Worst Week s01e16 Episode Script

Ah, yes! [Both panting.]
Oh, i let you win 'cause you're pregnant.
Oh, you did not letme win.
I'll let you believe that 'cause you're pregnant.
[Breathing heavily.]
Come on.
You know what? I feel so much better now that the baby And the engagement are all out inhe open.
Don't you feel better? Oh, i do.
Not right now, but in general.
Such a nice moment when we told your family.
I mean, it was less nice When i turned your dad's truck into a giant fireball.
[Loud explosion, all gasp.]
What the hell was that? Oh, sweetheart, come on.
I mean, he's got his party tonight.
He's so focused on that, I'm sure he's already forgotten about the truck.
[Machinery whirring.]
[Jazzy music playing.]
Or not.
[Machinery continues whirring.]
They had to haul her over the house.
It was the only way They could get her out of the backyard.
Dick, can i just say again, I am so sorry about this.
[Metal grinding, screeching.]
Whoa! (Man) it's never made that sound before.
[Machinery winding down.]
[Birds chirping.]
It's dead.
[Stammers.]
I bet it's--Do you have another crane? We'll get another crane to get this crane--Okay.
I'll let you guys deal with it.
[Whispering.]
okay.
[Part clangs.]
[Bluegrass-Style music playing.]
[Murmurs.]
Oh, hey, honey! Hi.
Thanks.
(Dick) crane's broken.
Crane's broken? Can't move the truck until tomorrow.
It's going to be hanging there During your birthday party? N-- Okay.
Doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter.
You are going to have the most wonderful time.
You're going to have everything you love.
So i'll have a cigar? Now, dick, we've talked about that, And you know what the doctor said.
But it's my birthday.
And he strictly forbids it, And so do i.
[Sighs.]
[Bluegrass music playing.]
[Cell phone rings.]
Hello.
Hey.
Where are you? I'm at work.
(Over phone) listen.
I'm looking for some really special cigars.
Do you know where i can find any? (Over phone) i'm your man.
I can help you out.
But no--These have to be really special.
Like special enough to erase the memory Of everything bad that's ever happened.
No worries, gurries.
I got a guy.
I'll have 'em in a half an hour.
Great.
I'm still at the claytons, (Over phone) so i can meet you-- Ooh, i'll bring 'em by.
No, you will not.
Why? (Over phone) uh, because last time you were here, You made love to their virginal daughter And broadcast it over a baby monitor.
Don't say "made love.
" That's gross.
You're gross.
(Over phone) look.
I won't even come in.
I'll just meet you at the end of the driveway.
Thank you.
[Phone beeps.]
[Quietly.]
ha! Hey.
What are you doing? Oh, just working on a little plan.
Oh, no, no.
No, no.
This is--Don't worry.
This is good.
This involves, uh, the perfect gift for your dad.
And that's it? Yes, that's it.
Okay.
[Bluegrass music playing.]
Mom, the cake looks amazing.
[Giggles.]
it's gonna kill me not to have any.
Oh, you can have one piece.
Mom's right.
You're so skinny now.
Yeah, too skinny.
(Sarah) yeah, i miss the days When we could tie a wicker basket to your shorts And ask you to take us around the world in 80 days.
Well, you see, i don't.
You know what? I'm gonna make you a vegetable plate.
How about that? Okay, thank you.
Ooh! All right.
Sam briggs, reporting for duty.
[Claps, chuckles.]
hey.
Angela, how can i service you? Be of service to you? Actually, you know what? I could use some folding chairs From the basement.
Folding chairs you shall have.
Mom, where are those vegetables? Oh, i--I roasted them in the goose fat.
No--No, no, no! Mom, i can't eat that.
[Sighing.]
uh, okay.
I gotta go to the store and get some more.
Oh, wait, wait, no.
I'll do it.
Really? Yeah.
That's great, because it'd give me a chance To do something with this.
Oh.
You know what, sam? These contacts are killing me.
I need to switch them out.
Can you get me some saline solution? I will be your saline solution solution.
Thank you.
All right.
Actually, i should write this down.
Hey, chad.
Hey, babe.
Hey.
Mmm.
[Both softly moaning.]
Bro-In-Law.
Bro-In-Law-To-Be.
Um, i was actually running to the store.
Do you need anything? Yeah, what i need Is for dick to have a good time tonight.
All right.
Okay.
I think i have a coupon for that, so-- Uh, okay.
[Claps.]
I am out of here.
Hey, hon.
You're being so helpful, But are you sure you're not biting off More than you can chew? Yeah, i like being useful around here.
Like i'm a member of the family.
I'm a member of the family.
Okay.
Please just be back in time to get changed.
I will run these errands and be back in time To shower, change, make love to you, And greet the first guests at the door.
Don't say "make love.
" It's gross.
[Bluegrass music playing.]
Why does everyone think "making love" is gross? [Yelling.]
oh, my god! Die! [Both laugh heartily.]
Ha ha ha ha! You got me.
Sam, play dracula with me.
Oh, i'd love to, but, oh, i gotta-- I'm a little busy today.
You don't wanna play with me? Oh, no, i do, i just--I just, uh, Uh, you know, i got a lot ot stuff to do.
What's goin' on? You don't wanna play with my grandson? No, i do.
I do--I--Um, I just--Was gonna have some errands-- You know what? Yeah, i have a little time.
So how do i look, huh? Scary? Yeah.
Wait.
Good job.
Um.
All right.
Well, uncle dracula's got a lot of work to do, buddy.
It's been fun playing.
Put this on.
Whoa, no, honey.
Honey, no, no, no.
No, that's grandpa's judge clothes.
See? Uh-Uh.
Grandpa lets me.
Do it! Do it! No, er oh--Mmm.
Okay, you know what, then? Let's go down in the dungeon and do it Where dracula keeps his folding chairs.
[Sighs.]
Ha! There are my chairs.
That's not dracula's voice.
[Imitating vampire.]
"zere" are my chairs.
No, really scare me.
[Attempts sinister laugh.]
No, really, really scare me.
[Imitating vampire.]
scotty, come find me.
Sam? Sam? Where are you? [Roaring.]
Aah! [Door slams.]
[Whimpers.]
Scotty? Scotty? [Knocks on door.]
Scotty.
[Rattles knob.]
[Imitating vampire.]
all right, open ze door, scotty.
Hey, guys? [Knocks.]
Sorry about the truck.
Mind the truck.
[Chuckles.]
sorry about that.
That's dick's truck.
That's dick's truck.
Hi, mind the truck.
[Laughs.]
Sam's been gone for hours.
I need that contact solution.
All i have here are my glasses from high school.
I'm worried everybody's gonna think i'm smart.
Oh, don't worry about that.
Where's sam? Because i can't eat any of this stuff.
Honey, sam said he was gonna Bring me some folding chairs.
Okay, you guys, calm down.
Okay, he's--I'm sure he'll be back any minute.
[Thud, knob clatters on ground.]
Oh hello? Hello? [Bangs on door.]
[Stammers.]
[Jazzy music plays.]
[Clattering.]
[Floor creaks.]
[Grunting.]
[Window creaks.]
[Continues grunting.]
[Rolls away loudly.]
Whoa.
[Grunting.]
[Window falls.]
oww! Oh! [Continues grunting.]
[Window squeaks.]
[Grunts.]
[Window falls shut.]
eh! [Rattling clasp.]
Tsk.
[Guests indistinctly chatter.]
Okay.
[Clinking.]
Everybody-- I can't wait anymore.
I want everyone to go in the study So i can surprise dick with his portrait.
All right.
Shh! Shh! [Whispering.]
come on, wait.
[Soft, indistinct whispers.]
[Thuds into doorframe, wall.]
(Dick) huh? [All.]
surprise! [Dick chuckles.]
[Guests gasp.]
ohh! (Melanie) sam, we can see your, um you know.
[Jazzy music resumes.]
M gonna get some food.
Hey, so, uh, When i said before that i wanted you to make sure That dick had a good time tonight, I didn't mean for you to show him your penis.
Oh.
Okay.
My mistake.
[Jazzy piano music playing.]
I wish there were some single ladies here, Though, you know? Keep my mind off of food.
Hmm--Oh, what about that hottie, hmm? Tsk.
That's a man.
Really? [Silverware clinking.]
Mm-Hmm.
[Sighs.]
Hey, new family.
Thanks for the contact solution, sam.
Feel super pretty.
[Quietly.]
aww, man.
How's it going for you? Oh, it's just great, you know.
Chloe's trying to hook me up with hot guys.
[Chuckles.]
That's cool.
[Murmurs.]
[Cell phone rings.]
oops.
Oh, yeah.
Uh, excuse me.
I'll be right back.
Hey.
Ah, awesome.
I'll be right out.
Hi.
What are you doing here? [Jazzy music plays.]
oh! It's a door-To-Door service.
[Whispers indistinctly.]
Oh, two very special cigars.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
What happened to our little end-Of-The-Driveway plan? [Groans.]
i need to see chloe.
No, not tonight.
Yes.
Yes.
No.
Yes, tonight.
Yes.
Adam! Hi! Come here, baby.
Come here, come here.
[Chuckles.]
mmm.
[Sighing.]
i missed you so much.
I missed you, too.
[Slow jazz playing.]
[Door quietly creaks.]
Sam.
What are you doing in here? You know, i was, uh, writing you a note And i--I--I really don't need to now.
I'll--I'll use my mouth to-- Anyway, happy birthday.
[Chuckles.]
[Unwraps package.]
[Sighs.]
Angela will kill me.
[Quietly chuckles.]
We'll keep it our little secret.
Our little secret it is.
Thank you, sam.
Thank you.
[Jazzy music playing.]
God.
Look at these guys.
What? Oh, pfft, not even paying them any attention, man.
Mmm.
Too busy lookin' at that.
You know what i'd like to do? I'd like to walk right over there And just grab me a piece of that.
Mmm.
Oh.
Oh, cool.
Why don't you? [Sighs.]
it's a slippery slope.
Yeah.
Okay.
How about taking a break, romeo? Just gettin' my groove.
Mmm, okay.
Bye.
Hi.
Oh, he's such a good dancer.
You having fun, peanut? Yep.
Mmm, gentlemen.
Hey, i love this jacket.
Oh, well, i like your facial hair.
See you guys.
Good to see you, buddy.
He's good people.
He's awesome.
I don't know why mel didn't tell me he was gay, but-- By the way.
Hmm? Mm-Hmm.
The cigars.
Thank you.
It went over awesome.
Ah, scooper-Doops.
Yeah.
Who were they for? Dick.
No way.
Yeah.
Judge clayton burns? Yeah--Er, wait.
What's that mean? It means it was the fluffy dank.
What does that mean? The crizzle.
The sticky-Icky.
The kinder.
Sorry.
Marijuana.
[Chuckles.]
You're kidding, right? No, you wanted specialcigars.
Wha--N--Tell me-- You did not just give me cigars laced with grass.
"Laced with grass"? Who are you, my seventh grade health teacher? [Quietly stammers.]
[Jazzy piano music playing.]
[Kisses.]
thanks, dad.
Behave.
Dick.
Yeah, i was thinking, um, Remember i gave you, uh, cigars or whatever? Shh! Angela.
Oh.
Yeah.
Um, i just wanted to check-- Sam.
Have you met uncle trevor yet? No.
He's a writer, too.
Dick, let me get you a drink.
I'm working on a novel.
It's called the scowling angel.
Ah.
It starts in a-- A dead-End town, Uh--Out-Outside of-- Uncle trevor, i'm-- I'm so sorry to interrupt, But my mother desperately needs you in the kitchen.
God, i'm sorry.
I really am.
Oh, okay.
I'm hooked.
[Chuckles.]
Angela wants to see me? What'd i do? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
My uncle trevor has been writing that book For 40 years, so, I basically just saved your life.
Okay.
Thank you.
Mm-Hmm.
[Chuckles.]
Tsk.
Boy.
It's like he's just teasing me With that delicious thing.
All right, david-- I bet there's a lot of pressure around here For you to be a certain way.
Oh, oh, you're talking about-- Yeah.
That.
Well, uh, no.
No, my family didn't put any pressure on me.
Now, they did encourage me To live a healthier lifestyle.
[Groans.]
see, that--Mmm.
That's just not right.
Yeah, you know, i think so, too.
No-- But society you know what? Forget society, man.
Make yourself happy.
You know what? You're right.
You are right, sam.
I'm unbuckling the belt and i'm going for it, sam.
Geez, okay, that's-- "A" for enthusiasm.
[Chuckles.]
But, you can take things slower.
Yeah.
No, no.
Excuse me, i'm sorry.
Go for it.
Okay.
Okay.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
Thank you.
Mmm.
Sam? Sorry.
I got it.
You had a littlecruditã‰s on your boo-Tay.
[Both chuckle.]
Do you rember the-- The little-- [Person begins playing lively piano tune.]
Hey, everyone.
It's time for dick and angela's song.
[Winces playfully.]
Oh, you bad boy! We don't want to see these two dance, do we? [Applause.]
[Music resumes.]
someday When i'm awfully low When the world is cold I will feel a glow Just thinking of you And the way you look tonight [Sighs.]
hey.
Hi.
And it's not a big deal-- It's actually kind of funny--No, it's not.
Anyway, um, you know the cigars i got for your dad? Yeah.
Well, apparently they've been stuffed with, uh, crizzle.
[Whispering.]
with weed?! Oh, my god.
How do you know that term? What? Sweet leaf.
Squidge.
Boo boo bamma.
Everyone knows those.
I don't.
Anyway, they're in his pocket.
He seems very eager to smoke 'em.
Well, we have to get them out.
Oh, i'm trying.
Chad keeps stopping me, very suspiciously.
I think he's dick-Blocking me.
Freakin' chad.
[Quietly murmurs.]
With each word Hey.
Quit hoggin' dad.
Oh.
Pfft.
[Chuckles.]
And your cheek so soft hi, dad.
Hi, hon.
Are you having a good time? I am having the best time.
Aww.
[Chuckles.]
You know, we haven't done this since i was a kid.
Mel.
Mm-Hmm? I adore you.
Aww.
But if you take my cigars, You'll regret it.
[Sighs.]
Besides, they're in the other pocket.
Your tenderness come with me.
Huh? My dear 'Cause i love hey.
(Sarah) why would you say that to david? You just undid years of hard work.
Work? Guys, that's-- I'm sorry, this isn't something he should change Orcanchange.
What are you talking about? He was miserable when he was fat.
Fat? Yeah.
I thought he-- He's gay.
Why would you think that? 'Cause he looks at guys And worries about his hair and eats vegetables.
[Softly.]
mmm.
David--No.
No, it's cool.
I'm really sorry, man.
No, you do not have to do this.
Don't touch my plate! It's not a plate, actually.
It's a serving tray.
Come.
What? I struck out with my dad.
David is straight and he used to be fat.
Thanks, that's good information, But i think we need to focus on getting those cigars.
Okay, it's okay.
And technically, it's not a problem Until your dad wants to smoke one.
And i think it just became a problem.
Huh? Oh, crap.
What are we gonna do? I didn't want it to come to this.
[Quietly.]
what? What? [Smooth jazz music plays.]
Oh! Oh, no, no! No, you don't.
Mm-Mm.
Angela? [Quietly scoffs.]
The other one, too.
Oh, but i on-- Would you not? [Both sigh.]
I go to so much trouble to keep you healthy, And this is what you do.
And to think--I wouldn't have known about this If it hadn't have been for sam.
Sam? Okay.
Five minutes to cake.
Five minutes to cake.
[Chuckles.]
[Sighs.]
[Door closes.]
Dick, i'm really sorry-- I'm at a complete loss here.
You blew up my truck, Bashed my son with a shovel, Got my youngest daughter deflowered, And i'm pretty sure that you killed my bird.
And when you finally make a nice gesture, You turn around and sell me out.
I don't know what to make of you, sam.
I really don't.
Hey.
So did you get the spleefs? The what? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I got 'em right here.
Oh, good.
[Chuckles.]
Is everything okay? Yeah, yeah.
I'm gonna throw 'em out.
Great.
I'll save you a piece of cake.
Okay, thanks, babe.
[Distant jazzy music playing.]
[Footsteps approaching.]
[Trash can lid slams.]
Party over already, or? Not quite.
[Sighs.]
Really sorry about the cigars.
I did-- It did come from a place of caring about you.
[Shoes scuff on concrete.]
I'm sorry about this week.
Tsk.
I thought if i could do more and--And-- You--You'd get to know me better, I don't know.
I guess all that matters is that you know I love mel more than anything in this world.
[Exhales.]
she loves you.
I think that's why I was making such an ass of myself-- You know, trying to fit in with her family.
Your family.
[Shoes scuff.]
[Exhales loudly.]
It's your family now, too.
So quit trying so hard.
That's great advice.
Thank you, i will.
I feel like we should hug, huh? Don't.
Okay.
[Cell phone ringing.]
Oh, right on cue.
That's mel there.
[Chuckles.]
[Phone continues ringing.]
Hey.
(Melanie over phone) hey, where are you? David's trying to eat your cake And i don't know how much longer i can hold him off.
He's so hungry.
I'm with your dad.
You're never gonna believe this.
We just had the most beautiful moment.
Really? Yeah.
Aww, that's great.
[Lighter flicking.]
Hey, where is he right now? [Coughing.]
What the hell is this? he's getting stoned.
This frosting is so creamy.
I'll trade you for some cookies.
Cookie.
Is that a word? [Slowly.]
cook-Ie.
[Chuckles.]