The Crazy Ones s01e16 Episode Script

That were not just blowing smoke.
We would love to work with you.
And not just because your motel chain is the largest independently on the country.
This Bainbridge motels are part of this country's history.
- My sister's wedding.
- Friendly vacation.
After school job.
Magical prom.
Okay.
Flammable.
Pressed wood.
Bedbugs.
I have no illusions about my motels.
They're small, they're cheap and, until last week, they were safe from bear attacks.
Good, 'cause we were blowing a lot of smoke.
No, I know! I can see that! Honesty time, everybody.
Lost my virginity.
Got drunk and barfed.
Roofied my math teacher.
Wow.
I never went to prom.
Oh, kitten.
Well, this is a good group.
I like you guys.
I have to be honest: I am meeting with other agencies.
We encourage that.
Get out there and listen to other pitches.
We want you to choose your agency based on merit.
You're joking.
Of course I am.
Choose us 'cause we're pretty.
No, the emcee for my son's bar mitzvah just canceled.
His wife went into premature labor and blah, blah, blah.
This is a disaster.
No, it's not, Beth.
Look no further.
I happen to know the best bar mitzvah emcee in all of Chicago.
You do? Mm-hmm.
So let me hear where my real chosen people are at! Yeah, and now put your hands together for my main man, S-S-S-S-Sam Silverberg! All right, they're feeling it.
DJ, cut the music, cut the music.
It's time to dig into those pre-plated salads, everybody.
And, remember, if you want Dr.
Z to visit your bar mitzvah, clean your plates.
You called yourself Dr.
Z? I like you in sequins.
No.
No, no, no, no.
No, no.
We're not just skating over this tragic geek bomb that's just landed in our laps.
It's not a big deal.
I thought I told you about this.
I used to be a bar mitzvah emcee Oh, oh, and Yeah.
really? I think I actually I would've remembered this.
No.
I am no advocate of bullying, but our friend right here needs to be mercilessly tortured by his peers right now.
Am I right? I am right.
Who's gonna start? I guess I'm gonna start.
Andrew, Andrew.
I'm sorry, but he was magnificent.
Hmm.
I knew the moment I met him, he was a star.
You're amazing.
Whose uncle is this? I'm a Gentile.
Happy to be here.
Token goy.
All right.
I want to make you an offer.
Oh.
I just thought he was hitting on me.
Oh Dad, are we really gonna pimp Zach out to land a client? I mean, what happened to getting it on our own merit? Syd, that was a big part of the biz back in the day.
It was fun.
Wooing, schmoozing clients, getting them to sign before they passed out on a pile of blow.
Oh, those were the days.
It's sweet when he stumbles down memory lane.
Yeah.
It's adorable.
Sydney, it's a motel chain.
It's a year's work for everyone.
And if we get a second one and people land on it, they'll have to pay us a lot of money.
Wait, that's Monopoly.
But the same rules apply.
What do you say? Are you in, Race Car? Here's the thing.
Um, Highland Park has a-a Mm-hmm.
Pretty tight Jewish community.
And it-it might be tricky to run into some people.
Some people? Just how many Jewish girls in Highland Park had to have their "Zach" tattoo covered with a butterfly? Oh, fun fact: Jews don't usually get tattoos.
Another fun fact: an uncircumcised penis looks like a dog in a snood.
Really? There's just this one girl, a singer.
Please.
As this old rabbi once said to me, "Women, feh!" Eh.
Come on.
It's for the agency, Zach.
You're not gonna let me down, are you, son? Let you down? No.
Feh! Hey! Is he a mensch? Give me that punim! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh.
- Beth, I promise you, - Mm-hmm.
If you use Zachary as your bar mitzvah emcee, you'll be the talk of this town.
Some warm brie? I think it's kosher.
- Thank you.
Well, my son's name is Noah.
- Okay.
We'll get to him.
He sounds great.
And it's just gonna be a real special night for all of us.
My first question is: who is your bar mitzvah singer? - Mmm.
- Ooh, I can't remember her name.
If you can try.
We just want to make sure that you have the best.
- Zoe Gold.
- Oh, God.
Zoe Gold's the best.
We couldn't get her.
- Oh, sorry.
That's great.
- I was furious.
I mentioned Zoe to Jennifer Blume, and she booked her for her daughter's bat mitzvah the very same night.
So unfair.
She already got the good hall.
I can't stand Jennifer Blume or her chubby daughter.
- It's terrible how big that child is getting.
- She blew up.
The whole mishpocheh's gigantic.
Let's get to the most important thing.
What's our theme? Well, after lots of tears and arguments, my son and I finally compromised on "Noah Loves Chicago.
" I love it! Never been done before! Beth, Beth, Beth, wait, wait a minute.
I just had a vision.
Hold on.
We'll have the bar mitzvah here.
How 'bout that? "Noah Loves Chicago.
" In here? He'll be looking out on all of it! And I will not have his sacred night held in some dank, dark basement.
Well, that's where he was conceived.
I'm kidding! It was in one of my fleabag motels.
I forgot you even had motels.
Some more expensive champagne? Oh, well, I really shouldn't.
Oh, yes, you should.
Yes! Now we do bar mitzvahs? Yeah.
What's next? Renting out this place for a sorority party, having a butt-chugging station in the corner? Fun fact: it's the best way to get a buzz without all the unwanted calories.
Sydney, that's how we'll land this account.
We take all the responsibility for the party, we get all the credit for creating the greatest moment in little Noah's life.
She will so owe us.
I do want a motel.
Syd, come on.
Check me out.
Look at me now.
Sparkle vest.
What's up? Ooh, robot.
- That's kind of sexy.
- What's going on? No, no.
Fun is fun.
I forbid you to wear this out.
- It's a great vest.
- I didn't raise you to wear sequins.
Life is good.
Zach's gonna land us a motel chain while wearing a sparkly vest.
My heart is full, my pupik is an outie.
We are gonna party like it's 5078.
Sydney.
Hora Let's do the hora, that funky hora The dance that Hebrews love to do, hey! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! I'm your emcee, Dr.
Z, and tonight's prognosis is fun! Now, I'm here with my party peppers to take this party to a whole new level! But before we go any further, I need everybody to get up out of those seats and come join us right here on the dance floor! Come on, party peppers, let's go! All right, Aunt Sadie.
Twerk it, girl! Show me what you workin' with.
What does he want me to do? He wants you to twerk it, Aunt Sadie! Come on, peppers Let it rain, Jonah! Oh! You're next, Seymour.
Simon, you really went all out.
Oh, I can't wait to see the look on Jennifer Blume's face-lift.
Hard to tell with her.
She always looks surprised.
Did you see the hall hockey? We have a signed stick that Patrick Kane used in the hockey ball super game.
Stanley Cup.
Oh.
Do you know sports? - Not really.
- Oh, good.
Check this out.
The kids are taking selfies and live-streaming.
Old people.
And delete.
There's a really cute guy over there.
I thought you had, like, a "no facial hair" policy on that list of yours.
I don't have a list.
Mmm Okay, maybe I have a list that I might possibly have amended recently to include facial hair.
Well, you're expanding your horizons, and I'm very proud of you.
Well, if you're really proud of me, then make yourself scarce 'cause he's coming this way.
Feed the big dog, Jonah! Hi.
Was it you or that dude that was checking out my tank? I'm not judging.
I just want to know who to give my number to.
That might have been me.
Is one of these kids yours? Or are you, like, the hot cousin? Hoping for hot cousin.
I'll take hot cousin.
Am I charming you right now? I feel like I'm charming you right now.
A little bit.
A little bit, yeah.
Maybe you want to take my number now, though.
You know, just in case you're gonna mess it up.
How did you know that's what I do? Did I hit on you already tonight? Sydney, can you please explain to the bartender that he can serve 13-year-olds because they're technically men? I will talk to the bartender.
And you don't.
I should probably take care of that.
Yeah, I think you should.
You want to get a drink after this? Yeah.
I would like that.
I'll find you.
I'll be working all night.
You want to watch it while I walk away? Check it out.
You like waiter butt, huh? It's good, right? And now the guy who wowed Temple Shir Tikvah when he sang the haftorah with no vowels, put your hands together for my main man, Noah! Swarovski, bitches! Well, that's new information.
Mm-hmm.
When I agreed to "Noah Loves Chicago," I meant the musical.
I will put on a brave face, but I am not happy, Beth.
That is one tough broad.
I think maybe I pushed the theme in the wrong direction.
Oh, Noah's so hard to please.
Really? But, Simon, Mm-hmm.
if this party is any indication of how you'll handle my account, Uh-huh.
Well, then Suspenseful.
I hate to be that person, but should you be doing that? Yeah, I know.
I try to stay away from dairy, but these things are crazy good.
I stashed a bunch in a drawer in that office.
W But that's my office.
Well, then I know who to blame if any of them are gone.
You got to try one.
No, I don't want one.
Come on! Be adventurous.
You don't try things.
That's your problem.
I don't have a problem.
You got a whole drawer full of stolen appetizers.
I'd say you got all kinds of problems.
Ants, at the very least.
Try it.
No, don't feed me, okay? Feed the other people.
A-And if you feel the need to feed yourself I don't know maybe try new food.
You got a problem with recycling? Don't bring your beef with Mother Earth into Noah's special day.
Let me ask you something.
We still having that drink later? No.
'Cause I'm a waiter? No.
Because you're a bad waiter.
Hey.
Eyes up here.
This? Not for you.
I gotta feeling That tonight's gonna be a good night Should not be eating those.
Okay.
We're gonna do the blessing over the bread, then dinner, then the candle lighting.
Then we are gonna rock this thing out.
Yeah.
All right? And if we run into any trouble, just shout, "Hora.
" I've never met a Jew that can resist a festive dance.
I love it, it's like a "Chicken Dance" for the Gentiles.
Exactly.
All right, now, where's my singer? Oh, wow.
- The band started.
- Good news.
On this holy day, God chose to give Jennifer Blume's daughter appendicitis.
I snagged Chicago's number one bar mitzvah singer.
I know that we'll have a ball If we get down and go out And just lose it all, I feel Zoe Gold.
Oh, you know her? Yeah.
Let's go away to outer space And we're losing all control Fill up my cup Mazel tov Look at her dancing You okay, pal? Mm-hmm.
Just take it off.
Okay, wait, this cannot be the first time you've faced someone you've dumped.
I mean, how bad was this one? What, did she stalk you? Make Darjeeling out of your toenail clippings? Please tell me she sent you a jar of her own tears.
Oh, there were definitely tears.
We walked on the beach, you held my hand We made love in your parents' minivan Zoe Hey.
My dad's gonna turn the sprinklers on in two minutes.
What? I stand here astonished.
All right, not only were you a bar mitzvah geek, but you were also a big baby over a girl.
You've got levels.
Levels.
Oh, my God.
I was such a wreck when she broke up with me, I didn't wash my hair for three days.
Except for maybe some dry shampoo and a little product.
How long is your regime? I just wanted to know why, you know? Why would she break up with me when it was perfect? - We were so in love.
And then - it's over.
It's like I'm back there, right now.
I need to know why.
I'm gonna go out there, I got to find out No, you are not.
You do not want to know why.
There is no good answer to that question.
Zach, what are you doing in here? The Jews are wandering.
I need my Moses.
It's getting biblical out there.
I'm running out of mazel! Don't you leave me out there with my schmekel in my hand.
You want to get through this? Yeah.
Forget she's out there.
You don't look her in the eye.
That'll just light the flame anew.
No eye contact.
You come with me, okay? You act as cool as a freak sideways-moonwalking in sequin socks thinks he can be.
All right.
Hey, good moves on that dance floor, kid.
That's my Zach Cropper.
Let me get this straight.
You fired Facial Hair because you didn't want to go out with him? No, she fired him because he was a waiter.
Oh, I see what you're saying.
Why are you guys talking about me like I'm not here? Well, because we don't want to call you - a snob to your face.
- Not at a party.
I am not a snob.
I'm a germaphobe, maybe.
Besides, I'm pretty sure that it is not kosher to mix saliva and dairy, so he pretty much fired himself.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Looks like he's rehired himself.
Goat cheese tarts? They come highly recommended by me.
Wha If you take that, you're validating him.
What are you still doing here? I'm waitering pro bono now.
I have a really great work ethic.
He's challenging her.
I like this.
- Tell me your name.
- Owen.
- I'm on Team Owen.
- Me, too.
What about Team Me? Why isn't anyone on Team Me? Why do I always get picked last for that team? She fired me 'cause she's embarrassed she was checking out waiter butt.
- She's such an asses-classist.
- That's what we were saying.
You're done.
I am outsourcing your job to Team Me.
You saw that, right? - She did it again.
- Absolutely.
- Totally did it again.
- She did it again.
That's some jersey.
Beth's idea.
Ah.
I love her, but we fight like sisters.
It's like Freud said, "If it's not one thing, it's your mother.
" - I don't know who that is.
- Good.
Tonight's just one night.
But you're gonna have a great life.
I see you restoring a townhouse in Highland Park, summering on Fire Island, eventually adopting Vietnamese twins and having a family of your own.
Lose the jersey.
It's not you.
Yeah, come on, party people Oh, yeah.
You feelin' it, Jaden? I feel something.
Ah! Hey.
Oh, hey.
Lauren.
I am flying.
Is it weird I got high with some of the kids? Very.
Jewish chronic rules.
That singer I told you about, she's on break, right? The one who dumped you and you went all Taylor Swift on? Mm-hmm.
She's right behind you.
Zach.
Zoe.
Okay, I did not know you were gonna be here.
I thought you left the business when that guy picked you up at that bar mitzvah.
He's my boss now, and, uh, I'm just doing him a favor.
Okay, but are we okay? Because the last time I saw you at that Stop & Shop, you cried into a bushel of kale.
Because of the prices.
Just promise me this won't get weird.
Weird? How would it get weird? Papa, can you hear me? Papa, can you see me? What happened, Zoe? Papa, can you find me Why wouldn't you tell me why you broke up with me? I loved you so much.
In the night? Just stop it, just shut up.
Hora! Hava nagila Hava nagila Hava nagila, ve nismekha Let's leave the last one unlit, Aunt Sadie.
In honor of words, words left unsaid.
Oy.
Hora! Hava nagila, Hava nagila Hava nagila Day that this boy became a man Was when we made love in your parent's minivan Zoe Hora! Again with the hora? When the spirit moves you, you got to go with the flow.
Praise Moses! Sydney.
What the hell's wrong with Zach? I don't know.
But I'm starting to think coke and hookers might've been easier.
Now you're dancing? You fired me.
You're not the boss of what I do in my free time.
He's got a point.
Why are you on his side? All I care about is your happiness.
It's a mitzvah.
Am I right, Lauren? Can you guys tell I'm high? Yeah.
Yup.
I know it wasn't the sex, because that was good.
But was it too good? Did it make you question yourself? I'm not doing this.
I will leave you alone if you just tell me what happened.
Nothing happened.
Zoe, we were so in love.
No, you were.
For me it was just fun.
I never loved you, Zach.
I got to get out of here.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Hey! There go the Cohens.
I see 'em.
And the Cohens from Northbrook, and the Cohens from Deerfield.
This is the worst bar mitzvah ever.
Thank you, Simon.
Trust me, Beth, I can turn this around.
A similar thing happened when we threw a party for Ben & Jerry's - in '81, minus the peyote pizza.
- Where is your emcee? Someone needs to keep these people from leaving.
Don't worry your pretty little punim.
I know just what to do.
And in these olden times, it was a dream of every young boy to one day study the Torah.
But it was also the dream of a 45-year-old woman, so she passed herself off as a younger woman.
Pretended to be a 14-year-old boy with payos envy.
What the hell is he talking about? Let him talk, Aunt Sadie, this is finally getting interesting.
And she was in love with Amy Irving no, no, wait We still having that drink later? My father is reading from - the book of Yentl right now.
I can't do this.
- I'll leave if you just admit that you fired me partly because you're too embarrassed to have a drink with a mere waiter.
You know what? I would totally date a waiter.
But I would date a good one.
Not one who hovers over guests' food like a-a buzzard circling the carcass of a polar bear.
Tell me, where is this dreamy land that has both buzzards and polar bears? Narnia? Oh, shut up.
You know what I mean.
I would never date a snob who wouldn't date a waiter.
Oh.
Well, that would make you a double snob, because you're too snobby to date a snob.
Not a thing.
Totally a thing.
Let me guess.
You see yourself with some brain surgeon who likes to sip fine wine and read the poems of Pablo Neruda.
He sounds great.
Do you have his number? No, but I have yours, and I wouldn't date you either.
Huh.
Reverse snob.
Regular snob.
Waiter.
Ice queen.
Great ass.
Better ass.
You want to make out with me right now, don't you? No.
Shut up Yes.
And Amy Irving was in love with her.
But she was in love with Mandy Patinkin, who one day left the shul and went off to fight terrorism with Claire Danes.
I found Zach.
Am I whispering? No.
I forgot how to whisper.
Aunt Sadie Take it away.
Mazel tov, Noah.
This is about a girl? We're about to lose an account because of a girl? Hey, as a woman, I'm offended.
As a stoned woman, do you remember that show Charles in Charge? Not at all.
I can't breathe.
It wasn't just some woman, Simon.
She was the one.
And she broke his heart.
Oh, Zach, I'm sorry.
She said she didn't love me.
I love you.
What is she, unhinged? Did she escape from an asylum? Or from the Island of Dr.
Moreau? Was she half cheetah? Am I half cheetah? Will someone get her a coffee? One coffee, coming up.
Why wouldn't she love me? Oh, who knows? Sometimes you never find out why something didn't work out.
It just didn't.
Hey, Zach, I'm sorry I pushed you into doing this.
Oh, my God, look at that kid.
He's miserable.
I made this night about me.
I-I It should have been about him.
You know what made me the best bar mitzvah emcee? I never left the kid unhappy.
You know what? Let's make the kid the client.
Let's give him something to remember.
I can fix this.
Follow my lead.
But stay out of my light.
And he's back.
And all that jazz Come on, babe, we're gonna brush the sky I betcha Lucky Lindy never flew so high 'Cause in the stratosphere, how could he lend an ear To all That Jazz? Thank you, Simon.
Oh, please, it's like he was born with backup dancers.
He's got his father's eyes and his father's boyfriend's love of dance.
Oh, there's another clue.
So what happened with Weird Beard? You don't want to know.
Oh, my God.
She has her mother's bladder.
Owen, wait, I-I'm so sorry.
I mean, I know I fired you twice, but I just meant it in a power-mad flirty kind of way.
Listen, don't worry about making me lose the job.
Thank you.
That'll free you up to feel really bad about making me lose my home.
I was actually staying on my manager's couch.
Oh, I feel terrible.
Um Yeah.
Just tell me, what can I do? Do you have a couch? Or an unusually comfortable chair? No, I'm no one's wife, but Oh, I love my life And all That Jazz That jazz! Your son's a man.
He's a fabulous man.
Oh.
Mazel tov.
Zach Cropper's all grown up.
- So, my son's name is Noah.
- We'll get to him.
He sounds so great.
And I just I can't wait to spend the night with him at the bar mitzvah.
The first thing I want to know is - What kind of place is this? - He'll really be a man that night.
"I can't wait to spend the night with your son"? Eh-lo-hey-nu- meh-lech-hello!