Freaks and Geeks s01e17 Episode Script

Announcer: PREVIOUSLY ONFREAKS AND GEEKS SERGEANT PEPPER, WHERE'S THE REST OF THE LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND? LINDSAY, IS THIS BONEHEAD A FRIEND OF YOURS? I LIKE SAM.
OH.
DO YOU THINK THA THERE'S ANY CHANCE THA THIS MAY ACTUALLY HAPPEN? YOU REALLY LIKE HER, DON'T YOU? SO, IF THEY OPEN THIS NEW SPORTING GOODS MEGA-STORE AT THE MALL, WE'RE IN FOR A REAL FIGHT.
WELL, IF I WERE THEM, I'D BE THE NERVOUS ONES.
I WOULDN'T SHOP A THAT BIG MEGA-STORE IF YOU PAID ME.
OH, I LIKE THIS GIRL.
ISN'T SHE GREAT, LINDSAY? UH, YEAH, SHE'SGREAT.
SO I HEAR SOMETHING VERY EXCITING IS HAPPENING THIS WEEK AT SCHOOL.
THAT'S RIGHT.
VICE PRESIDEN GEORGE HERBERT WALKER BUSH IS COMING TO OUR SCHOOL TO SPEAK AT AN ASSEMBLY IN THE CAFETERIA.
BOY, I WISH THERE WAS A WAY I ULD GET THE VICE PRESIDEN TO STOP AT MY STORE.
YOU CAN'T PAY FOR THAT KIND OF PUBLICITY.
YOU KNOW, THE MOS EXCITING THING IS CINDY, BECAUSE SHE'S HEAD OF THE YOUNG REPUBLICANS CLUB, GETS TO INTRODUCE HIM.
WOW, THAT IS A BIG HONOR, ISN'T IT LINDSAY? YEAH, IF YOU'RE A REPUBLICAN.
OH, AND YOU'RE NOT? NO, I'M A DEMOCRAT.
YOU KNOW, EVERYONE'S A DEMOCRAT TILL THEY GET A LITTLE MONEY.
THEN THEY COME TO THEIR SENSES.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY DREAMWORKS TELEVISION, L.
L.
C.
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT MY REPUTATION LIVIN' IN THE PAST, IT A NEW GENERATION GO AND DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO AND THAT'S WHA I'M GONNA DO AND I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT MY BAD REPUTATION OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO NOT ME WHAH! NO! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO NOT ME ME, ME, ME, ME I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT MY REPUTATION I'VE NEVER BEEN AFRAID OF ANY DEVIATION ND I DON'T REALLY CARE IF YOU THINK I'M STRANGE I AIN'T GONNA CHANGE AND I'M NEVER GONNA CARE 'BT MY BAD REPUTATION NOTE! IT LOOKS PRETTY GOOD.
WHAT, ARE THE BLUES BROTHERS DOING A SHOW IN TOWN TONIGHT? NO.
GEORGE BUSH IS COMING TO SPEAK TO THE SCHOOL.
THE PORN STAR? THE VICE PRESIDEN OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
GEORGE BUSH.
HI, GUYS.
HEY.
HEY.
HEY.
WHAT'S WRONG? I'M JUST-- I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.
I JUST FOUND OU WE HAVE TO PLAY HAIL TO THE CHIEF WHEN BUSH ARRIVES.
THERE'S A LOT OF TUBA.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, AMY.
BUSH PROBABLY DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE TUBA.
I CAN SEE IT NOW.
[MIMICSHAIL TO THE CHIEF OUT OF TUNE.]
[LAUGHING.]
STOP! ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS.
COME ON, BEAT IT.
THERE'S NO HANGING OUT UNDER THE STAIRS.
WHAT? SINCE WHEN? SINCE THE VICE PRESIDEN IS COMING.
COME ON, GIMME A BREAK.
THE SECRET SERVICE WANTS ALL THESE AREAS CLEARED OUT.
HOW WE EVER GONNA PLAN OUR COUP? DON'T EVEN JOKE, DESARIO.
I CAN GET YOU THROWN IN JAIL JUST FOR SAYING THAT.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
COOOOOUP.
COUP.
COUP.
DON'T JOKE ABOUT IT.
IT'S OK.
I HAVE TO PRACTICE, ANYWAY.
WANT TO HANG OU AFTER SCHOOL? I DON'T KNOW.
I HAVE TO PRACTICE.
GOTTA STUDY.
YOU'RE A BAD INFLUENCE.
SO I'LL SEE YOU AT 6:30? SEE YA LATER.
BYE.
Cindy: I HOPE THE GAME'S GOOD TONIGHT.
Girl: DEFINITELY.
IT WILL BE.
TRUST ME.
HA HA HA.
HEY, GUYS.
WHAT'S HAPPENING? [OTHER TABLE LAUGHS.]
WE DON'T KNOW.
ALL GOING ON OVER THERE.
[LAUGHING AND TALKING.]
ONCE YOU STAR DOWN THAT DARK PATH, FOREVER WILL I DOMINATE YOUR DESTINY.
AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT YODA ALWAYS SAYS.
I MEAN, NOT ALL CHEERLEADERS HAVE TO BE PRETTY, BUT THEIR CHEERLEADERS AREN'T EVEN REMOTELY PRETTY.
I MEAN, THEY'RE DIRTY.
YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS? IT'S DISRESPECTFUL.
IT'S DISRESPECTFUL TO THEIR TEAM.
IT'S DISRESPECTFUL TO THEIR SCHOOL.
IF I WAS THEIR STUDENT BODY, I WOULDN'T ALLOW IT.
HEY, NOT ALL OUR CHEERLEADERS ARE PRETTY.
YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.
TODD, SHUT UP.
I WASN'T TALKING ABOUT YOU.
GOD, WOULD YOU GET OVER YOURSELF? SAM, YOU'RE NO GONNA DEFEND ME? WHAT? HE--HE SAID HE WASN'T TALKING ABOUT YOU.
SO YOU'RE JUS GONNA LET IT GO? WOULD YOU STOP? I LIKE SAM.
WHAT, DO YOU WAN TO SEE US FIGHT? I'D LIKE TO SEE THAT.
MOUSETRAP! I WIN! CONGRATULA TIONS, BILL.
MAYBE YOU CAN GET THE SCHOOL TO START A TEAM.
FUNNY.
SAM, DON'T WORRY.
IT'S JUST A GAME.
I MEAN, I'M GOOD AT MOUSETRAP, AND YOU'RE REALLY GOOD AT KERPLUNK.
NO.
NO, NO, NO.
IT'S NOT THAT.
IT'S JUST THIS THING WITH CINDY.
SHS KINDA-- SHE'S KINDA BORING.
REALLY? IT'S WEIRD HANGING OU WITH HER FRIENDS.
I MEAN, ALL SHE EVER WANTS TO DO IS MAKE OUT AND STUFF.
I'D KILL TO BE THAT BORED.
MAYBE YOU'RE NO DOING THIS RIGHT.
I MEAN, AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO GO OU ON DATES AND STUFF? WELL, Y-YEAH.
WE WENT TO THE MALL TWICE, AND WE WENT TO THIS FOOTBALL GAME ONCE, AND AFTER THAT, WE WENT TO A DIFFERENT MALL.
THAT SOUNDS FANTASTIC.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAKE HER OUT ON A DATE AND DO SOMETHING THATYOUWANT TO DO.
BUT WHAT IF SHE DOESN'T WANT TO DO WHAT I WANT TO DO? THEN WHY ARE YOU GOING OUT WITH HER? Neal: BECAUSE SHE'S A GODDESS! AM I THE LAST SANE MAN ON THIS GODFORSAKEN PLANET? HEY, PASS HER OVER HERE.
I'DMOVETO THE MALL IF SHE WANTED ME TO.
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL ASK.
JUST SHUT UP ALREADY.
SO HOW COME WE NEVER HANG OUT AT YOUR HOUSE? UM, 'CAUSE I HATE IT THERE? RELY? YES, REALLY.
HOW COME EVERYONE ALWAYS THINKS I'M JOKING ALL THE TIME? SOMETHING TO DO WITH MY VOICE, ISN'T IT? THAT'S WHAT I THINK.
I MEAN, YOUR PARENTS SEEM SO NICE.
WELL, THEY'RE NO BAD PEOPLE.
THEY'RE GOOD AT THEIR JOBS.
I GUESS--I GUESS RAISING ME WASN'T ONE OF THE THINGS THEY LEARNED TO DO IN COLLEGE.
SO HOW'D YOU TURN OU AM I? I DON'T KNOW.
I WAS, UH, I WAS RAISED BY A NANNY.
YEAH.
CATHERINE.
SHE WAS PRETTY-- SHE WAS PRETTY GREAT, YOU KNOW.
SHE WAS THE BEST MOMMY MONEY COULD BUY.
I DI I'M GLAD YOU TOLD ME.
YEAH.
WELL.
YOU KNOW, I THINTHAT WE TELL EACH OTHER EVERYTHING.
IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT, SO YOU GOTTA PROMISE ME YEAH.
OFYOU WON'T FREAK OUT.
OH, I'M PRETTY HARD TO FREAK OUT.
NO, I'M SERIOUS.
YOU PROMISE? I CAN TRY TO PROMISE.
IF YOU KILLED SOMEONE OR SOMETHING, THOUGH-- NO.
YOU KNOW, FORGET IT.
I'M SORRY.
GO ON.
N.
BUT WHEN I WAS BORN MALE OR FEMALE YEAH.
ME, TOO.
NO, I MEAN--I MEAN, I WAS BORN WITH BOTH WITH BOTH MALE AND FEMALE PARTS.
MY PARENTS MADE A DECISION WITH THE DOCTORSI MEAN, THANK GOD, THAT I SHOBECAUSE THAT'S WHO I AM.
BUT IT'S STILL A REALLY BIG PART OF MY LIFE AND I THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW.
NO, THIS ISGOOD THAT YOU TOLD ME THIS.
ARE YOU FREAKING OUT? IT-- YOU'RE--YOU'RE, UH, YOU'RE ALL GIRL NOW.
YEAH.
YEAH.
SO, YOU KNOW, IT'S OK, YOU KNOW? IT'S, UH, IF I WAS DATING YOU WHEN YOU WERE JUST BORN, THINGS, UH, MIGHT BE A LITTLE DIFFEREN 'CAUSE OF ALL THAT STUFF.
BUT NOW YOU'RE, UH, YOU'RE ALL GIRL NOW, SO IT'SOK.
THANKS, KEN.
YEAH.
YOU KNOW, IT'S, UH, I, UH, I HAD MY APPENDIX OUT, SO, YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN THERE.
HA HA HA HA.
LINDSAY, OLD JEFF ROSSO IS ABOUT TO MAKE YOUR DAY.
YOU'VE HEARD OF A GUY NAMED VICE PRESIDEN GEORGE BUSH, HAVEN'T YOU? YEAH.
WELL, I'VE ARRANGED R YOU TO ASK HIM THE FIRST QUESTION DURING THE INFORMAL Q AND A WITH THE STUDENT BODY.
I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.
WHY? BECAUSE I'M A DEMOCRAT.
SO? SO I WOULDN' HAVE VOTED FOR REAGAN IF I WAS OLD ENOUGH.
WHY WOULD I WAN TO TALK TO HIS LACKEY? GEE, I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE BECAUSE HE'S THE SECOND MOST POWERFUL MAN ON EARTH.
MAYBE BECAUSE WE LIVE IN A COUNTRY WHERE WE CAN ACTUALLY QUESTION OUR LEADERS WITHOUT FEAR OF BEING HACKED TO DEATH BY A MACHETE.
MR.
ROSSO, I DIDN'T-- HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? FORGET IT.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO TALK TO THE VICE PRESIDENT.
THERE'S PLENTY OF PEOPLE HERE WHO ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT THEIR COUNTRY.
I GUESS ME AND MY HIPPIE FRIENDS WERE ALL JUST WASTING OUR TIME AT BERKELEY DEMONSTRATING AND STOPPING AN UNJUST WAR.
PROBABLY SHOULDN' HAVE BOTHERED.
OK, MR.
ROSSO.
STOP.
COME ON, LINDSAY.
I WAS SO EXCITED FORYOUTO DO IT! YOU'RE A SPECIAL PERSON, AND IT'S YOUR DESTINY, IF YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, TO BE INTERACTING WITH WORLD LEADERS.
DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT? YOU BET I DO.
OK.
FINE.
I'LL DO IT.
I'VE GOT THE BEST JOB IN THE WORLD! 12 GRAND A YEAR, AND I'M OVERPAID.
EXCUSE ME, SIR.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU AND THIS YOUNG LADY TO PLEASE LEAVE THE OFFICE.
NO, SIR.
W THERE ANYTHING WRONG? E JUST NEED TO INSPECT AND CORDON OFF THESE AREAS UNTIL AFTER THE VICE PRESIDENT'S VISIT.
BUT, UH, WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO WORK? SORRY, SIR, IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM.
THANKS VERY MUCH.
ISN'T THIS EXCITING? THANK YOU.
DO ME A FAVOR? GIVE ME A ROOM SWEEP ON THE LEFT SIDE.
YEAH.
UH, CROCKPOT, YOU'RE GOING TO GET A VISUAL ON THAT BOGIE.
HE'S COMING AT YOU.
HE'S ABOUT 6'3", A REAL DR.
FEELGOOD LOOK.
CHECK HIM OUT.
WOW.
IT'S SIXTH PERIOD ALREADY.
YEP.
DID YOU HAVE A GOOD LUNCH? I THOUGH THE CAFETERIA FOOD LOOKED A LITTLE GROSS, SO I HAD AN APPLE.
IT WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD.
IF YOU LIKE SALISBURY STEAK.
[BELL RINGS.]
UM I HAVE TO GET TO MATH, SO-- I GOT CHEMISTRY.
GIVE YOU A CALL.
SO WHAT SHOULD I ASK? WELL, ASK HIM SOMETHING REALLY TOUGH, YOU KNOW? PUT HIM ON THE SPOT.
WHAT WOULD HE NO WANT TO TALK ABOUT? THEY SAY THAT REAGAN HAD IRAN DELAY THE RELEASE OF THE HOSTAGES UNTIL TER HE WAS ELECTED.
YOU SHOULD ASK HIM ABOUT THAT.
WRITE THAT ONE DOWN.
I BET HE FLIPS.
I WANT TO ASK HIM ABOU TRICKLE-DOWN ECONOMICS.
OH, LINDSAY, THAT'S BORING.
NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT THAT.
HERE, GIVE ME THIS NOTEBOOK.
KIM I WANT TO ASK HIM ABOUT THE ALIENS AT ROSWELL.
[LAUGHING.]
COME ON.
I GOTTA WRITE DOWN SOME REAL QUESTIONS.
OK.
HOW'S IT GOING? GREAT.
I THINK I 'M GONNA GET A "B" IN MATH.
I'M SO RELIEVED.
CINDY, I WAS KINDA THINKING THAT MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO GO OU ON A DATE WITH ME.
LIKE A REAL DATE, YOU KNOW? SAM, YOU'RE SO SWEET.
OF COURSE I'LL GO OU ON A DATE WITH YOU.
YEAH? HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT WE COULD DO? ALL THE FOOTBALL PLAYERS ARE GOING TO THESE BATTING CAGES, LIKE THIS GOOFY GOLF TYPE PLACE, AND THEN AFTERWARDS, THEY'RE GONNA GO SWIM IN THIS LAKE.
DOESN'T THAT SOUND LIKE FUN? YEAH.
WELL, ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW I WAS THINKING THAT MAYBE I COULD PLAN THE DATE.
I'D TAKE YOU OUT.
IT WOULD BE MY SURPRISE.
IT WOULD BE ON ME, YOU KNOW? I GET IT.
YOU WANT TO TAKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND OU LIKE A REAL GENTLEMAN.
YEAH.
[CHUCKLES.]
YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK THAT'S REALLY ROMANTIC.
COOL.
[WHISTLE BLOWING.]
I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE.
WHY ARE YOU ACTING LIKE THIS? ACTING LIKE WHAT? YOU CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT ME! I'M LOOKING AT YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT WHAT I TOLD YOU? NOTHING.
YOU KNOW, YOU TOLD ME, AND I'M FINE WITH IT.
YOU'RE NOT FINE WITH IT! YOU'RE NOT FINE WITH IT! YOU'RE ACTING COMPLETELY WEIRD.
WELL, I DON' THINK I AM.
I MEAN, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO ACT AFTER YOU TELL ME SOMETHING LIKE THAT? I DON'T KNOW, BUT YOU'RE NO REACTING AT ALL.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO.
I--I CAN'T CHANGE IT.
YOU'RE SUCH A JERK.
AMY, TELL ME WHAT TO SAY, 'CAUSE CLEARLY YOU HAVE SOMETHING IN MIND.
DO YOU STILL LIKE ME? YEAH! OF COURSE I LIKE YOU STILL.
AND YOU CAN LIVE WITH THIS? LIVE WITH WHAT? IT'S OVER.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, MOVE ON.
KEN, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
IT'S NOT THAT EASY.
NO MATTER WHAT THE DOCTORS DID, THERE'S ALWAYS GONNA BE SOME PART OF ME THAT'S A GUY? NO.
FORGET IT.
IF IT WERE ME, I'D TAKE HER TO A BROADWAY SHOW.
BROADWAY? WE'RE IN MICHIGAN.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
DINNER THEATER? THE JERKIS PLAYING AT THE DISCOUNT THEATER.
THAT'S NO EXACTLY ROMANTIC.
LAUGHTER IS THE ULTIMATE APHRODISIAC.
GET A WOMAN LAUGHING AND YOU'VE GOT A WOMAN LOVING.
YOU GOTTA GET HER A REALLY GOOD PRESENT.
YOU COULD MAKE HER SOMETHING.
LIKE OUT OF PAPER MACHE.
YEAH, THAT'S GREAT.
IT'S FROM THE HEART.
HEY, HARRIS? WHAT KIND OF PRESENTS DO YOU GET JUDITH? JUDITH HAS VERY PARTICULAR TASTES.
ABOUT THE ONLY THING SHE EVER WANTS IS SCENTED OILS AND PLENTY OF TIME WITH HER MAN.
Everybody: ECCH! I HAVE THE PERFECT GIFT.
WHAT IS IT? YOUR GRANDMOTHER GAVE THIS TO ME WHEN I WAS JUS ABOUT CINDY'S AGE.
IT'S AN HEIRLOOM.
I THOUGHT IT WAS THE MOST ELEGAN THING I'D EVER SEEN, AND I'M SURE IF YOUR GRANDMOTHER KNEW HOW IMPORTANT THIS WAS TO YOU, SHE WOULD WAN YOU TO HAVE IT.
AND I WANT YOU TO HAVE IT.
AFTER ALL, THIS IS YOUR FIRST LOVE.
THANKS, MOM.
WI RIGHT FOR EACH OTHER.
I A PERFECT COUPLE.
OK, LOOK, I'M GOING TO TELL YOU GUYS SOMETHING NOW, D YOU HAVE TO PROMISE NO AND NOT TO TELL ANYONE EVER, OK? AMY'S NOT REALLY A GIRL.
BUT SHE'S KINDA--SHE'S I MEAN, YOU KNOW,SHE IS--KINDA PART GUY, TOO.
WHAT'S THAT MEAN? IT MEANS THATSHE WAS PACKING BOTH A GUN AND THE HOLSTER.
L HAVE,YOU KNOWTHE GUN? NO.
THE DOCTORS TOOK CARE OF IT.
Nick: I DON'T THINK IT WORKS THAT WAY.
YOUBETTER GET RID OF HER.
TO BREAK UP WITH HER.
NTI REALLY LIKE HER.
I MIGHT EVENLOVE HER.
REALYEAH.
YEAH.
I DON'T KNOW.
DOES IT? S TO MY NEW "OFFICE," COURTESY OF BIG BROTHER.
IT'S KIND OF CRAMPED.
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
QUITE ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
KEN MILLER.
HERE.
TALKIN'.
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU? UM, I, UH, CAN' BELIEVE IT MYSELF, BUT I ACTUALLY CAME HERE TO ASK YOU SOME ADVICE.
WELL, THAT'S WHAT THEY PAY ME FOR.
YEAH.
UM WELL, THERE'S A SMALL LITTLE CHANCE THAT I MIGHT BE GAY.
I SEE.
THAT'S COOL.
AND, YOU KNOW, I THOUGH YOU'D BE A GOOD PERSON TO TALK TO ABOUT IT, SINCE YOU'RE GAY.
I'M NOT GAY.
YOU'RE NOT? NO.
OH.
MAN.
I JUST ALWAYS THOUGHT-- WHY DID YOU THINK THAT? I--I DON'T KNOW.
YOU JUST--YOU KINDA HAVE THIS WAY ABOUT YOU, AND I'VE--I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU WITH A WOMAN.
I DON'T BRING DATES TO SCHOOL.
LOOK, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING GAY.
IT'S JUST NO MY PERSONAL PREFERENCE.
I THINK I'D BETTER GET GOING.
KEN, YOU CAN STAY AND TALK ABOUT THIS.
NO, I DON'T THINK I CAN.
THERE'S A BRAND-NEW DANCE, BUT I DON'T KNOW ITS NAME THAT PEOPLE FROM BAD-- [HEAVY METAL PLAYS.]
IF THEY COULD SEE ME NOW THAT OLD GANG OF MINE I'M EATIN' FANCY CHOW AND DRINKIN' FANCY WINE I'D LIKE THOSE STUMBLEBUMS TO SEE FOR A FAC THE KIND OF TOP-DRAWER, FIRST-RATE CHUMS I ATTRAC ALL I CAN SAY IS, WOW, HEY, LOOK AT WHERE I AM I'M LANDING, POW, RIGHT IN A POT OF JAM WHAT A SETUP, HOLY COW BELIEVE I IF MY FRIENDS COULD SEE ME FRIENDS COULD SEE ME SAID IF MY FRIENDS COULD SEME [MUTTERING TO HIMSELF.]
COME ON.
COME ON.
NO! DAMN IT! COME ON! MOTHER-- MR.
ROSSO? LINDSAY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I LOCKED MY KEYS IN MY CAR.
YOU NEED SOME HELP? I THINK I CAN HANDLE IT.
BU OH SH'S PEOPLEREJECTED YOUR QUESTIONS.
SO THEY'VE WRITTEN ONE FOR YOU.
HERE.
"WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO EA IN THE STATE OF MICHIGAN?" WHAT THE--WHAT HAPPENED? THE BUSH PEOPLE FOUND THE ONES YOU WROTE TOO "SOPHISTICATED.
" SOPHISTICATED? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? THAT'S CODE FOR "NICE TRY, BUT THIS IS A GLORIFIED PHOTO OPPORTUNITY.
" LOOK, I'M DISAPPOINTED, TOO, OK? BUT LET'S TRY AND KEEP A POSITIVE PERSPECTIVE ON ALL THIS, OK? YOU ACTUALLY GET TO INTERAC WITH THE VICE PRESIDEN OF THE UNITED STATES.
THAT'S HISTORIC.
OOH.
MAYBE IF I'M LUCKY, HE'LL TELL ME WHICH STEAKHOUSE HAS THE BEST PRIME RIB.
DON'T YOU THINK I'M P.
O.
'd, TOO? I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA HAVE AN ACTUAL POLITICAL CONVERSATION.
YOU CAN'T WIN WITH THESE PEOPLE.
YOU KNOW WHAT ALL MY PROTESTING ACCOMPLISHED IN THE SIXTIES AT BERKELEY? 16 SCARS ON MY HEAD FROM A TEAR-GAS CANISTER.
WE TRIED TO GET 'EM TO STOP THE WAR.
THEY STOPPED THE WAR WHEN THEY FELT LIKE IT.
AND NOW ALL MY COMPATRIOTS ARE GETTIN' RICH WORKING WALL STREET, AND I CAN'T GET MY KEYS OUT OF MY MOTHER'S CAR.
WHAT, THAT'S IT? YOU'RE JUST GONNA GIVE UP? COME ON.
THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO? NO, THERE'S SOMETHING WE CAN DO.
YOU CAN GO GE BROOKSIE THE JANITOR TO COME OUT HERE AND HELP ME.
SO I TOLD TODD THA REPUBLICANS AREN'TSELFISH.
IT'S JUST THAT THEY DON'T BELIEVE POOR PEOPLE SHOULD GET HANDOUTS.
I MEAN, THEY SHOULD GET JOBS.
HANDOUTS JUST MAKE THEM LAZY, DON'T YOU THINK? UH, I DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS SO.
WELL, THEY DO.
TODD NEVER UNDERSTOOD.
HE'S A DEMOCRAT.
THEY LIKE HANDOUTS.
UM, AND SPEAKING OF HANDOUTS, HA HA, UH, I GOT YOU SOMETHING.
REALLY? SAM, YOU'RE THE BEST BOYFRIEND.
WHAT'D YOU GET ME? WHAT IS IT? IT'S AN HEIRLOOM NECKLACE.
IT'S BEEN IN OUR FAMILY FOR GENERATIONS.
HOW MUCH DID IT COST? UM, I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S AN HEIRLOOM.
WELL, THANK YOU.
THAT'S VERY SWEET.
WELL, DO YOU WANT ME TO PUT IT ON YOU? NO, THAT'S OK.
YOU KNOW, IT'S METAL, SO IT'D BE COLD ON MY NECK AND EVERYTHING.
ISN'T THAT STUPID? THEY'RE AFRAID OF REAL QUESTIONS.
HE'S NOT COMING TO YOUR HIGH SCHOOL TO BE INTERROGATED BY A BUNCH OF PIMPLE-FACED TEENAGERS.
YOU HAVE TO BE POLITE TO THE MAN.
OH, SO, WHAT--IF YOU HAVE A ZIT, YOU'RE NOT ENTITLED TO AN OPINION? IS THAT IT? I JUST THINK IT'S NICE HE'S COMING.
I MEAN, I'M SURE HE'S A VERY BUSY MAN.
MOM, BUSY DOING WHAT? WAITING FOR THE PRESIDEN TO DIE SO HE CAN TAKE OVER? LINDSAY.
LOOK, THERS A MORE IMPORTANT OPPORTUNITY TO BE HAD HERE.
I WAS THINKING WHEN YOU ASK YOUR QUESTION, YOU CAN MENTION MY STORE.
DAD, THAT'S SICK.
WOULD BE SICKIF WE WENT OUT OF BUSINESS.
YOUR ONLY AFFILIATION RIGHT NOW TO ANY PARTY IS TO THE WEIR PARTY.
WE NEED HELP.
MOM, TELL HIM TO STOP, PLEASE.
NO, HONEY, THIS IS SERIOUS.
THOSE MEGA-STORES CAN OFFER DISCOUNTS YOUR FATHER CAN'T.
THIS IS NO BIG DEAL.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SAY, "HI, I'M LINDSAY WEIR.
MY FATHER OWNS A-1 SPORTING GOODS OUT ON 16 MILE," AND THEN, "WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT IN MICHIGAN?" I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE ASKING ME TO DO THAT.
OH, AND MAYBE YOU COULD WEAR ONE OF THE STORE'S NEW T-SHIRTS.
SHOW HER, HONEY.
HE HATES THESE CANS! STAY AWAY FROM THE CANS! HA HA HA HA! HA HA HA! MORE CANS! HA HA HA HA HA! ISN'T THIS GREAT? YE DO YOU WANT SOMEPOPCORN OR SOMETHING? WILL POPCORN MAKE IS NO.
I THINK IT'S STUPID.
OLD IS THIS GUY? HE'S GOT GRAY HAIR, AND HE'S RUNNING AROUND LIKE A 5-YEAR-OLD.
WHAT? [GUNFIRE.]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
M? YEAH? WHAT ARE YOU-- OW! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'M GIVING YOU SOMETHING.
OH, GOD, WHAT ARE YOU GIVING ME? I'M GIVING YOU A HICKEY, YOU GOOF.
OH, MY GOD! I'M ENDANGERING YOUR LIFE! COVER ME! NO YOU'RE COVERED! , YOU GUYS, REALLY, ROSSO'S COOL.
DID YOU EVER REALLY LOOK AT HIM? HE'S ACTUALLY KIND OF GOOD-LOOKING.
YEAH, IF YOU'RE ATTRACTED TO GUYS THAT LOOK LIKE JESUS.
SHUT UP! HEY.
HEY, WHAT'S UP? HEY, GUYS.
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN, DANIEL? NG, GUYS? OH, JEE THAT.
WHAT THE HELL, KEN?! TAKE IT EASY, MAN.
OH, MY GOD.
Lindsay: HEY, DANIEL, YOU OK? YEAH, I'M ALL RIGHT.
ARE YOU GUYS GONNA TELL US WHAT THE HELL THAT WAS ALL ABOUT? JUST FORGET IT, KIM.
DANIEL, HE JUS PUNCHED YOU IN THE FACE! GIVE IT A REST, OK? AMY.
CAN YOU JUST PLEASE LET ME EXPLAIN? HEY.
YOU OK? YEAH.
ARE YOU? YOU LOOK WEIRD.
HUH? MY BEST FRIENDS WERE PUNCHING EACH OTHER IN THE FACE TONIGHT.
CINDY AND ME WEN TO SEETHE JERK, AND SHE DIDN' LAUGH ONCE.
UH-OH.
I MEAN, SHE'S SO PRETTY.
HOW COME I DON'T LIKE HER? M, JUST 'CAUSEA GIRL'S PRETTY DOESN'T MEANNOT L.
YEAH, I KNOW.
WELL, DON' WORRY ABOUT IT.
IF IT DOESN' FEEL RIGHT, YOU CAN ALWAYS BREAK UP WITH HER.
T BR WHY NOWHY? WELL, BECAUSE THEY CAT BELIEVE THAT SHE'S GOING OUT WITH ME IN THE FIRST PLACE.
SAM, YOU CAN'T JUS IF YOU DONAND-- EC MAN, SAM.
WHAT? LET ME SEE IT.
YOU BETTER WEAR A TURTLENECK BEFORE MOM AND DAD SEE THAT.
HIGHWAYS AND DANCE HALLS A GOOD SONG TAKES YOU FAR YOU WRITE ABOUT THE MOON AND YOU DREAM ABOUT THE STARS BLUES AND OLD MOTEL ROOMS TRICIA, NICE BLOUSE.
RED, WHITE, AND BLUE LOOKS GOOD ON YOU.
GOOD MORNING, MISS.
WOW! MR.
ROSSO, YOU LOOK REALLY GOOD.
YEAH, I CLEAN UP NICE, IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF.
SO, YOU READY? YEAH, I GUESS.
ARE YOU? YEAH.
THAT WHOLE THING IN THE PARKING LOT, THAT WAS CRAZY.
THAT WAS INAPPROPRIATE.
BUT WE SHOULDN' GET SO WORKED UP ABOUT IT.
LET'S JUST HAVE FUN.
THE VICE PRESIDENT IS HERE! THIS IS EXCITING, ISN'T IT? HEY.
HEY.
SO, YOU REALLY GONNA DO IT? I'M A MEMBER OF THE WEIR PARTY.
HA HA HA HA! MY STOMACH HURTS.
YEAH, MY STOMACH WOULD HURT, TOO, IF I WAS BREAKING UP WITH THE PRETTIES GIRL IN SCHOOL.
Neal: I'M GLAD YOUR STOMACH HURTS.
KNOW WHAT THAT IS? IT'S YOUR BODY TELLING YOU YOU'RE MAKING A BIG MISTAKE.
NO, NEAL, I'M NO MAKING A MISTAKE, OK? JUST BECAUSE A GIRL'S PRETTY DOESN'T MEAN THAT SHE'S COOL.
OK, SAM, FIRST OF ALL, OF COURSE IT DOES.
AND SECONDLY, YOU'RE JUST SCARED.
I MEAN, YEARS FROM NOW YOU'RE GONNA BE SITTING IN YOUR HOUSE, LOOKING AT YOUR UNATTRACTIVE KIDS WITH YOUR UNATTRACTIVE WIFE, SAYING TO YOURSELF, "MAN, WHY DID I EVER DUMP THAT GODDESS CINDY SANDERS?" YOU KNOW WHAT? I CAN'T LISTEN TO ANY MORE OF THIS.
HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU ABOUT THE TIME THAT I MADE OU WITH VICKI APPLEBY? OH, SHUT UP.
YOU'RE SUCH A LIAR.
HEY, AMY.
WHOA, WAIT UP! IS EVERYTHING OK? NO.
I CAN' T EVEN BELIEVE I CAME TO SCHOOL TODAY.
WELL, WHAT'S GOING ON? LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW, LINDSAY.
NO, I DON'T.
YOU MEAN KEN DIDN'T TELL YOU? NOBODY'LL TELL ME ANYTHING.
DO YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME? MAYBE I COULD HELP YOU.
YOU KNOW, LINDSAY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
HEY, AMY! GOOD LUCK WITH HAIL TO THE CHIEF! THANKS.
[COUGHING AND RETCHING.]
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
HEY.
ARE YOU LINDSAY'S BROTHER? SAM.
YEAH.
DID YOU JUST PUKE? NO.
I'M NERVOUS.
BECAUSE OF GEORGE BUSH? I'M GONNA BREAK UP WITH CINDY SANDERS.
WOW.
WHY, MAN? SHE'S HOT.
YOU KNOW, SHE'S JUST REALLY DIFFERENT THAN I AM.
YEAH.
I--I KNOW HOW THAT ONE GOES.
I'VE BEEN THINKING I HAVE TO BREAK UP WITH MY GIRLFRIEND, TOO.
[MOCKING.]
OH, HOW COME? IT'S COMPLICATED.
VERY COMPLICATED.
[SIGHS.]
IT'S JUST WE DON' HAVE ANYTHING IN COMMON.
I MEAN, SHE THOUGH THE JERKWAS STUPID.
YOU SERIOUS? MAN, MY GIRLFRIEND LOVEDTHE JERK.
WELL, WE DON'T HAVE ANYTHI ANYTHING TO TALK ABOUT.
SHE DOESN'T LIKE ANYTHING THAT I LIKE.
WE NEVER HAVE ANY FUN TOGETHER.
THAT'S TOO BAD, MAN.
REALLY, MY--MY GIRLFRIEND'S PRETTY COOL WHEN IT COMES TO STUFF LIKE THAT.
GOD, THEN WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? I DON'T KNOW.
WELL, I'M GONNA BREAK UP WITH CINDY SANDERS.
GOOD LUCK, BUDDY.
THANKS.
SAM, I'VE BE LOOKING ALL OVER-- WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? WHAT? SAM, YOU'RE WEARING A TURTLENECK.
ARE YOU COVERING UP MY HICKEY? WHAT? NO! NO, I--I-- IT'S KIND OF EMBARRASSING.
COME ON, DON'T GET ALL MAD.
OH, THANKS, SAM.
SO I GUESS IF YOU GOT ME A DIAMOND RING AND I DIDN'T WEAR I BECAUSE I WAS TOO EMBARRASSED, YOU WOULDN' GET ALL MAD, EITHER? HEY, COME ON! I GOT YOU A NECKLACE, AND YOU'VE NEVER WORN IT.
IT WAS UGLY! IT WAS AN HEIRLOOM.
SAM, DO NOT START A FIGH WITH ME RIGHT NOW, OK? I HAVE TO GO IN THERE AND INTRODUCE BUSH.
CINDY WHAT? I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND ANYMORE.
I JUST WANT TO GO BACK TO BEING FRIENDS.
FRIENDS? WHY WOULD YOU JUS WANT TO BE MY FRIEND? I JUST REALLY WAN TO BE YOUR FRIEND, LIKE BEFORE.
NO.
NO? NO, SAM, YOU CAN' BREAK UP WITH ME.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE NICE.
THAT'S THE ONLY REASON WHY I'M GOING OUT WITH YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE.
HEY, I AM NICE! I'M JUST NOT HAVING ANY FUN.
ARE YOU? NO.
NO, I'M NO HAVING ANY FUN, SAM.
HAVE YOUR STUPID HEIRLOOM BACK.
UM, YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.
YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR HER.
ARE YOU GONNA EA WITH US AT LUNCH TODAY? YEAH, YEAH.
THANK GOD.
LET'S GO.
I'M SORRY.
AND I DON'T CARE, AND I'M SO SORRY.
I HAVE TO GE TO THE ASSEMBLY.
OK.
ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE JUST EA LIKE YOU'D NORMALLY EAT.
HELLO, MY NAME'S ROSSO.
IT'LL BE ON YOUR LIST.
JEFFREY THEODORE ROSSO? SIR, COU YES.
LD YOU STEP OVER HERE FOR A SECOND? SIR, ARE YOU NOW OR HAVE YOU EVER BEEN A MEMBER OF AN ORG ANIZATION CALLED THE TAFT STUDENTS ALLIANCE FOR A NEW AMERICA? I NO.
MEAN, I MIGHT BE ON THEIR MAILING LIS SOMEWHERE FROM WAY BACK, BUT I'M CERTAINLY NOT-- WELL, UNFORTUNATELY, YOU'VE BEEN RED-FLAGGED AS A SECURITY RISK.
I CAN'T ALLOW YOU TO ATTEND THE ASSEMBLY.
THERE MUST BE A MISTAKE.
I WORK HERE.
YEAH, I KNOW.
OK, NOW, I'M JUS GONNA HAVE TO ESCORT YOU TO A LITTLE HOLDING AREA THAT WE'VE ESTABLISHED OVER HERE.
OH, WAIT, THERE HE IS! MR.
ROSSO, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR GETTING LINDSAY THIS OPPORTUNITY.
Lindsay: HEY, MR.
ROSSO, WHAT'S GOING ON? WHERE ARE YOU GOING? I GUESS I ROCKED THE BOAT A LITTLE BI IN MY YOUTH.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, LINDSAY.
JUST GO IN THERE AND MAKE THE SCHOOL PROUD.
MR.
ROSSO, PLEASE.
STEP BACK.
STEP AWAY.
Jean: WOW.
SEE, I TOLD YOU THAT GUY WAS A KOOK.
SO WHAT DO YOU TEACH HERE? ACTUALLY, I'M A GUIDANCE COUNSELOR.
REALLY? SOMETIMES I HAVE TO JUST STAND IN ONE PLACE FOR 12 HOURS AND STARE AT A WALL.
YOU START TO SEE THINGS.
YOUR FEET-- THE PAIN WELL, IT'S AN IMPORTANT JOB.
YOU EVER NO, IT'S NOT.
HEARD OF THE VICE PRESIDEN GETTING ASSASSINATED? NO.
YOU KNOW WHY? IT'S NEVER HAPPENED.
WILL IT EVER HAPPEN? NO WAY.
BECAUSE WHO CARES? KNOW WHAT I MEAN? LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AS THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE STUDENT LIAISON FOR McKINLEY HIGH SCHOOL, I AM HONORED TO PRESENT TO YOU [SNIFFLES.]
THE VICE PRESIDEN OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, GEORGE BUSH.
[BAND PLAYSHAIL TO THE CHIEF.]
YEAH, HAIL TO THE CHIEF! THIS SONG ROCKS! YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES-- I MEAN, THIS SOUNDS CRAZY-- BUT SOMETIMES I THINK I JUST WANT TO RIP OFF MY VEST AND JACKE AND JUST PUT ON A T-SHIR AND GO AND, LIKE, MAKE PANCAKES SOMEWHERE OR SOMETHING.
BUT, I MEAN, THA WOULD BE CRAZY, RIGHT? HEY I'VE GOT A TES WHICH REVEALS WHAT TYPE OF JOB YOU'RE BEST SUITED FOR.
YOU WANT TO TAKE IT? THANKS, JEFF.
UH, NOW WE'RE GOING TO OPEN UP THE FLOOR SO THE VICE PRESIDEN CAN TAKE SOME QUESTIONS FROM OUR STUDENT BODY.
AND OUR FIRST QUESTION COMES FROM MS.
LINDSAY WEIR.
MS.
WEIR, GO RIGHT AHEAD.
MR.
VICE PRESIDENT, MY NAME IS LINDSAY WEIR.
MY DAD OWNS A1 SPORTING GOODS ON 16 MILE ROAD.
MY QUESTION IS WHY DID YOUR STAFF REJECT MY QUESTION? ARE YOU AFRAID OF AN OPEN DISCOURSE WITH THE STUDENTS? [MURMURING.]
FUNNY KID.
ONE OF McKINLEY'S FINEST.
"DO YOU LIKE WORKING WITH MAJOR APPLIANCES?" THAT'D BE A YES.