Darkwing Duck (1991) s01e17 Episode Script

# Daring duck of mystery # Champion of right # Swoops out of the shadows # Darkwing owns the night # Somewhere some villain schemes # But his number's up.
Three.
two.
one # Darkwing Duck # When there's trouble you call DW # Darkwing Duck Let's get dangerous.
# Darkwing Duck # Darkwing Duck! # Cloud of smoke and he appears # A master of surprise # Who's that cunning mind behind # That shadowy disguise? # Nobody knows for sure # But bad guys are out of luck.
'cause here comes - Darkwing Duck - Look out! # When there's trouble you call DW # Darkwing Duck # Let's get dangerous # Darkwing Duck # Better watch out.
you bad boys # Darkwing Duck! (Gosalyn) Honker, you just can't get any closer to heaven than this.
The Sunday funnies, a bowl of honey-crunchy Wacky-Os, and a day with nothing to do but rot our brains on cartoons and video games.
The benefits of modern civilization can be breathtaking.
Um, here's the sports.
Do you want the travel section? Get a life! If it isn't in the comics or sports my brain rejects it on principle.
Aah! Oh, no! - Did your team lose? - Worse than that! What am I gonna do? Where can I hide? It's camping season! Come on, you gotta help me! Every spring it's the same thing.
The camp sites open and Dad starts mutating.
He stops being Dad and turns into the true outdoorsman! I get the willies just thinking about it.
But what's wrong with going camping? (crash) - Sounds like fun to me.
- Are you kidding? No heat, no TV, no videos, no fast food, no bed, no bathrooms.
If I wanted to live like that, I'd move in with Big Foot.
Honker? Oh, that's just great.
Deserted in my hour of need.
(muffled) Gosalyn, help! Gosalyn! Quit fooling around, Honk.
If Dad doesn't see this stuff, maybe he won't remember.
Gosalyn! I told you, no soccer playing in the house! Not us! Oh, uh, we were just reading.
Of course.
Ever the expert on current events.
Try it right-side up.
Now, what were you really do? What is this? Duck and cover! All right, young lady, you had better have the Camping stuff! Is it that time already? It is! Oh, mwah.
Gos, I love you for getting all this stuff ready.
I would've forgotten.
Ok, you can keep my stuffed toad collection, but donate my zombie comics to the kids in the eighth-period study hall.
Gosalyn, I really don't think a camping trip calls for a last will and testament.
Easy for you to say.
You'll still be up to your nose in pepperoni pizza and Wacky Willy cartoons.
There's gotta be some way of stopping this trip.
Ready, Gosalyn? We'll be going as soon as I finish packing the car! So, if the car doesn't get packed, we don't go! (humming) (whistling) I thought we'd be on the road by now.
Boy, how many of these things are we going to need? Phew! Packing never used to take this long.
(grunts) Oopsie! Well, glad to see you're so keen on helping out, Gos.
But I think it'll go faster if I finish this myself.
And voilâ! A place for everything, and everything in its place.
Let me just get rid of this loose string here.
(muffled yelling) (muffled) Finally! All packed, loaded and ready to go.
- Nothing to stop us now.
- Sure, Dad.
We're not getting you out of civilization a moment too soon.
Ooh-hoo-hoo, you little (inhales) Ah! Nothing like mountain air.
I'm glad the rental company had a car for us, aren't you? I bet you the park is closing.
Too bad, let's go home.
Will you just calm down? - I wonder what the story is? - It's a bear! A big one! - You can't go in there! - You heard the man, he's in charge.
We can be back before The Wacky Willy Show.
Gosalyn! Look, Mr.
Ranger-person, I have a reservation here.
I demand a camping permit.
Fine! Camp anywhere you want! Just watch out for the bear! Well, of course we'll watch out for bears.
The whole point in coming to a national park is to observe the wild life.
Whatever wild life is left.
Don't worry, Gosalyn, there will be plenty to see.
The first rule of the true outdoorsman, is to pick the right campsite.
- Perfect! - Yeah, if you like desolation.
Oh, don't be a whiney baby.
Wait till we get the tent up, it'll be just like home.
Hm, ground's a bit hard.
Eh, just needs a tad more force.
Whoa! Lucky it hit your head.
A true outdoorsman never gives up.
But a city girl knows when to cheat! Stop that! These things are dangerous.
Dad? You OK? No problem! It takes more than that to shake a true outdoorsman.
A true outdoorsman knows how to improvise.
Phew! Well, what do you think, Gos? Way cool! And without using tent stakes.
Eh, just takes a little wilderness know-how.
What's going on out there? Sorry, Dad.
Gosalyn, what say we let me pitch the tent while you go chop some firewood.
Oh, really? Yahoo! Maybe that wasn't such a good idea.
How does he expect me to collect any real wood without an ax? It's not like I was going to chop down the forest, just thin it out.
(growling) "Come on, Gosalyn, camping will be fun!" There's obviously some new definition of fun that I don't know about.
If nature wants to commune with me, it can send a fax.
Yeah, boy, I'm in paradise now.
- Looks great.
- Back! Back! Back, I say! Chill, Dad.
I wasn't gonna touch the stupid old tent.
Oh, I'm sorry, kiddo.
Say, how about some real camp chow, partner? Is that anything like food? I'm starved! - What's this? Vitamins? - No, it's dehydrated food.
Easy to pack - no fuss, no muss.
Whoa! Mondo-neato! This is one part of camping I'm gonna like.
Marshmallows, anyone? They aren't going to blow up, are they? (chuckles) You know, the trick to marshmallow roasting is getting it golden brown without singeing it.
Aah! We're hit, Captain! We're going down! Rrrr.
- Oh, the humanity! - Give me that! Lucky I brought a spare.
Time for bed, Gos! You know, there are child endangerment laws in this state.
Just settle down, Gosalyn.
You need a good night's sleep.
- We have to be up at dawn to go fishing.
- Oh! Here's my idea of paradise.
(Darkwing) Ouch! Boy, this ground sure is lumpy.
- Wanna use my air mattress? - Air mattress? We didn't bring an air - Good night, Dad.
- Ohh.
Good night, Gosalyn.
(roars) (bear growls) - Gosalyn, is that your stomach? - Could be.
Marshmallows don't exactly cover the basic food groups.
(growling) (screaming) Wait! No bear can scare a true outdoorsman, let alone, Darkwing Duck.
(kung-fu yell) Ow! Ow! Ow! The old bear hug, eh? I laugh at your ha-ha-ha rustic, though curiously effective, attempt to suffocate me.
All right, fur face, put him down! (growls) Wow, great trick! Do you do parties? (car approaches) Shoo! That was close.
- I sure wanna thank the guy who - Howdy, neighbor! You were right there, spud! The kids were looking on the soft side.
Decided I'd take your advice and show them the ways of a true outdoorsman.
Ooh! This is just ever-so exciting! Well, misery loves company.
Sorry it had to be you.
Speaking of misery, Tank's not very happy about this.
(growls) I hear I have you to thank for this trip.
Um, nice boy.
Herb! Are you aware of the leash laws in this park? You know, ha-ha-ha, this is a big place.
You don't have to camp right here.
Well, I'll tell ya, Drakester, the first rule of a true outdoorsman is to pick the right campsite.
And this one here, buddy, is one honey of a spot.
- By the way, where are you camping? - It's right over th-- Gee, that doesn't look like a very good spot.
(yawning) Why can't we sleep in like the Muddlefoots? Because if you sleep in, you don't get fresh trout for breakfast.
Now there's a real incentive.
Besides, we can finally get some use out of this stupid raft.
Are you dragging your feet? Whoa-oa-oa! Oh, nice shot, Dad! You found the lake.
Dad? (gasps) (gurgling) No problem.
Just checking out the fish.
I don't understand it.
Not one bite.
It must be some kind of a finned conspiracy.
No big surprise! Who'd want to suck on a worm? Hungry fish, that's who! Quick, Gosalyn, the net.
I'm bringing him in.
Ugh! Will you get me out! I really hate this part.
Will you get this fish off my head?! Hey! Ouch! Will you stop? Gosalyn, that's my head! Don't worry, I'll save you, Dad! No, don't! Ow! Will you stop?! Ow! (Steelbeak) What, them? Those are the dweebs you couldn't scare off? What's the matter with you? Look, Bruno, if you can't scare 'em off, just get rid of 'em! (growling) Yeah, right.
Save it for the peanut gallery, babe.
(grunts) (coughs) Did you see that? That thing tried to eat me! You probably looked a lot tastier than that worm! Oh? And what kind of bait do you suggest, Miss Suddenly-I'm-a-Wilderness-Expert? Well, something a lot more tempting than a worm! Like, French fries! Or a candy bar! Yuck! Told ya, Dad.
It's all in the bait.
Mighty neighborly of you to share your fish with us, Gosalini.
(slurps and burps) Oh, yes, and there was so much of it! How did you catch it? Just takes a little wilderness know-how, right Dad? (TV indistinct) Good thing all this roughing it worked up our appetites.
Roughing it? You call this roughing it? Tablecloth, microwave, easy chairs! - You even brought a TV, Herb! - But it's only a portable.
Why, yes.
It doesn't even take cable.
The pioneers didn't have microwave ovens.
They lived off the land, eating nuts and berries and dirt and stuff.
Uh-oh.
I can see where this is going.
Gosalyn! Let's go.
Today I'm teaching you how to live off the land.
If I knew this was gonna be my last meal, I would have eaten more.
I'll take care of it.
Mm, mm, mm.
Hon, you ought to try some.
This red-leaf kidney plant is great for salads.
Ladies and gentlemen, my dad - the mutant cow.
Oh, looky, looky! Sticky sap stink weed.
That's a great skin moisturizer.
Oh, that's it.
I'm outta here.
If I'm lucky, I can get back to camp before he notices I'm gone.
Ow! Why don't you guys watch where I'm going? It's you! You're you're F.
O.
W.
L egg men.
Hey, bingo on the first try! (chuckles) And you, my nosy munch-i-kin, are history.
Take her, Fang.
(gasps) (growls) Presto, change-o.
Bada-boom, bada-bing.
And one high-powered continental missile is now - ta-da - a harmless fur tree.
(laughs) Listen, when we're through, this park will have enough firepower to atomize a continent.
- Can't be too good for the trees.
- Trees, shmees.
I hate this nature stuff.
Fresh air makes me gag.
Yep, give me civilization any day.
Oh, gee, that's sounds familiar.
Allow me to put you on more intimate terms with one of our natural wonders.
Ta-da! Old Reliable.
Impressed? It'll do that again in exactly ten minutes.
I thought you might appreciate a front-row seat.
Boy, this pink-speckled eucalyptus bush is a great ear wax remover.
You ought to try some, Gosalyn Gosalyn? If anything happened to her, I'll never forgive myself.
Let's see.
Bear, trees, Steelbeak, Gosalyn, nuclear missiles, more trees What?! Steelbeak? Missiles? Time for this outdoorsman to get dangerous.
You'll never get away with this, Steelbeak.
Oh! Another satisfied subscriber to the Cliché of the Month Club.
(chuckles) I am the terror that flaps in the night.
Oh, no! Not here! I am the pestilent blister that bursts in your boot.
Ew! I am Darkwing Duck! Man, I can't get away from you.
What are you, a franchise? Take him down! I hate to do this to a semi-endangered species, but you are toast, bear.
(gasps) It's a robot! OK, fine.
Well, then, I can take of the kid gloves.
Hang in there, Darkwing! Oh! I'm on my way! Hey, that's nice! (chuckles) I think every diabolical master plan should have musical accompaniment.
Hey What? Oh, man! Ow! Ooh-hoo! (roars) Whoa! Huh? (laughs) Echo.
Hello, down there! Oh, these leaves ought to work like smelling salts.
(coughs) Speckled Blumenthal leaves? Why, Gosalyn, you were paying attention.
(growling) Get behind me, Gos.
I'll give it my patented double-flip web kick.
No need, Darkwing.
I have one more wilderness trick up my sleeve.
Allow me.
It'd be a shame to waste my patented double-flip web kick.
Hi-ya! All right, you've had it.
I'm getting you and the girl! (rumbling) Uh-oh.
Sounds like Old Reliable is right on time.
Once again, the world is a safer place to live.
- Thanks to Darkwing Duck.
- And true outdoors' person! He-he, uh, yeah! Right.
# Darkwing Duck! # Darkwing Duck! # Darkwing Duck! # Darkwing Duck!