Bizaardvark (2016) s01e17 Episode Script

1 I can't believe we get to go to the Vuuugle holiday party this year.
It's supposed to be legendary! I heard they're gonna have virtual snow, a boxing snowman, and punch! Which I guess is pretty normal, but who knows what flavors they'll have! It's red! Attention, everyone.
In addition to announcing our annual toy donation drive, I am also here to kick off Vuuugle's more selfish tradition Secret Santa.
Except since you're all terrible at keeping secrets and will post everything to your channels anyway, this year we're calling it "Santa.
" We don't post everything on our channels.
I know! "I know," I said.
- Frankie, I got you! - And I got you! Same thing as last year, the gift of friendship? And my holiday shopping's done.
I got myself! I'm gonna regift that five-pack of lipsticks I got myself last year.
I'll never know.
Ugh, I got Horse Face Guy.
But I don't know anything about him.
What are you supposed to get a guy with a horse face? Horse stuff? Face stuff? It appears this innocent holiday tradition just took a very troubling turn.
Um Liam? I didn't get to pick a name.
Also, there's no stocking with my name on it.
Also, I didn't get an invitation to the Vuuugle party.
I'm sure these are all unrelated incidents, since there doesn't appear to be any pattern.
You're not invited to the party.
What? Why not? Because it's for Vuuuglers only, no exceptions.
Hold on, Liam.
One thing I've learned as a professional agent is everything's a negotiation.
How about I come to the party for one hour? Absolutely not.
If necessary, I'll have you physically thrown out.
And the give-and-take begins.
Both: You could spend all day On a swing eating a baguette But why do boring things like that When there's the Internet? Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! - Let's go make some videos - Hey! You could watch Dirk doing crazy dares - Saying, "Here we go" - Here we go! He'll do anything you want Just don't try this at home Or watch Amelia teaching ya How to look your best Making over people is her never-ending quest You could watch Do you have constant foot odor? You could watch us make ridiculously funny videos Like the one with evil pop-up books That punch you in the nose Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! Let's go make some videos And I I missed it.
Hey, Bernie, we heard you weren't invited to the Vuuugle party.
Are you okay? Why wouldn't I be? Just because all my best friends are going to a party I'm not invited to? Yes.
It's cool.
I got a way better party to go to that night, anyway.
It's at my grandma's house.
There's gonna be tons of old people there, so you know, lots of wisdom passed down from another generation.
Are you sure you're okay? 'Cause we kind of heard you crying in the bathroom.
Um I was out of toilet paper.
Are you sure? 'Cause we also heard you yell, "I can't believe I'm not going!" Uh that was also toilet related.
Guys! I'm fine.
I'm gonna be the big man at the kids' table this year.
My cousin Trent went to boarding school, so he's out of the picture.
We get it, Trent! You're cool 'cause your clothes have a bunch of zippers! Also, Fire Chief Pulaski will be there.
That's always a fun holiday tradition getting insulted by my grandma's new boyfriend.
Yeah Bernie, we're happy to try to get you into the Vuuugle party.
Oh, thank you so much! Also, you didn't happen to hear me in the bathroom screaming, "Why is this my life? Everyday's a nightmare," did you? - Uh-uh.
- No.
Yeah.
I don't know what to get Horse Face Guy.
I know nothing about him.
One bad gift could ruin his entire year, and turn him into a raging lunatic bent on revenge! Or not.
Like I said, I know nothing about the guy.
Well, there he is! Let's watch and see if we can learn more about him.
This is good! He obviously likes dogs! Or he rescues abandoned accordions? Both: Uh Yeah, good luck, buddy.
Bernie, we know how much you wanna go to the party, so we called in a favor from the Internet's favorite baker.
Rosanna Pansino.
Pan-a-rama Ding-Dong! Bernie! Are you hitting on her? No, he obviously smells a fresh batch of my Pan-a-rama Ding-Dongs.
Uh yeah, th the food thing, that's what I - Bernie.
- You're pretty.
Okay, I heard about your problem and I want to help.
So I'm thinking, what if I bake a giant cake, put you inside of it, and then sneak you into the holiday party? - Or - This is gonna be worse.
I eat all your holiday cookies, gain 50 pounds, and sneak into the party as Santa.
Bernie, that's never gonna work.
You're right.
My metabolism turns everything I eat into pure muscle.
That's not why I Sure.
Rosanna, do you have those cookies ready for me? Yep, here they are.
A fresh batch of self-portrait cookies.
I'm frowning in all of these.
They're perfect! Wait a minute.
Are you guys scheming to bake Bernie into a cake so he can sneak into the Vuuugle party? - What? - How'd you know that? Seems like a dumb idea you'd have.
Also, the poster.
Liam, you have to let Bernie come to the party.
If he can't come, then Frankie and I quit Vuuugle.
Okay fine.
Yes! Leave your key cards at the front desk.
It's been so-so knowing you.
Uh, wait, wai wait! We take that back! Um, quick! Reboot him! Oh, no! All my memories are gone! Except for the one where Bernie's not invited to the party.
Come on, Liam, there's gotta be some way Bernie can come to the party.
The only way he could come is if he had 10,000 subscribers and was a real Vuuugler like everyone else.
Well, looks like Bernie Schotz is gonna have to solve this problem the old-fashioned way by becoming an Internet star! All: Yeah! I have very little faith in this plan.
Jumping felt good, though.
Hey-hey, Swoldiers! Welcome to "Feel the Bern" with Bernie Schotz, here to show you how to get more shredded than taco cheese.
But first, the most important part of weightlifting oilin' up! Most people overlook the armpits rookie mistake.
Bernie, are you usin' my weights? Checkin' out my vid? How many subs do I have? Four million? Fitty million? Negative three.
What? How is a negative even possible? A negative subscriber count happens when a viewer dislikes a video so much, they cancel their entire Internet plan.
Don't get down, Bern-Man.
Thanks to you, people are turning off their computers and going outside.
And then finding a river to dump their computers in! 'Cause that video whew! Guys, what am I gonna do? I need this channel to take off so I can get into the party.
Bernie, I think your problem is your channel doesn't have an identity.
- It's weightlif - It's not weightlifting.
You need to find your brand.
What's the name of your channel? Bernie Schotz.
And what's your best feature? Bernie Schotz! Okay.
What are your likes? Bernie Schotz! Uh, dislikes? (sighs) Bernie Schotz.
We're done here.
Come on, guys, everybody's good at something.
We just have to figure out what Bernie's good at, make that his channel, and that'll get him into the party.
Yeah! Oh we're not doin' the freeze frame? Okay.
Paige: Pranks! Hey, Internet.
Today, I'm gonna put this itching powder on Bagpipe Ninja's (sneezes) (screams) The pain! (screams) I saw that coming, yet I did nothing.
Dirk: Gaming.
What up, Internet? Today, I'm gonna be showing you how to play "Sunshine Farm.
" Step one, creating my farmer avatar.
Which overalls should I pick, blue or light blue or - (cawing) - Oh! Those crows came outta nowhere! This game doesn't even have crows! Amelia: Meditation with Bernard Schotz.
Aah! The itching powder won't stop! The shower only made it worse! (screaming) No! None of these gifts scream Horse Face Guy.
Not even this plastic fish that screams "Horse Face Guy.
" Horse Face Guy.
I have to get him something meaningful.
Something that says, "Hey, Horse Face Guy, I see you.
I know you.
I care about you.
" So like a gift card? I'm not marryin' the guy.
Oh! Good! I'm glad you're here.
I could really use your help.
You don't want my help.
Everything I do is a failure.
My channel stinks.
So I'm gonna be stuck at home with my grandma while all my friends are at the greatest party of their lives.
Looks like somebody's got a case of the holiday ho-hums.
And it's me! Here's a case of my Holiday Ho-Hums.
Anyhoo, I'm about to live stream my holiday special and my assistant just canceled.
I could really use a man like you.
A man like me? Oh.
A man like me.
- Are you sure this is - No time to talk, we're goin' live.
Hey, guys! It's Ro.
Today, we're making candy cane cookies.
I'll start by mixing flour, butter and eggs.
Elf Bernie, could you unwrap the mini candy canes? Yeah.
I think I can handle that.
Come on! Come on.
Please, please.
That's it! I give up! I hate you, candy canes! I'm useless! I can't do pranks! I was killed by crows in the set-up phase of the farm game! I was born with three extra teeth! And I'm not allowed to watch TV shows with puppets in them! Are you okay? - Would you rather organize the gumdrops - Back off, Pansino! I cry at dog food commercials! Everyone thinks I'm gonna grow up to be one of those guys who spins signs! I'm already going bald except on my back! And my middle name is Miriam! (screams) Liam! Great news! Bernie can come to the party! His freakout with Rosanna Pansino went viral and drove 14,000 subscribers to his channel.
Everyone's calling it "Angry Elf.
" Angry Elf.
Another high for the Internet.
Bern-Man, you got enough subscribers to come to the party! I'll print you an invitation.
But I'll take satisfaction in knowing that my toner is low.
Cool, that's awesome.
Aren't you excited? Yeah.
Sorry, I was up all night responding to comments from my new subscribers.
They were sayin' stuff like, "I can't wait to see this weirdo freak out again.
" But don't worry, I gave each and every one of those jerks a piece of my mind.
Uh-oh.
Subscribers don't like being called jerks.
Check his channel.
He's down to 9,000 subscribers.
He's below 10,000.
Bernie, you're officially uninvited.
Luckily, my robot has been equipped with high-tech paper destruction capabilities.
Hi-yah! Hi-yah! Hi-yah! Destroyed.
Sorry, Bern-Man.
This isn't right.
If Bern-Man doesn't get to go to the party, none of us are going, either.
I like "Bern-Man.
" - Both: I'm not going.
- Dirk: Yeah.
Guys, I appreciate everything, but that party's gonna be awesome.
You have to go.
You earned it.
Besides Aw, they're all gone.
(loud laughter) So! Now that Trent's gone, there's a new zipper guy in town.
Yeah.
I'm the oldest and most mature kid at the table, and I'm happy to answer any questions you might have about the world.
Where's Trent? Eat your chicken, Eli.
Bernard, I need you to sit next to Aunt Doris and keep her from flirting with my boyfriend.
If Chief Pulaski and I are gonna break up, it's not gonna be because of her, it's gonna be because of my anger problem! Hear that, you little monsters? I'm goin' to the adult table, where I'll get the respect I deserve.
Hey, Chief Pulaski.
Happy Hanukkah.
You shake hands like a fish.
I love this virtual snow! It's just like playing in real snow, but without any of the actual life experience! Hey, wanna go check out the breakdancing Santas? I don't know.
Bernie really wanted to see those Santas pop and lock.
Yeah.
Everything here sort of reminds me of him.
You guys have to try the shrimp! Shrimp.
See what I mean? Hey! Cool party, huh? Both: Eh.
Is everything here making you guys think about Bernie, too? Have you tried the punch? It looks bubbly and sweet, but it leaves a bitter taste in your mouth.
All: Aw.
That's what Bernie does.
By the way, steer clear of the upstairs bathroom.
It's having toilet problems.
All: Toilet problems! Good evening.
I am pleased to announce that our holiday toy drive has been a huge success.
Although I question our decision to pair it with "Santa's Chimney Slam Dunk Game.
" - (glass breaking) - Whoo! The holidays mean family, and here at Vuuugle, we're a family of our own, and we're all here together, the entire family, everyone family, together.
And since I've been told that I must speak for a mandatory five minutes, I'm just going to repeat that last line over and over.
Family.
Everyone.
Family.
Together.
And that's why I prefer Trent.
Now that boy knew how to wear a zipper.
(sung to the melody of "Silent Night") Bernie Schotz Bernie Schotz - Are those carolers? - Better! They're Vuuuglers.
We are sorry for (all sing over each other) We probably should've practiced.
What are you guys doing here? Sorry we left you behind, Bern-Man.
We decided we couldn't celebrate the holidays without you.
I can't believe you guys left such an amazing party to come here.
Oh, we didn't leave the party.
(whistling) Humminah-humminah! That's right! I made you some of my famous Hanukkah Humminah-humminahs! Paige and Frankie: Go Bernie! Go Bernie! Go Bernie! - (glass clinking) - Attention! No, that's all.
I just love attention! Oh, and everyone should open up their Secret Santa gifts.
I'll start.
Ooh, this one's from me.
I can't wait to see what it is.
(gasps) A five-pack of lipsticks? I love it! What a cheapskate.
Horse Face Guy.
I thought long and hard about what to get you, and I really hope you like it.
Son? What? How did you figure out to reunite Horse Face Guy with his long-lost father? The clues were everywhere! Liam? What are you doin' here? Bernie, technically you're not a Vuuugler, and certainly you're not a member of the family.
But you're something, and that's something.
That's all I've ever wanted to hear you say.
By the way, how was the kids' table? I actually got promoted to the grownups' table.
It's okay.
A lot more talk of low-sodium soup than I would've hoped.
Hey! That would be a great idea for a holiday video.
Another low-sodium soup video? No, kid at the adult table.
Normally at the holidays, I get seated at the kids' table with all the babies.
- Babies? I'm 13.
- And I'm at least 13.
But this year, the adults asked me to sit at their table.
So let's put a napkin on these knees and get all grown up.
At the adult table they're servin' duck confit You know it's fancy 'cause those words don't make no sense to me And we got Aunt Millie, Man, her stories are crazy She talkin' 'bout her New vacuum? Kids table We got candy Like a giant gingerbread school And we got Santa swingin' nunchuks But sure, your table is cool Kids table Kids table The place to be Kids table, kids table Don't you agree Kids table, kids table The place to be Kids table, kids table Giant TV Okay, that was kind of better But not it's a competition Our table's so high and our forks are real forky Also, there's games and there's even, um And Nah, this is terrible Kids table got hydraulics It was worth the enormous price Then we wished on a star and a snowman came to life Kids table, kids table The place to be Kids table, kids table Don't you agree? Kids table, kids table The place to be Kids table, kids table Her name is Brie Back at the kids table where I belong I'll have to say sorry right after this song I'm feelin' so good, man I did the right thing And the biggest surprise is this snowman can sing Ave Maria - Wow.
- Bizaardvark.
- At the Bernie table we got - Aw! Stupid Chief Pulaski, breakin' up with me for Aunt Doris! Go, Grandma-bro! Wow, nine rounds.
Your grandma's a beast! Oh, gotcha! You better be careful next time, you could've gotten hurt.
Please, I'm as tough as a box of bricks.
Funny.
That's how I like my women.
Oh, man! If your grandma marries Horse Face Guy's dad, that would make you and Horse Face Guy brothers.
Yeah Wait.
No.
That would make him my Both: Dad?