Undeclared s01e16 Episode Script

Not again.
Steven, you have to knock first.
Shut up, and don't say my name.
Steven.
It's the police.
Ha ha.
I'm just kidding.
It's your father.
Remember me? Can't he spend 2 days without dropping by unannounced? I'm in college.
I need my space.
Well, I feel bad for hal.
He is lonely.
I I know.
I just wish he could be lonely by himself sometimes.
So so if you, uh, need any help, I could help you with the, uh Human pretzel icebreaker.
You know, it could be fun.
Yeah.
Thanks, lucien.
I think me and my residents can handle it.
Oh, well, ok.
Well, I'm available.
You know that, right? - Yep.
- Excuse me.
Uh, uh, hi.
Mr.
Steven karp's dad, huh? Yes.
Hal karp.
Hal karp.
Uh, this is, uh, hillary.
She's the head r.
A.
Hello, parent.
Me r.
A.
You "r" a dad.
Uh, listen, I haven't seen steven in days, and I'm beginning to worry that he's in some kind of trouble.
Um, ok.
Lucien, can we borrow your room-slash-office for a second? Then my wife left me, and now I'm waiting tables.
And, uh, I should have gone back to college, but now it's too late.
Oh, no, hal.
It's never too late.
Your life is just starting.
There are 75-year-old yogis in india who wrestle tigers for a living.
You're so great.
- I am, and you know what? - So are you.
I mean, come on.
You're relatively young.
You're good-looking.
Wow.
You're really amazing at this.
I am, really? Yes.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I don't get that very much around here, you know.
I don't like to be the bad guy.
I confiscate their bongs for a reason.
It's just Hal Would you do me a favor? Anything.
Dare to believe in yourself.
Really? And remember, you are never too old for anything.
Ow! Oh, my ass.
Oh! Steven! Steven! Where's steven? Uh Oh, man.
You gotta come with me.
It's horrible.
Hurry, hurry, hurry.
- Oh.
- Mmm.
Daddy? Shh.
Oh, my god.
What was he doing? Look, my psyche professor would say this is typical behavior for a divorced man.
I mean, he's just seeking affection.
Ruining your son's life is typical behavior? Your professor's a dope.
Yeah, like you would know.
Look, I mean, you want your dad to give you space? So just give him space.
I mean, how would you feel if he said that you and I couldn't date? I know.
You're right.
It just ew, it sucks.
Yeah, it sucks.
Wanna go see if hal's ridin' the pony? Aw, crap.
Come on.
Thanks for carrying my backpack.
I know it's heavy.
Ha.
No problem.
I got I got 2 shoulders, you know.
One for me and one for you.
Oh.
Look.
Oh.
Um, so maybe, uh You wanna go to the student union with me, and we could play some games right now? Uh Yeah, you know, I have to get my my new student I.
D.
, my hair looking good Right.
Yeah.
Yeah, I should do that, too.
Maybe, uh, I'll come by your room later? I've got sunshine on a cloudy day when it get a little cold outside, now, baby I've got the month of may hey, you mind if I play? It's more fun with 2.
Kikuki? Cookie? Um, so, I'm marshall.
Yeah.
Uh, I don't know what that means.
Dude, m-marshall never came home last night.
Maybe he hooked up.
Heh.
Yeah.
Maybe he's dead.
Ha ha.
Hey, fellas.
This is kikuki.
Hi.
Hi.
Here we go again with the cookies.
Thank you.
Every time we meet somebody.
Ha ha.
Oh.
It's like a tradition.
Isn't she cute? Cutie kikuki.
Hey, marshall, I was Oh, hey, rache.
UhThis is kikuki.
Ah.
She doesn't speak any english.
She's, like, all japanese.
She doesn't speak any english? Uh-uh.
Heh.
That's unbelievable.
Hey, it's like you found the perfect girl.
She gave me this electronic translator.
Check this out.
YouAre soCute.
How cool is that? It's like we're on the cutting edge of dating.
It's like we're on a chat page, but we're standing right here.
Um, let's go to my room.
Thank you.
Well, I mean, it'll never last.
She's got the boobs of a 6-year-old.
And she's, like, dumb.
Well, I don't think a dumb girl is necessarily wrong for marshall.
Yeah.
And I don't even think she's dumb necessarily.
She's just she seems dumb 'cause she's foreign.
Hah! Like lloyd.
I'm gonna hurt you when you least expect it.
Oh, my hand is so much smaller than your hand.
Aah! Don't hurt me, giant! No! Hil-hillary? I can feel the stress in your neck.
Oh, god.
That feels really good.
Hey, karp.
Turn down that crap music.
Heh heh heh.
Actually, it's lloyd's stereo.
Too loud, ok? Bring it down, man.
Lucien, it's at 2.
Lloyd, I am not talking to you.
Listen here, karp.
People didn't enroll here at u.
N.
E.
C.
To listen to your cool music, ok? Cross me.
Just cross me, ok? 'Cause I would love to get you kicked out of this dorm.
And also remember this.
This face, take a good look.
It's your worst nightmare.
Yours, too, if you're not careful.
I'll bring you down.
The word can actually mean "small village" in, uhI believe it's uruguay.
I could be wrong.
Oh! Hey, there he is.
Oh, hey! It's the party people.
Uh, is this your floor? Yeah.
Uh, this is the, uh This is where I live.
Well, hey Oh.
Thanks so much Ok.
For helping me figure out where I was going.
Ok, uh, hal, is it? Hal.
Great.
Ok, then I'm just gonna be by myself now.
She is such a nice lady.
You know, I hadn't heard from you, and I was kinda worried how you're doing.
He's great.
I'm great.
Ok, I gotta go, and, uh, you know, I'm just gonna take the stairs down.
So, um, stay in touch.
Bye.
Yes! Konnichi-wa.
Konnichi-wa.
Hello.
Hmm.
Japa-knees.
Japanese.
No, no, no.
Um, japanese.
Japa-knees.
Knees Knees No, no, no, no, no.
Um Never mind.
MayIKiss you? Proceed.
Hey, you know, the chick with that purple hat thing.
Oh, yeah.
You know, I think that chick's got a twin sister.
What the hell, man? That's disgusting! What are you talking about? What am I the sink.
Look at that sink.
What, were you born in an elephant barn? No.
I that's actually not mine.
It was the guy with the enormous red beard him! He was here shaving, like, 5 minutes ago.
No way.
What? Ok, let's not play the blame game, ok, karp? I will write you up.
Clean it up, man! I'm serious! What the hell are you doing? Look what I got.
Oh, now, you better put that back.
That's the key to marshall's sex life.
Well, he shouldn't have left it out in the open.
He didn't leave it out in the open.
It was in his backpack.
Come on.
Let's go have some fun.
We gonna make out? Shh! You have reached the voice message center for Kikuki.
Shh! What did you type? I like to light my farts.
Oh, I got I got another one.
I got another one.
Where is the eel farm? Ok.
Here.
You think you are so hot, but you are so not.
That was kind of mean.
What did you do to make him so mad? No.
My dad my dad is having relations with hillary.
I haven't done anything.
Then do something.
Like what? Let's monkeyshine his ass.
Don't don't do that.
Don't monkeyshine.
Ok.
Unh! I gotta go to class.
Bye.
Bye.
So you a man or not? Monkeyshine.
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Who did this?! Who did this?! Who? Wh what happened? What happened what? Oh! I strapped myself here.
I have a girl coming by to pleasure me in a few minutes.
Are you serious? No! You moron! Now untie me! Don't worry.
I'll get my scissors.
Wha? One step over the line, buddy.
One step over the line.
Hey, that's that's that's my stuff.
Are are you buying a candy bar? No, I'm trying to buy my scissors! Did you get 'em? Oh, ho ho! walk you and kiss you and hold you oh, hillary what are you guys up to? Nothing.
Nothing.
Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! Yeah, that's really, really funny.
There's no more mr.
Nice guy, karp.
I'm writing you up.
Ok.
Lloyd, I'm watching you, too.
What did I do? Karp! Go to your room and pack your bags! What? You're not my dad.
No, I'm not your dad! If I was your dad, I would be nailing hillary! Ok? Now I am sending a judicial notice to the housing committee.
So you know what, buddy? You're gone, bye-bye, nice knowing you.
Now, I'm watching you, too, lizzie! Buttercup.
Ha! Son of a Why do you ignite your gas? What I don't know what that means.
Where is the eel farm? Where's the where's the eel farm? I don't I don't know.
Where is the eel farm? You tell me.
You make no sense.
I I make no sense? You make no sense.
You make no sense.
You make no sense.
You make no sense.
You make no sense.
You make no sense.
You make no sense! You make no sense! Stop yellin' at me! I've no idea why I ever listened to either of you, because both your ideas were, like, insane! "It's none of your business, karpy.
" Or, uh, "ohh, lets go monkeyshine lucien's ass!" I think that the problem was we just shined it too hard.
I just didn't think he'd actually kick you out.
If this is gonna be my last day, then I'm taking lucien down with me.
I'm in.
Ok.
Me, too.
Ohh! Yaa! So she's all mad at me, and the more she tries to explain it, the less sense she makes.
You know? She keeps asking me why I ignite my gas.
What the hell is that? You shouldn't have left your translator out where rachel could find it.
What? Ok.
We left some stupid messages on kookaroo's voicemail.
You and rachel? Yeah, I know.
It's like some kind of unholy alliance or something, but it was fun.
Rachel's trying to destroy my relationship with kikuki? Oh, no.
I wouldn't say that.
She's jealous! No, she is not jealous, man.
Yeah! No.
Rachel's she likes me! No, she really doesn't.
No yeah, rachel likes me! No! Whoo! Where are you going? Other than nuts? So, hal, steven is going to be very surprised by the news, you know? We have to be careful of his feelings.
So you're going to say Well, steven, hillary here has been helping me get it together, and we've become very close.
Hal, you have to make sure you're very kind, 'cause he's going to have a lot of questions, you know? He's just probably going to come at you like, "what are you, some kind of freak? Why would you date someone so much younger than you?" And then you're going to be like, "relax.
Love doesn't have an age.
" And then he's just going to come at you with all this stuff like, uh "Dad, everybody thinks she's crazy! "I mean, everybody says she's crazy.
She's on medication.
" And you should just be like, "what? "She's not crazy.
Everybody else is crazy.
"I mean, she doesn't take the medication 'cause it makes her sleepy.
Hello! "You know, it gets rid of her sex drive.
Oh, great, what a life.
" And then he's gonna be like, "she slept with all these guys! "She slept with everyone on the floor, dad.
Why don't you get it through your stupid, thick head?" Uh He might just start screaming, "she's a whore! "She tried to sleep with me, and I said no, and she's just doing this to get back at me!" And you have to just laugh and be like, "what?" Aah! What is all the racket? Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Guys! Guys! Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey! What the hell are you freshman idiots doing? What do you care? I'm already kicked out.
Why don't you kick me out, too? Yeah, me, too, lucien, if you're done watching me.
You are a dead man, karp! You want to take this outside, 'cause I'll take it outside! What? I don't want to take it outside.
Come on.
Let's take it outside! All right, I'll take it outside.
I'm not asking you to take it outside.
I'm asking steven to take it outside.
Well, why don't we all take it outside and see what happens? Yeah, ok, fine! Let's take it outside.
I don't wanna take it outside.
You said you were going to kick me out of the dorm.
I I was just bluffing.
I don't even have the power to do that.
Lucien! Have you lost control of this floor?! Hey, lloyd.
Hey.
Steven was doing slip-and-slides.
Steven, were you slipping and sliding? This is all your fault! If you do slip and slides one more time, I swear to god no! You don't tell me what to do! You don't tell me what to do! What?! Come here! Steve, steve! Now, get up! No! You're not my stepmother! Look what you have done to my dorm! You can't tell me what to do! Hillary, hillary, stop! Stop the madness! Everybody knows you're givin' it to steven's dad.
Oh, god.
Just look at this.
This is because of you.
You're so blind.
You're so blind, my sweet hillary.
You don't see the beauty in front of you.
Oh, darlin', when are you gonna take a chance on me? But, no, you just walk around 'causing more problems than you're solving.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry, everybody.
He's right.
I things have gotten a little out of control, but, uh We're gonna have a good time tonight.
I wanna let everybody know that the the muslim awareness pizza party has been changed from 5 p.
M.
To 6 p.
M.
We got pizza there.
We don't have any judgment.
We just have pizza there.
We just have pizza there.
I, uh I'm glad this happened.
I'm glad this happened.
This was I'm ok.
I'm all right.
Hello.
Mushi-mushi.
Mushi-mushi, kikuki.
It's marshall-san.
I can't do this anymore.
My heart belongs to rachel.
Intercourse you.
Hey, do you wanna go to the student union, play some pool, eat some food or something? Yeah, sure.
Hey, all right.
So you a good pool player? Yeah no, no.
I'm ok.
I'm, like, average.
What about you? You oh, I probably could beat you.
Really? UhSo did you ever get that student I.
D.
Stuff done or no.
Captioned by the national Www.
Ncicap.
Org what what did what? Hey! This this better not be permanent! Very funny! It's very, very funny.
Hello! Karp k-k-karp? Is that you? This wasn't here when I when I left this morning, this was not here.
Visually I could not see this.
Just go ahead and give me a hand.