The Cleveland Show s01e16 Episode Script
1APS17 - Brown Knight
[SINGING.]
My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustache face This is The Cleveland Show [CHUCKLES.]
Cover that butt crack.
Cover that belly.
Cover something.
[EXPLOSION.]
No.
It's a chemical fire.
You can't use water.
We'll have to neutralize it with calcium and boron.
[STUDENTS MURMURING.]
By the way, that's edible.
Help.
Derek's choking.
It's not working! [GRO ANS.]
[GASPS.]
He can breathe.
Ha! Mrs.
Brown just throated me.
Ha, ha! [GRUNTING.]
What the Sam Hill is going on in here? Oh, Donna, you're just in time for the inaugural run of the Brown family's Blizzard of Bucks machine.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
[MEN CHEERING.]
TIM: Oh, yeah.
Oh, hell, no.
Shut it down.
[MUSIC STOPS.]
[MEN GRO AN.]
LESTER: Oh, man.
Come on, Donna.
You can play too.
Cleveland, I had a long day.
And I am in no mood for your nonsense.
Well, I hope you're in the mood for cold, hard cash.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
[MEN CHEERING.]
TIM: Yeah.
Yeah.
Come on, baby.
Big money, money, money.
[SHUTTER CLICKS.]
[BUZZER SOUNDS.]
[MUSIC STOPS.]
Time's up.
You didn't get any bucks.
Donna, you suck at Blizzard of Bucks.
Who paid for this machine? Donna, it pays for itself.
- Out.
Everybody, out.
LESTER: Adios.
TIM: We can take a clue.
- Nice boobs.
So you wear a wig.
I haven't had time to color my gray.
[SCREAMING.]
[R&B MUSIC PLAYING ON TV.]
I'm Kim Kardashian.
There's two things I know: Fucking and jeans.
And these are great fucking jeans.
Kardashians.
The only jeans with my own patented dual-zipper technology.
Kardashians.
Because I'm worth it.
Outcall Only.
No kissing on the mouth.
Mom, I need $300 to buy a pair of trendy jeans.
DONNA: Do I look like Richard Branson, the rebel billionaire? - You got money.
- Not that much.
I do.
I have $322 in my piggy bank.
How did you get so much money? Because I know how to save.
And I've lost a lot of teeth.
And I still have my looks.
You're starting to get saggy.
And Aah! Rallo, this is not the time of the month to piss me off.
Time of the month? What is she talking about? Damn crazy chick throw a pillow at me.
I'm trying to eat my damn chip.
Shoot.
She's making you return the Blizzard? I guess we know who wears the male genitals in your family.
Ha! Oh, please, Louise.
Donna's not the boss of me.
- Cleveland, all of us have bossy wives.
- Or mothers.
You gotta figure out a way to deal with them.
I happen to be blessed with a wife who's morbidly obese.
All I have to do is go through a doorway and I'm golden.
When Arianna gets me angry, I just log onto message boards of random topics.
And I post awful personal things about her.
And I sign it "Tom the Bear" so she could never trace it back to me.
Hmm.
I need to talk to Donna.
And I'll have to be firm with her like I was with that homeless man.
Spare some change? No, I'm sorry.
Little help? All right.
I'm gonna go buy a tent so I can sleep outside for fun.
Yo, Ro.
Squat or get off the pot.
Rallo, I told you.
This is a difficult time for me.
Leave me alone! [CRYING.]
Man just wanna go to bed without his breath stinking all to be damned.
Great.
Now I gotta get a new toothbrush.
"Maxi pads.
" [SCREAMING.]
The blood.
The horror.
Roberta's dying! You know, I've been thinking.
You sure are wonderful.
Cleveland, you're not keeping the stupid money-storm game.
Blizzard of Bucks.
Donna, come on.
There's nothing to do at my house when the guys come over.
Holt has a Pop-A-Shot.
Tim has table tennis.
Lester has tetherball.
And all I got is Oh, thank you kindly.
- Is marbles.
And nobody plays marbles anymore, Donna.
Nobody.
Oh, Cleveland, that is not pink.
You asked for pink.
Waiter.
Is there a problem? My husband's steak is the problem.
He asked for it pink.
I'm just gonna cover it in ketchup anyway.
Cleveland, hush.
Pink.
[WAITER SIGHS.]
Donna, if I were watching us on TV right now, I would say: "That handsome gentleman's wife is pushy.
And I'll bet you sometimes she embarrasses him around his friends.
" Then I would continue watching in hopes that they would explain what happened to that sad waiter's leg.
Look, Cleveland.
I was born with my dial set to eight, but life cranked it up to 10.
That's what happens when you're a single mom as long as I was.
And there's no dialing me down now.
Where's that steak? Donna, let's try some role-playing.
I'm Cleveland roll.
I have a reasonable request.
I'm Donna roll.
I'm bossy and you can't have a Blizzard of Bucks machine.
And I'm Esther Rolle.
Oh, J.
J.
, you had better not join a gang.
Oh, for God's sake.
Will you stop your dipping and dapping if I let you keep that stupid game? And go get some new money to put in it tonight? Yes, Cleveland.
Thank you, Donna.
Michael, where's Thelma? Run along, Bookman.
James is dead? Damn.
Damn.
Damn.
Sorry this took so long.
I don't move so quickly since I lost my leg to an infection that wasn't covered by my insurance.
Yes.
This show delivers.
Maybe you could ask the guys to bring some of their money too.
They never want to.
[GUN COCKS.]
[BOTH GASP.]
- I'll take that.
- Yes, you will.
Enjoy your evening, sir.
And I'll take your ring.
My wedding ring? The hell you will.
Donna, no.
Just give him the ring.
[CLEVELAND WHIMPERING.]
Don't die, baby.
God don't want you yet.
Damn.
Damn.
Damn.
Oh, Cleveland.
Thank God you were only shot in the arm.
Two minutes ago, it really seemed like you were dead.
Don't worry, Daddy.
I'm gonna bathe you and feed you and wipe you just like you did me when I was a baby.
Thank you, Junior.
Don't let him do any of those things to me.
Could you give us a minute? Sure.
I'll hit the maternity ward and look at the chicken people in the incubators.
Look at you all shot up because I couldn't keep my mouth shut.
I'm so sorry, Cleveland.
You were right about me.
But I'm done being the old Donna.
From now on, I'm dialing it back to a four.
Four what? Oh, right.
Your dial-metaphor thing.
I forgot about that after I got shot.
So, what did the police say? They say they're not investigating white-on-black crimes because of the economy.
ROBERTA: Girl, I was doubled over in pain all morning.
I barely made it to class.
Thank God it'll all be over soon.
Roberta, I know you're dying a horrible, blood-gushing death.
- What? - I've seen the bandages in the bathroom.
The disgusting bandages.
Oh, my God.
Rallo, I'm not I will do anything I can to make your last days more pleasant.
Anything.
I have the flesh-eating virus.
My stars.
Yes, it's tragic.
I guess it would help if I could be buried in the right outfit.
Kardashian jeans.
It has to be Kardashians.
But I don't have the $300.
That's a lot of money for some pants we're gonna bury.
[COUGHING.]
No, no.
I'll get them.
I have money.
- And could you clean my room? - Of course I'll clean your room.
[SNIFFS.]
[SINGING.]
If you leave me now You take away the biggest part of me Oh, Mama I just got to have your loving Yeah Guys, you're never gonna believe what TIM: Hey, it's bad, bad Cleveland Brown.
I'm sorry.
What's happening? We heard you got shot saving Donna's life.
Cleveland, you're number one on my dog list.
Top dog.
Number two, Favre.
Fellas, please, I'm no hero.
No one actually used the word "hero" To Cleveland.
ALL: To Cleveland.
Why, is that Cleveland Brown? I heard he killed 10 men with his bare hands.
Aye.
And I heard he has the head of a man and the body of a lion.
What? He's sitting right there.
He clearly doesn't have a lion's body.
Either play the game or don't, Chad.
[CLEVELAND WHISTLING.]
[CELL PHONE RINGS.]
Talk to me.
The Dan Rather? Wants me to be on his show tomorrow? Hell, yeah, yo, I'm gonna be there.
That was the producer of Rather Early.
They want me to come on and tell the story of my heroism.
Oh, boy.
I had better go change my Facebook status from "Cleveland Brown Jr.
Is playing marbles with Ernie" to "Cleveland Brown Jr.
Is excited about his dad being on TV.
" Mm.
Hello, dear.
Here's your martini, your newspaper and your pipe.
I'll be here if you need something.
Otherwise I'll keep my mouth shut.
Oh, I get it.
When I got shot, I actually died and went to heaven.
Because heaven is a place where women will bring you a drink without any lip and keep their opinions to themselves because they realize their words are just noise.
- Mm-hm.
- I like new Donna.
I was even thinking tonight, we could try that thing you've always wanted to try.
[GIGGLES.]
You know, in the bedroom.
- You mean? - That's right.
You on top.
You're doing Roberta's laundry? Rallo, I don't know what's going on, but I suspect Roberta is playing you.
Don't you talk that way about my sister.
She's dying, Mama.
What? What makes you say that? I found her soiled bandages.
The Maxi pads.
Maxi? [LAUGHING.]
Oh, Rallo.
Oh, I'm sending this one in to Parade magazine.
Oh, I'm glad you find it so delightful.
Your daughter's not long for this Earth, woman.
Rallo, sit.
How do I put this? Once a month, a woman bleeds uncontrollably.
- From where? - From her: [WHISTLES.]
Oh.
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.]
Good morning.
I'm Dan Rather, news veteran of 44 years and now reduced to co-hosting this local, morning chat show.
Just passing the time till I die.
And I've stopped taking my heart medications.
So any day now.
With me, as always, is Tila Tequila.
What up, bitches? I make out with girls.
Can you handle it? Thank you, Tila.
Coming up later.
Hold on to your hubcaps.
Stoolbend's only Mexican will be showing us how to make tacos.
I got a taco right here.
Gross.
Now we meet the brave citizen who fought off a crazed gunman.
Please welcome local hero Cleveland Brown.
Hey, hey, hey.
What's the frequency, Kenneth? Ha-ha-ha! I'm just playing.
But seriously, dawg, you know what it's like to be confronted by a straight-up madman.
This fool took my scrilla.
Then he be trying to take my queen's bling.
That's when I made him recognize.
Problem is, crackhead was strapped so I got sprayed.
What? Mr.
Brown, Rather Early has exclusively obtained this video from the ATM's security camera where the incident took place.
What? I wasn't told there would be a clip, Dan.
[CHUCKLES.]
[AUDIENCE BOOING.]
[GASPS.]
All right, Favre, helmet on.
You're in.
Hey, look.
Our ATM's on TV.
We're famous.
[BOOING.]
So, Donna, how does it feel to be married to a joke? And not a good joke, but a bad joke like that one I heard on Saturday Night Live that one time.
Oh, I won't have my man comparing himself to anything on NBC.
You're right, damn it.
I'm gonna go out there and get your ring back.
Because I'm better than NBC.
They never gave Kath & Kim a chance.
Cute show.
Molly Shannon, somebody else.
Mm.
Molly Shannon.
Those underpants when she fell into all those chairs.
- Cleveland, my ring? - Yep.
Excuse me, sir.
Has anyone brought in a woman's gold wedding band? Sir, this is a pawnshop.
To think of profiting on something as sordid as divorce is anathema to everything I stand for.
Get out.
- Forgive me.
Hey, is that a video camera? - It is.
- Is that a fog machine? - Yes.
You don't happen to have a saxophone, do you? Sure do.
[PLAYING GLENN FREY'S "THE HEAT IS ON".]
[SINGING.]
Oh-wo-ho, oh-wo-ho Caught up in the action I've been looking out for you Oh-wo-ho, oh-wo-ho Tell me can you feel it Tell me can you feel it - Tell me can you feel it - Tell me can you feel it The heat is On Proper.
Well, I guess I should go find that mugger.
Cool.
Hey, later tonight, I'm having some people over to my apartment.
- You should come.
- Yeah, okay.
You're not gonna come, are you? Ha-ha-ha.
No.
If I can't go after the mugger, maybe I'll make the mugger go after me.
Oh, I hope I look good enough to rob, but not good enough to rape.
[JUNIOR AND ERNIE LAUGHING.]
Oh, what's so funny? Are you guys watching a JibJab? No.
We're watching you.
- You're a YouTube sensation.
- What? Oh, turn that mess off before I get Hold on.
Junior, pause the video.
Now zoom in, quick.
But you can't do that on YouTube.
I said, zoom in.
JUNIOR: We've lost too much resolution.
I'll have to resample the image.
Listen to me.
I need you to hack into the server using a buffer-overflow attack.
- Already done.
- Well, what's left? Open a backdoor to bypass authentication and obtain remote access to the Criminal Investigation Division.
Do it.
There, look.
The mugger's wearing a Last Call with Carson Daly hat.
Junior, cross-check every retail database to find out how many Last Call hats have been sold in the United States.
Two.
One to a Mr.
Carson Daly in Valencia, California.
And one was shipped to another honky right here in Stoolbend.
You're still wearing your dress.
[GRO ANS.]
[GRO ANS.]
Pornographic materials.
This guy's a real pig.
Mmm.
Neat, neat, neat.
Hurray! Now I gotta find that ring.
Oh, here it is.
That was surprisingly uncomplicated.
Ow! Ow! Oh, my Lord.
The mugger found where we live.
We got robbed! No.
We got even.
Two hundred ninety-nine, 300.
That's how much money I paid for those jeans.
And that's how much money I got for selling everything you own on Craigslist.
Ooh! I will beat your little black ass blue.
And then I will slap the black off of you.
And then I will use that black to beat your blue ass black all over again.
You poor.
Roberta, what's wrong? That time of the month? Yo, he means that time of the month when the lining of your uterus falls away.
[JUNIOR AND RALLO LAUGHING.]
What are you gonna do to me? I'm gonna make you suffer, the way you made Jeanette Mueller suffer.
That's right.
She was my mother.
Wait.
Who do you think I am? Renfro Jenkins? Cleveland, are you all right? Donna? How did you find me? Ever since you decided to go out and find my ring, I've been trailing you.
I was there at the pawnshop and when you dressed in drag.
I didn't want anything to happen to you, baby.
So this whole time, you were protecting me? I'm sorry.
I tried to change.
I really did.
But, Cleveland, I can't sit quietly in the background like some Asian woman.
- It's just not me.
- I know, Donna.
This strong foxy lady is who I married and it's who I love.
Oh, but it's happening all over again.
I came here to get your ring back and prove that I'm a man.
But now the only proof that I'm a man is my ambiguous homophobia.
No.
Not this time, Cleveland.
Aah! Damn it.
You shot me.
[CRYING.]
Listen to me.
And listen good.
The mugger shot you.
What? He didn't shoot Focus.
Oh, now you're slapping me? Here.
You can have a butterscotch from my purse if you promise to calm down.
Okay, I've already called the cops.
When they get here, tell them you confronted the mugger there was a fight and he shot you.
May I have another butterscotch? I don't have any more butterscotches.
I saw one in your purse.
Fine.
So there you were with a bullet wound.
But even with the blood draining from your body you overpowered him and got my ring back.
[SIRENS APPRO ACHING.]
They're here.
Go, Cleveland.
Wait.
Aren't you coming? No.
You have to go out there and take all the glory for yourself.
But why, Donna? Because Stoolbend needs a hero.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustache face This is The Cleveland Show [CHUCKLES.]
Cover that butt crack.
Cover that belly.
Cover something.
[EXPLOSION.]
No.
It's a chemical fire.
You can't use water.
We'll have to neutralize it with calcium and boron.
[STUDENTS MURMURING.]
By the way, that's edible.
Help.
Derek's choking.
It's not working! [GRO ANS.]
[GASPS.]
He can breathe.
Ha! Mrs.
Brown just throated me.
Ha, ha! [GRUNTING.]
What the Sam Hill is going on in here? Oh, Donna, you're just in time for the inaugural run of the Brown family's Blizzard of Bucks machine.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
[MEN CHEERING.]
TIM: Oh, yeah.
Oh, hell, no.
Shut it down.
[MUSIC STOPS.]
[MEN GRO AN.]
LESTER: Oh, man.
Come on, Donna.
You can play too.
Cleveland, I had a long day.
And I am in no mood for your nonsense.
Well, I hope you're in the mood for cold, hard cash.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
[MEN CHEERING.]
TIM: Yeah.
Yeah.
Come on, baby.
Big money, money, money.
[SHUTTER CLICKS.]
[BUZZER SOUNDS.]
[MUSIC STOPS.]
Time's up.
You didn't get any bucks.
Donna, you suck at Blizzard of Bucks.
Who paid for this machine? Donna, it pays for itself.
- Out.
Everybody, out.
LESTER: Adios.
TIM: We can take a clue.
- Nice boobs.
So you wear a wig.
I haven't had time to color my gray.
[SCREAMING.]
[R&B MUSIC PLAYING ON TV.]
I'm Kim Kardashian.
There's two things I know: Fucking and jeans.
And these are great fucking jeans.
Kardashians.
The only jeans with my own patented dual-zipper technology.
Kardashians.
Because I'm worth it.
Outcall Only.
No kissing on the mouth.
Mom, I need $300 to buy a pair of trendy jeans.
DONNA: Do I look like Richard Branson, the rebel billionaire? - You got money.
- Not that much.
I do.
I have $322 in my piggy bank.
How did you get so much money? Because I know how to save.
And I've lost a lot of teeth.
And I still have my looks.
You're starting to get saggy.
And Aah! Rallo, this is not the time of the month to piss me off.
Time of the month? What is she talking about? Damn crazy chick throw a pillow at me.
I'm trying to eat my damn chip.
Shoot.
She's making you return the Blizzard? I guess we know who wears the male genitals in your family.
Ha! Oh, please, Louise.
Donna's not the boss of me.
- Cleveland, all of us have bossy wives.
- Or mothers.
You gotta figure out a way to deal with them.
I happen to be blessed with a wife who's morbidly obese.
All I have to do is go through a doorway and I'm golden.
When Arianna gets me angry, I just log onto message boards of random topics.
And I post awful personal things about her.
And I sign it "Tom the Bear" so she could never trace it back to me.
Hmm.
I need to talk to Donna.
And I'll have to be firm with her like I was with that homeless man.
Spare some change? No, I'm sorry.
Little help? All right.
I'm gonna go buy a tent so I can sleep outside for fun.
Yo, Ro.
Squat or get off the pot.
Rallo, I told you.
This is a difficult time for me.
Leave me alone! [CRYING.]
Man just wanna go to bed without his breath stinking all to be damned.
Great.
Now I gotta get a new toothbrush.
"Maxi pads.
" [SCREAMING.]
The blood.
The horror.
Roberta's dying! You know, I've been thinking.
You sure are wonderful.
Cleveland, you're not keeping the stupid money-storm game.
Blizzard of Bucks.
Donna, come on.
There's nothing to do at my house when the guys come over.
Holt has a Pop-A-Shot.
Tim has table tennis.
Lester has tetherball.
And all I got is Oh, thank you kindly.
- Is marbles.
And nobody plays marbles anymore, Donna.
Nobody.
Oh, Cleveland, that is not pink.
You asked for pink.
Waiter.
Is there a problem? My husband's steak is the problem.
He asked for it pink.
I'm just gonna cover it in ketchup anyway.
Cleveland, hush.
Pink.
[WAITER SIGHS.]
Donna, if I were watching us on TV right now, I would say: "That handsome gentleman's wife is pushy.
And I'll bet you sometimes she embarrasses him around his friends.
" Then I would continue watching in hopes that they would explain what happened to that sad waiter's leg.
Look, Cleveland.
I was born with my dial set to eight, but life cranked it up to 10.
That's what happens when you're a single mom as long as I was.
And there's no dialing me down now.
Where's that steak? Donna, let's try some role-playing.
I'm Cleveland roll.
I have a reasonable request.
I'm Donna roll.
I'm bossy and you can't have a Blizzard of Bucks machine.
And I'm Esther Rolle.
Oh, J.
J.
, you had better not join a gang.
Oh, for God's sake.
Will you stop your dipping and dapping if I let you keep that stupid game? And go get some new money to put in it tonight? Yes, Cleveland.
Thank you, Donna.
Michael, where's Thelma? Run along, Bookman.
James is dead? Damn.
Damn.
Damn.
Sorry this took so long.
I don't move so quickly since I lost my leg to an infection that wasn't covered by my insurance.
Yes.
This show delivers.
Maybe you could ask the guys to bring some of their money too.
They never want to.
[GUN COCKS.]
[BOTH GASP.]
- I'll take that.
- Yes, you will.
Enjoy your evening, sir.
And I'll take your ring.
My wedding ring? The hell you will.
Donna, no.
Just give him the ring.
[CLEVELAND WHIMPERING.]
Don't die, baby.
God don't want you yet.
Damn.
Damn.
Damn.
Oh, Cleveland.
Thank God you were only shot in the arm.
Two minutes ago, it really seemed like you were dead.
Don't worry, Daddy.
I'm gonna bathe you and feed you and wipe you just like you did me when I was a baby.
Thank you, Junior.
Don't let him do any of those things to me.
Could you give us a minute? Sure.
I'll hit the maternity ward and look at the chicken people in the incubators.
Look at you all shot up because I couldn't keep my mouth shut.
I'm so sorry, Cleveland.
You were right about me.
But I'm done being the old Donna.
From now on, I'm dialing it back to a four.
Four what? Oh, right.
Your dial-metaphor thing.
I forgot about that after I got shot.
So, what did the police say? They say they're not investigating white-on-black crimes because of the economy.
ROBERTA: Girl, I was doubled over in pain all morning.
I barely made it to class.
Thank God it'll all be over soon.
Roberta, I know you're dying a horrible, blood-gushing death.
- What? - I've seen the bandages in the bathroom.
The disgusting bandages.
Oh, my God.
Rallo, I'm not I will do anything I can to make your last days more pleasant.
Anything.
I have the flesh-eating virus.
My stars.
Yes, it's tragic.
I guess it would help if I could be buried in the right outfit.
Kardashian jeans.
It has to be Kardashians.
But I don't have the $300.
That's a lot of money for some pants we're gonna bury.
[COUGHING.]
No, no.
I'll get them.
I have money.
- And could you clean my room? - Of course I'll clean your room.
[SNIFFS.]
[SINGING.]
If you leave me now You take away the biggest part of me Oh, Mama I just got to have your loving Yeah Guys, you're never gonna believe what TIM: Hey, it's bad, bad Cleveland Brown.
I'm sorry.
What's happening? We heard you got shot saving Donna's life.
Cleveland, you're number one on my dog list.
Top dog.
Number two, Favre.
Fellas, please, I'm no hero.
No one actually used the word "hero" To Cleveland.
ALL: To Cleveland.
Why, is that Cleveland Brown? I heard he killed 10 men with his bare hands.
Aye.
And I heard he has the head of a man and the body of a lion.
What? He's sitting right there.
He clearly doesn't have a lion's body.
Either play the game or don't, Chad.
[CLEVELAND WHISTLING.]
[CELL PHONE RINGS.]
Talk to me.
The Dan Rather? Wants me to be on his show tomorrow? Hell, yeah, yo, I'm gonna be there.
That was the producer of Rather Early.
They want me to come on and tell the story of my heroism.
Oh, boy.
I had better go change my Facebook status from "Cleveland Brown Jr.
Is playing marbles with Ernie" to "Cleveland Brown Jr.
Is excited about his dad being on TV.
" Mm.
Hello, dear.
Here's your martini, your newspaper and your pipe.
I'll be here if you need something.
Otherwise I'll keep my mouth shut.
Oh, I get it.
When I got shot, I actually died and went to heaven.
Because heaven is a place where women will bring you a drink without any lip and keep their opinions to themselves because they realize their words are just noise.
- Mm-hm.
- I like new Donna.
I was even thinking tonight, we could try that thing you've always wanted to try.
[GIGGLES.]
You know, in the bedroom.
- You mean? - That's right.
You on top.
You're doing Roberta's laundry? Rallo, I don't know what's going on, but I suspect Roberta is playing you.
Don't you talk that way about my sister.
She's dying, Mama.
What? What makes you say that? I found her soiled bandages.
The Maxi pads.
Maxi? [LAUGHING.]
Oh, Rallo.
Oh, I'm sending this one in to Parade magazine.
Oh, I'm glad you find it so delightful.
Your daughter's not long for this Earth, woman.
Rallo, sit.
How do I put this? Once a month, a woman bleeds uncontrollably.
- From where? - From her: [WHISTLES.]
Oh.
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.]
Good morning.
I'm Dan Rather, news veteran of 44 years and now reduced to co-hosting this local, morning chat show.
Just passing the time till I die.
And I've stopped taking my heart medications.
So any day now.
With me, as always, is Tila Tequila.
What up, bitches? I make out with girls.
Can you handle it? Thank you, Tila.
Coming up later.
Hold on to your hubcaps.
Stoolbend's only Mexican will be showing us how to make tacos.
I got a taco right here.
Gross.
Now we meet the brave citizen who fought off a crazed gunman.
Please welcome local hero Cleveland Brown.
Hey, hey, hey.
What's the frequency, Kenneth? Ha-ha-ha! I'm just playing.
But seriously, dawg, you know what it's like to be confronted by a straight-up madman.
This fool took my scrilla.
Then he be trying to take my queen's bling.
That's when I made him recognize.
Problem is, crackhead was strapped so I got sprayed.
What? Mr.
Brown, Rather Early has exclusively obtained this video from the ATM's security camera where the incident took place.
What? I wasn't told there would be a clip, Dan.
[CHUCKLES.]
[AUDIENCE BOOING.]
[GASPS.]
All right, Favre, helmet on.
You're in.
Hey, look.
Our ATM's on TV.
We're famous.
[BOOING.]
So, Donna, how does it feel to be married to a joke? And not a good joke, but a bad joke like that one I heard on Saturday Night Live that one time.
Oh, I won't have my man comparing himself to anything on NBC.
You're right, damn it.
I'm gonna go out there and get your ring back.
Because I'm better than NBC.
They never gave Kath & Kim a chance.
Cute show.
Molly Shannon, somebody else.
Mm.
Molly Shannon.
Those underpants when she fell into all those chairs.
- Cleveland, my ring? - Yep.
Excuse me, sir.
Has anyone brought in a woman's gold wedding band? Sir, this is a pawnshop.
To think of profiting on something as sordid as divorce is anathema to everything I stand for.
Get out.
- Forgive me.
Hey, is that a video camera? - It is.
- Is that a fog machine? - Yes.
You don't happen to have a saxophone, do you? Sure do.
[PLAYING GLENN FREY'S "THE HEAT IS ON".]
[SINGING.]
Oh-wo-ho, oh-wo-ho Caught up in the action I've been looking out for you Oh-wo-ho, oh-wo-ho Tell me can you feel it Tell me can you feel it - Tell me can you feel it - Tell me can you feel it The heat is On Proper.
Well, I guess I should go find that mugger.
Cool.
Hey, later tonight, I'm having some people over to my apartment.
- You should come.
- Yeah, okay.
You're not gonna come, are you? Ha-ha-ha.
No.
If I can't go after the mugger, maybe I'll make the mugger go after me.
Oh, I hope I look good enough to rob, but not good enough to rape.
[JUNIOR AND ERNIE LAUGHING.]
Oh, what's so funny? Are you guys watching a JibJab? No.
We're watching you.
- You're a YouTube sensation.
- What? Oh, turn that mess off before I get Hold on.
Junior, pause the video.
Now zoom in, quick.
But you can't do that on YouTube.
I said, zoom in.
JUNIOR: We've lost too much resolution.
I'll have to resample the image.
Listen to me.
I need you to hack into the server using a buffer-overflow attack.
- Already done.
- Well, what's left? Open a backdoor to bypass authentication and obtain remote access to the Criminal Investigation Division.
Do it.
There, look.
The mugger's wearing a Last Call with Carson Daly hat.
Junior, cross-check every retail database to find out how many Last Call hats have been sold in the United States.
Two.
One to a Mr.
Carson Daly in Valencia, California.
And one was shipped to another honky right here in Stoolbend.
You're still wearing your dress.
[GRO ANS.]
[GRO ANS.]
Pornographic materials.
This guy's a real pig.
Mmm.
Neat, neat, neat.
Hurray! Now I gotta find that ring.
Oh, here it is.
That was surprisingly uncomplicated.
Ow! Ow! Oh, my Lord.
The mugger found where we live.
We got robbed! No.
We got even.
Two hundred ninety-nine, 300.
That's how much money I paid for those jeans.
And that's how much money I got for selling everything you own on Craigslist.
Ooh! I will beat your little black ass blue.
And then I will slap the black off of you.
And then I will use that black to beat your blue ass black all over again.
You poor.
Roberta, what's wrong? That time of the month? Yo, he means that time of the month when the lining of your uterus falls away.
[JUNIOR AND RALLO LAUGHING.]
What are you gonna do to me? I'm gonna make you suffer, the way you made Jeanette Mueller suffer.
That's right.
She was my mother.
Wait.
Who do you think I am? Renfro Jenkins? Cleveland, are you all right? Donna? How did you find me? Ever since you decided to go out and find my ring, I've been trailing you.
I was there at the pawnshop and when you dressed in drag.
I didn't want anything to happen to you, baby.
So this whole time, you were protecting me? I'm sorry.
I tried to change.
I really did.
But, Cleveland, I can't sit quietly in the background like some Asian woman.
- It's just not me.
- I know, Donna.
This strong foxy lady is who I married and it's who I love.
Oh, but it's happening all over again.
I came here to get your ring back and prove that I'm a man.
But now the only proof that I'm a man is my ambiguous homophobia.
No.
Not this time, Cleveland.
Aah! Damn it.
You shot me.
[CRYING.]
Listen to me.
And listen good.
The mugger shot you.
What? He didn't shoot Focus.
Oh, now you're slapping me? Here.
You can have a butterscotch from my purse if you promise to calm down.
Okay, I've already called the cops.
When they get here, tell them you confronted the mugger there was a fight and he shot you.
May I have another butterscotch? I don't have any more butterscotches.
I saw one in your purse.
Fine.
So there you were with a bullet wound.
But even with the blood draining from your body you overpowered him and got my ring back.
[SIRENS APPRO ACHING.]
They're here.
Go, Cleveland.
Wait.
Aren't you coming? No.
You have to go out there and take all the glory for yourself.
But why, Donna? Because Stoolbend needs a hero.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]