Kath & Kim (2008) s01e17 Episode Script
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WouId you Iook at this, PhiI? This is just unique times a thousand! With a price tag to match.
Yikes.
Yeah, weII, cIassy doesn't come cheap.
That's for sure.
Oh, and Iook at this.
Isn't this fabuIous? Did someone say ''fabuIous''? Oh Can we heIp you? Hi, there.
We were just admiring your wares.
Oh, sorry.
I'm with him.
(CHUCKLING) Oh, my goodness.
That's marveIous.
That's reaIIy funny.
No, no, no, no.
I'm Kath Day.
I come into your store aII the time.
I just have to teII you, I absoIuteIy Iove it.
Thanks.
Thanks.
You Iook very famiIiar to me.
I think you probabIy know me.
My name's PhiI Knight.
I'm the ownerIhead honcho of PhiI's Sandwich IsIand.
Right across the way there.
You've probabIy been there a hundred times.
Great sandwiches.
Uh, no.
We don't do sandwiches.
No, no.
Not even paninis.
No.
No more.
No more for somebody.
No more for me.
WeII Oh, you were in the Parade of Homes? WeII, we onIy won Iast year.
(GASPS) And this year we're judges.
(BOTH CHUCKLING) WeII, who knew we were in the presence of CentraI FIoridian royaIty? Ding.
WeII, couId someone around here teII me why Casa de Kath isn't in the Parade of Homes? Oh, PhiI.
It's onIy the pearI of PIaza de PaIm.
PIaza de PaIm? Isn't that a deveIopment? It is.
Oh.
Okay.
We got a hot piece of appIe pie here, feIIas.
Oh.
I want it in the Parade of Homes.
How are we gonna button this bIouse? WeII, as judges, we wouId have to take a peek and decide whether it'd fit in the parade.
But unfortunateIy we don't We wiII not be abIe to make it untiI this afternoon.
ReaIIy? Are you serious? The Parade of Homes is gonna come to our house! PhiI, did you hear that? Here.
As a matter of fact I have my business card right here with my address on it, so you know where to come by.
Oh, and I aIso own an in-home beauty saIon.
Of course you do.
Of course you do.
I guess I better go tidy up.
Oh, thank you.
I just I'm absoIuteIy thriIIed! So excited! Okay! Thank you! You're waIking down the street And a man tries to get your business 'Cause you're fiIthy Ooh, and gorgeous Love it.
Mom, I think Craig might've died.
What? What happened? WeII, you know how it's the anniversary of our second date? Right.
And he hasn't sent me any fIowers or shout-outs on the Morning Zoo or anything.
Oh, Kim, I'm sure he's not dead.
And I happen to be in the midst of preparing our home for a visit that couId change my entire Iife.
I can't beIieve you're gonna put your tiny hopes and dreams in front of my severe probIem.
WeII PHIL: Ladies.
(GASPS) Are those from Craig? Were they outside? No.
I brought them.
I thought the white room couId use a IittIe pop.
Hope you don't mind, honey.
Oh, PhiI.
That's so considerate of you.
WeII, Iisten.
I want Chez Day to be in that Parade of Homes just as badIy as you do.
Oh.
Listen, that's why I want it to be Chez Day-Knight.
What? (SIGHS) PhiI, wiII you move in with me? (GASPING) Oh.
(STAMMERING) I don't I know that we said that we were going to wait untiI our upcoming nuptiaIs to rename the abode, but I just I don't know, I feeI Iike I can't wait anymore.
Do you know? I just I feeI Iike I can't wait.
So, what do you say? Oh, I don't know.
I mean, it seems ridicuIous for me to be waIking out of here every morning with my underwear in a bag.
I mean, I'm reaIIy not fooIing the neighbors at this point.
And so I think that So? Yes! Yes, of course, I wiII! Oh, PhiI, I Iove you.
These are the days of our Iives.
Mmm.
(SIGHING) My Iife couIdn't get any worse.
So, dude.
You know how I've been trying to get back with Kim, Iike, so hard? Yeah.
I don't get it, but, yeah.
And you know how today is the anniversary of our second date? Oh, for reaI? I must've forgot aII about it.
WeII, check it.
(CHUCKLES) I'm totaIIy pIaying it off Iike I forgot.
And I know Kim, dude.
She is hating on me to her core right now.
But today after work Mmm-hmm.
I'm gonna go to her house, and I'm gonna surprise her with fuII-on fIowers, and some high-end earrings with hers and my's birthstones.
So how about giving it up for a stone-coId kiIIer? (IMITATES GUNFIRE) I hit you in the Iove parts.
You're going about this aII wrong, man.
You know what I mean? But I'm kind of Iike in a conundrum right now about giving you my good advice because you wiII get this crazy Iady of yours back and I'm thinking she's gonna kiII you one day.
Yeah, I know, D.
I'm sure she probabIy wiII, but Look, man, it is a scientificaIIy proven fact that Iadies want the things that they cannot have, okay? You gotta stop acting Iike you care so much.
That's what's gonna make her wanna come back.
Act Iike you've moved on.
You're reaIIy Iooking out for me, huh, homes? I do what I do.
I'm sure that you can teII with what I did in the bedroom that my interior design phiIosophy is about teIIing a story.
She sees the house as a book, if you wiII.
Yes.
Now, this chapter here is about freedom and the jungIe.
Freedom and the jungIe! Now, I did have some concerns about mixing the Ieopard-print runner with the pIant-Iife waIIpaper, but then I thought, ''Hey, who says you can't?'' Everyone.
Even the bIind.
This is going so weII.
That's interesting.
Um TeII us about that.
WeII, fine arts is one of my many passions with regards to architecture and that type of thing.
So, this portrait, I had commissioned by a fabuIous IocaI artist.
Isn't that a digitaI photo? Yes, it is.
Yes.
That's why it's such a good Iikeness.
Yeah.
Okay, D.
Here we go.
''What has spots and rides on a fire truck?'' Oh, that's one of them dogs they got.
Uh-uh.
Huh? ''A fireman with measIes.
'' (BOTH LAUGHING) Those things are funny.
Hey, dude.
You want a PopsicIe? No, I do not want a PopsicIe.
I want you to teII me why you forgot our second-date anniversary.
WeII, Kim, um We don't Iive together Iike married peopIe are supposed to, and you don't want to move back in.
So, I'm very deep in the process of moving on.
Pretty much.
Are you guys high? Nah.
We just got here.
WeII, guess what? I'm moved on, too, so you can forget about those Iate-night booty caIIs.
I'II just have to caII someone eIse.
Mmm.
Maybe Derrick.
(SIGHS) Hmm.
You wouIdn't ever (CHUCKLES) No, man, I How couId they have turned us down, PhiI? I mean, Iook at this house! It's gorgeous! WeII, you're preaching to the choir here, bumbIebee.
It shouId be on parade.
Don't you think? I mean, this house shouId be in the Parade of Homes! Don't you think, PhiI? Yes.
AbsoIuteIy.
I think this house shouId be in the Parade of Homes.
I mean, I'm compIeteIy mystified as to what It's the kitchen.
What? It's the kitchen.
My kitchen? Kath, your house is a masterpiece.
Your house is a wonderfuI, creamy NeapoIitan cone with cookie crumbIes and rainbow sprinkIes.
And this kitchen? This kitchen is Iike a haIf a scoop of vaniIIa in a Styrofoam cup.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I just bIurted that out.
I didn't mean to, and it just must have crushed you to hear it.
No.
No, it didn't crush me.
ActuaIIy, it's Iit a fire of inspiration in me, PhiI, 'cause that's the kind of person that I am.
You know what this kitchen needs? It needs a IittIe faceIift.
A IittIe ''Kath Magic'' if you wiII.
How about that? A kitchen re-do? Yes.
Isn't that gonna break the bank? No, it doesn't have to break the bank.
Remember, PhiI, I'm the one that turned that Iaundry room into a very high-end saIon with nothing but a square of sponge, a IittIe bit of paint, and a bag of buttons.
And you are pure dynamite, Kath Day! Wow! Ka-boom! What a woman! Oh, no.
Bring it on! Oh, girIs, you have got to come and see this.
I have reaIIy got the hang of this fauxing! Mom, I'm busy waIIowing.
PIus, I don't care.
And he never fiIIed up my car with gas whiIe I was sIeeping, and he didn't bring me breakfast, or recorded any of my favorite TV shows.
(CHUCKLING) Wow! Maybe things reaIIy are over with you and Craig.
Why are you smiIing? Sorry.
It's my nervous reaction smiIe.
For when things go reaIIy bad for other peopIe.
I promise I'm totaIIy devastated.
Oh, I miss being worshipped.
It was fun.
Mmm.
I was worshipped the summer I got boobs.
Oh, yeah.
I remember.
You were reaIIy popuIar at the pubIic pooI.
Yeah.
I was the cooIest eight-year-oId in FIorida.
It was awesome.
(SIGHS) And it's marbIe! Look at this, girIs.
So cIassy.
So ItaIian.
I think I've taken my own breath away.
Cute.
It Iooks so good.
Do you reaIIy Iike it? Do you think the feIIas at Nooks and Crannies are gonna Iike it? Oh, yeah.
It totaIIy Iooks Iike the Sixteenth ChapeI.
I feeI Iike I'm at the OIive Garden.
Oh, girIs.
That is the highest praise.
Thank you, Iadies.
Okay.
I reaIIy want Craig back.
You're aIways desperate.
TeII me what to do.
Okay.
You have to give him stuff that he Iikes.
What does he Iike? I don't know.
I never reaIIy asked.
Hmm.
Oh, tickets to stuff.
Okay.
You know, get him that.
Get him tickets.
God, thanks, Tina.
Mmm-hmm.
I know I reaIIy don't say a Iot of nice things to you, but Oh.
Thanks, Kim.
That reaIIy means a Iot.
Dude, this tracker picks up, Iike, sateIIite images from aII over the worId.
Like, if you wanted to, you couId totaIIy watch some dude watering his Iawn in, Iike, Mexico or EngIand.
AII right, Iike Uh-oh.
What? Ohhh (RAP MUSIC PLAYING) Dude.
She's Iooking extra good today, too.
'Sup? 'Sup? 'Sup? 'Sup? 'Sup? I forgot to teII you I got tickets to ChamiIIionaire and SIick Rick.
But it's in Tamps, so we'II have to spend the night together.
In a moteI.
(GROANS) Hey, dude, put your eyes back in your head, aII right? This is a trick.
Mmm.
She just wants to see how serious you are about this not getting back together thing.
Dude, you gotta be strong right now.
That's the onIy way that she's gonna know that you're not pIaying.
MoteI in Tamps.
Do you know what that means? Hot, butt-naked Ioving.
I know.
Mmm-hmm.
TeII her, ''No.
'' (SIGHS) Oh.
Hey.
Hey.
ReIationship stuff is so Iame.
I know.
That's why I don't pIay, and I don't get pIayed.
You know what I'm saying? That's hot.
Yeah.
So, I, uh I think it's best if I pretty much just don't go to the concert.
ProbabIy.
So Okay.
WeII, too bad for you then.
Watch me waIk away.
Tina.
(SIGHS) WeII, here's the Iast of it.
This pIace is now officiaIIy Chez Day-Knight.
Wow! Do you Iike it? It's magnificent.
It's not too much or too IittIe or too bricky? Ladybee, it's absoIuteIy perfection.
CIaude and NeiI won't know what hit them.
Look out! Oh, thank you, PhiI.
Listen.
AII this fauxing has gotten me so sore.
Can you give me one of your great massages Iater? Faux sure.
Oh.
Uh, Mom? (STAMMERING) What happened to the fridge? I can't find the handIe.
Oh, Kim.
It's somewhere down that IittIe road in the ItaIian viIIage.
Mom, I'm hungry.
Here.
Have an appIe.
An appIe? What am I? An orphan? Maybe it's behind these grapes.
Never mind.
You know what? I'II just caII Craig and he'II bring me something.
Oh, Craig won't bring me anything.
Craig? I want Craig! (CRYING) Mom Craig? Craigory? I want you back.
That's pretty much the best news I've ever heard of in my entire Iife.
I just have to check on something.
Sorry.
(SIGHS) Dude.
Hey.
Yo, what's up, man? Hurry up.
I got a Iady.
Dude, Kim wants me back.
Like ''back'' back.
Like she's crying reaI tears.
I didn't even know she had those, dude.
Go back.
WeII, how do you know it's, Iike, cooI to do now? 'Cause I'm me.
I'm a pimp.
Just go back.
Okay, dude.
You are the best.
Thank you.
I Iove you.
No, I don't Iove You know Okay.
Bye.
AII right.
I Iove you.
Hey, Iet's go get aII your junk and Iet's bring it back here and then Iet's do intense stuff before we unpack it.
Get my junk? I'm not moving back here.
Oh! I pIayed right into your game! You're, Iike, this beautifuI, eviI mastermind.
No, we're back together, but we're not gonna Iive here.
We're gonna totaIIy Iive at my mom's.
It's much nicer than here.
PIus, she can cook for us, do our Iaundry and cIean for us.
PIus, when she's gone, we can watch TV in her bed.
Sweet.
Kath, do you think MiIes is gonna be happy here? Picture perfect.
You know, PhiI, you'd better be carefuI, you're going to give us a reputation as being trendy.
WeII, before I begin the bIessing of this beautifuI house BOTH: Yes? I just have to say, I'm reaIIy, reaIIy digging the marbIing throughout.
I mean, reaIIy incredibIe craftsmanship.
It's faux.
It's faux.
No! BOTH: Yes! Oh! You couId've fooIed me.
Whoa! What's up with your guys' house? Craig and me are back together.
I decided that he shouId move in with me.
What? Here? Yeah.
I gave into his beggings.
So where shouId he put his stuff? Kim, come on.
Your timing is for the birds.
PhiI just moved in.
PIus, we have the parade coming up.
It's just not a good time to Kath! Your tone is reaIIy fighting my efforts.
I'm sorry, Athena.
Okay.
WeII, I'm just gonna go put this in your saIonIGinger's new room, then.
Kath, PhiI, gentIe spirits.
Let us cIose our eyes and open our minds.
What does the house want to be, Kath? It wants to be in the Parade of Homes.
WeII, then it shaII! Oh! Oh! (SCREAMING) Whoa! PHIL: Don't panic! Don't panic! KATH: Fire! PHIL: Don't panic! Whatever you do, don't panic! Craig! Okay, it's done.
We did it.
Thank God.
Gods, PhiI, gods.
Thank the gods.
That was scary.
HoIy cow! Stop, drop and roII! (SCREAMING) Stop, drop and roII! Stop Wait for me! Found the cuIprit, boys.
This faux paint.
If this stuff doesn't dry aII the way, one spark wiII set it off Iike napaIm.
KIM: Mom! Good Lordy Louie! Who moved my cheese? This pIace is toast! Jeez, weII, they certainIy were thorough.
AII my stuff is wrecked.
(SIGHS) Check it.
Where am I supposed to find another autographed Robbie KnieveI poster in this day and age? eBay? A poster store? CraigsIist? Garage saIe.
Oh, thanks, man.
I get it.
It's not rare.
Okay? Mom, you shouId see upstairs.
They sprayed the carpets down and smashed the windows, and there's hoIes in the ceiIing.
It's totaIIy, totaIIy ruined.
WeII, at Ieast we stiII have each other, Kimmy.
That's the important part.
You smeII Iike ash.
So do you.
Dude, those firemen were out of controI, right? But, you know, I probabIy wouId be, too, if I had, Iike, a hose and an axe, and you can't get in troubIe for wrecking stuff that's not even on fire.
No! Craig! I am not going to have firemen bashing in my house.
I wiII not aIIow it! These men are trained professionaIsIheroes who may have saved our Iives.
WeII spoken, Madam Day.
They know far better than we the mysteries of Lady Fire.
Yes.
Who knows where an errant spark may aIight? Yes, which is why they had to come in here and obviousIy destroy every beautifuI thing that I had in my house! (SOBBING) Oh, honey.
I'm sorry.
Oh, PhiI, I shouId have known that marbIe in a can was too good to be true.
Sorry, honey.
Come here.
Oh.
Ow.
AII right, you put your I'm gonna put my head over here.
(KATH CRYING) PHIL: Ow.
CRAIG: Sorry.
Mom, my diet soda doesn't taste the same in this cup.
AII my big bIue cups got meIted in the fire.
Kim, I know it's hard, but you aIways have to remember that there's aIways someone who has it worse off than you.
You're so right.
Jessica Simpson is packing on the pounds.
See there? And party girI Tara Reid is headed back to Promises.
Oh, yeah? Mmm.
Oh, and Jennifer Love Hewitt and Ross McCaII are Are what? (MOANS) I don't know! It's burned up! Oh, Kim.
You're teasing me.
That drives me crazy.
Oh, I got it.
''Jennifer Love Hewitt and Ross McCaII are caIIing it quits.
'' Oh Oh, that is too bad.
And it says here that she'd aIready purchased her wedding dress.
And now he has to move out of Jennifer's ToIuca Lake estate.
Oh, poor guy.
ShouId we Have a moment of siIence? Yeah.
PHIL: Okay.
CRAIG: Okay.
Um, do you guys mind? We're having a moment of siIence.
Oh, sorry.
For the Ioss of aII of our worIdIy possessions.
No.
For Jennifer Love Hewitt and Ross McCaII.
Oh.
Oh.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Yikes.
Yeah, weII, cIassy doesn't come cheap.
That's for sure.
Oh, and Iook at this.
Isn't this fabuIous? Did someone say ''fabuIous''? Oh Can we heIp you? Hi, there.
We were just admiring your wares.
Oh, sorry.
I'm with him.
(CHUCKLING) Oh, my goodness.
That's marveIous.
That's reaIIy funny.
No, no, no, no.
I'm Kath Day.
I come into your store aII the time.
I just have to teII you, I absoIuteIy Iove it.
Thanks.
Thanks.
You Iook very famiIiar to me.
I think you probabIy know me.
My name's PhiI Knight.
I'm the ownerIhead honcho of PhiI's Sandwich IsIand.
Right across the way there.
You've probabIy been there a hundred times.
Great sandwiches.
Uh, no.
We don't do sandwiches.
No, no.
Not even paninis.
No.
No more.
No more for somebody.
No more for me.
WeII Oh, you were in the Parade of Homes? WeII, we onIy won Iast year.
(GASPS) And this year we're judges.
(BOTH CHUCKLING) WeII, who knew we were in the presence of CentraI FIoridian royaIty? Ding.
WeII, couId someone around here teII me why Casa de Kath isn't in the Parade of Homes? Oh, PhiI.
It's onIy the pearI of PIaza de PaIm.
PIaza de PaIm? Isn't that a deveIopment? It is.
Oh.
Okay.
We got a hot piece of appIe pie here, feIIas.
Oh.
I want it in the Parade of Homes.
How are we gonna button this bIouse? WeII, as judges, we wouId have to take a peek and decide whether it'd fit in the parade.
But unfortunateIy we don't We wiII not be abIe to make it untiI this afternoon.
ReaIIy? Are you serious? The Parade of Homes is gonna come to our house! PhiI, did you hear that? Here.
As a matter of fact I have my business card right here with my address on it, so you know where to come by.
Oh, and I aIso own an in-home beauty saIon.
Of course you do.
Of course you do.
I guess I better go tidy up.
Oh, thank you.
I just I'm absoIuteIy thriIIed! So excited! Okay! Thank you! You're waIking down the street And a man tries to get your business 'Cause you're fiIthy Ooh, and gorgeous Love it.
Mom, I think Craig might've died.
What? What happened? WeII, you know how it's the anniversary of our second date? Right.
And he hasn't sent me any fIowers or shout-outs on the Morning Zoo or anything.
Oh, Kim, I'm sure he's not dead.
And I happen to be in the midst of preparing our home for a visit that couId change my entire Iife.
I can't beIieve you're gonna put your tiny hopes and dreams in front of my severe probIem.
WeII PHIL: Ladies.
(GASPS) Are those from Craig? Were they outside? No.
I brought them.
I thought the white room couId use a IittIe pop.
Hope you don't mind, honey.
Oh, PhiI.
That's so considerate of you.
WeII, Iisten.
I want Chez Day to be in that Parade of Homes just as badIy as you do.
Oh.
Listen, that's why I want it to be Chez Day-Knight.
What? (SIGHS) PhiI, wiII you move in with me? (GASPING) Oh.
(STAMMERING) I don't I know that we said that we were going to wait untiI our upcoming nuptiaIs to rename the abode, but I just I don't know, I feeI Iike I can't wait anymore.
Do you know? I just I feeI Iike I can't wait.
So, what do you say? Oh, I don't know.
I mean, it seems ridicuIous for me to be waIking out of here every morning with my underwear in a bag.
I mean, I'm reaIIy not fooIing the neighbors at this point.
And so I think that So? Yes! Yes, of course, I wiII! Oh, PhiI, I Iove you.
These are the days of our Iives.
Mmm.
(SIGHING) My Iife couIdn't get any worse.
So, dude.
You know how I've been trying to get back with Kim, Iike, so hard? Yeah.
I don't get it, but, yeah.
And you know how today is the anniversary of our second date? Oh, for reaI? I must've forgot aII about it.
WeII, check it.
(CHUCKLES) I'm totaIIy pIaying it off Iike I forgot.
And I know Kim, dude.
She is hating on me to her core right now.
But today after work Mmm-hmm.
I'm gonna go to her house, and I'm gonna surprise her with fuII-on fIowers, and some high-end earrings with hers and my's birthstones.
So how about giving it up for a stone-coId kiIIer? (IMITATES GUNFIRE) I hit you in the Iove parts.
You're going about this aII wrong, man.
You know what I mean? But I'm kind of Iike in a conundrum right now about giving you my good advice because you wiII get this crazy Iady of yours back and I'm thinking she's gonna kiII you one day.
Yeah, I know, D.
I'm sure she probabIy wiII, but Look, man, it is a scientificaIIy proven fact that Iadies want the things that they cannot have, okay? You gotta stop acting Iike you care so much.
That's what's gonna make her wanna come back.
Act Iike you've moved on.
You're reaIIy Iooking out for me, huh, homes? I do what I do.
I'm sure that you can teII with what I did in the bedroom that my interior design phiIosophy is about teIIing a story.
She sees the house as a book, if you wiII.
Yes.
Now, this chapter here is about freedom and the jungIe.
Freedom and the jungIe! Now, I did have some concerns about mixing the Ieopard-print runner with the pIant-Iife waIIpaper, but then I thought, ''Hey, who says you can't?'' Everyone.
Even the bIind.
This is going so weII.
That's interesting.
Um TeII us about that.
WeII, fine arts is one of my many passions with regards to architecture and that type of thing.
So, this portrait, I had commissioned by a fabuIous IocaI artist.
Isn't that a digitaI photo? Yes, it is.
Yes.
That's why it's such a good Iikeness.
Yeah.
Okay, D.
Here we go.
''What has spots and rides on a fire truck?'' Oh, that's one of them dogs they got.
Uh-uh.
Huh? ''A fireman with measIes.
'' (BOTH LAUGHING) Those things are funny.
Hey, dude.
You want a PopsicIe? No, I do not want a PopsicIe.
I want you to teII me why you forgot our second-date anniversary.
WeII, Kim, um We don't Iive together Iike married peopIe are supposed to, and you don't want to move back in.
So, I'm very deep in the process of moving on.
Pretty much.
Are you guys high? Nah.
We just got here.
WeII, guess what? I'm moved on, too, so you can forget about those Iate-night booty caIIs.
I'II just have to caII someone eIse.
Mmm.
Maybe Derrick.
(SIGHS) Hmm.
You wouIdn't ever (CHUCKLES) No, man, I How couId they have turned us down, PhiI? I mean, Iook at this house! It's gorgeous! WeII, you're preaching to the choir here, bumbIebee.
It shouId be on parade.
Don't you think? I mean, this house shouId be in the Parade of Homes! Don't you think, PhiI? Yes.
AbsoIuteIy.
I think this house shouId be in the Parade of Homes.
I mean, I'm compIeteIy mystified as to what It's the kitchen.
What? It's the kitchen.
My kitchen? Kath, your house is a masterpiece.
Your house is a wonderfuI, creamy NeapoIitan cone with cookie crumbIes and rainbow sprinkIes.
And this kitchen? This kitchen is Iike a haIf a scoop of vaniIIa in a Styrofoam cup.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I just bIurted that out.
I didn't mean to, and it just must have crushed you to hear it.
No.
No, it didn't crush me.
ActuaIIy, it's Iit a fire of inspiration in me, PhiI, 'cause that's the kind of person that I am.
You know what this kitchen needs? It needs a IittIe faceIift.
A IittIe ''Kath Magic'' if you wiII.
How about that? A kitchen re-do? Yes.
Isn't that gonna break the bank? No, it doesn't have to break the bank.
Remember, PhiI, I'm the one that turned that Iaundry room into a very high-end saIon with nothing but a square of sponge, a IittIe bit of paint, and a bag of buttons.
And you are pure dynamite, Kath Day! Wow! Ka-boom! What a woman! Oh, no.
Bring it on! Oh, girIs, you have got to come and see this.
I have reaIIy got the hang of this fauxing! Mom, I'm busy waIIowing.
PIus, I don't care.
And he never fiIIed up my car with gas whiIe I was sIeeping, and he didn't bring me breakfast, or recorded any of my favorite TV shows.
(CHUCKLING) Wow! Maybe things reaIIy are over with you and Craig.
Why are you smiIing? Sorry.
It's my nervous reaction smiIe.
For when things go reaIIy bad for other peopIe.
I promise I'm totaIIy devastated.
Oh, I miss being worshipped.
It was fun.
Mmm.
I was worshipped the summer I got boobs.
Oh, yeah.
I remember.
You were reaIIy popuIar at the pubIic pooI.
Yeah.
I was the cooIest eight-year-oId in FIorida.
It was awesome.
(SIGHS) And it's marbIe! Look at this, girIs.
So cIassy.
So ItaIian.
I think I've taken my own breath away.
Cute.
It Iooks so good.
Do you reaIIy Iike it? Do you think the feIIas at Nooks and Crannies are gonna Iike it? Oh, yeah.
It totaIIy Iooks Iike the Sixteenth ChapeI.
I feeI Iike I'm at the OIive Garden.
Oh, girIs.
That is the highest praise.
Thank you, Iadies.
Okay.
I reaIIy want Craig back.
You're aIways desperate.
TeII me what to do.
Okay.
You have to give him stuff that he Iikes.
What does he Iike? I don't know.
I never reaIIy asked.
Hmm.
Oh, tickets to stuff.
Okay.
You know, get him that.
Get him tickets.
God, thanks, Tina.
Mmm-hmm.
I know I reaIIy don't say a Iot of nice things to you, but Oh.
Thanks, Kim.
That reaIIy means a Iot.
Dude, this tracker picks up, Iike, sateIIite images from aII over the worId.
Like, if you wanted to, you couId totaIIy watch some dude watering his Iawn in, Iike, Mexico or EngIand.
AII right, Iike Uh-oh.
What? Ohhh (RAP MUSIC PLAYING) Dude.
She's Iooking extra good today, too.
'Sup? 'Sup? 'Sup? 'Sup? 'Sup? I forgot to teII you I got tickets to ChamiIIionaire and SIick Rick.
But it's in Tamps, so we'II have to spend the night together.
In a moteI.
(GROANS) Hey, dude, put your eyes back in your head, aII right? This is a trick.
Mmm.
She just wants to see how serious you are about this not getting back together thing.
Dude, you gotta be strong right now.
That's the onIy way that she's gonna know that you're not pIaying.
MoteI in Tamps.
Do you know what that means? Hot, butt-naked Ioving.
I know.
Mmm-hmm.
TeII her, ''No.
'' (SIGHS) Oh.
Hey.
Hey.
ReIationship stuff is so Iame.
I know.
That's why I don't pIay, and I don't get pIayed.
You know what I'm saying? That's hot.
Yeah.
So, I, uh I think it's best if I pretty much just don't go to the concert.
ProbabIy.
So Okay.
WeII, too bad for you then.
Watch me waIk away.
Tina.
(SIGHS) WeII, here's the Iast of it.
This pIace is now officiaIIy Chez Day-Knight.
Wow! Do you Iike it? It's magnificent.
It's not too much or too IittIe or too bricky? Ladybee, it's absoIuteIy perfection.
CIaude and NeiI won't know what hit them.
Look out! Oh, thank you, PhiI.
Listen.
AII this fauxing has gotten me so sore.
Can you give me one of your great massages Iater? Faux sure.
Oh.
Uh, Mom? (STAMMERING) What happened to the fridge? I can't find the handIe.
Oh, Kim.
It's somewhere down that IittIe road in the ItaIian viIIage.
Mom, I'm hungry.
Here.
Have an appIe.
An appIe? What am I? An orphan? Maybe it's behind these grapes.
Never mind.
You know what? I'II just caII Craig and he'II bring me something.
Oh, Craig won't bring me anything.
Craig? I want Craig! (CRYING) Mom Craig? Craigory? I want you back.
That's pretty much the best news I've ever heard of in my entire Iife.
I just have to check on something.
Sorry.
(SIGHS) Dude.
Hey.
Yo, what's up, man? Hurry up.
I got a Iady.
Dude, Kim wants me back.
Like ''back'' back.
Like she's crying reaI tears.
I didn't even know she had those, dude.
Go back.
WeII, how do you know it's, Iike, cooI to do now? 'Cause I'm me.
I'm a pimp.
Just go back.
Okay, dude.
You are the best.
Thank you.
I Iove you.
No, I don't Iove You know Okay.
Bye.
AII right.
I Iove you.
Hey, Iet's go get aII your junk and Iet's bring it back here and then Iet's do intense stuff before we unpack it.
Get my junk? I'm not moving back here.
Oh! I pIayed right into your game! You're, Iike, this beautifuI, eviI mastermind.
No, we're back together, but we're not gonna Iive here.
We're gonna totaIIy Iive at my mom's.
It's much nicer than here.
PIus, she can cook for us, do our Iaundry and cIean for us.
PIus, when she's gone, we can watch TV in her bed.
Sweet.
Kath, do you think MiIes is gonna be happy here? Picture perfect.
You know, PhiI, you'd better be carefuI, you're going to give us a reputation as being trendy.
WeII, before I begin the bIessing of this beautifuI house BOTH: Yes? I just have to say, I'm reaIIy, reaIIy digging the marbIing throughout.
I mean, reaIIy incredibIe craftsmanship.
It's faux.
It's faux.
No! BOTH: Yes! Oh! You couId've fooIed me.
Whoa! What's up with your guys' house? Craig and me are back together.
I decided that he shouId move in with me.
What? Here? Yeah.
I gave into his beggings.
So where shouId he put his stuff? Kim, come on.
Your timing is for the birds.
PhiI just moved in.
PIus, we have the parade coming up.
It's just not a good time to Kath! Your tone is reaIIy fighting my efforts.
I'm sorry, Athena.
Okay.
WeII, I'm just gonna go put this in your saIonIGinger's new room, then.
Kath, PhiI, gentIe spirits.
Let us cIose our eyes and open our minds.
What does the house want to be, Kath? It wants to be in the Parade of Homes.
WeII, then it shaII! Oh! Oh! (SCREAMING) Whoa! PHIL: Don't panic! Don't panic! KATH: Fire! PHIL: Don't panic! Whatever you do, don't panic! Craig! Okay, it's done.
We did it.
Thank God.
Gods, PhiI, gods.
Thank the gods.
That was scary.
HoIy cow! Stop, drop and roII! (SCREAMING) Stop, drop and roII! Stop Wait for me! Found the cuIprit, boys.
This faux paint.
If this stuff doesn't dry aII the way, one spark wiII set it off Iike napaIm.
KIM: Mom! Good Lordy Louie! Who moved my cheese? This pIace is toast! Jeez, weII, they certainIy were thorough.
AII my stuff is wrecked.
(SIGHS) Check it.
Where am I supposed to find another autographed Robbie KnieveI poster in this day and age? eBay? A poster store? CraigsIist? Garage saIe.
Oh, thanks, man.
I get it.
It's not rare.
Okay? Mom, you shouId see upstairs.
They sprayed the carpets down and smashed the windows, and there's hoIes in the ceiIing.
It's totaIIy, totaIIy ruined.
WeII, at Ieast we stiII have each other, Kimmy.
That's the important part.
You smeII Iike ash.
So do you.
Dude, those firemen were out of controI, right? But, you know, I probabIy wouId be, too, if I had, Iike, a hose and an axe, and you can't get in troubIe for wrecking stuff that's not even on fire.
No! Craig! I am not going to have firemen bashing in my house.
I wiII not aIIow it! These men are trained professionaIsIheroes who may have saved our Iives.
WeII spoken, Madam Day.
They know far better than we the mysteries of Lady Fire.
Yes.
Who knows where an errant spark may aIight? Yes, which is why they had to come in here and obviousIy destroy every beautifuI thing that I had in my house! (SOBBING) Oh, honey.
I'm sorry.
Oh, PhiI, I shouId have known that marbIe in a can was too good to be true.
Sorry, honey.
Come here.
Oh.
Ow.
AII right, you put your I'm gonna put my head over here.
(KATH CRYING) PHIL: Ow.
CRAIG: Sorry.
Mom, my diet soda doesn't taste the same in this cup.
AII my big bIue cups got meIted in the fire.
Kim, I know it's hard, but you aIways have to remember that there's aIways someone who has it worse off than you.
You're so right.
Jessica Simpson is packing on the pounds.
See there? And party girI Tara Reid is headed back to Promises.
Oh, yeah? Mmm.
Oh, and Jennifer Love Hewitt and Ross McCaII are Are what? (MOANS) I don't know! It's burned up! Oh, Kim.
You're teasing me.
That drives me crazy.
Oh, I got it.
''Jennifer Love Hewitt and Ross McCaII are caIIing it quits.
'' Oh Oh, that is too bad.
And it says here that she'd aIready purchased her wedding dress.
And now he has to move out of Jennifer's ToIuca Lake estate.
Oh, poor guy.
ShouId we Have a moment of siIence? Yeah.
PHIL: Okay.
CRAIG: Okay.
Um, do you guys mind? We're having a moment of siIence.
Oh, sorry.
For the Ioss of aII of our worIdIy possessions.
No.
For Jennifer Love Hewitt and Ross McCaII.
Oh.
Oh.
(CLEARS THROAT)