I Didn't Do It (2014) s01e17 Episode Script
Bad News
The world's not ending.
There won't be a flood.
Water's not going to suddenly drop from the Wha It's happening! It's the end of the world! The floods have started! To the aliens who one day find us, this is how earth's civilization ends! Ah! How now, brown cow? How now, brown cow? Hey, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.
I believe she's doing vocal exercises, although truth be told, that vest ain't doing you no favors.
Today's my first day doing the school's morning announcements.
If I play my cards right, I could be a network news anchor one day.
Here's your first scoop.
Floods are coming.
The world will end next Thursday sometime around homeroom.
What? It was on a very reputable website.
Doomsday Charlie knows his stuff.
Jasmine, we need you in the news studio.
Five minutes to our debut.
Well, your debut.
Oh, who am I kidding? Our debut! Hey, how was your date with Amber last night? Well, I don't like to read too much into one date.
But don't be surprised if Amber and I end up married with two kids and a cocoa brown labradoodle.
What's the labradoodle's name? Like I think that far ahead.
Scout.
Bottom line is, I finally have a girlfriend.
Wait.
Is hey, why is my girlfriend hanging with Bruno? Why is my girlfriend hugging Bruno? I think the question is "why is your girlfriend dating Bruno?" Well, she is not getting scout.
You're on in five, four, three Two Hello, fellow pupils.
I'm Jasmine Kang, here with today's morning news.
The school board met last night to debate funding a new flagpole.
No decision was reached.
In other news, the ski trip sign-up sheet Will be posted sometime later today.
Or as soon as the office printer is fixed.
Could this be any more boring? In a related story, the office printer is broken.
Yes.
Yes, it could.
And now, this breaking news announcement.
If anyone finds Kate Nicholson's missing stuffed unicorn She asks that you please bring it to the lost and found.
Speaking of the lost and found, it has recently been repainted A new shade of beige.
So endothermic reactions Require energy, while exothermic reactions Generate heat.
And oxidation occurs when a reactant Loses electrons.
Congrats again on your "a," Zach.
Congrats again on your "a," Lindy.
See you later.
I bet that's the only "C" you'll ever get.
Oh-oh.
Oh-oh.
Ooh, new study-buddy.
No.
No, no, no.
We're in a study group together.
We almost never study one-on-one.
Well, maybe you should ask him to.
You two have studying chemistry.
Which is perfect.
Because you're studying chemistry.
But I'm only a freshman.
Having an exclusive study-buddy is such a big commitment.
All I'm saying is there are a lot of kids in the school who would like to study with him.
Zach's like a golden ticket to an Ivy league school.
You know, if the world weren't ending Thursday, I'd ask him myself.
Oh, hey, Garrett, I heard about you and Amber.
I'm so sorry.
It's all right.
I learned a lot from that relationship.
That some girls think it's a turnoff when you put on latex gloves to hold hands? Ha ha.
And yes.
I also learned that I need to work on my relationship skills.
And the solution is right here.
Meet my new girlfriend, candy.
Hi, it's super cool to meet Garrett's friends.
I've heard so much about you guys.
Candy is a cool new prototype app that gives me the complete girlfriend experience, with limited ads, for 99 cents.
Hey, are you calling me a cheap date? Ha-ha-ha.
"Cheap date.
" Classic candy.
Isn't she hilarious? Yeah, and what's that other word? Fictional.
That's very rude.
She can hear you.
That's okay.
I'm programmed with a sense of humor.
Ha-ha-ha.
Good one, Lindy.
Ha-ha-ha.
Well, thanks for noticing.
I'm kind of the funny one in the group.
Don't let it go to your head just because you have a real one.
Ha-ha-ha.
Oh, come on.
This relationship won't last past next Thursday.
Yes, we know, Delia.
The world is ending.
No, I just don't think they're a good match.
So What'd you guys think of my big news debut? That was the stinkiest thing ever, and I had to share a crib with Logan through all of his poop-splosions.
It was the best thing ever.
It was like a million tiny knives stabbing my eyes and ears.
It was a visual and auditory delight.
I once had a gerbil who gave birth and ate one of its own.
That was easier to watch than your newscast.
You were awesome! It stinks, it stank, it stunk.
It stinks, it stank, it stunk.
Logan, how could you say that? Because I'm your friend.
Look, it was totally boring, and you are terrible at it.
I couldn't wait for it to be over so I could go to algebra.
I wanted to learn, Jasmine.
I wanted to learn! You guys don't feel that way, do you? No! Absolutely not! They only talk at the same time when they're lying.
We don't.
We don't.
Great study session, everybody.
See you tomorrow.
Uh, listen, Zach, I've been thinking.
Well, that's what you do in a study group.
Right, about the whole group thing.
Maybe it's time we got serious and became exclusive study buddies.
Whoa.
Slow down, Lindy, you're moving faster than a charged ion.
Can't we just keep things the way they are? Yeah, absolutely.
No worries.
Like Einstein said, "what's the big woop?" All right, see you at school.
So, how'd it go? Horrible.
Delia, what's wrong with me? I'm gonna die study-buddy-less.
Snap out of it, girl.
You got to show him what he's missing.
Put a little beat on the hook.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the survival store and buy 50 pounds of Turkey jerky, a life raft and a flare gun.
Oh, and some stuff for the end of the world.
Jasmine, before you go on the air, can we talk about the show? Sure, Mr.
Kupckeck.
What is it? How do I put this? Your debut was a little Flat.
Flat? How flat? Ever drive through Nebraska? Look, I'm just trying to give you some constructive criticism.
The goal of morning announcements should be for people to watch them, not to cause a school-wide nap.
Uh, when will we be getting to the constructive part of this criticism? Right now.
Come on in! Hey, Jas.
Today's top story, I'm your new co-host! What do you think, Jasmine? Uh Uh Wow, for someone who delivers the news, you're not very good at taking it.
Ooh.
Whoo! Pretty cool, huh? We're hosting the morning announcements together.
Not yet, we're not.
Mr.
Kupckeck, with all due respect, I don't respect him.
Why would you pick him? I thought the broadcast was becoming too serious and no one's ever taken this one seriously.
Thank you.
Seriously.
You know what? If you want Logan, you don't want me.
I'm out of here.
Well, it's been nice working with you.
I see what you're doing.
You're threatening to do the show without me, just so I'll cave.
Well, I'm sorry, you'll have to find somebody else to be your smiley-faced morning bobblehead.
Hi, I'm Jasmine Kang.
And I'm your new co-host Logan "where the party at" Watson.
And welcome to A.
M.
morning! A.
M.
morning? A.
M.
is morning.
That makes no sense.
I came up with it.
That makes sense.
What is that? It's time for today's A.
M.
morning instant now poll: Which itches are okay to scratch in public? Logan, we don't have the capability to text now with your answers! Okay, apparently, we do.
And now, let's check in with our lunch reporter, Billy Bellybutton.
Who? Rock the mic, Billy! This just innie.
Today's lunch is fish sticks, potato smidgens, and corn niblets.
Can I get an "oh, yum?" Oh.
Woopsy.
Sorry, Zach.
How clumsy of me.
Oh, hey.
Are these laminated chemistry flash cards? Yes, I got them from last year's valedictorian.
You know, the one who went to Harvard.
I'm sorry if I'm staring at your cards.
They're magnificent.
Thanks.
Would it be too forward if I asked to use them sometime? Yeah, that would be great.
I mean, if we were study buddies, but we're not.
Oh, my, it is hot today, isn't it? Oh, well, see you at group study.
Four, three, two Lindy, wait! Yes, Zach? Hey, booger breath.
That's not very nice.
Yeah, I've decided since the world's ending, why keep up my sweet facade? I wasn't aware you had a sweet facade.
See you later, mom-jeans.
Don't listen to her.
The best thing about mom-jeans is you have plenty of room for me in your pocket.
Hey, touch my screen.
Candy.
There are people watching.
No, I've got a surprise for you.
Do it.
You got me a virtual labradoodle? Ahem.
My screen's over here, Romeo.
Sorry, candy.
I felt this morning went great, didn't you? Yeah.
When you poured chocolate syrup and milk in your mouth and made chocolate milk come out of your nose, I said, "this guy has got a future in news.
" Funny you should mention that.
I think our future's so bright, we'll need these.
I will never wear those.
I'm humiliated enough as it is.
That's why I'm eating out here alone.
The whole school was laughing at us this morning.
I know, wasn't it awesome? No.
I hated every second of it.
Why do you think I was repeatedly banging my head on the desk? I don't know.
I thought you were trying to kill a spider.
That's how I do it.
Oh.
What? Got him.
I don't enjoy all the goofiness like you do.
I want to be taken seriously.
Well, look, if it means that much to you, I guess I can tell Mr.
Kupckeck I don't want to do it anymore.
Really? Yeah, sure.
That's what friends do.
Thank you, and thanks for understanding that the silly thing just isn't who I am.
Yeah.
What's all this about? These are our fans.
Guys, thanks, thanks.
Thank you.
But A.
M.
morning is changing.
From now on, Jasmine's gonna be Jazzy Jas Kang! That's right, party people! Let the fun-derstorm begin! This was a huge mistake, this guy is driving me crazy.
So I got you something.
A highlighter.
What's that for? Making words stand out with a bold color.
It's our one week study-versary.
Has it really only been a week? Yup, and studying with you has been the highlight of my freshman year.
So, are you ready to study history? I wish we were history.
I got to get away from this guy.
He's smothering me.
What was I thinking? Even if Delia's right about the world ending Thursday, I'm not sure I can make it till then.
Napoleon, charlemagne, and Louis xiv, right? Yeah, I'd love to hang out with them.
What? Oh, uh, I mean, that sounds good, Zach.
Lindy, being your study buddy has been so great, I could see us studying together for the rest of high school.
Maybe we'll even go to the same college together.
College? Yeah, you know, that's not for everyone.
I'm thinking of driving a truck.
Good hours, travel, you're basically your own boss.
You're hilarious.
So see you tomorrow night for our next study session? Uh, yeah, about that.
See, I have to cancel.
My grandmother's in town.
And she's old and not feeling well, and needs to tell me a family secret before it's too late.
I think she's gonna give me her truck.
I guess we could take one night off.
We have the rest of our academic lives to study together.
I'm not going anywhere.
The results of the latest "A.
M.
morning instant now" text poll are in.
Forty-one percent of you say we should call the gunk in our eyes "eye boogies," while a whopping 59% chose "tear snot.
" What do you think of that, Jas? Jas? I'm sorry.
What did you say, Logan? I'm feeling a little light-headed.
Good one, Jas.
So, Logan, I'm thinking of skipping the dance this weekend.
Why is that, Jasmine? Because I've got no "body" to dance with.
Very good, very good.
And finally, a fire drill is planned for yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it, the bell rings, and you exit in an orderly fashion.
Thanks for the help, captain info.
This is Jazzy Jas Kang wishing you a beautiful A.
M.
morning.
Today.
Right now.
Another great show, guys.
But remember, you still have to read some of the actual announcements.
I guess we have to dial it back a little bit.
Why? It's A.
M.
morning.
Our fans want light info-tainment.
Yeah, but without the info, aren't we just "tainment"? Relax.
We're a huge hit.
Oh, a spider.
I'll get it.
What is that? It's my inflatable raft, Johnny earcrust.
Still sticking with the end of world insults, huh? What's it to you, clown sweater? That would be a yes.
Oh, hi, honey.
Were you ignoring me? No, not at all.
I'm just running low on data.
Hmm, well, maybe you should spring for the unlimited data plan, unless you don't think this is going anywhere.
Candy, where is this coming from? You're looking to upgrade, aren't you? No.
Come on, I'm a 5, 6's are just around the corner.
You never clean my screen anymore and would it kill you to buy me in a new case? You've had it less than a week, it's perfectly good.
Everyone has seen me in it.
You're the worst boyfriend ever! Candy? Candy? Trouble in virtual paradise? We have some issues.
What's the matter? She just phoning it in? That's very funny.
It's not the end of the world.
That's Thursday.
Hey, thanks for asking me to study with you.
I needed a break from candy.
I'm starting to miss the issues I have with real girls.
Please, I'd trade Zach in for a phone app like that.
The guy doesn't give me a moment to breathe.
I had to make up an excuse just to get away from him.
Come on, he can't be that bad.
Lindy, open up! Zach? What's he doing here? Well, he can't see me studying with you.
I know you're in there.
Open up! Oh, hello, grandma Watson.
Where's your truck? I don't know what you're referring to but I don't like your tone.
What is going on here? Zachary, what do you think two people who like each other do when they're alone? Oh, please, everyone knows you and Garrett are just friends.
Well, we used to be, but now we're a couple.
We even have cute pet names for each other, right Sugar lips? Right.
Mr.
whiskers.
That's not a pet name.
It's a pet's name.
Anyways, we are head over heels in love.
Oh, really? Then what's this doing here? You two were studying, weren't you? No.
No, no, no, not at all.
I told you we are in love.
We were kissing.
Really? Prove it.
Go on.
Right now.
Uh, okay.
Pucker up, lover boy.
Okay Sparky.
Okay, we were studying! I knew it.
How long have you two been learning behind my back? It was just tonight.
I swear I didn't retain a thing.
If you want Garrett to be your study buddy, fine.
Have fun, because we are through! Wait, just one question.
Let him go.
How did you even know we were here? Ask your new study buddy.
He is the one who texted me.
You texted him? No, I didn't, I swear.
Candy? If I can't have you, no one can.
I don't believe this.
She erased all my contacts.
So, you mean, me, Jasmine, Logan and Delia? And poison control.
Oh, Delia, what are you doing here? Didn't Jasmine tell you? I'm going to be A.
M.
morning's first in-studio guest.
And since it's Thursday, the last.
Ten seconds, people.
Once the show starts, make sure you announce this.
I don't care if you read it or your Bellybutton does.
We have a very special treat for you today.
The wonderful Delia Delfano will give us some kooky tips on how to survive the end of the world.
Oh, Jasmine, don't be silly.
The world will still be here.
It'll just be completely underwater and everyone who's not prepared will be dead.
I hate to break up the "tainment" with some "info," but I need to read this announcement.
The pipes are rusted in the boys' room on the second floor.
Under no circumstances Bo-ring! So, Delia, one important question.
When the floods come, will these help? They'll look good, but they won't help.
Nothing will.
And you'll need a life raft because all of a sudden out of nowhere the water will just okay, Deelz, you don't want to freak everybody out.
The world's not ending, there won't be a flood.
Water's not going to suddenly drop from the It's happening! It's the end of the world! The floods have started! To the aliens who one day find us, this is how earth's civilization ends! Aah! It's the end of the world! It's not the end of the world.
It's the end of morning announcements.
And probably the end of my teaching career.
Wow.
How did that happen? Because the pipes are rusted in the second floor boys' room, and you wouldn't let me read the rest of this announcement.
Under no circumstances can anyone use the second floor bathrooms.
Breaking news.
Kate Nicholson's unicorn has just been found.
I can't believe they canceled A.
M.
morning and replaced us with a virtual newscast.
Yeah, and I can't believe who the anchor is.
Tomorrow in the cafeteria, the special will be fish sticks and spaghetti.
Can I get an "oh, yum"? Ha-ha-ha.
Ha-ha-ha.
I don't know what I ever saw in her.
You know what the worst part of this whole thing is? The fact that you compromised your integrity and made a fool of yourself, all for the adulation of a few bored homeroom kids? I was going to say, the fact that we got drenched in toilet water, but yours works, too.
You know, I was going to say, it's that crazy way Garrett wears his hair.
You look like a tropical bird.
Hey, the world's not ending.
Oh, I know.
I'm having a hard time going back to sweet Delia.
So what do you mouth-breathers want to do this weekend?
There won't be a flood.
Water's not going to suddenly drop from the Wha It's happening! It's the end of the world! The floods have started! To the aliens who one day find us, this is how earth's civilization ends! Ah! How now, brown cow? How now, brown cow? Hey, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.
I believe she's doing vocal exercises, although truth be told, that vest ain't doing you no favors.
Today's my first day doing the school's morning announcements.
If I play my cards right, I could be a network news anchor one day.
Here's your first scoop.
Floods are coming.
The world will end next Thursday sometime around homeroom.
What? It was on a very reputable website.
Doomsday Charlie knows his stuff.
Jasmine, we need you in the news studio.
Five minutes to our debut.
Well, your debut.
Oh, who am I kidding? Our debut! Hey, how was your date with Amber last night? Well, I don't like to read too much into one date.
But don't be surprised if Amber and I end up married with two kids and a cocoa brown labradoodle.
What's the labradoodle's name? Like I think that far ahead.
Scout.
Bottom line is, I finally have a girlfriend.
Wait.
Is hey, why is my girlfriend hanging with Bruno? Why is my girlfriend hugging Bruno? I think the question is "why is your girlfriend dating Bruno?" Well, she is not getting scout.
You're on in five, four, three Two Hello, fellow pupils.
I'm Jasmine Kang, here with today's morning news.
The school board met last night to debate funding a new flagpole.
No decision was reached.
In other news, the ski trip sign-up sheet Will be posted sometime later today.
Or as soon as the office printer is fixed.
Could this be any more boring? In a related story, the office printer is broken.
Yes.
Yes, it could.
And now, this breaking news announcement.
If anyone finds Kate Nicholson's missing stuffed unicorn She asks that you please bring it to the lost and found.
Speaking of the lost and found, it has recently been repainted A new shade of beige.
So endothermic reactions Require energy, while exothermic reactions Generate heat.
And oxidation occurs when a reactant Loses electrons.
Congrats again on your "a," Zach.
Congrats again on your "a," Lindy.
See you later.
I bet that's the only "C" you'll ever get.
Oh-oh.
Oh-oh.
Ooh, new study-buddy.
No.
No, no, no.
We're in a study group together.
We almost never study one-on-one.
Well, maybe you should ask him to.
You two have studying chemistry.
Which is perfect.
Because you're studying chemistry.
But I'm only a freshman.
Having an exclusive study-buddy is such a big commitment.
All I'm saying is there are a lot of kids in the school who would like to study with him.
Zach's like a golden ticket to an Ivy league school.
You know, if the world weren't ending Thursday, I'd ask him myself.
Oh, hey, Garrett, I heard about you and Amber.
I'm so sorry.
It's all right.
I learned a lot from that relationship.
That some girls think it's a turnoff when you put on latex gloves to hold hands? Ha ha.
And yes.
I also learned that I need to work on my relationship skills.
And the solution is right here.
Meet my new girlfriend, candy.
Hi, it's super cool to meet Garrett's friends.
I've heard so much about you guys.
Candy is a cool new prototype app that gives me the complete girlfriend experience, with limited ads, for 99 cents.
Hey, are you calling me a cheap date? Ha-ha-ha.
"Cheap date.
" Classic candy.
Isn't she hilarious? Yeah, and what's that other word? Fictional.
That's very rude.
She can hear you.
That's okay.
I'm programmed with a sense of humor.
Ha-ha-ha.
Good one, Lindy.
Ha-ha-ha.
Well, thanks for noticing.
I'm kind of the funny one in the group.
Don't let it go to your head just because you have a real one.
Ha-ha-ha.
Oh, come on.
This relationship won't last past next Thursday.
Yes, we know, Delia.
The world is ending.
No, I just don't think they're a good match.
So What'd you guys think of my big news debut? That was the stinkiest thing ever, and I had to share a crib with Logan through all of his poop-splosions.
It was the best thing ever.
It was like a million tiny knives stabbing my eyes and ears.
It was a visual and auditory delight.
I once had a gerbil who gave birth and ate one of its own.
That was easier to watch than your newscast.
You were awesome! It stinks, it stank, it stunk.
It stinks, it stank, it stunk.
Logan, how could you say that? Because I'm your friend.
Look, it was totally boring, and you are terrible at it.
I couldn't wait for it to be over so I could go to algebra.
I wanted to learn, Jasmine.
I wanted to learn! You guys don't feel that way, do you? No! Absolutely not! They only talk at the same time when they're lying.
We don't.
We don't.
Great study session, everybody.
See you tomorrow.
Uh, listen, Zach, I've been thinking.
Well, that's what you do in a study group.
Right, about the whole group thing.
Maybe it's time we got serious and became exclusive study buddies.
Whoa.
Slow down, Lindy, you're moving faster than a charged ion.
Can't we just keep things the way they are? Yeah, absolutely.
No worries.
Like Einstein said, "what's the big woop?" All right, see you at school.
So, how'd it go? Horrible.
Delia, what's wrong with me? I'm gonna die study-buddy-less.
Snap out of it, girl.
You got to show him what he's missing.
Put a little beat on the hook.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the survival store and buy 50 pounds of Turkey jerky, a life raft and a flare gun.
Oh, and some stuff for the end of the world.
Jasmine, before you go on the air, can we talk about the show? Sure, Mr.
Kupckeck.
What is it? How do I put this? Your debut was a little Flat.
Flat? How flat? Ever drive through Nebraska? Look, I'm just trying to give you some constructive criticism.
The goal of morning announcements should be for people to watch them, not to cause a school-wide nap.
Uh, when will we be getting to the constructive part of this criticism? Right now.
Come on in! Hey, Jas.
Today's top story, I'm your new co-host! What do you think, Jasmine? Uh Uh Wow, for someone who delivers the news, you're not very good at taking it.
Ooh.
Whoo! Pretty cool, huh? We're hosting the morning announcements together.
Not yet, we're not.
Mr.
Kupckeck, with all due respect, I don't respect him.
Why would you pick him? I thought the broadcast was becoming too serious and no one's ever taken this one seriously.
Thank you.
Seriously.
You know what? If you want Logan, you don't want me.
I'm out of here.
Well, it's been nice working with you.
I see what you're doing.
You're threatening to do the show without me, just so I'll cave.
Well, I'm sorry, you'll have to find somebody else to be your smiley-faced morning bobblehead.
Hi, I'm Jasmine Kang.
And I'm your new co-host Logan "where the party at" Watson.
And welcome to A.
M.
morning! A.
M.
morning? A.
M.
is morning.
That makes no sense.
I came up with it.
That makes sense.
What is that? It's time for today's A.
M.
morning instant now poll: Which itches are okay to scratch in public? Logan, we don't have the capability to text now with your answers! Okay, apparently, we do.
And now, let's check in with our lunch reporter, Billy Bellybutton.
Who? Rock the mic, Billy! This just innie.
Today's lunch is fish sticks, potato smidgens, and corn niblets.
Can I get an "oh, yum?" Oh.
Woopsy.
Sorry, Zach.
How clumsy of me.
Oh, hey.
Are these laminated chemistry flash cards? Yes, I got them from last year's valedictorian.
You know, the one who went to Harvard.
I'm sorry if I'm staring at your cards.
They're magnificent.
Thanks.
Would it be too forward if I asked to use them sometime? Yeah, that would be great.
I mean, if we were study buddies, but we're not.
Oh, my, it is hot today, isn't it? Oh, well, see you at group study.
Four, three, two Lindy, wait! Yes, Zach? Hey, booger breath.
That's not very nice.
Yeah, I've decided since the world's ending, why keep up my sweet facade? I wasn't aware you had a sweet facade.
See you later, mom-jeans.
Don't listen to her.
The best thing about mom-jeans is you have plenty of room for me in your pocket.
Hey, touch my screen.
Candy.
There are people watching.
No, I've got a surprise for you.
Do it.
You got me a virtual labradoodle? Ahem.
My screen's over here, Romeo.
Sorry, candy.
I felt this morning went great, didn't you? Yeah.
When you poured chocolate syrup and milk in your mouth and made chocolate milk come out of your nose, I said, "this guy has got a future in news.
" Funny you should mention that.
I think our future's so bright, we'll need these.
I will never wear those.
I'm humiliated enough as it is.
That's why I'm eating out here alone.
The whole school was laughing at us this morning.
I know, wasn't it awesome? No.
I hated every second of it.
Why do you think I was repeatedly banging my head on the desk? I don't know.
I thought you were trying to kill a spider.
That's how I do it.
Oh.
What? Got him.
I don't enjoy all the goofiness like you do.
I want to be taken seriously.
Well, look, if it means that much to you, I guess I can tell Mr.
Kupckeck I don't want to do it anymore.
Really? Yeah, sure.
That's what friends do.
Thank you, and thanks for understanding that the silly thing just isn't who I am.
Yeah.
What's all this about? These are our fans.
Guys, thanks, thanks.
Thank you.
But A.
M.
morning is changing.
From now on, Jasmine's gonna be Jazzy Jas Kang! That's right, party people! Let the fun-derstorm begin! This was a huge mistake, this guy is driving me crazy.
So I got you something.
A highlighter.
What's that for? Making words stand out with a bold color.
It's our one week study-versary.
Has it really only been a week? Yup, and studying with you has been the highlight of my freshman year.
So, are you ready to study history? I wish we were history.
I got to get away from this guy.
He's smothering me.
What was I thinking? Even if Delia's right about the world ending Thursday, I'm not sure I can make it till then.
Napoleon, charlemagne, and Louis xiv, right? Yeah, I'd love to hang out with them.
What? Oh, uh, I mean, that sounds good, Zach.
Lindy, being your study buddy has been so great, I could see us studying together for the rest of high school.
Maybe we'll even go to the same college together.
College? Yeah, you know, that's not for everyone.
I'm thinking of driving a truck.
Good hours, travel, you're basically your own boss.
You're hilarious.
So see you tomorrow night for our next study session? Uh, yeah, about that.
See, I have to cancel.
My grandmother's in town.
And she's old and not feeling well, and needs to tell me a family secret before it's too late.
I think she's gonna give me her truck.
I guess we could take one night off.
We have the rest of our academic lives to study together.
I'm not going anywhere.
The results of the latest "A.
M.
morning instant now" text poll are in.
Forty-one percent of you say we should call the gunk in our eyes "eye boogies," while a whopping 59% chose "tear snot.
" What do you think of that, Jas? Jas? I'm sorry.
What did you say, Logan? I'm feeling a little light-headed.
Good one, Jas.
So, Logan, I'm thinking of skipping the dance this weekend.
Why is that, Jasmine? Because I've got no "body" to dance with.
Very good, very good.
And finally, a fire drill is planned for yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it, the bell rings, and you exit in an orderly fashion.
Thanks for the help, captain info.
This is Jazzy Jas Kang wishing you a beautiful A.
M.
morning.
Today.
Right now.
Another great show, guys.
But remember, you still have to read some of the actual announcements.
I guess we have to dial it back a little bit.
Why? It's A.
M.
morning.
Our fans want light info-tainment.
Yeah, but without the info, aren't we just "tainment"? Relax.
We're a huge hit.
Oh, a spider.
I'll get it.
What is that? It's my inflatable raft, Johnny earcrust.
Still sticking with the end of world insults, huh? What's it to you, clown sweater? That would be a yes.
Oh, hi, honey.
Were you ignoring me? No, not at all.
I'm just running low on data.
Hmm, well, maybe you should spring for the unlimited data plan, unless you don't think this is going anywhere.
Candy, where is this coming from? You're looking to upgrade, aren't you? No.
Come on, I'm a 5, 6's are just around the corner.
You never clean my screen anymore and would it kill you to buy me in a new case? You've had it less than a week, it's perfectly good.
Everyone has seen me in it.
You're the worst boyfriend ever! Candy? Candy? Trouble in virtual paradise? We have some issues.
What's the matter? She just phoning it in? That's very funny.
It's not the end of the world.
That's Thursday.
Hey, thanks for asking me to study with you.
I needed a break from candy.
I'm starting to miss the issues I have with real girls.
Please, I'd trade Zach in for a phone app like that.
The guy doesn't give me a moment to breathe.
I had to make up an excuse just to get away from him.
Come on, he can't be that bad.
Lindy, open up! Zach? What's he doing here? Well, he can't see me studying with you.
I know you're in there.
Open up! Oh, hello, grandma Watson.
Where's your truck? I don't know what you're referring to but I don't like your tone.
What is going on here? Zachary, what do you think two people who like each other do when they're alone? Oh, please, everyone knows you and Garrett are just friends.
Well, we used to be, but now we're a couple.
We even have cute pet names for each other, right Sugar lips? Right.
Mr.
whiskers.
That's not a pet name.
It's a pet's name.
Anyways, we are head over heels in love.
Oh, really? Then what's this doing here? You two were studying, weren't you? No.
No, no, no, not at all.
I told you we are in love.
We were kissing.
Really? Prove it.
Go on.
Right now.
Uh, okay.
Pucker up, lover boy.
Okay Sparky.
Okay, we were studying! I knew it.
How long have you two been learning behind my back? It was just tonight.
I swear I didn't retain a thing.
If you want Garrett to be your study buddy, fine.
Have fun, because we are through! Wait, just one question.
Let him go.
How did you even know we were here? Ask your new study buddy.
He is the one who texted me.
You texted him? No, I didn't, I swear.
Candy? If I can't have you, no one can.
I don't believe this.
She erased all my contacts.
So, you mean, me, Jasmine, Logan and Delia? And poison control.
Oh, Delia, what are you doing here? Didn't Jasmine tell you? I'm going to be A.
M.
morning's first in-studio guest.
And since it's Thursday, the last.
Ten seconds, people.
Once the show starts, make sure you announce this.
I don't care if you read it or your Bellybutton does.
We have a very special treat for you today.
The wonderful Delia Delfano will give us some kooky tips on how to survive the end of the world.
Oh, Jasmine, don't be silly.
The world will still be here.
It'll just be completely underwater and everyone who's not prepared will be dead.
I hate to break up the "tainment" with some "info," but I need to read this announcement.
The pipes are rusted in the boys' room on the second floor.
Under no circumstances Bo-ring! So, Delia, one important question.
When the floods come, will these help? They'll look good, but they won't help.
Nothing will.
And you'll need a life raft because all of a sudden out of nowhere the water will just okay, Deelz, you don't want to freak everybody out.
The world's not ending, there won't be a flood.
Water's not going to suddenly drop from the It's happening! It's the end of the world! The floods have started! To the aliens who one day find us, this is how earth's civilization ends! Aah! It's the end of the world! It's not the end of the world.
It's the end of morning announcements.
And probably the end of my teaching career.
Wow.
How did that happen? Because the pipes are rusted in the second floor boys' room, and you wouldn't let me read the rest of this announcement.
Under no circumstances can anyone use the second floor bathrooms.
Breaking news.
Kate Nicholson's unicorn has just been found.
I can't believe they canceled A.
M.
morning and replaced us with a virtual newscast.
Yeah, and I can't believe who the anchor is.
Tomorrow in the cafeteria, the special will be fish sticks and spaghetti.
Can I get an "oh, yum"? Ha-ha-ha.
Ha-ha-ha.
I don't know what I ever saw in her.
You know what the worst part of this whole thing is? The fact that you compromised your integrity and made a fool of yourself, all for the adulation of a few bored homeroom kids? I was going to say, the fact that we got drenched in toilet water, but yours works, too.
You know, I was going to say, it's that crazy way Garrett wears his hair.
You look like a tropical bird.
Hey, the world's not ending.
Oh, I know.
I'm having a hard time going back to sweet Delia.
So what do you mouth-breathers want to do this weekend?