She-Wolf of London (1990) s01e16 Episode Script

MARTY: It's Allan Decker who's doing it.
That damn lawyer has turned her against me.
BUNNIE: Don't think about earthly worries.
(MARTY SIGHING) Feel the harmonies converging.
(INHALES DEEPLY) Feel the power flowing from Jupiter's moons into your spirit.
Healing you.
I feel the moons.
I feel, I feel I feel like Decker is sucking me dry.
I can hardly afford these sessions.
Relax.
Reach out to the cosmos.
Feel the heat of Io.
The depth of Callisto.
The strength of Caliban.
(GASPS) Oh, God.
I feel it.
I feel it.
Now let it converge.
Feel all the lunar forces converging in your essence.
Yes! Welcome to America's most pathetic home videos.
Excuse me, this is a private therapy session.
You can't film here.
Karen! What are you doing? Gathering evidence, darling, just like Allan suggested.
This tawdry little scene will cost you your half of the beach house and all the Exxon stock.
Nice try.
But Bunnie is a registered planetary therapist.
She is trying to heal the stress our divorce is causing me.
You know, Karen, most earthly ailments are actually caused by a misalignment of the powers of cosmic bodies.
So by converging Tell the space slut to get out before I kick her asteroids down the stairs.
(SIGHING) Do you have any idea how hard it was to get a session with her? (SHOUTING) Do you have any idea how hard it was to get a session with her? Cruising up and down Hollywood Boulevard must have been hell.
Here! Maybe that'll make up for it.
A court order? This is Allan Decker's doing.
Of course.
You have two hours to vacate the premises.
If you are really nice, I might let you keep some of your clothes.
I'll be back at midnight.
Don't be here, or I'll have to call the cops.
Well, think again, honey.
I have had you dogged by a private eye for months.
You shouldn't let yourself be photographed naked with your lovers.
All the cellulite shows.
can be so cruel.
And so can I, babe.
You and your lawyer have sucked the last drop of my blood.
Don't worry, darling.
There's always one more drop.
(SNARLING) IAN: It looks like the ocean floor to me.
TIFFANY: (LAUGHING) Well, actually, it's a soccer field.
The mermaids of Mer were avid athletes.
Ah, a figurehead from a sunken galleon.
(LAUGHING) No, that's me.
A birthday present from the Gillmen of Antarctica.
A remarkable likeness.
(LAUGHS) This used to be such a good neighborhood, and now it's gone to hell.
You can't take a walk without stepping on a stingray.
A classic case of urban blight.
We had our problems, but this wasn't the Bronx.
The undersea kingdom of Mer made Atlantis look like a dive.
(LAUGHS) No pun intended.
So what happened to the kingdom? Oxygen.
It was the big fad.
Like everyone wanted to walk on dry land.
But Mer was way ahead of its time.
We had shopping malls and bowling alleys Fish markets? Don't be silly.
The fish are our friends.
And in some cases our relatives.
Well, there was this scrod on my father's side who was so obnoxious.
Thank you.
And that brings our show to a close.
I'd like to thank our guest, Tiffany Schwartz, the last surviving citizen of the undersea world of Mer, for sharing her secrets with us.
Big secrets.
This is Dr.
Lan Matheson bidding you adieu.
(BELL RINGING) What a show.
(SHOUTS) Worm.
Moi? That is no way to treat the man who just saved your show? This is supposed to be a serious exploration of the supernatural.
She certainly looks supernatural to me.
And that she definitely warrants some further exploration.
You (LAUGHING) Fantastic show, lan.
Fantastic! Land-ho! (LAUGHING) There's one fish I'd love to scale.
What happened to my guest, Dr.
Jean-Marc Lofficier, the leading expert on Euro-mythological icons? Who? Oh! Lost.
Hopelessly lost.
Yeah, he, you know, took a wrong turn, went east instead of west.
You know, actually, it's a tragic thing, actually, old age taking its toll.
He's 31.
And there's the alcoholism, which You gotta book more reliable guests.
And you're just lucky that I was here to find somebody or you'd have been out there interviewing dead space.
Funny, I thought I was.
Your secretary gave him wrong directions.
In fact, isn't she your secretary? If she's not, she soon will be.
(BELL RINGING) You are everything, every personification, every disgusting thing that is despicable about men.
Yeah, that's why women want me.
Excuse me, gotta go bait my hook.
He's just Wait! I want to kill him.
I have a surprise for you.
You're going to kill him? It's been in the planning stages for days.
I think you're going to like it.
You've hired someone to kill him.
Put this on.
No thanks, I'd rather watch.
And enjoy.
Lan, what are you doing? Go straight ahead.
(LAUGHING) Where? This way.
Here we go.
RANDl: Lan, I'm feeling pretty ridiculous.
Would you please tell me where we are going? I can't see anything.
IAN: Patience.
Patience.
We're nearly there.
(RANDI SIGHING) Was it really necessary to blindfold me? (CHUCKLING) I didn't want to spoil the surprise.
I've had enough surprises for one year, thank you.
I think you're going to enjoy this one, Randi.
(WHISTLES) Nice place.
So what happens now? That is entirely up to you.
Isn't this the part where my long-Iost Aunt Esther jumps out from behind a potted palm or something? Well, I certainly hope not.
Whoever lives here sure has your taste in books.
And mine.
Open it.
This is my book.
What is going on here? Who lives here? We do.
We do? Let me show you around.
I had all of your belongings shipped from England.
And bought you a few new ones.
(LAUGHS) I see you've thought of everything.
(SIGHS) I try.
(CHUCKLES) Follow me.
This is where I shall prepare our gourmet feasts.
You mean where you'll unwrap them and stick them in the microwave? A good chef never reveals his secrets.
Ah-ha.
How can we possibly afford all this? We have been saving up.
Well, it's very nice, but have you forgotten about my little problem? You really did think of everything.
It's soundproof and quite solid.
I had it specially constructed by a contractor, who, incidentally, thinks we're a very kinky couple.
Well, we are.
I mean, after all, how much kinkier can you get than turning into a werewolf once a month.
Oh, we could try it.
I think it's about time.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) (DOORBELL RINGING) One minute.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) (DOORBELL RINGING) Dr.
Matheson! Thank God I found you.
How did you find me? The guy at the TV station, Skip, sent me here.
It's urgent that I talk with you.
Well, I have more pressing business.
My ex-wife is a vampire.
She and her lowlife attorney are bleeding me dry! Isn't that what ex-wives and attorneys are for? I think you have lan confused with Handy Andy, the problem solver? So, just call the TV station and they can find you a good lawyer.
Can he help me with this? Tell us more.
(SIGHS) He's dead? I think that says it all.
RANDl: This is not my idea of a romantic evening.
IAN: So the atmosphere wasn't great.
But try to look at the bright side.
We certainly met a lot of new and interesting people.
We spent the last two hours surrounded by junkies and hookers.
And discovered a whole new world of employment possibilities.
I don't think standing on a street corner for Fast Leroy fits into either of our career plans.
At least we aren't sharing a jail cell with him.
(SIGHS) I never thought we'd get out of that police station.
When a man drops dead in your apartment, hardly a drop of blood in his body, it's only natural the police might have a few questions.
And when there are fang marks in his neck, that's when I have questions.
You mean, you didn't believe what they said, about the suction device? No, I do, indeed.
The kind that is repulsed by the sun, garlic and has no reflection.
I have a few questions.
Like how to kill a vampire? Like where did you get this car? I told you, I've been saving up.
This car is nothing more than a small monthly payment.
For the rest of my life.
Next question.
All right, where are we going? To see our new home, of course.
Don't you think the loft and the car were enough for one day? (WHISTLING) Not a bad spot.
Yes.
Mrs.
Colfax? The former Mrs.
Colfax, yes.
She's taking it pretty hard, isn't she? Who are you? Lan Matheson.
My associate, Miss Wallace.
We were driving by, and noticed that someone had left this sign on the lawn.
Let's all help to keep our neighborhood clean.
Did it ever occur to you that maybe I put that sign there? Of course not.
Why would you be selling a house that belongs to us? Now you will be out by Wednesday, won't you? (LAUGHING) This is some kind of a joke, right? Not at all.
This is my house.
Marty willed it to me.
I see.
Well, perhaps you had better come in.
What a lovely home you have.
We're going to be so happy here.
Just wait right here.
I'm going to call my lawyer and get this straightened out.
What are you doing? Haven't you heard the saying about bearding the lion in his own den? Yes, but I never understood what it meant.
(WHISPERING) Allan there is a couple here claiming that Marty left them my house in his will.
Now, the worm must have drafted a new one.
Call me immediately.
(SIGHS) I'm afraid you're just going to have to leave right now.
Before we've had a chance to look over our new home? You know, I don't know what kind of game Marty was playing with you, but this is my house.
Now, my lawyer will call you and straighten everything out in the morning.
I think everything is straight.
As long as I have this.
This? This? This.
Marty's last will and testament.
In his own hand.
Personally witnessed by Miss Wallace and myself just before he died.
Yes.
Oh, and you have this will with you? One copy.
Of course, we have, another copy in our safety-deposit box.
(EXCLAIMS) I knew there was something I meant to do on the way here.
Um, lan.
And you are the only witnesses? (STAMMERING) Yes, if you don't count Judge Baxter.
Our beagle.
So no one else knows about this? Not a living soul.
(CLEARS THROAT) Excuse me.
You said you were going to, uh, beard the lion, not open its jaws and jump in its mouth This is a nice room, very good light.
I'm glad you're enjoying the house, because it's the last thing you're ever going to see.
(SNARLING) Lan! (EXCLAIMS) (GROANING) (GROANS) Real estate in this town is brutal.
What are we going to do now? I suppose we could call Handy Andy.
Wax.
So, someone turned her into a vampire.
But who? (GASPS) I think it's time to find some wooden stakes.
Or maybe it's time we find ourselves a lawyer.
So what brought you to Menzies, Brockman and Kovacs? RANDl: You.
I must warn you, I am very expensive.
And coldhearted, vicious and ruthless.
And everything I'm looking for in a lawyer, Mr.
Decker.
You're the talk of Rodeo Drive.
You flatter me.
I like that in a woman.
So why don't you tell me a little about your scoundrel of a husband, Mrs.
Matheson? He doesn't even bother to hide his indiscretions from me anymore.
He parades his lovers in front of me, just to be cruel.
How could any man stray when he has a woman as beautiful as you? He likes to possess things, and once he has them, the thrill is gone, and, well, he loves He loves the chase.
Don't we all? Yes, but that's no excuse.
A lot of men are like that.
They don't appreciate what they have.
The question is do you want to leave him or do you want to hurt him? What do you think? I think you stayed with him because he gave you a nice allowance.
And now you want something to caress besides your piggy bank.
But he pays you to stay Ionely.
(SOBBING) Yeah.
(SNIFFING) I'm sorry.
Sometimes the truth is hard.
You want to hurt him, even worse than he hurt you.
Hmm And you want to paid handsomely for doing it.
Yes.
Well, does that make me a monster? No, I'll be the monster.
May I? I don't have any money.
You will.
By the end of the settlement conference, we'll arrange to have with him and his attorney tomorrow.
I don't know how to thank you.
Seeing a smile on your face is thanks enough.
That, and dinner together when this is settled.
Thank you.
(SIGHS) (SIGHS) Well, he may not be a vampire, but he's definitely a snake.
His office probably sees more action than the Hyatt at lunch hour.
What makes you so sure he isn't a vampire.
Vampires can't face the sun.
Maybe he has a good sunscreen.
Vampires don't have a reflection.
Maybe he has a very good sunscreen.
And vampires are supposed to be undeniably seductive.
(MOANS) Like that.
And he wasn't? Are you kidding? No, I'm relieved.
(GROANING) Tell me, is it me or is it the full moon? I wish tonight wasn't the night.
So do I.
But we'll have an entire month to make up for it.
In the meantime, I think I know a way of drawing our vampire out.
(GROANING) Time to go.
(SHOUTING) (METAL CLANGING) Just sign on the dotted line.
That's it.
What is this? Nothing.
What is it? Nothing really.
(GROANING) (GROWLING) (SIGHS) Just a premarital agreement.
(GROWLING) Let me do all the talking.
Have you noticed it's like a freezer in here? Now that you mention it, yes.
They say it's because all the lawyers here have ice water in their veins.
They also say it's because they've got so much dead meat stored here.
You have a wonderful way of putting your clients at ease.
I don't want you to be at ease.
They're smart and they're merciless.
Allan Decker is particularly inhuman.
Hmm, so I've heard.
Your wife must hate your guts.
Thank you both for coming in.
I'm sure we can handle this quickly and cleanly, and with affection.
After all, we aren't talking about a business transaction here, we're talking about two people, who once loved each other very deeply.
We're prepared to make a rational and fair settlement that's in the best interests of both parties.
Well, that's a relief.
I was afraid we might have one of those nasty fights on our hands, which would only compound the tragedy of this broken marriage.
Now, all Miss Matheson would like is a $250,000 payment, $1,300 a week, the apartment in Paris, the loft in Santa Monica, and the Jaguar.
(CLEARING THROAT) Tell me, in your most generous settlement, do I get to keep anything? Your manhood, if you can find it.
That settlement is totally unacceptable.
The figures are a joke.
If you want to laugh, you should see my wife in bed.
(CLEARING THROAT) I was just too much woman for him.
Too much tonnage.
Now, now, everybody.
Let's be civil about this.
The only person you've ever satisfied is yourself.
(RING CLANGING) Well, I certainly couldn't rely on you.
Enough! Let's get back to the pertinent issues here.
Let's.
I think, considering the circumstances, that we have been unusually generous.
But, if you prefer, we could detail the full extent of Mr.
Matheson's adultery for the court.
I'm sure they'd be sympathetic to his libidinous escapades.
They certainly would after they've taken a look at her.
You made a sacred agreement in front of God to love, honor and cherish.
And you signed a binding premarital agreement, that renders the question of Mr.
Matheson's adultery moot.
I think you'll find they each agreed to leave the marriage with what they brought to it.
Which, in Mrs.
Matheson's case, is $23 and a Denny's uniform.
Did you sign this? No, I This is worthless.
I'll rip it apart in court.
It's your time, her money.
We really don't care how you spend it.
You know where to find us when you've come to your senses.
By the way, here's my bill, it's all in the premarital agreement.
Next time, read the small print.
Damn, that felt good.
I have nothing.
I've lost.
I don't lose.
Ever.
But the premarital agreement You didn't hear me.
I don't lose.
By the time I'm done with him, he will beg for mercy.
But you don't understand, she's right.
I don't have a job.
I don't have any money to pay you.
I You want a job? You can be my temporary secretary.
The money will come later.
Quite a bit of it, I promise you.
We'll let him keep the Denny's uniform.
He'll be wearing it by the time we're through with him.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) (CLEARING THROAT) And who have we here? Your new guest.
What do you think? I'd say Dr.
Charles Dornacker has remarkable cleavage for a 43-year-old man.
Oh, oops, I'm sorry.
The doc couldn't make it.
Lost? Dead.
Dead? Or lost.
I'm not sure.
The point is, I came through for you again.
Yeah, but Don't thank me, that's what pals are for.
So, who is she? Well, here's what happened.
This whacko came to the studio looking for you, right? And he's raving something about vampires, and something clicked.
I thought, " How strange.
" You get it? I thought of the show and I thought of you.
The two things I think about most.
Meet Demonica Darkly.
A bloodsucking vampire from hell.
And the last surviving mermaid from Mer.
Yeah, she's had a rough life.
Hmm It's always the quiet ones.
What's on her face? Who's looking at her face? Well, I don't know.
It's a little pancake makeup I guess.
Why? (TONGUE CLICKING) You have just come through for me again.
Enjoy the interview.
(LAUGHS) So how do you like being a vampire? Do you ever get tired of sucking blood? (GROANS) Bat get your tongue? (LAUGHING) How about going back to my place and we'll look at my Gahan Wilson drawings? Eat your heart out, Charles Addams.
(CHUCKLING) WOMAN ON PHONE: Los Angeles County Library.
IAN: Yes, I'm interested in a career in wax.
Are there any books you could recommend? I still don't see the point of this meeting, Mr.
Decker.
Call me Allan.
Your client is paying for this time, Mr.
Decker.
Perhaps you could get to the point? Our clients are acting out of hurt and anger.
We have the ability to see things clearly.
Together, perhaps we can spare them any more pain and ugliness.
By getting my client to give Mrs.
Matheson everything she wants? Or is it everything you want her to want? Nancy, I'm surprised at you.
I'm even a little hurt.
I know your routines, Decker.
I've talked to a lot of lawyers who fell for them.
The ones you didn't eat alive.
Well, I guess that's it, then.
That's it? We'll see you in court.
Although, I think with our prenuptial agreement, we won't be seeing you there for long.
I hate to think that you came down here for nothing.
Especially since my office doesn't validate parking.
Or does my client pay for that, too? I'll take care of that.
It's worth it to say I got to see Allan Decker operate up close and to walk away from the table.
That's what you think.
I don't get to walk away? You haven't seen me operate up close at all.
If you had, you wouldn't want to walk away.
Do you see what I mean? You're very sure of yourself.
I'm very sure of you.
I'm very sure you're the most desirable woman I have ever seen.
(PHONE RINGING) I think you dropped this.
Thank you.
Can I help you? Not as much as you're helping Allan, I'm sure.
Horace Menzies, senior partner.
You must be Allan's new girl.
Randi Wallace.
Matheson! Randi Wallace Matheson.
Could you tell Allan the partners' meeting started five minutes ago, Randi? Yes.
Sure.
(PHONE RINGING) Shoot! (NANCY MOANING) (GASPS) Excuse me.
Uh, it's all right, Randi.
What is it? Um, Mr.
Menzies said that the partners' meeting started five minutes ago.
So it did.
I believe you know Miss Chambers.
We were just discussing your case.
(SIGHS) I think you'll be very happy with what we've decided.
I know I am.
More important, I think your ex will be very unhappy.
Nancy's going to give him the news right now.
Maybe we can celebrate tonight.
Yes.
Just you and me.
Oh, my God! Come on, lan, be home.
Be home.
Excuse me, Miss Matheson, or shall I say Miss Wallace? (CLEARING THROAT) It's Matheson.
Mrs.
Matheson.
Is it now? Well, it won't be for long.
With Allan Decker handling your divorce, you'll be a free woman in no time.
Oh, yes.
We've got them nailed.
I expect a settlement offer today.
Very good.
And I'm going to throw it right back in their faces.
We got any Sweet'N Low? (GROWLS) (SIGHS) (WICKED LAUGHTER) The artisans of the wax museums strived to create amazingly lifelike figures that could be mistaken for the models themselves.
Like Michelangelo or Rodin, Irv Schmeltzer immortalized people as they lived, capturing their features, down to the texture of their skin, in the subtle glory of wax.
Good evening, Doctor.
Counselor.
What a pleasant surprise.
I didn't hear you knock.
You must have been absorbed in your reading.
Indeed.
The Irv Schmeltzer story is riveting.
I've come with some good news and some bad news.
The good news always makes the bad news easier to take.
I've reached a settlement on your behalf with Allan Decker.
And the bad news? Your ex-wife gets everything.
You have a remarkable knack for negotiation.
Have you ever worked at the William Morris Agency? I'm looking at things with a different perspective.
And looking a bit pale.
Nice scarf.
I've joined Menzies and Brockman.
I see.
I don't think the bar association would approve.
(GROWLING) Screw them! (GROWLING) (GROANING) (METAL CLANGING) You should know this is a serious breach of legal ethics! How will I live with myself? (GROWLING) (GROANING) What a stunning turn of events.
Come on, lan, be there, please.
(PHONE RINGING) (GROANS) This is lan.
Oh, thank God that you're there.
Listen.
We have got to You've reached lan Matheson and Randi Wallace.
Oh, damn it.
Please leave a message, and we'll return the call.
(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS) Lan, everybody in this office is a vampire! And I think that your lawyer just turned into one, okay? So, be very careful! (GROWLING) (GASPS) You haven't seen the Sweet'N Low, have you? Sorry, no.
No problem.
I think your blood will be perfectly sweet without it.
This law firm is a den of vampires, right? That's our reputation, and we try and live up to it.
But you're not supposed to be here.
You're supposed to be wearing a black cape and living in a castle somewhere.
I traded it in for Armani.
And a Century City high-rise.
(SCOFFS) Times change, Randi.
You mean, endlessly seducing women and sucking their blood wasn't enough for you? It was boring.
Imagine spending your days only eating.
And then imagine it for an eternity.
My heart bleeds for you.
Oh! That's just an expression.
It's okay.
I'm used to the callous attitude mortals have towards vampires.
I'm used to wandering the Earth reviled, hunted, hated.
That's why I became a lawyer.
A natural transition.
I wanted a purpose in life, a reason to get up in the evening.
Now I can give something back to society.
You are a true humanitarian.
(EXCLAIMS) (LAUGHING) This is a cross, if you haven't noticed.
Like I said, times change, Randi.
Look around you, you're living in a secular society.
And you're an atheist? No, actually, I'm a member of PTL.
RECORDING: Menzies and Brockman's is closed for the day.
If you would like to leave a message (PHONE BEEPING) (PHONE RINGING) WOMAN ON PHONE: Hello, Wing Fong's Chinese Delicacy.
IAN: Yes, lan Matheson here.
(ELECTRICITY WINDING DOWN) (DEVICE BEEPING) (SIGHS) (PHONE RINGING) You'd be surprised how easily we fit in, and how easily we were able to attract new lawyers to our firm.
And convince them to join our ranks.
They didn't balk at living at night and preying on innocent people? Immortality is not a hard sell.
Especially when they discover they can face themselves in the mirror and walk in the light of day, knowing they are part of a noble profession.
You'll see.
You don't think that I'm going to become one of you! You'll learn to love it.
(GROWLING) Or you'll die.
(ALL GROWLING) She lied to me, tricked me, used all of us.
She's dishonest, deceitful, and, I suspect, malicious at heart.
You didn't have to call a partners' meeting just to tell us that.
I think I speak for everyone here that if you want to kill her, that's your right.
Kill her? Why would I want to do that? Yeah, why would he want to do that? But you just said You're not listening, Horace.
This woman is a natural lawyer.
Think of what an asset she would be to the firm.
Thank you very much, but I already have a job.
In fact, I'm a little late right now, so excuse me for a Now you've worked with her, Allan, and if you have confidence in her, that's good enough for me.
All in favor of this young woman being a partner, raise your hands.
It's decided then.
Welcome to the firm.
Yes, welcome.
You can't do this.
I don't know anything about law.
I can teach you everything you need to know.
(GASPS) With these.
(GROANING) Ow.
Your face! Damn! This is a $200 shirt! Horace, I have had it with this building.
Good morning, chaps.
(GROANING) I've had second thoughts about our divorce.
I think we should give it another shot.
All right.
Let's wait until the kids are grown, okay? Let's go.
I take thee again, Mrs.
Matheson.
To love and honor? To cherish and to hold.
(SCREAMS) (GROWLING) One vampire, going down.
What was in this? My favorite dish.
Garlic chicken.
(CHUCKLES) Not a bad last meal.
There's one problem.
Oh? Yes, if you kill a vampire with Chinese food, does that mean an hour later he's undead again? (GIGGLES) To a job well done.
To a job well done.
Umm, splendid.
Exactly how was it done? We simply turned up the heat.
They wore rather ingenious wax masks with a rather low melting point.
My hero.
Actually, you should thank Irv Schmeltzer, the artisan of wax.
I'd rather thank you.
If you insist.
I could get used to this.
I hope so.
Oh, wait a minute.
What about the prenuptial agreement? What prenuptial agreement? The one that gives you everything and me nothing.
Oh, that one! Yes.
(LAUGHING) It's ashes.
Oh.
Mmm.
RANDl: Oh, lan! (RANDI LAUGHING) (GLASS SHATTERING) (GROWLING) (SIGHS) (GROWLING) (THUMPING ON DOOR) Relax, Randi! Take a deep breath.
Attagirl.
What can I say? You bring out the beast in me.
(LAUGHS) Not exactly the beast I had in mind.
You know, maybe we're jumping to conclusions.
I mean, maybe Maybe my transformation doesn't have anything to do with passion at all.
Maybe it was something I ate.
Right.
No more champagne.
No more escargot.
No more truffles.
We'll live without.
(GASPS) One second.
(RANDI GROANING) (GASPING) (GROWLING) Randi, think! Think of cheeseburgers! Think of baseball scores! Think of ugly relatives.
They always work for me.
(GROWLING) Come on.
Come on.
(GASPING) What are we going to do? We'll live without.
We can't do that forever.
Then, we'll have to find you a cure very soon.
Find us a cure.
(LAUGHS) To us.
(EXCLAIMS)