M*A*S*H (MASH) s01e16 Episode Script

Hey, Major.
Let me see that X ray, will you? Yeah, right.
Okay.
All right.
Thank you.
Thank you! Come on, you little bugger.
Ah! Got ya.
Thanks to my experience as pickup-sticks champion of southern Maine.
Now you can identify us to your lawyer.
Uh, can I have that bullet, Doc? A souvenir.
I had a buy-back deal with the sniper, but all right.
Well, little thing like this is not gonna kick me off the line.
Frank, that's Colonel Buzz Brighton! I saw his picture in Stars and Stripes.
- Ooh, a colonel.
- Yeah.
I didn't realize that we were carving on a full bird.
Instead of a local, we should have used something imported.
Ah, you save that stuff for the sick guys.
Listen, I'm not kiddin'.
When that local wears off, you're gonna feel something.
Why don't you come by the swamp later for some homemade painkiller? - The swamp? - Yeah, our tent.
- It's lovely.
-Just knock on the "condemned" sign and come in.
Careful, Major.
Somebody's liable to trip over your tongue.
Ooh! Wow.
That's great gin.
- That's because it's aged.
- Been cooking since 8:00 this morning.
- Can I get you a refill? - No, no, I'll get it.
Listen, Buzz, you better use this cane.
- You don't want to overwork that leg.
- I don't want to baby it either.
You don't think this is the first slug I've picked up, do you? I noticed you got more stitches in your butt than a sampler.
All right, come on, fellas.
When can I get back to my men? Couple of days.
You gotta take it easy.
Mental rest is important too.
Look, don't put me in the same league with the battle fatigue phonies.
That's just another way of yelling chicken, in my book.
I've heard of anxiety and overexposure to stress.
But I don't believe Freud ever mentioned "chicken.
" Do you, Doctor? I believe once, in describing his mother's soup.
[ Laughing .]
Look, all I wanna do is get back to my outfit.
This war is not gonna wait just because I'm sidetracked.
I'll bet it got slowed down a little though, didn't it? Every time you get a wild hair and yell "charge," our surgery here's standing room only.
Ah, casualties are part of the game.
If it costs you a few good men to take a hill, that's the price you gotta pay.
Some real estate doesn't come cheap.
Well, to be honest, we're not too hot for your business.
Taking care of your outfit is a bit like making a house call at Custer's last stand.
You know, you guys are really civilians.
Right down to our yellow belly buttons.
Now, you got your whole life to perfect your trade.
I'm an army officer, and this war, you know, is not gonna last forever.
Well, no war is perfect.
The way I look at it is I only got a certain amount of time to knock off a couple of thousand gooks, turn a lot of boys into men and make a few points for myself.
With a little time left over to divide the Red Sea.
I'll leave that for the marines.
Ohh! Well, thanks for the hooch.
I shall go out and get myself a little exercise here.
I'll see you.
Right.
What do you say we put him to sleep and put the bullet back in his leg? Oh, he's a beauty.
- We got us a real ringbanger here.
- A what banger? Didn't you see the way he kept banging his ring on the chair? Yeah.
Little reminder that he's a quarterback in this war, we're just water boys.
I got a feeling he wouldn't be so tall if he weren't standing on so many bodies.
What do you say we try to keep Buzz around for a while? I got the information you guys wanted.
You're a model of industry and sneakiness.
My friend at Walter Reed says that Brighton's physicals have been perfect.
Let me see that.
That's disgusting.
This guy is so fit, he'll be in good health two years after he's dead.
Look at this West Point info.
Guess what he broke.
- His back.
- His front.
The all-time record for never being on sick call.
Terrific.
And will you look at this? The guy's racked up twice as many casualties as any other regimental commander while only gaining half the ground.
I think this guy oughta come out of the game for a little while.
Why don't we gift wrap a few dysentery germs for him? - Is Colonel Blake in? - Uh, no, sir.
He's in his tent, sir.
Good morning, Frank.
Wouldn't you like to know? The problem is in Buzz's mind.
That's where we oughta strike.
Little homemade battle fatigue.
A karate chop to his reality.
What are you guys building? Even if I knew, I wouldn't tell you.
- But, sir- - Oh! Ouch! Oh, my ear! Is there any blood? - For Pete's sake, sir.
You're a doctor.
- Listen, Frank.
I could paint a barn with someone else's blood.
I just can't stand to see my own.
I was right there in the operating room.
It was a simple excision of a bullet from his thigh.
No postop infection, no evidence of a fracture, no reason to still be here, except that maybe he's become a drinking buddy of Pierce and Mclntyre.
Last night, they filled a bucket with gin and were bobbing for olives.
You wanted to see me, Lieutenant? I'm just leaving to pick up those supplies in Seoul, Colonel.
Would you like to approve my requisition? I certainly would.
- Excuse me, Frank.
- Of course.
[ Clears Throat .]
Make sure the sardines are boneless and the peanut butter's chunky.
If they're out of cheese balls, get some smoked oysters.
Can I kiss your ear and make it better? Not in front of, uh, EIJerkorino.
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir! Fine.
Carry on, Lieutenant.
Now then, Frank- About Colonel Brighton, sir, Pierce and Mclntyre might be deliberate- [ Giggling .]
Frank Burns is giving Henry a hard time about your patient, Colonel Brighton.
Oh, yeah? Well, thanks, Leslie.
There'll be a little something under your pillow.
Me.
- If you're unhappy, examine Brighton.
- I can? - How can I ever thank you, sir? - Try leaving.
Yes, sir! [ Man .]
Will the owner of a red pickup truck, Illinois license LU6751, please fly back to Chicago and remove it from in front of the "Y.
" - Buzz.
- Forty-nine, fifty.
[ Sighs .]
I feel great.
- I was afraid of that.
- Absence of pain.
Could be an inflammation of the femur.
- That could cause parathesias.
- Or thrombophlebitis.
With an extension of the femoral vessels resulting in a pulmonary embolism.
- What? - X rays don't lie, Buzz.
Buzz, look, we've been going over your whole history.
We think we should keep you around for a week for observation.
- No way.
- Buzz, look, it's the best thing to do.
No way.
They'll put someone else in charge of my outfit.
We've considered that possibility.
Look, do you mind if I get a second opinion, talk to Colonel Blake? - Henry? - Yeah.
That's a good idea.
He's terrific if you catch him early enough in the day.
What do you mean? Well, he slips away once in a while and- [ Gulping .]
Oh, a boozer, huh? You don't have to whisper.
Everybody knows.
- It's a tragedy really.
- Yeah, yeah.
See, Henry, uh, Henry could have been head surgeon at Walter Reed, but, um, he was swacked when he did an appendectomy on a general's wife.
It was a hell of a way to take out her adenoids.
What about, uh- what's-his-name? - Burns.
He's a major.
- Yeah.
No offense, but you guys are just captains, aren't you? - I get your point.
- Yeah.
Yeah, Frank is a terrific officer and a great doctor.
That's good enough for me.
That other thing doesn't matter at all.
No.
What other thing? - Well, uh- - You don't think- - I don't think we should say.
- No, I don't- - I mean, he never actually got caught.
- That's right.
Doing what? It's not Frank's fault he showed up in an air raid in high heels.
- Do you mean that he's a- - But a fine doctor.
And a great nurse.
A major? - Drop by later for a drink? - What? Oh, yeah.
Colonel Brighton.
- I've been looking all over for you.
- Oh? I wanna give you a checkup, see what we can do about getting you on your way.
Uh-huh.
Just let me get comfy here.
Whose are those? Pierce and Mclntyre, they're always bringing nurses in here.
Degenerates.
You think that they're degenerates, huh? It really makes no never mind.
Now I want to feel your leg.
It feels fine.
- What are you trying to do? - Take your pulse.
Can't you do it without touching me? - Well, Colonel, I- - Now, look, forget it.
Good afternoon, Colonel.
Your laundry, sir.
Thank you.
I- This stuff belongs to Colonel Blake.
A little small for him, don't you think? They're not his.
No, they belong to a nurse friend of his.
Another one of those degenerates, right? I didn't say that, Colonel.
I- Hey, what do you say, Buzz? How's it going? I just had a close call with that Burns character.
- Boy, you sure were right about him.
- I'm sorry.
- You've gotta get me out of here.
- We're doing the best we can.
What you don't understand is any time a body has been opened surgically, there's a shock to the system, kind of a head lag.
Although your thigh is fine, because you're not suffering any leg lag.
-How long do you figure? Couple of days? -Oh, tops.
- Until you're really yourself again.
- I am myself! What are you talking about? Buzz, uh, where are you going? - I'm going to my tent.
- This is your tent.
No, this is my tent here.
I remember it because that's where the P.
A.
speaker- Was.
[ Clears Throat .]
- You'll be okay.
- That Burns character really got to me.
See, Buzz, this is your sack, - and here is all your gear.
- Yeah, right.
[ Hawkeye .]
Take it easy, Buzz, huh? Yeah, why don't you lie down a while? You know, rest.
Come on.
You got no place to go.
Relax.
Finish your milk.
[ Buzz .]
What milk? The milk you made such a fuss about getting this morning.
Oh.
See you later, Buzz.
Take a nice nap, okay? Can we go to your tent, please? I've got something I want you to see.
They all break in the end.
You'll, uh- You'll have to excuse how the place looks.
Yeah, the painters really left a mess.
I've just gone over Colonel Brighton's file.
X rays, the works.
He's 100 percent fit.
Why are you keeping him here? Look, do you want us to ruin this guy's career? Put down what's really wrong with him on his record? - Is that what you want? - What are you talking about? What am I talking about? What am I talking about? Well, um, sometimes a little wound can trigger a bigger problem beneath the surface.
That's what I'm talking about.
Buzz Brighton has lost all confidence in himself, not just as an officer, as a man.
This morning there were tears on his pillow.
The bigger they are, you know.
More than once they found Patton sobbing inside his tank.
I never dreamed.
Everybody thinks he's a tower of strength.
But inside that colonel, there's a private who needs to be cuddled and held just like the rest of us.
Ah, nobody cares.
I want to thank you both for setting me straight.
[ Whistling .]
[ Water Spraying .]
Hey, Frank.
Want me to do your back? No, thanks, Mr.
Wisenheimer.
Hey, we got a poker game scheduled in the swamp tonight, but we'll try to be finished by the time you get back.
I know you like your beauty rest.
Oh, I'm not going anywhere tonight.
Thought you had a date with Hot Lips- uh, Major Houlihan.
- I do not.
- I saw her getting all spiffed up.
I thought you two were gonna tiptoe through the minefield.
- Spiffed up? - Yeah, you know, hairdos, nail polish.
Never mind.
What the major does is her own business.
After all, her affairs are her own affairs.
Not that I mean to imply that she has any.
I don't go sticking my nose into her hairdos.
And you would do very well to keep your stories to yourself and mind your own beeswax! Take it easy, Frank.
You're getting yourself into a lather.
-Margaret, who are you seeing and where? -Frank, what's wrong? It's him, isn't it? Buzz.
You got one look at his thigh and went crazy.
Frank! What- Just because someone is strong and muscular.
You're a pushover for powerfully built guys like us.
- It's nothing like that.
- Then why the new hairdo and [ Sniffing .]
and-and the perfume? Frank, don't sniff.
- Oh, Margaret.
- Frank.
You're dripping on my foot.
I was just in the shower- You can't just come in here dripping and sniffing.
Would you promise me that there's nothing between you and the colonel? Nothing, and that's an order.
Oh, Margaret.
Oh, Frank.
You remember the chief nurse, Major Houlihan? - Yeah, the blonde.
- She's gonna check you out.
It's very important.
After we sign your release, she has to sign you out.
- She's a good-lookin' gal.
- Oh! You should see her in a sweater.
She'll melt your helmet line.
And passionate? - Her lips are set at automatic pucker.
- That's very good.
Listen, this should be very interesting.
- She really simmers, our Hot Lips.
- You call her Hot Lips? And not because she's left-handed.
- Thanks for clueing me in.
- Oh, there's only one thing.
She and Colonel Blake, uh- The boozer? Hey, I'm glad you told me.
Uh, where you goin'? I'm going to my, uh tent.
Are you absolutely certain I have to be checked out for small arms proficiency? Yes, sir, it's something new.
Probably on account of the war.
- It's right here in these new orders.
- Oh, never mind.
It just seems funny they say do it at night.
Night fighting, sir.
There's a lot of it these days.
Yeah, but I'm a doctor.
I don't go running- It's necessary if you expect to collect your $325 pistol allowance.
Oh, for that kind of money, I guess I can take a shot in the dark.
- [ Chuckling .]
- Oh, that's probably a joke.
Isn't it, sir? - Anybody home? - What's up, Pierce? Henry, can I keep this bottle in your locker? Nothing's safe in the swamp.
- Yeah, key's in the desk.
- Thank you.
You wouldn't like a shot, would you? It's a little nippy out tonight.
Yes, sir, the temperature's dropped to almost 98.
Well, maybe a wee dram.
Here's looking up your old address.
- Oh.
- Colonel.
I'm Margaret Houlihan.
Uh, nice of you to drop by, Major.
I'm not here as an officer or as a nurse.
I'm here as a woman who sees you not only as a warrior, - but as a man.
- Oh.
[ Grunts .]
Why, thank you.
[ Clears Throat .]
A very exciting man.
[ Tapping .]
Buzz, I want to help you.
Yeah, well, the only help I need, Major, would just get a release so I can get back to the front.
But we want to send you back confident and strong.
-I know you're worried about this thigh.
-Oh.
- You want it as strong as this one.
- Oh.
- Really, Major- - Margaret.
Major Margaret.
Now,just, uh- Nothing to worry about.
I'm not worried.
Just gonna sit here.
I wanna relax and be quiet.
- I know.
- And drink my milk.
Now, this is really the last one, Pierce, because I have got to shoot some targets and I didn't even know they were in season.
Easy.
Easy.
I'm only human.
- You don't have to be human with me.
- [ Knocking .]
Colonel Brighton? It's Frank Burns.
[ Both .]
Why can't he leave me alone? - Colonel.
- [ Whispering .]
Don't say I'm here.
[ Whispering .]
Don't say I'm here.
[ Frank .]
Colonel, are you alone? - He can't keep his hands off of me.
- I know you're in there.
He what? [ Blowing .]
- Time for target practice.
- Let's go, Henry.
Gotta get out there.
Okay.
Don't move, Korea.
This is a stickup.
- See you down the road.
- Okay.
You're due on the range, sir.
Where the deer and the antelope play - #Where seldom is heard # - This way, sir.
- #A discouraging word ## - Yes, sir.
- After you, sir.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
- Margaret! - Oh, Frank.
- Colonel Brighton! - Buzz, be careful.
He's jealous.
Why should he be? I don't belong to him.
You! Ow! Ow.
- What's going on here? - Colonel, I'm sorry.
- I didn't know he was your girl.
- What? I mean, I'm sorry.
I didn't know she was your girl.
- We wanted your advice on reenlisting.
- You're drunk! Oh, that's a dirty lie, and I intend to press charges the minute I'm sober.
Look, Colonel, don't get in a beef just because of me.
- Get your hands off of me! - Thank you, sir.
Keep your hands off of me Everybody, keep your hands off of me.
No examination! I know how I am, and I know where I am.
I'm here.
I am here, and this is my tent because that is my milk.
Yes, sir.
- Henry.
- What? Don't you think you better get out on the range? Me too.
- Oh, Colonel- - Don't shoot! Give him a chance, Henry.
He's half out of his head with battle fatigue.
- Right, Buzz? - Right.
The ambulance is right outside, sir.
- Why don't we go outside to an ambulance? - There's no more time.
Communication is very important.
You men, I'll see in the trenches.
What is the matter with him? - Well, he just needs a little rest.
- Sign this, sir.
Am I signing? - Yes, sir.
- Something good? You're sending Buzz back to the States to cool off for a couple of months.
- He'll need a lot more than that.
- Oh, okay.
Now then, what about the old target practice? - You got eight out of ten, sir.
- I did? You just missed out on your $325 pistol allowance.
Oh, darn it.
-What say we go back to the swamp, hmm? -Yeah, a little nightcap.
I would love to, fellas, but I'm on duty.
Carry on.
You're getting better.
Boy, I live for the day when you guys are out of my life.
Don't let them get to you, Major.
-Just trying to brighten things up.
- Brighten things up? You're maniacs, you and your friend, both of you! I don't know which one of you is sicker.
I'd like just the tip of it off and turned up a little at the end.
You know, the Dick Haynes look.
Oh, you!