The Ranch (2016) s01e16 Episode Script

1 Colt! Rooster! You up yet? Whatever will I do with all this free beer? If that doesn't work, nothing will.
Hey.
Mornin', Dad.
Mornin', Daddy.
Don't tell me you guys are just getting in from drinking.
No, we got up early so we could feed the cows, so we could focus on inseminating the herd.
'Cause we are responsible adults.
That's right.
Now, bring on the bull jizz.
You put some mineral out? Yep.
- Got the ice off the tanks? - Yes, sir.
Check the pipe and the pump? Yep.
Even put the morning paper in the order you like it.
Sports, weather, politics.
Threw out the opinion section, because we know you don't give a shit about nobody else's.
All right, we're headed out to the barn.
Looks like there's nothing for you to yell at us about.
Sorry to rob you of your one true joy.
It is an odd feeling.
All right.
Have a good morning, Pa.
- You, too.
- Adios.
Hey, dumbshits! You drank all the coffee! That feels better.
Why in the hell am I pouring this? Man, this is weird.
My natural instinct's to keep things from getting pregnant.
Yeah.
You're good at it, too what with you never getting laid and all.
You know, this is a big deal.
If we do a good job with these cows, Dad'll give us a shit ton more to do.
Hell yeah! Wait -Do we want a shit ton more to do? - Hell yeah.
Prove to Dad we know what we're doing maybe he'll let us buy more land, you know, expand the herd.
Hell, we could even branch out, you know, open up a dude ranch.
Where the only rule is no dudes.
Hey, how many we gotta get pregnant? Well, the whole process takes about three months.
So if we get a third each time, we got a herd.
Hey, what if we get 'em all pregnant the first time? Yeah, what if we found out old Mable shot Coors Light out of her udder? Yeah.
But what if we did? Man, Dad would come down here and shower us with hugs and love, take us to the Olive Garden.
Both his approval and the bread sticks will be endless.
Look Let's just do a good job, go to the bar and get drunk, so we can talk about what a good job we did.
Actually, can't go to the bar tonight.
Oh, yeah, me neither.
We should stay home and read books.
That's a good one.
Going out with Abby.
Now that her and Kenny are broke up, taking her on our first official date.
Oh, man, I've been waiting 15 years for this.
Pretty excited.
I'm also pretty deep in this cow's ass right now.
Hey, you know what you should do? You should get one of those tuxedo condoms, put it on your junk, take a picture and send it to her, and say, "I'm all dressed up and ready for our date.
" You know, I was talking about how you never get laid? Shit like that's the reason why.
Also got one that looks like Pinocchio's nose.
Throw it on your junk, just start lying.
All right.
We're ready.
Let me just set the mood.
Oh, come on, man.
We gotta do this every time? Yeah.
It relaxes 'em.
All right, Mable.
You are a princess.
Let us put a baby inside you, I promise, I will eat more chicken.
Here we go.
Nice and easy.
You know, the ranching doesn't work out, you always got your singing career to be bad at.
Dad, better take down Mable's Farmers Only profile, 'cause she is currently in a relationship with Rooster's hand.
How long did you warm the sample straw? Forty seconds.
Supposed to be 45.
Okay.
Did you have the gun at a 40-degree angle? Of course, Dad.
Seen you do this 1,000 times.
I know what I'm doing.
You know, watching and doing are two different things.
Probably why you got everything in the wrong place.
The semen is inside the vagina.
Yeah, Dad, you're nitpicking now.
- "Nitpicking"? - Yeah.
If you go in there at the wrong angle and deposit in a blind spot, this cow is not gonna take.
And if this cow doesn't take, we don't have a calf.
We don't have a calf to sell.
How do I make this resonate? You got no more beer money.
You got no more money for whatever it is that makes you smell like lilacs.
Dad, we got this.
Yeah? How many you get done this morning? Old Mable here's number three.
Did three.
Been at this all morning, you only done three? And why in the fuck are you naming the cows? Look.
We're taking our time, we're going slow, we make sure we get it right, okay? We only got three more to do today, we're fine.
I just found four more in estrus.
So, you've got to get through ten today.
Okay, no problem.
So we got ten to do today.
We're good.
You don't need any help? No, Dad, we're good.
All right.
You got this.
Just do your best.
I love you.
- Whoa.
- Thanks, Dad.
I was talking to old Mable.
You started having live music? Oh, it's a new thing I've been trying on Friday nights for about eight years.
Good Lord! I've been sittin' here for eight years? What are you doing here, Beau? Put the boys in charge of inseminating the herd.
Wow.
What you said made sense.
Wow.
You put the boys in charge and I made sense.
Finish this sentence "Hillary Clinton is" The devil.
All right.
So you're still a crazy, old man.
That's good.
- How are they doing? - They're doing it wrong.
Are they doing it wrong or are they doing it without you? Yes.
Went out there to help.
Couldn't bear to watch.
Did you go out there to help or to criticize? Yes.
Well, you couldn't have expected it to go easy.
I mean, it's a big change.
We all know you don't deal that well with change.
That's not true.
Last year, I switched from briefs to boxers and then back to briefs.
Never thought there could be such a thing as too much freedom.
Wow, what's next? You gonna switch from Heinz to Hunts, then back to Heinz? Don't be ridiculous.
Hunts is shit.
You know, you pour that stuff with a very heavy hand.
Beau, did you come here to drink or to criticize? Yes.
You know, don't start in on everyone else just 'cause the boys won't let you boss them around.
I'm politely trying to tell you that you're wasting money.
Well, I'm just politely trying to tell Goodbye, Beau.
Always a pleasure, Mags.
Hey, bub.
Your guitar's out of tune.
Jolene, my name is Colt.
This is my brother Rooster.
And we are about to have a beautiful night together.
Hey, don't make it weird.
Just clean off her ass so I can get her pregnant.
I heard that from outside.
So glad there's a cow in here.
What you doing here? Hey.
Whoo! That is farm fresh, isn't it? Ooh.
What you smell is responsibility.
No, what I smell is ass.
And roses? Ah! Close.
Hey, uh, I'm sorry about tonight.
I, uh, I I tried to call you, but my hand got close to my face and I started to get dizzy.
So I thought it's best to go with a text.
Yeah, I got it.
Also got another one that said "Send a picture of your boobs to Rooster's phone.
" Damn, Colt.
What the fuck is wrong with you? Uh Happy you stopped by.
- You look super cute.
- Thanks.
I just wanted to say hi.
I missed you.
Missed me? - Yeah.
- How much? Well, if circumstances were slightly different, like, if we weren't in this barn, and your brother wasn't around, and you didn't smell like cow shit I would be very, very turned on.
Okay.
Shoot Rooster, go to the hayloft, plug your nose and we are good to go.
Hey, you guys gonna hook up? You want me to leave? You want me to stay? Actually, I gotta go.
I'm meeting my mom for dinner.
So, I just wanted to come say hi and give you something to eat.
What? Oh, my God.
What do you - You brought burgers? - Oh! Damn, Abby, not cool.
What would you do if you went for a sonogram and the nurse just finished up a meal of a baby? Uh, the first thing I'd do is go to a different hospital.
Bye, Rooster.
Hey Thank you.
Lilacs.
Ass and lilacs, that's what it is.
Bye.
- I'm starving.
- Hmm.
Oh.
Oh, like you wouldn't eat us if you had the chance.
All right.
What the hell is Dale doing? How long does it take to see if a cow is pregnant? The test don't take a long time.
It's waiting for 'em to stop crying and come out of the bathroom.
If Dale takes as long at his job as you two take at yours, he's gonna be in there a while.
Hey, that's hurtful, Daddy.
Thought we were just three guys talking.
Oh.
It's Abby.
Hey, Ab Hey, Dad, what's the most amount of cows you got pregnant? Out of ten? Nine.
How many we gotta get to, uh, make you happy? Nine.
How many we gotta get to keep you from hating us? Nine.
You know how it is.
This isn't an exact science.
Hey, what did Abby say? She leaving you for me? Her mom got in a car accident.
Oh, shit.
I'm an asshole.
Is she okay? Yeah, she a little banged up and bruised.
Got her down at the hospital, gonna give her some X-rays.
Abby says she should be okay.
All right, good.
You know what hit her? 'Cause my friend, Roger, got hit by a UPS truck.
"What can Brown do for you?" About $10K a month for 20 years.
She said I don't have to come down.
I think I'm gonna go to the hospital after we finish up here.
- Is Dale still not done? - I'm all finished.
You heard that from way over there? Got a new hearing aid.
I hear everything Charlene tells me now.
Apparently, I'm "emotionally distant.
" How many cows are pregnant? - One of 'em.
- One? - What? - Shit.
Don't worry, boys.
It These things happen.
Never happened on my watch.
Oh, come on, Beau.
Back in '82, the only thing you got pregnant was Maggie.
Great job.
Come on, Dad.
Even you said it's not an exact science.
Yeah, next time we'll get four or five! As far as I can see, you boys did the best you could possibly do, short of mounting those heifers yourselves.
You didn't do that, did you? All right, I'm gonna go down to the hospital and check on Abby.
Thank you, Dale.
This thing's incredible.
I can hear your dad talking down in the barn.
- What's he saying? - Whoa! He he says he loves you and you did the best you could.
I've gotta go.
One cow.
One fucking cow out of ten.
Aw Wasn't that the lullaby you used to sing to the boys? Come on, first try, one cow.
It's not so bad.
So much of it is luck anyway.
How would you feel if they came in here and paid for one out of ten beers? Oh! I'd be ecstatic.
I'm sure the next batch will go better.
Yeah, it will.
I'm gonna take it back over again.
Beau, you gave them the job, you have to let them finish it.
I've seen enough to know that it was a mistake to trust them with this.
Yeah, it took you 35 years to give them a chance.
Why not give up on 'em right away? Maggie, they were playing Star Wars with the sperm gun.
Rooster was waving it around saying "Mable, I am your father.
" Okay.
Well, that's kind of funny.
I No.
I've been through a lean year, been through a fire, been through a drought.
The only thing I can't seem to get through is my own two sons.
Unbelievable.
What? Well, you're happy, aren't you? Oh, yeah, I'm I'm feeling great.
Yee-haw! I'm farting rainbows.
No.
If those boys were to knock up the whole damn herd, that would mean they didn't need you anymore, that you were wrong.
Do you think I want them to fail? Yeah.
And I think you want to be the only one to fix it.
This is too important to leave to Luke Spermwalker.
Well, breeding season is three months long.
So, give them the first month, maybe they'll surprise you.
If not, you still have time to do it your way.
Fine.
But if they screw it up I'm blaming you.
That's the magic of divorce.
You blame me, I don't give a shit.
Colt.
Hey.
How'd it go at the hospital? Fractured ankle, couple of bumps and bruises.
Loving being the center of attention.
Milking it for all it's worth.
You know.
Mom.
You, uh, there all by yourself? No.
Dad was there.
Aunt Susan, Uncle Jimmy.
As always, Jimmy asked one of the nurses if he could get a hernia exam.
She said "Sure," and she calls her colleague in, Frank.
His hernia cleared up real quick.
- Anybody else? - Security eventually came.
Escorted Jimmy out.
And a couple of friends.
Anybody I know? Nope, I don't think so.
There is a separate question.
Is your mom sharing a room with someone Kenny knows? Oh, my God.
- Yeah, I came down there.
- Mmm-hmm.
Saw you talking to Kenny.
Saw you hugging Kenny.
I saw my fist go through a wall.
Then I saw a nurse on the third floor, who gave me an X-ray.
Why wouldn't you just say you knew? I wanted to see if you'd lie to me.
And then you did.
Oh, my hand's fine by the way, it's just a bone bruise.
This is for your mom.
Okay Listen, the only reason why I lied is 'cause I knew you'd make a big deal about it for no reason.
How did he even know what happened? I called him.
- You called him? - Yeah, I called him.
And I called you, and I called a bunch of people.
Okay? He's close with my mom.
He'd want to know.
It's not a big deal.
Oh, it's not a big deal that the guy that you dated for five years, and then were gonna marry, is the guy you depend on when something goes wrong? It's not like that.
I didn't ask him to come.
- He just showed up like you did.
- Oh, oh, oh Okay.
So your dad gets his hand caught in a wood chipper, Kenny's just gonna show up at the hospital? Not sure that's the worst part of that scenario.
I don't want you talking to him anymore.
Excuse me? You seriously just say that to me? Yeah, I did.
I'm your boyfriend now, not him.
All right.
So that's how it's gonna be.
All right, well, I dated Brad down at the 76.
Come on.
This You gonna forbid me to pump gas? Of course not, I think Wait, Brad? The guy who sells ferrets? Seriously? Mmm-hmm.
Look, I'm sorry if this makes you uncomfortable, but, I mean, I couldn't avoid Kenny, even if I wanted to.
Oh! So you admit that you don't want to.
We're in each other's lives.
We have the same friends.
He spent the last five years of holidays with my family.
My Netflix list is on his account.
Why you got pictures of you and him all over your house? Uh, 'cause we broke up a week ago and I haven't had time to get rid of every memory of him.
This is not a high school movie, where I'm gonna cut his face out of every picture and burn all the letters.
My dad burned all my mom's shit, so Colt, those pictures are memories.
They're a part of my life like Kenny is.
My God.
All we do is fucking fight.
I just want to be the person you call when something goes wrong.
Colt, you are.
You're the only one that I want to be with.
How can I make you see that? Tell me I'm an asshole, and then come over here and make out with me so hard that I'll learn my lesson.
Come here.
I I'm sorry that I made you question that.
And I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Kenny being there.
Okay? - Yeah.
- Okay.
I'm sorry that I tried to trap you.
And that I doubted your feelings for me.
I'm also sorry that I kicked the head off your Denver Broncos garden gnome.
I don't have a garden gnome.
That's Mrs.
Williger's next door.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Does she also have a bird bath that I'm sorry I peed in? - Hey.
- Hey, sweetheart.
Hey, how's everything with Abby? Well we got in a big fight.
'Cause she lied to me about Kenny being at the hospital, and then, of course, she gets mad at me for trapping her into a lie.
But we managed to work everything out.
Bottom line is she trusts me, and I trust her, and everything's fine.
Yeah, cool.
I meant "Is her mom dead?" But we can talk about you.
What's going on? Just got here.
Telling Mom what an asshole Dad's being.
Yeah, I was telling Rooster how the sky is blue.
Hey, Mom, can I get a beer? We get the "Mean Dad" discount, right? If that's a thing, I'm owed a massive refund.
Hey, your dad was in earlier today.
I calmed him down, so I think you'll get another shot at the herd.
- Serious? - Yeah.
Just don't do anything to annoy him, like, no goofing around, no cracking jokes, and no smiling.
So, act like him.
Exactly.
Just saying, it would help if you could just die a little inside.
All right, well, thanks, Mom.
- We got a big day tomorrow.
- Yeah.
I don't think I'm gonna drink tonight.
Yeah, you know, me neither.
Oh, good for you, boys.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Beer's not drinking.
Oh, check it out.
There's your best friend, Kenny.
Yeah.
All right, I should probably go talk to him.
Why? He got a new girlfriend you wanna steal? Just feel bad.
Plus, Abby'd be happy if we all got along.
Bottom line is, it's the grown up thing to do, right? I agree.
So maybe grown-ups should go talk to him.
Yeah, that's very funny.
Now, Rooster, you can live a totally normal life with herpes.
Like that's news to anybody in this bar.
Hey, Kenny.
You got a second? Well, I don't have a fiancée waiting for me at home.
So, why not? Yeah.
Um look, I know you and Abby are friends, and I know you're gonna see each other, so I just I don't want it to be weird if we run into each other here or somebody else opens up a bar in this town, there.
I just I just want you to know that I'm cool with everything.
You shouldn't be.
What? Abby and I should be together.
So are you gonna try to steal her from me? No.
I'm not gonna be like you.
I'm not gonna be the asshole who steals the girl.
I'm the good guy who the girl comes back to after the fling with the asshole.
And if you were thinking we were gonna hang out, I I gotta pass.
Abby's dad and I are going skiing tomorrow.
Yeah, he calls me "son.
" What's he call you? Oh, that's right "dipshit.
" That's it, yeah.
Good to see you, man.
"Dipshit"? Oh, you know what? I ain't cool with you hanging out with Abby anymore.
Please don't tell her I said that.
How many cows we got lined up for today? Uh three so far, and hopefully some more this afternoon.
Oh, hey.
You're a NASCAR driver.
Who's your sponsor? That's easy.
Two things I can't live without Trojan condoms and Cocoa Puffs.
Come on, man, you don't wear condoms.
Yeah, but they don't know that.
- Oh-ho.
- Who's yours? Oh, man, that's easy.
I'm putting Chuck Norris on the hood of my car.
Chuck don't sponsor cars.
Yeah, whatever.
Look in your rearview mirror, you see Walker bearing down on you, you get the fuck out the way.
Mmm-hmm.
- I was thinking about Kate Upton - Lambert.
Lambert.
No, Kate Up - Hey.
What're you doing? - Dad? Inseminating the herd.
Cows are all set.
What? You started without us? Yep.
I finished without you, too.
You said this is ours.
You gave it to us.
Now I'm taking it back.
What do you mean you're taking it back? 'Cause we had bad luck with the first ten? What? It ain't even been a week.
That's long enough for me to know you're not ready.
You didn't even give us a chance.
- You Mom said that you were gonna - Stop.
It's done.
Maybe you can try again next year.
Turn the cow out, put that stuff away.
Fuck!