The Nanny s01e16 Episode Script

I am so sick of all this snow.
There's a pigeon frozen to the windowsill.
Oh gee, look at this gorgeous tanned family relaxing on the bench.
Oh, who is that attractive brunette in the background there? Oh gee, you know, that must be the nanny.
No.
No, it couldn't be.
Her mouth's closed.
You know, actually, this does look very inviting.
/ Hm-hmm.
Yeah, I suppose we could all do with a break.
Hey, let's go to the Caiman Club.
Oh yeah, they've got that fabulous teen program.
Oh, too bad you're only twelve.
Oh, yeah.
But you could be unpopular with a whole new bunch of kids.
Best of all, they have a whole separate dining room for children.
I don't care.
As long as I get some color.
Wait a minute.
Kids' program, separate dining rooms.
What kind of place is this? It sounds like you guys would never see each other.
/ Well, yeah.
That's kind of the point.
/ It's a vacation.
A family vacation you spend with your family.
We spend every summer together in Miami.
Oh, how could you go to Miami in the summer? / Easy.
Drive south and hang a left at hell.
Oh, wasn't it hot and humid and gross? Yeah, but it was off season rates, so we got to stay twice as long.
Plus the Fountainbleau had this fabulous seafood extravaganza.
Oh, buffet tip: Always go past the rolls, right to the lobster and shrimp.
Did you write that down, Niles? / It's all up here, sir.
Oh, you guys'll have such a great time, and you'll come back with a whole new lease on life.
Of course, I'll still be here saddled with the old lease Miss Fine.
/ shoveling snow on the walkway.
Miss Fine.
/ Probably fall, break my hip.
Aw, you'll pick me up when you get back.
Miss Fine! / What?! If I'm traveling with the children, naturally I expect the nanny to accompany us.
Oh, how kind of you to think of me.
What about Niles though? Don't you want a little peace and quiet? Desperately.
How soon can you all pack? A vacation? That's a splendid idea.
I've been dying to get away.
Well, now's your chance, since I'll be out of town.
/ Oh.
I hear Club Med has a desperate women with no prospects package.
It's a waste of money.
So I've heard.
Oh, C.
C.
, you know we'd like to take you with us, but this is really a time for me to be alone with the family.
Yoo-hoo, Mister Sheffield.
Oh, wait till you see the adorable bathing suit I got for the honeymoon I mean, the vacation.
Oh, Grace would look very cute in that.
What Grace? This is for me.
If we're going to Gilligan's Island, I wanna be Ginger.
You mean you're going with him? / A nanny's work is never done.
Well, if you'll all excuse me, I have a life to get on with.
I have a standing invitation with a certain senator.
Hmm What some politicians won't do for a vote.
Oh-wee, oh-wee baby Won't you let me take you on a sea cruise.
They don't write 'em like that anymore.
I can't wait to go snorkeling.
/ Oh, me, too.
Maggie floating face down in the water; I'm there.
Niles, you didn't have to drive us to the airport.
/ Oh, yes I did, sir.
If need be, I would have carried you.
Oh, I can't stand driving backwards.
I get car stick.
Uh, Miss Babcock, would you mind switching with me? Is it absolutely necessary? / Did you see the pea soup scene in the Exorcist? All right, all right.
/ Okay, thank you.
Oh Yeah, oh good.
Oh, whoops, whoops, you got a run in your stocking.
Oh no, it's just a spider vein.
Oh, these lifeguards are gorgeous.
I can't wait to drown.
Not that we're ever gonna get there with this traffic.
/ Oh, I know a shortcut.
No.
No, no.
We'll stay on the expressway.
It's the most direct route.
Yeah, that's what my father said when we were on our way to see Liza at the Westbury Music Fair.
P.
S.
, we got there so late she was halfway through her encore of New York.
Don't you mean New York, New York? That's how late we were.
Miss Fine, we've passed that same derelict six times.
Are we there yet? / I told you to go before we left the house.
I didn't have to go then.
Whatever you do, don't think about rushing rivers, or babbling brooks, or waterfalls.
I'm singing in the rain Is that a gas station? / No.
Hey, where's Ronnie's Slack Shack? / Who cares? Well, I'm losing all my landmarks.
Everything is white from the snow.
Oh, I know what we'll do.
I know.
We'll go to my mother's.
From there I can find my way anywhere.
Well, well, well, couldn't you just pretend we, you've just left your mother's and are picking me up here on the way to the airport.
Forget it.
If you're taking me away for the weekend, the least you could do is pick me up.
What kind of a girl do you think I am? What are you doing here? / Where's your bathroom? Oh, down the hall.
But don't use the rosette soaps.
They're just for show.
The Glad is under the sink.
Your father was just in there.
/ Oh Uh, I have to go, too.
Where's your other bathroom? Oh, it's in the luncheonette on the corner.
But they make you order something.
I recommend the grilled cheese.
I am so sorry for this intrusion, Mrs.
Fine.
Oh, not at all.
It's an honor to have you in our house.
You couldn't call, tell a person that you're coming? I would have windexed the couch.
/ Ma Oh, Mrs.
Fine, please, don't go to any trouble.
We're only gonna be here for a minute.
We're on our way to the airport.
/ Yeah.
You mean you haven't heard? / What? Heard what? / I just saw it on T.
V.
It's the worst blizzard in thirty years.
Oh, it doesn't look that bad.
Oh God, did Kathy Lee come into the studio? / No.
Oh, it's bad.
All the airports and the bridges are closed.
What? Are you telling me we're actually stuck here? What about our vacation? / The Caribbean.
Ehh.
You never know when there's a revolution, a coop.
You'll stay here where you're nice and safe.
So, are you hungry? I could make a rump roast.
I got a tongue in the freezer.
/ What did she say? Well, I am feeling all refreshed and rearing to go.
Who's gonna tell her? / Oh please, allow me.
The bridges, airports, and weekends with a senator have been shut down due to the blizzard.
Good one, Niles.
Let's go.
Oh, I get it, you're all in on it, huh? Tell me he's joking! It won't be so bad.
Ma's gonna boil a tongue.
Wheel of Fortune! What's Vanna wearing? / A blue, short, sequined decorte.
Oh, that's a return.
Have you ever had the opportunity of working with Merv Griffin? The man is brilliant.
You know, he still makes up the puzzles all by himself.
He's a giant in the industry.
Yeah, his weight does go up and down, God bless him.
Oh my goodness, Miss Fine, what are you wearing? Well, as far as I'm concerned, our vacation is starting right now.
Then I want a refund.
Oh, there's always one in the tour group.
Miss Babcock, you've hardly touched your tongue.
Actually, I'm on a no-tongue diet.
Oh, the senator will be so disappointed.
I think it's really good, Mrs.
Fine.
Mmm Say, I know what'll set the mood.
How about the Let's Get Acquainted cocktail party? ********** / Oh, yes Please Red or purple? Don't you have anything drier? Um, Bailey's Irish Cream? / That's for dessert.
No, for dessert we're having Jello One-Two-Three.
Ma, I thought they stopped making that in the early seventies? Well, I've been saving it for a special occasion.
If this doesn't knock me out, hit me with the bottle.
Hey, hey, hey, little one, what did I say? No swimming in the ocean for two hours after eating tongue.
And you should put on some sun block.
You don't wanna blotch, do you? One down and Mah Jong.
This is terrifying.
Are you telling me this Gilligan chap never gets off the island? He got off once, but then they went back with the Harlem Globetrotters.
I think I'll go and watch the game with Morty.
Well, keep your eyeglasses on.
He's clipping his toenails and those suckers can fly.
This is pathetic.
Right now I should be wind surfing into the sunset with this guy.
His tan, buff arms around me.
In your dreams.
And even then I'll be watching you.
Don't feel so bad, Maggie Excellent! Oh, that was so satisfying.
Brighton, you are so immature.
Did you find the "who cut the cheese" pillow? / No! I'm in hell.
/ Join the club.
That's the doorbell.
/ Thanks, Ma.
We were all wondering.
Oh, that's okay, Niles.
I'll get it.
/ Oh, sorry.
Force of habit.
Oh, look, it's the cute cabana boy.
Hi, Kenny.
What's up? How's your parents? What do you need? Not much.
They're fine.
Fabric softener.
Oh, come on in.
Boy, look how big you got.
You really grew into your ears.
Well, I had that growth spurt after my bar mitzvah.
Hey, you wanna meet a real live shiksa goddess? Kenny, this is Maggie.
Maggie, Kenny.
Hi.
/ Hi.
Mix and mingle.
We're stuck here.
/ I've been stuck here for seventeen years.
At least you get to leave when the snow melts.
Cool jeans.
/ Oh, thanks.
I got 'em at Ronnie's Slack Shack.
Where is that place? / It's on Union Turnpike, right next door to Vinny's Jacket Racket.
Oh, yeah, by the Blouse House.
Does anyone have a sharp knife? Hey, you wanna come down to the new launderette? If you think I'm cute now you should see me under the fluorescent lights.
Oh, aren't they cute? It's just like Blue Lagoon.
She's Brooke Shields and he's David Brenner.
He seemed like a nice young man.
If anyone wants my opinion / Hands? Niles.
/ Sorry, sir.
But every time I try to get out, she pulls me back in.
Say what you will, buy this is an iffy neighborhood.
For all we know he could be a member of a gang.
What gang? The Oys in the Hood? I'm telling you, this kid is a doll.
His father invented the little plastic thingys on the ends of shoelaces.
Oh, of course, the lace thingy there.
Where have you been hiding him? Oh, stop, Mister Sheffield, no.
It's your vacation.
Oh, I know.
And I'm having such a lovely time here in the sitting room, but I thought I'd take a little scenic tour of the kitchen.
Oh, while you're in there, will you pull out the capon for tomorrow? And smear on some of the Campbell's Creamy Mushroom.
This is awfully nice of your parents to take us in like this.
Oh, that's the kind of people they are.
I mean, you know, they consider you all family and when it comes to family, we Fines stick together.
I'll tell you, there's more warmth in this little apartment, than in all the Caribbean Islands put together.
Oh, well, what's this? A fortune chicken? Oh, is that not romantic.
My father left my mother a love letter and stuffed it in the chicken between the heart and the giblets.
Oh, isn't thatgrotesque.
Oh, it's a little smeared.
Can you make that out? Oh yeah, wait a minute.
"My darling.
My passion for you lives forever.
" Oh, I can just weep from the beauty that is my parents' union.
"Yours forever Paul Zalasnick.
" Paul Zalasnick? ************** The butcher.
Oh my god, is my mother having an affair? Fran? Fran? Here, here, here, here.
/ No, I don't, I don't want it.
I was thinking, Daddy's not in the mood for chicken.
Oh, can you blame him? You know, I thought I'd make spaghetti.
Make sure there's enough ketchup.
/ All right.
My mother and the butcher.
Could this be happening? Oh come on, Miss Fine, we don't know for certain that note was meant for your mother.
I mean, there are plenty of ways it could have gotten into the chicken.
How? It sat on it? / There you go.
Oh god, everyone, come and see.
I hope no great expectations accompany this outfit.
I brought this for Daddy to wear in the Poconos.
The poor guy was living in a fool's paradise.
Thanks for your help.
You know, if this heiress thing doesn't work out, you could have a great career in fluffing and folding.
Thanks, Kenny.
Shalom.
Oh You know, I hear Jewish men make excellent husbands.
I wonder who she heard that from? Probably Niles.
He's always buzzing something in her ear.
Don't you think Kenny looks just like Luke Perry? Poor thing.
She's as blind as my father.
Ow! / Shh! You're gonna wake up Mister Sheffield! Oh, it's all right.
I'm already awake.
Brighton's having that kick boxing dream again.
Oh, Brighton.
Honey, go sleep with your sisters.
Come on.
Oh, C.
C.
's in there.
/ Well, she's used to getting kicked out of bed.
Ow! / Oh, sorry.
Peace at last! Oh, for heaven sakes.
Miss Fine! / Ow! Oh, sorry, old man.
/ Blast it.
Even Gilligan had a hammock.
Miss Fine, it's three a.
m.
/ Who can sleep? Well, I wouldn't mind having a crack at it.
Look at this picture of my mother and father at their thirtieth anniversary.
You think you know someone.
Who is this stranger I call Ma? The same person she always was.
The one who made this house warmer than all the islands in the Caribbean.
Oh, yeah.
Did she have to warm up half of Queens, too? Don't you realize the entire foundation by which I judge all relationships is just crumbling before my eyes.
Oh, Miss Fine, you don't need to lose your faith in marriage, just because your mother turns out to be human.
Oh, there was a Jerry Vale tape in the veal! Maxwell, I hope you don't mind, but Brighton insisted we trade places.
Ah, there If you're looking for the hot water bottle, that's not it.
More sausage? Breakfast cake? / Right here.
Eat up, eat up.
/ You'd love that, wouldn't you? The faster we eat the sooner you could go shopping.
I'm through dusting, Mrs.
Fine.
Can be of any further service? Ma, you're not making her play cleaning girl, are you? She does a good job.
I can see myself in the couch.
At the end of the day, I get paid a dollar.
A dollar, Ma? / Well, she's got no experience.
Unlike some people I know.
/ What are you talking about? Like you don't know.
/ Fran, I'd like to see you in the kitchen.
No, Ma, I'd like to see you in the kitchen.
/ Fine.
Have it your way.
What's with you? Me? What's with you? Excuse us.
We'll start lunch.
Okay, Ma, I wanna know, for once and for all, what is going on here.
What are you talking about? Oh, chop sirloin, extra lean.
Look at this.
Paulie, the butcher, takes very good care of me.
Well, I'll bet.
Oh, look it here.
Mail's in.
Fran, have you been going through my meat? It's not what you think.
Ma, you and the butcher? How could you? Fran, you're blowing it all out of proportion.
All we do is Oh, please.
No details.
Once I get a picture in my head It's just a little innocent flirting.
You mean you're not having an affair? / No, of course not.
He winks at me.
And I tell him what a nice rump he has today, and I, I get a roast half-price.
/ Ma, you tramp.
Hey, we're on a fixed income here.
/ Yeah, well what would Daddy say if he found out? He knows.
Sometimes he comes down and he watches Paulie give me the meat.
This is like a really bad Geraldo.
You can make fun because you're young.
You're still turning heads.
For me, not so much anymore.
But when Paul Zalasnick winks at me with his good eye, I feel young again, too.
What's the matter? / I think I can live with this.
As long as you and Daddy still love each other.
Of course we do.
And I'll tell you a little secret.
Your father and I have better sex with a full freezer.
Ma, I'm getting a picture! Oh, they'll be no sleeping tonight.
Wheel of Fortune! Come on, Ma, it's a new one.
Here, Brighton, try this.
Mmm, not bad.
What is it? / Stuffed derma.
Delish.
What's a derma? / Skin.
No, sweetheart, it's not skin.
It's intestines.
Morty, get out of the bathroom! So I thought after med school I'd go into stand-by comedy.
Sort of a big joke on my parents.
Oh, buy a vowel, you twit! So everything's sorted out with your parents? / Oh, yeah.
They're like the Rock of Gibraltar.
I don't know what you were so worried about.
Can we come back here next year for our vacation? Yes, we are having a good time, aren't we? That's because we're all together.
Oh, who needs the Caribbean anyway? The roads are clear, the airport's open! All right, kids, pack it up.
We're out of this dump.
Oh-we, oh-we, baby.
Oh-we, oh-we, baby.
Oh-we, oh-we, baby.
Won't you let me take you on a sea cruise.
Where, where's Brighton? More tongue?