if that's what we're doing here.
This thing between you and Matty - is the same thing as Billy and Mama.
- Mm.
Billy did something wrong, and he won't apologize for it.
That rift in their team is the only reason that we escaped.
Well, you're welcome.
And that rift between you and Matty makes our team just as vulnerable.
No, there is nothing wrong with our team.
Why are you doing that to me right now? We got Deckard in the back, brother.
We're getting away no prob (gunshot) (tires screeching) Whoa, hang on, hang on! You were saying? Got something.
An old video in Jack and Matty's case file labeled "Incident Report.
" So we're finally gonna see what happened to them? - Mm-hmm.
- Jackpot.
Or Jack-and-Matty-pot.
(chuckles) - Yeah, I'll work on that one.
- Okay.
(clicks tongue) This isn't a video file.
It's loading a video chat.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, n Well, this is disappointing.
- Matty - We can explain.
I expected you two to go pawing through my past weeks ago to find this file.
You planted a fake video? You knew what we were up to this whole time? Very little goes on around here without me knowing about it, Bozer.
And when agents get distracted, missions go badly.
Case in point: while you two have been busy violating the Espionage Act, Mac and Jack seem to have gotten themselves in trouble.
Again.
So get your butts upstairs now.
Okay.
- Let's go, Slick.
- Ooh, Billy, what is that cologne you're wearing? Is that that eau de toilet stuff? - That toilet cologne? - Look, watch it, Tex.
Well, I'm just saying.
You-you smell fantastic.
This ain't what you want.
- You know what, - Okay, okay.
I'll take Yosemite Sam.
You make sure the Boy Scout can't get loose.
- Hands behind your back.
- Yosemite Sam? Turn around.
Ooh, ooh.
Put your hands behind your back.
Ah! I can tell you've done this before.
It's my favorite part of the job.
Get your feet out.
- Oh, come on, the feet, too? - Yep.
Seriously, Billy, why do you smell like a pooper? - You got one more time.
- Okay.
If Mama ever sees either of you again, you're both gonna get more than a slice of pie, so stay put, huh? Ooh, the rough stuff.
I like that.
You're really sweet.
Cute, too.
(engines revving) Okay, if I can pry one of these things out, these bars, maybe I can use it as a lever.
A lever to do what, man? Just use this.
(chuckles) - Where did you get that? - I swiped it off of Billy when I was pissing him off out there.
- You like that? - Wait, you know what? - You hold it, I'll dial.
- Yeah, yeah.
There you go.
And you say I get distracted.
That was a pretty cool move right there.
Uh, well, last I checked, we were zip-tied in the back of a horse trailer while the Coltons got away with Deckard.
And, oh, yeah, you were the last one driving.
Big deal.
You've driven us into trouble before.
- You've driv you've - Whatever this is with you and Matty, - you got to fix it.
- Matty? What is the wh-why are we talking about Matty? I don't want to talk about Matty right now, dude.
(line ringing) Mac, this problem between me and Matty will never be fixed.
Do you understand me? MATTY: Well, this is going well.
Uh, hey, Matty! Uh we're-we're a little tied up right now.
Why do I get the feeling that you're not speaking figuratively? Do you at least still have Deckard? - Well, that's a funny story - Hilarious.
Oh, I can't wait to hear all about it, but right now I'm a little busy sending in Riley, Bozer, and a team of Phoenix agents to do what you guys couldn't.
(mouths) It's been a slice.
That's great.
That's-that's really great.
- Hey.
- Hmm? - It's not over.
- Mm.
Yeah, it is for me.
Might as well just set me on fire, man.
Seriously, how many more times do you think this woman's gonna keep letting me off the hook? And now what's happened? I'll tell you.
I've let her down.
Again.
So appreciate you just (grunts) just light the match and throw it on top.
(clicks tongue) I know our conversation with Matty didn't exactly go as planned, but didn't you want to try and use Billy's phone to call somebody else to come and free us? I figured just use the phone itself to free us.
(sighs) Circuit boards (grunts) are just pieces of copper laminated onto a non-conductive substrate, like fiberglass.
Which means it can be sanded down into a blade.
A knife.
High fives.
Come and cut me loose.
(grunts) Ow, ow! Now, hang on a second, now.
I'd like to keep all the blood inside of my body.
My bad.
- Oh, man.
- Yeah.
(hisses) Feels like we've been running forever, man.
You sure the gas station you saw was in this direction? - Yeah.
- Huh? 'Cause, I mean, I don't, I don't mind running.
I just don't want to go in the wrong way.
Look, maybe it's a good time to start talking about Matty.
How many times do I have to tell you this? I screwed up.
She saved my ass.
And she took a real personal hit in the meantime.
It's not pretty, Mac.
It's not something that can just be fixed with "I'm sorry.
" Here's your trouble: "I'm sorry" doesn't fix anything.
It just starts the conversation.
Okay, can we just hurry up and steal a car or something? We can commandeer one.
If you can keep up.
I'll probably beat you there, so you might want to get running! (engine starts) - Hey! Hey! - Go, go, go, go! - What are y'all doing?! - Go, go, go! Get out of my truck! Come back here! - JACK: I'll bring it back! I promise! - Stop! Breathe, baby.
Just breathe.
Have a bite of pie, and tell Mama what's going on.
He said he was an investment advisor.
I didn't know he was a con man.
Bastard ran off with all the money I saved for our honeymoon.
MAMA: Honeymoon? (gasps) Congratulations.
Thank you.
(chuckles) I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
Yeah, I-I played hard to get at first.
I'd only give her my phone number one digit at a time.
But eventually, - she won me over.
- (chuckles) Funny - that's not how I remember it, dear.
- (chuckles) - Well, you know you have a bad memory.
- (laughs): Oh.
Yes.
So I'm assuming y'all have gone to the police? And the FBI.
They say there's nothing they can do.
Well, you come to the right place.
So tell me all you know about this lying sack of taters.
(phone vibrating) (water running) MAMA: Well, Mr.
and Mrs.
Wilson, I think we've got everything we need to get started.
Oh, and, uh, he has a little freckle, like, uh, like, right here on his hand.
- Looks like Delaware, only smaller.
- I just They're professionals, dear.
Let them do their thing, okay? - Ah, whatever you say, snookie-ookums.
- (laughs) Muffin.
(laughs) Newlyweds.
Newlyweds.
We're still working on the pet names.
Please let us know as soon as you find him, and thank you so much for your help.
Oh, you're very welcome, baby, and don't you worry.
Mama always gets her man.
Oh, after you Pookie-Wookie.
Okay.
(laughs) Bye.
MAMA: Bye-bye.
(quietly): I want a divorce.
(door bells jingle) Find out who they really are.
What happened to our original cover story? You know, the one where we were roommates who got swindled.
Yeah.
I called an audible.
Newlyweds just felt right in the moment.
You know, I'm very method.
That's what happens when you work with a classically-trained actor.
You took a six-hour workshop on acting for infomercials.
- And I read that Stella Adler book.
- Oh, yeah? Is that where you learned to run your mouth so much? Mama almost realized we were conning her.
Well, let's get out of here before they run our I.
D.
s and figure out who we really are.
- Ain't nobody gonna oh! - Oh! (muffled grunting) (gasping) Oh, man.
Whatever happened to "psst"? - Doesn't anyone "psst" anymore? - We couldn't risk you making a noise.
- Be here all day.
- Guys, where's Deckard? RILEY: Gone.
While we were distracting the Coltons, our tac team ran in and grabbed him.
- He's on the way to exfil now.
- Hey, mission accomplished, homeboy.
Up top! - (vehicles approaching) - Ooh, no.
Up-top homeboy.
Who's in the bulletproof SUVs? (tires screech) That's Armin Morsofian.
- Deckard's old boss? - Yeah.
Wait.
The Coltons were never gonna hand Deckard over to a government agency.
They were hired by the Armenians.
JACK: Yeah, who were probably gonna put a bullet in Deckard the minute the Coltons hand him over.
So we just saved Deckard's life? Yeah, but we might have just gotten the Coltons killed.
JACK: So, you better come up with a plan.
I can see you're working on something.
You got something? Yeah, what you got? Yeah, I got something.
I'm just not sure it's much of a plan.
(door bells jingle) Hey, everybody.
- (guns clicking) - Oh! How we doing? (chuckles) All right.
Hey, you guys know what to do, right? - We'll be ready.
- Ready for what? I'm not even exactly sure what Mac's doing in there.
JACK: Just follow his instructions.
I am Mac.
I work for Mama.
Sorry, Mama, I got tied up.
Please excuse me for a few minutes.
Talk to my associate.
He's working on another job for us.
I don't know what kind of game you are playing here, but No games.
My people have Deckard.
Well, my clients are not gonna like that.
Your clients are an international crime syndicate.
Once they find out you don't have Deckard, they're going to start shooting.
Well, then, why don't I just tell them you took him? Your family's in danger either way.
Look for yourself, Mama.
12 men, armed to the teeth.
And unless they forgot your $2 million in the car, I don't think they were ever planning on paying you.
Well, failure to render payment breaks their contract, so does your previous offer stand? Consider yourself hired.
Now ask Jesse to go get Deckard.
- Jesse? - Yes, Mama.
Go and fetch Mr.
Morsofian's package.
Excuse the delay.
Can I offer you gentleman a slice of buttermilk pie on the house? No, thank you.
Please.
Just bring us Deckard.
- Is there a problem? - (Jack yelling) JACK: Ah, man, this better work! (tires screeching) JACK: No whammies, no whammies, no whammies, no whammies, no (tires screech) (tires screech) Engines off.
Doors locked.
(laughing) (guns clicking) (men coughing) I would think twice before I pull that trigger.
Mama's Moonshine is, uh, what? - About 150 proof? - 155.
Listen to me, Armin.
One spark from your gun, one muzzle flash from any of the others, and that ethanol vapor you're choking on right now it's gonna turn Mama's Diner into Mama's Barbecue Joint.
Or I can just save you the decision and light you up myself.
(sighs) AGENT: Let's go.
Hey, keep walking.
Hey, Mama.
Uh, I know I screwed up, and now I almost got us all killed.
I-I guess what I'm trying to tell you I'm sorry.
(clicks tongue) It's all right, son.
Well, y'all broke my no-lying rule six ways to Sunday, now, didn't you? Yes, but it was for a good cause.
Well, I don't rightly care about the cause as much as I do getting paid.
So, will that be cash or credit? He's gonna have to talk to our boss before you get paid.
It's actually a conversation I'm looking forward to.
In the meantime, lots of buttermilk pie.
- Ah.
- (laughing) Well, all things considered, it wasn't too bad working with you two.
But I will tell you one thing.
If you ever steal my mark again, oh, there will be hell to pay.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Yeah.
- Excuse me? - Oh.
Thank you.
You're a real pain in the ass, you know that? (laughs) It's, uh, not the first time I've heard that.
But that thing you did in there? (laughs) Not bad.
I've never seen nobody turn a diner into a weapon before.
BOZER (laughs): Yeah.
You should see what he can do - with shoe strings and bubblegum.
- (laughter) All right, we'll see y'all later.
Okay.
Man, I kind of want to stay - and kick it with the Coltons.
- Mm.
- I think Jack wants to be a Colton.
- (chuckles) Jack's not cool enough to be a Colton.
Yeah, 'cause I hang out with you nerds.
Don't touch me.
JACK: So aside from one or two teenie, weenie hiccups along the way, I'd call that mission a total success.
Well, of course you would, Jack, 'cause you're not the one that has to explain to Oversight why Phoenix is on the hook for a $4 million bounty to the Coltons.
Well, what can I tell you, Matty? Heavy is the head that wears the crown.
Get out of here.
All of you.
Hey, Matty? Think we need to talk for a minute.
I didn't even know what buttermilk pie was until today.
Now I never want to stop eating it.
Looks like I'll be calling Mama and placing an order for the missus.
If you call me one more of those stupid pet names You guys gave each other pet names? We did not give each other pet names.
He gave me, like, a dozen Well, I got to hear those.
And that's an order.
I'm kidding.
We're off the clock.
So, stop pet-naming Riley and cut me a slice of this pie that Jack won't stop yapping about.
Get in there.
I'm guessing the apology went well.
Well, a wise man once told me that "I'm sorry" only starts the conversation.
So who's ready for another game of truth or dare? (groans) I love truth or dare.
- Oh, you do? - Yeah, I do.
That's great, 'cause there, for a second, I thought tonight wasn't gonna get super duper awkward.
Oh, it's gonna get very awkward - for you, Dalton.
- Oh, for everybody.
I know all your secrets, remember? So I'll know whether you're telling the truth or not.
All right, well, I'll go dare all night.
Bring it.
Bust out the hot sauce.
You know what happened? You died? How'd you guess? 'Cause you die in all your dreams.
Oh.
Hey are you sure this is quicksand? Yeah, I'm pretty sure this is still quicksand.
Okay, all right.
There's no reason to get spicy about it.
I'm just asking.
Drowning in quicksand you'd think it'd be fun, bro.
This has got to be, like, one of the worst ways to die.
Well, you'll be happy to know that most people don't even die from drowning in quicksand.
It's a colloid hydrogel.
It's made of sand, clay and water.
Oh, I was wrong.
Drowning in quicksand while getting a science lecture that's the worst way to die.
- You're not listening.
- I'm listening.
Most people don't die from drowning.
They die of, like, sun exposure, dehydration, or, uh, you know starvation.
Or if if we're really unlucky, the pressure can cause deep vein thrombosis.
- Okay, all right, that's enough.
- Which can lead - No.
Stop.
That's enough.
- to embolization.
- I get it, I get it.
- Just I don't want that.
Thank you, Doctor.
Can't can't you just use that big stupid head of yours and make, like, a grappling hook or a helicopter or a blender? I'll have margaritas right now.
Just (flies buzzing) Just get us out of this.
- (groans) - We need one of your brilliant ideas.
I think Yeah.
- I-I got one.
I got one.
- (chuckles) Oh, you got it.
Do it.
Okay.
(screams): Help! That-that's the solution? You have a better idea? You know I don't.
BOTH (screaming): Help! I don't know how much longer I can (toy squeaks) Hey! That's not fair.
I beg to differ.
The dare was to see if you could hang for five minutes.
Nobody said anything about waterfowl bombardment.
- Hey! (laughs) - And three, - two, one, time! - (phone beeps) - Oh, yes.
- (MacGyver whoops) JACK: (chuckles) Very nice.
Well, I guess that means it's my turn.
All right, old man truth or dare? Let's go truth.
ALL: What happened between you and Matty? I mean, let's go dare.
You guys are killing me.
Look Matty just got mad because I called an audible and skipped out on an exfil.
That's it.
She gets very surly when you disobey a direct order.
- Jack - And despite what she said, I think she was very happy I survived that quicksand.
Come on, bro.
You know we're not talking about what happened in Uruguay.
We want to know what happened between you and Matty when you were working under her at the CIA.
And, again, maybe we should go dare.
Have you guys seen how much hot sauce I can drink? RILEY: Look, I was skeptical about getting a new boss, but after San Francisco, I'm Team Matty.
Yeah, we all are.
Except for you.
The past is the past.
Matty and I are all good.
If you're really all good, then why isn't she here? Weren't you supposed to invite her? - Was I? - (scoffs) Okay.
You guys want to know the real story? Yeah.
When Matty and I met, I was going through a really rough time.
My marriage was on the rocks.
What you were married? Not for long.
Holly and I were separated.
She was working in Los Angeles, and it was Christmas-time.
You know, I wanted to go out there and see if I could patch things up.
When I get there, terrorists seize the building where she worked.
ALL: Nakatomi Plaza.
- That's the plot of Die Hard.
- Is it? BOZER: Is it? Well, guess that means you picked dare.
- Drink up, McClane.
- JACK: Fine.
Cheers.
(phone chimes) (sighs) JACK: We got your message, boss.
'Sup? What's wrong with you, Dalton? What? Oh.
Uh I'm fine.
Okay, well, when Jack's miserable, I'm happy.
Let's get to work.
Meet Aaron Deckard.
Works for an international Armenian crime syndicate as their fixer.
His boss, Armin Morsofian, is believed to have killed at least 19 law enforcement officers around the world.
But no one's ever been able to prove it, because every time Morsofian drops a body, Deckard makes it disappear.
Until now.
Four days ago, Deckard was stopped in St.
Louis for speeding.
When police checked his trunk, they found three body bags, a shovel, and a whole lot of bleach.
To be fair, though, there's, like, 12 different things he could've been doing with that.
Yeah, you're right, though, he's probably just burying bodies.
Police questioned Deckard for hours, but the only thing that they could hold him on was a possession of an unregistered firearm.
So when Deckard made bail - He made himself disappear.
- Yes.
JACK: Yeah, I've had to deal with a couple of fixers in my day.
They're smart, slippery.
Dude's not gonna be that easy to catch.
Well, that's why you get paid the big bucks, Jack.
It's the medium bucks, Matty.
And you don't know how much I make anyways.
- I sign your paychecks.
- Oh.
And if you want me to sign another one, you're gonna go get Deckard.
All right.
Fine, we'll get him.
Where's he at? Phoenix analysts have identified a string of stolen vehicles starting in St.
Louis and heading south.
BOZER: So dude's, like, Grand Theft Auto-ing his way to Mexico? Deckard's got enough dirt on Morsofian to bring down his entire organization.
But if he leaves the country, we may never see him or his intel on the Armenian syndicate again.
Mac, Jack - go get me Deckard.
- On my way.
Now, when I was just a little boy Okay, we are only a couple miles behind Deckard's stolen car.
At our current speed, I'd say we get there in about ten minutes.
All right, good.
Which also means we have ten minutes to talk about whatever we want talk about.
Anything.
Anything from your past, anything you want to get off your chest? Nope.
- No? - No.
You want to know what happened between me and Matty? - Yeah, well - Huh? No? Ah, yeah, okay.
Okay, fine.
Fine, I'll tell you.
I don't care.
We were undercover, on this offshore oil rig, with this ragtag group of roughnecks.
Everything was cool, too.
Till the boys and girls from NASA showed up.
And ask you to keep an asteroid from destroying the Earth? That's right.
How'd you know? - That's Armageddon, dude.
- Was it? I've seen it three times, because you've made me watch every Bruce Willis movie three times.
And you're a better man for it.
Just why won't you tell me what happened? It was the worst moment of my career, okay? Worse than Cairo? Yeah, I wish it was only as bad as Cairo.
And, you know, I really wish that we'd stop talking about this right now.
(phone chimes) Looks like you're gonna get that wish.
Deckard's car is only a half a mile away.
There it is.
Looks empty.
There's two sets of skid marks.
Think he ran somebody off the road to steal another car? Well, maybe.
- Ooh! - (both coughing) Oh, it reminds me of that hot sauce, only in my eyes.
- Oh.
- It's military-grade pepper spray.
(sighs) You know, Deckard did have a ton of open warrants.
You think the police ran him off the road? Might check that out.
That is where a cop would hit him to execute a PIT maneuver.
- Wrong color, though.
- Oh? Judging by the impact height, though, I'd say we're looking for a truck.
Four-by-four with a lift kit.
Cherry red.
Okay, so, flashy car, precision driving.
You know, this doesn't sound like the handiwork of the po-po.
Sounds more like a bounty hunter to me.
Well, there's your red pickup, hoss.
- This has got to be it.
- Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna see if Riley can use this to give us the name of that bounty hunter.
Yeah, well, maybe she can use it to tell us what the hell he's doing in here.
You know, most bounty hunters hightail it right to the nearest police station with their mark, they don't stop and have a brewski.
- MacGYVER: Couple cold ones, please.
- BARTENDER: You got it.
I don't know, maybe we got lucky and, uh, - our guy's just not that bright.
- Yeah, maybe.
MAN: And bam! I ran him off the road, pepper-sprayed his ass, and hogtied him in the back of my truck.
Soon as I turn him in, cha-ching, baby.
(laughs) He's not exactly a needle in a haystack, now, is he? Mm-mm.
I see him, but where's Deckard? Mm.
I don't know.
But he seems chatty; let's go ask him.
Can I get next? Good timing.
You rack.
So I thought I overheard you say you were a bounty hunter? Bail recovery agent.
Wow.
That's that's badass.
Very.
MacGYVER: So this guy you caught you have him all tied up? - You're not worried he's gonna escape? - (Jack chuckles) What he's saying is d-did they try to get away? - Did they try to run from you? - (chuckles) Nah, man.
Soon as I get 'em, they don't get free.
Yeah, I would imagine losing a fugitive is a big no-no in your line of work.
Well, why don't y'all tell me.
Since you're obviously in the same line of work.
(laughs) What would make you say something like that? Two strangers in a plain wrap, straddling the speed limit on a road used by mostly locals.
Yeah, I made y'all on Deckard's tail a few miles back.
Forced me to step up my timetable and dent my truck.
So I thought I'd stop off for a drink, draw you out.
Take a good look at the competition.
(scoffs) Well, since everything's out in the open why don't you go ahead and do yourself a favor.
Hand him over.
- Well, I got a better idea.
- Hmm? Why don't the two of you back the hell off and let me deliver my skip.
That's not gonna happen.
Yeah.
Odds aren't in your favor.
It's two against one.
Actually, it's two against.
all of them.
BILLY: When you're done with them, boys, make sure they don't go anywhere.
JACK: Oh, you guys are you guys are together.
BILLY: Amazing how many friends you can buy - with a free round of drinks.
- Just one round? Well, what a cheapskate.
Oh.
Watch out for Ned there.
He's a biter.
All right, I'll leave you boys to your fun.
(grunting) JACK: Hey, Mac, I could use a little help here, man! MacGYVER: That's what I'm doing.
Seriously? I thought he was kidding.
All yours.
I got Deckard.
Come on, let's go.
Get in there.
Let's go.
Get up.
(engine starts) (truck horn honking) JACK: What are you doing? Huh? Wh-what are you doing? I almost just got my face chewed off, and you're just standing around? Where is he? - Did you let him go? Is he gone? - Not exactly.
Give me your phone.
No way, man.
Every time I hand you my phone, I end up at the Genius Bar, explaining to them why my phone's glued to a football or wired to a vacuum cleaner.
Use yours.
I already did.
I just need your phone to call Riley.
Dude.
(line rings) Hey, Riley.
You still have a bead on my phone, right? Excellent.
Thanks.
He's heading north.
Give me my phone.
Okay, let me get this straight.
Two highly-trained government operatives got out-maneuvered by a local, - low-rent bounty hunter.
- (laughs) We like to think of it as a temporary setback.
- Yeah.
- Think of it however you like, Mac.
Bottom line: you two got punked.
JACK: Okay.
Well, um, thanks for the pep talk there, boss.
That really helps.
Did you get an I.
D.
on that bounty hunter yet? His plates led nowhere.
- They're fake.
- Hmm.
So whoever this guy is, he's smart.
Not smarter than us.
Mac, your quick-and-dirty tracker just stopped moving.
I'm sending you GPS coordinates now.
Thank you.
Hey, if this guy's at another trucker bar Yeah, we're buying everybody two rounds of drinks.
- Exactly.
- I got it.
JACK: Déjà vu, man.
We've seen this before.
You could've just said "déjà vu.
" Yeah, exactly.
You know, it's a little odd he would bring Deckard to a diner.
Who cares? As long as he's here.
- I'll get a picture of the VIN number.
- Yeah.
Pretty easy to fake a plate, but not a VIN.
(computer trilling) All right, trace on the VIN's up and running.
(talking quietly) Yes? - Bozer.
- Mm-hmm? Right now you're at about zero percent chill.
I need you to up that to about 60.
Yeah? - Sixty.
Got it.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Is this good? Just don't say anything.
And don't do that with your face, all right? - Okay.
- Okay.
I was thinking about that thing we talked about earlier.
You mean whatever's going on between Jack and Matty? Yeah.
I did some sniffing around, and I got the CIA file on Jack and Matty's last mission together.
But it's heavily encrypted.
I need some time to break in.
Great.
Let's get to work.
Unless you know how to break 4,096-bit military-grade encryption, how about I get to work and you find a place for me to do that work? I need to borrow Phoenix's servers for a few hours, uninterrupted.
I got you.
I know just the place.
Hey, be ready, okay? This guy knows what we look like, so things could pop off in here pretty quick.
(mellow country music playing) MacGYVER: Or not at all.
Well, I told you the guy was slippery.
You got to give him credit.
Maybe he actually is in the bathroom.
Hi.
Welcome to Mama's.
Y'all take a seat anywhere you like.
I'll be right with you.
Sorry to bother you, ma'am, but we're actually looking for a man.
Well, so am I, sugar.
So you gonna have to be a little bit more specific than that.
Well, actually, it's two men.
One's about six foot tall; he's got these big old popcorn muscles, lot of attitude.
Drives the cherry red pickup parked out front.
He might be traveling with this man.
Never seen the man there in the picture, but the man driving that truck, he was sitting in that booth a little while ago.
Saw him get up and go to that bathroom in the back.
You might want to clear your place out, ma'am.
Why? There gonna be any trouble? 'Cause Mama don't like no trouble in her diner.
No.
Mama, we're no fans of diner trouble.
Just gonna have a little chat with the guy.
Yeah, well go on, then.
(phone rings) Riley, now is really not a good time.
RILEY: Yeah, it is, Mac, 'cause I got bad news.
The bounty hunter's VIN number just came back with an I.
D.
Okay.
How is that bad news? Truck belongs to a Billy Colton.
Let me guess.
Their address is right where we're standing.
Welcome to the Colton Family Bail Bonds.
Now, how can I help y'all today? All right, boys.
Rules are simple here.
I don't like no lying in my diner.
So when I ask you something, you're gonna tell me the truth.
- You understand? - JACK: Yes, ma'am.
Of course.
Mm-hmm.
My buttermilk pie.
I've been tweaking the recipe.
Thinking about adding it to the menu, so I want your honest opinion.
Well, we're not really hungry right now.
No one refuses Mama.
Just eat the damn pie.
MAMA: Y'all want to start by telling us who you are? (dishes clinking) (sighs) Well, I'm MacGyver.
This is Jack.
We're bail bondsmen, just like you guys.
We saw the bounty posted on Deckard, - and figured it'd be easy money.
- Are you kiddin' me? You know, this is the best damn thing that's ever happened to my mouth.
Thank you, dear.
You really ought to try it with a shot of my moonshine.
JACK: Oh, I'd love to.
- MAMA: A little whipped cream? - JACK: Yeah, that's good.
MacGYVER: Yeah, I'll try some of that.
(knife bangs on counter) Now didn't I just tell you not to lie to me, sugar? I know bounty hunters, and y'all ain't no bounty hunters.
Ex-military, maybe.
And if I had to wager, I would say that you were Delta.
- I don't know what you're - Oh, callous on your gun hand.
The way Deltas were trained to reload.
So let's try this again.
You want to tell us who you really are? Well (sighs) we work for the government.
What agency? Listen, I cannot tell you that.
But I can tell you that we're here for Deckard, so whatever the bounty is on him, we'll double it.
Do I look like I can be bought? So tell us who you're handing him off to.
- We'll go the official route - Yeah, right.
Make sure you all still get paid.
Yeah, be all copasetic.
MAMA: No disrespect, son, but somebody who is not on the up and up with me from the get-go is somebody I just can't trust.
Besides, we Coltons, we got a code.
We sign a contract, we finish the deal.
Now, what good would we be if we didn't keep our word? Well, you make one hell of a pie.
And you you come up in here trying to cause some big old ruckus with my boy Billy, trying to mess up our contract.
Now, you know we can't let that stand.
(laughter) - That's good.
- Ooh! You should've seen these boys' faces! Look at them.
Looking like you think we gonna kill you or something.
(laughter) That was good.
As much as I like you boys I really think it's best we don't never see y'all again.
Probably-probably a good idea.
Yeah, yeah.
It's-it's for the best.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
If that's the case, I think we'll just, - you know say thanks for the pie - Bounce.
- and be on our way.
- Thank you.
Oh, now, come on, sugar.
I may be sweet, but I ain't stupid.
So Jesse and Billy here, they're gonna give y'all a ride so far out of town that y'all can't make no more trouble around here.
(quietly): I don't think horses eat buttermilk pie.
No.
Okay, so now we know where Deckard is.
Let's just figure out a way to grab him and all get out of here in one piece.
Yeah, you think you can figure out a way to piss these guys off? Billy! How come you didn't get a piece of pie, huh? - Mama mad at you? - Just keep walking, Tex.
- Okay.
All right.
- Leave him be, Billy.
- Mama said - I know what Mama said, Jesse.
All right, now, now, hang on a second.
This is your sister.
That's no way to talk to her.
She's just trying to help.
You know, it's probably that attitude that cost you the pie in the first place.
Nah.
Baby Brother's on Mama's list for botching a big job last month.
Lost a mark and cost us a million-dollar bond.
Billy, what are you doing? Y-You're putting the whole family business at risk here.
Why you think I took this job, dumbass? Deckard pays two mil.
Yeah, and taking the job without talking to her only pissed her off more.
All you got to do is say sorry, B.
- That's all Mama wants.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Just-just say you're sorry, B.
- Exactly.
(grunting) (both coughing) Frank, get out here! (coughs) - Come on! Stop 'em! - JACK: Ow! Man! Maybe warn me before you - you mace everybody next time, okay? - (groans) That was almost as bad as the hot sauce.
- Almost? - Yeah, well, this I'm only gonna feel once.
That hot sauce you know, I felt a couple times.
But it worked.
MacGYVER: Just told Phoenix we got Deckard, and Matty just sent the exfil coordinates.
So, um, yeah, keep heading north.
That was a really good job with that pie bit.
Oh, yeah, well, it wasn't that hard to spot the crack between Billy and his mama.
You just had to apply pressure and, blam, you just split those two right apart.
(sniffs) What? You want to have a staring contest? I'm driving.
You seriously don't see this? See what? You, Matty.
Billy, Mama.
Oh, Mac, Riley, Bozer.
I can rattle off names, too, if that's what we're doing here.
This thing between you and Matty - is the same thing as Billy and Mama.
- Mm.
Billy did something wrong, and he won't apologize for it.
That rift in their team is the only reason that we escaped.
Well, you're welcome.
And that rift between you and Matty makes our team just as vulnerable.
No, there is nothing wrong with our team.
Why are you doing that to me right now? We got Deckard in the back, brother.
We're getting away no prob (gunshot) (tires screeching) Whoa, hang on, hang on! You were saying? Got something.
An old video in Jack and Matty's case file labeled "Incident Report.
" So we're finally gonna see what happened to them? - Mm-hmm.
- Jackpot.
Or Jack-and-Matty-pot.
(chuckles) - Yeah, I'll work on that one.
- Okay.
(clicks tongue) This isn't a video file.
It's loading a video chat.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, n Well, this is disappointing.
- Matty - We can explain.
I expected you two to go pawing through my past weeks ago to find this file.
You planted a fake video? You knew what we were up to this whole time? Very little goes on around here without me knowing about it, Bozer.
And when agents get distracted, missions go badly.
Case in point: while you two have been busy violating the Espionage Act, Mac and Jack seem to have gotten themselves in trouble.
Again.
So get your butts upstairs now.
Okay.
- Let's go, Slick.
- Ooh, Billy, what is that cologne you're wearing? Is that that eau de toilet stuff? - That toilet cologne? - Look, watch it, Tex.
Well, I'm just saying.
You-you smell fantastic.
This ain't what you want.
- You know what, - Okay, okay.
I'll take Yosemite Sam.
You make sure the Boy Scout can't get loose.
- Hands behind your back.
- Yosemite Sam? Turn around.
Ooh, ooh.
Put your hands behind your back.
Ah! I can tell you've done this before.
It's my favorite part of the job.
Get your feet out.
- Oh, come on, the feet, too? - Yep.
Seriously, Billy, why do you smell like a pooper? - You got one more time.
- Okay.
If Mama ever sees either of you again, you're both gonna get more than a slice of pie, so stay put, huh? Ooh, the rough stuff.
I like that.
You're really sweet.
Cute, too.
(engines revving) Okay, if I can pry one of these things out, these bars, maybe I can use it as a lever.
A lever to do what, man? Just use this.
(chuckles) - Where did you get that? - I swiped it off of Billy when I was pissing him off out there.
- You like that? - Wait, you know what? - You hold it, I'll dial.
- Yeah, yeah.
There you go.
And you say I get distracted.
That was a pretty cool move right there.
Uh, well, last I checked, we were zip-tied in the back of a horse trailer while the Coltons got away with Deckard.
And, oh, yeah, you were the last one driving.
Big deal.
You've driven us into trouble before.
- You've driv you've - Whatever this is with you and Matty, - you got to fix it.
- Matty? What is the wh-why are we talking about Matty? I don't want to talk about Matty right now, dude.
(line ringing) Mac, this problem between me and Matty will never be fixed.
Do you understand me? MATTY: Well, this is going well.
Uh, hey, Matty! Uh we're-we're a little tied up right now.
Why do I get the feeling that you're not speaking figuratively? Do you at least still have Deckard? - Well, that's a funny story - Hilarious.
Oh, I can't wait to hear all about it, but right now I'm a little busy sending in Riley, Bozer, and a team of Phoenix agents to do what you guys couldn't.
(mouths) It's been a slice.
That's great.
That's-that's really great.
- Hey.
- Hmm? - It's not over.
- Mm.
Yeah, it is for me.
Might as well just set me on fire, man.
Seriously, how many more times do you think this woman's gonna keep letting me off the hook? And now what's happened? I'll tell you.
I've let her down.
Again.
So appreciate you just (grunts) just light the match and throw it on top.
(clicks tongue) I know our conversation with Matty didn't exactly go as planned, but didn't you want to try and use Billy's phone to call somebody else to come and free us? I figured just use the phone itself to free us.
(sighs) Circuit boards (grunts) are just pieces of copper laminated onto a non-conductive substrate, like fiberglass.
Which means it can be sanded down into a blade.
A knife.
High fives.
Come and cut me loose.
(grunts) Ow, ow! Now, hang on a second, now.
I'd like to keep all the blood inside of my body.
My bad.
- Oh, man.
- Yeah.
(hisses) Feels like we've been running forever, man.
You sure the gas station you saw was in this direction? - Yeah.
- Huh? 'Cause, I mean, I don't, I don't mind running.
I just don't want to go in the wrong way.
Look, maybe it's a good time to start talking about Matty.
How many times do I have to tell you this? I screwed up.
She saved my ass.
And she took a real personal hit in the meantime.
It's not pretty, Mac.
It's not something that can just be fixed with "I'm sorry.
" Here's your trouble: "I'm sorry" doesn't fix anything.
It just starts the conversation.
Okay, can we just hurry up and steal a car or something? We can commandeer one.
If you can keep up.
I'll probably beat you there, so you might want to get running! (engine starts) - Hey! Hey! - Go, go, go, go! - What are y'all doing?! - Go, go, go! Get out of my truck! Come back here! - JACK: I'll bring it back! I promise! - Stop! Breathe, baby.
Just breathe.
Have a bite of pie, and tell Mama what's going on.
He said he was an investment advisor.
I didn't know he was a con man.
Bastard ran off with all the money I saved for our honeymoon.
MAMA: Honeymoon? (gasps) Congratulations.
Thank you.
(chuckles) I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
Yeah, I-I played hard to get at first.
I'd only give her my phone number one digit at a time.
But eventually, - she won me over.
- (chuckles) Funny - that's not how I remember it, dear.
- (chuckles) - Well, you know you have a bad memory.
- (laughs): Oh.
Yes.
So I'm assuming y'all have gone to the police? And the FBI.
They say there's nothing they can do.
Well, you come to the right place.
So tell me all you know about this lying sack of taters.
(phone vibrating) (water running) MAMA: Well, Mr.
and Mrs.
Wilson, I think we've got everything we need to get started.
Oh, and, uh, he has a little freckle, like, uh, like, right here on his hand.
- Looks like Delaware, only smaller.
- I just They're professionals, dear.
Let them do their thing, okay? - Ah, whatever you say, snookie-ookums.
- (laughs) Muffin.
(laughs) Newlyweds.
Newlyweds.
We're still working on the pet names.
Please let us know as soon as you find him, and thank you so much for your help.
Oh, you're very welcome, baby, and don't you worry.
Mama always gets her man.
Oh, after you Pookie-Wookie.
Okay.
(laughs) Bye.
MAMA: Bye-bye.
(quietly): I want a divorce.
(door bells jingle) Find out who they really are.
What happened to our original cover story? You know, the one where we were roommates who got swindled.
Yeah.
I called an audible.
Newlyweds just felt right in the moment.
You know, I'm very method.
That's what happens when you work with a classically-trained actor.
You took a six-hour workshop on acting for infomercials.
- And I read that Stella Adler book.
- Oh, yeah? Is that where you learned to run your mouth so much? Mama almost realized we were conning her.
Well, let's get out of here before they run our I.
D.
s and figure out who we really are.
- Ain't nobody gonna oh! - Oh! (muffled grunting) (gasping) Oh, man.
Whatever happened to "psst"? - Doesn't anyone "psst" anymore? - We couldn't risk you making a noise.
- Be here all day.
- Guys, where's Deckard? RILEY: Gone.
While we were distracting the Coltons, our tac team ran in and grabbed him.
- He's on the way to exfil now.
- Hey, mission accomplished, homeboy.
Up top! - (vehicles approaching) - Ooh, no.
Up-top homeboy.
Who's in the bulletproof SUVs? (tires screech) That's Armin Morsofian.
- Deckard's old boss? - Yeah.
Wait.
The Coltons were never gonna hand Deckard over to a government agency.
They were hired by the Armenians.
JACK: Yeah, who were probably gonna put a bullet in Deckard the minute the Coltons hand him over.
So we just saved Deckard's life? Yeah, but we might have just gotten the Coltons killed.
JACK: So, you better come up with a plan.
I can see you're working on something.
You got something? Yeah, what you got? Yeah, I got something.
I'm just not sure it's much of a plan.
(door bells jingle) Hey, everybody.
- (guns clicking) - Oh! How we doing? (chuckles) All right.
Hey, you guys know what to do, right? - We'll be ready.
- Ready for what? I'm not even exactly sure what Mac's doing in there.
JACK: Just follow his instructions.
I am Mac.
I work for Mama.
Sorry, Mama, I got tied up.
Please excuse me for a few minutes.
Talk to my associate.
He's working on another job for us.
I don't know what kind of game you are playing here, but No games.
My people have Deckard.
Well, my clients are not gonna like that.
Your clients are an international crime syndicate.
Once they find out you don't have Deckard, they're going to start shooting.
Well, then, why don't I just tell them you took him? Your family's in danger either way.
Look for yourself, Mama.
12 men, armed to the teeth.
And unless they forgot your $2 million in the car, I don't think they were ever planning on paying you.
Well, failure to render payment breaks their contract, so does your previous offer stand? Consider yourself hired.
Now ask Jesse to go get Deckard.
- Jesse? - Yes, Mama.
Go and fetch Mr.
Morsofian's package.
Excuse the delay.
Can I offer you gentleman a slice of buttermilk pie on the house? No, thank you.
Please.
Just bring us Deckard.
- Is there a problem? - (Jack yelling) JACK: Ah, man, this better work! (tires screeching) JACK: No whammies, no whammies, no whammies, no whammies, no (tires screech) (tires screech) Engines off.
Doors locked.
(laughing) (guns clicking) (men coughing) I would think twice before I pull that trigger.
Mama's Moonshine is, uh, what? - About 150 proof? - 155.
Listen to me, Armin.
One spark from your gun, one muzzle flash from any of the others, and that ethanol vapor you're choking on right now it's gonna turn Mama's Diner into Mama's Barbecue Joint.
Or I can just save you the decision and light you up myself.
(sighs) AGENT: Let's go.
Hey, keep walking.
Hey, Mama.
Uh, I know I screwed up, and now I almost got us all killed.
I-I guess what I'm trying to tell you I'm sorry.
(clicks tongue) It's all right, son.
Well, y'all broke my no-lying rule six ways to Sunday, now, didn't you? Yes, but it was for a good cause.
Well, I don't rightly care about the cause as much as I do getting paid.
So, will that be cash or credit? He's gonna have to talk to our boss before you get paid.
It's actually a conversation I'm looking forward to.
In the meantime, lots of buttermilk pie.
- Ah.
- (laughing) Well, all things considered, it wasn't too bad working with you two.
But I will tell you one thing.
If you ever steal my mark again, oh, there will be hell to pay.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Yeah.
- Excuse me? - Oh.
Thank you.
You're a real pain in the ass, you know that? (laughs) It's, uh, not the first time I've heard that.
But that thing you did in there? (laughs) Not bad.
I've never seen nobody turn a diner into a weapon before.
BOZER (laughs): Yeah.
You should see what he can do - with shoe strings and bubblegum.
- (laughter) All right, we'll see y'all later.
Okay.
Man, I kind of want to stay - and kick it with the Coltons.
- Mm.
- I think Jack wants to be a Colton.
- (chuckles) Jack's not cool enough to be a Colton.
Yeah, 'cause I hang out with you nerds.
Don't touch me.
JACK: So aside from one or two teenie, weenie hiccups along the way, I'd call that mission a total success.
Well, of course you would, Jack, 'cause you're not the one that has to explain to Oversight why Phoenix is on the hook for a $4 million bounty to the Coltons.
Well, what can I tell you, Matty? Heavy is the head that wears the crown.
Get out of here.
All of you.
Hey, Matty? Think we need to talk for a minute.
I didn't even know what buttermilk pie was until today.
Now I never want to stop eating it.
Looks like I'll be calling Mama and placing an order for the missus.
If you call me one more of those stupid pet names You guys gave each other pet names? We did not give each other pet names.
He gave me, like, a dozen Well, I got to hear those.
And that's an order.
I'm kidding.
We're off the clock.
So, stop pet-naming Riley and cut me a slice of this pie that Jack won't stop yapping about.
Get in there.
I'm guessing the apology went well.
Well, a wise man once told me that "I'm sorry" only starts the conversation.
So who's ready for another game of truth or dare? (groans) I love truth or dare.
- Oh, you do? - Yeah, I do.
That's great, 'cause there, for a second, I thought tonight wasn't gonna get super duper awkward.
Oh, it's gonna get very awkward - for you, Dalton.
- Oh, for everybody.
I know all your secrets, remember? So I'll know whether you're telling the truth or not.
All right, well, I'll go dare all night.
Bring it.
Bust out the hot sauce.