Soap (1977) s01e16 Episode Script

1 ANNOUNCER: In last week's episode of Soap, a surprised Corinne was booked for the murder of Peter Campbell.
But this is nothing compared to the surprise in store for her when she finds out that a Swedish lady, Ingrid Svenson, has come from Ecuador to pay Corinne a surprise visit, and has shown a surprised Chief Tinkler proof that she is Corinne's real mother.
Surprised? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
[.]
This is the story of two sisters: Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
These are the Tates.
And these are the Campbells.
And this is Soap.
[.]
Oh, Ma.
Daddy.
Oh, baby.
Baby, the bail will be here any minute.
Oh, good.
I cannot believe these accommodations.
Well, I mean, Chester, no wonder people are always trying to break out of places like this.
[GASPS.]
Chester, look at that.
Would you look at that? I see it, Jessica.
It's a toilet.
I know what it is.
It's right in the middle of the room.
How do they expect anybody to use that? Jessica, if you're serving a 10-year sentence, eventually you'll have to.
Look at this.
You poor child.
Shut up in this cell without any sunshine, hundreds of feet below the earth.
The chains of prisoners clanking in the night.
The musty smell of the wet stones and the sound of scampering rats across the floor at night.
Jessica.
Huh? Corinne is in a Connecticut jail.
She's not the prisoner of Zenda.
Corinne, I have a surprise for you.
Bail? No, better.
Corinne, Corinne, Corinne.
Oh, my God.
Who is this? Corinne, Corinne, Corinne.
Who is this? Who are you? Who am I? Yes, who are you? Ha! Who is this? Twenty-three years.
For 23 years, I've been in Ecuador.
And for 23 years, I've hated you.
Jessica, who is this person? Look at her.
Look at what you've done.
It wasn't bad enough you took her away from me, but look at how you brought her up, to be in jail.
Oh, my God, it's her.
Right.
Thought you'd never see me again, did you? Ha! Mother, who is this woman? Darling, I am your mother.
Oh.
Sheriff, get her out of here.
She's nuts.
She's got documents, and she certainly knows your name.
She says she's my mother.
She's not my mother.
This is my mother.
Mother? Mother, for God's sake, tell me who this is.
Uh, Corinne, this is Ingrid Svenson.
Ingrid, this is Corinne.
Corinne, Corinne, Corinne.
She says she's my mother.
Yes, she did say that, didn't she? Well, who is she? She is your mother.
Who's my mother? She's your mother.
Which she? That she.
This she? That she.
Ingrid's my mother? Yes, it's a long story, Corinne.
Corinne, Corinne, Corinne.
Why didn't you tell me? You never told me.
How could you not tell me? Well, we thought you'd never know.
I want you to go now.
Corinne, we were trying to protect you.
I said, go.
Corinne, I love you.
She wants you to go.
Does she have to spit at you? Corinne, if you had been our own child, we couldn't have loved you any more.
Sheriff, get them out of here.
Okay.
It's time.
Let's go.
Come on, come on, come on.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Ha! My little girl.
Don't worry, we'll get you out of here.
I hired a detective, and we get you out of here.
And then we get a place together and get to know each other all over again.
Now, let Mother look at how pretty you are.
So, now, tell Mother, what have you been doing the last 23 years? [.]
I said, quiet, Bob.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
You be quiet.
I'm happy for a change.
Burt, what in the world is that? Peter's bathtub.
I got the rest outside.
Boy, I've heard of souvenirs, but that's ridiculous.
Burt, what are you doing with Peter's bathtub? Why not? Peter doesn't need it anymore.
In this tub is the answer.
I know it.
It's here.
It's here.
The murderer left his trace right in there.
Or out there with one of the other pieces.
I thought you said Corinne did it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Not necessarily.
Hey, everybody.
Hey, listen, there's this huge chunk of bathtub laying out in the path.
Somebody could kill themselves on it.
Yeah, somebody already did.
Danny, where's your disguise? Well, I don't think I'm gonna need it anymore.
I found somebody who's gonna help me out.
Ah.
Too bad.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Mrs.
Campbell? Yes? I am Heinrich Himmel, a private investigator hired by Corinne Tate's mother.
May I come in? Yes.
I think you should know that there is a broken bathtub on your lawn, and it looks disgusting.
Well, that's mine.
I'll get it.
Halt! I didn't know Jessica had hired a private detective.
She didn't.
But you said I said, Corinne Tate's mother.
Ingrid Svenson.
Ingrid Svenson? Ingrid Svenson.
BOB: Who's Ingrid Svenson? Who's Ingrid Svenson? Quiet! Enough with this "Ingrid Svenson.
" Now, Mrs.
Campbell, I have questions and you will give answers.
Make them brief, no long, boring stories, which you Americans seem so bent on telling.
Who is this Ingrid Svenson? What did I say?! What did you just hear me say?! I'll tell you later.
Tell them now.
They'll never shut up if you don't tell them now, but quick.
A quick, short story.
No details.
Understand? No details.
[SPEAKS IN GERMAN.]
Sit.
Sit.
Sit.
Well, Jessica and I had a brother, Randolph.
You never told me you had a brother.
Shut up.
She's telling you now.
Uh, well, Randolph took a liking to Ingrid, our Swedish maid.
See, Ingrid didn't speak any English, so she didn't know Randolph was peculiar.
Details.
Those are details.
We don't care about "peculiar.
" You are all peculiar.
Anyway, Ingrid got pregnant and had Corinne.
Now, Mother wanted the baby, so she very cleverly offered to babysit.
And then she sent Ingrid and Randolph to Ecuador Details, more details.
Hup, hup, hup! She told the authorities that Ingrid was an illegal alien, and that Randolph was seeking to overthrow the government.
So they had to stay in Ecuador, and Mother gave Jessica the baby to be raised as a Tate.
But why didn't they? No questions! That's it.
Finished.
I don't want to hear another word about this idiotic business.
Now, Mr.
Campbell, I understand that recently you consulted a psychiatrist.
Did you consult him because of your propensity for violence? That's none of your business.
You are wrong, Mr.
Campbell Dummkopf.
It is very much my business.
Now, if you won't tell me why you saw him, I will have to assume it was for help in controlling your violent tendencies.
Well, it was not, you see.
It was because I Okay, violence.
Impotence.
Really? Yeah.
No kidding.
No, it's the truth.
[LAUGHING.]
I love it.
So classically American.
A problem we never have in Germany.
No impotence, no smog No Jews.
No Impotence? A big, robust guy like you? I just wish I had a camera for that one, Mr.
Campbell.
I could put you in jail and throw away the key.
Now, then, Mrs.
Campbell, how much did you resent, hate and despise Peter Campbell? What? Just answer, please, the question.
Good God.
You people stall like nobody's business.
I didn't hate him.
I never hated him.
Okay.
Fine.
We have here denial, then.
Denial of the painful truth.
Now, Jodie That's not true.
I said, Jodie! Are you Jodie? Do you look like Jodie? Do you talk like Jodie? Sometimes they dress alike.
Please to put the toy away.
Who is he talking to? [IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Just wait.
Now, Jodie, in your case it was obviously a transference, hm? A homosexual in love with an athlete, who spurned him.
Thus turning to rage and then murder.
We have precedents for this type of homosexual behaviour.
Not in Germany, of course.
We have no homosexuals in Germany.
They are in Austria.
Or Switzerland.
Where in Switzerland? Now, Danny, this is an easy one.
You work in a violent society, hm? You would think nothing of killing Peter, hm? No.
And you, we know you always hated your brother.
I did not.
Because you were jealous of him.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
Oh, go back to Argentina, Adolf.
He was an athlete, and you, Chuck? You're a klutz.
He had many women.
You? You got yourself a hunk of bark.
Now, listen So you killed him.
He did not.
Because he reminded you of what you weren't He didn't do it, he didn't do it.
Of what you aren't, of what you could never be.
Hey, who do you think? Shut up! I don't want to hear another word from you.
This stupidity has wasted my time.
I will file my report.
You will all stay in town.
I hope I never again have to see any of you as long as I live, hm? Goodbye.
Nice, warm guy.
I like him.
[.]
[.]
So it's all my fault, Mary.
All of it.
Peter's death, Corinne's arrest, Ingrid's arrival, it's all my fault.
Jessica, don't be silly.
None of that has anything to do with you.
No? Wherever I am, Mary, there's death and destruction.
It's always been that way.
Jessica, that's not true.
You remember Mr.
Rolo and what happened to him? Mr.
Rolo? Yes, you remember.
The clown that used to entertain at all of our birthday parties when we were little.
Mr.
Rolo.
Oh, Jessica, do you remember Mr.
Rolo? Well, Mary, obviously I do, I just brought him up.
I loved Mr.
Rolo.
And you remember how at my birthday party, he just keeled over and dropped dead on the spot? Hi, Mare.
Hello, darling.
Hi, Jess.
Hi, Burt.
Oh, Burt! What? What are you doing? Nothing.
Burt, you just pulled a hair out from my head.
No, I didn't.
I'm not finished.
That your spoon? Yes.
Perhaps he'd like some tea.
My goodness! What are you doing? Nothing.
Burt, you pulled a hair out of my head.
And I just saw you pull one out of Jessica's head.
More than one, I'm afraid.
Well, you see, I'm just conducting a test, Mary.
Conducting a test.
You see, I found a hair in Peter's bathtub.
A hair in his tub.
Well, of course, of course, it's a bathtub.
There are always hairs in the bathtub.
It's such a problem.
Hair.
Oh, it just clogs up the drain, and then the plumber has to come and remove it.
Have you ever seen what they remove, Burt? Oh, it's so disgusting.
It's no wonder they charge so much.
I'd charge a fortune too, if I had to look at hairy hunks of gloop all day.
"Gloop.
" [ALL CHUCKLING.]
"Gloop.
" Well, it just might be a hairy hunk of gloop that hangs one of you.
[.]
Chester, I just realised something very important.
What, Jessica? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
You want me to get that? Would you mind? What did you realise, Jessica? Ten years ago, this could never have happened.
What? Peter was a tennis teacher.
Yes.
Ten years ago, nobody played tennis.
The recent popularity of tennis has ruined our lives.
He always comes at meal times.
The guy's a raccoon.
I'm sorry to bother you.
Tinkler, what do you want? Well, first I'd like to introduce Investigator Rick Himmel.
Not Rick, you fool.
Heinrich.
Heinrich! Are you a foreigner? He's German.
German? Good work, corporal.
Capturing them isn't easy.
Carry on.
Tinkler, do you want something, or is this a Lufthansa tour? [LAUGHING.]
Well, I would like to look through the house.
What? I've had enough, Tinkler.
I've had enough of you.
This is my house.
Get out of here, once and for all, before I call the police.
I am the police.
As difficult as that is to believe.
I have a search warrant.
And while I am looking through your house, Rick here has some questions he wants to ask.
Heinrich! Heinrich, you fool.
Now, you are Eunice, I presume? Mm-hm.
You like to fool people, don't you? What do you mean? Oh, pretending to be cold, that you don't go out.
When we both know that you're involved with Oh, please.
Fortunately for you, you are a fooler, not a murderer.
Do you find it difficult talking with a German accent? Because it seems like it would be exhausting the way you pronounce words so hard.
I mean, sometimes you even spit a little when you talk.
Talk? Talk? They can put matches under my nails, I'll never talk.
So never talk! I don't care about your talking.
Never talk.
I won't.
Good, don't.
I won't.
I swear, I don't know how you people won the war.
I never saw such a nation of utter fools, except in Italy.
But they, of course, can cook.
You people, you can't even do that.
There.
There you did it.
When you said "that," you spit a little.
You did.
I felt it on my cheek.
And you, oh, you are my favourite, hm? [CHUCKLES.]
Boy, oh, boy, I gotta hand it to you.
You are something.
Boy, are you a busy guy.
There's that pigeon, huh? And then that secretary.
I admire you.
If you committed the murder, you should get away with it.
Thank you.
You.
You are the black servant, Benson.
No, I am Japanese houseboy, Mojo.
Halt! You could have killed Peter, hm? Because you were jealous.
He was white.
You are black.
He had women, youth, freedom.
You? You've got an apron and maybe a decent timestep.
Now, let me tell you something, you little Nazi shrimp.
Now, you can talk to them any way you want to, but now you're talking to me, Benson, and I personally have had it with your shouting and bullying and spitting.
Nobody here killed anyone, not yet.
Bravo, Benson.
Sorry about that, folks.
There will be no dessert tonight.
Well, folks, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Is that strawberry shortcake? Yes.
Oh, boy, do I love strawberry shortcake.
Tinkler? Oh, yeah.
Well, the charges against Corinne have been dropped.
That's the good news.
Oh, Chester, isn't it wonderful? Now for the bad news.
Couldn't we just forget about that? On my little search through your house, I found the gun that shot Peter Campbell.
I found the knife that stabbed Peter Campbell.
And I found the brick that hit Peter Campbell.
Now, the gun was found in your drawer.
The knife was found in your jewellery box.
And the brick was found in your rose garden.
Mrs.
Tate, you are under arrest for the murder of Peter Campbell.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: Will Corinne ever forgive Jessica and Chester for not telling her she was adopted? Will the court accept Burt's findings as evidence, or will the judge rule it "hair-say"? Did Jessica kill Peter Campbell, or does she merely collect murder weapons? Will the Tates do without dessert, or will they eat Heinrich's pants? These questions and many others will be answered on next week's episode of Soap.
[.]
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Soap was videotaped in front of a studio audience.