Sledge Hammer! s01e16 Episode Script

Trust me.
I know what I'm doing.
Majoy, hold this sleazeball for questioning.
I have a feeling he was about to commit a crime, so find out what he was gonna do and book him.
You can't arrest someone before they commit a crime.
This is Crime Prevention Week, remember? All right.
Oh! Anybody mind if I turn on the TV? There's this show I gotta see.
I haven't seen you this excited about TV since they colourised World War II.
- What's so important? - Liam Jackson is being interviewed.
- We should have more judges like him.
- We did.
In the Spanish Inquisition.
That man is over the edge.
Didn't he put a man on Death Row and leave him there untiI he died of old age? Nobody mentions his sense of humour.
'In keeping with Crime Prevention Week, 'my speciaI guest is Superior Court Judge Liam Jackson.
'Welcome, Your Honour.
'You've got quite a reputation as a hardliner.
'You have been referred to as the "hanging judge".
When did you get that name?' 'At my baptism.
' 'We know how you feeI about the death penalty.
'Where do you stand on the electric chair?' 'Right next to the switch.
'Hey, you! This is City property, you litterbug!' Hammer, turn that damn thing off, please.
You just can't take it, can you? Well, I'll tell you one thing.
That's my kind of judge.
I hand him the criminals on a silver platter and he carves the turkeys up.
The Surgeon GeneraI should issue a warning against listening to Hammer.
Oh, he's not so bad, Captain.
Once you get to know Hammer the way I have .
.
you feeI exactly the same.
A city full of rejects, waiting to get busted, and you're taking me for a walk in the park.
Hammer, it's our lunch hour.
It's a good idea we take time to appreciate nature.
Hey, listen, I appreciate nature as much as the next guy, OK? Oh, look.
Come on, I'll buy you an ice cream.
Hammer! Well, I'm ready to hit the streets.
Oh, Hammer, it was a nice change of pace.
You know it.
You just can't admit it.
Hammer? Your Honour, I'd like you to meet my partner, Dori Doreau.
- A pleasure to meet you, Your Honour.
- She's a pacifist.
So you're hearing cases on park benches now? No, I've eaten my lunch here every day for the last ten years.
It's very relaxing.
Want to make something of it? Isn't he something? - It's a great responsibility, being a judge.
- It's all in the execution.
Your Honour, if there were a few more judges like you and more cops like me, there'd be no criminals on the streets.
There'd be no people on the streets, but you can't have everything.
Sledge, we have to be going.
It was a pleasure, Your Honour.
- Likewise.
- You go ahead.
I'll catch up.
OK.
Your Honour, that autograph? Oh, yeah, right.
I haven't got a Here.
"To Sledge.
"Judge Jackson.
" Your Honour.
It's been an honour, Your Honour.
Long live the death penalty.
- Excuse me.
May I sit here? - Certainly.
Approach the bench.
- You come here every day? - Yes, I do.
- How do you know that? - You just told me.
You know, you're a very attractive man.
No, I'm not.
Just exactly what is it that you want? I'd like to take you to a quiet little bistro.
I have a speciaI table there.
I have a triaI in an hour.
Or I could call in the verdict.
Guilty.
Come.
Good.
I'm very impressed.
You're a wonderfuI pooI player.
I would let you win a game, but I never give clemency.
I hope I'm not boring.
Maybe I could make this game more interesting.
- The loser sleeps with the winner? - No, how about $50,000? How about $150,000? - What a kidder! - OK, rack 'em, judge.
Light.
Seven in the corner.
- $150,000.
- You're serious.
- You bet.
- You haven't got any witnesses.
I'm not going to pay.
Oh, yes, you are.
- Who are you? - Mike Heckelsmiller.
- Iron Mike? - Don't ask.
You made quite a sizable bet with Lana here.
It was a joke.
Anyway, gambling is illegaI.
And it's your word against mine.
So I'm leaving.
Not so fast, judgie.
Got it all on videotape.
VHS and Beta! It's not going to cost you a cent.
We are going to take it out in trade.
Hammer, you're going to find this very, very interesting.
'Moments ago, Judge Liam Jackson dismissed all charges 'against reputed mobster Bronsfield Curlmen.
' He should've nailed him.
His mother testified against him.
'Wait! Here comes the judge.
- 'Judge, why the dismissaI?' - 'No comment.
'You probing toad!' 'There you have it.
' I guess your buddy's gone soft.
Why would he do that? Why would he let that scum off? I'm gonna go talk to him.
- Cues R Us.
- 'Heckelsmiller?' - Yeah.
- 'This is Judge Jackson.
' I hate myself for helping that rotten friend of yours and I'm going public.
'I'll throw myself on the mercy of the court.
' I just hope I don't draw myself as a judge, cos then I'll get the death penalty.
Why, that dirty, rotten, stinking, uncorrupt judge is going public.
I gotta stop him before he yaps.
- Want me to take care of him, boss? - No.
This is woman's work.
Lana, shop! I mean, kill.
- What's wrong with these goldfish? - What's the matter? Steak? You don't feed them steak! Now their poor little stomachs are all upset.
Don't worry, Daddy's going to make you feeI better.
Yes! Yes, you're going to feeI good now! You! How did you get in here? I'm very resourcefuI.
I crawled in through the doggy door.
I don't have time for any more dirty pooI.
That's not why I'm here.
Your Honour.
Give a girI a chance, hmm? I wanted to give you something from me.
And Iron Mike.
What did Iron Mike want to give me? His condolences.
Careless, leaving the door open.
Must have a heck of a Neighbourhood Watch around here.
The judge is in here.
Excuse me, Your Honour.
Your Honour, I demand an explanation.
Now, what got into you today? - Hammer! - Doreau, please! The one judge I trust, and he stabs me in the back.
Go ahead.
Hide your face.
- Hammer, listen to me.
- Doreau, just a minute! I just want to know what excuse you could have for letting that slimeball go free.
Hammer, he's dead.
Well I guess as excuses go, that's one of your better ones.
- Well, what's the verdict? - Stabbed through the heart.
Very clean.
Very professionaI.
I'm touched when someone takes such pride in their work.
- Fine, but what about this case? - Right.
I found traces of blue chalk under his nails.
I'll let you know if I find anything else.
Have a nice day.
Thanks again, guys.
Phew! What's that fouI odour I smell? - That perfume I gave you for Christmas? - No.
Cigar smoke.
Cuban, I think.
Your perfume smelled worse.
Yeah.
So the judge smoked cigars.
There's the matches.
Guess he won't be needing these any more.
People who smoke use ashtrays.
There are no ashtrays in this room.
Well, he was rich.
He used the carpet.
Let's go.
Let's see Jackson, divorced, two kids.
No close friends.
Not much else.
Billiards.
PooI.
The judge was a pooI player.
Yeah.
So? The blue chalk.
He chalked a cue.
A clue! - A clue? What cue? - A clue! I picked these up off the judge's desk.
Pretty smart thinking, huh? From a pooI hall.
- How does all this tie together? - I have no idea.
Let's go talk to Trunk.
I just spoke to the Commissioner.
- He's been yelling at me every hour.
- Now you know what it feels like.
He wants the judge's murder solved yesterday.
- Do you have any hard evidence? - Better than that, sir.
- I'll tell the Commissioner.
What is it? - A hunch.
- God, Hammer! - No, it's a good one.
The coroner found blue chalk under the judge's nails.
The judge was a pooI player.
I found these matches on the judge's desk.
A pooI hall called Cues R Us.
What if the judge was hustled into letting that goon go? I'm going down the pooI hall, see if I can get hustled.
Hammer, this case is too important to trust to you and your hunch.
I am going with you.
Captain Trunk, any new developments on the Jackson murder case? - 'Actually, I can't ' - 'I'm Inspector Sledge Hammer.
'We've discovered concrete evidence that will crack this case by tomorrow morning.
' You've screwed up! That cop Sledge Hammer's wise to us.
No, he couldn't possibly be.
I told you not to leave any clues.
No fuss Don't whine.
If I wanted a man who whined, I'd date Dick Cavett.
I have to admit that fake disclosure was a good idea.
I know it's a long shot, but it could flush out the killer.
- And one more thing, Hammer.
- What's that? Don't ever push me out of a close-up.
- What makes you think you can shoot pooI? - The operative word here is "shoot".
And when it comes to shooting, I'm the best there is.
We've played three games, and nobody's even looked.
That's how pooI hustlers operate.
They move in on you slowly.
Gotta keep your hands off the table, sir.
You might lose that naiI.
Right, let me see you make this one.
I'll jump the four and the five, three-ball in the corner pocket.
Sorry, Captain, but you knew when you signed up, police work is dangerous.
Give it to me, Hammer! I'm gonna make a phone call.
Make an appointment for a CAT scan.
Hi.
My name is Lana.
You handle your cue stick very well.
May I join you in a game? Yeah, right, lady.
Why don't you go get your ears pierced, or something? Please, sir.
I may not be a great player, but I could give you a good game.
Just beat it, girlie, before somebody sees me talking to you.
Come on, just one game.
- All right, if you're going to be pushy.
- Good.
They should never allow women in pooI halls.
To make it more interesting, shall we play for a few dollars? - How much is a few? - A hundred.
It's your money, lady.
Rack 'em up.
Well, gambling is illegaI, and normally I wouldn't take that, but I wanna teach you a lesson.
Give me another chance to win it back.
Double or nothing.
Oh, lady, you're wasting my time! - I'm looking for a pooI hustler.
- One more game.
- All right.
- Rack 'em.
So many have paid to see What you think you're getting for free The woman is wild A she-cat tamed by the purr of a jaguar Winner breaks.
If you're in it for love You ain't gonna get too far Oh, oh, here she comes Watch out, boy, she'll chew you up Oh, oh, here she comes She's a man-eater Oh, oh, here she comes Watch out, boy, she'll chew you up Oh, oh, here she comes She's a man-eater I wouldn't, if I were you I know what she can do She's deadly, man, she could really rip your world apart Mind over matter Ooh, the beauty's there but a beast is in the heart Oh, oh, here she comes Watch out, boy, she'll chew you up Oh, oh, here she comes She's a man-eater Oh, oh, here she comes Watch out, boy, she'll chew you up Oh, oh, here she comes She's a man-eater I think you owe me the grand totaI of $50,000.
- One more chance.
- No.
- Double or nothing.
- No.
- Shouldn't she give me one more chance? - Yes! - You've found your hustler.
- No kidding? - Let's take her in.
- Not yet.
I got one more game to play.
What are you going to do if she wins? Shoot her.
OK.
Double or nothing.
You break.
If you want, come and get me You don't have a chance if you don't move now I'm not waiting any longer You know that I'm playing to win this time When you make your move, I won't hesitate If you take too long, you could be too late This time, I'm playing to win If you want me, come and say it I knew that would happen.
Make your mind up, make your play You should be playing to win this time Ooh.
Aaah! I didn't think that'd happen.
Didn't your mother teach you pooI hall etiquette? I never had a mother.
That's a lousy smoke screen, lady.
Watch this.
This time I'm playing to win Looks like I shoot better than the late judge.
Sorry, lady.
PooI party's over.
All right, fuzz, drop your piece.
Put that away before somebody gets hurt.
Besides, it's not even a regulation cue.
How did a nice girI like you get mixed up in a racket like this? So ignorant! I'm not a nice girI! - Ouch! - I like to call my shots.
I take your arm off next.
You do and you'll pay for the jacket.
Yeah, come on.
Fight like a man! Wow! Best shot I made all day.
Boy, Heckelsmiller sure had a good scam going.
Yeah, the next he'll be doing is hustling in the big house.
Hammer, I can't get over how well you play pooI.
Captain, I think I've finally figured out how to do that jump shot.
- Watch this.
- Wait a minute.
Let me get the hell outta the way, OK? Doreau, move.
He's dangerous.
OK.