The Great Indoors (2016) s01e16 Episode Script
Aaron Wolf
1 Most people who eat Komodo dragons throw away the testicles.
I guess those people hate electrolytes.
[crunch.]
Aaron Wolf, seriously? The guy's such a fake.
Sure, he's a bit over the top, but Aaron Wolf's a legit badass.
Yeah, last week he slept inside an elephant's uterus.
Ooh, what I wouldn't give to be that elephant.
I hate Aaron Wolf.
These fake survival shows are ruining it for hardcore adventurers like us.
You won't find testes like these in your mama's pantry.
Unless, of course, she's a member of the Aaron Wolf Extreme Meat of the Month Club.
Oh, this guy is such an embarrassment.
I guarantee I could stuff way more testicles in my mouth.
Didn't you used to work with Aaron? Yeah, we started here at Outdoor Limits together.
In fact, I was one of the first people in the world to not respect his work.
Sounds like you're just jealous he got out while you're still working here in your late 50s.
How old do you think I am? Aw, he's already going deaf.
[loudly.]
: I said late 50s.
Shut up, shut up.
His shirt's coming off.
Eh, looks like I dribbled a little bit of dragon seed on my shirt.
I guess I'll have to forage for a new one over at my Web site "WheresWolfTV.
biz/store/apparel/tops" [baying like a wolf.]
Oh, this guy uses any excuse to take off his shirt.
Not true, he always has a legit reason.
ANNOUNCER: Next time on Where's Wolf? I'm sure K-pop superstar Tae-Twon Park would agree that's some fresh salmon.
[both howling.]
Jack, we're watching it.
I don't know who I'm more disappointed in, you guys or Tae-Twon Park.
Jack, I'm sorry to butt in.
You couldn't come to my office, could you? I seem to have misplaced a rare South-Asian gem.
A sapphire possibly from Bombay.
Ah, gin, how quickly you turn a mother's hug into a vicious slap.
It's like some evil scientist said, "I'll invent a liquid to ruin every Thanksgiving.
" Now, Jack, you know I value your opinion above anyone else's.
Now, I'm considering asking Aaron Wolf to come in and guest-edit the magazine for a week.
What do you think? Terrible idea.
Hard pass.
Ah, yes.
Mm.
Awkward.
You see, heh, I wanted you to feel important, so I only pretended to seek your input.
Aaron Wolf is coming to guest-edit the magazine this week.
No, you can't do that.
I finally have the kids writing the best stories of their lives.
One week with Aaron, and they'll be back to churning out articles like "Bears Ain't That Bad, Yo.
" It's true, though, isn't it? They ain't.
Oh, come on, you two used to be friends.
You teamed up on some of our best pieces, and, if I recall, one of our hottest copywriters.
Well, that was before he sold out.
He doesn't care about the outdoors.
All he cares about is his Aaron Wolf brand.
You taught me this magazine is about integrity and substance, and day-drinking.
That's why it's your responsibility to make sure that Aaron upholds the standards of the magazine.
But I respect you, Jack, and if you really are against this idea, I'll call it off.
Great, call it off.
[howling in next room.]
He's already here, isn't he? Why can't you just agree and feel important? You know, Brooke, I remember when you were just an intern here.
But I've got to say, you have blossomed into one righteous slam piece.
Me? I don't know about "slam piece.
" [gasps.]
: Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No paper towels, amigo.
We've got to take care of this righteous chica we call Mother Earth.
Allow me.
[eagle screeches.]
[phone ringing.]
And that was when I realized, I didn't have to outrun the bear, I just had to outrun celebrity chef Mario Batali.
[laughter.]
Ugh, this guy hasn't changed a bit.
Yeah, he's such a poser.
I hope he dies in a fiery boat accident.
Whoa, dude.
Look, the guy's a clown, but he has a daughter.
I hope he gets a back rub that's so good it only leaves him wanting more.
That's not far enough.
I hope he gets his on the head and forgets the names of everyone he loves? There you go.
Ugh, I couldn't live with myself if I was that much of a phony.
Hey, buddy.
Jack Gordon.
- Aaron Lipniky.
- Yeah.
Jack knows me by my birth name, before I was renamed by the Choctaw Nation.
Yeah, we all had fun at that casino opening.
Hey, there's that grip that free-climbed El Capitan.
And there's that hand that once got stuck inside a water buffalo.
Ooh, that is one lucky water buffalo.
Man, it's great to be here.
This place made me who I am.
[snickers.]
: What floor are we manufacturing douche nozzles on? I'm sorry, what? - I said what floor do we - Clark, Clark Your reflux, your reflux.
Look, as managing editor, I should probably walk you through some of the ideas - that we're working on.
- Great.
First things first.
Let's all do this at Eddie's, all right? My publicist scored a same-day rez.
Howl if you're with me.
[howling.]
He's already got Emma and Mason howling.
That's what I was worried about.
You say the word, I will bring back his trachea.
You've really got to work on your levels.
EDDIE: Buddy, welcome back.
Congrats on your show.
The way you roasted termite larvae with the Massai warriors inspired me to rethink my whole menu.
Asante-sana, Eddie.
And thanks for squeezing us in.
So let me tell you guys how badass your boss is.
Tell 'em about the time the two of you went glacier trekking in the Himalayas.
Yeah, good idea.
They've heard it before, but not from the actual guy that got stuck in the ice crevasse.
I used to be clinically obese.
So ten years ago, a TV producer came in and asked Jack if he wanted to host his own adventure show.
Well, when Mr.
Integrity here turned it down, guess who they offered it to next? That's right, Seth Green.
And then when he turned it down, that's when they asked me to do it.
And, trust me, I have no problem feasting on Jack's sloppy seconds.
Oh, my.
Guys, obviously, Jack made the right choice.
He's making a real difference in the world.
So what if he's sleeping in the second-best bedroom above a filthy bar with his roommate who's constantly heating canned tuna? Well, now I regret my life.
Aaron, look, I'm sure you're late for some celebrity appearance at a boat show Oh, crap, you're right.
So why don't we fill you in on some of the pieces we're working on this week? Okay, all right, so what we want are some hot, sexy ideas that our sponsors can really get behind.
Okay, howl at me.
Okay, well, there's a caribou migration in the Yukon it's supposed to be epic.
Good one, Mason.
Maybe a conservationist angle.
Shh, shh-shh.
Uh, all right, let me see if I can get into this.
[softly.]
: Hey, how you doing? [smooches.]
Mm, no, I don't want to have sex with that idea.
I'm sorry.
Who's next? Uh, there's a fisherman in Brazil who survived 30 days lost in the Amazon.
Okay, okay, hold on.
[softly.]
: Hey, again.
[chuckles, smooches.]
You know what, soft as a hacky sack.
Okay, Aaron, these are good ideas that you are having air sex with.
I have worked hard to get these kids to write articles with real substance.
Oh, man, that's why you're always gonna be a better writer than me, you know? Okay, look, so tomorrow, we're all gonna reconvene on Mason's Yukon idea, okay? And I promise that I'm personally gonna turn it into a respectable, sophisticated idea that we all want to bend over a car.
[elevator bell chimes.]
Hey, Esther, how you doing? I had that dream again where I'm a weird receptionist at an outdoor magazine.
And then what happened? Oh, thank God you're here.
Look what this greasy Disney villain did to our Web site.
[wolf howls.]
Oh, it looks like a Hong Kong street corner.
I read you loud and clear, guys.
That's why I sent Emma and Mason up to the Yukon to report on that caribou story.
- Wow.
Really? - MASON [on screen.]
: We're here in the actual Yukon.
EMMA: Which would be freezing if I wasn't wearing these Aaron Wolf all-weather yoga pants.
That's a green screen.
Or there are two Esthers in the world.
Either way, it's a waking nightmare.
Aaron is a disaster.
First, he paid for everyone's lunch, which sets a terrible precedent.
And now he's infecting everyone with his low standards.
[laughs.]
Oh, this is like old times Jack complaining about Aaron.
Do you remember that time you stormed in because he wanted to add a centerfold to the magazine? I don't even know where he found that photo, but an Amelia Earhart nip-slip was in poor taste.
Well, Jack, if you're worried about Aaron leading these kids astray, then you need to remind them what the magazine stands for.
How am I supposed to do that? Well, are you familiar with the legend of how the British dealt with the cobra problem in colonial India? - No.
- It's fascinating.
And I'm halfway through this book all about it.
So why don't you sort out your own problems for a change, hmm? Hey, Jack in the Box! Arr, arr, arr.
So the green screen is free for you to do your "Wolf It Down" segment on how to find food in the forest.
- Sponsored by - Jack in the Box! Guys, we are not about faking stuff.
It's called Outdoor Limits because we actually inspire people to go outside.
And Outside Magazine was already taken.
Look, hey, guys, if you want maximum eyeballs, - sometimes we fake things.
- Not here.
Look, I'll do your survival segment, but our way No faking, no gimmicks, because the real outdoors is more inspirational than anything shot on a green screen.
Except for Space Jam, hands down the best basketball cartoon movie of all time.
Hmm.
Man.
I really love your passion.
Reminds me of a story.
The year was 2007.
Rob Schneider and I, were hiking.
We were halfway up Mount What up, Internet? I'm streaming live from the Penokee mountains with legendary outdoor reporter And my work wife Jack Gordon.
As you can see, it's taking a while because of these wet conditions, but we have seen some amazing wildlife out here.
Like a brown squirrel, a grey squirrel and a third squirrel who was moving too fast for me to tell exactly what color it was.
Wow, wow, wow! That is intense! Ho, ho! I got to hit pause before my phone explodes! Bee-oop! Hey, Jack.
We all know Aaron's a basic B, bordering a C, but, uh, when he does his "Wolf It Down" segments, there's a little more action.
More action? You crazy? This is primal.
Man versus wet stick.
Listen, I could watch you rub your wet stick all night long.
Wow.
I don't even hear those anymore.
But it's just that we promised our viewers a bug feast, and after four hours, the only people still watching are my mom and some guy from Texas who keeps demanding to see our bare feet.
Look, it's the authenticity that's gonna make people excited about all this.
Cool, cool.
Cool, cool.
You want to maybe take your shirt off? No! No.
If you don't want to wait for the fire, then just eat the bugs raw.
[exhales.]
What up, Mom and GimmeDemFeet72? Watch out, because C-dawg's gonna get to the bottom of this.
Oh, boy [groaning.]
[crunches.]
[muffled.]
: Oh! Oh, there's so much movement.
It's like putting a subway station in my mouth.
That's how you make a real fire in the wild.
Gradually.
[retching.]
Hey, Wolf Cubs, how's the Q&A coming? Mason? Why no-typey? These fifth graders in Canada want to know how I'm liking the Yukon, but I'm obviously not there.
Can't lie to a bunch of kids.
Mason, Mason, Mason.
Kids are the easiest ones to lie to.
And in public school? In Canada? It's just that we can't get Jack's stupid voice out of our heads: "Write with purpose," "Beyoncé's not a source.
" It's so annoying.
I definitely know that voice: "Do your research," "You take the mom, I'll take the daughter.
" Look, I understand what you guys are saying.
But munch on this.
Your jazzed-up Yukon story is getting international buzz.
The guy rubbing sticks together? Two followers.
CLARK [wheezing.]
: And we're back, live.
The bug buffet didn't really work out, so Jack set up a trap to show us how to catch game.
The key to catching game? Be deadly silent and don't bring a wheezing asthmatic.
CLARK: Clearly, we're both "hangry.
" Luckily, this forest boasts a cornucopia of delicious fruits.
You didn't eat those little red berries, did you? They're poisonous.
CLARK: No.
Clark, we got something! Remember, no matter the size, even a trapped animal can be dangerous.
CLARK: Oh, look, a rabbit! JACK: It's not a rabbit.
CLARK: Jack, this isn't my first time in the forest.
It's my second.
So why Ow! God! It's not a rabbit, Jack, it's a pussum.
Do you mean "possum"? Yeah, exactly.
A pussum.
You're pronouncing it wrong.
It's possum.
Oh, that pussum got me good.
Clark, do you think there's a chance that you're pronouncing it wrong? Yeah, I mean, sure.
Anything is pussible.
Okay, look, this is not staged.
There's no emergency crew standing by.
It's real Are you bleeding out of the mouth? No.
I ate the berries.
Oh, God.
Okay, I need something to make a tourniquet for your wound, so I can focus on figuring out how to pump your stomach.
Damn it.
Hit record, Mom.
[sighs.]
What up, work puss-e? He means work posse.
Well, we did it our way, and while we weren't as successful as we had hoped Any more to that thought, Jack? You'd think so.
But no.
It was pretty bad, wasn't it? On the contrary, Jack.
Aaron here says he has some news.
Yeah.
Uh, my producers saw your live Internet feed, and turns out they like what you did so much they want to talk potential TV series.
See? Look, I'm not gonna do a reality show, but I am happy to prove that there is still an audience for a real outdoor experience without any gimmicks.
No matter what Pearl Jam Professor Snape tried to tell us.
Right.
Right.
Let's take a look at the trailer they put together.
NARRATOR: In a world where adventurers are kings, the four-eyed man is blind.
This fall, on Nat Geo I just got bit by the pussum.
One question will be asked.
Will he die this week? Yeah, sure.
I mean, anything is pussible.
NARRATOR: Very pussible! What kind of a simple-minded fool would enjoy that? Oh, my God, that show looks hilarious! But Clark, you do know it's pronounced "possum," right? Exactly.
Pussum.
Are you guys pranking me? - Say awesome.
- Awesome.
Now put a "P" in front of it.
Pawesome.
Now say "possum.
" Pussum.
Hey, Jack.
Look.
You know I respect the schnizz out of your principles.
But I'm not gonna let you make the same mistake you made ten years ago.
Look, I'm never gonna do that show.
It's an abomination.
I am just glad that Emma and Mason weren't here to see this.
Oh, they saw it, and they went crazy about it.
I've never seen them so fired up.
Well, other than that time I pointed out what a pay phone looks like, I have officially taught them nothing.
Yeah.
And with your new show, you can teach millions more the same thing.
So what do you say, Jack? When are you gonna get it through that dirty janitor's mop that Jack Gordon will never sell out? I'm gonna do the show.
Until right now.
Bam, Jack, what is happening? If I can't even get Emma and Mason to like the outdoors, let alone the rest of the world, why not just abandon my ideals and get rich? Bro.
That's my motto.
BROOKE: You're doing the show? What about authenticity? Authenticity? Check out the two reporters "broadcasting" from the same room Esther felt me up in at the Christmas party.
Jack, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times.
I was just trying to touch your penis.
Well, at least they've gotten more convincing at shivering.
Jack, I think they might actually be in the Yukon.
Nah, if they were, they'd be complaining it's cold as balls.
And it's cold as balls! MASON: But to answer your question, we felt really bad misleading our viewers.
That's not what Outdoor Limits is about.
Right.
Our magazine is about substance, integrity and day-drinking.
MASON: Three things we've learned from our deeply committed maniac of a boss, Jack Gordon.
The caribou are so beautiful, I can't even.
Yeah.
Guys, you have to come up here.
It is so bleak.
We found a frozen corpse still locked upright in his cross-country skis.
But when you do come up here, do not wear these yoga pants, because they're trash.
Garbage.
Need some more of this stuff.
Oh, my God.
I have had an impact on them.
They've learned journalistic integrity.
And as a bonus, they're miserable.
Aaron, I'm sorry.
I can't do the show.
Even though you reach a lot more people, the work we're doing here is important.
Wow.
I want to get your integrity pregnant.
- Oh, my.
- You are engaged.
Yeah, but I'm not married.
You sure about this? Yeah, he's sure about it, bro.
You know what, I don't care if you do have a daughter.
It is clobbering time.
JACK: Aaron, it was good to see you again.
It was, wasn't it? You know, I know we have our differences, but in a way, it's cool that we found a path for each of us.
[grunts.]
The Choctaw Nation was right about you.
You're okay.
It's time to go to sleep, guy.
The Sandman is here.
Can we make plans? Oh, absolutely.
I'll text you.
Come here.
All right, I'm gonna go grab an apple for the road.
[straining.]
[howls.]
I know what you did, you sly son of a bitch.
What We were at war.
I-I was following orders.
Wait, hang on.
What, what's this in reference to? Hiding behind your book the entire time Aaron Wolf was here.
Well, I read your little story about the cobras in India.
And when the British interfered, they only made it worse.
And so the lesson was, sometimes, the best way to solve a problem is to leave it alone.
And that's exactly what you did, didn't you? Yes, that s-sounds exactly like what I did.
Mm.
Damn, I'm good.
Yeah.
You walk around here acting all drunk, but every move is a part of your master plan.
You're absolutely right, Jack.
Now I want you to go across the street, get me a mocha Frappuccino and know, the whole time, that it's all part of an important, hidden lesson.
[laughs.]
[whispering.]
: I'm gonna figure it out.
[exhales sharply, giggles.]
I guess those people hate electrolytes.
[crunch.]
Aaron Wolf, seriously? The guy's such a fake.
Sure, he's a bit over the top, but Aaron Wolf's a legit badass.
Yeah, last week he slept inside an elephant's uterus.
Ooh, what I wouldn't give to be that elephant.
I hate Aaron Wolf.
These fake survival shows are ruining it for hardcore adventurers like us.
You won't find testes like these in your mama's pantry.
Unless, of course, she's a member of the Aaron Wolf Extreme Meat of the Month Club.
Oh, this guy is such an embarrassment.
I guarantee I could stuff way more testicles in my mouth.
Didn't you used to work with Aaron? Yeah, we started here at Outdoor Limits together.
In fact, I was one of the first people in the world to not respect his work.
Sounds like you're just jealous he got out while you're still working here in your late 50s.
How old do you think I am? Aw, he's already going deaf.
[loudly.]
: I said late 50s.
Shut up, shut up.
His shirt's coming off.
Eh, looks like I dribbled a little bit of dragon seed on my shirt.
I guess I'll have to forage for a new one over at my Web site "WheresWolfTV.
biz/store/apparel/tops" [baying like a wolf.]
Oh, this guy uses any excuse to take off his shirt.
Not true, he always has a legit reason.
ANNOUNCER: Next time on Where's Wolf? I'm sure K-pop superstar Tae-Twon Park would agree that's some fresh salmon.
[both howling.]
Jack, we're watching it.
I don't know who I'm more disappointed in, you guys or Tae-Twon Park.
Jack, I'm sorry to butt in.
You couldn't come to my office, could you? I seem to have misplaced a rare South-Asian gem.
A sapphire possibly from Bombay.
Ah, gin, how quickly you turn a mother's hug into a vicious slap.
It's like some evil scientist said, "I'll invent a liquid to ruin every Thanksgiving.
" Now, Jack, you know I value your opinion above anyone else's.
Now, I'm considering asking Aaron Wolf to come in and guest-edit the magazine for a week.
What do you think? Terrible idea.
Hard pass.
Ah, yes.
Mm.
Awkward.
You see, heh, I wanted you to feel important, so I only pretended to seek your input.
Aaron Wolf is coming to guest-edit the magazine this week.
No, you can't do that.
I finally have the kids writing the best stories of their lives.
One week with Aaron, and they'll be back to churning out articles like "Bears Ain't That Bad, Yo.
" It's true, though, isn't it? They ain't.
Oh, come on, you two used to be friends.
You teamed up on some of our best pieces, and, if I recall, one of our hottest copywriters.
Well, that was before he sold out.
He doesn't care about the outdoors.
All he cares about is his Aaron Wolf brand.
You taught me this magazine is about integrity and substance, and day-drinking.
That's why it's your responsibility to make sure that Aaron upholds the standards of the magazine.
But I respect you, Jack, and if you really are against this idea, I'll call it off.
Great, call it off.
[howling in next room.]
He's already here, isn't he? Why can't you just agree and feel important? You know, Brooke, I remember when you were just an intern here.
But I've got to say, you have blossomed into one righteous slam piece.
Me? I don't know about "slam piece.
" [gasps.]
: Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No paper towels, amigo.
We've got to take care of this righteous chica we call Mother Earth.
Allow me.
[eagle screeches.]
[phone ringing.]
And that was when I realized, I didn't have to outrun the bear, I just had to outrun celebrity chef Mario Batali.
[laughter.]
Ugh, this guy hasn't changed a bit.
Yeah, he's such a poser.
I hope he dies in a fiery boat accident.
Whoa, dude.
Look, the guy's a clown, but he has a daughter.
I hope he gets a back rub that's so good it only leaves him wanting more.
That's not far enough.
I hope he gets his on the head and forgets the names of everyone he loves? There you go.
Ugh, I couldn't live with myself if I was that much of a phony.
Hey, buddy.
Jack Gordon.
- Aaron Lipniky.
- Yeah.
Jack knows me by my birth name, before I was renamed by the Choctaw Nation.
Yeah, we all had fun at that casino opening.
Hey, there's that grip that free-climbed El Capitan.
And there's that hand that once got stuck inside a water buffalo.
Ooh, that is one lucky water buffalo.
Man, it's great to be here.
This place made me who I am.
[snickers.]
: What floor are we manufacturing douche nozzles on? I'm sorry, what? - I said what floor do we - Clark, Clark Your reflux, your reflux.
Look, as managing editor, I should probably walk you through some of the ideas - that we're working on.
- Great.
First things first.
Let's all do this at Eddie's, all right? My publicist scored a same-day rez.
Howl if you're with me.
[howling.]
He's already got Emma and Mason howling.
That's what I was worried about.
You say the word, I will bring back his trachea.
You've really got to work on your levels.
EDDIE: Buddy, welcome back.
Congrats on your show.
The way you roasted termite larvae with the Massai warriors inspired me to rethink my whole menu.
Asante-sana, Eddie.
And thanks for squeezing us in.
So let me tell you guys how badass your boss is.
Tell 'em about the time the two of you went glacier trekking in the Himalayas.
Yeah, good idea.
They've heard it before, but not from the actual guy that got stuck in the ice crevasse.
I used to be clinically obese.
So ten years ago, a TV producer came in and asked Jack if he wanted to host his own adventure show.
Well, when Mr.
Integrity here turned it down, guess who they offered it to next? That's right, Seth Green.
And then when he turned it down, that's when they asked me to do it.
And, trust me, I have no problem feasting on Jack's sloppy seconds.
Oh, my.
Guys, obviously, Jack made the right choice.
He's making a real difference in the world.
So what if he's sleeping in the second-best bedroom above a filthy bar with his roommate who's constantly heating canned tuna? Well, now I regret my life.
Aaron, look, I'm sure you're late for some celebrity appearance at a boat show Oh, crap, you're right.
So why don't we fill you in on some of the pieces we're working on this week? Okay, all right, so what we want are some hot, sexy ideas that our sponsors can really get behind.
Okay, howl at me.
Okay, well, there's a caribou migration in the Yukon it's supposed to be epic.
Good one, Mason.
Maybe a conservationist angle.
Shh, shh-shh.
Uh, all right, let me see if I can get into this.
[softly.]
: Hey, how you doing? [smooches.]
Mm, no, I don't want to have sex with that idea.
I'm sorry.
Who's next? Uh, there's a fisherman in Brazil who survived 30 days lost in the Amazon.
Okay, okay, hold on.
[softly.]
: Hey, again.
[chuckles, smooches.]
You know what, soft as a hacky sack.
Okay, Aaron, these are good ideas that you are having air sex with.
I have worked hard to get these kids to write articles with real substance.
Oh, man, that's why you're always gonna be a better writer than me, you know? Okay, look, so tomorrow, we're all gonna reconvene on Mason's Yukon idea, okay? And I promise that I'm personally gonna turn it into a respectable, sophisticated idea that we all want to bend over a car.
[elevator bell chimes.]
Hey, Esther, how you doing? I had that dream again where I'm a weird receptionist at an outdoor magazine.
And then what happened? Oh, thank God you're here.
Look what this greasy Disney villain did to our Web site.
[wolf howls.]
Oh, it looks like a Hong Kong street corner.
I read you loud and clear, guys.
That's why I sent Emma and Mason up to the Yukon to report on that caribou story.
- Wow.
Really? - MASON [on screen.]
: We're here in the actual Yukon.
EMMA: Which would be freezing if I wasn't wearing these Aaron Wolf all-weather yoga pants.
That's a green screen.
Or there are two Esthers in the world.
Either way, it's a waking nightmare.
Aaron is a disaster.
First, he paid for everyone's lunch, which sets a terrible precedent.
And now he's infecting everyone with his low standards.
[laughs.]
Oh, this is like old times Jack complaining about Aaron.
Do you remember that time you stormed in because he wanted to add a centerfold to the magazine? I don't even know where he found that photo, but an Amelia Earhart nip-slip was in poor taste.
Well, Jack, if you're worried about Aaron leading these kids astray, then you need to remind them what the magazine stands for.
How am I supposed to do that? Well, are you familiar with the legend of how the British dealt with the cobra problem in colonial India? - No.
- It's fascinating.
And I'm halfway through this book all about it.
So why don't you sort out your own problems for a change, hmm? Hey, Jack in the Box! Arr, arr, arr.
So the green screen is free for you to do your "Wolf It Down" segment on how to find food in the forest.
- Sponsored by - Jack in the Box! Guys, we are not about faking stuff.
It's called Outdoor Limits because we actually inspire people to go outside.
And Outside Magazine was already taken.
Look, hey, guys, if you want maximum eyeballs, - sometimes we fake things.
- Not here.
Look, I'll do your survival segment, but our way No faking, no gimmicks, because the real outdoors is more inspirational than anything shot on a green screen.
Except for Space Jam, hands down the best basketball cartoon movie of all time.
Hmm.
Man.
I really love your passion.
Reminds me of a story.
The year was 2007.
Rob Schneider and I, were hiking.
We were halfway up Mount What up, Internet? I'm streaming live from the Penokee mountains with legendary outdoor reporter And my work wife Jack Gordon.
As you can see, it's taking a while because of these wet conditions, but we have seen some amazing wildlife out here.
Like a brown squirrel, a grey squirrel and a third squirrel who was moving too fast for me to tell exactly what color it was.
Wow, wow, wow! That is intense! Ho, ho! I got to hit pause before my phone explodes! Bee-oop! Hey, Jack.
We all know Aaron's a basic B, bordering a C, but, uh, when he does his "Wolf It Down" segments, there's a little more action.
More action? You crazy? This is primal.
Man versus wet stick.
Listen, I could watch you rub your wet stick all night long.
Wow.
I don't even hear those anymore.
But it's just that we promised our viewers a bug feast, and after four hours, the only people still watching are my mom and some guy from Texas who keeps demanding to see our bare feet.
Look, it's the authenticity that's gonna make people excited about all this.
Cool, cool.
Cool, cool.
You want to maybe take your shirt off? No! No.
If you don't want to wait for the fire, then just eat the bugs raw.
[exhales.]
What up, Mom and GimmeDemFeet72? Watch out, because C-dawg's gonna get to the bottom of this.
Oh, boy [groaning.]
[crunches.]
[muffled.]
: Oh! Oh, there's so much movement.
It's like putting a subway station in my mouth.
That's how you make a real fire in the wild.
Gradually.
[retching.]
Hey, Wolf Cubs, how's the Q&A coming? Mason? Why no-typey? These fifth graders in Canada want to know how I'm liking the Yukon, but I'm obviously not there.
Can't lie to a bunch of kids.
Mason, Mason, Mason.
Kids are the easiest ones to lie to.
And in public school? In Canada? It's just that we can't get Jack's stupid voice out of our heads: "Write with purpose," "Beyoncé's not a source.
" It's so annoying.
I definitely know that voice: "Do your research," "You take the mom, I'll take the daughter.
" Look, I understand what you guys are saying.
But munch on this.
Your jazzed-up Yukon story is getting international buzz.
The guy rubbing sticks together? Two followers.
CLARK [wheezing.]
: And we're back, live.
The bug buffet didn't really work out, so Jack set up a trap to show us how to catch game.
The key to catching game? Be deadly silent and don't bring a wheezing asthmatic.
CLARK: Clearly, we're both "hangry.
" Luckily, this forest boasts a cornucopia of delicious fruits.
You didn't eat those little red berries, did you? They're poisonous.
CLARK: No.
Clark, we got something! Remember, no matter the size, even a trapped animal can be dangerous.
CLARK: Oh, look, a rabbit! JACK: It's not a rabbit.
CLARK: Jack, this isn't my first time in the forest.
It's my second.
So why Ow! God! It's not a rabbit, Jack, it's a pussum.
Do you mean "possum"? Yeah, exactly.
A pussum.
You're pronouncing it wrong.
It's possum.
Oh, that pussum got me good.
Clark, do you think there's a chance that you're pronouncing it wrong? Yeah, I mean, sure.
Anything is pussible.
Okay, look, this is not staged.
There's no emergency crew standing by.
It's real Are you bleeding out of the mouth? No.
I ate the berries.
Oh, God.
Okay, I need something to make a tourniquet for your wound, so I can focus on figuring out how to pump your stomach.
Damn it.
Hit record, Mom.
[sighs.]
What up, work puss-e? He means work posse.
Well, we did it our way, and while we weren't as successful as we had hoped Any more to that thought, Jack? You'd think so.
But no.
It was pretty bad, wasn't it? On the contrary, Jack.
Aaron here says he has some news.
Yeah.
Uh, my producers saw your live Internet feed, and turns out they like what you did so much they want to talk potential TV series.
See? Look, I'm not gonna do a reality show, but I am happy to prove that there is still an audience for a real outdoor experience without any gimmicks.
No matter what Pearl Jam Professor Snape tried to tell us.
Right.
Right.
Let's take a look at the trailer they put together.
NARRATOR: In a world where adventurers are kings, the four-eyed man is blind.
This fall, on Nat Geo I just got bit by the pussum.
One question will be asked.
Will he die this week? Yeah, sure.
I mean, anything is pussible.
NARRATOR: Very pussible! What kind of a simple-minded fool would enjoy that? Oh, my God, that show looks hilarious! But Clark, you do know it's pronounced "possum," right? Exactly.
Pussum.
Are you guys pranking me? - Say awesome.
- Awesome.
Now put a "P" in front of it.
Pawesome.
Now say "possum.
" Pussum.
Hey, Jack.
Look.
You know I respect the schnizz out of your principles.
But I'm not gonna let you make the same mistake you made ten years ago.
Look, I'm never gonna do that show.
It's an abomination.
I am just glad that Emma and Mason weren't here to see this.
Oh, they saw it, and they went crazy about it.
I've never seen them so fired up.
Well, other than that time I pointed out what a pay phone looks like, I have officially taught them nothing.
Yeah.
And with your new show, you can teach millions more the same thing.
So what do you say, Jack? When are you gonna get it through that dirty janitor's mop that Jack Gordon will never sell out? I'm gonna do the show.
Until right now.
Bam, Jack, what is happening? If I can't even get Emma and Mason to like the outdoors, let alone the rest of the world, why not just abandon my ideals and get rich? Bro.
That's my motto.
BROOKE: You're doing the show? What about authenticity? Authenticity? Check out the two reporters "broadcasting" from the same room Esther felt me up in at the Christmas party.
Jack, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times.
I was just trying to touch your penis.
Well, at least they've gotten more convincing at shivering.
Jack, I think they might actually be in the Yukon.
Nah, if they were, they'd be complaining it's cold as balls.
And it's cold as balls! MASON: But to answer your question, we felt really bad misleading our viewers.
That's not what Outdoor Limits is about.
Right.
Our magazine is about substance, integrity and day-drinking.
MASON: Three things we've learned from our deeply committed maniac of a boss, Jack Gordon.
The caribou are so beautiful, I can't even.
Yeah.
Guys, you have to come up here.
It is so bleak.
We found a frozen corpse still locked upright in his cross-country skis.
But when you do come up here, do not wear these yoga pants, because they're trash.
Garbage.
Need some more of this stuff.
Oh, my God.
I have had an impact on them.
They've learned journalistic integrity.
And as a bonus, they're miserable.
Aaron, I'm sorry.
I can't do the show.
Even though you reach a lot more people, the work we're doing here is important.
Wow.
I want to get your integrity pregnant.
- Oh, my.
- You are engaged.
Yeah, but I'm not married.
You sure about this? Yeah, he's sure about it, bro.
You know what, I don't care if you do have a daughter.
It is clobbering time.
JACK: Aaron, it was good to see you again.
It was, wasn't it? You know, I know we have our differences, but in a way, it's cool that we found a path for each of us.
[grunts.]
The Choctaw Nation was right about you.
You're okay.
It's time to go to sleep, guy.
The Sandman is here.
Can we make plans? Oh, absolutely.
I'll text you.
Come here.
All right, I'm gonna go grab an apple for the road.
[straining.]
[howls.]
I know what you did, you sly son of a bitch.
What We were at war.
I-I was following orders.
Wait, hang on.
What, what's this in reference to? Hiding behind your book the entire time Aaron Wolf was here.
Well, I read your little story about the cobras in India.
And when the British interfered, they only made it worse.
And so the lesson was, sometimes, the best way to solve a problem is to leave it alone.
And that's exactly what you did, didn't you? Yes, that s-sounds exactly like what I did.
Mm.
Damn, I'm good.
Yeah.
You walk around here acting all drunk, but every move is a part of your master plan.
You're absolutely right, Jack.
Now I want you to go across the street, get me a mocha Frappuccino and know, the whole time, that it's all part of an important, hidden lesson.
[laughs.]
[whispering.]
: I'm gonna figure it out.
[exhales sharply, giggles.]