Man with a Plan (2016) s01e16 Episode Script

Okay, the Burns Brothers Construction website is live now.
- Yeah! - All right.
Well, it's been live for a while, but I thought this way would be more dramatic.
And it was.
(chuckling): Oh This is great, Lowell.
I love the pictures.
Hey, thanks for making my arm muscles so big.
Fun fact, those are Hulk Hogan's arms.
Why did you give Don a handlebar mustache? Well, I asked for that.
It makes me look like a riverboat gambler.
Oh.
I think it makes you look like a '70s porn star.
(laughs) I like that better.
Uh, hey, I meant to ask.
Sunday night, how about you and Andi have dinner with me and Jen? Who's Jen? Your parrot? - No, she's my wife.
- Oh.
Adam, I don't know if you know this, but I consider you a role model, a mentor, a hero.
Andi, you hear that? You're married to a hero.
(exhales proudly) It would really mean a lot to me if you guys got to be friends with Jen.
Well, I can't believe we might actually meet your wife.
I mean, I've known you three years, I've never seen her once.
Yeah, she travels a lot for work, but she's in town right now.
Uh-huh.
And by travels, you mean flies around like a parrot? (laughs) No, she's not a bird, Don.
All right, all right, all right, Lowell, let's speak freely.
Okay, is there a chance that at dinner, you will excuse yourself and go upstairs and come back down in a dress calling yourself Jen? Huh? (Don and Adam laugh) - Like-like a Mrs.
Doubtfire thing.
- Yeah.
Jen exists.
She's not a parrot, she's not Mrs.
Doubtfire.
I've never had to say any of this.
Lowell, we're sorry.
We would love to have dinner with you guys.
Uh, why don't you come over Sunday night? I'll make a lasagna.
Yeah, maybe pull the blinds over the windows so she doesn't fly into the glass.
(laughs) She's not a bird, Don.
Thank you.
Yeah, I'm vouching for you here, so I'm gonna look like an idiot if you walk in the door with your wife on your shoulder.
All right, Lowell and Jen'll be here any minute.
I got three bottles of wine.
Do you think that's enough? I have no idea.
I mean, we don't know who or what is gonna come through that front door with Lowell.
I mean, we've never seen Jen.
Yeah.
There's got to be a reason.
- Yeah.
- Maybe she's really old.
You know? Like, uh, Granny from The Beverly Hillbillies.
- Hey, I could see Granny marrying Lowell.
- Yeah.
Look, how-how late do you think this thing is gonna go? 'Cause I got a very important date with taking off my pants and watching TV.
I am way ahead of you on that.
Katie's gonna come down around 9:30 and say she's not feeling well.
End the night gracefully.
Nice.
Nice.
We'll sick-kid 'em.
I mean, we spent a lot of money on these kids, it's time to get some use out of 'em.
Right? (doorbell rings) Hi, everybody.
This is Jen.
He's alone.
It's happening.
No, she's coming right behind me.
Oh, hi.
Dad, my birthday wish came true.
And that's when I realized I couldn't be a swimsuit model forever.
So I opened my own agency.
- You were a model? - Mm-hmm.
I-I can see that.
Sure, sure.
Not to brag, but she was the first one to say "Why do we only show cleavage from the front? Why can't we show some from the side?" You invented side-boob? So how-how come we never see you around school? Well, I travel a lot for work.
And I hate to miss that stuff.
You know how it is when you're a working mom.
You always feel guilty about something.
I do know that.
Oh, my God.
I love her.
She gets me.
Just like I get you, Adam.
This doesn't seem fair.
So how did you two meet? Like, what place are you two people both going? It's actually a pretty romantic story.
We were in the Peace Corps, building schools in the Amazon.
What the what? The Amazon? One day, we were deep in the jungle and I fell and broke my ankle.
And Lowell carried me two miles back to camp.
You carried her? Wait, this really happened? Pick her up right now.
And this sweet, caring man spent hours with me each day while I recovered.
She would sleep and I would just watch her.
First woman I ever dated who didn't find that disturbing.
So anyway, just before I was sent home, Lowell made me this little house out of twigs that he wove together to represent the home we would live in someday.
And that sealed the deal.
L.
L.
W.
Ladies love weaving.
So that's our story.
How did you two meet? Uh, it was, uh, kind of a similar situation.
Yeah, there was an injury.
Uh, Andi got thrown off a mechanical bull.
And I treated the pain with, uh, tequila.
L.
L.
T.
Ladies love tequila.
(both laugh) Mom, Dad, I'm not feeling very well.
Yeah, yeah, just go to sleep.
But Mom told me to come down here No, I didn't.
No, I didn't.
No, uh-uh.
Nope.
No.
Love you.
Off you go.
Teenagers.
(scoffs) Um, so why don't you guys go into the living room and, uh, we'll bring in some coffees? - Yeah.
- I'll help.
Okay.
(clears throat) ANDI: Wow, Lowell, she's so great.
I mean, who knew you were such a secret stud? (chuckles) Thanks.
I still have a lot to learn from Adam.
I'm not sure you do.
Well, I'm glad you guys like her.
(Adam chuckles) Wow.
We have a cool new friend couple.
I know, I can't believe we were gonna sick-kid them.
No, we were gonna sick-kid Lowell and Lowell in a dress.
Now, let's get in there and party with our new friends.
We might even stay up past 10:00.
Ooh.
- Like we almost did on New Year's Eve.
- Yeah.
Where you guys going? Oh, I'm so sorry.
We just got a text from our babysitter that our daughter isn't feeling well.
So we have to go.
You have a sick kid? Yeah.
She probably has the same thing Kate does.
Oh.
I'm sure she has exactly the same thing Kate does.
- (Andi chuckles) - Thanks for everything.
Nice to meet you guys.
- ANDI: You, too.
- Bye-bye.
Okay, bye-bye.
You know what just happened.
Yeah.
They sick-kidded us.
(scoffs) (sighs) You still want to stay up till 10:00? Well, not if it's just us.
So, Lowell's wife is a hottie, huh? She's all right.
Oh, come on.
All right, she's smokin'.
(laughing): Yeah.
And-and and she's past the kind of hot that makes you mad.
You just you just want to give her presents.
I How do you think he pulled that off? Well, I know what it is.
Lowell smells like a baby and women love babies.
That's as good an explanation as any.
So are you guys gonna hang out with those guys again? Probably not.
They sick-kidded us.
- Ooh.
- Ooh, that's rough, man.
Yeah, I mean, I was all set for a night of partying and then it was just me wandering around the house in my robe, looking for my reading glasses.
- And they were on my head.
- Yeah.
Well, looks like you guys are the number two - couple now.
(chuckles) - Yeah.
- Just like we usually are.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, what are you talking about? Oh, come on.
When we hang out, you guys are the number one couple and we're number two.
That's not true.
And you don't rank couples.
You rank colleges and football teams, and, secretly, your kids.
You know how it is.
When we go to the movies, you get the aisle seats, you get to choose the candy.
Raisinets? What are you guys, 70? I like Raisinets.
- Me, too.
- Yeah, what's wrong with that? You know you can buy your own candy, right? Babe, maybe we should get together with Lowell and Jen.
No, no, no.
We call dibs.
Dibs have been called.
Everybody heard it.
Well, your dibs have no meaning since they pretended to have a sick kid just to get away from you.
Wha no, no, no, no.
We don't know for sure they were pretending.
Their daughter might have actually been sick.
Yeah, kids get sick.
- It happens all the time.
- Yeah.
It's just funny to watch you guys get all bent out of shape being somebody's number two.
(chuckles) We are not number two.
Yeah, and I'll prove it to you.
I'm doing school pickup tomorrow and I guarantee you - their daughter is gonna be out sick.
- Yeah.
ADAM: Yeah and when that little girl is sick, we are gonna laugh and laugh.
Well, you know what I mean.
(knocks on door) Hey, butterbean.
Hey, Mrs.
Rodriguez.
How's it going? How's your, uh whatever you have? What do you want, Burns? Well, uh, I was just wondering, uh, was Lowell's daughter in school today? Lucy? Well, I don't know.
Sure, let's say Lucy.
Yeah, she was here.
What? And she seemed okay? No sniffles? No.
- Cough? - No.
Pox of any kind? Yeah, she was fine.
- What's going on? - Nothing.
I just We were at dinner with Lowell and Jen the other night.
And they said their daughter was sick and left early.
(laughs) You got sick-kidded.
(laughs) See, that's when people make up that I know what it is.
Well? She's perfectly healthy.
Son of a bitch! I can't believe Lowell and Jen would lie about having a sick kid just so they wouldn't have to hang out with us.
I know, it seemed clever when we thought of it, but just hurtful when they did it.
You know what this is? They think we're boring.
Us? Boring? (chuckles) Do boring people go to Orlando? I don't (chuckles) I'm just saying, we don't do all the stuff we used to do when we were younger.
Well, we're not as limber as we were back then.
You know? I mean, - with my back, I can't get around - No, no, no, not that stuff.
No! This is just it this is a wake-up call.
Oh, I hate wake-up calls.
Well, I mean, come on, when we were 26, we were super cool.
I mean, we used to hang out at bars, and-and go to concerts, and stay awake for the end of movies.
I mean, did Matt Damon ever get off Mars? We don't know.
I mean, when-when was the last time we went to, I don't know, a play? Last spring.
Harlem Globetrotters.
That's not a play.
Good defeats evil, it's like the oldest story there is.
Just doesn't last night make you wonder if I don't know, we've slipped a little? Come on, who cares if we've slipped a little? Huh? The whole point of being married is that we don't have to do interesting things anymore.
This is the time of our lives to just stay home and eat.
Hmm? We're fine, okay? Okay.
Well, then why did Lowell and Jen bail on us? I don't know.
I guess we were expecting Granny Clampett, so we half-assed the dinner.
Oh, my God, you're right.
We didn't bring our A game.
I mean, obviously, we can do better, right? Well, of course we can.
We're fun.
We're Andi and Adam, damn it.
Hell yeah, we are, we're interesting.
Yeah hey, hey! Hey.
Terry Bradshaw tried to sleep with you on a plane.
(scoffs) How did we not tell that story? Because Jen was like a flash grenade, you know? We were stunned.
The lady invented side-boob.
I mean, what kind of boob did we invent? None.
Well, I accidentally invented one in and one out on a roller coaster.
Right, right, when you flashed that church group at Six Flags.
Yeah.
Yeah, another good story.
Yeah.
Okay, you know what? Here's what we're gonna do: I'm gonna make some of my famous ginger chicken soup, and we're gonna casually swing by their place, and drop it off for their fake sick kid.
Nice, yeah, and they'll have to invite us in because that's what you do.
Yeah, and-and-and we'll be charming, and we'll-we'll give them our stories, the Terry Bradshaw mile high club and the roller coaster peek-a-boo.
Yeah, yeah well, wait, how will we know if we turned this thing around? Because they'll want to make plans with us again.
We get the plans, Adam and Andi are back.
(chuckles) Where are you going? To the store, I don't have time to make soup.
- Hey! - Hi, there! Hey, guys.
Um, I-I made some soup - for your sick daughter.
- Yeah, honey, didn't you get the recipe for that soup from Terry Bradshaw when he tried to sleep with you on an airplane? Yeah, that is where I got it, yeah.
(chuckles) I've got to hear the end of that story.
Come on in.
Wait, that is the end of the story, there's no more story.
I don't know, maybe just say you slept with him.
Come on.
Can I get you guys a drink? I'm just muddling some limes.
Oh, what'd they ever do to you? (all laugh) - Stick to the stories.
- Yeah, okay.
Oh, hey, uh, Jen, is that the house Lowell made for you? - Yeah.
- That's really impressive.
Oh, wow.
You know, uh, Adam made a people-sized house all by himself when he was only 22.
- Really? - Yeah.
And it fell down by the time he was 23.
Don? Marcy? I was just giving them a tour and we heard your voices.
We thought it'd be fun to reach out to new friends.
You know, who might like - different movie candy.
- Mm-hmm.
That's a very specific thing to look for in a friend.
Lowell, let's take this soup in the kitchen and we'll bring out coffee and desserts for everyone.
- Oh, that's sweet, Jen.
- Oh, that's so nice.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
(laughing): Okay.
What are you doing here? We had dibs.
They disregarded our dibs.
Listen, you need to leave so that Lowell and Jen can see what an interesting couple Andi and I are.
We are not leaving, you guys had your chance - and you screwed the pooch.
- Mm-hmm.
What Whoa, I wouldn't say we screwed the pooch.
I mean, if anything, we just we-we underwhelmed the pooch.
Marcy, Don's only here so he can see how hot Jen is.
That's why I'm here, too.
Us hot people, we like to check each other out.
We're just looking around for new couple friends since, well, you guys made it pretty clear the other night - what you really think of us.
- Yeah.
You guys said all that.
Yeah, you didn't disagree.
No, we did disagree.
Yeah, but, you know, - we didn't believe you.
- Yeah.
And we thought, if we're number two, then we should upgrade and be number two with them.
Yeah, us number twos are scrappy.
- We're survivors.
- Yeah.
Oh, they invited us to take a trip with them to see the wildflowers.
(gasps) They took our plans.
- We're number three! - No.
Okay, honey, this is ridiculous.
All right? We don't need other people to make us feel good about ourselves.
We're Adam and Andi.
- Yeah.
- Right? I mean, Terry Bradshaw, or a man that looked somewhat like him, hit on me once.
- Wait, you're saying it wasn't actually - Oh, not now! You're right, you're right, let's just go say our good-byes.
Yeah, and the most important thing is that we leave here with our dignity.
(chuckles) Yeah.
Hey, hi.
Oh, you don't need to weld our desserts.
We're, uh, we're taking off.
What? No.
Yeah, well, we don't want to impose.
I mean, you know what they say: multiples of two is company, and multiples of three is a crowd.
(awkward laugh) But we don't want you to go.
Let me rephrase that, I'm begging you not to go.
Look, Don and Marcy are lovely people.
They're delightful, but Don looks at me like we're stranded in a cartoon boat and I'm a giant turkey leg.
And Marcy keeps asking why Jen is with me.
Like, over and over.
It's starting to hurt my feelings.
That's terrible.
What'd you say? - (slaps leg) - Ah! But you made plans to go see the wildflowers with them.
I didn't.
I said we're driving up to see the wildflowers and Don yelled "Shotgun" I just, I I thought you didn't like us very much.
What gave you that idea? Well, because the other night, you said Lucy was sick and And then she was in school today, so No, it's our little one, Zoe, she has a cold.
(gasps) I forgot they had a second kid.
I just got goose bumps.
But you knew someone was sick or you wouldn't have made soup.
And what kind of person would make up a sick child to get out of something? (both laughing nervously) I have no idea.
So it's settled.
You'll stay? And you'll come with us to see the wildflowers? Uh.
sounds like a plan.
(chuckles) Wildflowers with my hero.
I'm going to scrapbook the dickens out of this.
If it doesn't have glitter and a decorative border, it didn't happen.
- Memories.
- Memories.
(Lowell and Adam chuckle) Ah.
They make sense now.
She's weird, too.
Yeah, but all I heard is we have plans and we are back.
- (chuckles) - Feels good.
(laughter) What a lovely evening.
Yes, you are.
Yes, it was.
You are.
Well, this was fun.
But you two, I still don't get it.
(laughs) Because we're soul mates.
Deep breath.
Four, five.
(chuckles) Jen, I'll get everyone's coats.
Why don't you check on Zoe? Okay.
So are you guys still mad? I didn't like that you had alone time with them in the kitchen.
Look, we're sorry we made you feel like number twos, all right? We'll-we'll work on that.
Yeah, we don't want to fight with you guys.
You're family and you're our best friends.
Well, I'm sure some of it was our fault.
I mean, I don't really, but I said it, and that's what counts.
So Lowell, huh? (all scoff) And I can't believe he built this house.
I know, pretty cool, huh? I mean, look at the detail.
Every corner is perfect.
- Oh, my gosh! - (all yelling) Oh! Whoa! Oh, uh oh.
- No, no, no! - Okay.
Ah.
- Adam! - Ah.
Oh, here, here, here, here.
Here.
Geez.
(Marcy and Don sigh in relief, Andi spits) Oh (spits) Adam, what did you do? - ANDI: Wait, where are you going? - We got to go, our kid's sick! - (door closes) - What a couple of number twos! Oh, my.
Uh, I'm not gonna say who did it, but ask yourself, who just ran out the door? It's-it's okay.
Actually, uh, I didn't weave it, I bought it from a street vendor in Peru.
That guy was talented.
What I wove was the story that went along with the house.
Oh.
What are you gonna tell Jen? I'll tell her Don burned it and I'll be free from the shackles of this lie forever.
Just promise me you'll keep my secret.
Uh, it's okay, Lowell, everyone has secrets.
Andi's famous ginger chicken soup? We bought it at a gas station.
It was really just chicken soup that we poured ginger ale into.
- I'd throw it out.
- Yeah.