S#*! My Dad Says s01e16 Episode Script

Previously on bleep my dad says.
I need to be courted.
- Hey, listen, I've married three times, and each one of them took me to court.
I'm done courting.
- Sign this paper so we can get our speed bump.
- The speed bump is not gonna happen.
- We voted on it.
- I vetoed.
- Why, because I wouldn't sleep with you? My neighbor is a complete ass - Why are you dialing so many numbers? Are you calling China? - I'm texting Vince.
- He's down the block with the dog.
If you wanna get him in here, just crinkle a bag of potato chips.
He'll burst through that door like the kool-aid man.
- We like texting.
We do it all the time.
Well, not anymore in the bathroom.
Camera phones put an end to that.
- I don't know why people wanna communicate all the time.
My mother and father were married for 45 years, and the only time I saw them communicate was when she left a note on his oxygen tank saying, "I'm leaving you.
" - Aw.
We like texting.
We feel like it's another way to connect.
Hey, honey.
- Hey.
- How's my number one boy? - Well, root beer is now banned from the dog park.
- What? What happened? I guess it's okay to bark and it's okay to hump.
But doing both at the same time really freaks people out.
- Dogs have it right.
They don't need words.
They connect just fine.
They don't text.
They don't tell you what a boring day they had at work.
They just sniff each other's asses.
And decide whether they're gonna hump, fight, or go their separate ways.
- Well, ed, maybe you should date a dog.
- Oh, I have.
Lived in Maine for a year.
- Have you shared your dog philosophy with your girlfriend Rosemary? - She's not my girlfriend.
She's my neighbor with benefits.
You know what that means? - Yes.
Yes, unfortunately, I do.
- Well, it's not what you think.
We haven't fornicated.
- Yech! Bleh! Gross.
- What? Not that we don't have fun.
She let's me - Uh, please, no sex talk with your daughter-in-law.
- I'm just saying that when she's in a good mood - No.
Seriously.
Every time you talk about your sex life, I die a little.
- Fine.
I won't say anything.
Except - No! Ed Don't say it.
Don't even hint at it.
- Fine.
I won't hint at it.
Second base.
- My kidneys just shut down.
I just I don't even know why someone would want to be your girlfriend.
- I told you she's not my girlfriend.
- All right, well then how would you describe your relationship? - WellPerky, natural blonde with an ass you can bounce a quarter off of.
And his neighbor Rosemary.
- You guys have been going out for a month.
Isn't it time you decide what to call it? - The moment you give something a name, it's all downhill.
That's what happened to Vince and Henry.
The first four days of their lives, the unnamed goodson boys were geniuses.
- Ah, shoot.
I dropped my cell phone in the garbage disposal.
- Hold on.
Let me turn on the light so we can see.
[Grinding.]
- Doesn't Rosemary wanna know where she stands? - Yeah, she brought that up last night.
Wanted to know if we were dating exclusively.
I said "nope.
" - Well, that must've bummed her out.
- Not really.
'Cause she let me - Dup! Stop, please.
- What? Buy her dinner.
- Oh.
- Before I felt her up.
Don't you think you wanna be just a little more like me oh oh oh adrianocsi you rocks!!!! - Bonnie, come down here.
You gotta see this.
- All right, show me.
- Okay.
There's kibble in the tupperware on the coffee table.
I taught root beer how to open it himself and eat it.
Watch this.
Okay.
Root beer.
Get the kibble.
Get the kibble.
Come on, root beer.
Get the kibble.
He was doing it earlier.
Come on, root beer.
Get the kibble.
Get the kibble.
Get the kibble.
Fine.
[Doorbell rings.]
- Oh, the doorbell.
Vince.
Get the door.
Get the door.
Vince.
Get the door.
- Katie.
What are you doing here? - Can't an ex-boss come visit her former employees? - We'd rather she didn't.
- May I come in? - We'd rather she didn't.
- I think you're going to want to hear what I have to say.
I realize that I might have been kind of a harsh boss.
- Kind of a harsh b You put gum in my hair.
And and you hit Vince with a fly swatter when he lost a sale.
- Well, I couldn't put gum in his hair.
And you don't flinch.
See? - And also, also! You'd always pit me and Vince against each other every chance you got.
- Oh, I didn't do that.
Vince, you're the reasonable one.
Tell her.
- And then there was that one time that we had a real conversation, and I-I told you I was having trouble conceiving, and and you called me "baron Von Gina.
" - All right.
Okay.
Well, those days are behind me.
And I've really changed since the last time we've seen each other.
I don't know what it is.
Maybe it's because I'm a pisces now.
But I am a much nicer person.
Ew, gross.
A dog.
- Katie, how did you find us, and why are you here? - Well, this is why I'm here.
When I was 30 and single, I decided to have my eggs harvested.
I figured maybe one day I'd want to have kids.
But the other day, a little voice told me, "Katie, what are you doing? You hate kids.
" And that little voice belonged to my housekeeper.
The nosey bitch.
I'm having her deported.
- Where are we going with all this? - Well, I was paying a fortune to store them, so I thought to myself, I could either throw the eggs away, or I could give them to baron Von Gina and her husband, despicable me.
You're welcome.
- Okay, wait.
Those are your eggs? - We're not taking a cooler full of your eggs.
- I'm not giving you the cooler, Bonnie.
I want it back before barbecue season.
- This is insane.
Why would you possibly think we would want your eggs? - Are you kidding me? I'm a six-foot, double-jointed viking who got a perfect score on her sats.
Just think of it as an upgrade from coach to first.
Again, you're welcome.
- Oh, hi, ed.
- Hi.
Wanna come over and watch the biggest loser? - Oh, I-I don't watch that show.
- What show? My kids are trying to fish this cell phone out of the garbage disposal.
- Again? - Never gets old.
- I-I can't come over.
I have company.
- You have company? - Well, don't sound so surprised.
It's not like I sit home all day scrapbooking and making pies.
- What smells so good? - Pie.
- Is it for me? - No, actually, it's for my scrapbooking group.
- Rosie, uh, is everything okay? - Who the hell are you? - Oh, um, ed, this - Don reger.
- How do you know each other? - I'm a millionaire.
What was the question? - Ed, you know I volunteer at the zoo.
And, uh, don just helped the zoo get their new panda from China.
- Oh, it was no big deal.
I have millions of dollars, and the panda is endangered, and, you know, the Chinese like guys like me.
- I'm not impressed.
Pandas sleep all day and have sex once a month.
I coulda given you my ex-wife and saved you a trip to China.
- Well, uh, don is taking me to a fundraising event at the zoo tonight to celebrate the new panda.
- Yeah, some guy with a million dollars pulled some strings, and Rosemary gets to read to the kids.
You get that guy's me, right? - Yeah, I broke that code.
- I-I'm gonna read to the kids, and don's gonna dress up like a panda.
He loves entertaining children.
- My Uncle dressed up all the time and entertained kids.
Now he's not allowed within 25 feet of a school.
- Don, could you just give us a minute? - Sure, doll.
I'll time it with the sweep hand of my expensive watch.
That's, uh, that's how you know it's real.
- That dope is your boyfriend? - He's not a dope.
We went on a few dates before I went out with you, and then he went to China, and he just came back.
And he asked me out.
Don't be mad.
I asked you yesterday if you wanted to be exclusive, and you said no.
- I'm not mad.
I'm happy for you.
Glad you found a handsome millionaire who looks like he's wearing the drapes from a Tijuana bordello.
- Ed, why do you know so much about the inside of a Tijuana bordello? - Because I do.
I gotta go.
- I'll call you tomorrow.
- Don't bother.
I got a date with a little tomato of my own.
- Ed, is it an actual tomato? - We're not exclusive.
None of your business.
- What kind of weirdo comes to your house and gives you eggs? - The easter bunny.
Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, wait, wait.
He doesn't give 'em to you.
You have to find them.
- You know, it's almost insulting that she thinks we would even consider using her eggs for our baby.
- Is it? I mean, we looked into donor eggs.
They cost a fortune.
- Yeah, I know, but this is Katie.
- Honey, if we didn't know Katie, what would we be looking for in a donor? I mean, we we'd want her to be pretty.
- I guess we'd We'd want her to be smart.
- Yeah, and she'd have to have big boobs.
- Why would she have to have big boobs? - Wha If in case she wasn't smart and pretty.
Look, Katie's all those things.
- I know, I know.
Are we actually now considering this? - I don't know.
I kinda think we should.
- I wouldn't have such a problem with it if she wasn't such a Evil bitch.
- Well, honey, maybe that's the way she was raised.
I mean, there's no way she had a mother as good as you're gonna be.
- You're so good to me, Vince.
- It's the truth.
- Damn it! Dropped my iPod in the garbage disposal.
[Grinding.]
- Vin Vince, look at me.
Look at me.
Henry is not to hold the baby.
- Dad.
Just buy cable.
- I am not watching the neighbors' cable.
I do that in the upstairs bathroom.
It's called multi-tasking.
- So what are you doing? - I'm spying on Rosemary.
She's on a date with some lowlife.
- Says the guy with the binoculars and the beef jerky.
- They're going out on some stupid date to a panda habitat opening at the zoo.
What kind of moron gives a crap about that? - I'm covering it for my magazine.
- That answers my question.
- Dad, why would Rosemary want to be with anyone else when she could have you? - Yeah, that's what I think.
She asked me if I would be exclusive with her, and I said no.
- Why'd you say no? I thought you liked her.
- Well, if I said yes to only being with her, in fact, I'm saying no to hundreds of millions of women.
- Right, right, right.
And explain how.
- You know, you figure there's six billion people on the planet.
And maybe half of them are women.
And you subtract everyone under the age of 21, lesbians, and Australians.
That leaves me with hundreds of millions of potential partners.
- Say, dad, even with all these opportunities, if I were you, I would just tell Rosemary you wanted to be exclusive.
- Why? - Because I see the way you look at her.
And I haven't seen you look at someone like that since mom.
- Well, I'll talk to her.
- Great.
I'm gonna get my sunglasses out of the sink.
Dropped 'em in there when I was getting my iPod out of the sink.
[Knock at door.]
- Oh, my.
My, my, my.
Cute place.
You drive cross country in it? - What the hell are you doing here? - We need to talk.
You'll excuse me if I'm a little jet-lagged.
I just got back from China.
Flew first class.
Didn't use Miles.
Had 'em.
Didn't need 'em.
- Don, I'm gonna say this as nicely as possible.
You're an arrogant jackass.
We have a lot in common.
But Rosemary's my lady.
- Yeah, well, that's why I'm here.
In your tiny house.
You need to back off Rosemary.
- What the hell are you talking about? - I'm about to take Rosemary to the zoo event, and I'm going to ask her to go steady.
And you're not gonna be able to stop me because I'm going to be driving very fast in my Mercedes s class, which I own outright.
You have a nice evening.
Ids, please.
- He actually sponsored the event.
- Oh, Rosemary, please.
As far as he's concerned, I'm just another guy.
The guy who paid $100k to sponsor the event.
"K" means thousand.
- Don, they knew that at the valet.
They know that here.
- There she is.
Rosemary! Hold up.
Excuse me, please.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on, ids, please.
- I'm press.
- Oh, go right in.
- I'm press, too.
- Hey.
That's a napkin from long John silver's.
- Let me see.
Ah.
- And now that's, uh, nothing.
You're holding up nothing.
- Look, what do I have to do to get in there? I haven't got time for these kind of games.
- Hey, I wish I could help you out, buddy, but this is the hottest ticket at the zoo tonight, man.
- All I want to do is talk to a woman in there.
And I promise I'll be right back out.
- Yeah, yeah, you and three other guys.
Please just step out of line, sir.
Thank you.
Next.
- Okay, so now what's your plan? - I'll tell you what I told Vince's mother when she got pregnant.
If I had a plan, I wouldn't be standing here with you.
- All right, dad, look.
I should get in there.
Do you want me to stay out here with you? - No, no, no.
I'll think of something.
- Hey, uh, buddy.
Can I talk to you for a moment? - I can't believe we're about to do this.
- Me neither, but you know, Bonnie, it's like we've always said.
Everything happens for a reason.
- That's so true.
I mean, we've been talking about this pregnancy for a year, and then, suddenly, Katie shows up out of the blue.
- Yeah, with her big boobs.
- You know what? You need to stop saying that.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- If it were reversed - I know, I'm putting myself in your shoes.
- Yes, thank you.
Thank you.
But you're right.
Everything happens for a reason.
We're doing it.
We're having the spawn of our former evil boss.
- Hey.
To fate.
- Mm, cheers.
Mm.
We should put those eggs in the freezer.
Good idea.
- Oh, my God.
The bulldog ate my baby! - I told you he could do it! - Don.
- What are you doing here? - Looking for Rosemary.
Where is she? - None of your business.
- Look, I like Rosemary.
And I've done everything short of telling her or acting like it.
Now that's gonna change.
And I need you out of the picture.
- Ed, I'm a millionaire.
I don't have time for this.
- I've been very nice up until now.
But you don't want to mess with me.
- Or what? Okay, kids, welcome.
Now, today, we don't have the actual panda.
(All) - No, but it's okay.
He had a very, very long trip from China, and it's gonna take him a little while to get used to his new home.
But we have a very special guest for you today.
[All cheering.]
- Now, the panda is endangered, which means we have to treat him very, very carefully, right? [Kids screaming.]
- Please don't be dad.
Please don't be dad.
- Rosemary.
It's me, ed.
- All right.
Night, everybody.
- Ed, what are you doing here? - I came to tell you something.
[Thud.]
[Kids screaming.]
- Don't listen to him.
He's a maniac.
[Grunting and groaning.]
[Kids oohing.]
- All right, then, children.
This sometimes happens in the wild.
[Grunting continues.]
When two very different species are introduced into the same habitat.
Such as a panda and a [Grunting and shouting.]
An eagle.
But there is nothing Nothing to be frightened of.
[Kids screaming.]
Nature can be mysterious.
- Ah.
- Out, out, out, out! - Rosemary! [All screaming.]
- Thanks for coming! - Rosemary! Rosemary.
- Ed, are you insane?! - No, but I may have a tiny concussion.
- What is wrong with you? What are you doing here? You can't just swoop in here and beat up my date! - Well, you shouldn't be dating him.
He's wrong for you.
He's an arrogant ass.
- Ed, you have no right to tell me who I can and cannot date.
You made it very clear yesterday that you wanted to see other people.
- I changed my mind.
- Well, what does that mean? - I don't wanna have fun.
I wanna be with you.
- Thank you, ed.
- Well, I You know what I mean.
I should've told you, but I was afraid of looking foolish.
- Well, you dodged that bullet.
- I know that dressing up like an eagle and beating the crap out of a panda in front of a bunch of kids is not the best way of telling you.
But I haven't felt this way about a woman in a long, long time.
- Really? I don't know what to say.
- I've never had a man do anything so Stupid for me before.
- You stick with me, I'll do lots of stupid things.
What do you say? You wanna go exclusive? - Spit it out! I'm about to be tasered.
- Yes, yes, you crazy idiot! I will be exclusive with you.
- All right.
Rosemary.
Rose [Grunting.]
- Ow! - Wait for me, Rosemary! WaitFor me!