Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s01e17 Episode Script
Tough Guys Don't Teach
You wanted to see me? Yes.
You're going back to high school, Dr.
howser.
Back? I i never really went.
Of course.
The board of education approached us with a unique idea.
In light of increasing teenage pregnancy rates and sexually transmitted diseases, they felt it would be most beneficial to have a peer teach safe sexual practices, that peer being you.
Me in in high school teaching safe sex? High school teachers aren't getting through.
You, being their age, might communicate better.
No.
I'm not sure I'm right for this.
You can do a lot for these kids, and it's excellent community relations for the hospital.
Well, I guess I've got no choice then.
Just remember, Dr.
howser.
We educate.
We don't condone.
The important thing is knowledge.
If you have that, you'll avoid some pretty gnarly experiences.
According to a Harris poll, females lose their virginity at an average age of 16.
2 years, males, 15.
7 years.
March of '91.
Yes.
If you fall into that category, this should be your best friend, your protector.
Would you jump from an airplane without a parachute? Aw.
Aw.
Don't be afraid to find out the facts, if you use them or not.
Have a great day.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Bitchin' class, Dr.
howser.
That thing about the fallopian tubes, was, well, tubular.
Yeah, well, uh They are.
Hi, my name Ahem, good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Ahem.
My name is Dr.
howser.
I hope we ain't interrupting you Doc.
Well, actually I was just about to begin.
My name is Douglas howser.
I'm a doctor at eastman.
You can call me doogie.
Yes.
Excuse me, doc, but did you say your name was doggie? What's your name? You don't read the sports section? Terry seranski First team, all-state.
Oh.
So there's a whole team of people like you.
Ooh.
What a thought.
Hey, bud.
Don't be getting smart with me.
You're right.
How would you ever understand me? Ooh.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Safe sexual practices The more knowledge we have, the more informed our choices will be.
We'll start with the female anatomy.
Inside the female exists a delicate system that Hey, time out, doc.
We know all this junk.
You do? Sure.
I learned firsthand from susie berlutti.
Ohh.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Ooh.
As much as he knows, you better continue.
And maybe bring swifty here Ooh.
Ooh.
Ooh.
In for extra tutoring after school.
O.
K.
All right.
Let's get back to teaching.
Then bring a real teacher in.
Shut it, you simian.
Can't you see that the very adorable doctor is trying to educate? Yeah.
Let him teach.
Wanda plenn.
Hey, doc I hear Wanda's Good and plenty.
Ooh.
O.
K.
, Terry, that's enough.
Mm-mmm.
Good.
I'm not letting some genetic mutoid teach me sex.
Word up.
Yeah! We've reached an impasse, so why don't you and your overdeveloped deltoids go directly to the, uh Vice principal's office! Exactly.
No way, doggie! I write my own hall passes.
You ain't seen the last of me.
It's a forgotten thing.
Don't know, doog.
Terry the tank is a serious psycho.
We blew off steam.
It's over.
Doogie's right.
Tank's probably abusing some poor freshman.
Hey, look.
They packed it with an olive.
Eat up, doog.
Your olive's dead.
Did you hear about the fight? Fight? Who's on the card? Not you.
Thank you.
Fight? Sounds pretty immature.
Welcome to high school.
In a rational world, people resolve their differences by talking them out and reasoning with each other.
You and me, doggie Behind the gym.
Oh, my god, doogie.
You have to go to the office.
Tell the principal.
Come on.
No.
I can handle this myself.
Fights don't have to be fought.
We can compromise and reason.
I'm going to talk to him.
I'm going with you.
Mm-mmm.
You know Tank, the surgeon general has proved conclusively that smoking is hazardous to your health.
What do you want? To talk, to work this misunderstanding out.
There's no misunderstanding.
I'm going to kill you.
At 3 o'clock, i drop the doc.
O.
K.
, now c-come on.
This is crazy.
As a teacher, i shouldn't have insulted you in front of the class.
I apologize.
Violence resolves nothing.
Yeah Right.
I'm not a fighter, I'm a doctor.
Good.
Then when I'm done with you, you can reset your own nose.
Ohh I'm not going to fight you.
You came on my turf and busted on me.
You're going to pay.
You got an appointment at 3:00, Dr.
howser.
And if you wimp out, no problem.
I'll kick the spaghetti out of that punk friend of yours.
Get up on your feet before the night is through for you get down to the beat pump it, stomp it jam, triple this get the party started get it on, get a move on, kid rock to the beat pump it, stomp it jam, triple this get up, get up, get busy, do it get up and move that body get up, people now get down to it before the night is over get up, get up, get busy, do it I wanna see you party get up people, now get down to it before the night is over we got to take a stand now that we're in demand party all night, cut the fight do what's right and you just might win a battle you never fought just by checkin' the record you bought over and on and on again get with it and do that thing get up, get up, get busy, do it get up and move that body get up people, now get down to it before the night is over get up, get up, get busy, do it I wanna see you party He ain't comin'.
Get up, people now get down to it before the night is over get up, get down before the night is over What do you think? Less baryshnikov and a lot more Tyson would be good.
He's going to kill me.
Call it off.
I can't.
If I just had some strategy, a secret weapon.
When it doubt, rip them out.
What? Ba da bing, ba da boom.
Go for the family jewels, or take a dive.
Doogie.
Read him his rights, tank.
O.
K.
, tank, let's just do it.
I can't believe my eyes.
That makes 200 of us.
Bust him up, tank.
Let's go.
Be careful, doogie.
All right, tank.
Go get him, doog! Come on, doog! Go get him, doogie! Maybe I'll break your leg.
Meyer's in orthopedics.
I'll re-arrange your face.
Connors, plastic surgery.
Come on, man, you got him.
Come on, tank! Come on, doogie! Come on, Dr.
howser! It's butt-kicking time.
Uh, Gilbert, proctology.
Get him, doog.
Beeper, please go off.
Go get him, doogie.
Dance, doogie.
One, two, one.
What is this, the debutantes ball? Ohh.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Oh, doogie.
Ahh! Doogie! Ahh.
Yeah! Yeah! Family jewels.
Family jewels.
Right.
Right.
Come on, doogie! Ooh.
Ohh, my He didn't feel it.
Never leave the locker room without it.
Uh-oh, you made him mad now.
You're dog meat.
I'll kill ya, I'll kill ya.
Boys.
Come on, you little runt.
Get off of him.
Aww.
It's over.
It's over.
Come on.
Come on, you.
Ooh! Aaah! Get him! Finish him! Aah! Do it.
Finish him! Come on! The fight's over.
You're all right, howser.
Doogie.
Isn't it great doogie's experiencing high school? The fun of being with kids his age.
Oh, my god.
What happened? I got in a fight at school.
Oh, my little baby.
Your baby landed some nice shots.
I don't think there's orbital damage, but I hurt my hand.
Hmm.
Fifth metacarpal may be broken.
That was doogie's best punch An uppercut to the family jewels.
Unfortunately, the bum was wearing a cast-iron jock.
Sorry, Mrs.
howser.
David, say something.
Dear, the boy's been in a fight.
It happens.
He's o.
K.
O.
K.
? You call this o.
K.
? We'll go to my office, check this hand, X-ray it.
All right.
Uh, I'll stay here and comfort Mrs.
h.
I sent you down to the high school representing this institution to teach a class.
Instead, you beat up one of the students.
This is not state-of-the-art public relations.
I'm sorry.
I made every effort to avoid a fight.
Your efforts weren't great enough, were they? You certainly can't work at surgery or E.
R.
like that.
It'll be off in 2, 3 weeks Max.
This is not high school.
You can't go to the nurse and go home.
You've let me and the staff down.
I apologize.
You'll work in the psychiatric service where maybe you can deal with your misplaced aggression.
You're a doctor, Douglas A position in society that comes with great responsibility.
Remember that.
I will, sir.
Hey, howser I heard about your fight.
Just a football player.
Nice shiner.
Does it hurt? I don't know it's there.
Women love black eyes.
You can milk that for tons of sympathy.
Doogie, you poor thing! Does it hurt? Yeah A lot.
Ohh.
Why don't you come down to the E.
R.
? I'll put some ice on it.
O.
K.
, but be gentle with me.
Of course.
I'll catch you later, curly.
I got a visitor.
What's going on? Can we talk? In private? Sure.
You look bad, man.
You should see the other guy.
My head's still ringing.
It was a lucky shot.
I traumatized your eighth cranial nerve, causing that ringing sensation.
It ought to clear up in a couple days.
I was hoping you could give me a little help with a situation I got that isn't clearing up.
Sure.
What is it? You know that class you were teaching? I've sort of got this little problem.
Swifty.
I'm getting out of the blocks before the race.
That's very solvable.
We have a specialist.
Let's set up an appointment.
I don't want to have to talk to anybody.
Isn't there a pill to take or something? There's nothing to be embarrassed about.
It's really common.
Lots of guys have it.
Do you? Well, I don't know.
O.
K.
Sign me up.
Thanks Doctor howser.
How you feeling? Oh.
Much better.
I had a fight once.
Lenny aronica, tough son of gun.
He made my freshman year miserable.
He thought being a senior gave him the right to pick on me.
What did you do? I decked him, and he decked me back.
Fighting should always be the absolute last resort.
But, uh, it's nice to know if you have to, you can.
Well, I hope i never have to.
Hmm.
Good night, son.
You're going back to high school, Dr.
howser.
Back? I i never really went.
Of course.
The board of education approached us with a unique idea.
In light of increasing teenage pregnancy rates and sexually transmitted diseases, they felt it would be most beneficial to have a peer teach safe sexual practices, that peer being you.
Me in in high school teaching safe sex? High school teachers aren't getting through.
You, being their age, might communicate better.
No.
I'm not sure I'm right for this.
You can do a lot for these kids, and it's excellent community relations for the hospital.
Well, I guess I've got no choice then.
Just remember, Dr.
howser.
We educate.
We don't condone.
The important thing is knowledge.
If you have that, you'll avoid some pretty gnarly experiences.
According to a Harris poll, females lose their virginity at an average age of 16.
2 years, males, 15.
7 years.
March of '91.
Yes.
If you fall into that category, this should be your best friend, your protector.
Would you jump from an airplane without a parachute? Aw.
Aw.
Don't be afraid to find out the facts, if you use them or not.
Have a great day.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Bitchin' class, Dr.
howser.
That thing about the fallopian tubes, was, well, tubular.
Yeah, well, uh They are.
Hi, my name Ahem, good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Ahem.
My name is Dr.
howser.
I hope we ain't interrupting you Doc.
Well, actually I was just about to begin.
My name is Douglas howser.
I'm a doctor at eastman.
You can call me doogie.
Yes.
Excuse me, doc, but did you say your name was doggie? What's your name? You don't read the sports section? Terry seranski First team, all-state.
Oh.
So there's a whole team of people like you.
Ooh.
What a thought.
Hey, bud.
Don't be getting smart with me.
You're right.
How would you ever understand me? Ooh.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Safe sexual practices The more knowledge we have, the more informed our choices will be.
We'll start with the female anatomy.
Inside the female exists a delicate system that Hey, time out, doc.
We know all this junk.
You do? Sure.
I learned firsthand from susie berlutti.
Ohh.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Ooh.
As much as he knows, you better continue.
And maybe bring swifty here Ooh.
Ooh.
Ooh.
In for extra tutoring after school.
O.
K.
All right.
Let's get back to teaching.
Then bring a real teacher in.
Shut it, you simian.
Can't you see that the very adorable doctor is trying to educate? Yeah.
Let him teach.
Wanda plenn.
Hey, doc I hear Wanda's Good and plenty.
Ooh.
O.
K.
, Terry, that's enough.
Mm-mmm.
Good.
I'm not letting some genetic mutoid teach me sex.
Word up.
Yeah! We've reached an impasse, so why don't you and your overdeveloped deltoids go directly to the, uh Vice principal's office! Exactly.
No way, doggie! I write my own hall passes.
You ain't seen the last of me.
It's a forgotten thing.
Don't know, doog.
Terry the tank is a serious psycho.
We blew off steam.
It's over.
Doogie's right.
Tank's probably abusing some poor freshman.
Hey, look.
They packed it with an olive.
Eat up, doog.
Your olive's dead.
Did you hear about the fight? Fight? Who's on the card? Not you.
Thank you.
Fight? Sounds pretty immature.
Welcome to high school.
In a rational world, people resolve their differences by talking them out and reasoning with each other.
You and me, doggie Behind the gym.
Oh, my god, doogie.
You have to go to the office.
Tell the principal.
Come on.
No.
I can handle this myself.
Fights don't have to be fought.
We can compromise and reason.
I'm going to talk to him.
I'm going with you.
Mm-mmm.
You know Tank, the surgeon general has proved conclusively that smoking is hazardous to your health.
What do you want? To talk, to work this misunderstanding out.
There's no misunderstanding.
I'm going to kill you.
At 3 o'clock, i drop the doc.
O.
K.
, now c-come on.
This is crazy.
As a teacher, i shouldn't have insulted you in front of the class.
I apologize.
Violence resolves nothing.
Yeah Right.
I'm not a fighter, I'm a doctor.
Good.
Then when I'm done with you, you can reset your own nose.
Ohh I'm not going to fight you.
You came on my turf and busted on me.
You're going to pay.
You got an appointment at 3:00, Dr.
howser.
And if you wimp out, no problem.
I'll kick the spaghetti out of that punk friend of yours.
Get up on your feet before the night is through for you get down to the beat pump it, stomp it jam, triple this get the party started get it on, get a move on, kid rock to the beat pump it, stomp it jam, triple this get up, get up, get busy, do it get up and move that body get up, people now get down to it before the night is over get up, get up, get busy, do it I wanna see you party get up people, now get down to it before the night is over we got to take a stand now that we're in demand party all night, cut the fight do what's right and you just might win a battle you never fought just by checkin' the record you bought over and on and on again get with it and do that thing get up, get up, get busy, do it get up and move that body get up people, now get down to it before the night is over get up, get up, get busy, do it I wanna see you party He ain't comin'.
Get up, people now get down to it before the night is over get up, get down before the night is over What do you think? Less baryshnikov and a lot more Tyson would be good.
He's going to kill me.
Call it off.
I can't.
If I just had some strategy, a secret weapon.
When it doubt, rip them out.
What? Ba da bing, ba da boom.
Go for the family jewels, or take a dive.
Doogie.
Read him his rights, tank.
O.
K.
, tank, let's just do it.
I can't believe my eyes.
That makes 200 of us.
Bust him up, tank.
Let's go.
Be careful, doogie.
All right, tank.
Go get him, doog! Come on, doog! Go get him, doogie! Maybe I'll break your leg.
Meyer's in orthopedics.
I'll re-arrange your face.
Connors, plastic surgery.
Come on, man, you got him.
Come on, tank! Come on, doogie! Come on, Dr.
howser! It's butt-kicking time.
Uh, Gilbert, proctology.
Get him, doog.
Beeper, please go off.
Go get him, doogie.
Dance, doogie.
One, two, one.
What is this, the debutantes ball? Ohh.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Oh, doogie.
Ahh! Doogie! Ahh.
Yeah! Yeah! Family jewels.
Family jewels.
Right.
Right.
Come on, doogie! Ooh.
Ohh, my He didn't feel it.
Never leave the locker room without it.
Uh-oh, you made him mad now.
You're dog meat.
I'll kill ya, I'll kill ya.
Boys.
Come on, you little runt.
Get off of him.
Aww.
It's over.
It's over.
Come on.
Come on, you.
Ooh! Aaah! Get him! Finish him! Aah! Do it.
Finish him! Come on! The fight's over.
You're all right, howser.
Doogie.
Isn't it great doogie's experiencing high school? The fun of being with kids his age.
Oh, my god.
What happened? I got in a fight at school.
Oh, my little baby.
Your baby landed some nice shots.
I don't think there's orbital damage, but I hurt my hand.
Hmm.
Fifth metacarpal may be broken.
That was doogie's best punch An uppercut to the family jewels.
Unfortunately, the bum was wearing a cast-iron jock.
Sorry, Mrs.
howser.
David, say something.
Dear, the boy's been in a fight.
It happens.
He's o.
K.
O.
K.
? You call this o.
K.
? We'll go to my office, check this hand, X-ray it.
All right.
Uh, I'll stay here and comfort Mrs.
h.
I sent you down to the high school representing this institution to teach a class.
Instead, you beat up one of the students.
This is not state-of-the-art public relations.
I'm sorry.
I made every effort to avoid a fight.
Your efforts weren't great enough, were they? You certainly can't work at surgery or E.
R.
like that.
It'll be off in 2, 3 weeks Max.
This is not high school.
You can't go to the nurse and go home.
You've let me and the staff down.
I apologize.
You'll work in the psychiatric service where maybe you can deal with your misplaced aggression.
You're a doctor, Douglas A position in society that comes with great responsibility.
Remember that.
I will, sir.
Hey, howser I heard about your fight.
Just a football player.
Nice shiner.
Does it hurt? I don't know it's there.
Women love black eyes.
You can milk that for tons of sympathy.
Doogie, you poor thing! Does it hurt? Yeah A lot.
Ohh.
Why don't you come down to the E.
R.
? I'll put some ice on it.
O.
K.
, but be gentle with me.
Of course.
I'll catch you later, curly.
I got a visitor.
What's going on? Can we talk? In private? Sure.
You look bad, man.
You should see the other guy.
My head's still ringing.
It was a lucky shot.
I traumatized your eighth cranial nerve, causing that ringing sensation.
It ought to clear up in a couple days.
I was hoping you could give me a little help with a situation I got that isn't clearing up.
Sure.
What is it? You know that class you were teaching? I've sort of got this little problem.
Swifty.
I'm getting out of the blocks before the race.
That's very solvable.
We have a specialist.
Let's set up an appointment.
I don't want to have to talk to anybody.
Isn't there a pill to take or something? There's nothing to be embarrassed about.
It's really common.
Lots of guys have it.
Do you? Well, I don't know.
O.
K.
Sign me up.
Thanks Doctor howser.
How you feeling? Oh.
Much better.
I had a fight once.
Lenny aronica, tough son of gun.
He made my freshman year miserable.
He thought being a senior gave him the right to pick on me.
What did you do? I decked him, and he decked me back.
Fighting should always be the absolute last resort.
But, uh, it's nice to know if you have to, you can.
Well, I hope i never have to.
Hmm.
Good night, son.