The Millers (2013) s01e16 Episode Script

It's currently seven degrees in Leesburg and most people are bundled up inside except for one plucky lady who's dressed up as a Confederate soldier.
Uh, ma'am, I think the question on everyone's mind is: "What the heck are you doing out here?" I'm helping my jackass husband with his stupid hobby.
Stop talking, Carla.
I'm doing the mouth.
And, um sir, what is it that you're doing? Re-creating the Battle of Ball's Bluff in ice.
Carla, don't slouch.
You're supposed to look heroic.
I should've never bought you that Civil War book, Harris! It's freezing out here! I'm going inside.
Don't you dare get warm! You look different when you're warm! And cut.
This sculpture's giving me the creeps.
Wipe that racist grin off your face! You lost the war, I have the right to vote, and my truck has 30-inch rims on it, bitch! Man, it is freezing out here.
It won't be on that tropical island we're flying to tomorrow morning.
Are you pumped? I am excited.
I just I don't know what to expect on a tropical island.
Growing up, my mom used to make us take educational vacations based on historical figures.
One year, we did Lewis and Clark.
Not the cool one, where they made it to the Pacific.
The one where they got lost in Iowa and had to turn back.
Well, this is gonna be different.
We're gonna have some of this right here going on.
A little bit of this right here.
And a whole lot of that right there.
Yeah.
Yeah.
How about this? Huh? Bit of this, and this, and this My foot! Ow, my foot! - Damn it, my foot! - Oh, man, I'm so sorry.
I wasn't looking when I backed my thing up.
Get it off! It took you 150 years, but you got me.
You finally got me! Get that white man off my foot! Why me? I had my boarding pass all printed out.
I was A-1.
The only other people who were boarding that plane before me were parents traveling with small children, the disabled, Platinum Preferred, first class, active military, and then me.
Ray, I'm gonna do for you what I always did for Nathan any time he was sick or injured.
I'm gonna get you some chocolate mint ice cream, rent Goonies, and let you try on any of my hats that you want.
Well, this sucks.
But it does open up my week and give me a chance to get my car detailed, get my eyebrows sculpted.
Wait a second.
You're not going? Oh, not without you, man.
I mean, I didn't want to say anything before, 'cause you were so gung ho, but I'm not really a "sit on the beach, do nothing" kind of guy.
Nathan I'm not gonna make it to that island.
You're gonna have to go without me.
So that all these months of searching the Internet, looking for "best vacation destinations", "comma, single men, comma, not gay," weren't for nothing! Get your ass on that island and jump in the conga line! Look, man, conga lines seem so silly.
Oh, oh, yes, yes, silly from the outside, but from the inside, they're glorious.
Like Hummer limos, and the parachute game where you go underneath, and you're like, "Ooh!" Look at all this stuff Grandma sent.
Which grandma? The weird one.
The weirder one.
Aw.
My mom sent these? Oh, look, it's all my old childhood stuff from the commune.
Man, if this blanket could talk.
What would it say? I have no idea, but how cool would that? A talking blanket? What are these, old phones? They used to be so big.
Sweetie, these are videotapes.
See, we didn't have cable TV on the commune, so my Uncle Phil used to send me tapes of my favorite show, Walker, Texas Ranger.
"Hey, how come you use your sheets but you never use me?" That's what my blanket would say.
I get sweaty at night.
Okay, can we at least get rid of this? Whoa, are you kidding? That's my old letterman's jacket.
It looks like a grain sack.
It is.
Except for the sleeves.
See, this one's made out of pleather, and this one's made out of plalligator.
You know, Deb, when I was young, I always dreamed of someday asking a beautiful girl to wear my jacket.
Aw.
Sweetie, I'd be honored.
"Tom" "please don't put me between your knees.
" That's what my pillow would say.
Get your ass in that conga line, Nate! That's right I'm in your head.
Now step aboard that booty train.
Whoo-whoo! Yo.
Yeah, got this.
All right! Yeah.
This is great.
Oh, I'm psyched.
Now I'm psyched.
I'm so pumped.
No, I'm faking it! Sorry.
It's not you; it's me.
It's just, I think I just need to be drunk first.
Oh.
I didn't order that.
It's from the lady at that table over there.
Oh.
Is that milk? Yes, sir.
And it's from that lady over there.
Surprise! Ray sold me his ticket! Sorry, man.
I needed the money.
Oh, this can't be happening.
You're supposed to be at home taking care of Ray.
He's fine.
He's staying at Debbie's.
These resorts are so expensive, I packed enough food to last us three days.
Do you want egg salad or turkey? I'll take the turkey.
These tickets can't be transferable.
They specifically say "nontransferable.
" I know, but I added two arches, so it says "mom-transferable.
" The agent thought it was so cute that he let it slide.
Yeah, and just like that, I don't feel guilty about breaking Ray's toe.
Buh-buh-buh-buh.
Let me get my black light first.
What? I read that hotel furniture can be unsavory.
Whew, boy! Looks like we had some spring breakers in here.
Based on the pattern, there were two guys, here and here.
There was a girl.
A natural redhead.
Okay, listen as much as I'd love to stand here and listen to my mom graphically describe an orgy, I'm gonna grab my stuff and go to the beach.
Are you sure you don't want to take a quick catnap to adjust to the new time zone? It's an hour difference.
Yeah, it's gonna be tough watching Jeopardy! at 6:00.
When it's on closer to bedtime, I have a better chance of dreaming about Alex Trebek.
What kind of dreams are you having about Alex Trebek? Mostly we solve crimes, but every once in a blue moon, we end up naked on a double-decker bus.
Let's take that nap while that's still fresh in my mind.
No, listen, Mom, we're on a tropical island.
I came here to relax, and that's what I'm gonna do.
So I'm not gonna sit in my hotel room eating egg salad sandwiches and watching Jeopardy!, and I'm damn sure not taking a nap.
Really? You sure do sound like a boy who needs a nap.
I don't need a nap, I don't want a nap, and I'm not taking a nap! He needs a nap.
Well, Mom made it there okay.
Nathan sounded cranky, but he probably just needed a nap.
Nah, it looks better the other way.
Hey, what's going on? Who taped over Walker? Wait, Adam, is that you? Uh yes, it is.
Who has the remote? Hey, Sierra.
I know you said you're not interested, but I love you.
A and I'm not just saying that 'cause you're the only girl in the commune not claimed by our exalted leader Jeff.
So since you won't meet me in the relationship pee I wrote you a love song.
Okay, seriously, who has the remote? Nobody wants to see this.
Oh, no, let it play.
Are you kidding? - I'm pretty sure everyone wants to see this.
- Yeah.
I asked you to senior prom You turned me down, so I took my mom Now I feel like a buffoon So I fly back To my Cocoon Ray, we have to mail this tape to the YouTube.
I want to stand and spread my wings And fly you out To Saturn's rings Instead I sadly Flutter by And cry the tears Of a but ter Fly.
Daddy, you were really crying.
Why were you so sad? Well, sweetie, I was pouring my heart out in song.
These are the silly things that people do for love.
Aw.
How many songs have you written for Mom? None.
Yeah, what exactly is it about me that made you lose your passion for songwriting? Well sweetie, I was a teenager.
You know, love seemed so important back then.
Back then? Back then.
I I You know what I mean.
Oh, she knows what you mean.
You know, suddenly, I'm feeling rather warm.
Debbie, my jacket? Come on.
Debbie Walker's back on.
Oh, great, now we'll never know why he's got that rodeo clown in the choke hold.
Worked up quite a thirst out there.
You got any recommendations? Uh, yeah, a soapy rag.
Soapy Rag I've not heard of that.
- Two Soapy Rags, please.
- Uh, no, it's for your face.
What's that? What the hell? No, I didn't I didn't do this.
Yoo-hoo, Nathan! Mom, did you do this? Well, you were asleep in that blazing sun.
I also adjusted your bathing suit.
It was bunched up so high, one of your testicles was peeking out.
Hey - The lefticle.
- Okay, listen Can I get a mai tai, please? Listen, Mom, I need to learn how to relax, and I can't do that with you freaking out about everything.
So, basically, I don't have a chance unless you learn to relax, too.
I know how to relax.
I'm good at it.
At Debbie's yoga studio, I took a meditation class, and finished ten minutes ahead of everyone else.
Listen, Mom, you have the same problem that I have.
It's hard for us to relax.
But, you know, somehow we need to learn to just go with the flow.
Look at that guy over there.
There's a man that knows how to relax.
Excuse me, sir, sorry, uh, what what's your name? Ganja Pete.
Course it is! I'm I'm so sorry.
What's your what's your plan for the day, Ganja Pete? Well, I'm gonna shower.
Then I'm gonna do some drinking, some dancing.
Hey.
I was lying about the shower.
Were you? Hey.
I love this guy.
We could learn something from him.
Hey, you want to buy a shell necklace? It doubles as a leash for your lizard.
Oh.
Yeah, well, I I don't have a lizard.
Well, it's probably run away 'cause you don't have a leash.
Okay, Pete, we're we're done here.
Thank you.
But you see what I mean, though, right? I mean, for the next three days, let's be as blissful as Ganja Pete.
Well, he does seem happy.
I don't know, Nathan.
I don't know if I can be that kind of person.
Of course you can.
Look, Mom, life is short.
Let's make this vacation count.
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! No, I'm not gonna Come on.
Come on.
No, no, no.
I'm not gonna Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Wow.
Uh, Mom, don't come out for a minute! There's broken glass all over the floor! I can't believe I'm getting on a plane in a couple hours.
I never even asked you where you're from.
Uh, Minnesota.
You? Virginia.
Yeah.
Well, take care.
Yeah.
You, too.
Okay, Mom, I cleaned up the glass! You can come on out now! Mom? You come out.
Mom? She never came home.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
Eddie, Eddie, do you know where my mom is? Is she here? Did you teach her to blend in with the walls? I think I still might be drunk.
Yeah, you're drunk, all right.
What? And when you're at the Whispering Frog I love to see your downward dog Debbie, Debbie You're so fine I'm glad you said that you'd be mine Your ruby lips, your hair is red And best of all You're great in bed.
Well? "Red" and "bed.
" Really gave that rhyming dictionary a workout.
Wait, Debbie, just help me understand why you're still upset.
I don't want to talk, okay? I just want to be alone.
Can we be alone together? Adam.
Okay, well Just let me take a walk with you, okay? Okay, fine.
Okay, thank you.
Okay.
I just think it's important that we talk about this.
Okay? W Hey.
Debbie, how can I fix it if I still don't know what's bothering you? Okay, you want to know what it is? You have no passion for me.
You know? You you see me as a boring housewife in Snoopy pajamas who only shaves up to the knee.
I love your prickly thighs.
Just give me one more chance.
Okay.
Uh I'm not like all the other guys I really like your prickly thighs I like the way they scratch my chin And I just wanted to know how it feels for you to cry over me like you cried over that Sierra girl.
What are you talking about? That's crazy.
I cried for Sierra because I was miserable! And I haven't felt that way since I met you.
I mean, I can't cry over a woman who brings me nothing but joy every single day.
I adore you, Debbie! You're perfect! Oh Did you mean it? I make you happy every day? Every day.
That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me.
So much better than any song.
You're the girl for me, Deb.
And, besides, I looked Sierra up on Facebook, and let's just say the years have not been kind.
- You did what? - Wait, wait, wait.
Debbie, wait No, you'd be proud of me! I didn't accept her request to play FarmVille! Oh, God.
Where's my mother? And don't tell me you don't know 'cause I tracked her here with my phone.
Are you the UPS man? 'Cause I've been waiting for my replacement passport for 19 years now.
Are you looking for me? Mom, what happened to your hair? You look like Bo Derek 's grandmother.
Like it? Ganja Pete has a surprisingly steady hand for a man whose first name is a synonym with - "marijuana.
" - Marijuana.
Okay.
Thank you, Ganja Pete.
You're a very wonderful man, and and thank you for your hospitality.
We'll be sure to remember you every time we smell a neglected aquarium.
Come on, Mom.
Our plane leaves in two hours.
And, judging by the smell of you, I predict a very thorough search at customs.
I'm not getting on the plane, son.
Mom, what are you talking about? This isn't you.
What what happened last night? This morning, when I watched the sun come up, I realized, for the first time in my life, I didn't wish it was earlier or later I was just happy to be in the moment.
And then I heard your voice.
And do you know what it was saying? I can see Ganja Pete's wiener.
No, no, it it No, no.
I can see it through the window.
He's doing his slow karate naked.
Wow.
He's got beads down there, too, huh? I know.
Once those get going, they really make a racket.
Anyway, your voice was saying, "Life is short.
" "You need to make every moment count.
" And, damn it, you're right.
Come on, Nathan.
Let's give ourselves one, just one more day in paradise.
Well I guess one more day couldn't hurt.
Yoo-hoo! My coconut's empty! All right, all right, all right.
Yes I.
Oh.
Ooh.
I'm so glad that you talked me into staying one more day.
You know what I'd be doing if I was home right now? I wouldn't be playing with my hair beads, that's for sure.
I like doing this.
Sounds like applause.
Finally! I've been rolling my injured ass all over this island trying to find you sunburned idiots.
What are you doing here, Ray? Come on, Ray.
I told you that we were coming home tomorrow, man.
You told me you were coming home tomorrow eight days straight.
That's a whole Hanukkah of lies.
I should've never let amateurs on an island vacation with no exit strategy.
You're like two kids on a merry-go-round who don't know how to get off! Look at you two! You look like backup dancers for Rick James! What was the big game plan? You stay here forever? And make shell necklaces? Huh? Paint tropical scenes on the backs of turtles? Become a Rastafarian minister? Build eco-friendly homes out of empty coconuts? Race hermit crabs? Huh? Get leathery skin? Paint tropical scenes on the backs of turtles? You already said that one.
I repeat myself once in 12 hours and you call me on it? You take those beads out of your head.
And, you, I don't know what you got pierced, but whatever set off the metal detector at the airport, take it out! We really let ourselves get carried away.
I feel kind of silly.
Yeah.
Now I know why Ganja Pete doesn't have a mirror.
We look like Miller Vanilli.
It's nice to be home again.
Yeah, it is.
Although it was kind of nice learning how to live in the moment.
I agree.
That's why I stole these from the hotel bar.
I thought once a week we could set our clocks to island time, pour ourselves a couple of mai tais and maybe make some of Ganja Pete's famous rosemary brownies.
Yeah.
Uh, "Rosemary" might be a little harder to find back here.
No, Rosemary's at the grocery store.
The hard part will be getting the weed.
We did get kind of crazy down on that island.
Maybe I don't know.
Maybe we shouldn't share all the details with the rest of the family.
Oh, you better delete those videos off of your phone.
Oh, yeah.
Think I might've drunk-posted that one of you doing the splits between those two moving tortoises.
Looks like we have a new weirdest grandma.