Bunheads (2012) s01e17 Episode Script

Mrs.
Weidemeyer? It's me, Sasha.
Your neighbor.
Are you home? Come on, you old crone.
You're always home.
Ginny, hey.
It's me.
I just got home and my front door is wide open.
Not sure what to do.
Call me.
Mrs.
Weidemeyer, if you're there and you heard that unfortunate verbal slip I just made, I'm very sorry, it came out of the moment, and I want to make it up to you.
I think you have an MRI next week? Love to be your wheels.
Boo? Not there.
Okay.
What good are cellphones? Look, there might be a burglar in my place.
Call me.
Call police.
Calling Paula.
Mobile.
Cancel.
Call police.
Calling Paulito's Trattoria.
Work.
Cancel.
Call police.
Calling Paul's Bakery.
Work.
Bunheads 1x17 - It's Not a Mint Original air date February 18, 2013 Oh.
- Mm.
Delicious.
- Heaven.
- Whoa.
- What? - I think I just saw God.
- From eating a marshmallow? - His ways are strange.
- What did he look like? - Judy Garland.
- God's a good gig for her.
You're falling behind, Truly.
Come.
Have another one.
You know the old saying.
"My hips say no, but my mouth says" get in there, Truly, and enjoy something without feeling the life-sucking guilt "your mother beat into you for 20 years.
" Is that how the old saying goes? Word for word.
Coolness.
A text from my fiance.
Oh, they can text on life alert pendants now? Ignoring that.
He's all packed and ready to drive out here tomorrow.
His best man's riding shotgun.
They have been friends since grade school.
- Isn't that cute? - They can reminisce about soup lines and ice wagons.
Best man? When are you and Rick getting married? Tomorrow.
On the beach at sunset.
Reception to follow at the Madonna Inn.
The weirdest, coolest place in cali.
Ah, girls, you know what marrying a lovely man of means means? No more performing.
I can hang up the tights, hang up the headdresses.
Do you know I have worked every new year's Eve since I was 17? I have never celebrated new year's.
Now Rick and I can celebrate new year's.
If he makes it to new year's.
- So obvious.
- Getting sloppy.
And I can craft.
I've always wanted to craft.
You have never wanted to craft.
Well, I do now.
It'll be dirty crafting, but it'll be crafting.
And I don't have to go to the gym six days a week.
I can even gain three pounds.
- Think about that! - I'd still love you if you gained five.
And I can get a pack of pekingese to greet me at the door when I come home from not working or working out.
And I can feed them from my giant bowl of bonbons.
What's a pekingese? Long-haired dog? Short hair.
I think, yeah.
Short.
And you won't miss performing? That's your thing, not mine.
Because Rick's your thing now.
Rick's my thing.
And Michelle's your maid of honor? Oh, we didn't even talk about that.
I'll do it if you want me to? Because maid of honor is an important part of any wedding, I think.
With the symbolism, and the expressionism, and the ceremonialism, and the Dalai-Lama-ism.
Where's she going with this? One of those wasn't even a word.
I just think you should have a designated maid of honor.
I would be a great maid of honor.
No one's ever asked me.
But they should.
Because I would be great.
If I do say so myself, which I just did.
- Oh, you gotta.
- You don't mind? Look at that face.
Truly, will you be my maid of honor? Yes! Really? I'll be a great one.
I just said that, didn't I? We need more chocolate.
More chocolate coming up.
Is she gonna remember she asked tomorrow? Very iffy.
- Sasha? - Aah! I'm sorry.
Are you okay? I locked that this morning for sure.
I remember doing it.
Did you call the police? Yes, after being on hold for 20 minutes they told me to go in and see if anyone's there.
- That's stupid.
- I was disappointed.
Well, it's probably nothing.
I'll go in and make sure it's all fine.
I locked that door.
- I believe you.
- Be careful.
Don't step on my fruit! It's an orange.
Who cares? It's a tangelo.
It's organic, and it cost like a thousand dollars.
Okay.
I'll watch the tangelos.
- What are you doing? - I'm coming with.
- No.
- I can help.
- I know the place.
- I know the place too.
I know it better.
It's a one bedroom apartment.
It's not like you need the schematics or anything.
- I'm going with you.
- Fine.
Anyone there? If you're there, you're gonna wish you weren't.
Oh, good.
That was good.
Nice forceful tone.
Listen, there's a baseball bat under the couch.
I don't need a baseball bat.
And there's an umbrella in the linen closet.
It's got pretty pony on it, but the end's really pointy.
You can poke his eyes out.
Hello? There's a tennis racket by the fireplace and there's ammonia under the sink.
So we can disinfect him? Blind him.
Then we'll overtake him.
Unless he found the pretty pony umbrella, in which case we're done for.
Was this door closed when you left? Yes.
No.
I don't remember.
Get the pretty pony.
Aah! Roman! There is a very large spider in that bathroom.
A spider? I mean, we're talking paleolithic horror movie type stuff here.
Where's my umbrella? He took it from me.
This is a very serious spider.
What about the bedroom? Let's check it.
There's another baseball bat in the closet and there's a crowbar under the bed.
Remind me never to make you mad at me.
Anything? Just the crowbar.
I think we're good.
- We're good? - We're good.
Good.
- Thank you for coming.
- Anytime.
I've never left that door open.
That was so stupid.
Yeah.
You should watch that.
I know you couldn't tell, but I was scared.
I could tell.
Your hands are cold.
They're always cold.
We should go check on Mrs.
Weidemeyer.
She might be dead.
Mrs.
Weidemeyer's fine.
We're here! Sasha, it's rusty! - And Nanette! - The Jordans! Rusty and nanette Jordan.
- Oh, thank God.
- Are you okay? Who is this boy? Do we know this boy? - I don't know this boy.
- This is Roman.
He got here first.
- Did you check all the rooms? - All the closets? - The bathrooms? - The cupboards? Yeah.
We checked it all.
- Oh, thank God.
- I want to make sure.
- Do we know this boy? - Yeah, we know him.
- Oh my God.
- She's okay.
- You're okay? - I'm okay.
- Hi, Roman.
- Hi, Boo.
So we know this boy? Yes, we know this boy.
- Rusty? - I'm doing a sweep.
We were so worried.
- I'm okay.
- Living room's clear.
- I'll check the kitchen.
- I got the kitchen.
Did you look under the bed? That's where they hide, under the bed.
I checked under the bed.
- I'm gonna check the bathroom.
- Yeah, check the bathroom.
Where'd you have the sledgehammer? Oh, I brought the sledgehammer.
You had to bring the Winkleburns? It wouldn't be safe to leave them in the car.
You thought there was a burglar in here.
That is safer? Oh, geez.
What the geez! - Rusty, what's happening?! - It's the biggest spider i've ever seen in here.
It's a monster! - Well, kill it! - I tried.
It won't die! Well Boo, get the Winkleburns.
Oh, it's looking right at me.
- Smash it with your sledgehammer.
- It took the sledgehammer! - Can you jump out the window? - I can't get out the window! It's got teeth! Five, six, seven, eight.
Good, guys.
Let's do it again.
Where are you spotting? Michelle, straps or strapless? - What? - For my maid of honor dress.
I'm making it straps or strapless? I don't know.
Straps, I guess.
Like minds.
Really use your feet.
Wide or spaghetti? Wide.
Go wide.
We are simpatico.
Land in fifth, please.
Time to pick a fabric, partner.
Truly, please.
Class ends in 20 minutes.
- We'll talk then.
- I have eight hours to get this made.
My focus right now is here, okay? Fair enough.
Nice.
Use your plies.
I'm leaning towards the crinkle chiffon.
Truly, ask Talia.
She's the bride.
I did, but I want a second opinion.
It's a dress, not a hip replacement.
What the hell? - Uh-oh.
- Bash.
- What zones? - Zones? What do you mean zones? Zone one? I'm zone one.
- I'm three.
- I'm four.
- I'm two.
- I'm lost.
This is a full and immediate evacuation, people.
Zones one through four.
Where's Fanny? Out of the country.
What's going on? The woods north of the highway are on fire.
Everyone in an evac zone needs to be in a shelter.
Oh, wow.
Okay.
So where do I go? You're already there.
What does that mean? The studio is one of two designated evacuation centers in town.
We're the east side evac.
They're the West Side.
Wait, so people are coming here to stay? To sleep? And I'm one of the ones in charge.
That's why I'm wearing this cap.
- That says "Cap.
" - That's right.
That just seems silly.
Cap stands for Captain.
It identifies my authority.
You'd better catch up here.
Hmm.
You've got a big head, - but I think it'll fit.
- Think what'll fit? The "Cap" cap.
It comes with the job.
We'll have to broom out these chairs here.
What job? With Fanny gone, you are the designated co-captain of the East Side Evacuation Center.
- No.
I refuse.
- Yes.
You can't.
- I'm unqualified.
- So was I, and look at me now.
The town is doomed.
Listen, time is of the essence here.
There's no one else to do this.
So if you care about your community, put the "Cap" cap on.
Head's too big.
So, all the immediate-need food and water supplies will be set up and dispensed along the South wall here.
"Food and water supplies.
" Got it.
- Don't write that down.
- Okay.
And this will be laptops with Internet connections so people can keep in touch with loved ones.
"In touch with loved ones.
" Sweet.
- Don't write that down.
- Crossing it off.
And over there is our medical area.
Bandages, IV, analgesics, all the basics.
"All the basics.
" - Don't write that down.
- Why did you give me a clipboard? Most of the rest of this space will be sleeping areas.
So you and I will have to sit down and figure out how to divide people up.
Make a chart.
Divide them up? Make a chart? Why? Obviously families can stay together, but the young unmarried shouldn't mix.
Come on, Bash, it's one big open room.
What could they possibly do? Orgy.
Have they orgied in the past? There's always a first.
Well, this is America, land of the free.
Let the people choose where they want to sleep.
Fine.
Your call.
Follow me.
Here's our slush storage.
And of course, space for our four-legged evacuees.
Can you be in charge of their water? - I will water the animals.
- Better write that down.
- Oh, geez.
- Oh, and I almost forgot.
Here.
A walkie-talkie.
So we can communicate.
We're co-captains, and communication is vital.
- Okay.
- So it's important - Fire torpedoes! Fire torpedoes! - To use it responsibly because it's not a toy.
Right.
Not a toy.
It's gonna be a long night, Michelle.
And I can't do this alone.
I'm here for you.
Really be here for me and at the end of the night We'll have this to look forward to.
Champagne.
For when the fire's out and everyone's okay.
Do a good job, and you'll be sipping it with me.
I feel very incentivized.
Come on.
Let's get going.
Time to start checking people in.
- Let's do it.
- Just get the names of everybody in the party and note down any special needs.
Easy? Easy peasy.
All right, everybody.
Let's get started.
Welcome to the East Side Evac Center.
- Name please.
- Frank Bradshaw.
I'm with my wife Nikki and my daughter Kim.
The Bradshaws.
Excellent.
I'm Bash.
I'll be your point person.
Grab some cots, set them up where you can, and just know that anything you need that's getable, - I'll be here to get it for you.
- Thanks, Bash.
- And I'm Michelle - Next in line, please? - Name please? - Georgie Attenburg.
It'll be me and my husband Morty.
The Attenburgs.
Got it.
Ginny, hi.
It's you and your mom? Oh, my mom's coming later.
Happy fire day.
Strike a pose.
All right, get over here, guys.
Let me sign you in.
No need to ask the names.
Ginny Thompson and Melanie Segal, welcome to the East Side Evac Center.
- I'll be your point person.
- Bup bup bup bup.
- What, Bash? What? - Segal and Thompson? They're with me.
You've got a million people in your line, Bash.
- Let me help.
- People need to check in at the designated tables.
And how have you designated these tables? First letters of the last names, per the signs.
Sign? What sign? X through Z? Are you serious? I think that's a doable workload for you.
Oh, come on.
Where's the trust? - Where's the cap? - It's too small.
- Your head's too big.
- Her head is not too big.
Yeah, back off, man.
I'm checking these two in, okay? - I'm checking them in.
- I wish you wouldn't.
- Grab yourselves a couple of cots, girls.
- This is the road to ruin.
And you let me know if you need anything.
- Thanks, Michelle.
- Yeah.
Thanks.
Segal and Thompson are checked in.
Noted.
Next in line, please? Oh yeah, same here.
Who's next in my line? I'm X, Y, Z.
So let's see Where is the yogurts? Tom and Pam yogurt? Little Billy yogurt? - Are my yogurts here? - Roger Champlain and wife Sissy.
How about Zachary Zigzag? You in the house Zach? Where is the Zig Man? My name is Bash and I'll be your point person.
Any zombies? That starts with a "Z" right? Anyone undead here? Any flesh eaters? No? Fine, Michelle.
Chaos? Is that what you want? Total and complete chaos? Bring it on.
Fine, what the hell.
Everyone just get in whatever line you want.
Go.
Wow.
Altamont.
Looks like we've got our choice.
Where do you want to set up? Just keep me away from the dirty little children.
- Hey.
- Speaking of which.
Hey, Dez.
So, fire, huh? Yeah, you set it? What? No.
Not this one.
I didn't see you in line.
Did you check in? No, I just slid under the flat back where the animals go.
Appropriate.
So, you taking pictures? Young Sherlock is in the house.
I was just saying.
Umbilical cord choked him? That's what I'm thinking.
- There's Roman.
- I know.
So, you never asked my opinion, but if you did, I'd say "yowza.
" Thank you, Louise Brooks.
Seems like it's getting serious.
Very.
We're considering a reverse mortgage.
- Really? - Boo.
Hey! There's my hunka hunka.
Really? What decade do you live in? Everybody good at your house? Dad's out fighting the fire.
Everyone else is on the way.
Well, come on.
Take cuts.
- No, I shouldn't.
- I want you to.
It's not cool to cut in.
Hey, everybody.
Is it cool if my girlfriend cuts in? No.
I'll catch up with you later.
- Hey, Carl.
- Hey, Michelle.
Jeff Tobey.
Mother and sister are wandering around here somewhere.
Jeff Tobey.
All right.
Got you down here, friend.
I'll be your point person tonight.
- Cool.
- I don't know what you're thinking along the lines of entertainment, but if there's a DVD player, I have the most underrated movie of the past year.
"Hope Springs.
" "Hope Springs"? I love that movie.
Yeah, what's not to love? The Oscars should have been all over that joint.
Yes! At first I was like, "two middle-aged empty nesters" "trying to rekindle the spark in their marriage? Pass.
" But who knew Tommy Lee Jones could be so tender and vulnerable.
He kicked ass.
What is that though? It doesn't look like the actual DVD.
It's not.
I've got a cousin who works in Hollywood and they send him all these free DVDs at awards time.
Why every idiot writer and director in Hollywood wants to watch a free DVD and not support their industry, I don't know.
But he breaks the rules and gives them to me.
Cha-ching! "Hell yes, I want it.
" "You bet your life I want it.
" - Wow, that's really good.
- Thanks.
Yeah, but you should hit the "it" a little more.
"Hell yes, I want it.
" "You bet your life I want it.
" And you should hit the "hell yes" harder.
Like Tommy does.
- "Hell yes.
" - "Hell yes.
" - "Hell yes.
" - "Hell yes.
" Okay, cool.
Thanks for the tip.
Yeah, same here.
Michelle? I'll be right back, everybody.
Oh honey, your wedding.
My God, the timing of all this.
- I know.
- I was talking to Talia.
She's upset too.
Have you talked to Rick? We'll reschedule, okay? - We'll do it next month? - Next month? No.
- We're doing it today.
- But hon, the fire cuts us off from the beach.
I don't need the beach.
All I need is Rick and the minister.
And your maid of honor, and I am right here.
- We're doing it.
- Michelle.
- Let's go.
A lot of people waiting here.
- Coming.
We'll think good thoughts.
I didn't see you in line before, Milly.
You didn't cut in, did you? - No.
I was here.
- Really? Anyone claiming I cut in? Anyone? And note that the group successfully avoided being wished into the cornfield.
Why does everyone make that same cornfield reference about me? All right, let's get you checked in, Milly.
It's just you and your daughter? My daughter's at the other evac center.
- Seriously? - Tuesdays are my night off from the kid.
Tonight's Tuesday.
She's with a nanny.
- Okay.
- She's got toys.
Everybody, may I have your attention please? I really need a young boy.
Or girl to volunteer for some heavy lifting.
I include both sexes because in the past, my saying I need a young boy led to a lot of misunderstandings.
So I'm including you ladies as well.
You just need strong backs and toned thighs.
If you fit the bill, please come see me.
To be clear, I like men and women equally.
Both sexes work for me.
Yeah, that's not gonna lead to any misunderstandings at all.
Volunteers.
I need two more volunteers.
You guys feelings strong today? Nope.
You're dancers.
You have toned thighs and no excuse.
I'll volunteer.
You'll have to wear the T-shirt.
I'll wear the T-shirt.
You're not gonna fight me on the T-shirt? - I like the T-shirt.
- No one likes the T-shirt.
I'll wear the T-shirt.
You can change behind that privacy screen.
Hello, ladies.
- Hello, girlfriend.
- Hello, boyfriend.
Where are you setting up? I was thinking here.
- Is that allowed? - Not by me.
Word is the rules are loose.
Cool.
Hey, guys.
Looks like you got a fun little party going on.
We did, past tense.
Okay if I camp out here? Kinda got stuck in parents land where I am, and the other youth section is full of jocks and I'm kind of food for them.
Sure, why not? Pull up a cot, Jeff.
Yeah, why not? Any fan of "Hope Springs" is a friend of mine.
Oh, not you too.
Carl has made me see that movie three times.
You knew I was into that movie, Boo.
- I did? - I've done my Tommy Lee Jones for you a million times.
"I like ranch chips.
" That's really good.
It should go a little faster though.
Tommy's pace is always brisk.
- "I like ranch chips.
" - "I like ranch chips.
" - "I like ranch chips.
" - "I like ranch chips.
" - "I like ranch chips.
" - Okay, well You know, now you're kind of sounding like grandpa Simpson and Tommy Lee Jones doesn't sound like grandpa Simpson.
Okay, guys.
Everybody pose.
You should take that again.
Mm, I'm not gonna take it again.
You used the flash.
Nothing looks good with a flash.
You're wrong.
Adams never used a flash.
Adams who? - Ansel Adams.
- You know Ansel Adams? Yeah, he's no Cartier-Bresson, but he's okay.
Drove by it on a family trip once, got a picture.
You've got a picture of Tommy Lee Jones's ranch? I blew it up into an 8 x 10.
It's hanging over my bed.
I've seen the architectural digest piece on it, but I've never seen it in person.
Is it cool? It's owned by Tommy Lee Jones.
It's coolness guaranteed.
- You sure it's in Texas? - Positive.
- "I like ranch chips.
" - "I like ranch chips.
" - "I like ranch chips.
" - "I like ranch chips.
" Drool cup.
You're welcome.
Oh, Truly, good.
It's just you.
I was feeling very claustrophobic out there.
Yes.
This is my prep room until a couple hours before the ceremony, and then it's Talia's dressing room.
I've got it all figured out.
Look.
God, that's beautiful.
- It's my maid of honor muslin mock-up dress.
- Your? You never want to experiment on the actual fabric, so you do a mock-up in muslin which I do not have.
- So I - Cut up a cot.
I cut up a cot.
Well, the shape is beautiful.
Ow.
It's a hybrid.
Beyonce in front, Pippa Middleton in back, and Edward Scissorhands on the side.
Hey, check out Truly's Pippa-Beyonce-Edward Scissorhands-cot dress.
No point.
Rick is stuck.
He can't get past the check point.
Oh no.
This is what I was afraid of.
I'm so sorry.
You must feel awful.
Awful and devastated.
I meant Talia, Truly.
Look, girls, we tried.
But the gods were against us.
No.
The gods have not decided this yet.
The gods need to give me more time to think.
Hey, guys.
Quick question, can I set up my crepe station in here? - Your? - It's crepe night for me and I'm paying her anyway, so I thought I'd get Helga rocking on some crepes.
Milly, this is an evacuation center.
People down there are eating cold rations.
Whoa, wrong impression.
There is enough for everybody in this room.
Sweet or savory, call it out.
Milly, we are in crisis mode here.
Our wedding is missing its groom.
Sure, I'll be downstairs.
Back it up, Helga.
Truly, I know how much this meant to you.
No, you don't.
You really don't.
This is it.
This will never happen to me again.
No one will ever ask me again.
And I had this beautiful dress, and all these things I want to do.
I know.
I'm sorry.
No! This wedding is going to happen.
We will find a way.
Truly.
Michelle, it's Bash.
Come in.
Hey, Bash.
Sure.
I'm down by the food.
- I know.
- Geez.
Don't do that.
We have a problem.
Look.
What is this? What am I looking at? - A juggler.
- Wow, he's good.
What is this? Like Cirque du Soleil? It's the entertainment at the West Side evacuation center.
- Are you kidding? - I have a mole down there sending me footage.
Check this out.
They're singing "The Star Spangled Banner.
" What are those words? The super obscure second verse.
That's hardcore.
And after dinner, here's what happens.
- A conga line.
- We suck.
We need to feed and entertain these people - before they turn on us.
- I'm with you.
I'll speed up the food and I'll have my kids work up something.
I spent a few years on the fringe festival circuit.
I can work up a few things too.
Let's compare notes in a half hour.
Yeah yeah.
Sure.
- Check.
- Check.
- Me too.
- I'm gonna raise you five.
- Five? - You're bluffing.
I am bluffing.
I'm definitely bluffing.
Put your five in.
Well, I'm going to see your raise.
And who knows? Maybe I'm bluffing.
Are your eyes okay? Yeah, I just stink at winking.
It's not even your turn, Boo.
I've lost track.
Who's in, who's out? Ginny? You still with us? Yeah, I'm here.
I'm out.
Oh well, then I'm out too.
Boo, you already put your money in.
Don't drop out.
Yeah, but I was bluffing anyway.
I don't actually have anything.
And now you don't have any chips either.
Hey, girls.
And guys.
- Hey, Michelle.
- Playing a little poker? - Yep.
- Strip poker? Uh, no.
Hey, idea.
How about you girls help grab some boxes for me out of storage? - What kind of boxes? - Just costumes, props.
Whatever stuff from the last say two years? - Why? - 'Cause I asked.
And I am co-captain of the evac center.
See? Okay, it doesn't fit.
But I am captain and you are my plebes.
- Sure, I guess.
- I'll help too.
No no no, Carl.
Just the girls I think.
They know where everything is.
- Okay.
- Nice try though.
Come on, let's get some boxes.
All right, off you go.
Michelle? "I'll help too.
" Come on.
Feet up, Jeffrey.
Someone said the sleeping arrangements were loosey-goosey.
They lied.
I'm seeing where this is going.
Ah, good boy.
All right, so to be clear, girls over here.
Guys Not over here.
Am I clear? Aye aye, Captain.
Truly, there's no groom.
Why are you still working on your dress? The power of positive thinking.
If I will it, it will be so.
So I sew.
All right well, ignore me.
I'm not here.
- What are you looking for? - Condoms.
Really? Here? Tonight? Can't you wait? No, Truly.
I found a condom under one of these lockers.
- Really? - Yeah.
And I have no idea whose it is or if there's more of them.
Well, there's a lot of people coming through here right now.
Yeah, I guess.
Although it was shoved back there pretty good.
Like it had been there a while.
But that would mean that one of the bunheads down there is having sex.
- Or they all could be.
- No.
That's not possible.
- Sure it is.
- They're too young.
- Not all of them.
- Go back to sewing.
- It's on.
- What? The wedding.
It's back on.
Rick got through.
You're kidding.
How? Because I willed it! Yes.
How, Talia? How did it happen? Some good samaritan heard what was happening and sent a helicopter.
Can you believe it? Cleared it with the authorities and everything.
- It's a miracle.
- Wow.
I have 75 minutes to get to hot from not for my wedding.
Piece of cake.
Hey, guys.
So what are we looking for? - What have we got? - Check it out.
What was this for? Fanny choreographed a whole ballet about Billy Elliot a couple years ago.
Billy Elliot is already a show.
Ours wasn't about Billy.
It was about Billy's coal miner father.
We all got black lung at the end.
Michelle, are you around? Hold on, guys.
Yeah, Bash.
I'm right here.
What is it? - Hey.
- Aah.
Bash.
Stop doing that.
I've got some entertainment up and running.
It's a little crude, but I worked with what I had.
Cool.
Let's see it.
And what is this? My dueling Tommy Lee Joneses.
"Well, the whole situation was just dangerous.
" With those cup holders, "the seat backs going back and forth.
" "I didn't cheat.
" I didn't go to hookers.
I watched a little porn, but who doesn't? "I was good.
I did the right thing.
" "What I want from each and every one of you" is a hard target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, "and doghouse in that area.
" We're not doing "The Fugitive.
" - We're doing Tommy Lee Jones.
- In "Hope Springs.
" Keep to "Hope Springs.
" "I got us a room.
" Here.
The front desk has toothbrushes.
I asked them.
I thought maybe just for a night, - "you might want to" - What are you doing? The dinner scene from "Hope Springs.
" Catch up here.
- You're hitting on Boo.
- And you're breaking character all over the place.
Well then, stay away from my girlfriend.
Get out of my face.
Guys, don't.
Hey! Stop it.
- I'm going to Harvard! - Stop! I'm going to Harvard! That turned out much better than I thought it would.
But we're gonna need something else.
Coming right up.
Oh.
I didn't know you'd be here.
Well, I am.
Look, I'm desperate to find a place to get my massage.
You're getting a massage with all that's going on? It's not for pleasure.
It's for my physical therapy from my accident.
Fine.
Do it up here.
Come on in, Flordeliza.
So do you want full body today? Aromatherapy, hot stone, lavender scalp, or just back? Or shoulders and neck? What do you want? I want a massage to help heal my injury.
Shoulders and neck.
I'll just be a second.
So you still got that helicopter, huh? What? Oh, yeah.
It's just a time share.
I basically pay by the hour.
Must be expensive.
Oh, please.
The fuel surcharges, the pilot travel time charges.
They gouge you any way they can.
Thanks.
For what? You know what.
Weddings are important.
Or so I've heard.
Mom's really itching for one of us to have one.
Well, she should give up on me.
It's not in the cards.
I always thought a husband was what was missing from my life, you know? But I wasn't meeting anybody, and I wanted a baby, so I had my little Ching Lan shipped over from China, and after I signed for her and the nanny took the ridiculous pointy hat off, I just held her.
And I didn't want to put her down.
And I realized, she's all I'll ever need.
Well, I'm not giving up.
I'm getting married and I'm keeping all my options open.
Sorry.
Looking for Michelle.
Too bad.
No.
- Hey.
- Yeah? - Can you help me outside? - Yeah, sure.
It was on the ground, so I picked it up.
You were sniffing it.
I was stifling a yawn.
With his jacket? Pathetic.
- Excuse me.
- No, wait.
Let me tell you a story.
Last year, my family went on this private safari.
My parents, Frankie it's sunset And we're walking down this trail.
Golden skies, beautiful vistas, and we see this little baby antelope on the horizon.
Yeah? We get closer, and it turns its head to look at us.
And the guide says, "turn away.
" "A lion's had at it.
" I don't get it.
It had been half eaten by a lion.
Oh my God.
It was horrible.
Everybody froze, and I thought "it's wrong to turn my back" and let this poor little thing just sit there and bleed out "like Judi Dench in that James Bond movie.
" So I grabbed a gun and shot it in the head.
You blew a baby antelope's head off? Put it right out of its misery.
And you, my dear, are a half-eaten baby antelope.
And you're gonna shoot my head off? Look, if you don't want to be friends with me, fine.
I'm cool.
But I have got to do something because it's just too sad to look at you and I just can't take it anymore.
Let me guess you're excited, nervous, happy and nauseous all at once? All four equally.
Such a big day.
Okay, I was talking to the bride-to-be here.
Right.
I'm sure she has similar feelings.
Did I go too trampy on the dress? - Okay.
Turn around for me.
- I was shooting for Marilyn singing Happy Birthday to Kennedy, but with underwear.
- You look perfect.
- Thanks.
Oh no.
What? - No.
- What is it? It's Rick.
He was getting out of the car and he tripped and broke his ankle and he's in the hospital.
It never stops.
A broken ankle is nothing.
No, a broken ankle means he's in a cast and in pain which means he's not walking down the aisle.
- This isn't happening.
- Okay, so he can't walk down the aisle.
We can wheel him down the aisle, or you can get married at his bedside.
That's a fun wedding story.
I don't want to get married in a hospital.
Does this look like a dress that you'd wear to get married in a hospital? Well, in a hospital in parts of San Francisco perhaps.
Or East Village.
Who are you calling? - Chickie.
- Rick's bookie? His best man.
Damn it! Why isn't he answering? Well, maybe he can't hear the phone.
Not because he's old and deaf, because they don't let you use phones in hospitals.
And he's probably old and deaf.
Okay, look.
Maybe in a super weird way this is a blessing.
How? - Well, it gives you time to think.
- About what? - About this.
- Marrying Rick? - Yeah.
- I don't need to think about Rick.
I've already thought about marrying Rick.
I know you're tired of Vegas and the show you're in and your life and I completely get that, but maybe this isn't the answer, you know? You don't think I should marry him, do you? - No, I don't think you should marry him.
- Why? - He's not catholic.
Just stop, Michelle, okay? I mean, all this just because Ricky tripped and fell? Everybody falls.
I watched you fall from the top of an escalator at a mall in Vegas all the way to the bottom and you bounced back up - and right into Neiman's.
- Rick loves me.
Everybody loves you.
You're Talia.
You're great.
But you don't think I love him? No.
Because you're twisting yourself into a pretzel for him.
With the crafting and wanting to cook and wanting a yappy little pekingese.
That's not you.
Pekingese aren't yappy.
Yeah, they're super yappy.
- They're regal.
- No, they're not at all regal.
- Big regal dog.
- Small yappy smoke alarms.
I don't want to talk about this.
You are turning down offers for legit shows to be with him.
Shows that could go to New York.
- Who does that? - Me.
I do it.
I told you, that's your thing.
You want to go be in a show in New York, go be in a show in New York.
I want to get married.
Is this why you didn't want to be my maid of honor? Because you think the marriage is doomed? It just doesn't feel real to me.
I'm pregnant! Pretty real, huh? Okay.
We'll make this work.
I'll raise the baby with you.
It'll be tough, but we'll make it fun.
Like a sitcom.
It'll be "Two Broke Girls And A Baby.
" It'll be great.
You and I aren't doing anything.
I'm getting married.
You do whatever.
Yeah.
Okay, guys.
Say cheese.
Cheese.
Cute.
That's gonna look great without the flash.
Glad you took me up on that.
Hi, guys.
You coping okay? I had a dog.
Calvin.
Dad named him after some cartoon guy.
"Calvin and Hobbes"? No.
His name was just Calvin.
I used to talk in his voice like he was the one talking.
Cracked everybody up.
Yes, you are a regular Louis C.
K.
I miss him.
He was a cool dog.
What happened to him? Car hit him.
Yeah.
You know.
Whatever.
So I guess Ginny and your brother's not happening, huh? Not for like years.
What happened? She's into someone else.
Why? Charlie's cool.
It wasn't so much why, it was the why nots.
And she likes this other guy.
Huh.
Kinda thought for a while there'd be a double-date thing or something.
You mean you and me? Yeah.
No.
- Why not? - Because.
My mom says because is a word, not a reason.
Well, that's the reason.
Because, okay? Because.
So you can't think of a reason why? I don't know.
If you can't think of a reason why, can you think of a reason why not? Not offhand.
Then why not? Hey, bride.
Look.
It's a pekingese.
Rick brought him.
One of my wedding gifts.
- Oh.
- You were right.
I was thinking of another dog.
Yeah, but this one's good too.
And in a pinch you can dust with it.
I guess.
Hey, he's adorable.
Yeah.
He kind of is.
You still want me in your wedding? You're technically not in the wedding.
Would you take him a second? Oh.
Yes, you're in the wedding.
After all that stuff I said? You said it because you worry about me.
And there's every reason to.
Look at him.
He is old.
Older.
Not old.
He's in a wheelchair.
Temporarily.
The ankle will heal.
I don't want to be a young widow.
Like me? No.
You know what I mean.
I had no time with Hubbell.
24 hours.
But it was a pretty great 24 hours.
Yeah.
You'll have time.
Do I look okay? Do you look okay? - You may kill him with that look.
- Michelle.
I mean it.
Cross your eyes or pick your teeth with your tongue while you're walking down the aisle, because otherwise the man's having a heart attack.
And lives.
Has a heart attack and lives.
She blew an antelope's head off? Clean off.
That's crazy.
She just said all that to intimidate me.
- Because you like her brother? - I don't know.
Ask her.
I thought she was all about peace, love and understanding.
Wait, so was she threatening you? - Stand down, hulk.
- She shouldn't threaten you.
She just came up and told you this? I mean, just out of the blue? Yes, for the most part.
I mean, I was kind of sniffing her brother's jacket.
- What? - It was a moment.
To never repeat.
Wow.
All dolled up.
Friend just got married.
You look really nice.
Thank you.
- What was that? - It was a condom.
I know what it was.
What was Michelle doing? Was she offering it to us? That's a misdemeanor at least.
It felt more like she found it.
And thought it was one of ours? So that was a condom, not a mint? It was a condom, Boo.
I wouldn't even know how to buy one of those.
It's not that complicated.
You get some money, you go to a drugstore, and you buy them.
Come on.
It's not like buying paper towels, Sasha.
People in line and the check-out person.
- They judge you.
- Judge you how? For being a human being? With natural urges? People do judge you.
I mean, I look.
I judge.
So squeamish.
I would expect that from Boo, but not from you two.
I don't need to buy condoms.
I'm on the pill.
- What? - Since when? As soon as my mother heard about Carl, she marched me down to the doctor's and put me on the pill.
You and Carl are having sex? What? No.
- Then why are you on the pill? - I just told you.
I'm gobsmacked.
What does it taste like? I don't know.
I stick it in a Peppermint Patty.
Hey, what's going on? Boo is on the pill.
You're having sex with Carl? Why does everybody hear I'm on the pill and automatically think I'm having sex? You are absurd, Boo.
You know that? - Absurd.
- Why? Because you're on the pill but not having sex.
It's like having a superpower and not using it.
I'll use it eventually.
Carl and I already mapped out our first time.
It's going to be at senior prom.
Warn me so I can avert my eyes.
That's a year and a half away.
I know, but that's when it's going to be.
Actually, it's going to be the night before the senior prom so we can get it out of the way so we have fun at the prom.
Now I've heard everything.
- Hey.
- Yes? What, Dez? Nothing.
I just heard you guys had condoms.
Get lost, Dez.
Yeah.
I guess it's time to talk about me.
Everybody.
The fire is out.
There was no property damage and no injuries.
You can go home.
- Survived another one.
- Right on.
See you tomorrow.
- Hey, there.
- Hi.
So, I'll take the job.
- What job? - Drawing lessons.
My sister said you wanted drawing lessons? - She said that? - Did I hear wrong? No.
Yes, I want lessons.
Great.
Give me your phone.
I'll punch in my number.
Oh.
Will do.
We can meet at your place, my place, whatever.
I'm pretty available.
Me too.
And thank her for me for passing my message on.
Will do.
Have a good night.
Michelle.
It's Bash, come in.
Hey, Bash.
Where are you? Come on over.
I just wanted to thank you for all your hard work.
You're welcome.
I think we made a pretty successful team.
Definitely.
And I believe it's time we celebrate - our success.
- Come again? The champagne.
Break it out, man.
But I'm not there.
What? Where are you? On the road.
It's been a long night.
I'm pooped.
Bash, you snuck out so you didn't have to share the champagne with me.
What's that? You're breaking up.
- Get back here.
- I must be getting out of range.
Bash, you owe me champagne!