Friends s01e17 Episode Script

NARRATOR: Previously on Friends: - Excuse me, miss.
- It's Phoebe.
- Will that be all? CHANDLER: They're twins.
Phoebe's Phoebe.
Ursula's hot.
- It's for Ursula.
- Sure, yeah.
Okay, it fits.
Marcel, give Rossy the remote.
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH.]
How did he do this? It's this whole stupid Ursula thing.
So he's going out with her.
Is it really so terrible? - You don't know my sister.
- Talk to Joey.
- He's falling in love with her.
- You won't lose him.
They haven't even slept together yet.
That's not serious.
Oh.
Um, yeah.
May we help you? [RACHEL YELLS.]
Rachel! Rachel! I'm okay.
I'm okay.
RACHEL: Ow, ow, ow.
Ow, ow, ow.
Ow, ow, ow.
Ow, ow, ow.
Uh, hi, uh, my friend was taking down our Christmas lights and she fell off the balcony and may have broken her foot or ankle.
My God, you still have your Christmas lights up? Fill this out and bring it back.
- Okay.
Here you go.
- Ow, ow, ow.
Ow, ow, ow.
MONICA: Okay.
Whew.
All right.
Name address Okay.
In case of emergency, call? You.
Really? Yeah.
Oh, that is so sweet.
Oh, gosh.
I love you.
Okay, insurance? Oh, yeah, check it.
Definitely gonna want some of that.
You don't have insurance? Why? How much is this gonna cost? I have no idea, but X-rays alone could be a couple hundred dollars.
- What are we gonna do? - There's not much we can do.
Uh, unless I use yours.
No, no, no, no, no.
Well, now, wait a second.
Who did I just put as my "in case of emergency" person? That's insurance fraud.
Well, all right, then.
Forget it.
Might as well just go home.
- Ow, ow, ow, ow! - Okay, okay.
- Okay, come here.
I hate this.
- Thank you.
I love you.
Hi, heh.
Um, I'm gonna need a new set of these forms.
Why? [LAUGHING.]
I am really an idiot.
You see, I was filling out my friend's form and instead of putting her information I put mine.
You are an idiot.
Yep, that's me.
Heh.
I am that stupid.
I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.
- That's nice.
- That's nice.
No, no.
With him.
I'm on this field, and they hike me the baby.
I know I've gotta do something because the Tampa Bay defense is coming right at me.
Tampa Bay's got a terrible team.
Right, but it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinking they can take us.
And so I, uh, heh I just heave it downfield.
What are you, crazy? That's a baby.
He should take the sack? Anyway, suddenly I'm downfield.
And I realize that I'm the one who's supposed to catch him, right? Only I know there's no way I'm not gonna get there in time.
So I am running and I'm running and that is when I woke up.
See, I am so not ready to be a father.
Hey, you're gonna be fine.
You're one of the most caring, responsible men in North America.
You're gonna make a great dad.
Yeah, Ross.
You and the baby just need better blocking.
Oh.
Have either of you ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it expensive? Only if you order stuff.
I'm taking Ursula tonight.
It's her birthday.
- Whoa.
What about Phoebe's birthday? - When's that? ROSS: Uh tonight.
Ugh, man, what are the odds of that happening? You take your time.
There it is.
So, what are you gonna do? What can I do? I don't want to screw it up with Ursula.
And your friend Phoebe? If she's my friend, hopefully she'll understand.
Wouldn't you guys? Man, if you tried that on my birthday you'd be staring at the business end of a hissy fit.
You add a pinch of saffron, it makes all the difference.
Okay, uh - Monica? - Yes? Yes, she is.
- Hi.
This is my friend Rachel.
- Hi.
Hi, uh, Rachel, I'm Dr.
Mitchell.
And I'm his friend Dr.
Rosen.
Aren't you a little cute to be a doctor? Excuse me? God, young, young.
I meant young, heh.
Young to be a doctor.
- Oh, good, Rach.
- Thank you.
Right.
[R.
E.
M.
'S "WHAT'S THE FREQUENCY, KENNETH?" PLAYING ON STEREO.]
So he said it was just a sprain, and that was it.
Uh, you left out the stupid part.
It's not stupid.
The very cute doctors asked us out for tomorrow night, and I said yes.
I think it's totally insane.
I mean, they work for the hospital.
It's like returning to the scene of the crime.
- I say we blow off the dates.
- What? Monica, they are cute.
They are doctors.
Cute doctors.
Doctors who are cute.
All right, what have we learned so far? [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
[MUSIC STOPS.]
ALL: Surprise! What the hell are you doing? You scared the crap out of me.
- Was that the cake? - Yeah.
I got a lemon shmush.
Come on.
She'll be here any minute.
RACHEL: I hope it's okay.
"Happy Birthday, Peehee.
" Maybe we can make a B out of one of those roses.
Yeah, we'll just use our special cake tools.
- Hey, what's going on? CHANDLER: Oh, we just ALL: Surprise! Oh, oh, oh! This is so great.
Oh, my God.
This was not at all scary.
Hi, everybody.
Hi, Betty.
Betty, hi.
You found Betty.
Oh, my gosh.
This is so great.
Everybody I love is in the same room.
Where's Joey? Did you see Betty? I tell you, I wouldn't mind having a piece of this sun-dried-tomato business.
Five years ago, if somebody'd said to me, "Here's a tomato that looks like a prune" I'd have said, "Get out of my office.
" Dad, before I was born, did you freak out at all? I'm not freaking out.
I'm just saying if someone had come to me with the idea Dad, Dad, Dad.
I'm talking about the whole, uh, baby thing.
Did you, uh, ever get this sort of panicky, "Oh, my God, I'm gonna be a father" kind of a thing? No.
Your mother really did the work.
I was busy with the business.
I wasn't around that much.
Is that what this is about? No, no, Dad.
I was just wondering.
There's time to make up for that.
We can do stuff together.
You always wanted to go to colonial Williamsburg.
How about we do that? Thanks, Dad.
Really, heh.
You know, I just, I just I just needed to know, um when did you start to feel like a father? Oh.
Well, I guess it must have been the day after you were born.
We were in the hospital room, your mother was asleep and they brought you in and gave you to me.
You were this ugly little red thing.
[CHUCKLES.]
And all of a sudden, you grabbed my finger with your whole fist and you squeezed it so tight.
And that's when I knew.
So you don't want to go to Williamsburg? We can go to Williamsburg.
Eat your fish.
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH.]
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
MONICA: Rachel, the cute doctors are here.
RACHEL: Okay, coming.
Hi, come on in.
Hey, Michael, Jeffrey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Uh, here, we brought wine.
Look at this.
It's from the cellars of Ernest and Tova Borgnine.
- So how could we resist? - Oh, that's great.
- So, Monica, how's the ankle? - It's, uh [RACHEL CLEARS THROAT.]
Why don't you tell them? After all, it is your ankle.
You know, it's feeling a lot better.
Thank you.
Listen, why don't you guys sit down, and we'll get you some glasses.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Um - Stat.
Okay, listen, I'm thinking, why don't we just tell them who we really are? - I mean, I think it'll be fine.
- It will not.
We'll get in trouble.
Monica, would you stop being such a wuss? A wuss? Excuse me for living in the real world.
- So? - So they still seem normal.
That's because they are.
You have to admit, when we go out with women we meet at the hospital Would you relax? Take a look around.
There are no pagan altars.
No piles of bones in the corners.
They're fine.
Go like this: I said we are not going to do it, okay? Sometimes you can be such a big baby.
- I am not a baby.
- Be serious.
- You get uptight - You act like a princess.
- You know what? You know what? - What? What? Every day you are becoming more and more like your mother.
Excuse me.
Hello, here we go.
This is a great place.
How long have you lived here? Thanks.
I've been here about six years.
And Rachel moved in a few months ago.
See, I was supposed to get married but, um, I left the guy at the altar.
- Really? - Yeah.
Yeah, I know it's pretty selfish, but, heh hey, that's me.
- Why don't you try the hummus? RACHEL: Ahem.
So, Monica, what do you do? Uh, I am a, uh, chef at a restaurant uptown.
- Oh, good for you.
- Yeah, it is.
Mostly because I get to boss people around, which I just love to do.
Well, this hummus is great.
God bless the chickpea.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, God.
I am so spoiled.
That's it.
And by the way, have I mentioned that back in high school I was a cow? I used to wet my bed.
I use my breasts to get other people's attention.
We both do that.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Monica and Rachel's apartment.
Uh Uh, yeah, just one second.
Uh, Rachel, it's your dad.
Hi, Dad.
No, no.
It's me.
Listen, Dad, I can't talk right now.
Um But there's something, um There's something that I've been meaning to tell you.
Excuse me.
Remember back in freshman year? Well, Billy Dreskin and I had sex on your bed.
Daddy Daddy Daddy, why? Why would I sleep with Billy Dreskin? His father tried to put you out of business.
You are dead.
Ross, he's got the remote again.
Good.
Maybe he can switch it back.
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH.]
Maybe not.
Hello? Uh, ueah Uh Okay, uh, hold on a second and let me just check and see if she's here.
It's the woman from the hospital.
There's a problem with the form.
Oh, God, what do we do? I don't know.
Just find out what they want.
Okay.
No, you do it.
Hello.
This is Monica.
Yeah? Oh.
Okay.
Yes, we'll be right down.
Thank you.
We forgot to sign one of the admissions forms.
- Okay, you're right, this wasn't worth it.
- Thank you.
- Okay, let me just change.
- Yes.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Trouble? Your sister stood me up the other night.
Oh, no.
Don't you hate it when people aren't there for you? - Did you try calling her? - I've been trying for two days.
When I called the restaurant, they said she was too busy to talk.
I can't believe she's blowing me off.
Hey.
Oh.
Um, you got a minute? Um, yeah, I'm just working.
- So - Uh-huh? Um, oh, I got you a birthday present.
Oh, wow, you remembered.
Oh.
It's a Judy Jetson Thermos.
Right.
Like the kind you Right.
Oh, I got something for you too.
How'd you know I was coming? Um, yeah, um, "twin" thing.
I can't believe you did this.
I can't believe you did this.
So, what's the deal with, um, you and Joey? Oh, right.
He is so great.
But that's over.
- Does he know? - Who? Joey.
You know, um, ahem, he's really nutsy about you.
He is? Why? - You got me.
- Right.
Excuse me doesn't this come with a side salad? So, um, are you gonna call him? - What, you think he likes me? - No.
Joey.
Oh.
No, no.
He is so smart.
He'll figure it out.
Do you want some chicken? No, no.
No food with a face, remember? You have not changed.
Yeah, you too.
- Hi.
Remember us? - Mm-hm.
Um, yeah, you just called about needing a signature on the admissions form? Well, it turns out we need a whole new one.
Because, um, you see I put the wrong name again.
- Because, um - You're that stupid.
I am.
I'm that stupid.
Yeah, and I'm just gonna pay for this with a check.
You know, your insurance will cover that.
Yeah, I know.
I'm just not that bright either.
Okay, worst case scenario: - Say you never feel like a father.
- Uh-huh.
Say your son never feels connected to you as one.
Say all of his relationships are affected by this.
Do you have a point? You know, you'd think I would.
[MARCEL GASPING.]
What's up with the simian? It's just a fur ball.
Okay, whose turn is it? Yours.
I just got 43 points for "kidney.
" No, you got zero points for "idney.
" I had a K.
Where's my K? [GASPING.]
You've got to help me.
My monkey swallowed a K.
Get that animal out of here.
The animal hospital is way across town.
He's choking.
I don't know what to do.
- What's going on? - Marcel swallowed a Scrabble tile.
Excuse me.
This hospital is for people.
Lady, he is people.
He has a name, okay? He watches Jeopardy he touches himself when nobody's watching.
Please, have a heart.
- I'll take a look at him.
- Oh, thank you.
- Michael.
- Rachel.
- What? - Monica.
- Oh.
- Hi.
Hey.
Urs.
What are you doing here? I've been trying to call you.
Listen, um Don't say "listen.
" I know that "listen.
" I've said that "listen.
" I'm sorry.
I don't get it.
What happened? What about everything you said under the bridge? Yeah, um, ahem You know, just forget about what I said under the bridge.
I was talking crazy that night.
I was so drunk.
You don't drink.
That's right, I don't.
But I was drunk on you.
- Oh, Urs.
- But, yeah, so it's not gonna work.
Why? Is it because I'm friends with Phoebe? If it was, would you stop hanging out with her? No.
No, I couldn't do that.
Um, then, yeah, it's because of Phoebe.
So you know, it's either her or me.
Then, uh Then I'm sorry.
You know you're gonna be really, really hard to get over.
I know.
I don't know whether it's just because we're breaking up or what but you have never looked so beautiful.
Really? - Pheebs? - Yeah.
He looks so tiny.
- We just got the message.
- Is he all right? Yeah, the doctor got the K out.
He also found an M and an O.
We think he was trying to spell out "monkey.
" The doctor says he'll be fine.
He's just sleeping now.
So you feel like a dad yet? No.
Why? Hey, come on, you came through.
You did what you had to do.
That is very dad.
Oh, look, he's waking up.
ROSS: Hey, fella.
How you doing? [DUBBED IN SPANISH.]
ALL: Ooh.