Up All Night (2011) s01e16 Episode Script

I cannot believe that you are actually a minister.
[Ethereal music plays.]
Yes, my lamb.
I can marry people, bury people, grant wishes.
- Honey, you're not a genie.
- Oh.
You know, I am so honored that Amanda asked me to officiate her wedding.
And I need to honor her with the perfect outfit.
Next minister outfit, please.
Both: Ooh.
I like it.
You don't think it's just a little breasty? - Yes, totally breasty.
- Yeah.
- Oh, you mean in a bad way.
- Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
You're gonna have so much fun.
Man, I'd give anything to go.
But being on a plane for five hours with Amy, no thank you.
Don't they make, like, a little carrier thing for babies like they do for pomeranians? That way you could just stow her.
I'm gonna let you answer that question for yourself, honey.
But seriously, though, being stuck on a flight with a baby who's melting down, ugh, I hate to say this, but I hate those people.
I have called the cops on those people.
No, it'll be great.
It'll just be me and Kevin, which will be fun.
Although Bringing a boyfriend to a wedding is fraught.
It's nonstop, "when are you getting married?" "When are you gonna pop the question?" I'm like, "get the hell out of my face, mee-maw.
" And it's even worse for me, even though I have absolutely no desire to get married.
Not for me.
Not even with Kevin? No, I love Kevin.
But I am a strong single lady.
I'm Ava, I don't even need a last name.
I certainly don't need his.
Ugh, it's gonna be a challenging weekend.
God, give me strength.
Ooh, I think he heard me.
I felt him reach down and touch me with his E.
T.
finger.
Both: Ooh.
Let's see a spin.
Oh, no! N-o on the coin slot.
I'm so glad we were able to finally make this play date happen.
Little Roger and Amy are just getting along like gangbusters.
Am I right? Look at those little monkeys.
Do I hear wedding bells? Oh! [Laughter.]
I know you're kidding, but why put that out there? We were actually supposed to fly to a wedding this weekend, but we decided not to, just too much trouble with the baby and all.
Oh, God, no way.
Crowded airport.
Stuck on a plane with a screamer.
- Forget it! - No thanks.
- No thank you.
- No thanks.
Good day, sirs and madams.
Point is, you guys are smart.
Yep.
You're just like us.
You know that when you have a kid you gotta give a lot of stuff up.
Well, every couple is different.
Yeah, I think we're quite Nope, nope, we're all the same.
Again, I don't know.
We could make this trip, honey.
We could.
Amy's a complete trooper.
I think she could do it.
Yeah, you know, I used to fly all the time for business.
Kind of an expert.
Platinum club.
Let's just say that if you found yourself at Dulles international airport and you ran into a skycap named Chet, he'd have some pretty cool things to say about Chris Brinkley.
Boy, that's a flaccid back-door brag there, isn't it? Should we go? - Should we do this? - No, ma'am.
No.
If we leave now, we can probably make it be tonight.
Yeah.
Quit joshing! Now let's defrost a Totino's.
You can keep your Totino's.
We're going.
We're going to the wedding.
I love that you haven't given up.
I never give up.
Okay, we are not here to make friends.
We're here to get through as quickly as possible for Amy, so we need to stick to the plan.
All right, so the key is to keep Amy happy and awake until we get on the flight, right? Yep, I got two bottles all ready to go.
Sweet potatoes are locked and loaded.
Nice, and we give her her first bottle once we get through security? Yep, second one on takeoff, another one at nap time, and on landing.
Okay, good.
I'm losing it, I'm losing it.
The pack 'n play is causing it to list.
Babe, babe.
This stupid cart is like a metaphor for this entire trip.
It's not a metaphor.
We got this.
Now, which one is us? Ugh.
You know what? We are platinum club members.
- Yeah.
- Platinum! - Give me the stuff, here.
- Okay.
I know how to schmooze these airport employees.
Oh, sorry.
Hi, Sharon.
Let me start by saying I love your nails.
What is that, crackle Polish? Yes.
How many people are traveling today? We have two platinum member adults and one beautiful, gorgeous baby girl.
So I actually love this airport.
Kinda one of my all-time faves.
How long you been working here? Since I was 18.
Wow, so what's that, about three years? So we have Mr.
Brinkley in 8-c and Mrs.
Brinkley in 22-b.
Wait, no, no, no, we're not sitting together? Okay, hi, Sharon, here's the thing.
Our whole baby travel plan thing is contingent on us sitting together, so you could be a part of something pretty amazing if you just give us our seats together.
Thank you so much.
- We're a family.
- Yeah.
Sorry, that's all we have.
Okay, we'll figure it out.
No, you can't give up.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
They always save a whole block of seats for all the big shots.
So, Sharon, the seats that you were gonna give to Bono or to Wolf Blitzer, why don't you put your fingertips on that keyboard and clickity-clackity, clickity-clackity, chicka, chicka, chicka, chicka, okay? All right, well, let's not make a scene about people's fingernails.
No, we're on a mission, honey, here.
We are heroes.
And the least that I deserve is a courtesy clickity-clackity.
So clack away.
Enjoy your flight.
Oh, we will, Sharon.
You might be a roadblock, my dear, but you're not gonna break me.
Oh, no, you're not.
Excuse me.
Oh, whoops, that's easier.
Thank you.
I'll get it.
That's not a roadblock for me.
Neither is that.
Okay? We're good here.
- Let's not do the whole row.
- Let's go, hon.
Thank you! So as your minister, how do you want me to play my part of the ceremony? Do you want heartfelt laughter? Tears? How nude do you want the emotion to be? See-through blouse, no bottoms.
I'm glad we talked.
Got the keys.
Oh, my God, is this Kevin? Yummy, Ava.
He's the total package.
I hear wedding bells.
Wedding bells? Chill out, bitch.
So my own personal sound LLC reunion, huh? We're real fans in our house.
My daughter and I, we lobaby back it up, parenthesis, into my face.
Huge.
We will never sing that song again.
Never, ever.
Don't talk about it.
That song is dead.
Don't say that.
As everyone knows, we are considered the Lennon and McCartney of hip-hop.
John Lennon and Paul McCartney? We shared credit on all our songs, but on our biggest hit there's been some unfortunate jive-assery where some fool is spreading a rumor that I didn't help write it.
I woke up in the middle of the night with the words "back it up" fully formed in my head.
I picked up my keytar, and after eight minutes I had the entire song penned with bridge.
Who came up with the beep-beeps, a ghost? Okay.
- Hey.
- Yeah, cheers.
Yeah.
What is it about that song that gets us fighting? God, we really are the Simon and Garfunkel of hip-hop.
Everyone always says that.
Got 'em.
Rocket fuel.
Saving so much time, we can get one of those awkward in-public massages.
Oh, no.
Group travelers, incoming.
Oh, listen, if we book it we can beat them.
Yeah, well, we've got to get rid of our coffees real quick because they won't let us go through security with them.
- Mm! - Oh, God! - Oh, my God! - My mouth roof skin is gone.
Ooh! What are we talking about what am I talking about whoa, end of the line is that way.
- The what is? - The line.
Wow.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Kevin Alexander.
Why do people at weddings jump to conclusions like that? I don't know.
I find it so uncomfortable.
But don't worry, marriage is not on my mind.
Me either.
I'm so glad we're on the same page about this.
Marriage, not for me.
Nuh-uh.
I mean, I'm definitely never getting married again.
Once was enough.
Never again.
Never, never, never, ever.
Never, never, never.
Never, ever, period.
Never, ever.
You wanna watch a movie? [Amy crying.]
All right, well, great.
This bottle's supposed to be post-security.
So now our schedule is completely out of whack.
You know what though, while we're waiting I can work on some of my wedding toast ideas.
You know what, honey, just be your normal adorable self.
- Thanks, babe.
- Yeah.
I was just thinking that I might end with one of my signature dead-on impressions.
Yeah.
[As Beetlejuice.]
Well, you two are a couple of spooks.
Let's turn on the juice and see what shakes loose.
It's showtime.
It's Beetlejuice.
It's Michael K Michael Keaton.
Do you remember Michael Keaton? Yeah, honey, if you have to name the character and the actor who played that character, I think you have a bit of a problem.
I got it.
- Do you smell poop? - Yeah, totally.
Smelled it a long time ago actually.
What? Why didn't you say something? - Because I'm in denial.
- Oh, my God.
My baby, she needs to be changed.
Probably thought my wife cut one, huh? I'm just humor.
Well, we have to change her.
What are we gonna do? You know what, I got it, I got it.
Excuse me, sorry.
Excuse me, can you pass me one of those gray bins? Yeah, thanks.
Appreciate it.
Teamwork, right? What? Oh, come on, relax, you guys.
Just a little baby poop.
It's cute.
It's not like some man-sized Duke bomb.
You can't say "bomb.
" Oh, come on.
[Cell phone rings.]
Hello.
He doesn't want to get married.
- Who, the groom? - No, Kevin.
He just told me.
He said he never wants to get married again.
Never, ever, ever.
Period.
Oh, honey, what happened? Did you guys have a fight or something? Where is he? He's watching back to school on the superstation.
I'm on the toilet phone.
Be out soon, just doing number one.
He just got back from buying grocery store Chex Mix.
- What? - He hates minibars.
And he doesn't want to get married.
But, Ava, I thought that's what you wanted.
Well, I did too.
But in my mind, it was never, not never, never, never, never, ever.
Will you just Just relax.
We will be there soon, okay? Okay.
Coming, honey! Hi.
You're okay.
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
Okay.
Miss, we need to go through your bag.
Oh, no, no, no, please, no, no.
My baby, we have to get her through.
It's so past her nap time, and we have to keep on schedule.
Don't touch the bag during the check.
Frickin' key janglers, it's a power trip.
It's their job.
You can't take this on the plane, over 3.
4 ounces.
Oh, we're still doing that? I thought people weren't worried about liquids anymore.
Please, just don't throw I can't throw this stuff out.
It's really expensive.
- Here, here, take some.
- Whoa, whoa, no.
Does anybody want any of this lotion before you go through? It's really nice lotion, and they're gonna make me throw it out.
- So, I mean, it's no - Babe, what are you doing? Come on, just get Who cares Fine, fine.
Look, ma'am, see this baby here? We gotta keep her moving, okay? We gotta keep her moving, so Oh, come on, I got a ticking time bomb here.
So just that room over there? Uh-huh, yeah, right over there.
See, no bomb.
Just a baby, with a "poop-splosion.
" She's a terrorist, attacking her diaper with poo.
- Reagan, why are you - I don't know.
Sorry, I have to apologize for my wife.
She has control issues and problems with authority.
If things don't go exactly according to her plan, it's like, boom! You have beautiful nails.
You're free to go.
Thank you.
Listen, don't worry about it.
I'm okay.
I cannot believe you.
Wait, me? You can't believe me? Why can't you just have my back, Chris? What? Oh, with the lotion and the yelling at the chuckleheads? Yes.
Some of whom I imagine have tasers and can legally explore your keister.
You know what, I always have your back.
I always have your back whether you are being insane or not.
- What? - I had your back the time that you flipped that guy off when you pulled out in front of him.
I had your back the time that you sent back an entire tray of nachos because of one frickin' pinto bean.
- I hate beans.
- I know you do.
So when you get sad when you see a bean, I do too, I hate that bean.
I hate the people that served you that bean.
I hate all the customers that are sitting there enjoying their beans.
I hate it all, whether it's rational or not because I love you, and I have your back.
God, I just need a frickin' tiny wine.
All right, move those flowers over to the right.
Bump that light up ten points.
Great, hold it.
- Great.
- Hey.
You came down without me.
I didn't know you were here.
Oh, I didn't want to bother you with all this silliness.
You're gonna make this ceremony amazing.
It's gonna be like the royal wedding, with lady pretty lady and prince what's-his-teeth.
Whatevs on weddings.
Who cares? They're all a waste of time and money.
You know, they all fail, and those that don't, well, welcome to a lifetime bedroom prison.
It's gonna be a magical day for you though.
Trust me! Beautiful.
You're upset about our marriage conversation.
No! What? I'm gonna make you pee in a cup, 'cause you, sir, are high as a kite.
I don't know, I thought we were on the same page.
No, we are on the same page.
Just never, never, never, never, ever? Really? Well, believe it or not, at one point I was actually kinda fond of my ex-wife.
But, I don't know, marriage changes things, you know? I mean, is that Is that gonna be a problem for you? I think it might be.
You know what, you're busy.
I don't wanna ruin this experience for you.
I should go.
I'll just see you later.
All right? Yeah.
Ugh.
[Amy cries.]
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
She'll go to sleep soon.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Listen, um, I'm just gonna go back to the seat, and we'll just, we'll switch off when we get a chance, okay? Baby, you know what, let me just take her.
No, I'm fine.
I'm fine, I'm fine.
[Amy cries.]
It's okay, it's okay.
Of course, on my last shift there'd be a cranky baby on the flight.
- Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
- Do you mind? Okay, you don't have to huff and puff at me.
Hey, airplane people, can I have your attention, please? That is my wife, and that is my little baby girl.
And I ask you to please be patient with my little baby girl 'cause she's just a baby.
And my wife has had a really tough day.
And she's way out of her comfort zone, but she's handling it like a champ.
So if you have a problem with them, you've got a problem with me.
But if you're cool, beers and bloodies are on me, all right? Okay, and just one each.
And only domestic beer.
Dude, put your hand down.
You're, like, 12 years old.
[Mouths words.]
Thanks for having my back, honey.
Always.
You know, I think we're doing pretty good.
I know, right? Suck it, gene and Terry.
You know what would really get them? - Hmm? - Mile high club.
Honey, we can't do that.
We have the baby.
I don't wanna get lavatory on my good boots.
Really? Really? We're not gonna actually do it.
- Oh, okay.
- We're just gonna Oh, oh, okay.
Hold on.
All right, let's get another one.
These are two wonderful people for whom I see nothing but a future of happiness.
Hold onto each other and never let go, because not everyone is lucky enough to have what you have.
[Loud banging, glass breaking.]
Oop.
Sorry.
Ooh.
I don't really have anything dramatic to say.
Sorry, I just I wanted to watch Ava.
The door just kinda got away from me.
I thought it would have one of those heavy hydraulic things that would slow it, but it slammed.
Ava, I'm here.
I made it.
Honey, shh.
You know what, I think this is the bride and groom, man.
- I don't know if that's - Oh, boy.
Yeah, grab a chair.
Yeah, yeah.
Sorry about that.
Hey.
Looks great, guys.
Congratu I'm just gonna get a seat here.
Let me just squeeze in there.
You guys mind just - All ready now? - Yeah.
Great.
Love.
It's like a wild rose.
Sometimes it makes me thorny.
[Glass clinks.]
So let's all have a drink to honor Amanda and Craig.
Or as someone we all know might say [Imitating Michael Keaton.]
"I don't know, 220, 221.
"Whatever it takes, you know.
Kenny, don't draw on your sister.
" Michael Keaton in Mr.
Mom, everybody! That was Michael Keaton.
Thanks, babe.
Thanks, babe.
Thank you.
Thanks for having my back, sweetheart.
I'm glad you didn't leave.
I didn't wanna miss your big moment.
This is really good.
Let's just agree to never say never.
All right, well, as long as we're never saying never, there's a song I'd like to hear, and it goes a little something like this.
Back it up, back it up beep, beep y'all remember this? Break out your lighters.
'Cause this is about to get stinky.
- It's good.
- You know what, I'm wondering if they'll do the uncensored version - of this song.
- I'm not wondering that at all.
Ladies, take your [bleep.]
off.
Met you on a Saturday night cruising down the street - that's right.
- you said [bleep.]
ain't no way to treat [bleep.]
Buy her flowers, [bleep.]
.
You said hey girl - We did it.
- We did it.
We did it! Could tell it's classy back it up back it up, back it up beep, beep in the morning whisper words so sweet - you pour me a tall mimosa - Reagan.
We lay down on Egyptian sheets you're lookin' hot like Sammy Sosa .
300 batting average.
Yeah, Sammy Sosa, son.
Back it up into my face and be with me forever back it up into my face in any kind of weather when you put it in reverse you make our love soar like a feather Back it up back it up beep, beep