Empty Nest (1988) s01e17 Episode Script

Life goes on and so do we just how we do it is no mystery One by one, we fill the days We find a thousand different ways Sometimes the answer can be hard to find That's something I will never be I'm always here for anything that you need rain or shine I'll be the one to share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on as life goes on Carol? Barbara.
Dreyfuss, my Butler.
How are you? Anybody here? No? Ha-ha.
Great, dreyfuss, we're alone, just us guys, huh? Sunday morning You know what that means? That means we go into the den.
Harry.
That means we have no interruptions, watch three or four games at the same time, and read the funnies in our underwear! Harry.
Dorothy.
Uh uh uh, what are you doing here? Well, I just came over to see you, but I must say, this is more than I'd ever hoped for.
Could I, uh, please Certainly, certainly.
Yeah, and don't worry, Harry.
I didn't see a thing.
How can you live in Florida and get so little sun? Never mind.
Come on, I'll buy you a cup of coffee.
Good, I want to do a little dishing about Barbara and Jim.
- Oh, great, Barbara, Jim, dishing: Terrific.
Now, who's Jim, and what's dishing? Jim is my favorite nephew and the man that your daughter's been dating.
Barbara's been dating someone? Oh, for the past month.
Really? Harry, the Japanese have surrendered.
Now, you're gonna love my nephew.
He is absolutely a delicious kid.
He calls me.
He writes me.
He remembers my birthday.
Oh, and the face? Well, when you see him, those are not dimples.
That's from me going like this: Mmm, so much.
Well, this Jim sounds like quite a guy.
Well, Barbara's quite a girl.
And, Harry, they're in love.
Really? I don't think Barbara's ever truly been in love before.
What do you mean you don't think? Can't a father tell when a daughter's in love? Not without a wife.
That was Libby's job.
Libby knew everything that was going on.
She just told me what I needed to know.
You know, I would come home, and she would tell me, "Barbara's got a new guy.
" Then a couple nights later, she'd tell me, "Barbara's got a new guy.
" That would last about a week.
Then she would tell me, "Barbara's got a new guy.
" What about Carol? Didn't tell Carol.
Depressed her too much.
Oh.
Well, I'll tell you, Harry, this has been going on for over a month now, and they are just adorable together.
God, I am a genius.
Uh, what? You? Of course me, Harry.
What, you think these things just happen? No.
You have to plan very carefully.
You have to arrange chance meetings that'll give them the desire to see each other again.
No, it takes nurturing, takes sensitivity, not to mention what I went through to get rid of that little slut he was seeing.
That was dishing.
I'd better get going.
Oh, and, Harry, a little fashion tip: Nobody wears boxer shorts anymore.
Daddy, it's midnight.
What are you doing up? I'm waiting up for your sister.
I mean, I had to find out from a neighbor that my own daughter's in love? I want to see this guy.
I want to find out who we're in love with.
Forget it.
You don't want to see him.
I've seen him.
He's just like all the others.
He's perfect.
It makes you sick.
Hey, Carol.
I am serious, daddy.
I became physically ill looking at this guy and Barbara.
It's that same feeling you get when you think about Jessica lange.
She has babies with baryshnikov.
She lives with Sam Shepard.
I mean, here, Jessica, please.
You take all the men.
The rest of us will just lie down and die.
Eecsh, it's them.
They're here.
No, you stay here.
You stay here.
I'll go get all the details.
Later on, we'll do a little dishing.
You kiss with your eyes open.
I don't want to miss anything.
I like looking at you.
I like to look at you too.
Hi! Uh, hi.
I hope I'm not interrupting anything.
I just thought I'd drop in and say hello.
I'm Harry Weston.
Daddy, this is Jim harker.
Great.
Hi.
Your aunt Dorothy called and tells me we're all having lunch together next Wednesday? Yeah, that's what she said.
We stopped over there earlier.
Those ladies are all so sweet.
Apparently our lunch is the big news of the house.
That and the fact that some guy in the neighborhood is still wearing boxer shorts.
He is? Get out.
Well, I guess I'd better be going.
Bye-bye.
It was nice to meet you, Dr.
Weston.
Pleasure.
Oh, my god! I can't believe this! My biggest fear in life has always been that I would fall in love, and now it's here.
I'm in love.
My biggest fear is that there's no such thing as pms and this is who I really am.
Why? Why? Why would you be afraid of falling in love? Because I'm afraid that I'll change.
I have not been acting myself lately.
I mean, if somebody cuts me off in traffic, I wave at them.
I was filling out an arrest report the other day, and I drew a little heart over the letter "I" in "killer.
" Ho-ho, the killer thing is cute, sweet.
Daddy, it's so strange.
I mean, sometimes I'm so afraid, and other times I think, "please, god, please don't let this feeling end!" True or false: I'm happy for her.
What are tsps? And how many are there in a tblsp? Sorry this took so long, Barbara.
I tried to save you money by altering the universal price codes, but it backfired.
Thanks for picking this stuff up for me, Charley.
I'm way behind.
It's bad enough I've never cooked before, but I'm cooking for my family and Jim.
By the way, I didn't know what zinfandel was, so I picked up some schlitz instead.
That's okay, as long as you got the basil.
Better, bacon bits.
Charley, did you get anything I asked for? Yeah, I got you time.
The spice, Charley.
I wanted the spice.
Forget it.
I'll figure it out.
Boy, you're sure going to a lot of trouble for this guy.
Hey, brownies.
No! I made those for Jim.
People do that kind of thing for each other when they're really in love.
He does this kind of thing for you? Well, no.
Men are different.
They're not able to give of themselves as freely as women do Or they are, and the whole thing is just a huge lie they've gotten away with for years.
Well, good luck with everything.
I got to go.
Charley, don't you want to stay for dinner? I don't know, Barbara.
It smells real bad.
We'll do this, Barbara.
You go out and entertain your boyfriend, okay? What am I gonna tell him? I doubt that we have much of a secret here after you started screaming, "my god! My god! The flames!" I know.
You stall him.
We'll run over to cafe francois, pick up a little coq au vin, and you can pretend you cooked it.
Carol, you don't have to do that.
Jim and I have feelings for each other that go far deeper than whether someone can cook or not.
Hi.
So, uh, how's my little chef doing? Fine.
Go! So So are we gonna eat soon? I'm getting kind of hungry.
Jim This is a new relationship, and it would be foolish of me to lie to you.
My sister Carol has eaten our entire dinner.
What? No, I can't do that.
I burned our dinner.
Well, that's okay.
Look, I should just go anyway.
I have a lot to do.
Go? No.
I've hardly seen you at all this week.
Besides, my dad and Carol went out to get us something to eat.
They wanted me to pretend I cooked it.
Your family is so great.
As a matter of fact, my aunt Dorothy was right.
You're the perfect girl.
The perfect girl? You care how my day went.
You buy me gifts.
You send me cards that say the perfect thing on them.
Barbara, you know me so well that half the time, you Know what you're gonna say before you say it? Yes.
The thing is, what's happening with us is, it's happening pretty quick, and, uh It's a lot of responsibility, and I, uh Oh, my god, I know what you're gonna say.
See? I hate that.
Look, I really didn't want to tell you this tonight, but it can't wait.
It's not fair not to tell you.
I-I-i just can't do this anymore.
I see.
Look, we could I mean, you know, you wanna maybe talk about it some more? No.
Uh-uh.
Could you please go now? Okay.
Poor Barbara.
She's still in bed.
Believe me, daddy, she'll be fine.
She just has to go through the whole breakup process.
When she finally gets up, she'll call and beg off work and spend the whole day watching soap operas in a feeding frenzy that will end when and only when she has eaten herself into oblivion.
I did it: in 25 minutes.
Okay, this is sick.
Barbara, honey, we thought you were still in bed.
No way.
And I'm on a diet, so no breakfast for me.
She's fine.
Now, hold it.
Barbara, honey, you're depressed.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are, my poor, sweet thing.
You just don't know it.
Now, tell your sister, is this how you normally react after you've been dumped? I don't know.
I've never been dumped before.
Bitch.
Hey! No, no, no.
Honey, honey, we're just We're worried about you.
Daddy, I'm fine.
My god, have you no soul? All over the world, women mourn lost relationships.
At the very least, Barbara, they go out to the video store and rent the way we were.
I'm going upstairs.
Vernon Beals.
What? I remember now.
Vernon Beals dumped you.
Carol, Vernon Beals was ten.
His family moved to silver Springs, Maryland.
We still write.
Kenny gross! Kenny gross dumped you.
Oh.
Did Kenny gross dump her? No, me.
Oh, I'm so sorry, baby, but I'm just glad your sister's doing all right.
Barbara's a very strong young lady.
And you believe that? Daddy, she was in love with Jim, really and truly in love for the first time in her life.
And now he's gone, and it's killing her.
So in order to avoid the pain, she's refusing to deal with it.
She's in a total state of denial.
I knew that.
No, Mrs.
Butler.
Don't bother rushin' we're a-runnin' way behind.
Doctor should have been back from the hospital Well, he better have been in an accident, or he's got a lot of explainin' to do.
Bye-bye.
Oh, how do you do? I'm Dorothy zbornak.
Geriatrics is two doors down on the left.
Um, no, I'm here for Dr.
Weston.
We have an appointment with his daughter and my nephew for lunch.
Well, Dr.
Weston's not here, and he didn't tell me anything about lunch today.
Well, do you know where he is? No, and he'd better hope to god I never find out.
Well, he's a doctor.
Doesn't he have a beeper or something? Well, it's only for emergencies.
Oh? Does a broken nurse constitute an emergency? Doctor's office.
Oh, hi.
Could you hold on a minute? Listen, you'll just have to wait.
I see no reason for that.
We're late for lunch already.
Now, please beep the doctor.
Look, I've got people on the phone, a waitin' room full of sick young 'uns.
Now, why don't you just take a load off and relax? No, thank you.
I'm going to stand here until you finish your conversation with Jethro or uncle jed or whoever the hell that is on the phone.
I didn't appreciate that.
Could you hold on a minute, lurlene? Oh, he's a child.
He doesn't feel well.
It makes him happy.
Excuse me.
Is he contagious? Well, we won't know that until somebody figures out what he has.
Oh, I see.
Tell me, honey, is this your candy? Sorry I'm late.
Dorothy, what are you doing here? Writing a check to planned parenthood.
Come on.
We got to get going.
I'm sure that Jim and Barbara are waiting at the restaurant.
Dorothy, I need to speak with you for a moment here.
I'll be with you guys in just a minute, all right? You got one minute to stop socializin' and start doctorin', or I'm sendin' all them young 'uns in at once.
Dorothy, Barbara and Jim broke up.
Didn't you know? You're kidding.
No, I'm not.
They broke up? Yes.
What a shame.
I mean, they seemed so perfect for each other.
I wonder what Barbara did to him.
What do you mean, what she did to him? Well, I mean, I'm sure that Jim would never have dumped her if she didn't deserve it.
Deserved it? What is this? What is this, she deserved it? Harry, my nephew is a sweet, loving, honest young man.
Oh, excuse me.
And my Barbara is what, a pimiento loaf? Harry, will you be reasonable? No wonder this didn't work out.
Your daughter is a little wild.
And what is that supposed to mean? Harry, that means when they come looking for someone to sacrifice into the volcano, she can relax.
I'm an adult.
I'm in a bad mood.
That made me happy.
- Hi.
- Hi.
What do you want? I came in here to help you cry.
Carol, I told you, I don't feel like crying.
Yes, you do.
You have to cry, Barbara.
It is the only way you're going to get over this.
Now, if you can't do it alone, I'll just have to do what I did when we were kids and bend your fingers all the way back to your wrist.
You never did that.
No, but I can't tell you how badly I wanted to.
Carol, this is very sweet, but I'm fine.
Barbara, I'm worried about you.
This isn't a natural way to act after a breakup.
Just this once, let me be your older sister and help you through this, okay? Now, I brought everything you'll need: Malted milk balls, essential; Cashews.
Carol, I swear, I have never felt better.
The moment Jim walked out that door, I just stopped thinking about him.
I was just looking for a good time.
Have a dove bar.
Carol, really.
The way I see it, I have this life, and Jim can either choose to be a part of it or not.
You really believe that? Yes.
We can't be sisters.
There must have been a hospital mix-up at birth.
Okay, well, you seem to really have a handle on this guy thing.
Sure, guys just want to have a good time.
And of course, you feel the same way.
Right? Right.
It's not like you were expecting Jim to commit or anything? No.
You are so lucky.
I wish I could be like that.
I wish I just wanted to have fun, and if somebody left me, it didn't matter.
I'd kill to be like you.
But I'm not.
I want so much to find a man who wants to have a relationship.
I care so much that somebody takes the time and loves me back.
Carol, so do I.
Ohh.
I know.
It's okay.
This feels really terrible.
I know.
But I tell you something, Carol.
I'm gonna do this again.
This falling-in-love thing, that felt really good.
You're right.
It does.
I guess it's worth risking a little hurt to fall in love.
Good girl.
Besides, I lost 4 1/2 pounds.
Bitch.
Yes.
May I come in? Dorothy, are you here to apologize? No, Harry, I'm test marketing a new product: Underwear on a stick.
Well, actually, I thought I should be the one who should come to your house to patch things up.
Aw, thank you.
Barbara all right? I hope so.
Carol's up there with her now.
Want some coffee? No, thanks.
Breaking up is never easy.
No.
At least, it wasn't for me when I was young.
Oh, I once got dumped on my birthday.
I got dumped at the prom.
Valentine's day.
New year's Eve.
Winter carnival.
New year's Eve.
Harry, you already said that.
I know.
I still can't believe it.
Hi, daddy.
Hi, Dorothy.
Hi.
Carol and I are going out to rent the way we were.
Barbara, I just want to tell you that I think Jim made a big mistake.
Thanks.
That's nice of you.
I know.
Come on, Barbara.
I love this.
I can't wait to get my hands on that movie.
You're gonna be a mess when this is over.
Harry, I'm glad that the kids' breaking up didn't destroy our friendship.
Me too.
You're a good friend, Harry.
And so are you, dear.
Well, friend, you want to watch a little TV, have a little popcorn? Sorry, can't.
Have a date.
Date? What's a date? Friends are more important than lovers.
Not getting any, huh, Harry?