Black-ish (2014) s01e17 Episode Script

Look at all those sad dads.
Can you believe I'm the same age as "Mr.
I wear a cellphone holster out in public"? The difference between me and them is that I've still got my swagger.
I may be days away from turning 40, but age is really nothing more than a state of mind.
For me, I'm not getting older.
Whoo! I'm getting better.
Whoo! Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Because I know exactly who I am.
And right now, that's someone who's in a lot of pain.
Why-y-y-y-y?! Oh, my God! Baby boy, what happened? Oh, come on.
Come on.
Get on my back.
Let me carry you over to the couch.
Come on.
Mama, look, I just rolled my ankle.
Ohh.
My baby's bones are brittle.
Someone's been giving him skim milk.
- What - You go sit down.
I'm gonna bring you a mug of half-and-half.
- Okay, Ma.
- Oh, yeah.
Sweetheart, how many times do I have to tell you? You are way too old to be playing basketball.
Ah, maybe you should tell that to the young bucks I whupped up on today.
Oh.
So, are those the same young bucks that carried you off the court or the ones that drove you to the hospital? Both.
I'm just saying, if you're gonna keep playing basketball, I think you really need to play a less intense game, maybe with more Colins and Ethans and less Maliks and Jamals.
Are you trying to tell me I belong in a white game? Oh, I'm absolutely telling you that.
White game, Game of Whites.
Okay.
Game of Whites.
Mm-hmm.
- Dad? - Hmm? Grandma says you're falling apart 'cause mom isn't feeding you right.
Here is your half-and-half.
Oh, look at that.
She put whipped cream on top of my half-and-half.
Poor old, old, old Dad.
- You're never gonna see me grow up.
- What? He's not even gonna make it through his birthday party next week.
I think you look good for your age, Dad.
Thank you, son.
40's not bad, right? You're only 40?! Good Lord! You've lived a hard life! Why doesn't mom look terrible, like you? 'Cause mom was a child bride.
Ohhhhh! You know, statistically, by the time you get to 40, more than half your life is over.
All you've got left is that long, painful, downhill slide toward the unforgiving black abyss of death.
- Whoa.
- Guys, suddenly, this just got very real.
Let's go.
No.
Don't look.
Just walk.
That's enough shopping.
Let's go home.
- Hey! What was that for?! - Hey! Come on! - You broke my heart! - Really? Guys! Your dad is turning 40.
Oh, yeah.
We buried him on that one.
Yeah, but this is a huge deal.
40 is a milestone.
So no gift cards, no creepy kid-massage coupons, and no macaroni footprints.
You couldn't have taken me aside for that one? Okay, you need to get him something special.
- Like what? - Yeah, what does dad want? You should not be asking me that.
He is your father.
Figure it out.
Like now! Figure it out! Let's go.
It's a big deal, you guys.
- What? - You don't know what he wants, either.
You have no idea what your husband likes.
Like you do.
I absolutely do.
I breastfed him until he was 7.
Ugh.
I did not need to know that, okay? And trust me I know what my man likes, and I'm gonna get him something great, okay? Well, I hope you can.
Is that a challenge? Oh.
I don't think it's a challenge.
I know it's not a challenge.
Well, then It ain't on.
No.
It is not.
Sleep well.
- You also.
- Thank you.
So, what do you guys think dad wants for his birthday? I already got him something.
You spelled "Birthday" wrong.
I know.
People think it's cute when I do that.
You know what We should pool our money so that we could get dad something really nice.
I'll start.
I have zero dollars.
All my money is in Diane's hands, and she won't tell me how much we have.
I feel like I'm going to come home one day and you'll be gone.
Pssh! What?! That's crazy.
He's crazy.
Don't you ever put me on blast like that.
So How much money do you have saved? I mean, I don't have Diane money, but I'm okay.
Here's the thing, though What can we buy dad that he can't buy himself? Yeah, you're right.
We should, like, make him something.
No.
Something personal and meaningful.
And free! I'm happy not to spend any of my money.
Sorry.
Our money.
So, my ankle was better, but some people wanted to remind me that I wasn't getting any younger.
- Hey, Dre.
- Hey.
Hey, H.
R.
tells me you're turning the big 4-0, huh? You doing anything special? No, nothing special Same as last year.
Hey, turning 40 No big deal.
I can't believe you're about to turn 40.
We thought you were, like, way younger.
Yeah, is it more offensive that I assumed that you started having kids as a preteen or that I can't tell how old black people are? Let me see.
They're both pretty offensive.
D-do I have to pick just one? Hey, Charlie, can you tell how old Dre is? Huh? Uh - About a week shy of 40? - That is settled.
Let's move on to some new business Red Bull.
Oh, hey, I got some great ideas about that.
Oh, you know what? Actually, you've kind of aged out of that demographic.
You are gonna be my big dog on the Stool-Softener account.
- What?! - Yeah.
He said you're getting the Stool Softener! Hey, Charlie.
- You're his big dog! - Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
O fellas, look, advertising is about cool, and in cool, black 40 is the white 25.
Y'all know I still got the most swag at this firm.
Ohh.
- Not since Curtis got here.
- My assistant? What? - Here you go, boss.
- Oh, thanks.
Now, I put butter in there instead of sugar and cream.
It's a little tip that I picked up while I was doing EDM Beats with this kid in Milan.
Namaste, fellas.
Ah.
He's so cool.
- That guy's amazing.
- He's so cool.
That is not cool.
Yeah, but what definitely is cool is that he, unlike someone else, doesn't have to get colonoscopies on the company dime.
Although you probably should have gotten one already 'cause, in health, black No, it's not! All right? I'm the healthiest I've ever been.
- You've been limping for years.
- That's my stroll.
I-I've only had this limp for a week.
But I'm fine.
You know what? You're lucky I don't have my basketball gear here, 'cause if I did, I'd take you out on the court and school all y'all asses.
- No.
- I've got some gym clothes you can borrow.
What? Please.
By the way, you're working the hell out of them panties, Dre.
Yeah, well, you know, if anybody can work this, it's me.
Man, I can't believe these dudes think I'm old.
Let's just start again.
Yeah, well, look, you prove your point, and then you get the hell on out of here, all right? This is my white-guy group.
You go get your own.
Charlie, I don't want your white guys, man.
Brad! What's happening? I'm being for real here, Dre.
These white guys are my hookup to things that brothers can't get Nighttime dentists, hockey tickets, cure for AIDS, that black seat on the space ark when the world ends.
- Hey, don't worry about it, man.
- I don't know what you're doing now.
I'm just here to show these dudes that I haven't lost a step since I'll be turning 40.
All right, guys, that's good.
Everybody, hey, time for a little roundball.
Bring it in.
- Now watch me dominate.
- Okay.
Ohh! Damn it! Ow! God! - What's wrong, Dre? - Aw, I got a leg cramp.
Don't worry about it, man.
I got a banana in my bag.
I'm just gonna sit here and let this potassium do its thing.
Okay.
Whew.
Mmm Mnh! Mnh! Oh, God! Aah! Oh, God! What's wrong, Dre?! I'm dying! Package for Ruby Johnson.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes! Yes! No.
That's for me.
Very special gift for my very special boy.
And another for Rainbow Johnson.
Oh.
That's got to hurt.
This is not over.
So, what'd you get him? Oh, I don't know.
This is just some Swiffer refills.
Good timing.
Thank you.
Ow.
Oh, baby, I'm so sorry about your tooth.
Is there anything that I could maybe buy you that might make you feel better? Like I don't know.
Like golf clubs or a used Segway? - What's the point? - What? My body parts are abandoning me like rats from a sinking ship.
Dre, it's a tooth.
Do not turn this into a midlife crisis.
But this is a real crisis.
This isn't just about me getting old.
It's about me losing my swag! Oh, my God.
Wait.
Your swag? Okay.
You can joke about it, because you ain't got none.
- Wh - And and and you don't need any.
You got that stupid medical degree, that That round butt, that that pretty face to fall back on.
Look, babe, I just got this.
I'm a cool black dude.
And if I'm not cool, I'm just a black dude, all right, like Tim Duncan without the fundamentals.
You're always gonna be cool to me.
But you need to get the tooth fixed before your birthday party.
I forgot we were still doing that.
What? No.
It's gonna be awesome.
The neighbors are gonna come over.
They're gonna bring food.
We're gonna play Celebrity.
It's gonna be a Jammy Jam.
- No! - What? No, and don't you ever say "Jammy Jam" again.
- Jammy Jam.
- N-n-no! - Jammy Jam! - You stop it! I don't want to have an old-guy party.
- You know what? - "Stop.
" - I'm gonna throw my own party.
- What? And it's gonna be the coolest and the swaggiest! And everybody's gonna come! They're gonna even write about it on Bossip.
- On? - You know, I might even get my own dance out of it, called the Dre.
We just gonna do a little something like this - and do it like that, and then we - No, no, no.
- Bop! Bop! - All right.
Okay.
- Ow! Ow.
- Yes.
Be careful.
Hurt my neck.
You know what? We'll find it.
Yep.
You need to find it 'cause you are lost.
Baby Night and day Baby Night and day Baby I feel like this has been done before, but Better.
Aw! Maybe a talent show is a bad idea.
I mean, he's our dad, and he's a sap.
We got to tug on some heartstrings.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
Hey, everybody! I hear it's Dre Johnson's birthday! - No.
- No.
Sorry, handbone.
You're a mess.
So, Operation Swag Back was in full effect.
I was planning my big party, and it was testing off the charts.
- Ooh, this is crazy! - I know, right? So, when everybody's leaving, they'll get a thumb drive of all 40 tracks that they just partay'd to at the 40th birthday partay to end all partays! Oh, hoo! Oh, man! You ain't giving them a chance, Dre! I'm killing 'em.
Vis-ion-ary.
That's what they call me.
You hear that, Curtis? Everyone's gonna get a thumb drive with the music from the partay.
That's hilarious, man.
Can you imagine somebody actually doing that? Huh? Oh, that's actually happening? Y-you know what? That's that's probably gonna be tight, boss man.
Yep.
Damn right it's gonna be tight.
I throw a fly party.
You'll see.
You got to come through.
I-I got to come through? Is that like a mandatory work thing or? You kn you know what? It's cool.
I'm sure it'll be done early enough for me to do something fun afterwards.
What Uh, what you talking about hitting later? 'Cause I'll probably do a lap at dude's thing and then bounce.
Charlie.
You literally just called me a visionary.
Let it go, Dre.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Hold on.
You really think my party's gonna be whack? All right, look, to be honest with you It sounds like a Jammy Jam.
- Damn! - What? Jammy Jam? Okay, hold.
What would you do? I don't know.
Uh, maybe a rotating bullpen of deejays.
Okay.
And let's talk about staff.
SMADS.
SMADS? Singer, model, actress, dancer.
Right? So, Curtis went on to describe an incredible party, and I realized I had a new party planner.
And you put that all together and you do it at a crazy-cool secret hot spot, that's how you throw a party in 2015.
Wow.
Okay, I'm with that.
Now, he's the visionary.
And you inviting me to a Jammy Jam.
Now, what size are these SMADS? - Because I like thick'ums.
- Wha So, it's my husband's 40th birthday, and his favorite movie growing up was "Beastmaster.
" So, long story short How much for a ferret? - Uh-huh.
- Dre's real gift finally came, something he's been wanting since he was 16 Motorcycle lessons.
Cost a fortune.
But can you really put a price on making your baby's dreams come true? It's a lot.
Okay, what about, like, a python? O-or like a not-that-poisonous snake? So, with the party fast approaching, I put myself in Curtis' hands and let him turn me into a swaggier version of myself.
Now, I got this thing with my hat that I do like this.
Oh.
Okay.
Um Really? - You know, 'cause I can't see.
- What? Hey, Dad.
Uh, for reasons we can't share, we need you to help us get in the attic.
Okay.
Slow your roll, son.
I'm getting swaggified right now.
- But, Dad, we need - Hey, hey, hey, baby girl.
Look, I only have a few minutes with Curtis, all right? He's a very busy man, and he's taking some valuable time from his day to help me.
Aren't you his boss? - Get out of here! All right?! - Ok.
I'm trying to get swaggified! - Let's move on to the accoutrements.
- All right.
Now, in the club, they like glow sticks, glow necklaces.
- Right.
- Weak.
- What? - Glow mouth guard.
What?! Get out of here! Oh! This is it! - Okay, get me 600 of these.
- Yeah! So, on the evening of the party, I wanted to do a walk-through of the venue.
Now, I know a lot of people think Skid Row is a little ratchet, but trust me - Mm-hmm.
- It's the business.
Okay.
Yeah.
T-that's what I'm looking for Ratchet business.
Word.
Word.
Like, I was just here the other night, and it was sick! - What? - Yo, uh I could have swore it was right here.
What? Damn, son.
- What? - They tore it down.
They They tore it down? They tore it down! Tell me that spot ain't cool.
What? Are you hearing yourself right now? I have 200 people coming to my 40th birthday party, and you're telling me I don't have a venue.
I'm telling you that I found a venue so cool That it's gone.
You are welcome.
Oh.
Uh So, you saying no to this? 'Cause this will still work, boss! We'll get some we'll get some fold-out chairs and a jumper! So, we just need one last piece from dad, and we're done, right? Yep, and I don't want to sound corny, but putting this much thought into his gift Kind of making me love him even more.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Bow.
- Hey, Dad, can we - Not now.
Okay, guys? - But we really I said, "not now.
" This is what I get for opening my heart.
Babe, I can't believe Curtis messed up my whole party.
And this jacket is tight.
Yeah, if you like purple leather.
No.
I mean literally tight.
Like, I can barely move my arms.
You know, babe, if you think about it, this whole party fiasco is someone else's fault entirely.
Mm-hmm.
- Yours.
- I No.
I'm pretty sure it's Curtis' fault.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
'Cause, you know, the Dre I fell in love with had so much swag that he would have trusted himself instead of turning his party over to some kid.
Huh.
Yeah, you're right.
It was Curtis' fault.
What I need to do is salvage this party.
Okay.
Nate.
What up, little man? I need six cases Champagne.
It's going down! With two hours to go until the party and no venue, no food, and no music, I had no choice but to go old-school and use my contacts to throw a house party.
But for it to be a truly epic Dre Johnson joint, I also had to call in a favor.
Yo, J.
D.
What's up, man? It's Dre.
Yo, Dre, what's up? I sold like 250 million records.
Uh Yeah.
I know.
Hey, hey, listen, I need a favor, brother.
Man, anything for you.
I discovered Bow Wow.
Okay.
I-I don't see what that has to do with anything.
But, um, look, man, I'm glad you can help me out.
So, So Def.
Okay.
Okay.
Hey! So, by the time the first guests arrived, I'd pulled it off.
Go, shorty, it's your birthday Somebody put your hands in the air one time! We gonna party like it's your birthday And it was cool.
You still just gonna take that lap? Or are you gonna stay? Oh, oh, oh, I ain't going nowhere.
Hey, hey, Dad.
- Oh, hey, Zoey.
- So, I was wondering if you could Hey, boss man, this party is bananas! Give me one second, okay? Ah.
- A party at your own house? - Mm-hmm.
How'd you think of that? 'Cause he's the best, "New School.
" And stop asking me to go to that thing with you later.
I'm staying at dude's party.
Uh, so, Dad I was wondering, before it's not your birthday, - if we could actually show you - Yo! Yo! Yo, party people! I go by the name of Jermaine Dupri, and it's time that we give a big shout-out to my man, Dre Johnson! - What's up? - What up, J.
D.
? Hey, give me a second, Zo-Zo, okay? Happy Birthday, Dre.
Thanks, J.
D.
You know I danced for Whodini, right? Uh Yes, I did.
And I'm vegan.
- Like, no meat.
- Okay.
Completely off the dairy.
I did it.
I got my swag back.
On no notice, I threw a killer party with the people I care most about.
Wait.
Where are the people I care most about? Zo? Oh.
You're all up here.
- What's going on? - Nothing.
We were all waiting up here to show you the present we got you.
Well, where is my present, baby girl? No, it can wait till after the party.
Jermaine Dupri's spinning.
He made "Money ain't a Thing.
" He told me while I was waiting behind him at the taco bar.
Okay, look, look, look, the party can wait, okay? Now, where's my gift? All right.
Sit down.
Oh.
"Sit down.
" Okay.
Oh.
Let's dance in style, let's dance for a while Heaven can wait, we're only watching the skies Hoping for the best but expecting the worst Are you gonna drop the bomb or not? Let us die young or let us live forever I'd been so obsessed with getting my swag back, but then I realized the only people you really need to have swagger for are the people who don't care if you have any at all.
Forever young, I want to be forever young Look at my family.
_ Do you really want to live forever? Hey.
Forever I love you guys.
We love you, too.
- The kids did a nice job.
- Mm-hmm.
So, what'd you end up getting your man? Oh, nothing big.
Just those four children over there making him cry tears of joy.
- Cop-out.
- Oh.
Also, later tonight, I plan on doing things to your son that are gonna make it very hard for him to ride a motorcycle anytime soon.
Girl, I don't want to hear that! [Gasps.]
Oh, no, no.
Wait! Unh-unh! Unh-unh! - Wait! Wait.
That came out wrong! - Oh, no, no.
it's nasty.
- No, but it came out wrong.
- I don't want to think about it, for the love of god.