Gary Unmarried (2008) s01e17 Episode Script

Look, your father is going to hang those in your rooms, and I don't wanna hear another word about it.
Gary, would you please tell them they're gonna use these activity boards I bought? Use your activity boards that she bought.
Yeah, but, Dad, tell her I'm too old for this.
Tom's too old for that.
Gary, can you turn off the television for two seconds and show a little interest in your children's lives? Tell your mother I'll show interest in your lives - as soon as there's a commercial.
- What? You're watching a commercial.
Hey, when Billy Mays yells, I listen.
Gary.
Gary, I need you to hang these boards.
They're a great motivator and they'll help keep the kids organized.
Why do they need these boards here? Don't they have them at your house? That's the point.
It's all part of my household continuity project.
Does that fall under the umbrella of your Ruin Gary's Life Initiative? No, I already finished that.
I came in ahead of schedule - and under budget, thank you.
- Ooh.
Yeah.
I know, I know.
No, Gary, I read a book on this, okay? Continuity between homes makes transitions less jarring for children of divorce.
- Do you guys feel jarred? - No.
Any other imaginary emotions you wanna pin on me? Guys, why don't you just go put those in your rooms, okay? How am I supposed to play you two against each other if both my houses are equally lame? Dad, Miss Plummer said that she's going out with you again tomorrow night.
Miss Plummer said that in front of the class? No, she told me in private.
Dad, please don't mess this up.
I have her for one more year.
I don't wanna get a bad grade just because I have your eyes.
Gary, I'm gonna need a key, 'cause I'm gonna be coming and going a lot.
- What? - What? Well, since I broke up with Walter, I finally have the time to make this place work better for the kids.
No, no, no, no.
You cannot have a key.
See, when I moved out of the house, I was kind of under the impression I wouldn't have to see you as much.
That's how the judge sold me on the whole divorce thing, Allison.
Okay, look, Gary, I wouldn't have to do any of this at all if you and the house weren't a constant work-in-progress.
I mean, seriously, when was the last time you did anything to fix this place up? You're right, Allison.
But, you know, I was gonna surprise you with this, but since we're talking about it, I'll show you.
I did something to spruce the house up.
Oh.
- But it's outside.
Let me show you.
- Okay.
Just go to the That's much better.
Oh, I don't know, Gary.
I've got to get up pretty early in the morning.
Oh.
I sure had a good time, Miss Plummer.
Well, Gary, you've got to stop calling me Miss Plummer.
- You're not one of my students.
- I can't help it.
Like the incomparable David Lee Roth says, "I guess I'm just hot for teacher.
" - I'll stay for one drink.
- Atta girl.
That's the spirit.
And, you know, I don't know if you know this or not, but this is our fourth date, and I think there's some kind of law that something's supposed to happen after our third date.
- Uh, I'm pretty sure that's not a law.
- I'm pretty sure it is a law.
You know, and I've gotten out of jury duty seven times.
I know a lot about the law.
So I get the feeling you like me.
I wouldn't have sat through a two-hour one-woman show - if I didn't like you.
- Oh, come on, you've gotta admit Shirley MacLaine has had a fascinating life.
Yeah, it was fascinating.
I just wish her one-woman show was performed by a bunch of guys throwing a football.
- Well, you were a very good sport.
- Oh, I was, wasn't I? Hey, Gare.
Hey, Joan.
- Allison, I We just were - Hey, hey.
Don't worry about it.
I've seen Gary attempt to kiss other people before.
- What are you doing here? - What? I told you about this.
I found bookcases for Louise's room that are exactly like the ones at my house, so I'm just putting them together.
- Go! Come on.
Get out of here.
- What? Well, I just As soon as I get my carrot muffins out of the oven.
Oh, and, Gary, the kids can have as many of these as they want because they're made with oat flour and flax seed, and they're sweetened with applesauce.
That's That's not a bad idea, you know that? And I like what you're saying about the flax seeds, so you're really speaking my language on that one.
- Yeah, I think I should probably go.
- No, no, hey, hey.
I don't want you to go.
I want her to go.
She's over here all the time ever since she broke up with Krandall.
Yeah, but, Gary, she's obviously trying to keep busy because of the break-up.
She really needs your support right now.
I'll support her tomorrow.
I mean, we already supported Shirley MacLaine.
How many crotchety old bags do we have to prop up in one day? Besides, I don't know if you know this, but you were just three minutes away from two minutes of ecstasy.
Sometimes the anticipation of the event is more exciting than the event itself.
Oh.
So my reputation as a love-maker precedes me.
Hey, Gary, you got to taste these muffins.
Hey! The rest of your coffees will be right up, Mr.
Brooks.
Thanks, Lindsay.
You remember Lindsay? She babysat Tom and Louise.
Here we go.
Eight quadruple-shot mochas.
Good luck on your murder spree.
It's It's for my paint crew.
We're painting a second story today.
After this, they won't need ladders.
Can't we just go back to our regular coffee place? This place creeps me out.
Look, they have pitchers of cream.
Call me old-fashioned, but cream should be powder.
Well, Joan took me to this place on one of our first dates.
She says that coffee tastes better if you enjoy it in a place that's classy.
Hey, I'm classy, too.
Excuse me, other people are waiting, here.
Yeah, but they're keeping it to themselves.
Burn.
Yeah, I know how fascinating stirring is to you painters, but, yeah, could you finish it at the job site, please? Wow, that's amazing.
You guessed it.
Did you, as a child, dream of becoming a coffee-shop job-guesser? Double burn.
That guy makes me miss Krandall.
At least Krandall kept Allison out of my hair.
Hey, maybe you should find Allison another guy.
You know anybody you could set her up with? That's impossible.
Any guy worthy of Allison is already in prison or hell.
Smoke alarm! Fire! Fire! Oh, my gosh! Tom! Louise! Wake up! There's a fire! Fire! Fire! Allison, get down from there! There's a fire! Gary, Gary.
Gary, that was just me.
I'm changing all the batteries in your smoke alarms.
- What time is it? - Well, it's 6:30.
Congratulations, Allison.
This is the earliest I've ever been pissed at you.
Gary, I'm sorry, but I have a spin class at seven.
- It was the only time I had.
- How do you get in here? What, do I need to put steel wool around the drainpipes? That's a good idea.
I forgot all about that.
When are you gonna be done? Well, as soon as we get your life in order, so no time soon.
Are you absolutely sure this is the best way to get Allison a date? - Yeah.
It's how I sold my waterbed.
- Hmm.
That was a really tiny lesbian.
Mr.
Brooks, you can't put this in the window.
We have a pretty strict policy against human trafficking.
Look, Lindsay, we're all against human trafficking, but that's Allison.
There's probably a gray area here somewhere, right? All right.
This is great.
I'll never get rid of Allison now.
Why don't you just go over to Miss Plummer's? - Can't.
She has cats.
- What's wrong with cats? I can't get naked in front of cats.
They bat things that dangle.
Looks like you're stuck in there forever, unless you wanna push.
Well done.
I would have figured it out without you, you know.
Well, I'm sorry I took that away from you.
I know how much you people enjoy your little victories.
- That guy's just like Krandall.
- Hey.
He's just like Krandall! - That's what I just said.
- No, you could set him up with Allison.
You're right.
But I can't talk to that guy.
He's mean, he hates me, and he's spooky.
It's just like Allison.
- Why don't you go talk to him, man? - You're right.
- What are you reading? - Archeology Today.
Oh, wow.
Well, that's kind of weird.
Today.
Archeology's about old stuff, but it's today.
Right? Yes, I suppose it is a bit of an oxymoron.
You don't have to call me names.
Look, I think you and I got off on the wrong foot, and I'd like to maybe start over.
Let me ask you a question.
Are you Are you single? We're still on the wrong foot.
- Goodbye.
- No, not for me, for my ex-wife.
See, she's single, and I think you guys would really hit it off.
You guys would be perfect together.
Seriously.
Look, I'm flattered, and more than a little frightened, but I'm not gonna go out with some woman who Good God, she's stunning.
I just think you guys would really hit it off.
You have so much in common.
You're smart, she's smart.
You're an archeologist, she's bony.
- You know what? I'd love to meet her.
- Great.
You won't be sorry.
Initially.
Are you You're sure we have enough in common? Here's your coffee.
Anything else? Yes, I'd like a carrot muffin, and Wait, now, can you tell me, is that made with oat flour and flax seed? I hear wedding bells.
- Hi.
- Oh, my gosh.
I totally forgot we had a date.
I'm sorry.
- We don't.
- Oh.
All right, good.
I say that all the time anyway, to be safe.
Come on in.
So what's going on? Well, I just ran into a friend who gave me two tickets to see Don Giovanni! Ah, that's cool.
Who's he fighting? No, it's an opera.
And I got box seats.
That's terrific.
You wanna meet up afterwards? Come on, Gary.
It'll be fun.
We can get all dressed up and stop for a glass of wine on the way, - and then go see a great opera.
- All right.
Is it the opera that Kill the Wabbit is based on? You're thinking of Flight of the Valkyries.
I promise you, I'm not.
Oh, so will you go? Yeah, I think I'll go.
Besides, you know, afterwards, we can come back here, and that third-date rule that's been dogging us, we could probably figure out the answer to that, 'cause I don't think Allison's gonna be here.
Why, because you killed her? No, no, I I think I found a guy for Allison.
He's great.
He's smart.
He's an intellectual.
I mean, he corrected my grammar several times.
Did you know that ravel means the same as unravel? - Yes.
- You don't have to say the "un" at all.
I've wasted so much time.
Well, I wish you would've told me that you were looking to set Allison up with someone.
I know the perfect guy.
No, no, no, no.
Here, sit.
This is the perfect guy.
I took his picture.
That's him right there.
His name is Edward.
Huh.
What do you mean, "huh"? You don't seem thused.
Gary, you can't do that with every word.
No? Look.
Listen, there's this dad at school who I think would be much better for Allison.
Do you know Andy Russell? Yeah.
The guy that runs the Spring Carnival? If you really wanna set Allison up with someone, I think you want Andy.
Hmm.
What the hell is this, huh? Yeah.
- I found it tacked to a telephone pole! - What? Five of the tabs are missing! Well, actually, don't get ahead of yourself.
- Only three are missing.
- What? I had to pull two to get the ball rolling, so you didn't look desperate.
Allison, wait.
You said yourself, you have too much time on your hands since you broke up with Krandall, and I've noticed, you're taking it all out on me.
So what? You decided just to post my picture around the city? What, are you nuts? I already got a call about a bachelor party.
Yeah.
Well, if you have the kids that night, I'll take them.
- Gary! - All right.
Look, I'm just trying to help out.
In fact, I think I found the perfect guy for you at the coffee shop.
Oh, well, but, if he isn't, I know somebody who might be.
Okay, look, Joan, I'm sure your intentions are good, and, Gary, I would ask what you're thinking, but that implies that you can, so - Allison, give me a break.
- What? It's just, I think you're kind of in a rut.
I'm sorry.
I'm not in a rut, Gary.
If I wanna meet a guy, all I have to do is put on my red dress, blow out my hair, and shake my cookies.
My God, Gary.
How dare you assume that just because I've been spending days and days here laying shelf liner and hanging shoe trees and making cubbies for the kids' schoolwork that somehow I am unfulfilled? All right.
Send your top two picks to the coffee shop tomorrow, okay? No druggies, no fatties.
- Is that your phone? - Yeah.
It's okay, I'm a doctor.
- Yes, nurse, what is it? - It's Lindsay.
Lindsay, why are you calling me? I'm so busy right now.
Because you promised you'd pay me 20 bucks to call you and tell you how Allison's dates are going.
Why are you whispering? I'm at the opera.
Are you painting it? No, I'm not painting it.
Excuse me.
All right, so what's going on over there? Her date's going really well.
She's been sitting with this guy for a long time.
Is it the "carrot muffin" guy? No, no.
Muffin Man was shot down really quickly.
She's with more of a jelly-filled donut kind of guy.
Really? Yeah.
They've been sitting here for two hours.
They're talking, they're laughing.
Thanks, Lindsay.
- Good news.
Allison found her man.
- It's Andy, isn't it? Yeah.
How did you know she'd pick him? Well, your guy was too perfect.
Women don't want someone who's all finished.
They want a fixer-upper.
That's ridiculous.
Who would want a fixer-upper when you could have Edward, a guy who's in move-in condition? Because it's no fun.
They want a guy who they can fix up exactly the way they want them.
Fix their hair, fix their clothes, you know, introduce them to new stuff.
New stuff like coffee shops, one-woman shows, and the opera? - What? - Oh, my God! I'm your fixer-upper! Oh, now I'm in trouble.
Thank you.
It's over.
No, Gary, it's just intermission.
And you are not my fixer-upper.
Sure, I am.
I can totally see it.
Don't you see? I mean, for 15 years, I was with a woman that all she wanted to do was change me.
How I acted, how I behaved, what I wore, the way I looked.
She was at my house this morning, trying to fix the way I live.
I can't do that again.
I'm sorry.
I have to be me.
Yeah, but did it ever occur to you that I was just trying to show you some of the things that I'm interested in so that you could learn a little bit about me? Sure, that's how it starts, but next thing you know, I'm taking, like, ballroom-dancing classes, I'm learning another language, I'm buying cheese from a store that only sells cheese.
Where does it end? At the opera! So then why did you even say that you would come with me? Because I thought it would lead to sex.
You only came to the opera to get sex? That's the only reason any guy comes to the opera.
What, you think these guys really wanna be here? That guy wants to be at the opera? No.
You think that guy wants to be at the opera? No.
All right, these two guys, they wanna be at the opera.
I think we should just go.
Something's telling me you're not dying to see how the story ends.
It's in French.
I don't even know how it begins! - It's Italian! - Oh, 'cause I speak Italian, right? So that went well.
- Just get my bag so I can go home.
- Sorry.
Why'd you leave your bag at my house? Because I thought I was going to be spending the night.
Tonight was the night you were gonna sleep over and I totally blew it? Oh, my gosh.
You know, you look very pretty tonight.
- Get my bag.
- Right.
Sorry, sorry.
Here you go.
Look, let's be honest.
I sat through half of the opera.
That's I get nothing? There.
We're even.
Thanks.
- Hey, Gare.
- Oh, why wouldn't you be here? I've been drinking coffee for the past two hours.
I'm completely wired, so I thought I'd come over and finish up a couple things I started.
What happened to your date with Andy? Yeah, well, that's over.
What do you mean, it's over? I thought you guys were really hitting it off.
Yeah, we were, we were, we were.
We were talking, we were connecting, you know, we were making plans for tomorrow.
I suggested maybe we have lunch, you know, get some coffee, get some new clothes, maybe get a haircut for him, you know.
I don't know.
Contact lenses, look for a better condo.
And then he gets up, he goes to the bathroom, I never see him again.
I just don't get that.
You don't get it? You don't get it? You just met the guy, and already you wanna change him? What is it with you people? It's like an addiction.
Look, I don't wanna change him.
You know, I want him just to be the best damn Andy he could be.
Why do women always wanna change guys and fix them up and make them like new things? You know where I just was all night? I was at the opera! Joan took me to the opera! - What, were you painting it? - No! I wasn't painting it.
I wish I was painting it.
I had to sit through it.
So what, Gary? So what if she was trying to help you learn and grow? You wanna know what's wrong with that? - Yeah.
- It's annoying, that's why.
Look, you know what? I'll tell you what's annoying, Gary, is when a guy has potential and he won't let me work with it.
Okay, you know what? I, for one, don't wanna be worked on! Gary, you are never gonna get into a lasting relationship if you're afraid to open yourself up to new things.
What about you, Allison? You're never gonna hang on to a guy if you keep nagging him to change stuff that he doesn't wanna change.
Oh, my God.
Gary, what if What if we both keep chasing people off? You know, eventually, we're gonna be the only two left.
We're gonna get back together, aren't we? - Okay, you know what? - Oh, my God.
Don't say that.
That's terrible.
Oh, my God.
Okay, you know what? Either Either I've had too much coffee, or the thought of that's just giving me a heart attack.
- Just calm down.
- Oh, my God.
Allison, next time you go out with a guy, - just don't try to change him, okay? - Okay.
Yeah.
Okay, I will.
Unless Unless, of course, there's something glaring, - like a gold chain or something.
- Allison! Okay, you're right, you're right, you're right.
All right, all right, I'll just I will let them be who they are.
Okay.
And Gary, you know what? You can't be afraid to open yourself up to new things, you know? - Okay.
- You're right.
- All right.
- You know what, Allison? Both of us have to start cutting other people a lot more slack.
Wow.
That might be the most grown-up thing I think you've ever said.
Thank you.
Joan was here and I'm still a little revved up.
You wanna do it? Oh, forget it.
I don't have two minutes anyway.
That's fine.
See you.
- Miss Plummer? - Yes? I wanted to talk to you about the incomplete I got last night.
All grades are final.
Look, I know I was a jerk, - and I was pompous and obnoxious.
- Yes, you were.
And I don't deserve a second chance, - right? - No, you don't.
But if you do give me a second chance, I would love to take you to see Don Giovanni.
I wanna know if Don Giovanni is able to lure Zerlina away from her fiancé, Masetto.
Oh, yeah, I can google.
Well, aren't you afraid that I might try and fix you up the way I want you? Let's face it, I'm a tear-down.
Just Any repairs you wanna make is fine with me.
- Have you been to the ballet? - Oh, come on.