The Neighbors s01e16 Episode Script

Wait up! Mom, I officially hate what I'm wearing.
I know, baby, but at least it's clean.
I'll throw in a wash when I get home.
Just tell the other kids it's eclectic.
And don't forget I have hockey today.
And Abby has scouts.
Amber has debate.
With this new schedule, I need six more hours in the day.
Look out! Just what the morning was missing.
All right.
Learn lots, and be right back here at 3:15! Max! Wait! You forgot your lunch! Mom, get back in the car! What? Oh, God.
My mom's eclectic.
S01E16 Mother Clubbers Yes, Beth, I will pick up the girls after scouts, but on Thursday, could I will pick them up on Thursday, too.
This is a hell of a system we got goin', Beth.
Hello? Hello? Oh, take me away, you beautiful celebrities.
Tori spelling did not wear that better.
And Maria menounos did? It's called a brassiere, miss menounos.
Look into it.
We're ready for you to take us to one of your grocery stores so we can cross off another experience on our bucket list.
Oh, right.
That was today.
You know what, guys? I'm having a tough week.
The kids have started all-new activities, - and Marty's working late, so - Well, yes, you can go over the details of your life along the way.
What life, Larry? I'm a mom.
I'm a limo driver without a limo.
- I have no life.
- Perfect.
Chop-chop, driver.
These boxes go on forever.
And you humans actually feed this to your children? Is it to punish them? No, Larry, not a punishment.
It's called cereal.
It's 98% processed sugar spray-painted pink.
You're better off eating the box.
- Hey there.
- Hello.
Oh, everyone's so friendly at the grocery store.
Yes.
Especially the males to my wife.
What's that all about? I should have warned you technically, this is the pickup grocery store a lot of creepy single dads and way-overdressed divorced ladies.
Hello, ma'am.
It's annoying, but the produce here is way better than at the regular family stores.
- Hello there.
- Hello.
Wait a second.
So you're saying that these men saying hello to my wife, - that they're - They're flirting, Larry.
They're letting her know that they find her attractive.
- I am? - She is? Are you kidding? Larry, your wife is a 10.
Out of how many? Because if she's a 10, I'm at least a 38.
I'm confused.
Back on our home planet, Larry bird was the beautiful one.
Really? Yes, really.
In zabvronian form, we measure beauty by the size and depth of a translucent green aura that radiates from our bodies.
Jackie's aura was like a gray Jersey smog.
It's true.
I'm hideous.
I naturally assumed that our beauty ratio would translate on earth.
Well, Larry, I hate to break it to you, but it didn't.
Nonsense! You're the hot one in your marriage.
I don't see anyone flirting with you.
Well, Larry, I'm not exactly screaming "swingin' single" this morning, but when you're a mom raising three kids, sometimes you can't find the time to work on your upkeep, and you just Oh, my God.
I'm dressed like Adam Sandler.
Oh, my God.
I'm not as hot as my wife.
Oh, my God.
I'm pretty.
Hey, mom, whatcha doin'? Oh, thanks for asking, Amber.
I'm in the mood to get glammed up, - so I've been going through - All right, I'm gonna shut this down, 'cause I really don't care.
Um, can I borrow $50? No.
But I have to ask you one thing.
If I were to get all styled up, do you think I could get into a club? - A book club? - A nightclub.
I saw some pictures of this place in New York Hell.
It looks like fun.
The thing is, Amber, I'm not just a mom.
I'm also a woman.
Mom, I love you.
It's clear you're Going through something, but I have to believe that's what dad is for.
So peace.
I'm not just a mom! Honey, I cut my elbow.
Can you put neosporin on it? Ohh.
It hurts.
eight, nine, ten.
Ready or not, here we come! Here I am! No, Dick, it's hide-and-seek.
You hide, we seek.
You don't want to be found.
With all due respect, we are children, not idiots.
Is there not a more mentally challenging game we could play? Fine.
I'll hide again.
How can you children play when a tragedy has befallen this family? I lost my looks! I'll never be in one of these magazines.
I want to be pretty.
Can't you do that weird clap-over-your-head thing and turn into George clooney or something? Oh, George Clooney Wubba-wubba.
Abby, mommy told you to stop doing that.
Yes, I'm with mommy on this one.
Anyway, children are the only ones that can change their shape.
And besides, if I were to transform myself magically into an overrated sex symbol, it wouldn't be George Clooney.
It would be Christian Bale.
Christian Bale Cut me off a slice of that.
Abby! I have to figure out a way to be more physically appealing.
You could get a makeover like they do on TV.
This is real life, kids.
It's not TV.
We are a family of aliens living amongst humans.
And every week, we tackle a new problem together and learn that, while we may be from different backgrounds, even planets, family dynamics are, in fact, universal.
It's real life, kids.
It's not TV.
Besides, how could I even get a makeover? Amber could help.
She's obsessed with those stupid makeover shows.
She hogs our whole dvr with them.
Wait a second.
Amber Weaver, that sad sack of slouching grouch, can make me look like Johnny Depp? Mr.
Depp Table for two confirmed.
- Abby! - Abby! Hey, guys.
When you're done with the creepiest conversation ever, it's called hide-and-seek, not hide-and-talk.
Now try to find me.
Is he for real? I'm not sayin' I want the person in the grocery store hittin' on me.
I'm just sayin' it would be nice to be noticed.
I notice you.
I used to have it so together, and now we're sharing sweatshirts.
When you don't have to get dressed for work, it's a slippery slope, Marty.
I dropped the kids off in my underwear yesterday.
Oh, see, honey, now that sounds hot to me.
Babe, there is a reason why you are the hottest M.
I.
L.
F.
in all the kids' classes, okay? And I look at these things A lot.
All right.
Easy, cowboy.
Well, maybe, you know, I don't wanna be a M.
I.
L.
F.
Maybe just once, I'd like to, you know, drop the "m.
" Just be an I.
L.
F.
Is that a thing? I just want a day off where I can feel like a woman.
Like oh! Remember that movie we were watching in bed the other night, where that woman takes the train into the city by herself, and she meets that beautiful French guy with all the books? You mean "Unfaithful"? You know I'm bad with the titles.
The point is, she had this nice passing moment with a stranger in the street.
Oh, and she was wearing that cute blue dress.
Yeah.
Then they had an affair, and her husband killed him.
Well, I fell asleep before that happened.
You know I can't stay awake unless it's a Michael Bay film.
But I don't want that.
I want the first part the cute blue dress and a couple of hours to myself.
Okay.
Then do it.
You go ahead.
You take the day today.
Whatever you want.
I can handle the kids.
Really? And you understand? Totally.
All the way, hon.
Look, you do so much for us, you know? Let me do something for you.
Oh, you know, Marty, you are always surprising me.
Just when I think I'm sittin' there looking at this goofy man-child who can't even put neosporin on his own elbow, and feeling like my life is getting claustrophobic and closing in on me, you say exactly what I needed to hear.
Thanks for understanding, babe.
"Goofy man-child"? Oh, boy.
Amber, your mother just said a bunch of concerning things to me.
She used words like "goofy man-child.
" I will spare you the details, but I need you to help me step up my look for your mom.
Step in line, pal.
I'm getting pretty first.
I went to the grocery store and found that Jackie is better-looking than me.
Oh, buddy.
You didn't have to go all the way to the grocery store to learn that.
- Well-played, dad.
- Right? I'm reeling.
I'm not used to being like you far less attractive than my wife.
And Larry Bird gets on the board.
So you both need my makeover prowess.
And if you've seen any makeover shows, you know what that means Hideous "before" pictures, shopping, the emotional pep talk, and finally, the big reveal, where the whole family applauds because they no longer have to love an ugly person.
- I'm down.
- Sounds great.
What's in it for me? The knowledge that you helped a once-great leader - regain his confidence.
- No.
To help reawaken my sex appeal and keep your mother interested in me.
And I just threw up in my mouth twice.
Amber, perhaps my friend might help persuade you.
Say hello to George Washington.
Leave.
Whose brother Abe just came to the party.
Holy God, you're terrible at this.
Lucky for you, I'm broke.
Kids, we're goin' to the mall.
The money was a good idea.
Right.
Hey, Jackie.
What are you doing in my garage? Trying out all the mirrors in the neighborhood, and I wanted to see if I look pretty in one in which I may be closer than I appear.
Frankly, I'm still not seeing it.
Oh, please.
Jackie, you are a knockout.
I'm taking a day off from being a mom.
Wanna have a day of beauty? Like spa, shopping, hair.
We could buy you some new clothes.
Oh! It could be your "pretty woman" montage, where you try on tons of clothes until you find that magical piece that looks perfect on you.
Ooh.
Well, that didn't take long.
Okay.
Now me.
That was fun, Debbie Weaver.
Right? God, I love being de-mommed.
Look at this top not a drop of mustard on it.
It's sort of a let-down to waste these outfits and this hair on an empty house.
Well, we could go out, just the two of us.
Hold on.
Wait.
Here.
Hell.
- Hell? - We're going to hell.
- We're going to hell? - We're going straight to hell.
- Why are we going straight to hell? - It's a club.
In the city.
Zac Efron and Leonardo di Caprio go there.
- Gangsta.
- Yeah.
We could try to get in, spot a few celebs, and then come home before it gets too late.
- Let's do it! - Yes! - Yes! - Come on! Okay, hell.
You four, come on.
Let's go.
Oh, God, I'm not getting in here.
I just spent $62 to park my minivan in an underground garage.
I'm in hell.
No, technically, you're not in hell yet.
All right.
You two, let's go.
Look at all these kids, with their metal shoes and their confusing hair.
I'm not gettin' in.
I'm just a mom.
Debbie Weaver, you are not just a mom.
You're sexy and you're gorgeous, and my only chance of getting in is with you at my side.
- Let's do this.
- Yes.
Whoa.
Ladies.
Have a nice time.
- We got in! - We are so cool! Girls Don't make me regret lettin' you in here.
Understood, sir.
We're home! Jackie! Behold my makeover! They chemically removed the color from my hair and sprayed it on my face! I'm a 10 again! Guys? Hello? I'm in here! Hello? Hide-and-seek is literally the worst game ever.
Did none of you realize you'd left me at home? Dick, where is everyone? Mom and Debbie Weaver got dressed up and went to hell.
As far as I'm concerned, you can all go there, too.
Wait.
Wait, this whole makeover thing was for nothing? All right, now might be a good time for your standard post-makeover, pre-reveal emotional pep talk.
Unfortunately, I fast-forward through that part of makeover shows, 'cause frankly, emotion bores me.
- All right.
We look great.
- We do.
It's time to remind our wives how great.
Yes.
Amber, you're babysitting.
- Larry, let's hit it.
- Let's hit it.
No one else is playing, kid.
Seriously, this game should be called hide-and-sucks.
Thanks, Jackie.
This really was what I needed.
We got dressed up, found out we could get into a club.
And, wow, the music is really loud in here.
How you doing? I was almost on "the apprentice.
" Move along, pal.
Work on your pickup line.
At the risk of sounding ungrateful, being hot is growing tiresome.
I know.
Let me run to the bathroom, and we'll go home.
Excuse me! Sorry.
Coming through! Coming through.
That's my toe.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Ooh.
Excuse me.
Oh, my God, you're Michael Bay.
Oh, my God, I am Michael Bay.
I love all your movies.
"Armageddon" was epic.
Oh, that is that's a good word.
I like that word.
- The animal crackers? - Hated that scene.
- Really? - Hated that scene.
Loved it.
You an actress? Oh, I did a play in junior high, but that's it.
Shame.
You'd look so good walking away from an explosion in slow motion.
Not tonight, Starsky & Hutch.
Come on, man, please.
You gotta let us in.
I can't let you in here.
You look like Ellen Degeneres.
What if we left you with our sexy little friend George Washington? - Oh, not again.
- Uh-oh.
Looks like Frankie D.
's in the house.
All right, come here.
I want you to keep him distracted.
I'm gonna look for another way in.
Okay.
you know what I don't understand is, what's so special about this club as compared to That one over there with no line? Why don't you go over there and find out? Well, I will.
Here I come Manhunters.
So you came all this way just to see if you could get in? Well, sometimes you need to go out to see if you still got it.
Well, take it from a total stranger, you definitely got it.
Thank you, Michael Bay.
Wait.
Say that again? You're gorgeous.
Nothin'.
That's weird.
And we have all your movies on loop, and still, I feel absolutely nothing.
Hello.
I couldn't help but notice the most beautiful I.
L.
F.
In this place.
Hey, pal, I'm having a talk with the lady here.
I know, but I'm here now, pal.
And I have just one question to ask.
Is it me, or is it crazy loud in here? It is so loud in here.
Were clubs always this loud? - And very crowded.
- Way too many people, all night long I've been wondering why I'm not home watching "shark tank" on TiVo.
I have a real shark tank you can cozy up in front of.
You're not just a mom.
It's okay.
I love being a mom.
Sometimes you just need a day, you know? - Are those skinny jeans? - Yeah.
You should probably get used to 'em, 'cause they're not coming off for, like, a month.
Take me home? I would love to.
better luck next time, buddy.
I can't believe how much that guy looks like Michael Bay.
What the hell just happened? Oh, my God.
You're Michael Bay.
There we go.
Excuse me, sir.
Great place.
Oh, it's cold.
Well, then allow me Milady.
And I do love wearing your clothes.
Debbie Weaver! Where'd you go? Oh, Jackie, I left you.
Yes, you did, with all those horrible people.
"I like ya legs.
Ya ever been in a Porsche?" Hey, do you know what happened to my friend? Orange British dude? Yeah.
Went to manhunters.
Manhunters? Attention! Larry Bird, are you here? Jackie?! Husband! Look at you.
Well? Aren't you going to fall all over yourselves trying to say hi to my wife? Why? You're way hotter than she is.
And all is right with the universe again.
It's a bit silly, isn't it? The whole looks thing.
I'm sorry if I got carried away.
And I'm sorry if I got insecure And orange.
You were always the beautiful one.
So you wanna dance, mama? And I don't mean "mama" in the mom way.
I mean it in the hot way.
- Not that moms aren't hot - All right.
Shut up and dance! Just dance.
I can't believe that was really Michael Bay, and he hit on my wife.
He did.
Michael friggin' Bay hit on my sexy wife.
Okay, I don't know if it's sexy or weird that that's turning you on.
I don't know, either, but it's happening.
I can see that.
Stop! Wait! I'm officially and forever done with hide-and-seek.
By the way, it wouldn't kill you to dust under there every now and then.