Aliens in America s01e17 Episode Script

Medora High, in addition to having not one, but two graduates on the FBI's "ten most wanted list," also offered a wide variety of very unpopular extracurriculars.
There was the Chess Club They hate me! They hate me! Junior Beekeepers ???/ the Semaphore Drill Squad and, probably least popular of all, SADD Students Against Destructive Decisions.
Which explains why its president, and only non-court-ordered member was Raja.
Raja, hurry up.
Small Paul stepped off the curb and fell into a street sewer.
Justin, while I have grown to enjoy watching Small Paul struggle with these predicaments, today I will have to pass.
You sure? There could be rats down there.
I am afraid being the grim reaper is more work than I had realized.
Whilst I have been able to procure several buckets of fake blood, I have not as yet been successful in renting a coffin.
Okay.
Good luck.
No, Raja hadn't gone Goth on me.
The SADD club was preparing for its annual "Wasted Life" event.
Every year, the grim reaper chooses one student in school to "die" in a mock accident.
The idea was to draw attention to the dangers of drinking and driving.
Look.
He died.
Drinking.
And driving.
The highlight of the event is the student's funeral, and kids actually get really into it.
I'm going to miss him so much! Hey.
We still hooking up tonight? While Raja pondered matters of life and death, Claire was also thinking about death.
Or someone close to it.
Mrs.
Lockard is retiring.
Mrs.
Lockard? I had her, too.
Mrs.
Lockard was Medora's oldest teacher.
That picture's from my mom's yearbook.
She was Claire's favorite.
I know I've skipped a lot of classes this semester, but my GPA really can't afford an F right now.
You are so pretty.
I'm going to give you an A.
Thank you.
Oh, gosh, I loved her.
What a sweet woman.
I can't believe she's quitting.
I'm so sorry, baby girl.
Oh.
They'rhaving a going away party for her on Friday.
Oh, well, tell you what, we'll go together.
Later that night, the grim reaper went searching for his victim.
Hitting the old bookarinos, huh, Rajmeister? Sweet.
Please forgive me, but I did not understand one word of that sentence.
What are you doing? Oh, I am studying yearbook photographs.
I am trying to decide which student to kill.
Where's the damn bottle opener? Ah, here's my baby.
Yearbook photos, huh? A little word of wisdom, don't have too many of these with your so-called buddies the night before your senior portraits.
Good advice indeed.
I enjoy our little talks, Raja.
As do I.
-==ÆÆÀÃÐÜÀÖÔ°ÇãÇé·îÏ×==- ±¾×ÖĻ½Ã¹©Ñ§Ï°½»Á÷£¬ÑϽûÓÃÓÚÉÌÒµÓÃ; ÎÒ¼ÒÀ´¸ÃÍâ¹úÈË µÚ1¼¾µÚ17¼¯ -=ÆÆÀÃÐÜ×ÖĻ×é=- ·­Ò룺¸ÃÈËID Уԣº¸ÃÈËID ʱ¼äÖá: Breezy This is far more difficult than I anticipated, Justin.
Do I take the life of a young innocent freshman? Or perhaps that of a gifted senior on the verge of a promising college career? I don't know what you're getting all worked up about.
It's not like you really have a choice here.
What do you mean? Am I not the grim reaper whose icy finger dooms all that it casts its shadow upon? Somebody's been reading those comic books, huh? Some.
Yes.
Look, let me explain this to you, Raja.
Every year they do this mock funeral and it's always the most popular kid who gets it.
And that would be Dan Archer.
But why? Because he's popular.
Just the way it works.
But why would a popular student want to be involved with my club? To be quite honest, a surprising number of students have told me that my club is quite lame.
It's like homecoming, you know.
Kids like us are on the homecoming committee.
Kids like Dan Archer are the homecoming kings, so.
That does not sound fair to me.
Well, yeah, it's high school, Raja.
I mean, nothing's fair.
What's fair? There's nothing fair about it.
Is it fair that the football players get to take naps in the teachers' lounge? No.
Is it fair that the school bus stops for Claire and her friends to get coffee in the morning? No.
That's just the way it is.
The popular kids get everything, and there's nothing we can do about it.
While Raja was learning how high school really worked, my mom was at her friend Lauren's bachelorette party, having her own eye-opening experience.
Oh, holy mother of Pete.
What with this G- string BS? I want to see the goodies! Yeah! By the way, that's my pediatrician.
Well, girls, this has been a hoot and a half, I have to tell you.
But I got a turkey defrosting, and Gary's waiting up for me, so.
Oh, come on, Franny! You're not leaving now, are you? I hear he does puppetry.
I really should go.
Wait! No one leaves without a goody bag! Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Here, you go.
Lauren, that is so thoughtful of you Oh, goodness! Is this a, uh Just a little toy for the bedrm.
Why do all the work yourself, right? President of the PTA.
Okeydoke, bye-bye, now.
So, if you want to put it in simple terms, what the Monroe Doctrine did was basically say to Britain, "Thanks, but no thanks.
We're all good over here.
" Any questions? Anyone? Every 15 minutes, a teenager is killed in a drunk driving accident.
One such accident occurred today: another young life tragically snuffed out before its time.
Why Raja never joined the drama club, I'll never know.
Death has come to claim its prize.
Death has come for you! I could've saved you a trip.
About to die of boredom anyways.
I was not pointing at you, Dan Archer.
What? Death has come for you, Justin Tolchuck.
Hey.
Hello? What the hell did you just do in there? Was it too much? I was trying to capture the essence of Death.
I mean, did you not hear a thing I said last night? But I thought you would be pleased.
You said yourself it was unfair.
Who do you think is going to stay after school too to my funeral? I would come to your funeral, Justin, even if it meant missing school.
Hey, it's the deaduy! Cool.
Right on, bro.
Really? You deserve to be just as dead as Dan Archer.
This sentiment was echoed throughout the d.
Turns out I wasn't the only one sick of the popular kids having everything handed to them.
Dead guy.
Way to go.
Dude, dude! Justin! Everyone is talking about you.
Well, Raja was the one who picked me.
Yes, but people would not be responding if you were not such a worthy candidate.
Who cares? This is sending a message, man.
People are talking about you running for class treasurer.
I can see that.
You see, Justin, you should not have worried.
I think you are going to have the best funeral ever.
I couldn't believe it.
People were actually happy that I was dead.
This was the greatest day of my life.
That afternoon, Claire got her own surprise as she went through Mom's closet, looking for a pair of shoes to match the new top she bought for Mrs.
Lockard's going-away party.
What's this? What's what, honey? Oh, that.
There are times when mothers have no choice but to sit down and have open, frank conversations with their daughters about very delicate subjects.
It's my new potato masher.
This wasn't one of them.
Your what? My new potato masher from Williams-Sonoma.
It's the latest one.
See, it's got three speeds.
Uh.
Potato masher.
You're going to stick with that? I have no idea what you're talking about.
Fine.
It was amazing.
Every oddball, loser, and outsiderin school was coming out of the woodwork to congratulate me.
Even ass-picker kid.
Raja's snub of the popular crowd had apparently struck a nerve.
The balance of power was turning.
I could feel it.
Tolchuck.
Raja.
In my office.
So, what's going on? We have a situation.
I don't like situations.
They're sticky and time-consuming.
Hmm? I do not understand.
What is this about? Tanner and Dan tell me that you chose Justin as the victim for this year's drunk driving event.
Yes.
And? And you were supposed to pick Dan.
Everyone knows that.
Yeah, no one cares if a loser's the victim.
Hey What Dan and Tanner are trying to say is that the death of someone like yourself, while certainly tragic, just doesn't have the oomph as if someone like Dan were to die.
We are trying to sell an idea here.
Don't drink and drive.
Now what sends that message better: a dead Justin or aead Dan? Be honest.
I know what would matter to me.
This is too late.
I picked Justin.
Justin is already dead.
What, you've never heard of miracles? Oh-oh, oh, oh! Huh? No.
Forget it, okay? I'm the one who got killed.
It's my funeral.
What if it's you and Dan? Popular kid, unpopular kid, killed together in a horrific crash.
Covers all the bases.
That could send a strong message.
Anyone could drink and drive.
No.
Raja, I would not even be in the same car with him.
Okay.
Well, how about I'm driving, and I hit you instead? How about I'm driving, and I hit you on your moped? I don't even drive a moped, you butt-munch! I'm a senior.
I wasn't about to give in.
I was sticking to my guns.
Back at home, Mom was facing her own challenge.
Do you know what I would love for dinner tonight? Hmm? Mashed potatoes.
And Mom was sticking to her guns, too.
Okeydoke.
Oh, what you got cooking? Oh, just making some mashed potatoes with my new potato masher from Williams Sonoma.
You're insane.
You know that, don't you? Hot diggity.
Love the mashed potatoes.
How about a little preview before dinner? Oh, no, Gar.
I think it's going to spoil your appetite.
Scientifically impossible.
Mmm! Fluffy! Justin, what do you think of thi What if I was in the car with you when you got in your accident, I wasn't wearing a seatbelt, and I got thrown through the windshield, and, uh I'm sorry, Dooley.
I got killed driving to a party by myself.
That's my back story.
Yeah, but you could have stopped to pick me up.
I was going to, but I was drunk, and I forgot.
But I called to remind you.
And my phone wasn't charged.
Crap! Hey.
Justin, I was thinking about Mr.
Matthews' suggestion, and perhaps a joint funeral with you and Dan Archer would be the best thing for What are you talking about? We are striking a blow here for the little people.
Yes, Justin, but No buts about it, Raja.
I got killed alone, and that's that.
And so, at 3:00 p.
m.
that afternoon, I, Justin Tolchuck, in the prime of my life, was killed in a single-occupant car accident as a result of drunk driving.
Not a bad turnout.
Check it out! Dan Archer's dead, too! Come on! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What?! Hey, Upchuck.
It's like you're not the only one who drinks and drives.
This isn't right.
I was dead first! Oh, but I was dead so much better.
Well, I am not backing down.
"Wake at the Lake.
" Tomorrow, 3:00.
Plenty of parking.
Well 3:00.
That's the same time as my funeral.
You should've taken me running you over when you had the chance.
It was my worst nightmare come true: competing funerals with the most popular kid in school.
What was I going to do? Hey, Champ.
Hi.
Why the long face? It's kind of hard to explain.
Well, I think I have something that may lift your spirits.
Yeah? Well, I was down at the bank this morning, and I ran into Fred Millstone.
He rents out speakers, audio equipment, that sort of thing.
He says he has a big job tomorrow.
Some huge blowout down at the lake for Dan Archer.
He's aeed to hire you for the evening, which means you are effectively at Dan Archer's party.
I kind of already have something to do.
Pity.
Sounds like it would be a lot of fun.
After talking to my dad, I realized that Dan Archer meant business.
But so did I.
I had tasted the good life, and I wanted more.
If Dan wanted a funeral war, that's what I was gonna give him.
JUSTIN'S FUNERAL Flyer for you, flyer for you.
Justin, may I please talk to you? Yeah.
Kind of busy right now, Raj.
Oop, sorry.
Here, take a flyer.
A flyer.
Do you not see what you are doing, huh? The Wasted Life event is supposed to be a sobering reminder about a real danger facing teens, and you have turned it into a circus.
What? Me?! If anyone's turned this into a circus, it's Dan Archer.
I need more flyers.
Oh, yup Justin, can you not work with Dan Archer, rather than fighting with him? Uh, no.
Look, I'm doing this for the little people who are sick and tired of getting the short end of the stick.
I know that that seemed to be the case at one point, but it now seems to be more about you.
Uh, yeah, can we talk about this in a couple hours, okay? I got to be in a coffin in two hours.
Take a flyer.
Take a flyer? What's that? A potato masher.
You liked yours so much, I got one as a retirement gift for Mrs.
Lockard.
Funny, I couldn't find mine at Williams Sonoma.
I had to go somewhere else.
I think that's a lovely idea.
You do? Because I'm gonna give it to her.
It'll be from the both of us.
Great.
I'll help you wrap it.
At long last, this was it.
My final send-off, the big sleep,show time! How do I look? Surprisingly lifelike.
So, how's the turnout? Well, it is hard to-to judge exactly.
Well, come on.
Just give me like a ballpark figure.
Very well.
Two.
Counting you.
What?! I couldn't believe it.
After everything I had done, not a single kid had shown up to my funeral.
Where were the emos, the geeks, the Goths? Where are the stoners? They promised they'd come! Dude, wasn't there something we were supposed to be at? Dan got beer kegs.
It's a slaughter, dude.
Everyone's at the Wake at the Lake.
So now everybody will drive drunk from a drunk driving funeral.
Oh, this is wonderful.
Raja might have had a point, but I was too annoyed to listen.
I had died, and no one cared.
Even my sister had more important things to do.
It is so good to see you, Mrs.
Lockard.
I hope you enjoy your retirement.
Oh, thank you, dear.
Lovely to see you again.
Oh! Bye, Mrs.
Lockard.
Bye, bye.
Oh! Well, here it is- the gift table.
I can see that, Claire.
I'm not blind.
I'm putting it down.
No reason not to.
Well, that's it.
Anything you'd like to say before we go? I hope she likes it.
I can't do this.
Thank God.
Ooh, my goodness! What on earth is it? It's a potato masher.
Excuse me? I saw a poster for the funeral at the bank.
You said spread the word.
I spread the word.
Anyway, I just wanted to thank you.
What you kids are doing is really important.
I lost my son Adam in a drunk driving accident.
That was almost eight years ago now.
Still feels like yesterday.
I'm really sorry.
Thank you.
And I was.
I had completely lost sight of what this was supposed to be about.
I knew what I had to do.
Will you guys come with me to Dan Archer's funeral? Okay.
So we went to the Wake at the Lake to serve as designated drivers.
It was the least I could do after screwing things up so bad.
And as it turns out, being sober had its benefits.
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