The Drew Carey Show (1995) s01e16 Episode Script

[telephone ringing]
Hello?
Hey, you naked?
'Cause I am.
Connors, is that you?
Lisa? I thought
I was calling grandma.
[Lisa laughs]
Hey, Drew, what's going on?
Well, since we missed our
secret conversation
at work today. I thought,
I would make it up to you
over the phone.
Right now,
I'm layin' in the tub
sippin' champagne,
wearin' nothing but bubbles.
Really? You sure you're not
on the couch eating pizza?
No, I told you
I'm in the tub.
[Lisa laughs]
Okay, tub.
Got it. Keep going.
Well, If I was there with you
I would kiss you over
every inch of your body.
Aww,
I'm gonna rub your tummy
till you leg shakes.
Hold on a second,
this pizza is slowing me down.
No, I'm washing the dog.
Keep going.
[phone beeps]
Oh, damn. I got another call.
Can you hold on?
Eh, go ahead and take it,
I got to add the flee shampoo.
Oh, someday I'm gonna be
in that sink.
I'll be right back.
- Hello?
- Hi, Drew. It's Oswald.
I've been talking slow all day.
Ah! Hey, listen Oswald.
Can I call you back?
- I got Lisa on the other line.
- No, It's really important.
- I'll hold.
- Alright.
Okay, now where were we?
I believe I was kissin' my way
straight to your nipples.
And what you're gonna do
when you get there?
Oswald?
Lisa?
- Yeah.
- Oh.
So where were we?
I believe kissin' my way south.
[phone beeps]
Aww, great.
Now I've got another call.
Go-ahead, I'll wait.
- Hello?
- Hi, Lisa, it's Kate.
Hey, Kate, listen.
Drew, is on the other line.
And he's in the mood
for sex talk.
Oh! Well,
that'll only take a minute.
I'm at the Warsaw,
let me put some more
money in the machine.
[coin clinks]
Oh, man.
This is gonna take forever.
Hey, Oswald,
you still there?
Mm-hmm.
Lisa. Okay,
bachelorette number one.
I want you to tell me somethin'
in your sexiest voice.
Hey, baby,
whose your daddy?
Damn, you Oswald.
- Lisa?
- Yeah, it's me.
Hey, listen,
l-let's agree not to take
any more calls, okay,
no matter what.
That's sounds great.
Alright.
Let me tell you
what I'm gonna do to you.
Mr. Carey,
I have a request
for an emergency interrupt
from your mother.
Will you accept?
Oh, man,
if this isn't her
I'm knockin'
on the bathroom door
all over again.
Yeah, operator,
I'll accept.
Drew, it's not your mom
but this is an emergency.
- What is it, Lewis?
- Well, I have to make a bet.
Who do you think is faster,
a midget or a pig?
[theme music]
Moon over Parma
bring my love to me tonight ♪
Guide her to Cleveland
underneath your silvery light ♪
We're goin' bowlin'
so don't lose her in Solon ♪
Moon over Parma tonight ♪♪
[instrumental music]
What's with you guys?
You makin' a Tom Petty video?
[Lisa laughs]
Drew, you've got
to check the big
remodeling sale downstairs.
They're selling
all the old displays
all the fixtures,
for like, nothing.
- This pencil cost me a dollar.
- 'Yeah.'
What you gonna do with it?
A dollar, this pencil.
You know, sometimes I think
they have these remodeling sales
just forsuckers like you.
Hey!
They accepted my bid
on the giant pump.
Why don't you guys
just put it in there
and wheel to the break room?
Oh, man.
The cute one's
are never in your size.
Boy, I'd like to meet
her brother.
Drew, took a message for you.
Your doctor called
about some blood tests.
What?
Turns out,
you really are a pig.
[Mimi laughs]
I hope those rug burns
teach you a lesson, Spanky.
What is it, noon already?
Hey, Mimi, you are wanted
in Jerry's..
Oh, Mr. Bell's office.
Oh, I guess I back in clean up.
So, uh, Suzie, this is..
kind of embarrassing,
I don't know exactly
how to put it but your sweater
is on. Inside out.
Oh, I must have put it on wrong
after I had sex with, Mr. Bell.
So, I guess it won't bother you
that you have underwear
stickin' out of your shoe.
[phone rings]
Yes, Mr. Bell.
(Jerry over phone)
'Carey, I've got
good news for you.'
'You know,
how you've always said'
'you wanted to have
an assistant?'
This isn't like
that time you gave me your keys
to your Porsche and then had
security beat me up, is it, sir?
(Jerry)
'Ha-ha. No, no.'
'And I wasn't meant
to go that far, Carey.'
'Listen, congratulations.
You've got an assistant.'
W-wow!
That's great, Mr. Bell.
You've, you got a heart
as big as a..
Well, you have a heart.
[phone beeps]
Assistant to Mr. Carey. Wow!
Hey, hey, Mimi,
you'll never guess
who's gettin' his own assistant.
I'll give you a hint,
he hates your guts
and it's not
the free sample guy
from Hickory farms.
Oh, whoawhat you doin'?
Bringin' some goodies
for my new assistant, huh?
'That's great, Mimi. Wow!'
A troll starter kit.
That's really sweet of you.
I can't believe
you're goin' through
all this trouble unless,
you're my new assistant.
In which case,
I want to kill myself
with my tape dispenser.
Here's a letter opener.
I'll get a bucket.
No! You can't be
my new assistant.
My new assistant is gonna be
sweet and charming
and say,
"Yes, sir" and "No, sir"..
Yes, SirLunch-a-lot.
Ah, this is stupid,
why is this happenin' to me?
What did I do?
Mr. Bell is making Suzie,
his new assistant.
That's the one position
she hasn't had with him yet.
[instrumental music]
So, how many times
did Mimi kick you?
Uh-oh.
Let's see, I said
get your feet out
from under my side of the desk.
And then.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
I mean it.
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Stop that. Ow, hurts.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
Fifteen.
Uh, ow!
Why would you do that for?
Uh, see.
Now looks like a happy face.
Uh!
Uh, Geez!
God!
Needed a nose.
Hey, why don't you
just fire Mimi?
Oh, I can't. There's no way
Mr. Bell would let me.
You know, Drew,
maybe you're supposed
to learn a life lesson here.
I mean, we have these
two guys are Drug Co.
who hated each other.
They fought for a while
but then they worked out
their differences,
went to a bar to celebrate
got in a fight over a waitress
and one guy killed the other.
We laugh about that
at work a lot.
Has anyone ever survived
the job at Drug Co.?
Sure, there's, uh,
me and Coma Joe.
Oh, I'm dying.
I can't take another step.
Lie down,
I'll make you feel better.
Oh.
Shh.
I saw this on
the Nature Channel.
[laughing]
Jay's back is out,
I'm just massaging him.
There's not gonna
be any sex unless
he coughs up the extra 20 bucks.
Oh I got 20 bucks.
We're short handed
'cause my ex-wife
hired away my best man
for her moving company.
I'm sorry I'm not gonna be able
to move those old display case
out of the store this weekend.
Hey we could help you.
Wait, let's see
what ex-wife pays.
I'll help you too, buddy.
You're sure you can?
What happened to your legs?
Scabies.
Mimi kicked him at work today.
Wow! If she's your assistant,
what does your boss do to you?
Hey, you know you're right.
Yeah, she's workin' for me now.
From now on I'm not takin'
anymore of her crap.
Oh! Come-on, let's go celebrate.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh..
Mimi days of messin'
with me are over.
(Oswald)
'Hey!'
Kick me brand jackets.
I used to wear these
in high school.
Yeah they went real good
with your nimrod hat
and your wedgie jeans.
Kick me. Real clever.
You know, it looks
like "Lick me".
Oh! that explains the trouble
I had on the bus today.
[laughing]
Mr. Carey, I'm Kim Dekker.
I'm here to interview
for the Housewares position.
Oh what a coincidence
I'm here to interview people
for the Housewares position.
T-G-I Fridays,
is now officially opened.
Please have a seat.
You collect troll dolls?
No those belong to my assistant.
I usually put just pictures
of my family on the desk.
Let's see what we have here.
I see you went
to the University of Wisconsin?
He said, lookin' at her chest.
That's right and I made
dean's list all four years.
Oh, very impressive.
I only have one
important question--
Could you ever be
attracted to a fat man?
Okay, that's it.
Would you mind, uh,
waitin' at the lobby
I have somethin' to do right now
and I don't want any witnesses.
Alright, let's get this
straight, Mimi
I'm yourbossnow.
And I expect you to treat me
with a little bit of respect.
How little?
Like when you put on
a little eye shadow.
And you know all this stuff
it's just like
it's just very unprofessional.
Don't touch the troll.
Ha-ha, is that what your mom
used to say to your dates?
Put the trolls down or I'll put
staple right between your eyes.
You don't have the guts.
Try me.
Put the trolls down.
- Fine.
- Oh!
[glass shattering]
[phone ringing]
- Mimi did it.
- Joe did it.
(Mr. Bell)
'Shut up!'
'You two have been fighting
since the moment you met.'
'Well, it's gone too far.'
'You're both suspended
for the rest of the week.'
'If this continues
when you get back'
'one of you wont be stayin'.'
Yeah but Mr. Bell,
you just don't understand, she..
[phone beeps]
I hope you're happy.
I haven't been suspended
since high school.
And just keep away from me
because I know
15 different ways to kill a man.
Doesn't that violates
some sort of clown college rule?
[knocking on the door]
Coming!
Who is it?
(Jay)
'Triple A Action Moving,
we got your'
'delivery from Winfred-Louder.'
How do I know
you're not some creep
that just wants to get
into my apartment?
(Jay)
'Because if I was a creep
I'd just do this.'
Alright.
Alright.
But I'm warning you if you touch
any of my stuff, you're dead.
Touch it? I can't even
stop it from spinning.
(Mimi)
'Bring it in the bedroom.'
- Wow!
- Wow!
You know when you go
to yard sale and you wonder
who buys all that crap.
Excuse me but there's a little
bit of subtlety over there
you might wanna get rid of that.
You! What the hell are
you doin' here? Get out!
Look, I'm sorry but when I found
out my friend was gonna be
makin' the delivery here I had
to come over and talk to you.
Wow, my eyes won't focus.
Uh, while you two talk let us
just put this in the bedroom.
Behind the beads
and past the wigs
and don't touch my
life-size Antonio Banderas.
Look, I tried bein' your boss,
that didn't work.
I can't fire you and you know
I'm not goin' anywhere either.
So would you consider joinin' me
on sensitivity training?
Bite me, doughboy.
Helped a lot of people
of my company.
Bite me, stick boy.
(Jay)
'It sprayed me!
Antonio sprayed me!'
'He's not that bad, man,
it's not that bad!'
I told him not to touch Antonio.
Stay here and don't touch
anything.
Drew, let's give it up
and wait downstairs.
I don't wanna get sprayed, man.
What's the matter with her?
Why wouldn't she even
try to work this out?
How could someone
hate me so much?
I don't know.
What do you think
is in the cupboard?
I don't know. Why?
Because if this is the stuff
she keeps out here
what do you think she hides?
Oh, my God!
What is it?
- Well, it's you.
- What're you talking about?
Pictures of you.
Hundreds of pictures of you.
Oh, my God!
Look, it's me
at the company picnic.
Here's me at Christmas,
here's me at the office..
These are all
just pictures of me.
Mate, some
damn good pictures of me.
Drew, not this one
at the water park.
- Hmm.
- This is scary, man.
[rumbling]
Huh, I think she's coming.
Put everything back.
Let's just go
wait out in the truck.
- Don't you wanna talk to her?
- Yeah, not anymore.
[instrumental music]
You know, I've been meaning
to get my hands
on one of these big boys
for quite a while.
- Like the way it handles?
- Huh, who cares?
Hey, you saw the sign buddy.
How am I drivin'?
I wanna know now.
[car horn honking]
Can't wait
till I make a wide turn.
It's like a license to kill.
Why did you get
outta there so fast, Drew?
What'd you do if you find out
that Mimi Bobeck
had an entire cabinet filled
with snapshots of you?
I knew a girl
who collected pictures of me
but that was because..
Oh, my God..
She's in love with you?
Not so loud.
Who's ever in control of irony,
could be listening.
Drew, you have to admit it
to yourself.
I know, I know.
She'sin love with me.
But how is it possible?
Now, you know
what they say, Drew
there's a fine line
between love and hate.
Who's "they", all the tiny
jackasses inside your head?
You know,
this whole thing is crazy.
It doesn't make any sense.
Why not?
Because.. Oh God,
please give me somethin'.
Okay, here's why not.
Because she's always
trying to get me fired.
And then, I'll be
out of her life forever.
Or you'd be
on the skids and vulnerable.
Ah!
I'm so sorry, Drew.
Let me lend you a few bucks.
Here, put your head
on my shoulder.
- That's not your shoulder.
- Who cares?
Take me now,
my portly stallion.
Take me! Take me!
[honking]
[instrumental music]
You know, I still don't know
what I'm gonna say to Mimi.
You know, Drew, you're probably
making too much of this.
Mimi's a reasonable person.
I mean, after all,
she is a woman.
- Oh. yeah. Here we go.
- What?
It's a well known fact
that if women ran the world
there'd be no wars.
Yeah, I'm sure no one
would start a fight
for no reason
if women ran the world.
- Right.
- Hi. This is England.
How come I'm being invaded?
Oh, I think you know why.
Ow! What was that for?
Oh, I think you know why.
Oh, well. Suzie's here.
It's just one problem
I know how to solve.
Suzie. How you doin'?
So, Mr. Bells really got you
backed up here, huh?
Look, another one
of those things in your inbox.
Well, these are just the
assembling instructions
for the inbox.
There you go.
Thanks.
Yeah. That's the trouble
with these desk jobs.
You're just sittin' down
all day.
There's always somethin' to do.
That, and well, you know just..
Oh, my God, I'm not.
Oh, that's not really
for me to say..
Holly cow!
It is bigger.
I hate this job.
You know, and I'm afraid
I'm gonna add to it.
I need you to post this opening.
It's for a new buyer
in Jewelry.
We had to fire
the other one 'cause
it's just so easy
to steal from there.
[door closes]
[clears throat]
Mimi.
Yeah?
Well, you know, we..
You know, we kinda got
interrupted yesterday
andI don't know how to put
this exactly.
It's, it's kinda delicate.
- Oh?
- Yeah.
You know, uh, sometimes when
people act as though
they hate each other,
but one of these people
may be having feelings
that are the opposite
of what they're saying.
- Really?
- Yes.
And to protect those real
feelings, or maybe they
fear rejection,
or may be it's just
a totally screwed up individual.
Just a guess.
Uhthey act towards
the other person with a lot
of you know, hostility.
Uh-huh.
What are you talking about?
Mimi, you have a cupboard
full of my pictures.
- No, I don't.
- I saw it.
Well, it's just
a little cupboard.
Little? It's like
a museum of me in there.
It's like the Dre-oove.
So, what's the big deal?
What's the big deal?
You're in love with me!
There, you said it!
In love with you? I'll show you,
who's gonna love you.
I've been sending those pictures
to lonely male prisoners
along with this letter.
"I hope you come see me
when you get out."
Your first date
should be in about six months.
Three, with good behavior.
[stammering]
H-how m-many of these
did you just send out?
None.
I realized it got out of hand,
when Mr. Bell almost fired us.
Yeah, no kidding.
What are we
gonna do about this?
Oh, this?
I already took care of this.
Three, two..
[phone ringing]
Yes, Mr. Bell.
'Is Mimi there?'
Yes, sir. I'm right here.
'Mimi, listen, I need you back
in my desk immediately.'
'Suzie's going to be moving
to a different position.'
I bet it's still under Mr. Bell.
I'll be right there, sir.
'Oh, and Carey I'm sorry
about this. I know I'm pulling'
'rank on a very arbitrary
and haphazard manner'
'but you really have no choice.'
[phone beeps]
You, you are really good.
Where's Suzie goin'?
She's a new buyer in Jewelry.
And you didn't even consider me?
Wha-oh, wow, the job
would have been perfect for you.
Oh, it would have been,
better pay, shorter hours
you would have got
to travel a lot
it would have been your dream
job. Bite me, dough girl!
I guess I deserve that.
Oh, I alphabetized
your recent hirees
and rescheduled your appointment
so could take a lunch break.
Wow! You mean I'm all caught up?
Yeah. If you wanna review
the disks they are
in the top left hand drawer.
Oh.
Gee, I don't know what to say.
Thanks, Mimi.
My pleasure.
[laughing]
Good one.
Yeah, hi,
can you get me the address
for the Cuyahoga County
Woman's Correctional Center?
Alright, let's get down
to business.
An authentic pair of
Antonia Bandera's boxer shorts.
Worn but not washed.
[exhaling]
Wait a minute. If they are
authentic how did you get them?
Oh, you want to know my source.
Two words, bite me.
They're the right size.
Of course.
What will you give me for them?
Wait a minute.
Poly cotton blend?
If you read through
Antonia Banderas fan literature
you'd know he only wears
a 100% cotton.
Uh, they're
from a movie wardrobe.
Yeah, right, Get out. Take your
skeevy underwear with you.
'You'll pay for this.'
Uh, Danny Bonaduce?
'Out!'