The Unicorn (2019) s01e16 Episode Script

1 - Hey, Wade.
- Hey.
Uh what's up? Place where I rent my backhoes says I owe them, but for some reason I-I can't find the invoice.
Oh, I can think of one possible reason.
- This is a huge disorganized nightmare.
- Oh, yeah.
You're right.
Jill used to handle my paperwork for me.
But I have a system, and the system works, okay? Is this a box of rocks you got here? No, those are rock samples.
Will you please put them back in the rock department? - Okay.
- Do you want us to help? Yes, that would be great.
It's a-a pink invoice from Cramber Equipment Rental.
- What's it look like? - It's paper.
It's pink.
It's a rectangle.
Do you want our help or not? Oh.
Sick burn.
I'm-I'm sorry.
Look, Nat, I'm a little stressed.
I just landed this big project, and I've got to get all my ducks in a row.
You guys remember Denny and Jeannette? - Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
We love Denny and Jeannette.
Yeah, well, he left her.
Good.
- Phew.
- Oh, my gosh.
- He sucks.
- What a dud.
- Boo.
- Yeah, well, he also just hired me to do his new house.
- Oh.
- Hey, look at you.
- Oh, he's gonna be fun.
- How about you, Forrest? How's your job search going? Oh, great.
Great.
Yeah, there's just so many different kinds of opportunities out there, you know? I sent out three résumés this morning.
- Oh, wow.
Hey, good for you.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
He's getting really into it.
Did you, uh, follow up with any of them? No.
Just sent 'em out this morning, so Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
No, it's just, it's just good to be proactive.
True.
For sure.
But trust me when I say you just don't want to come off as too aggressive.
Well, I'm sure you're right.
- I am.
- Okay.
Are you sure? Yes.
Sure am.
Oh, wow, there's a spider in there! - Where? - Spider! Spider! - Oh - Hey, buddy.
- Let's get you outside.
- Yeah.
Oh, hey.
Hey, look at that.
He's sitting on top of the pink invoice.
Good for you.
Get it out of here.
Yeah.
No, no, no! Jeannette and I had a great run, but I'm kind of ready to get back in the jungle.
Back to my primal instincts.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Uh, so is that a, uh is that a yes or a no on the juniper? You're the expert.
See, I got that new Porsche right there.
Damnedest thing.
Everywhere I go, it leaves a trail of panties behind.
Yeah, so I'm gonna, I'm gonna yes.
That's a yes on the juniper.
Yeah, okay, now over here, I, um, I definitely want to take out the fountain.
- Mm-hmm.
- And I'm thinking about a-a baby red maple.
Now, trust me, it's gonna look so beautiful in the fall.
Right on.
So, you've been single for what, about a year now? - Yeah.
- Where have you been going to meet chicks? I-I-I don't I don't know, Denny.
I guess I met some really nice women at the PTA meeting last night.
Hot mamas, huh? I'm guessing, to crack that posse, you have to have kids.
Why didn't Jeannette and I have kids? Well, I don't know that that's a-a great reason to have kids.
But-but, hey, you know what, let's, uh, let's talk about fruit trees.
- Let's - Hey, I got an idea.
Is it in any way related to the landscaping? Come on, of course.
I suggest we meet at a bar and discuss plants and crap over drinks, and you can give me tips on dialoguing the hardbodies.
Uh, look, Denny, I don't really dialogue anyone, let alone the hardbodies.
And I, uh, I have to meet a couple of clients later on today.
Great.
To be continued Friday at the clizzub.
- That means club.
- I know what it means.
I just can't believe you said it.
Hey.
What's up, Meg? - Thanks for watching the kids.
- No problem.
Dad, did you know that if you go to prison, you get to go to the gym for free? What have you got my kids watching? A documentary on the justice system.
This is Passion on Parole.
Well, I put the closed captions on, so at least they're reading.
Okay, catch me up.
Okay, so this lady cheated on her husband, and then her husband went to jail.
And then she was like, "I'm gonna murder this lady" - No.
- Come on.
Oh Okay, so how was the game? - We won by two, and I almost made - Uh-huh.
Really? Oh, you got to stop.
That's enough sports talk for me.
I don't like sports.
It's bad.
I could, but you know - it's gonna take a very long time.
- Hi.
Pizza! Pizza! Yay! Look, the check is in the mail.
No, I know that the check is not in your hand, Jack, because it's in the mail.
Okay? Okay.
All right, bye-bye.
Oh, man, I got to put that check in the mail.
I just got to find it.
Hey, Wade, if you need help, you know, Meg is a bookkeeper.
- What are you doing? - What do you need help with? I don't know that I need anything, necessarily.
Sure you do.
And she'll hook you up with the friends and family discount.
- Right, Meg? - Mm-hmm.
What are you doing? Oh, okay, yeah, Meg, I could I could use your help.
- Mm.
- Wade, you don't have to use Meg just because Ben asked you in front of her.
I feel like I kind of have to.
Do you see what you did? I thought you'd be happy.
She's your sister.
She had your kids watching prison shows.
That doesn't make her a bad accountant, baby.
That just makes her a bad babysitter.
And she wouldn't even be here except for you didn't want to pay Grace.
Don't say that in front of Wade.
I can't believe you.
Why don't you try thinking before you start talking? I was thinking.
I was thinking that she wanted a job, and you wanted a free babysitter.
It-It's so much fun coming over here.
- Yeah, it's nice.
We're having - Right? It is.
- Yeah, it's fun.
- Yeah.
Hey, how are my books coming? Sorry I let it get so out of hand.
Got a question.
- Who is Norwood? - Mm.
He's one of my guys.
You have given him seven advances on his salary.
The way you throw cash at this guy, I was like, what, is he blackmailing you? Y'all commit crimes together? - You can tell me, I'm not a narc.
- No, no, no, no.
He's a good man.
His elderly parents just moved in with him, which is why he, uh, misses so much work.
He misses work, so you pay him more? Well, I mean, not for missing the work.
And this client has owed you $1,200 for eight years? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's Mr.
Anderson.
He's a great old guy.
He gave Grace his grandmother's old tea set for Christmas one year.
That tea set worth $1,200? God, I hope not.
We sold it at our yard sale for a buck-fifty.
Hey, everybody.
I'm home.
- Hey, you.
- Oh ! Oh, good Lord.
- Hi.
- Margarita.
Rocks.
No salt.
And just a splash of naranja.
Oh.
This is my favorite drink.
At 5:22.
- Yeah, about that.
- It's, uh, great to have you at home.
Um I'm, I'm just gonna - I'm just gonna put that there.
- Yeah.
- How was your day? - It was good.
Good, good.
A little more ringworm than I would like.
Does it smell like, uh pork tenderloin? Yes, it does.
- Wow.
Smells delicious.
- Yeah.
I had it for lunch.
- The whole tenderloin? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Did you leave the house? - Yes.
I went and I returned Addie's shoes.
And then I went to the grocery store, got a haircut, mustache trim, and, uh, then well, that's it.
I came back, and then I-I scanned the job sites.
Uh-huh.
How'd that go? They are in.
- In ? - The system.
Well, that's where you want 'em, in the old system.
- In the system.
- Yeah.
So, is there somebody that you could? No.
That's not how it works.
You know, they have to initiate.
- But can't it ? - No.
- You can't just ? - Not not how it works.
Not how it works.
Oh, well.
- Here, this.
- Oh.
- Okay, well - Bang.
- It's great to have you at home.
- Aw.
Mmm.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, Dad.
Um You're clearly busy, so we're just gonna go feed the dogs.
Whoa.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Hey, what, what-what's going on? - Okay.
We'll level with you.
You know how we have two dogs? - Yes.
- Well, now we have three.
Well, that is not really up to you.
I mean, come on, guys.
I mean, three dogs? That-That's a lot.
Uh, but he was alone and scared and he doesn't have a collar.
Isn't he cute? Yes.
I mean He is a cute little fella.
Oh, hi.
Okay, all right.
We'll take him to the vet, find out if he's chipped, and if nobody comes to claim him in a few days, we'll talk.
- Thanks, Dad.
- You're the best.
Come on, Jeff.
Oh, Jeff.
Seriously? Your problems couldn't be more obvious.
Norwood, that teacup guy, now that dog? I'm alone, I'm hungry.
You want to adopt me? Well Okay, yes, I do I I have a thing for strays.
But I am having a great year, Meg.
Come on.
You've seen my receivables.
Well, you're not receiving them.
- And until you do, things are tight.
- How tight? Because I know it's a big project, but I'm gonna drop Denny Lang.
I can't deal with him.
If you weren't so cute, I would slap you for saying something so stupid.
- But Denny is - We're done.
Yeah, that was a natural end to the conversation.
Denny.
Ooh.
Wade.
I'm so glad you made it.
Yeah, you kidding me? Wouldn't miss it.
Now, look, I've had that argument before, okay? There's no such thing as assless chaps.
Chaps don't have asses.
- It's redundant.
- Here you are.
You know what I'm s ? See, buddy? That's why I need your advice.
That was my "A" material.
Yeah, yeah, well, uh, speaking about material, how do you feel about board-formed concrete? It's a little more expensive, but for your place, I really think it's worth it.
Wade, you know money's no object.
Now, you're a good friend and you're trying to help me out, but I know you know money is no object with me.
Hmm.
Yeah, well, in that case, why don't we do a river rock fire pit? Hey, ladies, do you love river rock? Do the ladies love river rock? Uh, I don't know, man.
Otters love it.
Come on! Man! For the time being, we're just two guys sitting on fat wallets with no responsibilities.
We can talk shop later.
Well, I have two kids and a mortgage.
And two or-or three dogs.
You know what you don't have? - What? - A shot.
Bartender.
Can I have a shot for my buddy? And in fact, shots all around on me! Yeah! Yay.
I am exhausted.
So, I reconciled all of Wade's accounts.
I got him set up on QuickBooks.
I basically saved his whole business.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
So I guess you were wrong about me.
- Did you sleep with him? - What? Me? He didn't want to.
Even after I pressed the twins up against him when I was showing him his spreadsheet, and that is, like, my signature move.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
Meg.
How'd it go with Wade? Good.
Good.
Did she sleep with him? Not for lack of trying.
- Oh.
- He is a tough little nut.
He sure is.
What a minx.
So, um - can I ask you a question? - Mm-hmm.
So, you and Ben were really going at each other the other night.
Oh, we were? What were we fighting about? About Meg and the whole Wade thing.
Oh, right, right, right.
Yeah, it's just gone.
What do you mean, it's just gone? I mean, it's gone.
That's why we fight, to get it out.
Okay, that-that-that-that-that's what I want to ask.
Like, how-how do you do that? Because I I don't know.
Ever since Forrest lost his job, I just feel like I'm just walking on eggshells around him all the time.
It's it's been a little tense.
Ugh, it's just been really tense.
And I don't know why.
Delia's awesome.
You know that.
- Everybody knows that.
- She is.
And I've been trying to make me being at home a positive.
You know? I've reorganized the entire house.
He put everything in the wrong place.
I can't find any of my stuff.
I am an active and involved listener.
I ask her about her day.
The moment I walk in, it's like the Spanish Inquisition.
Look, I'm telling you, Delia, when you feel like you're about to burst, burst.
Let it out.
Clear the air.
Don't keep it bottled up.
It's not good for your colon, it's not good for your marriage.
Mm-hmm.
Uh bup, bup, bup.
What do you have in your hand? - My backpack.
- Your other hand.
Oh.
Um, a dog.
Yeah, we couldn't really just leave him at home by himself.
U-Uh, yeah, and, um, he likes to chew on things.
And-and poop on other things.
Uh-uh.
No way.
He is making love to my boots.
Take him back to your house.
Wow.
So you're a nurse.
Nurse practitioner.
Do you get a lot of Jet Ski injuries? 'Cause I was thinking of buying one of those.
That's cool.
- What's your deal? - No deal.
Do you come here a lot? No.
No, no, never.
I-I don't really do a lot of bars.
I, uh, I'm usually at home with my little girls.
Oh, that is so sweet.
How long have you been divorced? He's not divorced.
His wife died.
Oh We are so sorry.
Thanks.
I'm okay.
Yeah, it's rough.
I lost my wife, too.
You did? Well, I guess technically that's true.
- She's in a better place now.
- She's in Pittsboro.
She always wanted to end up there.
- That's so sad.
- Mm.
- Yeah, well, I got Wade.
- Mm.
And Wade's got me.
And now we have you guys.
Denny, can I talk to you for a minute? Yeah, sure.
Excuse us.
Hey, man, what the hell is wrong with you? You're telling these women that Jeannette died? No, I'm not.
I can't help it if they jump to that conclusion and we all end up in my hot tub.
You know what? I-I can't be a part of this.
Hey, what the hell's wrong with you, man? We should be helping each other out.
Us single guys, we're in the same boat.
We're not in the same boat.
We're not even in the same ocean.
You chose to leave your wife.
My wife died.
You would rather be here.
I would rather be home with my daughters.
I'm sorry.
You're right.
This place is completely lame.
But the night is still young.
Oh, Denny, the night's not young.
The night is over.
And, honestly, you know what? This you and me this isn't working.
You're gonna have to find someone else to do your yard.
Even if it means that Norwood and his family have to move into my garage.
Whoa, who the hell's Norwood? Good night, Denny.
Oh, man, Meg is gonna have my ass.
Hey.
Hey, I'm sorry if I was a little snippy earlier.
I just I didn't have my apples and nut butter, and my blood sugar just cratered.
- No that's not what it was.
- Okay.
It wasn't.
You're right.
No, it's - I had a 3 Musketeers bar and it spiked.
- No, Forrest, we have issues and we have not been dealing with them.
You're right.
Do you know what we need? We need to fight.
But I would crush you.
What? No.
Also, are you sure about that? Uh, no.
But we do.
We need to have it out.
Like Ben and Michelle.
That's not how we do.
I know.
It's not how I was raised.
I mean, my parents never fought.
Oh, man, mine did.
Oh, man, it was brutal.
Right up until they got a divorce.
But they get along now, of course, you know, since they met their new wives.
Yeah, but I don't want to wait until I'm married to a woman.
- I want us to be happy now.
- Okay.
- I'm in.
I'll do it.
Let's go.
- All right.
- Let's fight.
- Let's fight.
How do you ? I guess we should probably set some ground rules, maybe? Yeah.
That's a good idea.
Like, uh - well, no hair pulling.
- You're joking.
I get it.
Ha-ha-ha.
- Just trying to lighten the mood a little bit - No, I know, but it's just, I'm trying to start a fight with you, and you're just not really cooperating.
Oh, I see, so now you're micromanaging our fights, too.
Maybe if you could just take it a little more seriously than, like, oh, I don't know, say, like, your job search.
I take that seriously.
Then why do you change the subject every time I try to help you? Because you're not helping me.
You're just pushing my buttons.
You're pushing, pushing, pushing! - What buttons?! - All of my buttons! You're such a doctor.
You just diagnose a problem, prescribe a pill, and then it's all supposed to go away.
Poof.
Oh.
Well, you're a terrible patient.
Because I keep diagnosing you, and you're just not interested in anything I'm prescribing.
Because you're wrong! I-I try to explain it to you, - and then you make that face, right there.
- What face? - The crinkly eyebrows - That's my face! That's my face, Forrest! - No, you crinkle up your eyebrows.
- Yes, it is.
- No, I'm not.
- No, like it hurts your brain - No.
- to try and understand what I'm saying.
You're like, "Oh, why don't you try this? Why don't you try that?" - I'm trying everything.
- Oh, you've tried everything? - I've tried everything! - Oh, everything? - Yes.
- Well, have you tried putting on pants - before 11:00 a.
m.
? - You said you loved my legs.
I love your legs when they are walking to a job! I Oh What is ? Oh, God.
What's happening? Forrest.
Do you even love me anymore? - Do I love you anymore? - No, I just - How can you even ask me - I said that - do I love you? - I thought it for a second.
- I just thought it for a second, and I said - Forrest, you are my world.
- Yeah? Oh, God, thank God.
- You're my world.
- You're my world.
- God! - You're my world.
- I hate fighting! - It's terrible.
- This is awful.
- It's the worst.
- Worst.
- I love you so much.
I love you.
- I love you so much.
- I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
- I love you.
I love you.
- I love you.
I love you.
- I love you.
I love you.
No Are you two okay? - Yes.
- Yeah.
- We're great.
- Yeah, really good.
- We're really good.
- Yeah.
Oh, no.
Damn it.
Damn it! Denny, you can't get in the car, man.
I know.
It's so low to the ground.
Give me the keys.
Come on.
Are you okay, man? I'm a turd.
You're not a Look, come on, what-what, what's going on? No, I screwed up, Wade.
Thought I was gonna have this awesome new life, and it's all a mess.
You know what I ate today? I had a frozen burrito, and I guess I didn't microwave it long enough, 'cause when I took a bite, it chipped a tooth, except I don't even know where to get it fixed because Jeannette made all my dental appointments for me.
Can you tell me who my dentist is, Wade? Can you help me? Yes.
Come on.
Let's get you home.
Ow.
Will you still do my yard? Yes.
If you will promise to try to stop acting like such a As a turd? I promise.
Your dentist is Dr.
Vogler.
I used to see Jeannette there.
Will you make an appointment for me? I'll teach you how.
- Hey.
- Hey, Wade.
Um Thanks for helping me get home the other night.
Yeah.
Right.
And, oh, I, uh I brought your check.
Thanks, Denny.
- Who's this little guy? - Oh, uh, this is Jeff.
He's, uh, a very good chewer.
- Can you please scooch? - Hmm? - You're smooshing me.
- I'm smooshing you? - Yeah, you're smooshing me.
- Am I smooshing you? You're the one that's smooshing me.
I'm just sitting here, doing my thing.
- Are we that gross after we fight? - Hell nah.
When we do it, we're sexy.
Oh, Mr.
Jeff, you want to go play? Want to go play outside, Mr.
Jeff? Huh? Mr.
Jeff gonna play outside? Well, I think I may have found a home for Jeff.
Mm, well, you got rid of one stray, - and you're taking in another.
- Uh, Denny's not a stray.
He's a good guy.
He's just going through a rough patch, and he needs a friend.
You don't need more friends.
How about a friend who brought a big check? - Well, that you could use more of.
- See? I can be a good businessman and a good person.
Well, that's what makes you you.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
Hi.
- Do ? - Why not? People hug.
- Ah.
Okay.
Okay.
- Let's hug.
- Oh - Mm.
Oh, that feels good.
It feels really good.
- Yes.
- Let go of the man, Meg.
- Okay.
- Oh Wow, you work out.
Those arms I felt every muscle.
- Do you have a fenced-in yard? - Yes.
- How high's the fence? He's a jumper.
- Five feet.
He needs to go on at least four walks a day.
You can't mess with his ears.
He'll bite you.
Nice dogs, not biters.
Oh, yeah.
Make sure you don't have chocolate in the house.
- Also, he needs a new collar - Uh Wade? - You gonna help him, or ? - Uh, no.
No, no-no.
He's, he's good.
I guess Denny isn't such a bad guy after all.
Yeah, he likes dogs.
- Jeff better not tear up that sweet Porsche.
- Ooh.
- He's got a Porsche? - And a Land Rover.
Oh - I like dogs, too.
- No, you don't.
You don't know me.
I'm gonna go out and pet that scruffy little guy.
Ooh, yes.
I don't know who to warn to stay away from who.