Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (2006) s01e16 Episode Script

Previously on Studio 60: Don't you deserve a lot more? Don't you want a lot more? We're gonna be finished tonight.
Don't be scared.
I love that you guys are together.
But I could've used your help on the Neve Campbell sketch.
What Neve Campbell sketch? Don't really like anything or anyone but if you ever wanted to talk about anything I've been feeling down lately and I got a show to get done.
Take these.
You know you're not a defendant? I'd hope not.
- I'm sorry? - I said, I would hope not.
I wasn't working here.
I've never met this girl.
You're right, I'm sorry.
I have that in my notes.
- Is this kind of lawsuit common? - Common enough that I make a living.
- A good one? - Pretty good one.
- Have you taken depositions? - We're about to.
We're in what's called "depo prep.
" She filed a claim with the EEOC last May.
Equal Employment Opportu The Eq The Commission for Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.
- I'd have gotten there.
- TMG interviewed the defendants.
Ronald Oswald, Richard Tahoe, Wes Mendell NBS Studios, NBS and, of course, TMG.
I'd like to point out again that my name isn't in there.
- There is no record.
We're just talking.
- Well, there should be a record because my name isn't in there, because I wasn't working here.
July, TMG responds to the EEOC with a "no claim.
" They don't see their employees as culpable.
Especially me.
The EEOC finds that there's no probable cause giving Ms.
Salzburg a right to sue.
- Which she does.
- November, Ms.
Salzburg files suit.
Is she claiming that she was touched inappropriately? Is she claiming one of her superiors told her she'd be fired if she didn't sleep with them? Or told her she couldn't get a sketch on the air unless she slept with them? - No.
She was forced to work in a hostile environment and was terminated for Well, you know why.
No.
I actually don't.
For not participating in.
For not being one of the boys.
She was fired because she was lousy.
- You weren't here.
- No.
So it's 10:00 at night.
What do you wanna do? Hey, can you get me Andy, Lucy and Darius too? - Yeah.
- Forget it.
I'll go down.
- How's it going? - We're nowhere.
- You always say that.
- It's true.
- And it always turns out fine.
- Why don't you go home? Are you staying? I go home when you go home.
- I may not go home.
- You should go home.
- What we're looking for is a 4 a.
m.
Miracle.
- Is that what it sounds like? An unexplainable and extraordinary event that happens around 4 a.
m.
Sleep deprivation erodes your internal censors and allows you to come out of yourself.
Should I order you food? - What are you eating? - Veggie burger.
Don't.
If you want vegetables, go ahead, but don't eat pretend food.
- That's prop food.
- I'm trying to lose 10 pounds.
- Don't do that either.
You're perfect.
- Stop making fun of me.
- I'm not.
Look at you.
- Stop it.
If I was a little younger and less famous and made less money, I would Thanks.
Did you want the guys here or are you going down? No, I'm going down into the darkest depth of darkness.
And depth.
- Nothing's working? - No.
I saw the Cinemax sketch.
I laughed a little.
I'll tell you what I don't like making fun of: Soft-core porn.
I could be at a party and meet someone from the world of soft-core porn She'll realize you're the one who makes fun of her craft and she won't dress up as a stewardess.
- Costumes aren't really my thing.
I get enough of that here.
What I like is an executive.
Glasses, heels.
Glasses are incredibly important.
- That's a costume, Matt.
- No, it's not.
She'd knock on my door, late at night Excuse me.
Matt? I'm Mary Tate, the attorney from Gage Whitney.
Did they tell you I was coming over? This is so weird.
No one told you I was coming? I'm sorry.
Heh.
- Your name again? - Mary Tate.
- You're a lawyer? - Yeah, from Gage Whitney.
We're part of the group representing - Is it all right to talk? - Yeah.
We're the group representing you in the suit Karen brought.
You're not representing me, I'm not a defendant.
Which is unusual because I'm a professional defendant.
- Why? - Five people are claiming they wrote a screenplay I wrote.
- Did they? No.
Know how you know? If they'd written it, they'd have written it.
Doesn't Writers Guild take care of that? These people aren't members.
How can I help you? We're in preparation for the depositive phase.
I wanted to get a better sense of the work environment.
- Do you mind if I hang out and watch? - I do.
I'm sorry.
I've been given permission.
I was being polite.
- Permission from who? - Jordan McDeere.
- Jordan? - Matt, I forgot to tell you a lawyer named Mary Tate is coming over.
I want you to give her whatever she needs.
- Okay.
She's representing us in this Salzburg thing so try to demonstrate we don't make our employees feel sexually uncomfortable.
- I'll do my best.
- Matt, she's really hot.
She's your type.
She's got that Shannon Tweed Okay, then.
I'm gonna head down to the writers' room now.
- Great.
- Not much is gonna happen.
I'll tell them I don't like their pitches, have them come up with new ones.
- Okay.
- Okay.
How much is she suing for? They don't have to tell us yet.
Probably low eight figures.
- Are you kidding? - They'd claim you stunted her career path.
Not me.
I wasn't here.
I was stealing a screenplay from five different people.
- What career path? - Staff writer to story editor story editor to producer, co-exec, executive producer.
Your job.
Judge will hear an argument that takes place on Nutsopolis.
When were these pitches handed up to you? Well, a bunch of pitches were submitted to me on Monday.
- You rejected them? - Yes.
More on Tuesday afternoon Tuesday night, this morning and tonight.
- They were all rejected? - Yes.
- What is it you're looking for? - Woman who gets me.
- I mean really gets me.
- Matt Something I can write.
I'm looking for an idea I can write.
Hey, guys.
Two years ago, a staff writer named Karen Salzburg was fired and she's claiming it was because she complained about sexual harassment.
- Why do you think she was fired? She couldn't write.
- Darius? - She couldn't write.
- Lucy? Remember, you're a woman.
- I'll try.
It was because she couldn't write.
How many people in this room worked here two years ago? Lucy, have you been sexually harassed at this job? You're telling me there's money in it? That's it.
Sit your fine, fine ass down at the other end of the table.
That's the punishment chair.
We do this nice and professional.
But you can get out of the punishment chair if you can tell me the title of Samuel Taylor Coleridge's most famous poem.
Ooh.
"Ode to a Grecian Urn.
" - Sit your sweet British ass back down.
- It's "Kubla Khan.
" "Kubla Khan" and he wrote it instantly at 4 a.
m.
Three hundred lines.
He woke up from a dream.
- You didn't like the pitches.
I was getting there.
- You're taking a while.
- Some are good.
I have to disagree with you.
Come on, look at Nancy Pelosi, it's got a great Okay, can you tell us exactly what you didn't? Guys, he didn't like any of the pitches.
This isn't Meet the Press.
- We'll have a new round in a few hours.
- Four a.
m.
Miracle.
Remember, when Coleridge woke and began writing he was interrupted by a knock and when he got back, he'd forgotten it.
That's why the full poem is "Kubla Khan.
A Vision in a Dream.
A Fragment.
" What's the full title of "Kubla Kahn" and who wrote it? Gene Roddenberry.
Not The Wrath of Khan, "Kubla.
" - I don't give a damn.
We gotta get going.
- I know.
We gotta build sets, we gotta put down camera marks sound, wardrobe, effects, legal clearances - I know.
Unless there's a sketch there - There's nothing here? - Lf there was a pitch I liked, I'd write it.
- "Jason the Mason" is funny.
And for all I know, it could be a funny sketch but the Masons are a secret society.
You can't do research unless you join, then they swear you to secrecy.
I thought it was the other kind of mason.
- Bricklayers? - Well, they work with all kinds of materials.
Isn't Harriet back? - Set called, they're running over.
- We're supposed to get her at 10.
There's nothing to rehearse.
What's it matter? It matters because there's such a thing as the way things are done.
We're letting her do this movie, she's there with Luke and his feature crew and his movie budget on a bedroom set wearing a nightgown, snorting coke with Luke's on-set mood music going on, trying to seduce a 17-year-old actor.
The coke is powdered baby's milk, so I wouldn't worry.
- That's not the point.
- I know it's not the point.
The first day at work, I said, "You and Harriet, is it gonna be a problem?" You said, "No, Danny, no.
It's not gonna be a problem.
" Did I say it in the same creepy, little voice you just used? - Can I help you at all? - No, thank you.
Please apologize to the department heads.
Tell them I'll have more pages coming soon.
I'm gonna cover anyone who wants to get a hotel room for a few hours.
- You don't need anything? - No.
- Think about "Jason the Mason.
" - Yeah, I'm gonna give that a lot of thought.
All right, we're close, everybody.
All right, here we go, people.
Keep it down.
Guys, settle.
Rolling.
Picture's up.
A mark.
Mark.
And action.
You have a gun.
It's Keith's.
What's it for? Anita.
You scared the bloody hell out of me.
Being scared is the fun of it.
There are no bullets in there, right? We're just saying she's guilty of manslaughter? - Cut.
Cut.
Back to one.
- Sorry.
Harry.
Reloading.
Camera reloads.
Off the bell.
Take us off the bell, please.
- Thank God you're pretty.
- I do every day but I think Anita's culpability is unambiguous at this point.
She's not pulling the trigger.
He's 17, she's got him loaded on heroin and coke saying, "If you're a man, play Russian roulette then screw me like my boyfriend, Keith Richards.
" In real life, she wasn't even in the house and a jury said she wasn't guilty.
- In this movie, she is.
- Luke Harriet.
- Just shoot the scene? - Just shoot the scene.
I promise I'm getting enough coverage of the scene so that we can keep having this argument all through postproduction.
- Got it.
Harriet? - Phone call.
- She can't take it.
- It's Danny Tripp.
- We're on his time.
Go ahead, we're reloading.
Thanks.
- Hello? - I was supposed to have you back at 10.
I'm sorry, we're behind.
- How behind? - One shot left.
How's it going there? - We're a little behind here too.
- How behind? I don't know.
When you get back here could you just fake it with him or something? - Danny - Just make him feel better and all right.
- I'm not responsible for this.
- That's the last thing I care about.
It's worse when you're up all night shooting with Luke.
Here we go, people.
On a bell, please.
I'm in the middle of a scene right now.
I'll be back as soon as I'm wrapped.
Hey.
Ready to go? I called your office.
- They told me you'd just left.
- You can't go to dinner? - I can.
I just can't this minute.
- Well, it's okay.
What's going on? Nothing, it's just he's not anywhere yet.
It's Wednesday night.
It all comes together on Wednesday night.
Why do I pay you for Monday and Tuesday? - Because you love me.
- A little.
- No.
Huge.
- I've loved other guys.
It's a passing thing.
No, and I'll tell you something else.
If I died tragically tonight, you would be devastated.
- Why tonight? - I'm not.
If I did, you'd be shattered.
- I'd be fine.
Why are you gonna die? - Could be anything.
Should I go home? Uh, can you lie down for an hour and then we'll get a hamburger? - Can I go play with Harriet? - Harriet's on the Rolling Stones set.
- She'll be back soon.
- Oh.
- What just happened? - Check this out.
It's called a RealCare Baby.
It's got a battery and a computer chip inside.
It has a diaper sensor area, a mouth-feeding sensor area pressure points so it knows when it's being burped.
It cries if its head isn't supported, and if it lies in the wrong position - What is it? - It's a practice baby.
- Five ninety-nine.
- You spent $600 on a doll? I get two months of practice.
Honey, you know what? Sit down.
It just told me I'd stuffed it in a Prada bag.
- The real baby's gonna do that too.
- Yeah, but now I know not to, you know - Stuff the baby in a bag? - Yeah.
- You knew that before.
- Now I can practice comforting.
- You turned it off with a remote.
- I know, but because you distracted me Listen.
I know you're nervous and God understands that so he made the first year an on-ramp.
Okay? You're not up to full speed, you're just merging with other traffic.
You know how many times I've busted my car merging with traffic? - All right, you don't drive the baby.
- Look Ever.
The baby eats, the baby sleeps, the baby can't move itself.
So unless you put it to bed in a lobster pot, the baby's gonna be fine.
- Lana says - Lana the lesbian Lamaze lady? - She's not lesbian.
- She better hope she's lesbian.
- She hates men.
- She wears a turban.
- Did she tell you to buy this? - Yes.
- Does she sell them, by any chance? - Yes.
All right, you don't drive the baby and you don't go near the college tuition money.
Swell.
A hundred bucks says you can't keep the fake baby alive until we leave here tonight.
- Really? - Any time we want we hook it up to the computer for full information.
Sleeping, eating, diaper changes, any big blows to the head or torso.
- How do I feed it? - Same way.
I'll do it for two reasons.
To stick it to Lana and all the Lanas out there and to take your money.
You sure? Because you've got a lot of work to do and you're a pretty big spaz.
Turn the baby back on.
Being scared is the fun of it.
There's no bullets in there, right? - Oh, my stars, that's bad acting! - And cut.
Really very bad acting.
And cut.
Let's go again.
Props, let's reset the squib, and roll back.
I'm so sorry.
Lying in bed with you, blowing my brains out over and over is therapeutic.
- I've had other men say that.
Harry! - Here's one.
How are you doing? - There's literally blood on my hands.
- It's looking good.
We'll get one more and go in for coverage.
I'm supposed to be over there on Wednesdays.
- We're going as fast as we can.
- I'm feeling guilty.
- Explain to me how - In coverage.
Coverage isn't gonna change the scene, it's just gonna get it from other angles.
- Yeah? - Harry Why'd you say we'd get it in coverage? I was hoping you wouldn't think too much about that.
- This is a big deal.
- I agree.
She wasn't in the room when he shot himself.
- According to her.
- And every existing record of the event.
- Everyone says she wasn't in the house.
- No one else is alive.
- What if she went into the bathroom? - What's the difference? - We wouldn't be making her responsible.
- Are you kidding me with this? She's responsible whether she's facing him or not.
You want her to powder her nose while he shoots himself with the gun she told him to play with? - You had two months with this script! - I know.
- And two and a half weeks' rehearsal! - I know.
I wanna know why this is coming up tonight.
- You feel guilty about what? - We'll do it this way.
I'm ready to go.
You said, "I'm just feeling guilty.
" Matthew and I had a terrible fight.
I said terrible things to him.
When? The night you came to my house? We're ready for you, sir.
You picked a pretty good time to bring this up.
- Let's go.
Here we go, everyone.
On a bell, please.
Everybody back to one.
All right, let's go.
You guys propped? It's a single-cell paramecium.
It's a semi-permeable membrane.
God, doctor, it's a single Don't you understand, doctor? It's a single-cell paramecium.
- Yeah? Excuse me.
Can Mary come in? They're on Harriet's last shot.
A car will bring her.
- Thanks.
- Hi.
- Sorry to bother you.
- How was the room? - Quiet.
- Sorry? No, I'm saying the room was quiet.
Yeah.
It's harder for them to do what they have to do with someone around, so if we can wrap this up.
- How many writers are on staff? - Those three and me.
Aren't there usually 15? What happened? Thirteen of them quit.
I hired Andy to supervise the other two.
- Are you gonna hire more? - We're doing fine.
Except it's Wednesday at midnight and you don't have anything written yet.
Yeah.
And your ratings have slipped over the last four shows.
Mary, any time you want to take my job, just feel free.
What do our ratings have to do with this ridiculous lawsuit? - Nothing.
- Then I'm just poking at you, Matt, to try to find out how good a witness you'd be.
A bad one.
I wasn't a witness to anything.
It's likely you'll be asked to talk about what a writers' room is like.
The 13 writers that quit did it because of Richard Tahoe and Ron Oswald, right? - Yeah.
- You don't like them, right? Ricky and Ron are two of the defendants.
You don't like them, right? - I like them fine.
- Do you? - Yeah.
- Wanna look at my notes? I've got 14 people who tell me you can't stand them.
Those 14 people are less discreet than I'd hoped.
Lie like you did under oath, I'm screwed.
A difference between lying and being polite.
- Don't be polite.
- We're being sued for not being polite.
- Not you.
- Yes, me.
Headlines are gonna say Studio 60 and that's me.
That's right, so help me out.
- You want a drink? - Sure.
- Vodka all right? - Thanks.
With a twist.
This isn't the Oak Room.
There's vodka, ice and a glass.
That sounds good.
I'm not a fan of Ricky and Ron, they're not fans of mine.
But I've never seen them behave unprofessionally.
I've never seen anyone behave unprofessionally.
- Technically, you have.
- How's that? Your relationship with Harriet Hayes.
Hey, well, I may not be the smoothest guy in the world.
But I won't characterize my relationship with Harriet as sexual harassment.
NBS has a policy on sexual behavior between willing and reasonable coworkers.
Oh, believe me, the last thing Harriet is is reasonable, so we're in the clear.
You weren't.
Well I was in love with her, so tough.
- That's sweet.
- What the hell? Thank you.
What the hell reason could there be for having that policy? - It can be a real mess.
- How? This is an all-night work session, you want Harriet here but you won't insist, as you're entitled that she walk off set because you don't want her to think you're petty.
- Did you study before you came here? - Yeah.
- For what? - Six hundred dollars an hour.
Hey, we're having a glass of vodka.
Just between you and me, isn't Harriet the reason you're having trouble writing? And isn't the writing connected to the ratings? Anyway, it can be a real mess.
Shh.
Shh.
- What's going on? - Go back to sleep.
What did you do? Why do you assume I did something? I was sitting.
- The baby's crying.
- Can we stop calling it the baby? Sure.
Just give me the $ 100 and go tell Lana you're a loser.
- There are five things it could be.
- You have two minutes.
- Until what? - Till it registers neglect.
Burping? - No.
- It's two minutes from when it started crying, so a minute and a half.
Rocking? - No.
- You're shaking it like it's a snow globe.
- Does smacking the mother ever help? - A minute 15.
Feeding? Where's the bottle? Here it is.
Right there where it's supposed to be.
Here you go.
- That's the way we do it downtown.
- Very nice.
- Let someone take you home.
- I'm fine.
- You need more sleep.
- I'm sleeping right now.
- You're talking to me.
- Like it takes a lot of mental energy.
- Let me have somebody take you home.
- I like it here with you.
Okay, easy does it.
You said something nice.
Be careful when you do that, the sky could fall.
- I understand.
- Go back to sleep.
I don't know, my friend.
I just don't know.
- What's the problem? - I'm in a hotel.
I go in the bathroom, there's a shower cap in a cardboard package.
You know what it says on the package? "Fits one head.
" - That's helpful information.
- "Fits one head.
" You buy an iron, look at the box.
It says, "Warning, do not iron clothes while wearing them.
" A carton of pudding, "Caution, pudding gets hot when heated.
" We shouldn't be giving these warnings.
We interfere with the thinning of the herd.
- What? - It's late-night comedy.
What'd she think a writers' room would be like? - Karen Salzburg? - Karen Salzburg.
- Did you know her well? - I remember saying hello a few times.
- Me too.
- Never anything sexual.
I flirted with her.
- You did? - Yeah.
- What kind of flirting? - Regular flirting.
Though, uh, I've got some game, so - You know.
- What? - I slept with her.
- Are you kidding me? - Once! - She's suing us, Simon.
- Three times.
- Did you tell anyone? - I'm telling you.
- It's serious.
I know it's serious.
I've been having a stroke ever since that lawyer walked into the building tonight.
By the way, have you observed the legs on this lady? - You gotta go talk to the lawyer.
- I'll lose my job.
I'll lose my house.
I'll lose my Lincoln Navigator.
My Navigator, Tom.
- Excuse me, guys.
Hey.
Hey.
Um I need to keep this doll in your dressing room.
- Sure.
Why? - It's called a RealCare Baby.
It's got sensors that tell you when it's hungry or tired.
That sort of thing.
Or not supported.
Jordan's asleep in my office and the thing keeps crying so I'll keep it here for a while.
She doesn't think I can take care of a baby.
So if any of the sensors go off, you have to tell me immediately.
- Done.
No problem.
Thank you.
You gotta tell the lawyer.
I tell her and in a month, I'll be doing infomercials for press-in curls and she'll be living in my house and driving around in my Navigator.
- You like that car, don't you? - I do.
- And cut.
Cut.
- Let's go again.
Reloading.
Camera reloads.
Sound reloads.
Sound reloads.
- Could I have her just a second? - Mm-hm.
What happened? No, you're right.
This is the worst time to talk about it.
- What happened? - Nothing.
Harry.
There was this charity online auction to take me to the dinner the Catholics in Media dinner.
Matt bid on me because he thought you were bidding on me.
And we had a fight.
I mean, it got really bad.
He wasn't even provoking me but I just kept coming at him and pummeling him and all he really did was give money to a charity he doesn't even like.
I don't care.
You asked me what happened.
- I thought it was about you and me.
- I hit him over the head with you.
He's a big boy.
He'll get over it.
He didn't deserve it.
- He never would've done that to me.
- You ready to go back to work? I'm sorry.
- How much longer? - As long as I feel like.
Let's go.
Picture's up.
We might be looking at this wrong.
- Talk to me.
Doesn't this help our case if you slept with her? - She slept with you willingly, right? - Eagerly.
- Three times.
- Yeah.
Wouldn't that demonstrate that she's into deviant sex? Simon! In here.
And shut up.
Oh, cool.
A guillotine.
Props just finished it.
It's Marie Antoinette.
It works like those things we had when we were kids.
- What things? - The mini guillotines.
What are you talking about? - You didn't have one? - No, I wasn't raised by the Addams Family.
You stuck a carrot in, and it chopped it in half then you stuck your finger.
It's a trick.
- Stick your head in.
- Get out of here.
- Come on.
Tom.
- No, I don't think so.
- It's not even gonna touch you.
- Use this.
Great.
Good.
Ready? - Yeah.
- Hmm.
I didn't have it set right.
You better glue that back on before Danny sees it.
- How's it going? Good.
- Oh, my God! - Except we beheaded the baby.
What the hell did you do? - Problem? - Yes, it's a problem.
This is a special doll with computer sensors.
I've heard about those things.
They're supposed to be indestructible.
Yeah, they are, unless you drop an - So it's one of those? - Yeah, one of those.
It's Jordan's and she bet me that I couldn't keep it alive and I was doing fine till Sacco and Vanzetti It was Cal! decide to chop the baby's head off! Why use anybody? I wanted to test it before we put Renée Zellweger's head there.
You gotta take this to Props, get it fixed and get them to screw with the computer chip.
That's no problem.
You want it to do anything else? - Like what? - I don't know, dance? No.
Just fix it.
What's your problem? Well, you know how Karen Salzburg is claiming sexual harassment? Yeah? Turns out she may have a point.
You know what? What? - You do have a twist, smart-ass.
- Huh? - A lemon.
I found a lemon.
- This is the first time I'm reading it.
- The full complaint? - Yeah, I'd just looked at excerpts.
Here she's complaining that there was a prolonged discussion about bulimia.
- How was she offended? - It could be seen as denigrating to women.
It's not denigrating to women, it's denigrating to food.
She also suing every newsstand that carries US Weekly? She doesn't have to work at the newsstand.
All I need is a small knife now.
I'll show you a cool way to peel a lemon.
- Matt - Hang on.
- I think you're gonna find it's very cool.
- Hang on one second.
- You got to it, huh? - They're talking about - On page 36? - They're talking about Harriet.
"Plaintiff observed the male writers discussing the female cast members.
Plaintiff observed the male writers discussing the ways in which they might have intercourse with Harriet Hayes.
" Why was it important that I read that? I needed to make sure you're on our side.
- Well, these guys suck.
- Matt Some of these guys are my friends.
You wanna take a minute? And cut.
Let's go one more time.
One more time.
One more time.
- Got it with you out of the room.
Thanks.
One more time, then you're out of here.
I'm sorry about before.
I started talking about Matt.
It's pretty insensitive.
- Especially with you directing.
- Yeah.
I think Huh.
I think because of this scene, maybe I was starting to feel mystery guilt about Yeah, the guilt isn't a mystery to anyone capable of cognitive thought.
You pummeled him so he'd fight back and you confessed it to me so I'd free you.
Which I'm doing right now.
- You're breaking up with me? - Yeah.
- Let's go, let's reset.
- Luke He's an arrogant, self-destructive, egomaniacal prick.
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I was kidding.
Let's go.
- Luke.
- What? I can't let you talk about Matthew like that.
I can't let you talk about Matthew like that.
Because he'd never let anybody talk about me like that.
- You're a sucker, Harriet.
- Maybe.
He'd never go three hours into overtime to screw with some guy who used to be his friend.
Print takes four, seven, 12, 14 and "One writer wanted to nail her under the cross in a church.
Another wanted to bend her over a chair as she confessed.
Another wanted to get her on her knees at Communion.
" - Baptists don't go to confession.
- That probably wasn't the point.
No, I don't think it was.
Matt.
I'm assigned to you.
You're my witness.
Are you gonna be a good one? You wanna screw these guys now? I don't want to screw them.
I want to take a bat to their heads.
Well, here's your chance.
Right? Conversations described on these pages, they never led to a sketch.
- It doesn't matter.
- Say it again? It doesn't matter.
No conversation like this has or would ever go on in a room I was running.
But there's a lot of good writing that comes out of rooms I don't run.
- Yeah, I'm your witness.
- Good.
I thought so.
Excuse us.
Hi.
- Hi.
How you doing? Uh Simon.
He's got something he wants to tell you.
Okay.
Go ahead.
I slept with Karen Salzburg.
- Is there any way this helps us? - No.
- I told you.
When? - I don't remember.
- Around when? I don't remember much.
I know it was when she was working here.
I know she was a very tall, very beautiful redhead with a bit of a weakness for me.
- I am a bit of weakness for some - Simon! Karen Salzburg is short and blond.
- Then who was the tall redhead? - I don't know.
- Connie Bryer.
- Connie Bryer! Yes! I should call her.
Why don't you go do that? That was time and energy wasted on nothing.
Yeah, keep up the good work.
Uh, are you almost done with my boy here? Because he's got a lot of work to do.
- Almost.
- All right, I'm just gonna step outside.
It's nice when you count on someone's character and they don't disappoint.
I wanna give you my card.
You can use that for Well, whatever you wanna use it for.
- Are you asking me on a date? - I was asking you to ask me on a date.
You're a sexual-harassment specialist asking I get the irony.
Wanna wait till you have Harriet out of your system? - I probably should.
- How long do you suppose that'll take? Well, I have a hunch it's gonna be a while, but you're all right for asking.
No wonder the girls like you.
I heard that.
You're out of your mind.
- What did I do now? - A smart, beautiful woman asking you out.
- What's going on with our numbers, partner? - What? What's going on with our numbers? Partner? I thought I had trained you not to look at them.
You did, but the sexual-harassment lawyer who asked me out was using an example of inter-office relationships screwing things up.
She suggested that our numbers are going down because I was in a bad place about Harriet.
- That is a ridiculous example.
If you broke up with someone who hadn't worked here, they - Nonetheless.
- Nonetheless what? - Come on.
- They've trended down for two shows.
- That isn't even a trend.
- But it does coincide - Please.
- I've been faking it.
- The numbers don't have anything - I'm not talking about the numbers.
She doesn't come up here anymore.
I had no idea how much I needed having her around.
I know.
Ahem.
All right.
Enough.
I've got some things.
Andy, Lucy, Darius, they've got some things.
- We're gonna be fine.
- We are.
- I swear.
I know.
Okay.
- Matt? - Yeah.
Not so much of this, okay? Danny.
- Is it fixed? - Brand-new baby.
- Talk to me.
- It was an hour of bionic pediatric surgery.
- What about the computer chip? - Clean.
It thinks it slept three hours, was fed, changed and spoken to in a soothing voice.
- I think we might be onto something here.
- Let me know how it goes.
Jordan.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm gonna get somebody to take you home.
- Where's the baby? - Right here.
Mm.
Oh.
Was everything all right? You can write me that check for 100 bucks.
Yeah, I think I'll plug it up to the computer and find out for myself.
Be my guest.
Hi.
How you doing, little? - What's that? - That never happened while I cared for it.
- What did you do to it? - I'll tell you what I did.
That baby was in an accident.
As babies sometimes are.
And I rushed it immediately to a doctor of some sort.
- What kind of accident? - A freak accident.
What kind of freak accident? It was decapitated in an 18th-century French guillotine.
Uh-huh.
And what kind of doctor? Our property master and director of special effects.
They are the best in the business.
- His eyes flew out of his head.
- They enjoy a practical joke.
- How did the baby get in the guillotine? - Hmm? How did the baby get in the guillotine? This is the part of the story where I get points.
You were sleeping here while I was working and I didn't want the baby's crying to wake you.
Couple of points.
So, what happened next? So I asked Tom and Simon to take care of it.
- And I take the points back.
- Fair enough.
And, for sure, I don't think you should have to give me the $ 100.
Well, thank you.
- What am I gonna practice with now? - Nothing.
You'll be a great mother.
And you won't be by yourself.
I'm not going anywhere.
Okay, good, because between the two of us Now we know not to put the baby's head in a guillotine.
We knew that before.
- I'm gonna have someone take you home.
- You're staying? I'm gonna stay around Matt.
Why, professor, don't you see? My God, professor, don't you see? It's a single-cell paramecium.
That's where I get stuck.
I'll put my stuff downstairs and come back and see if I can unstick you.
I'd appreciate that.
Whoo.
Four a.
m.
Miracle.