See Dad Run (2012) s01e16 Episode Script

- Then dr.
Monkey chunks and princess pony broke up.
- Oh, shoot the ball.
Shoot the ball.
- Turns out dr.
Monkey chunks said a few words She can't take back.
- Baby, you know what brings friends together? Basketball.
Yay! - Yay! Wanna know what else? - Janie, remember how we play the "quiet game" When daddy watches the lakers? - Only talk during commercials.
- Exactly right.
[Referee whistle on tv.]
Which is now.
Go.
- And then dr.
Monkey chunks-- - Ooh! Wait, it's me.
™ª cali citrus o.
J.
™ª on my mind ™ª we've been friends for a long, long time ™ª my favorite way to start the day ™ª is with a shot of cali sun in my o.
J.
™ª ™ª Ah.
[Ding.]
That commercial makes me want to have some orange juice.
I can't even resist myself.
- I cannot believe he did that.
- I know.
- So lame.
- Whatever.
Both: seriously.
- Where's mom? - Mom is working late.
What's up? - Oh.
Relationship stuff.
Not really your territory.
- Come on, you can talk to me.
- Em, people who are really old Sometimes are, like, really wise.
Maybe you should listen to him.
- Thank you, zoe.
Come on.
Seriously, i'll even turn off the laker game.
- Okay.
So, I was visiting matthew During his shift at burger universe - mm-Hmm.
- And-- You only muted it.
Eyes here.
- Yes, right.
Sorry.
Okay, got it.
There we go.
- Anyway, he barely paid any attention to me.
He was all giggling and flirting And refilling ketchups with lauren.
- Lauren's the assistant manager.
- And his ex-Girlfriend.
- Well, um, Could he have been busy working? - Uh, hello? Ex-Girlfriend? Obviously, i need to talk to mom.
- No, wait.
Um-- That went well.
[Upbeat music.]
™ª - Hey, honey.
- Hey.
- Where's emily? She wanted to talk to me about something Before I left.
- Yeah, I know.
Amy, I was thinking about this last night.
Can you do me a fa-- Can you let me Handle this one, please? - You want to handle our teenage daughter's drama alone? - Yeah.
- Wow, look who's got his big-Boy pants on.
[Slaps.]
hmm? - But the thing is this.
She's 14 years old, right? - Right.
- In a couple years, she's gonna be Out of this house, And the window's closing for me to have The kind of bond with her that you do.
Right? And I just want her to talk to me more And have janie talk to me less.
- Aww, I think it's sweet you want that with emily.
Just keep me in the loop.
- No, I can't do that.
I can't keep you in the loop.
If I do that, she'll come running to you Every minute, okay? I need you to go cold turkey on this one.
- Okay.
Well, just give me the area.
Is it school? Mean girls? A boy thing? She and matthew are having problems, aren't they? - Good-Bye.
- This must be killing her.
- Good-Bye.
Come on.
- You're in over your head, david.
- All right.
- In over your head.
- I agree.
- Oh.
Hey, what? You don't even know what we're talking about.
- Yeah, but we both know that she is right.
- All I want is for emily to talk to me more, Open up to me about her problems.
- Why would you want to do that, man? You ever open up a jack-In-The-Box? With a teenage girl, it's, like-- [Humming pop goes the weasel.]
pop! I hate you! Mmm.
Mmm.
Ah.
May i? - Well, enjoy the free o.
J.
While you can.
I told cali citrus yesterday That I might not renew my contract with them.
- But, man, you've been mr.
Cali citrus For eight years.
Why would you think about quitting? - Marcus, because they used to woo me big-Time.
Remember? Always during contract renewal.
Remember my first contract with them When they rented that hot air balloon, So I could sign it While running my fingers through the clouds? - I was there, man.
That balloon ride was so romantic.
Then there was a beautiful breeze, And then when the sun was setting-- Remember that? We titanic'd, remember that? - That got weird, didn't it? - Yes, it did.
Yes, it did.
- Yeah.
- Yes, it did.
- Anyway, they just sent That contract to me in the mail.
There was no wooing.
Nothing.
- Aww, just a contract followed by a sack of money.
Poor david.
- Hey.
What is that? - "A taste of napa" gift basket from cali citrus.
- Ooh! Hey, let the wooing begin.
- That's a gift basket From dad's orange juice commercial.
- So? - Well, when dad negotiates new contracts, He gets all sorts of free stuff, Which means we can get all sorts of free stuff.
- I'm five.
Everything I get is free.
[Phone rings.]
[Phone beeps.]
hobbs' residence.
Oh.
It's cali citrus.
- Ooh.
Tell them thank you for the cute gift basket.
But I haven't decided yet, okay? Just keep them guessing.
- Oh, yeah.
And i'll keep 'em on hold for a little while Just to make 'em nervous.
[Laughs.]
I feel so dangerous right now.
- You know what? He needs to get out the house more, man.
And maybe get him a woman or something, 'Cause I don't know.
- Hey.
Emily, how's it going with matthew? - I really don't want to talk about it.
- Yeah, um-- Listen, I know you think That you can't talk to me, but you can.
Okay, trust me.
I'm a guy.
I know what guys think.
- I don't know, dad.
- Well, all right.
Then, um-- Just think of me as one of your girlfriends.
Right? We use the same hair products.
- I actually just tried something new.
- Yeah, I noticed the extra bounce.
It looks great.
- Right? [Sighs.]
all right, it's worth a shot.
So, I found out matthew took some extra shifts At burger universe.
- Right.
- Probably so he could spend more time with lauren.
- Okay, now, are you sure? That--That he's working extra shifts Just to be with her? - Yeah.
He used to want to spend every minute with me.
And now he's all, "Burgers aren't gonna flip themselves, babe.
" - Well, they don't.
One thing at a time.
- Where's mom? - Um, emily, I got it.
Look.
I'm kind of going through the same thing Right now.
You have to think of your relationship As a negotiation.
You have to play hard to get, all right? Don't return his text messages.
Don't return his phone calls.
He's got to understand that you're a great catch.
- Wow, that was actually pretty good advice.
Thanks, daddy.
- Oh.
Well.
It kind of reminds me of a special episode-- - No, no, no, no.
Don't ruin it.
- Hi, mom.
- Hi.
Oh, she looks happy.
- Uh-Huh.
- So, I guess whatever you're doing is working.
- Yes.
- What are you doing? - Don't.
No.
Not telling you.
You went all day without checking on me.
Leave it there.
- That's because every time i thought about it, I distracted myself.
I even took up knitting.
- Did you take up knitting or magic? - Check it out.
Golf clubs from cali citrus.
- Ooh! I'm starting to feel the woo.
Not a full woo, kind of a semi-Woo.
But i'm not swept off my feet yet.
But these are all right.
- You know, my wife once swept me off my feet.
Turns out I was standing on an oreo.
[Phone rings.]
- Recognize that ring.
That is the distinctive ring of desperation.
[Phone beeps.]
chello? Hi.
Hey, listen.
I want to thank you for the golf clubs.
They're, um-- They're cute.
Yeah.
Hey, can you call me back in a few minutes? I'm on the phone with the florida grapefruit people.
Yes.
Oh.
Thank you.
[Phone beeps.]
- There's an offer from florida grapefruit? - Of course not, but cali citrus doesn't know that.
Ahh.
- Ahh - uh? - Ahh.
What's happening here? - Look, florida grapefruit never called, kevin.
It's a negotiating tactic.
- Oh.
Ahh.
- Let's go in the yard and test these babies out.
Hey, kids, if cali citrus calls, Tell them i'm busy.
- Ahh.
[Laughs.]
- Kevin, we're done with that.
- Oh.
[Phone rings.]
[Phone beeps.]
- Chello.
It's cali citrus.
Watch me work.
Sorry, but my dad's super busy Trying to fix his broken video game system.
Okay, thanks.
Bye.
[Phone beeps.]
- Daddy's system isn't broken.
- But mine is.
Uh? - Ahh.
- Yeah.
- Hey, dad.
This is my friend, dean.
I've been tutoring him in history.
- Hey.
- Oh.
This feels right.
- Yeah.
I get that a lot, actually.
- You know what's cool about history? After anything happens, it--It becomes history.
God, like, what I just said is history now.
And that too.
- Dean, I need to talk to my dad for a sec.
Why don't you get started on the next chapter? "Causes of the civil war.
" It's due tomorrow.
- So history's due in the future.
How is that even possible? - Don't worry about it.
You'll probably be doing this again next year.
- Wow, that explains why he needs a tutor.
- Matthew totally ignored me ignoring his texts.
He's not fighting for me at all, dad.
- Well, he just need to realize That there's a ton of guys out there That are dying to woo you.
- Like who? I don't know.
Like--Like don.
- Dean? - Is there a chance there's a don? - No.
- No? All right, then dean.
- He's super cute, but he's dean.
I've never really thought of him like that.
- All right, well, matthew doesn't know that, right? So you gotta keep him guessing.
Let his imagination run wild.
So what you do for your next tutoring session, Take dean here to burger universe.
That way matthew doesn't think you're just sitting around Waiting for him.
- Wow, dad, you're on a roll.
- That reminds me of our special episode, See dad on a roll, hold the mayo, where i-- - No, no, no, no.
- Right? - Don't ruin it.
- Fruit center.
Fruit center.
White? - Hey, dad.
What's a "nougat"? - No one knows.
- Hey, dad.
- Yeah.
[Door closes.]
- Turns out your advice was perfect.
- Okay, matthew saw you and dean together, Got jealous, and you guys made up? - Nope.
Matthew saw us, He completely ignored me again, And we broke up.
- [Gasps.]
they broke up? Oh, I knew it.
I'm out of the loop for one second.
[Thud.]
ugh.
- Well, good for you, emily.
- You were right, dad.
Matthew doesn't deserve me.
I am a great catch.
- You are a great catch.
And i'm a great catch.
We're both good catches, how about that? - Thank you, daddy.
- All right.
[Smooches.]
- What have you done? - What have I done? I just made our daughter happy.
- You broke her up with matthew.
- And she couldn't be happier.
- David, he was firnd.
Obviously, she's lying to herself.
You can't just get over a relationship that quickly.
- Or maybe somebody's a little upset That they're out of the loop.
How am I looking in my big-Boy pants now? [Doorbell rings.]
- David hobbs.
- Son of.
- Delivery from cali citrus.
- Thanks.
- There's more.
- Hello, game system.
- Hello, pony.
- How did you get a pony? - I know how to answer the phone too.
Chello? Go big or go home.
[Pony passes gas.]
- Oh.
He just went big.
- Hey, guys.
Come on.
We've got school in 20 minutes.
[Pony whinnies.]
- Be right there.
- Hey.
What is that? - My "matthew" box.
It's just a bunch of memories from our relationship, Which is totally over now.
- [Loudly.]
going for a run! I'm just gonna stretch for a second.
So talk amongst yourselves.
Can't hear a thing.
- Amy.
- Mm-Hmm.
[Loudly.]
yeah? - Your earbuds, they're not plugged into anything.
- Oh, I still can't hear anything.
Catch you guys later.
All right.
[Door closes.]
- Your mom is a piece of work.
What's in there? - Nothing.
Just some things i thought i'd keep forever.
You know, like, pictures and movie ticket stubs.
Our "whale lovers forever" bumper sticker.
Yet another lie.
- I'm proud of you, emily.
You're moving on.
- So moving on.
You know, matthew made it clear He wasn't interested in making Any new memories with me, So why keep the old ones? Besides, i'm with dean now.
- Oh, hey.
Mr.
H.
Hope you don't mind me letting myself in Now that we're family, you know.
Hey, group hug.
- Oh, yes.
- Yeah.
This feels even right-Er.
- Well, as long as emily's happy, i'm happy.
- Whoa.
You guys have got a hot gardener.
- Hey, gents, what's going on? - He's your best friend.
You tell him.
- You are the one who has his poster Above your bed.
You tell him.
- Cali citrus dropped you.
- Look, don't shoot the messenger, david, Which is clearly kevin.
They said you weren't responding to any of their wooing, So they moved on.
- Wow.
Okay.
- Look, look, man.
Look.
If they don't want to give you any new commercials, Fine.
They don't deserve you.
- Yeah.
We're moving on.
Ugh! - Hey! That's all I have left! What was that? - An act of anger on your behalf That was not well thought through.
- Look, man.
We'll get you a new sponsorship like florida grapefruit.
- Marcus, I don't want a rebound juice.
I was with cali citrus for eight years.
You can't expect me to get over a relationship that fast.
- Nobody gets over a relationship that fast.
- Yeah.
Not even emily.
No.
Oh.
Dean.
Dean is her rebound juice.
- What? - The hot gardener was right.
- David, you're not thinking clearly here.
Jose's cute, but he's certainly not hot.
- I told emily to play hard to get with matthew, They've broken up, and now she's with dean, And it's all my fault.
- So you gave your daughter dating advice Based on an orange juice commercial negotiation? - Well, when you say it like that-- I gotta fix this.
I have to fix this for emily.
I really do.
Joe! Janie, let's go.
We're going to burger universe.
- Kevin, find out what this freakishly small horse wants.
- Here are your two junior astro meals.
[Imitating rocket blast.]
Hey, mr.
Hobbs.
- Matthew.
Listen, emily told me that you guys broke up, And I just wanted to make sure That that's what you really want.
- Well, it doesn't matter since emily's with dean now.
[Car horn honks.]
You can't hold up the line, mr.
Hobbs.
- Okay.
[Car horn honks.]
Oh.
Oh.
Okay.
Fine.
He's got my change.
- Welcome to burger universe Where our burgers are out of this world.
May I take your order? - What's the deal with you and lauren? - Is that you, mr.
Hobbs? - Yes, matthew.
It's me.
What's the deal? - You have to place an order.
- Give me another junior astro meal.
- With the girl toy this time.
- With the girl toy.
- That's one junior astro meal with a girl toy.
Please pull up to the window.
- Is there something going on with you and lauren? - I told emily we're just friends.
[Car honks.]
You can't keep holding up the line.
- Oh, fine.
- Hey, can we get some extra big dipper dip? - And saturn rings.
- You've got to be kidding me.
- Look.
Emily is only with dean Because she thinks you like lauren.
- But I don't.
- Well, then, why are you always at work? - I've been working extra shifts, So I can get emily a gift for our three-Month anniversary.
- Well, matthew, why don't you tell her that? You've got to fight for emily.
- It's too late.
She's moved on.
She's here with dean now.
[Car horn honking.]
- Emily! Emily, I gave you bad advice.
I was wrong.
- Is that my dad? - I didn't know your dad worked here.
Cool.
- Matthew doesn't like lauren.
He was working extra shifts To buy you an anniversary gift.
- You kind of ruined the surprise, mr.
Hobbs.
- Matthew, i'm an actor.
I know about these things.
You have to fight for emily.
- That one didn't need to go over the loudspeaker.
- Is what my dad said true? - Emily, this area's for employees only.
You're not even wearing a hairnet.
- Were you really working extra shifts Just so you could buy me an anniversary gift? - Surprise.
- What's up? - I'm so getting fired.
Did anybody here wash their hands? - Dean, i am so sorry I mixed you up in all of this.
You're a great guy.
- It's all good.
I can see that you two Are totally meant to be together.
Plus, i've been having trouble Getting that hot gardener out of my mind.
- Matthew.
I should've just trusted you instead of thinking the worst.
I was just upset because you weren't fighting for me.
I'm really sorry.
Can you forgive me? - I can do better than that.
- I'm still here.
Kind of gross.
- Our first make-Up fry.
Just sorry I threw out my "matthew" box.
- Actually - [gasps.]
you saved it? - Your mom.
- Back in the loop.
- Thanks, mom.
Thank you, daddy.
- You're welcome.
- Glad to know you're always there for me.
- This kind of reminds me Of our season eight cliff-Hanger-- - No, no, no, no, no.
Don't ruin it.
- I can't believe dad's making us clean up After buttercup for a whole week.
- You'd think a mini horse would have mini poop.
- So wrong.
- Hey, joe.
- Yeah.
- Listen to me.
Put that in a paper bag, Go over to marcus's house.
Put it on his doorstep, ring the bell-- - Wait! - [Laughs.]
and then run!