Family Ties (1982) s01e17 Episode Script

I bet we've been together for a million years and I'll bet we'll be together for a million more oh, it's like I started breathing on the night we kissed and I can't remember what I ever did before what would we do, baby without us? what would we do, baby without us? and there ain't no nothin' we can't love each other through ooh-hoo what would we do, baby without us? sha-la-la-la uh, I-i don't really think I want to play, dad.
Oh? Well, no offense, but it's just not much of a challenge for me.
Oh, it doesn't matter who wins.
I just thought it would be nice to spend a little time together.
I'm gonna beat you this time.
Dad, I'm 138 and 0 against you.
Ah, 138, 0, and 1.
You're forgetting that time we played to a draw.
Dad, I had my appendix out that day.
The anesthetic had worn off.
All right, dad.
All right.
Where do you want to play? Anywhere, Alex.
You pick.
Good.
Let's play in my room, then.
That way, I can nap while you're thinking of your moves.
Well, see? It's bringing us closer together already! Does anybody need anything else from the kitchen? It's closing.
I thought the kitchen stayed open till 10:00.
Jeff's coming over to tutor me, and we're gonna be studying in there.
Oh, yeah.
How is the French coming, mal? Oh, all right, I guess.
Uh-oh.
You don't sound very enthusiastic.
Well, it's just that I'm not getting anywhere.
What do you mean? You've gone from a c-minus to a "b" in French since Jeff's been tutoring you.
She meant she's not getting anywhere with Jeff.
Jennifer! Come on, mal.
It's no secret how you feel about Jeff.
Not anymore.
Mallory, where are your priorities? Now, we hired Jeff to help raise your grade in French, remember? We've accomplished that, mom.
It's time to move on.
You can't force it, Mallory.
Either the chemistry's there or it's not.
It's just a certain Je ne sais quoi.
Where'd you learn that? Last week, when you were doing your idioms.
Were you eavesdropping? I always do when you have a boy over.
I can't figure it out.
I think he likes me.
We laugh.
We have a good time together.
But whenever we talk too long about anything other than French, he freezes up.
Well, Jeff's a little shy, honey.
Actually, I think it's cute.
Shouldn't he be here by now? I'm usually eavesdropping by this time.
Yeah, you're right.
It's not like him to be so late.
Jeff! Uh, why are you standing there? Didn't the doorbell work? I don't know.
I didn't try it yet.
I heard voices inside, and I didn't want to interrupt.
You have your work cut out for you, Mallory.
Uh Je suis Tu es, il est, nous êtes I don't know.
I'm always having trouble with these irregular verbs.
You just have to memorize them, Mallory.
It's just like in English.
I am, you are, he or she is.
Well, I know it in English.
See? You've got a knack for languages.
You've got a really good sense of humor.
Oh.
Oh, sorry.
Getting back to conjugation So, how'd you get to be so good in French? I lived in Paris for five years as a kid.
My parents were really mad.
Actually, my dad was in the foreign service.
Oh, why didn't you ever tell me that? You never asked me.
You're right.
When we first met, I should have said, "nice to meet you.
" Was your dad ever in the foreign service? Yes, he was.
What do you do when you're not tutoring me? I go to school.
I know.
We go to the same school.
I meant personally.
Do you have any sports you like, any hobbies Any girlfriends? Yes.
What's her name? No.
I-i meant sports.
I play hockey.
Oh, I love hockey.
Maybe we could play doubles sometime.
Yeah, that'd be great.
How about you? Any hobbies? Any other sports you like? Any girlfriends I mean, boyfriends? No.
Great.
I mean, I'm surprised.
A girl like you No hobbies, no boyfriend? So neither of us has any sports or hobbies or boyfriend girlfriend.
Except for hockey.
Right.
Well, I guess that's about enough for today.
Oh, it is? I was hoping we could go further.
I'll just go out the back.
That way, I won't bother anybody.
So, I guess I'll see you tomorrow.
I guess you will.
Au revoir.
Au revoir.
Oh.
Jeff's gone already? Yeah.
So, Mallory, what happened? There was some stuff I couldn't hear.
Nothing happened.
Just when he starts to let down his guard and break the ice, he freezes up again.
Why don't you just throw yourself at him and get it over with? Jennifer! Would you stay out of my personal life? I'm trying to make sure you ha one.
Honey, girls don't have to be afraid of letting boys know how they feel now.
These are the 1980s.
What did girls do back then when you were a kid? Back in the 1880s? Actually, it wasn't all that easy for us when I was a girl.
I mean, if you were interested in a boy, sometimes you just had to wait until they asked you out.
What if he never asked? Then you called your girlfriend and you set each other's hair.
You mean, if you liked the boy and he never asked you out, there was nothing you could do about it, right? Oh, yeah.
There were some silly, scheming things that some other girls used to do to attract guys' attention.
Like what? Oh, you know, stupid things like, uh, you could ask a friend to call his friend or you could write your name in his notebook or maybe put your picture in his locker.
Or if you really liked the guy, you'd try to get your parents to buy the house next door to his.
Tell me, mom, did you write your name on the inside of the notebook or on the cover? Well, you know what I used to do Yeah? Mallory, you you are You're missing the point.
Things are much simpler now.
And if you're really interested in Jeff, then you should just ask him out.
I guess you're right.
Sorry to bother you.
I forgot my book.
I could come back for it another time if it's more convenient.
Jeff, come on in.
Mallory has something to ask you.
Uh Yeah.
Do you know if the house next to yours is up for sale? Are you gonna make a move here, dad, or what? Don't rush me, Alex.
These things take time.
It's been a day and a half, dad.
I think you could at least make your opening move.
The opening move is perhaps the most important of the game, Alex.
It it sets the tone for the entire contest.
Well, whenever you're ready.
But, uh, remember, I leave for college in September.
Okay! Okay.
I'll wait here while you're mulling the Bonjour, Jeff.
Bonjour, Mallory.
Hi, Jeff.
Hello.
Hi.
I guess we'd better leave you two alone to study and whatever else comes to your mind.
Jennifer! Well, I hate to kick you out of your own living room.
Don't worry about it.
We could use it anytime.
Come on, Alex and dad.
Huh? Oh.
So, come on in.
Thank you.
Uh Can I get you anything? Something cold to drink? That'd be nice, if it's not too much trouble.
Oh, no trouble at all.
Uh, make yourself at home.
My dad forgot his book.
Uh, Alex, c-can I ask you something? I was wondering if your sister Mallory She likes you, Jeff.
S-she does? That's great! So, what are you waiting for? Why don't you ask her out? I'm afraid.
What if she says no? She won't.
What if she says yes? T-then you go out with her.
That's even scarier.
What if she doesn't like me? Jeff, I already told you She likes you.
She likes me as a tutor, but what if she doesn't like me as a date? How are you gonna know unless you go out? Here's some juice, Jeff.
I squeezed the oranges myself.
You know what? That is a very nice thing to do for someone, Mallory.
I'm sure he appreciates it.
Yeah, I really do.
May I squeeze something for you? I mean Thank you very much.
Well, uh My work here is done.
Mallory, before I drink this, I have to ask you something.
There are no pits in it.
That's great, but that's not what I wanted to ask.
Wait, there's something I have to ask you first.
Will you go out with me? No.
Will you go out with me? Yes.
Great.
There's something else I have to ask you.
What? Why did you just say no when I asked you to go out with me? Did I say no? I meant yes.
Great.
Mallory, when you said yes I meant yes.
Jennifer: It's about time! Alex.
Do you mind? Sorry, dad.
I didn't realize.
I was kind of caught up in this article.
That's another thing.
I may not be Boris spassky, but I think you owe me the courtesy of at least looking at the board from time to time, even though it is my move.
Dad, it's been your move for an hour and a half.
Well, I'm ready now.
Well, good.
Whoa! Alex.
Oh, sorry, dad.
Well, Alex, let's see you worm your way out of that one.
Ahhhhhh.
Didn't see that.
Uh Uh Well, uh Listen, I'm, uh I'll go study this someplace where it's a little more quiet! I don't know how anybody's supposed to play chess with all that racket going on! Come on in.
Hello, Alex.
Hi, Jeff.
You're a little early for your date, aren't you? Yeah.
Yeah, I am early.
I was hoping to find you here alone.
You've got to talk to Mallory for me, Alex.
I can't go through with it.
I can't go on the date.
Jeff, you'll be fine.
I won't be fine! I'm too nervous.
I've gone over this date in my mind a hundred times.
There were only four times when I didn't spill something.
You'll be all right.
Just, uh, don't order anything to drink.
Alex, the problem is more pervasive than that.
I should not be going out with Mallory Keaton.
She's beautiful.
She's graceful.
She looks gorgeous in a dress.
All the things I'm not.
Let's be thankful for some of that, Jeff.
I can't go through with it, Alex.
Just tell her I'm sorry.
Hey, wait.
I'm not telling her that.
I mean, she's getting ready.
You're here.
You should go out on the date.
How? Haven't you even been on a date before? Sure.
I went out with Betty Bronson last week.
Sounds good.
Betty's my cousin.
Okay, okay, it's not ideal, but, uh, the same basic rules apply.
Just follow this advice, you're guaranteed success on a date.
Really? Really.
You see, luckily, all women are exactly the same.
They are? Sure.
See, I-i know you read a lot today in magazines and newspapers about, uh, "the new woman" and independence, assertiveness.
Why, I-it's simply not true.
It's not? No.
Surprised, huh? A little.
See, all you have to do to ensure success on a date is to assume total command from the minute the female appears.
See, you are the man.
You're in control.
You make that moment.
Okay, Alex, I'll do it.
On one condition.
What? You've got to come, too.
A guy, a girl, and her brother are not what we're shooting for here, Jeff.
I need you there, Alex.
You don't have to sit with us.
Just be somewhere in the restaurant.
That way, if I run into trouble, I can come to you.
I don't know.
It's gonna look pretty silly, isn't it? I mean, me sitting at a table by myself? Bring a date.
You can get a date on short notice, can't you? Me? Of course.
Well, okay, then.
Okay.
Hi, Regina? Yeah, it's me, your cousin Alex.
Will you hurry up, please? I'm here, I'm here.
Where are we gonna sit? I don't know.
The, uh, maître d' will seat us.
Okay, but don't let him put us near the kitchen, like last time.
Hey, that wasn't my fault.
Why do we have to fight every time we go out?! Good evening, sir.
Table for two? Something romantic.
She's my sister.
Oh.
Hey, what are they doing here? Hey.
Look at that.
Small world.
Excuse me for a second.
Alex, what took you so long? I've been trying to stall till you got here.
Well, it took me a while to, uh, convince Jennifer to come.
I'm here for the pizza, not the company.
How's it going so far? Terrible.
Well, what's wrong? Well, we've been talking about the weather for the last 20 minutes.
And that's been the highlight.
Okay, okay.
I'm here.
Everything is under control.
Uh, have you ordered yet? Not yet.
This is good.
Okay.
First thing you do Order for both of you.
Don't even ask her what she wants.
Just order.
And, uh, when the waiter comes, insult him.
It'll impress her.
Are you sure? I'm sure.
That's them, all right.
What are they doing here? Oh, just out for a good time, I guess.
Are you ready to order? Yes, I think I'll have Uh, she'll have the veal parmigiana.
In fact, we'll both have the veal.
Veal for two.
And step on it! Not the veal.
Something to drink? Um, a root beer, please.
Ginger ale two.
Jeff, that was incredibly rude, not to mention the fact I wanted a root beer.
You didn't like it? No.
Excuse me.
Alex! We're getting the pizza with bologna, and that's final! Okay, okay, Jennifer.
Don't make a scene.
Alex, it's not working out.
Why? What's wrong? I insulted the waiter.
I ordered for the two of us, just like you said.
And? She didn't like it.
She liked it.
Jeff, believe me Underneath, she liked it.
Alex, I can't be like you Suave and cool.
That's not me.
That's not Alex either.
Just go back to the table and start flattering.
Tell her that, uh, her hair is like fine-spun silk corn, that, uh, her eyes are are like shimmering pools of beauty.
I'm gonna be sick.
All right.
I'll try that.
Jeff, why do you keep going over to Alex? Mallory, your eyes are like shimmering pools of corn.
What? I wanted a root beer, not a ginger ale.
Just trust me.
I know what's good And I don't want this.
Jeff, I don't want the veal.
You'll like it.
It's okay.
Yeah.
Let me get that.
It's still edible.
It didn't hit the floor Jeff.
Okay.
Okay.
Now I see what he's been doing.
Very clever, really.
You see, Alex has been using the nimzowitsch defence, Elyse.
But it's easily countered with the sicilian variation of the king's gambit declined.
Don't you think Alex knows that? Knows what? Well, I-i mean, isn't it possible that the king's gambit declined is exactly what Alex expects you to do? I mean, after all, it's his book.
The fiend.
Hi, Mallory.
How was your date? It's fine.
You're home early, aren't you? Something tells me she and Jeff didn't get engaged.
Jeff.
Hello, Mrs.
Keaton.
Can I come in? Of course.
Come on in.
What happened? I'm not sure, exactly.
When Mallory left, she was really upset.
I was hoping she was feeling better now.
What went wrong? I don't know.
We were at the restaurant.
We couldn't think of anything to talk about.
I ordered something for her that she didn't want.
I insulted the waiter.
I spilled drinks, food.
I ruined her dress.
The next thing I know, she was gone.
Sounds like you did all the right things.
I wanted so badly for this to be a special night.
I even got Alex to come to the restaurant to help me.
Aha.
Now we're getting somewhere.
Why did you ask Alex to help? Well, you know, I'm not real good with women, and Alex is.
Who told you that? Alex.
He said that Mallory would like me if I were more like him.
Now I know why she ran out.
Alex, it didn't work.
Everything you told me was wrong.
Always assume that's the case with Alex.
All right, maybe I was wrong.
I gave you some advice, and it didn't work out.
I didn't charge you for it, did I? I-it's not like you're out any money.
That's the important thing.
Oh, hi.
Hi.
IDon't suppose you want to talk, do you? I want you to explain to me why you acted like Alex instead of you.
Why don't we leave these two alone to talk? Good idea.
Jeff, if you want my advice Whatever you do, don't apologize! You're the man! Mallory, I'm sorry.
For the rudeness or for the spilling or for the general boorish manner? I don't know.
What offended you the most? Why were you acting like that, Jeff? That's not like you at all.
I thought you wanted me to be tough and in control and in command.
I thought you'd like that in a guy.
I like that in an airline pilot, not a date.
I don't want you to be like that.
Okay.
I'll be however you want me to be.
You don't like tough and boorish, I can be something else.
Jeff, don't you realize? I went out with you because I like you.
You're the guy I wanted to be with.
Really? Yes.
But, Mallory, I I'm clumsy.
I'm awkward.
I can't help it.
I like you.
Do you think you still might be able to like me after tonight? Je ne sais.
But I'm willing to give it a try.
Je ne sais pas.
You forgot the "pas.
" You see, with the negative, you have to put Jeff? What? Shut up.
Want to give up, dad? Give up? Are you kidding? Dad, can't we go to bed? I'm tired.
I hate to put a damper on this, honey, but the kids do have to go to school tomorrow.
Or is that today? Come on, dad.
I'm tired of this game.
You're just prolonging your own agony, not to mention the agony of your family.
All right, Alex.
Knight to queen, knight 6.
Checkmate.
Yeah.
Look for yourself! I won!