Sabrina The Teenage Witch s01e16 Episode Script

All done.
Dinner was delicious.
I don't believe you finished off your lima beans.
I'm an adult and most of mine are in my napkin.
What can I say? I love lima beans.
Are you sure you didn't make them magically disappear? Aunt Zelda, I'm offended you would even ask me that question.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll clear.
A kid who likes lima beans? Being a witch is just the tip of her weirdness.
There's still something fishy.
Did you notice how she dodged my question? Oh, come on.
Sabrina's not that cagey.
There's only one way to find out.
Remember that spell mom used to cast to make sure we'd eaten our vegetables? Oh, I hated that spell.
- Hated what spell? - This.
What's that all about? A spell to bring back any lima beans you may have made disappear.
What? Get down.
I told you I hated that spell.
I'm gonna go ride my pig.
I mean, hog.
There.
- What am I looking for again? - The Olympus Mons.
It's the largest mountain in the solar system.
I see a little bump.
- Now can we spy on the neighbours? - No.
Now, that little bump happens to be the best skiing on Mars.
And that's where we're going for our winter vacation.
- We're going to Mars? - It's a trek, but it's worth it.
You'll love the red planet.
It's so pretty and the sky is pink.
- So, what are the Martians like? - Martians? - Aren't there Martians? - No.
Jeez, Sabrina, get in touch with reality.
So Louis XIV was succeeded by another Louis, who was known as? Any guesses? Okay, I see winter break has already started.
Well, I can't let you go before the bell, so just try to keep it quiet.
- Hey, Sabrina.
- Louis XV.
No.
What are you doing over vacation? Oh, I'm going skiing with my aunts.
- Out west? - Actually, north.
- How about you? - I'll be here.
[BELL RINGS.]
In fact, I was hoping you'd be here too so maybe we could do stuff.
Really? I wish I had known.
I love doing stuff.
This trip's not gonna be any fun.
I mean, I don't even know how to ski.
You could take lessons.
Oh, great.
So I get to study on my vacation.
Come on, you'll have a blast.
- And I'll see you in five days? - Six.
Man, six days.
Well, I'd better go catch my bus.
I guess this is it.
See you.
Bye.
Wow.
I just don't understand why other kids get to stay home and I have to go on a ski vacation.
You were so excited about it last night.
Well, a lot's changed since then.
I mean, just today, Harvey asked me if I wanted to do stuff.
Well, there'll be plenty of stuff left to do when we get back.
Why don't you guys go? I'll stay with Salem.
SALEM: Hey, the whole point of a family vacation is so I can get a vacation from the family.
Please, I need some downtime.
It's not up for discussion.
You're going, and that's that.
Fine.
I'll go to Mars, but I won't have any fun.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Do what you want, but I think you're overreacting.
I mean, it's not like you're never gonna see Harvey ever again.
Here he is now.
Don't you love when things like that happen in real life? Hey.
Hi.
I hope it's okay I stopped by.
Sure, your timing's perfect.
My aunts were just about to take naps.
Oh, right.
Oh, so tired.
Oh, I hope I can make it up the stairs.
Come on in.
So, what's up? I'm not gonna waste your time with small talk.
You're going skiing and you can't afford to lose your mittens, so I got you these.
They're called mitten minders.
You string them through your jacket.
My little brother swears by them.
That's so thoughtful and stretchy.
Thanks.
Anyway, I gotta get the car back to my mom.
Hey, maybe I could call you from the lodge to let you know how the mitten minders are working.
Really? I'd like that.
I'd like that a lot.
Well, when should I call? - Tonight around 9? - Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Oh, creak.
Oh, these old homes are so creaky.
- Well, you'd better get going.
HARVEY: Yeah.
Have a great trip.
- Thanks again.
- You're welcome.
Bye.
See you.
Sorry, I got caught up in the moment.
- Come on, Sabrina.
- Mars is waiting.
I'm coming.
- Is that all you're bringing? - We've got these.
Salem, you have the number of the lodge in case you need to reach us.
And we left you plenty of food.
Don't eat it all in one day.
Oh, right, I forgot.
I'm an animal.
I have no self-control.
- And no parties while we're gone.
- I'll cancel the black-and-white ball.
Well, then I guess we're off.
Woo-hoo.
SALEM: Bye.
Have fun.
Miss you.
A party? Why didn't I think of that? Watch your step.
These stairs are a little icy.
The whole lodge is a little icy.
HILDA: Isn't it beautiful? And it's a perfect time of year.
At the end of the season, the rooms get a little slushy.
- What's that? - A volcano.
Oh, there she blows.
I'll just get an energy bar and then I think I'll hit the slopes.
I think I'll hit the couch.
- Aren't you going skiing? - Oh, I don't ski.
I lodge.
All I need is a stack of magazines.
And some catalogues.
And Tolstoy's classic War and Peace.
I think I'll read that last.
So when does the family part of this family vacation begin? - We'll all meet for dinner.
- Well, what am I to do until then? We thought you'd wanna hang out with people your age.
All the people my age are on another planet.
- I'm calling Harvey.
- Oh, you can't.
Mars is in a time zone that's so far ahead of Earth, it's still yesterday there.
If you call Harvey, he'll explode.
This stinks.
I'm going to my room.
She'll find the Toblerone in the minibar and be fine.
- Well, enjoy your day.
- Enjoy yours.
Wow.
Oh, I love this planet.
Oh, what a day.
I'm exhausted.
Read me War and Peace.
HILDA: Morning.
- Morning.
You going skiing again? Yes.
Are you reading magazines again? Not today.
I thought I'd take it easy.
- Morning.
- Did you sleep all right? I slept fine, only problem was I woke up here.
Cheer up.
I promise today will be more fun.
I'm gonna get you a ski lesson.
Don't bother.
My day's mapped out.
I'm gonna analyse you guys in my journal until 9 and then I'm calling Harvey.
I'll be by the phones.
There's no sign of the policyholder yet, but I will not rest until said policyholder has been found.
Now, I plan-- I can't talk.
There's somebody here.
Um, okay, goodbye.
I love you.
No, I just said that to throw them off.
Yeah, you hang up.
Okay, it's all yours.
Thanks, but I won't be using it for another 12 hours.
Really? How very interesting.
February 5th, again.
Are you Sabrina? Yeah, but I'm kind of busy, so if you wouldn't mind waiting until I'm finished.
- Period.
Done.
What did you want? - My name's Doug.
Your Aunt Zelda just arranged for me to give you a ski lesson, but she said you might not be up for it.
I don't know where she got that idea.
I mean, when in Mars I will be back in 12 hours, won't I? - Unless you're really uncoordinated.
- Oh, then let's go.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Excuse me, do you mind if I sit over there? - Sure.
It's a free planet.
- Thank you.
Okay.
Ah, whoo.
I couldn't help but notice you from across the room there.
My name is Warren.
I'm a very successful insurance salesman and I am on an expense account you would not believe.
Oh, please.
You lodge lizards are all alike.
Look, we can chat, but not if you spend the next four days making up stories just to impress me.
- I would never-- - Let's make a pact.
For once, two strangers meeting on vacation will be completely honest with each other, okay? - Okay.
You got it.
- Great.
- I'm a secret agent.
- What? I'm here to sniff out a counter operative.
- You're not it, are you? - No.
Good.
I'd hate to have to kill you.
[LAUGHS.]
So are you married? What do I do? I've never skied before.
Ah, you'll be great.
- All set.
You can ski.
- Just like that? It's a short lesson, but pretty expensive.
Let's go.
Follow me.
SABRINA: Hey, wait up.
You're going too fast.
I'm new at this.
How do I stop again? - How are you doing back there? SABRINA: I'm doing fine.
Pff.
Pff, pff.
So let me get this straight.
Your mission is to bring down Dr.
Cyclops, who, through his ring of operatives, is trying to destabilize the Balinese government.
Yeah, plus there's some unbelievable stuff that I just can't tell you about.
So, what kind of doctor is Dr.
Cyclops, a psychiatrist? No.
He's not really a doctor.
I mean, he may have a Ph.
D.
, but Dr.
Cyclops is just his code name.
And he hates it.
Where are all your clever spy gadgets? Well, check out this baby.
- A toothpick? - A poisoned toothpick.
Perfect, especially if Dr.
Cyclops just had corn on the cob.
Hi, Aunt Hilda.
Finally.
I thought you were only going skiing for a couple of hours.
I thought so too, but it turns out I'm a natural.
- Hey, you want some hot chocolate? - Please.
Great, you're just in time for our family dinner.
Actually, Doug and I wanted to collapse in front of the volcano.
Then Zelda and I will have a family dinner.
Actually, we just saw her on the slopes.
I think she's night skiing.
Great, then I'll just have a family dinner all by myself.
Uh, you know, I realise I'm not family yet, but I'd be happy to chow down with you.
- Would you let me try your entrée? - Sure.
Okay.
Here you go.
Do you take marshmallows? The little ones.
- Thanks.
- There you go.
This is nice.
Whoa! Toasty.
Hey, you wanna play cribbage? - I'd love to.
How does it work? - You don't know? - Now you do.
- Great.
Deal me six, we'll play till I skunk you.
- That could take a while.
- I've got time.
I don't believe this.
You have a talking dog? - I have a talking cat.
- Really? Don't pets make the best of friends? I mean, you get total loyalty, unconditional love-- You've never had a cat, have you? [DANCE MUSIC PLAYS.]
What's going on? They turn the lodge into a cheesy disco at night.
- Do you wanna dance? - Sure.
All right.
Ring.
Ring.
[MUSIC PLAYS.]
[CATS MEOWING.]
Hey, someone has to make a Science Diet run.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Wait.
Did I just hear the phone? - Hello.
- Hi, this is Harvey.
Um, I know Sabrina's not home.
I thought you could get a message to her.
If it's short.
Um, I don't have anything to write with.
The message is that I'm going to sleep now, and maybe I'll talk to her tomorrow.
- Got it.
- Thanks.
Morning, ski bunny.
I ache all over.
Skiing is easy, but disco is hard.
You had a message at the front desk to call Salem.
I wonder what he wants.
[PHONE RINGS.]
- Hello? SABRINA: Did I wake you? No, you didn't wake me.
I was just reading.
- You were looking for me? - Yeah.
Harvey called last night, and asked me to tell you he was going to sleep.
Weird.
I wonder why-- Oh, my God.
I totally forget.
I gotta go.
You're welcome.
I am such a jerk.
- Hello? - Hey, Sabrina.
I am so sorry I didn't call last night.
I must be on Mars or something.
Hey, don't worry.
I wasn't, like, waiting by the phone.
So did you lose your mittens? No, thanks to the mitten minders, my mittens were minded.
Hey, Sabrina.
Oh, you're on the phone.
- Yeah, I'll be off in a sec.
- Okay.
- Who was that? - My ski instructor.
Oh, cool.
You took lessons.
Do you like your teacher? Yeah, he's fine.
Well, it sounds like you're having fun.
Hey, I got all new socks and two new shirts yesterday.
That's great.
I can't wait to see them.
Okay, bye.
SABRINA: Aunt Zelda! Aunt Zelda.
- What a pleasant surprise.
- Surprise? I've been skiing behind you for the past five miles - screaming your name.
- What's going on? I have a very, very serious problem.
Doug asked me to go on a picnic tonight.
Well, seriously, that sounds like fun.
But I'm not supposed to be having fun.
- Why not? - I promised myself I wouldn't.
And then I met Doug and now I'm all confused.
I mean, how can I like Doug when I like Harvey? Sabrina, you're very young and odds are, over the next 10 years, you will meet and like many different boys.
Thank you for that sweeping generality, - but what do I do about tonight? - Do you wanna go? Yeah, but I'm worried it would hurt Harvey's feelings.
Well, then, you have to weigh your desire to go versus your desire not to hurt Harvey.
Or I could go and Harvey will never find out.
Bad idea.
Relationships are hard enough when you're completely honest.
You start hiding things, you're taking a risk.
But it's your choice.
I can't make the decision for you.
Are you sure? It would really help me out.
- Ah.
- Oh, you're back.
I made it all the way down Olympus Mons.
It was spectacular.
Uh! You should have used more sun block.
Enemy transmissions are definitely coming from someplace into the-- [YELLS.]
- Who's she? - My sister.
- Who are you? - Warren.
He's a-- Insurance salesman.
Are you covered? Just kidding.
Okay, let's go to the family dinner.
Shouldn't we wait for Sabrina? She went off with Doug.
- Who's Doug? - Her ski instructor.
I hope she made the right decision.
Here we are.
Wow, picnic in a crater.
Oh, it's not just a crater.
It's the best crater on the planet.
Mars is so cool.
You're lucky you get to live here all the time.
It's not that much fun.
After the season's over, it's just a lot of witch townies.
Well, I love it.
It's so different and exotic.
- Ham sandwich? - Sure.
Both moons are really beautiful tonight.
Yeah.
Hey, there's the Mars probe.
Smile.
- Are you cold? - No, I'm all right.
Are you sure? Because I could put my arm around you.
That's okay.
I can just put my arms around myself.
I'm sensing you feel uncomfortable being here.
Should I walk you back to the lodge? No.
No, I'm enjoying this.
- Really? - Yeah.
Well, I'm glad because I like you, Sabrina.
I like you too.
- What are you doing? - I was gonna kiss you.
Kiss me? Well, I don't even know you that well.
I mean, it hardly seems right to kiss someone when you haven't even shaken hands.
- All right.
Do you wanna shake? - Okay.
- Now can I kiss you? - I don't think so.
- Well, why not? - It's your handshake.
No offence, but I've had better.
Well, that's not fair.
We had gloves on.
Give me another chance.
Okay.
Now, this time, I'm really gonna mean it.
Uh-uh.
Look, it's not your fault.
There's a guy back on Earth named Harvey.
And, well, when I shake his hand, I feel all tingly, and when I shake yours, well, frankly, it's a little sweaty.
It is not.
I'm sorry, but I have to be honest.
So you wanna go back to the lodge? No, we can finish our picnic.
- I mean, we're still friends, right? - Of course.
- Friends.
- Friends.
- Anything? - Sorry.
We'll be back around 5.
Can you come by? Great.
Sabrina, we have to go.
That's weird.
Warren said he'd be down to say goodbye.
Well, maybe he was captured by the evil agents from Allstate.
I knew I shouldn't have told you.
So he lied about everything.
He was very entertaining, so that makes it okay.
All set.
Hilda.
Hilda.
Oh, I was instructed to abort my mission immediately, but I couldn't leave without saying goodbye.
That's so sweet.
Oh, look, we don't have much time, so here, give me your telephone number.
Oh, jeez, not with that.
That's my vaporizing gun.
Okay, here, use a ballpoint.
You just never give up.
- There you go.
- I'll call you.
[THUMPING AND CREAKING.]
- Did you hear that? - What an odd noise.
- Oh, no.
- What's going on? Oh, this is the work of Dr.
Cyclops.
She really knows how to pick them.
I'll always remember you, Hilda, unless they remove my brain.
I don't believe it.
I guess he really was a secret agent.
Apparently not a very good one.
But he told the truth.
That's amazing.
And very heartwarming.
If he ever escapes, you can bet he'll call.
Yeah.
Oh.
Just wish I had given him my real phone number.
Fluffy.
Fluffy.
Wake up, they'll be back any minute.
- Salem.
- Someone brought catnip.
I swear I had nothing to do with it.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
You are so lucky Harvey's here.
Now, clean this place up and crack a window.
My head.
- You're back.
- Yeah, hi.
Hey, new shirt.
- And check out the socks.
- Nice.
- Let's go show them off at the Slicery.
- Actually, come on in.
We need to talk.
- Talk? - Yeah.
You see, I want us to have a completely honest relationship.
Okay.
And the truth is when I was on my ski vacation, something kind of happened.
Oh? - I met this amazing guy-- - You did? But he wasn't as amazing as you.
And going out with him made me realise I like you better.
- Okay, let's go to the Slicery.
- Sabrina.
Since we're being honest, I have something to tell you too.
Really? What? If you're ever away and you meet somebody really amazing, but you decide you like me better, don't tell me.
- Deal.
- Deal.
Wow.
No, no, no.
Fellas, you've got it all wrong.
Secret agent? No, no, no.
I'm an insurance salesman.
Yeah, and in fact I can prove it to you guys.
Here.
Let me just get my notebook out here and I'll crunch some numbers on a term life policy for you.
Now, let's just say that you're a 30-year-old non-smoker with a good job and a decent medical programme.
And your estimated time to die is now.
[CACKLING.]
In your eye, Dr.
Cyclops.
Yeah.
Ha, ha.
Boo!