Family Matters s01e17 Episode Script

Ha! Slaughtered you again.
I'm ahead three games to two.
I want a rematch.
Hey, wait a minute.
You said I could play the winner.
You can.
It's the best 51 out of a hundred.
All right, that's enough.
Everybody up to bed.
Just one more game.
No, it's a waste of time.
Yeah, you should all go read a book.
It'll improve your mind.
Hey, some day you'll thank me.
- Yeah.
- Right.
- I thought they'd never leave.
- Yeah.
Now, son, all you do is factor out your polynomial which leaves you with X plus one plus 3X.
Which means X equals? Twenty-five.
Right.
See how much fun algebra can be? Yeah.
It's amazing this much fun is legal.
What is wrong with this chair? Mom, I'm way behind in history.
I've gotta pull an all-nighter.
Fine.
As long as you're in bed by 10.
Edward, why is your father under the table? Harriette, this chair is wobbly.
I know what you're thinking, Carl.
Just call the shop and get it fixed.
Harriette, I can do this.
All I gotta do is even out the legs.
I guess that means we're gonna get a new kitchen set.
Well, thank you for your overwhelming vote of confidence in me.
- Edward, let's get back to work.
- Dad, I'm tired.
How about tomorrow? Oh, I guess we can knock it off.
Well, you got algebra down cold anyway.
Good night, Einstein.
Good night, professor.
Ha-ha-ha.
Laura, I'm dead.
If I don't pull at least a C on my midterm exam I'm gonna flunk algebra.
- I thought Dad was a math wiz? - He is.
- Then what's the problem? - I'm the one who's taking the test.
Guess you're out of luck.
Laura, if I flunk, Mom and Dad won't let me go to the Prince concert.
You gotta help me.
I haven't had algebra yet.
There's only one person who can help you now.
Steve Urkel.
Urkel? I'd rather eat worms.
He can teach you that too.
Rachel, I don't wanna hurt your feelings, but that log cabin is pitiful.
Hey, give me a break I'm on a sugar high from eating all those popsicles.
Aunt Rachel, hurry up.
You're holding up the homestead.
Honey, I'm almost done.
It took the pioneers less time to build the real thing.
- Hi, everybody.
- Hi, honey.
Steve, did it ever occur to you that when the door is closed we're trying to keep unwanted people out? Oh, I'd better lock it then.
He's such a thoughtful child.
Thanks, Estelle.
Laura's not here.
Well, actually, it was Eddie who asked me to stop by.
- You're kidding? - I couldn't believe it either.
I got so excited, I almost stepped on my tarantula.
Eddie's in the living room.
Thanks.
Nice diorama.
Except for that pitiful log cabin.
Judy, why don't you have Rachel take a shot at it? Hi, Eddie.
Urkel, thank goodness you're here.
I couldn't believe you called me.
So, what are you up for? TV? Parcheesi? A little male bonding? Steve, I need your help.
I'm flunking algebra and I need you to tutor me.
Well, this is my busy season.
I'm trying to teach the football team fractions.
Steve, I'm desperate.
If you don't help me, I can't go to the Prince concert.
Check out these seats.
Third row.
Wow, you could get sweated on.
Will you tutor me? I'll give you anything you want.
Really? Maybe we can work something out.
What's that? Standardized Urkel Elementary Math Exam.
It helps to determine how much help you need.
Okay, first question.
What do you get when you multiply a negative by a negative? A really big negative? Uh-oh.
Second question.
Three times X equals six, what is the value of X? I know this one.
It's either a number or a letter.
Whoa.
This has never happened before.
I did good, huh? Ha-ha.
You didn't even make it onto the chart.
Steve, tutor me.
I'll give you anything you want.
- Anything? - Name it and it's yours.
We'll just say that you owe me a favor.
In the meantime, I'll just take these as collateral.
I would like to propose a toast.
To the most brilliant children in Chicago.
- You did great on your midterms.
- We're very proud of you.
Here, here.
Judy's teacher said she made the best covered wagon in the whole class.
Really? What did she think of my log cabin? She loved it.
I set it on fire and called it an Indian attack.
Dad, why don't you sit down? Because he doesn't have a chair, that's why.
Oh, Carl, how's your chair coming along? Just great, Mama.
With any luck I'll be sitting by breakfast.
- Hi, everybody.
- Hi, honey.
Hi, Laura, my sweet.
Mm.
Steak.
You ever been down to the slaughterhouse? It's fascinating.
Moo.
The next minute, rump roast.
He's such a well-rounded child.
Eddie? Could we speak privately? Sure, Urk.
Excuse us for a minute.
Come on, old buddy.
- I got a B.
- Hey.
Congratulations, that's great.
Wonderful.
Now, about my payment.
Anything, Urk.
Anything in the whole wide world.
- I want a date with Laura.
- Heh-heh-heh.
What's your second choice? There is no second choice.
But, Urkster, be reasonable.
I want Laura on a date this Friday night.
Laura, I've been thinking.
You know who's really a great guy once you get to know him? Steve Urkel.
- Urkel? - Yeah.
You two kids really have a lot in common.
If I believed that, there'd be no reason to go on.
Laura, Steve was a great tutor, but now I owe him big.
How big? I promised him a date with you.
Really? Are you out of your mind? Have a heart.
A couple of measly hours of your time could make his dreams come true.
And give me nightmares for the rest of my life.
I can't go back on my word.
You should have promised him something you could deliver like a ride on the space shuttle.
Laura.
Laura.
Listen to me, please.
It's finished.
I took this baby apart and reglued every joint.
And now this chair is perfect.
Yeah, now it's a recliner.
Can I ask you guys a que? Can I ask you guys a question? Did you ever go out with someone just because you felt sorry for him? Sure.
How do you think I met your dad? Harriette, don't start with me.
I'm having a real bad week.
My worst date was a chicken farmer, Lucas Hobbs.
He was a most pathetic man.
Always covered with feathers.
Why did you go out with him? It was the Depression, I needed a good meal.
Once he got me in the rumble seat I didn't know whether to kiss him or pluck him.
Harriette, remember when I went out with Clarence Bibby? Heh.
Do I ever.
Everything that boy ever ate in his life was stuck to his Hush Puppies.
I didn't know you were the Hush Puppy type.
Oh.
It was a mercy date.
He was hopelessly in love with me.
One of many.
So, Laura, honey, who's the loser in your life? Names aren't important.
Let's just say he's a world-class nerd with no redeeming qualities.
Sounds like Steve Urkel.
- It is.
- Ooh.
That's not a mercy date, that's a "Lord have mercy" date.
Mercy date? Steve is a fine young man.
If I was a few years younger, I'd give you a run for your money.
You want a head start? So, Eddie, what time should I pick up Laura Friday night? Urkman.
I was just gonna call you.
Laura said no.
Hmm.
Who should I take to the Prince concert? One of the guys from the chess club? Or Dr.
Woo, my allergist? Hi, Steve.
Hi, Laura.
I don't suppose I could persuade you to change your mind about Friday night? I can't believe I'm saying this but I'Il I'll go with you.
Whoa.
Wow, this new cologne must really work.
Laura, you're the bravest sister a guy ever had.
This is incredible.
You won't be sorry, Laura.
I have a spectacular evening planned.
We're not going anywhere until the ground rules are straight.
First of all, this is not a real date, it's a non-date.
Second, no one must ever know about this non-date.
Third, if you touch me at any time, the non-date is over.
What if you trip or something? Just let me fall.
The rest of the rules are covered in this contract.
"No mouth breathing, no snorting, no drooling.
" Who does these things? They're disgusting.
Where do I sign? Carl, it's taking you forever to finish that chair.
Well, Harriette, do you want this fast, or do you want it good? I don't think he's got a shot either way.
Laura? Laura? Darn, you recognized me.
Well, it was either you or the Phantom of the Opera.
- Hi, everybody.
- Hi, honey.
Hi, Laura, my sweet.
You look radiant.
These are for you.
Oh.
Oh.
I got nougat on my shoe.
Oh, no problem.
I'll just wipe it off on the curb.
Ready, my sweet? Our limo awaits.
You rented a limo? No.
Well, actually, it's my Uncle Ernie's hearse.
He's gonna drive us tonight.
We only have to make one quick delivery.
Let's get this over with.
Good night, everybody.
Excuse me.
Doctor and Mrs.
Urkel.
Just practicing.
Yes, Monsieur Urkel.
Right this way, please.
Don't put us near the kitchen or the bathroom, okay? I hate the sound of flushing while I'm eating.
Don't you, my pet? Nerd alert, Table 12.
This place is perfect.
Nobody we know would ever come here.
Right.
It'll be our special place.
No.
We won't be needing those.
I ordered ahead for the specialty of the maison.
Yes, cuisses de grenouille, excellent choice.
Steve, what did you just order us? - Frog legs.
- Are you okay? Watch it! I hope their food is better than their service.
Boy, do these guys know how to sauté their amphibians.
- How about some dessert? - No, thank you.
Every time we order another course, you bring your chair closer.
I can't help it, Laura.
I'm drawn to you like a moth to a flame.
A bee to a blossom.
A mouse to cheese.
Check, please.
Laura, you're the most beautiful girl in the whole world.
And I'm the luckiest guy.
I only hope this evening has been as magical for you as it's been for me.
Well it hasn't been that bad.
Only one more thing could make this night even more special.
I was just hoping, well, if it's not too much trouble I could have one small kiss on the cheek? That would involve touching which would be a clear violation of our contract.
Yeah.
You're right.
What was I thinking? Why should you lower yourself just because it would mean the world to me? Oh, Urkel.
For you, it's just an insignificant gesture.
In your lifetime, you'll go out on hundreds of dates.
But for me, this could be my one and only.
How do you like that? I peaked at 13.
Okay, Urkel.
One kiss on the cheek.
Keep your hands on the table where I can see them.
Don't move your head and no puckering.
Thanks, Uncle Ernie.
Urkel! There was nothing in the contract about pictures.
Now we'll have a little memento of our night together.
That's it.
This non-date is over.
Oh, but, Laura, my sweet.
Will somebody hand me some marshmallows, please? Carl, I hate to say I told you so Then don't.
Hi, Laura, how did it go? It was the most disgusting It was the most disgusting, degrading, humiliating night of my life.
Oh.
How was the food? Laura.
Look, I know you had a bad night.
But someday you're gonna look back at this night and see how funny it is.
Maybe from where you sit, Dad.
But right now, all I can see is Urkel running out of the restaurant with the tablecloth tucked into his pants.
- He did that? - He practically leveled the place.
I guess it was pretty funny.
- Here are your tickets.
- Thanks, Laura.
I've been thinking.
Why don't you go to the concert with me? - You mean that? - It'll be fun.
Thanks, Eddie.
Laura, you did a nice thing.
We're proud of you.
Yeah.
And look at it this way.
Now that you've gone out with Steve, he'll probably leave you alone for a while.
- Hello? - Hi, Carl.
This is Steve.
You've reached the Winslow residence.
There's no one home right now so please leave a message at the sound of the beep.
Beep! Laura, thank you for our enchanted evening.
My cheek is still on fire from your kiss.
And now that we're a couple I was hoping you'd wear my medical ID bracelet.
By the way, the chess club is having a formal weenie roast this weekend and I put us down for two.