The Addams Family (1964) s01e16 Episode Script

They're creepy and they're kooky Mysterious and spooky They're altogether ooky The Addams family The house is a museum When people come to see 'em They really are a scream The Addams family MAN: Neat.
Sweet.
Petite.
So get a witch 's shawl on A broomstick you can crawl on We're gonna pay a call on The Addams family Uncle Fester, I need more power.
Okay, Pugsley.
I'll give you another 1,000 watts.
HAPPY JOE ON RADlO: This is your broadcaster.
This Happy Joe in Tokyo.
-Fester, you've done it! -Darling, introduce me to your friend.
Cemetery Kid to Happy Joe, I want you to say hello to my mother.
-Hello, My Mother.
-Hello, Happy Joe.
-Tell me something about your country.
-Not now.
Big earthquake coming.
Happy Joe gotta go.
Isn't that a pity? Something ought to be done about those earthquakes.
Infernal nuisance.
I've got an SOS! MAN ON RADlO: Flight 714 from Calcutta-Rangoon in trouble over the Bay ofBengal.
Any suggestions? Tell him to dump the passengers.
Oh, no, he couldn't do that.
Of course not, darling, they'd get soaked.
Hello, Flight 714, this is Morticia Addams, and I have a helpful thought for you.
Oh, good girl.
Let's have it.
When the plane hits the water, have each passenger attend to his own luggage.
-lt'll avoid panic.
-Thanks awfully.
We're all right now.
Good.
Is there anything else I can do for you? Yes, sign off.
Fine gratitude.
Recognize it? No, I don't Oh, how could I have missed that fine, sensitive, drooping chin? -It's Uncle Flub.
-Right, my dear.
I caught him at that marvelous moment just before he starts to shake.
Wonder why we never hear from old Flubby anymore? Simple, he can't write.
That reminds me, shouldn't the mail be in by now? It will be.
Briggs.
You're not losing your nerve, are you, Briggs? About going in there? I always wanted to be an undercover man.
I'm glad, because you're the only one who can get in there without arousing suspicion.
Don't you worry about a thing, Mr.
Hollister.
I've seen all the James Bond movies.
Good.
Say, are you sure you're on the right track? The United States intelligence makes a point of never being too sure about anything.
All we know is that coded radio messages have been coming out of there like popcorn.
Coded radio messages? Gee.
Like what? Well, like dynamite toys, man-eating plants and roaring cats.
See if you can lay your hands on any writing.
Get a hold of some of their correspondence.
If I crack this case, maybe they'll make a movie about me.
They might even move you up to Parcel Post.
No mail? What is it, Thing? A joke? Morticia, he's trying to tell us something.
Speak up, Thing.
And stop stuttering.
What is it? Darling, he's trying to tell us there's someone at the front door.
You and Thing.
Such perfect understanding.
It's Mr.
Briggs, our dear postman.
-I thought the postman always rings twice.
-You didn't even ring once.
Can I come in? -Please do.
-Allow me.
Sorry our butler wasn't on hand to greet you.
He's up in the attic feeding the vultures.
Vultures? They're here already? -I better go.
-Mr.
Briggs, you haven't even said hello.
Hello.
You've got to stay, Mr.
Briggs.
-I do? -Yes.
Well But l I do.
What I really came in for was to look through your mail.
I mean just the envelopes.
I have a little grandson who collects stamps from strange places, and you people sure get mail from the strangest -As a matter of fact, Hollister thinks -Hollister? Yeah, Hollister.
That's my little grandson.
Say no more.
What little Hollister wants, little Hollister gets.
There you are.
Any of the stamps you like, just help yourself.
And if you wish, feel free to read the letters.
There's an interesting one here from China on the decline in the fortune cookie industry.
There's a lovely card from General Peron.
He's still looking for work.
-PUGSLEY: Mother! -Yes, darling, coming.
If you want anything, we'll be in the code room.
-Code room? -That's our new name for the playroom.
Darling? Better watch that top letter, Briggs.
It's from my favorite witch doctor.
He's a tricky devil.
Code room.
I quit.
I don't wanna be an undercover man, I don't even wanna be a postman.
Easy, Briggs, easy.
The United States Government is a good thing to have on your side.
Not if they want me to stay at that spook house.
What happened? You wouldn't believe it.
What about the correspondence? The letters.
Look, I don't wanna see another letter as long as I live.
-You deliver them! -Now, easy, Briggs, easy.
I've got to get someone sensible into that house.
Yeah, well, why don't you try Conkey, the plumber? -Plumber? -Yeah, he's a sensible one all right.
The Addams have been trying to get him for six months, and he won't go near the place.
The plumber, eh? Thank you, Thing.
Hello? Yes, this is Mrs.
Addams.
Oh, well, thank you very much, we'll be looking forward to seeing you.
Goodbye.
Darling, that was Mr.
Conkey, the plumber.
He's finally agreed to fix Kitty cat's drinking fountain.
High time.
He promised to do it six months ago.
Oh, come on, Conkey, what can happen? I could get killed deader than a herring.
In that case, you'd be buried with full military honors.
Mr.
Hollister, you make it sound so appealing.
Oh, no, now just a minute.
Look, with these walky-talkies, we'll be in constant contact.
Now if anything should happen, all you have to do is holler.
Yeah, if it's not too late.
Nothing like the minuet to strengthen the wrist.
Yes, it firms all those little wibbly-wobbles.
I guess that's all for now.
"lf girl get too firm, she turn to boy.
" -Kipling.
-Confucius.
-There you are, Lurch.
-Take them to the kitchen, Lurch.
-Kitchen? -Yes, for the shish kebab.
-I'll get it, my dear.
-Thank you, darling.
Shish kebab.
Lurch! Lurch, don't forget the tenderizer.
Have it.
Morticia, he's here! This is our plumber, Mr.
Conkey.
Mr.
Conkey, so good of you to come.
Without his drinking fountain, Kitty cat just isn't his old playful self.
-What's that? -Oh, that's Kitty cat.
Roaring like that? If your drinking fountain was broken, you'd roar, too.
-So long.
-Lurch, please take Mr.
Conkey's hat.
Please, I don't think I got what I need for a job like this.
What's that? Courage.
Oh, come now, Mr.
Conkey, no silly excuses.
Come along.
It's the second tunnel to your left, Mr.
Conkey.
Kitty cat's drinking fountain is just this side of the pit.
All right, Mr.
Snoop.
Snoop? No, I'm Mr.
Conkey.
I'm only the plumber.
A likely story.
Get in that room.
Move.
Look what I found snooping around outside.
-He claims he's a plumber.
-But he is a plumber.
He's fixing Kitty cat's drinking fountain.
That's down in the basement.
What's he doing sneaking around up here? That is a rather interesting question, Mr.
Conkey.
What are you doing up here? Well, I was just tracing the leak.
Conkey, there are no pipes in the playroom.
Playroom? I thought I was in the attic.
Back to the basement, Mr.
Conkey.
If that's your real name.
Come on.
Move it out.
So, you're a plumber, huh? Well, let's see you plumb.
Morticia, wouldn't you say he's behaving rather strangely? -Uncle Fester? -Conkey.
Oh, yes, he is behaving very strangely.
Doesn't seem to know his attic from his basement.
Okay, Conkey.
Where are you now? I'm back in the basement again.
Anything to report? Just this.
If I get out of here alive, I'm never gonna complain about my union dues again.
HOLLISTER: Conkey? -Don't do that.
-Where are you now? How would I know? I didn't build this spook house.
What are you gonna do next? Sign off and pray.
-GOMEZ: Querida.
-Here comes Mr.
and Mrs.
Weirdo.
GOMEZ: Oh, yes.
Their lunch.
Poor Cleopatra, she must be famished.
I had no idea it was so late.
Time certainly flies when you're intellectually occupied.
Darling? Gomez, what in the world could be the matter with her? She won't eat.
She's in an absolute frenzy.
Perhaps you should call a vet.
For a plant? No.
She's trying to tell us something.
Mr.
Conkey? What are you doing there? What's that in your hand? What's what? What hand? Is that a walky-talky? Oh, this.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
This? Yeah, yeah, this is a walky-talky.
And whom were you walky-talkying to? Well, I was talking to Plumbing Central.
Sometimes you get into trouble and you need help.
And, boy, do I need help.
Plumbing Central? Come in, Plumbing Central.
This is Conkey.
I need help.
HOLLISTER: Plumbing Central? Conkey, have you flipped your wig? Very busy.
Very busy down there.
Are they really? Morticia, may I see you privately for a moment, please? I'll go.
I'll go.
No, no, Mr.
Conkey.
You stay right here and plumb.
He's behaving even more strangely than the mailman.
Yes.
He seems very flighty for a plumber.
If he is a plumber.
-Come in, Hollister, this is Conkey.
-HOLLISTER: Conkey, where are you now? I'm bailing out.
You can't leave now.
You gotta stay.
I'm staying.
I'm staying.
I hate to bother you, old man, but there's something we have to check on.
Yes.
We don't mean to be rude, but could we see your union card? I still think you should have thrown him out.
How could we? His union card was above reproach.
Morticia, I don't feel safe with a nut like that running around the house.
Forget the plumber.
I've got to get through to Winthrop in Sumbawanga.
-Darling, is it so urgent? -Absolutely.
I must tell him not to mix the plutonium with the uranium shipments.
Otherwise they'll never get here.
Boy, that'd really knock the coconuts off the trees.
Fester, you've got to give me more power.
I'll try.
Addams calling Winthrop.
Addams calling Winthrop.
CONKEY: Conkey calling Hollister.
Conkey calling Hollister.
Darling, you're on a party line.
HOLLISTER ON RADlO: This is Hollister.
Come in.
Hollister, I need help.
Lots of help! Isn't that nice? Mr.
Conkey's finally contacted Plumbing Central.
Conkey calling Hollister.
Come in, Hollister.
For God's sake, come in.
I read you, Conkey.
I read you.
Don't read me.
Just get me out of here.
There's a lion in here! HOLLISTER: Now stop fooling around, Conkey.
Your job is to find that communication center.
CONKEY: My job is to find a way out of here.
I got a secret door.
Well, go in then.
Go in.
Say, Conkey.
Maybe it's the radio room.
That's right.
It is.
Conkey, just what are you doing? I'm leaving.
Morticia, there's skullduggery going on in this house.
That's right.
You're letting all kinds of kooks in here.
Darling, with your vast international interests, we can't afford to be too careful.
I think we should call the authorities.
Good thinking, my dear.
This is a job for lntelligence.
Well, don't look at me.
I got to go get recharged.
I have it.
I'll call the CIO.
Querida mia, not the CIO, ClA.
Whatever you say, dear.
I'll call Washington.
They'll put us in touch with the proper authorities.
Very good thinking, dear.
Intrigue.
Very intriguing.
Well, you did your best, Conkey.
Thanks anyway.
Well, who pays the bill? 18 bucks? And one pair of lion-bit pants.
What are they saying, Morticia? I spoke to the headman in Washington, who put me in touch with the regional director, who then put me in touch with the local director, who is now trying to connect me to the special agent in the field.
You start at the top, you get action.
I wouldn't worry about your breeches, Conkey.
The government's good for them.
Excuse me.
Yes? Who? Mrs.
Addams.
Some strange things have been going on in this house.
And we feel you ought to know about them.
Dear Special Agent, of course we're ready to talk.
Now just don't move a muscle, Mrs.
Addams, I'll be right in.
Over.
Conkey, I don't know what you did, but they are ready to confess.
Well, in case you need anything, Conkey Plumbing is out of business.
Follow me.
Badge Number 13.
What a lovely coincidence.
The same number as my perfume.
-Perfume? -Yes.
Quagmire Number 13.
Mrs.
Addams, I don't think you quite realize the serious situation that you're in.
Oh, but I do.
That's why we sent for you.
Naturally.
Of course, we don't like to implicate other people.
Then you do admit there are other people involved? Of course.
Let's see.
There is Briggs, the postman.
And Mr.
Conkey, the plumber.
Oh, please, Mrs.
Addams, I planted those people here myself.
You did? Then you must be involved in the ring.
GOMEZ: I'd say he's the head of the ring.
-I'm gonna have to make a citizen's arrest.
-What do you mean, darling? What if he isn't a citizen? Now, look here.
Of course I'm a citizen.
Good.
Then it's legal.
You rang? Lurch, disarm this traitor and throw him in the lockup.
Mrs.
Addams, I appeal to you.
This is no time Here! Just a minute.
I work for the government.
Hey, kid, get me out of here, will you? I can't.
My father said you're to stay right there.
Look, would you get me out if I gave you a pair of genuine undercover man's handcuffs? No.
I already got a pair from a regular cop that was here once.
Oh, it's time for me to send a message.
Calling Anthony in Poland.
This is Cleopatra, the man-eating plant.
The Thing is ready.
Repeat.
The Thing is ready.
Darn it.
The set's gone dead.
Do you mean to say that you're the one who's been making all these mystery calls? When we grow up we're all going to meet in Bulgaria and fight the gypsies from outer space.
Oh, my God.
The chief will never believe this.
Well, old man.
We owe you an apology.
Yes, we called Washington and we found out you really are an undercover man.
-I am? -Of course you are.
Buck up, old man.
There's lots of work to be done.
MORTlClA: Of course there is.
If it weren't for people like you, what would happen to people like us? I don't know.
But why didn't it happen before I got here? Do have Lurch give you back your pistol.
See, my dear.
These old heirlooms come in handy.
They certainly do, darling.
Why, do you know three years ago, I almost gave this away to the Salvation Army? Darn nice of Ahmed Ben Pasha to send us this Turkish hookah.
Does wonders for togetherness.
Mail's in.
Thank you, Thing.
There's 20 cents postage due.
I wonder why Mr.
Briggs didn't come in and get his money? He never does anymore.
We must owe that man a fortune.
I notice it's from a rest home.
It says, "Thank you.
If it weren't for you people, I wouldn't be here.
" It's signed P.
J.
Hollister.
I like a man who isn't too proud to be grateful.
Yes.
And it does make you thankful that our government men are so clever.
Dear Mr.
Hollister.
We should send him something.
I have it.
Some of Mama's candied porcupine.
The simple things are the best.