My Name is Earl s01e16 Episode Script

You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why his life sucks? Well, that was me.
Every time somethin'good happened to me somethin'bad was always waitin'around the corner.
Karma.
That's when I realized I had to change.
So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes.
I'm just tryin' to be a better person.
My name is Earl.
One of the perks ofbeing friends with a motel employee is gettin'free stuff when someone checks out for good.
- Somebody die again? - Yeah.
Room 203.
No next of kin.
Either of you guys wear a size 13? I'm a 12, but an extra pair of socks should bridge that gap.
Cool hat.
I'm keepin' this one.
"Lice medicine.
" Anybody want this, or should I throw it away? - Oh, check this out.
- Hey, a porn machine! My manager saw that already.
He called dibs.
Ooh.
Dibs on the laptop! Damn it! Um- Uh- Uh- - The TV.
- That's the motel's.
Damn it.
Um- Um- Um- Hey, Earl, remember we had one of these, but it was gray - and all the alphabets were all mixed up? - Yeah, I do.
Maybe karma's tryin' to tell me it's time to take it back.
Number 37- stole a laptop.
About a year ago, I brought home a laptop I stole out of a car.
Make that fish thingy come back.
I don't know how to.
I don't know how to do anything on- Oh, there it is.
I like that little blue one.
Let's call him Pancho.
I'm gonna type "shark" and see if a shark comes out.
Damn it.
It's gone again.
After we picked up the stolen laptop from Joy's we tried to get it workin'again.
- Does it say who it belongs to? - Says we need a password.
- I'll try "carrot.
" - Why "carrot"? - 'Cause who would think of"carrot"? - You did.
You're right.
I'll try "carrot88.
" No.
"89.
" Damn it.
I can only think of things I can think of.
Earl, the fish.
- The fish are back.
- Is the little blue one there? There he is.
He went behind that treasure chest.
Hey, Pancho.
Come on out, buddy.
- You knocked down the bus stop.
- Yeah, I know, ma'am.
- I'm gonna fix it tomorrow.
- But you knocked down the bus stop.
I promise, it'll be fixed tomorrow.
Well, you're not allowed to knock down the bus stop.
It's a bus stop.
Look, it's on my list.
263- broke bus stop while looking for Pancho the blue fish.
Earl, I found it.
The guy's name is on a sticker on the back.
"Property of Professor Alex Meyers, Frostburg State University.
" A college? Oh, man.
I wasn't lookin'forward to drivin'all night to a college and havin'to talk to an actual professor.
You see, I've never done well around smart people.
Earl Hickey, your word is "knee.
" "Knee.
" Um, N-E- "Knee.
" K- N-E-E.
"Knee.
" The "K" is silent.
This is cool- like when that hobbit in Rudy walked on campus for the first time.
Frostburg State University.
Isn't that where Bullwinkle went to college? Went to Whatsamatta U.
Lived in Frostbite Falls.
Let's check that building out over there.
I bet that's where they keep all the bottles filled with bubblin' potions.
They might even have a Frankenstein in there.
Or a smart monkey who can count smoked cigarettes.
We're not gonna have time to find out, Randy.
We're gonna return this laptop and get out of here.
Keep your eyes open for the psychology department.
It's called Dunkle Hall.
Wait.
Didn't we have an Uncle Dunkle? Randy? Randy? All-day kegger.
Yeah, bro! Go! Go! Go! Go! Randy? Come on.
Let's go.
I never thought of drinking beer upside down before.
- It tastes the same.
- Yeah, but it goes to your brain before it gets to your livers.
I always thought a fraternity was just a bunch of old guys riding little bikes in parades, but this is way cooler than that.
Can I stay? Can I please stay? Fine.
But I'm comin' right back to get you after I return the laptop.
Who wants to do a keg stand? While Randy was making new upside-down beer drinkin'buddies I managed to track down Professor Meyers's office.
Oh, uh, Professor Meyers.
Tom, come on.
You know you can call me Alex.
As much trouble as I had dealin'with smart guys I never quite figured out how to handle smart women.
Earl Hickey, your word is "knowledge.
" "Knowledge.
" N- O- "Knowledge.
" K- N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E.
"Knowledge.
" The "K" is silent.
Double knot.
"Knot" has a "K.
" "Knot"- "Knot" has a "K.
" The "K" is, uh, silent.
Yeah.
Thanks.
I'll remember that next time I'm in second grade.
What's your name? There were a lot of things making me nervous about confronting Alex.
Not only was she smart and pretty, but I knew from experience she was also the type of woman who grabbed her purse a little tighter when she saw a guy like me.
Here we go.
Ah, that's a bad one.
Both sides.
- I'm just returning your laptop.
- What? God! - Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
Are you okay? - You okay? No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Never mind.
No.
Sorry.
No rape here.
Great response though.
I feel very safe.
Thank you.
And I promise, next time I blow that whistle it will be for a real rape.
I promise.
Real rape.
Again, I'm really sorry, Earl.
It's okay.
It was probably just karma giving me a little payback for stealing your computer in the first place.
So you really made that list based on a fear of karma? Yeah, karma's tossed me around a little.
Tried to kill me.
Hit me with a car.
Earl, karma is a very complex Buddhist principle.
It's the totality of a person's actions which determines the fate of the next stage of their existence.
Do good things, and good things happen.
Do bad things, and bad things happen.
Yeah, I actually like your definition better.
Is there any way you would speak at my class? It would be amazing.
We could put a rat in a cage and assume he found the cheese 'cause he was hungry but what if we could actually ask the rat why he found it? Excuse me.
This wasn't the first time a woman kicked me in the cherries and called me a rat, but it was the first time I didn't mind.
I'll be your rat.
Really? Oh, great.
How's tomorrow? Do you have plans? Tomorrow? Nope.
Free as a bird.
What I was forgettin'at the time was a promise I had made to another little lady.
- You knocked down the bus stop.
- Yeah, I know, ma'am.
I'm gonna fix it tomorrow.
So I guess I'll see you in class.
Great.
Ooh, God.
! I'm so sorry.
I don't- I don't know who would have left gum in here.
- Wasn't karma again, was it? - No, no.
Some things are just accidents.
Blinded by a beautiful woman wearin'shoes that make her calves pop out real nice well, I forgot that in my world, things are neverjust accidents.
They happen for a reason.
I had promised to take care of something on my list- - Stop! - and until I did it, karma was gonna keep reminding me.
Randy.
! Dude, that is so smart, Earl.
They've figured out how to put booze in food.
Except you can't eat too many, or you pass out and they write "balls" on your forehead in permanent marker.
Listen, Professor Meyers is a woman.
- Is she hot? - She's not just hot.
She's hot and she's smart.
- Like a stewardess? - Way smarter.
And she called me interesting.
No woman like that's ever called me interesting, Randy.
- And I'm speaking at her class tomorrow.
- We're staying another day? Awesome! That means I'm in for the bottle rocket fight tomorrow.
Hey, everybody, Pledge Randy's in for Lolla-Fallujah.
I'm pledging.
That means these guys are all gonna be my brothers.
But it's not like I have to get 'em all Christmas presents or anything.
Maybe we'll have a Secret Santa.
If we do, I hope I get Steve.
He's got lots of interests, and we wear the same size.
Hmm.
I know you all have a lot of questions but let's keep them brief so we all get a chance to talk to this fascinating resource, Mr.
Earl Hickey.
Hello.
Did you guys type what I just said? This is kinda freakin' me out.
Okay, guys, how about we don't take notes and just listen to what Mr.
Hickey has to say? I'm, uh, here to talk about psychology which, as you all know, is, uh the science dealing with the mind and mental and emotional processes.
Okay, Earl, how about you tell us about you and your list in your own words? Okay.
Well, I've been bad.
Really, really bad.
I decided tojust lay it all out there for 'em.
And their reaction surprised me a little.
And usually the air force would shoot you for doin' that.
But they figured I was too drunk to remember what I saw.
But as we all know now, they were wrong.
They were enjoying my stories, so I kept on tellin' 'em.
Oh, and there was this other time when I went to the amusement park- That's when I realized Ginsu knives would cut cans but not bones.
So now I'm stuck in a trap and bleeding.
So, that's when I made the list.
I never had anyone clap for me before, and I liked it even if I wasn't quite sure what to do.
And the fact that Alex was clapping- well, that felt better than anything.
You were amazing.
And-And funny and-and charming and so adorable.
An amazing thing happened after class.
Wejust kept walkin'and talkin And we never ran out of stuff to say.
It was like one of those movies where a guy meets a girl and they talk and laugh at each other's stories.
I usually don't watch movies like that but I was starting to understand why people do.
You know, I have this, um, lunch tomorrow for the regents and I hate going to these things alone.
Yeah, me too.
I mean, if I knew what regents were.
- Right now I'm picturing 'em as dragons.
- Yeah, pretty close.
You know, you'd be my knight in shining armor if you came with me.
Y- You want me to go? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I could do that.
Yeah.
I could be your knight.
I'd have to bring my sword.
I didn't mean that dirty.
I- I'm just- - So, what time is this thing? - It's 2:00.
So sure there's nothing I'm taking you away from? I'm sure.
Bus! - So, should I meet you at your- - Ooh, watch out! - Ow! - Ooh! Oh! - Are you okay? - Yeah.
I don't even know where this came from.
I- Randy? Hey, Earl.
- Randy, I think she likes me.
She asked me to go to a party.
And we talked and we joked around.
She even touched my arm.
Really? How'd she do that? - It feels like she likes you.
- That's what I'm sayin'.
So does this mean we're gonna stay another night? - Would you walk away from that? - No way.
I even like when you do it.
This means I get to finish pledging.
I was worried you were gonna want to go home and fix the bus stop.
- The what? - Watch out.
! Check it out.
I almost hit Magnum P.
I.
That could've killed ya.
And that's when it finally hit me- what karma was trying to tell me.
The bus stop.
I forgot about the bus stop.
That's what's goin' on, Randy.
I told that lady I would cross it off my list, and I haven't.
That's why karma's punishing me, 'cause I've been puttin' off the list to be with Alex.
Maybe I'm supposed to go and fix the bus stop.
Hey.
Uh, sorry.
I forgot to give this back to you.
Thank you again for today.
See you tomorrow? - We're stayin'.
- Yes! Karma can do whatever it wants to me.
- I can take it.
Alex is worth it.
- Heads up.
! Ow! Still worth it.
Although I've had a lot of cocktails in my life I've never actually been to a cocktail party.
I have to admit, I was a little nervous.
But the sounds of the fountains were surprisingly calming.
- Shrimp kebab? - How much for two? They're free.
Free shrimp, huh? College.
Nice.
Well, well.
Don't you look handsome? - Nice outfit.
- Thanks.
I borrowed it from a frat brother- which is why the pants smell like bong water.
I also found Cheetos and a Ho Ho in one of the pockets.
But they have free shrimp here, so we're good.
Thank you.
Damn! - Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.
Nice try, karma.
- Excuse me? - Oh, nothing.
I just, uh- Karma was still mad at me.
But I was willing to take the punishment.
Although not everyone was as willing as I was to take punishment.
Assume the positions.
You want me to bend over so you can smack me with that paddle? Yeah.
Look, I like drinkin', and I love ridin' tricycles but if someone hits me with a paddle, I'm gonna knock 'em on their ass.
- I thought we were friends.
- We are.
But the older brothers did it to us when we were pledges so now it's our turn to torture somebody.
Well, if you want to get someone back, why don't you paddle the guy who paddled you? Not some poor guys who didn't do anything to anyone.
- Hmm.
- Huh.
Randy never thought he'd be so satisfied watching guys spank each other on the ass.
But as it turns out, he was.
And that's basically how you get a ballpoint pen out of your neck.
Ew- Uh- Oh.
Uh- I think a- a bird just got you.
- Great.
- You're pretty unlucky.
Yeah, I'm very unlucky.
Ow! Son of a- - What? What happened? What? - A bee just stung my lip.
Really? Bees? That's how we're gonna play? - Huh? - Okay, Earl, who are you talking to? Karma.
Karma's been after me for puttin' off my list to be with you.
The champagne cork, the bird crap, the bee.
Earl, that's crazy.
They're just accidents.
There's no way karma has anything to do with any of this.
Okay? Karma's tryin' to kill me again.
I gotta cross something off my list.
I'm sorry.
I'll be right back.
How do you know if it's hitting you? When it's hitting you, you'll know.
- It's hitting me.
- Cool.
It is so not cool.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I need you to punch me.
- It wants me to punch it.
- Punch it.
- Listen to your friend.
Punch it.
- I will not die tonight! Look out.
! - Ow! - Sorry.
Again? Come on.
I'm tryin' here! You saw me tryin'.
That guy slammed the door in my face.
You know what? That's it.
I'm goin' back to the party.
So if you want to punish me, give me your best shot.
Come on.
Give it to me once and for all 'cause I'm gonna be with her whether you like it or not.
This is my list, and I will cross things off when I choose, not you.
I will not be karma's bitch.
That's what I thought.
When I got back to the party, Alex wasn't there - so I hoped I would find her in her office.
- Good.
You're here.
I did it.
I looked karma in the eye, and karma backed down.
Son of a bitch! I think the bees were looking for you, Earl.
- How bad is it? - Uh, it's, uh- It's- It's not too bad.
Theyjust kept coming after me.
It was like they were on some kind of mission.
It knows it can't get to me, so it's going after you.
- What? - Karma.
It's like the bad guy in Spider-Man.
He can't beat Spider-Man, so he goes after his girlfriend.
- Karma can't get to me, so- - You think it's going after me.
- I-I know you think I'm crazy, but- - No.
Believe me, I don't.
I'm sorry, Alex.
We can't do this.
I have to get away from you before you really get hurt- more than this.
Yeah.
It's just too bad 'cause I was just starting to think that we- Yeah, me too.
But it's just not in the cards for me right now.
I can't be anyone's boyfriend.
I'm karma's bitch.
It was a hard thing to do, walkin'away from Alex.
But it was the right thing.
Just because I met a pretty girl doesn't mean I deserve to be with her yet.
I've done a lot ofbad things in my life, and I still need to make up for 'em.
And that's what karma was tryin'to tell me.
But I realize I don't need bottle rockets, darts or bee stings to see that.
- Hey! - All right! It's the feelin'I get when I cross somethin'off my list that reminds me I'm goin'in the right direction.
And each day I'm gettin'a little closer to the kind of man I want to be.
Earl, remember what you're working for.
Thinking of you, Alex.
And who knows? If I keep doin'what I'm doin one day I will deserve a girl like Alex.
'Cause that's the way karma works.