Hotel Transylvania: The Series (2017) s01e17 Episode Script

1 [THUNDER BOOMING.]
[MUSIC.]
[GHOSTLY VOCALIZING.]
[BAND PLAYING.]
[RAP BEAT PLAYING.]
[HARD ROCK PLAYING.]
[SCREAMING.]
[BATS SCREECHING.]
[BATS SQUEAKING.]
[MUSIC.]
[AUNT LYDIA LAUGHING.]
Ah! Oh, look, someone forgot to take out the trash.
- Hey! - Klaus, you're incorrigible.
[CHUCKLING.]
Ha-ha! Yeah, sweet burn.
Bye now! - [NERVOUS CHUCKLE.]
"Trash.
" - Wait a Aunt Lydia's casket.
I'm gonna polish that thing till it gleams.
- [GHOST WAILING.]
Rag! - Rag Whoa! Door: guarded.
Surprise: maintained.
She is gonna love this.
It'll make up for all my goof-ups lately.
Oh! [CRASHING.]
[AUNT LYDIA SCREAMING.]
[GASPS.]
[SCREAMS.]
[SCREAMING.]
[SCREAMS.]
And show her how responsible I'm becoming.
I can't lose.
Hey, what's with this weird old horn box? It's a music player from like 200 years ago.
It's the most modern thing she owns.
See? [MUSIC PLAYING.]
It's a long way to Transylvania [SCRATCHING RECORD.]
[LAUGHS.]
Nice! Yeah, keep doing it! [SCRATCHING RECORD.]
[BEATBOXING.]
Aunt Lydia, she's so cold Listens to music a thousand years old I don't know why she don't bury them beats Throw 'em away like bell bottoms or pleats - Kick it! - KLAUS: Mavis! [NEEDLE BREAKS.]
Ahh! [BOTH SCREAM.]
Phew, it's only you! Also, ew.
What do you want? - I-I need your help.
- Ha! As if.
- Fine.
- Oh! Then, I'll tell Aunt Lydia you broke the needle on her gramophone.
It'll be the end of the Dark Mavis Years, and the start of a new glorious era: The Age of Klaus! [THUNDER RUMBLING.]
- Or I could just get a new needle.
- Oh, they're very rare.
But I know where to get one! Or don't help me.
I'm curious to see your punishment.
[LAUGHING.]
Maybe skimming Dr.
Gillman's pond? Ew, ugh! Ah! [SIGHING.]
Fine! I only came in here to help Lydia, so I guess it all works out in the end.
What's your problem? Besides your wardrobe choices and personality? [GIGGLING.]
Get out! [MAVIS GIGGLING.]
Wow, ashamed much? How bad is it? I don't know how to become a bat.
Seriously? [SUPPRESSING LAUGHTER.]
[UPROARIOUS LAUGHING.]
[LAUGHING CONTINUES.]
[SIGHING.]
Oh, that was fun.
Especially when it snowed in the hotel! But why are you asking me? [SIGHING.]
My parents tried to teach me but it never took.
[MUSIC.]
I faked my way through it.
I've made excuses for decades, and everyone's suspicious.
Please! Never thought I'd say this: I feel for you, Klaus.
Every vamp should be able to bat out.
- I'll help.
- [GASPING.]
Wonderful! For your sake, I hope you can do it before bedtime.
Bedtime? Why? Every night as Aunt Lydia tucks her old bones into her casket she plays her favorite record, using her [GULPING.]
Gramophone.
Holy rabies! Hey! - Whoa! - PEDRO: Rude! Klaus is going to ruin my life unless I teach him how to bat out, 'cause he has no clue how to do it! [LAUGHING BOISTEROUSLY.]
I know, it's hilarious, but there's no time to waste! [LAUGHING.]
- Oh.
- I need you guys to cover for me.
If I can't teach Klaus by bedtime, Aunt Lydia'll try to listen to her favorite song on the horn box and find out I broke it! - Don't worry, we got this.
- Good.
If I fail, I'm going to end up neck deep in pond scum! That's not so bad! The trick is getting the temperature just right.
It's easy.
All you have to do is think like a bat.
But how am I supposed to do that from up here? Same way my dad taught me.
You can do it, Mavy Wavy.
Watch me! [GASPING.]
Daddy, you're like a superhero! Now, you try.
[SCREAMING.]
Woo-hoo, I'm a superhero! Better! You're a Dracula! Just let go and let bat, like this! - Show off.
- You can do it.
Just trust your instinct! [TAKING DEEP BREATH.]
Ahhhhh! [CRASHING.]
Not quite, but sweet landing.
This should help you feel like a bat, and reveal the bat within.
- Did Count Dracula do this with you? - Yeah, not so much.
I'd already figured it out by now.
All right, Klaus.
Flap your arms! Squeak like a bat! Uh, squeak, squeaky squeak! Okay, flap, squeak, and use echolocation! Squeak, squeak! Echolocation! Echolocation! [SQUEAKING.]
Ha-ha! It's working! It's working! Ahhhh! Um, y'know, being a bat isn't that important.
Mavis, if I'm discovered like this they'll send me to the Vampitorium! It's not so bad, really.
As long as you like diet soda.
[BOTH SHUDDERING.]
- AUNT LYDIA: [YAWNING.]
I'm off to my casket.
- Already? Oh! Okay! Well, uh, scary dreams! Tell the gang she's coming! I hope they're ready for her.
- She's here! - Ahhh! What do we do? I have a perfect plan.
We memorize the record she listens to, hide in the closet, and perform it exactly without her ever finding out! - I love it! - It's so easy! [SINGING NOTES.]
[CLEARING THROAT.]
Me-me-me-me-meeeee Bro, you sound good.
After we fake a record, we gotta make a record.
- Down low! - Yeah! Uh, what's she going to do with that? [ALL GASPING.]
Please, Uncle Gene! He's stuck this way and we're running out of time! The only way to shake off half-bat-ism is to push it to the extreme! Force your body to choose.
Take a flying leap off a tall castle or something.
Thanks, Uncle Gene! But I wouldn't do that if I were you! No way that ends well.
- How often do his ideas work? - I want to say never? We have no choice.
I can't stay like this! I need to bat out.
And I need that needle or Aunt Lydia will end me.
Or at least the part of me that feels joy.
She is impressive.
But more than that, I actually sort of want to help you.
[GIGGLING.]
- Stop that! - Sorry, your ears are just so cute.
I'll jump with you, hand in hand, and wait for you to bat out, unless we're about to pancake out.
- Mavis, you are not entirely awful.
- [GASPING.]
Oh, gee, thanks.
Can't believe the only reason I'm in this mess is because I tried to do something nice.
I hope you learned your lesson.
In three, two, one Jump! [KLAUS SHRIEKING.]
- Do it, bat out! - I can't! I think I actually feel guilty! Gross.
- Huh? - Mavis, I don't have a needle! - I barely know what one is! - You played me? Just bat out already! Quick! Now! [KLAUS SHOUTING.]
[HEAVY THUD.]
Klaus? Klaus! Klaus? [KLAUS GIGGLING.]
- The Age of Klaus begins.
Yes, congrats! Now I'm going to end you! [KLAUS SCREAMING.]
MAVIS: Get over here! Why are you such a jerk? And how'd you get so good at flying already? [KLAUS LAUGHING.]
The student eats the grasshopper! Or something.
[YAWNING.]
When she turns on the horn box, start singing.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, did we forget to learn the song? Oh man, that! MAVIS: Hey! [KLAUS LAUGHING.]
Come back here! Ahhh! The needle, it's broken off! What have you done?! Yeah, Klaus, what have you done? [LAUGHING.]
What a coincidence! Uh, we heard Klaus did something awful - so we came to see! - Yeah! Way to go, Klaus-ssssh! Everyone, out! Except for Klaus.
You have a very specific job now! - # It's a long way to Transylvania # - KLAUS: No! It's weird.
I'm still mad at Klaus for playing me, but I feel kinda sorry for him too.
[SHUDDERING.]
Yep.
Worst payback ever.
And the neatest vamp I know You keep your wing right there all night.
If the music stops, I'll know, and tomorrow, you can skim Dr.
Gillman's office pond.
How do I turn back into me? [BATS SQUEAKING.]
Hey! Whoo! Hee-hee! Hi, Mavis! [PHONE SHRIEKING.]
Dr.
Gillman's office, Mavis speaking.
Please hold.
"Please hold.
" How fancy! I've taken over managing Dr.
G's office in an effort to make things more efficient.
Case in point, I've re-arranged the bones in the anatomy skeleton in alphabetical order.
[CLATTERING.]
Yes.
Thanks for that.
So efficient! Your dad's gonna be impressed to the Drax.
That's the idea.
- Windy Bleb! - Oh, that's me! Sort of.
- Now, say "Ahhhh!" - Ahhhh! A-ha! Sucker.
I didn't say "Dr.
Gillman says.
" MAVIS: [ON INTERCOM.]
Dr.
G? Your next patients are here.
- Uh, well the rest are still here.
- Roger that! Who's Roger? Now, to inflate your e-goo.
I'll be right back! Um, Dr.
Gillman? I think I might be over-inflating? [EXPLOSION.]
- Wendy? - WENDY: Over here.
And here.
- And here? - I-I know how this looks.
But it's actually much, much more serious.
WOMAN: Knock-knock! I'm Polly Hemus, from the Monster Medical Board.
I'm kind of with a patient right now! All back together! I wasn't actually due for another two years, but then someone insisted I come today.
That'd be me! See how well I can run your office? But they were on my "Do not call" list.
Yep! That's why I sent a carrier bat.
You are wise beyond your years.
Anyway, how can we help you? Every 500 years we re-test monster doctors, to make sure they know their cloven hooves from their hind claws.
I'm here for a Dr.
Gillman? Of course, he's right over here? Or at least he was.
- Where'd he go? - Eh, it can wait.
I'm exhausted.
But when you do find Dr.
Gillman, tell him testing begins tomorrow at sunset.
Pass and we're all good.
But fail and he'll be stripped of his credentials, tossed from the hotel, and be left with nothing but a sticker with an unhappy face.
[GASPING DRAMATICALLY.]
Well, ta for now.
- Is she gone? - Uh, yeah.
What's with the hiding? [GASPS.]
Are you in love? How romantic.
Their eyes, well, eye, met across the medical waste pond of the doctor's office.
- This is medical waste? - C'mon, Dr.
G.
No reason to be worried.
No one likes taking tests, but at least this is one you'll totally ace, right? Right? So is that a no on the love match, or [SLURPING.]
HANK: Man, Dr.
Gillman sure looks sad.
PEDRO: Yeah, I know, dude can't even feed himself.
I wonder why? Is it possible he's nervous about the test? - Maybe we should give him a pep talk.
- Alright! Hey, what's up, doc? I'm not a real doctor! I'll never pass that test! [GASPING.]
But you've been the hotel doctor since forever.
- How could this be? - Well Say "tracheotomy.
" DR.
GILLMAN: There I was, just minding my own business, photo-bombing a group of medical school grads, and blammo! They handed me a stethoscope and said I was good to go.
I've just been winging it all these years.
But if I'm not the hotel doctor anymore, I'll be kicked to the curb with nothing.
Nothing! [SOBBING.]
Not true.
You'll get a sticker! [DR.
GILLMAN GROANING.]
Thanks to all my office improvements, I kind of feel like in a way this is sort of my fault? [SLAPPING.]
Ow! Okay, fine, it's a lot my fault.
Ow.
But if being over-efficient got us into this mess, maybe it'll get us out of it too.
To the medical library! We have a medical library? [SKULL CACKLING.]
The Mummies Guide to Medicine, Eyeball Soup for the Undead Soul, Eat Praying Mantises Ouch! Ooh, tentacle burn! Ow, ow, oh! Ow, ow, ow, ow! - I can help with that.
- No! Uh, heh, I mean, no thanks.
- I'll wait for a real, um - You were going to say "doctor".
What? No, I wasn't.
I was going to say real emergency! Yeah, like if my arm is going to fall off.
Yeah, like that's such an emergency.
Anyway, by tomorrow you will be a doctor again.
For reals this time.
We've got one day to teach you everything in these books! [CACKLING.]
[MUSIC.]
[INAUDIBLE.]
[GASPS.]
So? Are you ready? Uh, not really, no.
All this one did was whisper "medicine tastes terrible" over and over.
- But that's all I know! - It's test o'clops! [LAUGHING.]
Shall we? [SIGHING.]
Listen, you can do this.
You've been faking being a doctor your whole life.
Just keep being you.
Hey, you're right.
I can do this in my sleep.
In fact, I have many, many times.
Just be me.
Shall we? First up is bedside manner.
Your breath stinks like roses.
Your hairdo went out of style centuries ago.
Oh, and you have five years to live.
Wait, no, read that wrong.
Five days.
So, still enough time to fix that hair.
[SOBBING.]
Too much? Okay, how 'bout we try baby delivery.
Yes! I've delivered tons of babies.
And at least half went to the right parents.
See? So remember: follow your instincts.
Instincts, gotcha! That's it, just breathe in through your nose, and then out through your mouth.
[GROWLING.]
This is how I used to do it on the blacktop! [LAUGHING.]
Ha-ha! Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no.
Oh no! [SPLAT.]
Maybe name that one Scrambled? [PEDRO LAUGHING.]
Okay, new plan: don't follow your instincts.
I can't believe I'll have to move from the only home I've ever known.
Where will I store my rare, fragile, antique fang scales? [CRASHING.]
PEDRO: I'm okay! The rare, fragile, antique fang scale broke my fall! Whoa! Uh, little help? [GASPING.]
That's it! Mrs.
Hemus said the final part of the test is surgery.
Surgery? That's not my strong suit.
No, we can use Hank.
All of his parts come off and stick right back on.
- Easy queasy.
Ow! - I have just the leech to fix that! I've been starving Jasper for days.
[CHOMPING.]
No, no, no, I'm good.
Besides, we've got a Frankenstein to deconstruct.
Good luck, Hank.
Hank? Yeah, I kinda dropped the gurney on the way over here and then just sorta stuck him all back together.
- You can hardly tell.
- Okay! This is a huge problem.
Dr.
Gillman won't be able to fix him now! So we need a new surgery patient, stat.
And ow! Aww, how pretty.
It's like a goo-globe, all ready for Creepmas.
[GASPING.]
I guess there's only one thing left to do.
Mavis? You're my surgical patient? I didn't think you had any confidence in me.
- I do! - But I don't have any idea - how to be a medical professional.
- Are you sure about that? You've taken care of us for years.
You squeezed Wendy out of the tube when she was just a blobette.
You gave Hank that gangrenous thumb.
You took out Pedro's tonsils.
Yeah, and I didn't even need 'em out! You can do this.
Do it your way.
The Gillman way! Okay, I will.
And don't worry, I've never lost a patient on the operating table.
I mean, a lot have died, but I haven't lost any of 'em.
[GULPING.]
I believe in you! [ALARM BLARING.]
[EXPLOSION.]
I may only have one eye, but this looks good to me.
Congratulations, Doctor Gillman.
[ALL CHEERING.]
I guess all those years faking being a doctor really paid off.
[GIGGLING.]
Yep.
But you're official now.
And if anyone would know, it's her.
Actually, I never went to inspector school.
I just wandered into their class photo, got a clipboard, and here I am.
Well, see you in 500 years! [GASPING.]
Mavis, what was that? - What is going on in here? - Um, long story.
Well, come, Dr.
Gillman, I've been looking all over for you.
The corns on my feet have grown angry.
[CORNS HISSING.]
[GASPING.]
You wanted to be a doctor again.
I'll get some butter and salt.
[VOCALIZING.]