Outsourced (2010) s01e16 Episode Script

- Good morning.
- Morning, Asha.
Oh Manmeet does that too.
What is this nonsense? Rajiv, lighten up, man.
We're just trying to have some fun before work.
By all means, let us dull the freshly waxed floors while our phones go unanswered.
- Too slow, Gupta.
- Ay! Hey, whoa.
What's going on? What are you guys doing at Shirin's desk? We were dividing up her stuff.
It's only her second day out.
She's probably just sick.
Oh, nobody misses two days of work, even if they're sick.
She quit, or she died.
And if she showed up now, I'd fire her anyway.
- To Shirin! - Hey, hey! Number one mom, significantly worse employee.
Well, how could she quit and not say anything to me? That's how it works here.
I heard she got a better offer and moved on.
Also, I believe those pills she was popping during lunch weren't vitamins.
And as far as her love life is concerned Madhuri, no, I don't want to hear gossip about her.
Oh, I'm no gossip, but let's just say there are a few illegitimate children running around the city that could have given her that mug.
Number one mom in output, maybe? You know, sir, if the workers absorb Shirin's calls, you and I can absorb her salary.
So you're saying make them work harder so you and I can profit? Sounds even better when you say it.
No, we're gonna find a new worker.
Actually, you know, this is the first person I get to hire myself.
Looking forward to it.
- Sir - Hmm? This is a very coveted job.
I don't think you understand what you're getting yourself into.
I think I can handle a few job interviews, Rajiv.
Sir, my grandmother would be a great worker.
I know just the person you should hire.
Very crazy, huh, man? I can't believe all these people are here for the job.
Hey, this is a place of business! Show some respect! Hey, out! I can save you some time, brother.
I have the perfect person for the job.
What's her name? I don't know.
But I've seen her on the bus three days in a row.
- Can she type? - I don't know.
- How's her English? - Okay, you better ease up with all these hardball questions, or you're going to blow it with her.
Dude, she's beautiful.
Manmeet, I'm not gonna hire some woman just because she's hot.
Just give her a chance, man! If you interview her, I know you'll want to hire her.
Then you'll probably get to know her, go out for a chai, and she'll like you because you're American and charming, and before you know it, you'll be sleeping with her You just had to have her, didn't you, dude! How could you do this to me? Okay I'll be the customer.
You ready? Okay, I would like to order the glow-in-the-dark yo-yo.
What's the item number, sir? It is 625 A-R.
Okay, you just hung up on me again.
Why can't I just put you on speaker? Because it would bother the other workers.
But Spencer told me I'd have my own office.
Who is Spencer? 'Ello, love.
Hey, Spencer.
How's my grandmother doing? And, uh, why are you Spencer? Because that's what my family in London, who owns an automotive racing club named me.
We went over this when I hired you.
Ah, okay.
And how did you see this playing out, Spencer? I think we're being a bit cheeky for an underling.
Hello.
My name is Alok.
What are you doing? I'm Alok.
I have a job interview.
Stop messing around, Gupta.
Who is this Gupta you speak of? Oh, I know.
You mean my twin cousin, who will never be in the same room with me at the same time.
Okay, well, when you see Gupta, tell him if he doesn't stop wasting my time, I might have to fire him.
What was I looking for again? - But if I do get this job - I can't hire you.
You already work here.
Todd it's Gupta now.
Let's talk face-to-face.
We both know that I only work about half a day.
So if you hire Alok, you'll get a full day's work.
Half from me, half from - Alok.
- No.
Corporate will never have to know it's me.
- No.
- Yes.
I can't believe I met a British race-car driver on the bus.
Believe.
- Madhuri, she's asleep.
- Shh! Respect.
Okay, so can I borrow 20,000 rupees? - No.
- Can Alok? - No.
- Yes, I understand.
It's a lot to ask.
So how about 10,000 for me, - No.
- Okay.
All right, Kamik, I would like to order the glow-in-the-dark yo-yo.
Oh, yes, sir, that is item number 625 A-R.
May I also suggest a glow-in-the-dark slinky? For fun, it's a wonderful toy.
- It's fun for a girl - Or a boy! Kamik, where are you from? Well, I was born here, but I grew up outside of Corpus Christi.
I spent almost my entire childhood in the States.
Then you can probably answer me this What month does the Sports Illustrated - swimsuit issue come out? - February.
Best part of St.
Patrick's Day? - Shamrock shakes.
- Who is the worst - Backstreet Boy? - Nick.
Correct, but I would have accepted any of them.
I have four years sales experience.
Where have you been all my life? Well, I graduated Shh, shh.
No mas.
No mas.
You got the job.
It's so great we don't have to work on your accent, right? Yeah, totally.
Totally.
Whoa! Oh, my God, is everything okay? She's just sleeping.
Just sleeping.
Good morning, Gupta.
Ah.
Good morning, Manmeet.
How was the bus? Do you miss taking it with me? 'Cause now I take the rickshaw with Todd, and Okay, I'll leave you alone.
Are you taking a while? Are you doing sit-downs or stand-ups? For heaven's sake, Gupta, shut up! Good morning.
Hi.
Madhuri's grandmother actually fell asleep.
That's nothing.
I had a guy come in for a job interview, no hands.
He didn't have any hands? No, he had a hook on this hand and something like a garden weasel on the other.
Don't feel bad.
I hired him, and he met his wife on the job.
I knew they were seeing each other, 'cause she'd show up at work with fresh puncture wounds.
Charlie! It's hard to hide it when you're bangin' Edward Scissorhands.
Hey, there's the kid I hired.
Hey! I'm telling you, he's amazing no accent.
- He's a born salesman.
- Well, you better watch out.
The good ones get poached all the time.
I lost two of my best workers to those guys.
Look at those smug bastards sitting there like they're the cock of the walk.
I just want to grab that stick out of their bums and beat them with it.
Does she do that kind of stuff? I just wanted to thank you for the opportunity, Mr.
Dempsey.
Oh, please, it's Todd.
This is Charlie and Tonya.
Hey, I run a call center for All-American Hunter.
- I run Koala Air.
- Nice to meet you.
Well, I'm gonna go over the catalog before work starts.
Okay, so, uh Time to make the doughnuts.
Kid just dropped a dunkin' donuts reference on our ass impressive.
Yesterday, he did a slinky one.
I'm telling you, if he would have asked, "where's the beef?" I would have shown it to him.
I believe that.
The mood rings are fun, but I have never heard a kid complain that there's too much silly string at his birthday party.
Great.
Oh, I think two cases will do it.
How could you hire someone without consulting me? Rajiv, he's already selling add-ons.
I mean, if he keeps it up like this, someday he could be manager.
You did not just use the "m" word! Very smooth on the up-sell.
Well, I'm a smooth operator.
You know, like the song? Of course, the song.
Who could forget? I love that song.
Smooth operator operating smooth smooth, smooth, I'm an operator I'm so smooth I-if there's anything that you need, I'll be here for you.
And I would hope that if there was anything that I needed, you would Oh, yeah, yeah, man.
I'd be there for you.
Oh, thanks, buddy.
Remember when you said you'd be there for me? I need 20,000 rupees.
No.
- Mid America Novelties - No, not you.
Mid America Novelties.
How may I put a smile on your day? This is not how we answer the phone.
Stick to the script, you imbecile! Hello, Mid America Novelties.
How can I help you? Hello, I'm an average American Tall, blond, exceptional in almost every way, except for my knowledge of math and the basic sciences.
I run an orphanage, and the kids love your dinosaur toys.
Could you find it in your heart to donate two or three boxes of them? Oh, sir, I can't give product away.
Not even for orphans who lack parents and basic skills in mathematics? You know, I really shouldn't do this, but let me conference in my supervisor Rajiv.
Maybe he can help you.
Hello, this is Rajiv.
Yeah, this is Bill.
Bill, how may I help you today? I run an orphanage for mathematically challenged kids, and I was hoping your company could donate some toys.
Sir, this is a business, not a charity.
But the kids Please let me finish.
If we donated every time somebody called, we would be in big Uh, got to go, Bill.
Bye, Rajiv.
Hello, Tod Hello, Todd.
Oh, no.
- What's the matter? - I can't find my wallet.
I had it this morning.
Has anyone seen it? - No? - No.
What's going on, man? Oh, no.
The goose that laid the golden egg has laid a different egg all over your face.
No, Kamik can't be gone.
How am I gonna replace him? I know someone who is ready to jump right in.
Nani, you're on.
Nani! You got the job.
Hey.
Ready for lunch? Oh.
Actually, there's something I wanted to talk to you about.
Koala Airlines.
Come experience the wonder down under.
Son of a bitch.
You stole my man! It's nothing personal, just business.
Everyone poaches workers.
No, this is personal.
Kamik was my find, and you stole him from me.
You know what? As punishment, I am withholding sex.
No, you're not.
No, I know I won't.
But I won't try as har No.
Yeah, I will.
So you lost a worker.
It's part of the game.
Call centers steal each other's best workers all the time.
Yeah, but I introduced her to Kamik.
So she got the better of me.
She did.
She upset the balance of power in your relationship.
I know how you get even Break up with her.
Then, in a moment of weakness, I'll sleep with her, and she'll wake up in a world of regret.
I would do that for you.
That is just very sweet.
But the only way to get even with Tonya is to steal Kamik back.
Okay, I wouldn't say "only way.
" I believe there was another option on the table.
On the table.
You know they did it on the table.
I can see that smile on your you know it.
This makes no sense.
There's nothing missing.
Manmeet, why do you have a business card that says that you're a model scout? Oh, my cousin prints a magazine, and they're always looking for women for the cover.
Actually, I don't know why I didn't think of this.
But you'd be perfect.
Really? And that's why I have the card.
Okay, but why would Gupta take and return your wallet? I'm about to find out.
Did Gupta just get in that rickshaw? He's not driving, is he? Yep, that's Gupta.
No, no, don't worry about it.
Let's keep going.
- You idiot! - Shut up! - Learn how to drive.
- I know how to drive! - Get out of here! - I am getting out of here.
Here we go.
Hand me the glass cutters.
What are you doing? I got the key card to Tonya's office - from the janitor.
- Yep.
Come on, I never get to use these.
Hang on.
If I dust some powder on the keyboard and we take a look at it under a black light, we can see which keys she uses most Figure out her password.
It appears she's been using all the keys.
Look at that.
Someone can't get enough of that space bar.
Will you stop with all the spy gadgets? - Move.
Move.
- All right.
What Sorry, it's it's a cheap desk.
Bingo! What? Do you realize how cool this is? We broke in here.
I'm wearing all black.
I found her secret file, and I got to say, "bingo!" You got to see how this feels.
I'll hide it, and you can find it.
No, Charlie, what did you find? It'll feel better if you earn it.
It's her payroll file.
- Bingo! - I know, right? - It feels great, doesn't it? - All right.
Kamik, Kamik, Kamik Oh, oh, here we go.
Oh, man, she's paying him almost twice as much as I was.
I can't match this.
Security! You're on your own! Mayday! Aah! I can't feel my nads.
Could you before? As often as I could.
Good morning.
No.
Dempsey.
Kamik didn't show up today.
Do you know anything about that? Nothing personal, Tonya, just business.
What did you offer him? A lot more money and better benefits.
You could never match what I was paying him.
I know.
That's why I slipped his resume to the big boys.
If I can't have Kamik, no one can.
But they have him.
By "no one," I meant you.
Well, I need to find myself another worker.
So do I.
Let the best man win.
Nani, there's an opening again.
Uh, uh, hello.
I am Manmeet.
Let me just hit the old manmeter, and we'll be on our way.
You used my license.
That's why you stole my wallet.
I had to.
I don't have a driver's license, and I need the money.
Why? Gupta, what's going on? When I moved into my own apartment, there were all these expenses no one told me about Rent, a bed, a sheet, a smaller sheet for my pillow.
Gupta, how long are you going to have to drive this rickshaw to pay your bills? I don't know.
But the meter is running, so if we just sit here for about a month, I'll be okay.
This is a really good thing that you're doing, Todd.
Well, it's only for a few weeks, until I can find a new worker.
Yes, darling, I hope you have a wonderful bachelorette party too.
Thank you for calling mid America novelties.
This is Gupta, how can I Please hold.
Thank you for calling Mid America Novelties.
This is Alok.
Gupta, you don't need the hat or the glasses.
Please hold.
If you want to talk to Alok You have to talk to him by name.
Gupta Gupta Alok.
Yes? Have we met?